Saturday, June 27, 2020

.....But I love My Abusers! Anna V of Narcissists Suck Blog Disappoints

“He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark moustache. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.” "1984"--George Orwell.

 The other day, I went back to an old blog, I used to read all the time named Narcissists Suck. This blog with it's author, Anna V was very helpful to me once upon a time. Her blog was one that helped to open my eyes about narcissists and no contact. My gratitude for Anna V was always there as she was someone who lit a match for a light for me to find my way out of the ACON thicket. They always say be careful of elevating your heroes too high because sometimes you find out they have feet of clay or maybe you outgrow them?

 Anyhow I saw this post on the Narcissists Suck blog:

 Book Recommendation

Anna V recommended the book, "If You Tell" by Gregg Olsen. This book and what she had to say about it disturbed me. I did leave her a comment, but for some reason, the title of the book had not clicked when I wrote my comment. I had seen a TV show about the Knotek case too, and got confused. When I went to go read reviews, I realized I had read the book from the library some months ago. I also had seen a TV show too about the case.

Anna V's reaction to this book horrified me. She wrote:

"Like the Knotek sisters, I hate my mother, yet she was my mother and part of me loves her. It is a hard dichotomy to explain, but those of us with these kind of mothers understand perfectly."

I responded back a couple weeks ago....[as of 6/27/20 my comment has NOT been posted on her blog]

If those Knotek sisters still love their mother, something is wrong with them, but then they should have maybe seen a prison cell too. I don't think they deserved full sentences as sociopaths put undue influence on teen children, but these girls went to school while their mother starved and beat disabled people and DID NOTHING. I wrote a controversial post on my blog some time ago where I was offended at those who preached love and forgiveness for the most sociopathic including the BK Killer.

I have to admit your post disturbed me, where you mentioned a GC supposedly narcissistic sister changing. Most will not have their GC [if truly with NPD] change.

When I was a fundamentalist Christian, I deconverted and have since left Christianity, I remember the talk about "God changing people" and "testimonies" which actually helped to enable abusive people to continue harming others.

Maybe your sister never was truly NPD, I don't know.....but those false religious promises can set people up to be re-offended against. A person who isn't NPD, may be able to change, and introspection will come, but those who are malignant and with it, that is never going to happen. I also get worried when people wax on about "love" for abusers.

Please be mindful of the ACONS who do not love their abusers, and who have been shamed for not producing emotions of fondness for those who tried to destroy them. Sadly in our authoritarian and toxic religious society, even if a parent, beats and starves you, one is told they "must love them".

Even the horribly abused Turpin children showed the same messages to "love and forgive" sociopathic parents. With the Turpin children, I wrote:

"The evil are empowered on multiple levels in this society. Those who enact the worse crimes who don't have a sorry bone in their bodies, are excused and empowered while their victims or families of their victims are told to "forgive". I understand moving forward from abusers, but why are are their victims told over and over to suppress all emotions, to "forgive" and to give them place after place? This is especially strong in some religious circles."

I loved your blog for years, in fact finding your blog years ago, helped me so much. This post worries me though. Please be careful of telling people that God will change their abusers or flying monkeys or GC's in a family.

Today I see conservative Christianity as teaching many false and harmful things when it comes to abuse and "forgiveness". Evil is enabled in many of these circles.

I think there is something insidious about love for sociopaths being pushed in these notorious cases. I hope you can take the time to understand what I am warning of here.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I would like to read it but I can tell some of those messages are probably in this book too.


I did read the book from the library. It was terrible. The psychopathic mother in the book is extreme. She basically is a serial killer who went after disabled and down and out people, moved them in and then tortured, starved, beat, imprisoned and killed them. Kathy Loreno and Ronald Woodworth were two boarders that lived with the Knotek family, where Michelle Knotek destroyed them over a series of months. Shane Watson was a nephew too, that lived with the Knotek family who was murdered at the behest of Michelle Knotek, by her husband David Knotek. In the book, Shane had taken pictures of the abuses done against Kathy and was going to expose Michelle and was shot by David. James McClintock was a later possible murder victim as well.

This book was a disgusting how-to manual on the ways humans scrape and bow and in cowardice do the bidding of manipulative sociopaths and psychopaths. Michelle Knotek played everyone for a fool around her and they all shuddered in fear before her. I don't have this book now to quote from it but the two oldest daughters while they were abused themselves, did witness the abuse, starvation, and killing of Kathy and Ronald. As I read this book, I was driven to tears and angry, but some of my anger was towards them, they would go to school and say nothing, they wouldn't even bring a slice of bread to Kathy or Ronald or call for any help, thus the title "If You Tell..." As the book proceeded, I was horrified.

They both, Nikki, and Sami [the youngest daughter--Tori- I don't hold as responsible] should have seen some charges for their inaction. This book angered me so much reading it, that while I understood psychopaths manipulate and teenagers will be afraid, I do hold the daughters at a level of culpability in refusing to do anything for the people they watched be killed. Where was their empathy? My level of disgust for them was pretty high. They even left their youngest sister in the pit for years, after they left home knowing their mother was a murderer. They were all complicit. The monster sadist mother was allowed to hurt and kill people with no one standing up to the extremes of brutality and the silent people around her helped make it happen.

The excuse making in the book for the weak most likely Dark Triad husband, and the daughters made no sense to me. As I have written on this blog many times, enablers, betraying bystanders and more hold responsibility too. Every ACON has had their moments of weakness and cowardice in the face of sociopaths and malignant narcissists. I regret some of my own though in my case, I did attempt rescue of other scapegoats from abuse and to ally with them. But would a person of any conscience sit and watch someone be killed and then do nothing? Could you or I watch someone be tortured and do nothing watching these horrors for months? Cowardice is something abusers use to do their evil and they get away with it.

I saw this man on the show Evil Lives Here, who did express remorse and disgust at his own cowardice in refusing to help save two sisters from his own psychopathic mother Teresa Knorr, he went to school too, as one was chained to a table and killed, and the other locked in a closet and starved to death. William and Robert did face charges in this case. Teresa Knorr led them to have active participation, but what can say about the two daughters in this case? This blog post angered me and later made me want to throw up.

Anna V admits Knotek is evil, but then gives us the "love sociopaths/malignant narcissists/psychopath" message. She starts writing about how her supposed NPD sister "changing" and talks about "loving her mother" even while admitting some hate. The book, "If You Tell" was a very hard book to read but one running theme in the book is basically a murdering sociopath achieving malicious victory over others via manipulation and cowardice. David Knotek most likely is on the malignant narcissist/sociopath spectrum too, as he callously murdered his wife's nephew---the girls were lied to and told he had left. The nephew was going to run away but the mother wanted him dead because she was afraid of being exposed.

The disabled people who got starved and beaten in front of the teenage girls and one younger sister watched the mother do all these horrible things, they even have descriptions in the book of walking past the boarders as they were locked in small cages out in the barn and bleach being poured over Ronald's injuries. The suffering they went through was extreme. The two daughters were going to school and seeing neighbors, and were not locked up themselves. One even escaped and never told anyone what happened at home after she was safe. There were descriptions of both murder victims begging for food and being ignored. I almost did not finish this book, I was so upset.

I don't mind someone recommending books on true crimes, these things need talked about to be stopped but the "love" talk nauseates me. The two oldest daughters remain in contact with their father who shot their cousin and murdered him as a teen, that is a problem. The daughters yes were abused, the mother had them run around naked, she beat them, and had them wallow in mud, denied them hygiene, food and clothing. I think they should have faced some charges for their inaction but their abuse histories definitely should have been taken into account if there had been any court actions.

One thing that is scary here, is Michelle Knotek may get out soon. A masterful sociopath managed to manipulate the court system. The daughters warn she is still a danger. Wikipedia claims they are no contact with the mother and that Nikki the youngest is the only daughter who is no contact with the father.

Back to Anna V, the comments about the daughters still loving this mother disturbed me. So Anna V's take on this house of sociopathic horrors book, was I love Mommy too!? and My narcissist sister has really changed!?. This book was like a primer of most people kissing sociopathic butt, and how much of cowards they can be. Just look at Trump, the destruction of America and all the cowards and sycophants around him.Where's her sense of outrage? We definitely viewed this book very different.

This is one dark human trait, where the worse get the most accolades and dare I even say demands for love! Where's the love for the victims here? In our society, evil is enabled at multiple layers. The message is go submit. While some scapegoats stand up against evil and walk on, counting our losses, some remain as identifiers with abusers.

With Anna V who in the past seemed so strong and resolute, my disappointment is great. Perhaps some start off strong and then break later. The pressures can be unrelenting even for someone long into no contact to go rejoin the Borg and assimilate with gooey-eyed dreams of "forgiveness" and "changed hearts". Conservative Christianity sure shoves that stuff down people's throats. Those are some circles that really demand acquiescence to the powerful.After all if you are to bow before an all powerful capricious God that sends most humans to hell, maybe this translates to what type of humans you put before others.

Maybe some obtain higher status, that changes their role in the family via career and return. One thing I have noticed about Anna V and yes I only have so much information available to me via her blog, is she seems to have escaped the poverty, family and job problems that come for many life long scapegoats. I have to admit when a self-admitted scapegoat has life go swimmingly well free of autoimmune disease, disabilities, career problems, money problems, it makes me wonder how severe the abuse really was? Many scapegoats can find success and financial security don't get me wrong, but one thing I note in our status oriented society, is most scapegoats who are severely abused end up with a stacked deck.

I tend to distrust self-avowed scapegoats who formerly went full no contact, and then suddenly end up with full inheritances, status and respect within their families. How does this happen? Can someone fill me in on this? Yes some with marriage, luck, work that pays off and careers that work out, can do well, and maybe with this higher status in their abusive family, they go and rejoin heads full of cotton candy and family mythos, saying "I love my family, my golden child formerly narcissistic sibling has changed!" Add in flowing liters of Jesus Juice and some commit newly to the family dream, their earlier "negative" musings set aside.

Some former scapegoats do choose the system. Like Uncle Ruckus who hates being black on the Boondocks and helps out the racists, many scapegoats choose the side of the powerful and then teach us we must love and forgive abusers. They tell us the people who hold the power, are owed most of our love and obedience. We live in a sick society, where power and status denote everything and the "dominator" culture teaches people to bow before those who have oppressed them. "Internalized oppression" is a concept that one can consider here. The messages are: Submit to the family. Submit to the people in charge. Submit to mother, father, boss, the people with money, the people who are "not weak". The "family" in our culture is often a tool of oppression, never question the "cult leader", and the myths there can oppress us, such as the one, "you must always love your mother" even if she is a murdering psychopath.

Us supposedly unloving ACONs who no longer love our abusers, nor smile up at the Big Brother's or Big Mamas who sought to literally destroy us, physically and otherwise, are deemed as the "radicals" who must be silenced or ostracized. I notice some of the most popular and well read blogs--even ones on a 10 year long hiatus, preaching the societally mandated messages of "love your abusers", definitely move up the ranks. I do not think this is by accident.

One reason I am no longer a Christian, is the oppressive nature of the conservative Christian world. I do see the conservative Christian world as allied with evil. This shows on multiple layers. I can be allies with liberal Christians even as one who no longer believes in the religion who see a loving Jesus of freedom--a radical Christ who was seen against the system, but lets be frank modern conservative Christians belong to a religion that is power focused. Pay attention to WHO they tell you to love. It's not the down and out or weak. It's not the disabled people chained up in a cage. This is a religion that pushes full ableism. They want you to love your abuser. They want you to love the mother who abused you. They are happy when people are obedient and LOVE their murdering sociopaths or in the case of the Turpins someone who chained you to a bed and left you mal-nutritioned for years.

Conservative and evangelical Christianity kills empathy and these conservative Christians only value families and "breeders" so single people who are disabled are deemed worthless and disposable, with the emphasis that love should be given to murdering psychopaths and narcissists. I know questioning these societal edicts by the way, is really sticking my head out. These are some of the most controversial articles that earn me the most ire. How dare you? I know with this one it may bring negative responses. That's fine with me. If more people spoke out, maybe we'd get somewhere instead of being told to coddle and enable abusers.

Anna V was one of the most well-liked ACON bloggers out there. With Anna, since she was someone who lit up my path out, I hope she understands and reads this not seeing condemnation but being brought to a place of self-examination to ask herself what are you allied with? Why do you preach love for the worse? Do you really love your abusers, or do you assent because you are told you MUST? Why didn't you question the message of this book like I did?

No one loved the disabled and poor in this book. They were seen as "throw-aways" desperate for a home. I write this article to defend them and others like them, who have the world busy loving the sociopaths. Kathy and Ronald deserved a lot better. Maybe the daughters instead of going on about loving their mother and making excuses for their cowardice should have confronted their lack of love for them. I cried reading about how Kathy and one daughter were even close and Kathy showed her love and was betrayed even after all that.

By the way, being disabled myself, I know people who have been desperate and very abused invited into homes. One of my closest friends who I talked to on the phone everyday for 17 years, was locked up and chained to a bed, to have a Social Security check stolen before I knew her. The vulnerable of this society became far more so as the evil are enabled, and given far higher places. That horrible deliverance minister invited people in, to live with her. She preyed on the disabled too to play her head games and from what I could tell many of her clients that did go live there, were homeless and poor and disabled. To be disabled in American society means you are very vulnerable and forced to be dependent on the help of others. Disability checks especially SSI are well below survival levels. Many predators take advantage of that.

Those who wax on about love for their abusers, have rejoined the system and promote it.

Anna V is friends with Sister Renee. I was on her boards when I was still a Christian. One scary thing about Sister Renee, she wrote an "OK BOOMER" flavored book about "mooches", aka poor people in her family. That probably tells you everything you need to know. Younger people [Gen X on down] have been horribly abused by religious boomers who refuse to acknowledge how the economic world has changed for them. I was going to order her books but after I saw that decided not to. I knew someone who had such a horrible attitude towards poor people was not someone who was going to relate to my situation.

Obviously Sister Renee is not someone who is on the economically disenfranchised side, as her anger is for the relatives who borrowed money from her. I would see her outraged posts about those in need on her Facebook pages too and it turned me off. The existence of this book angered me years ago, because many scapegoats end up poor and out of she writes this well-off woman book complaining about poorer family members?

Let's just say the conservative Christian track record with the poor, isn't a good one. This is another place where I wonder about the higher status and money influencing ACON writings. I used to love Anna V's blog, but now that's no longer true.

Maybe I changed, it may not be all her, but to see so many backtrack on formerly strong stances can be rough. There's not many ACON blogs out there. Having one of the most well-known ACON blogs backtrack on the strong positions of ten years ago is not easy. I worry about other ACONS who may have even gone no contact years ago, finding her blog, and feeling uneasy. The illusion of "changed" narcissists is a scary and dangerous one too, as many ACONs feel the pressure to "forgive" their families and I have heard of people even going back into the fray 10 years later only to be reburned and abused.

She is promoting a false dream there to many. My sister is never going to suddenly see and validate me. That's a fool's notion. God never changed my narcissists or made what happened to me right or brought me any justice. Everyone loved and chose my mother. What does love mean, when all the love is meant for the most cruel? Nothing. She wrote about her family's abuse, and cruelties for years and suddenly now they are alright? Contact is just fine after she preached no contact? How many of us ACONs were shamed for not loving our abusers?

Notice the message here, even the Knotek sisters LOVE their monster mother, and the message is "so should you". Be wary of pro-establishment ACON blogs, message boards, support groups etc. I had one blogger years ago, do the "you are so unforgiving" line with me years ago. They know what they are doing preaching these messages. There's a lot of forces in society that do not want people questioning power structures of family, politicians, and monied circles. Dealing with narcissism and how evil works is getting right to the heart of it all.

It does not escape my attention that books like this one, or that Educated book, I wrote on all have the message, "Love your abusers, Love Big Brother/Mama/Father". The memoirs that get all the attention are the ones where the victims "forgive" and still love the abusers. People are lied to and told if they are forgiving and nice, they will go on to have great lives. What a con that is! It goes along with the inspiration porn used against the disabled and the poverty porn meritocracy lies! The abusers show absolutely no love, but the abused are to submit and love even to monster psychopaths and murderers. No one ever asks why everyone is being told to love the people who are life-long incapable of it, and have proven themselves to dangerous to the rest of us. These authors play a game that they have 'transcended" evil by loving the evil and it is a lie. They have abandoned and betrayed the victims of the evil over and over.

They all push this disgusting forgiveness agenda that enables evil. Here it is even promoted for a disgusting woman that makes Ted Bundy look benign because he at least killed his victims quickly while this one drew out the torture and pain over a series of months. The daughters in this book were accomplices to evil. Their love for their mother does not impress me, it sickens me.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Mr. and Mrs. Peep Talk About 10 Years of the Five Hundred Pound Peep Blog and Life

  • 500 POUND PEEP INTERVIEW (6/14/20)

    500 POUND PEEP (FHPP): All right, Mr. Peep...

    MR. PEEP (MP): Yes?

    FHPP: How do you feel about Budge's 500 Hundred Peep blog, that she started 10 years ago? She was both trying to find out why she was so fat, and why she never lost weight, and she was also trying to figure out her life.

    She started her blog, after we had moved here, and after you had lost, had your job layoffs, and I know it was kind of like a psychological help tool – but what did you think of the last 10 years of 500 Hundred Pound Peep? Then I'm going to get into the no contact question.

    MP: All right. Well, it definitely did start out, mostly about the Five Hundred Pound Peep, but it's been interesting to watch it broaden from beyond that, even. So I'd say, the first half of that era is very much about what you just said, psychological self-discovery, or self-examination...

    FHPP: Figuring out the weight issues.

    MP: And, to a certain degree, self-affirmation, too, because it wasn't like the outside world was necessarily providing you with that.

    FHPP: Yeah, that's true. Especially with size acceptance being so limited.

    MP: Well...

    FHPP: Of course, I questioned aspects of size acceptance at the start, but –

    MP: But remember, even all that stuff we went into, back in Chicago, it was for a certain group of people, and they had tons of money, and they were always on the edge of the earth, all these events.

    FHPP: Yeah, I remember. That was one thing I always thought about size acceptance in Chicago. They seemed – OK, it was very Boomer dominated. That's one thing I didn't think about at the time. It was very wealthy, Boomer dominated. In fact, I don't even think NAAFA's still alive at all, in the same way. And I would even concede that they failed, not selling themselves to the new generations, or being real about our economics.

    Because, if you think about it, here's one fact. Most super-sized or even mid-sized people are not, today, able to get the jobs that people in the past were. I'm not even talking, just even disabled overweight people, like me, who are in the highest stratospheres, but I'm talking mid-sized.

    Right now, maybe 30 years ago, someone could get a decent job if they got up, went there, did their work. But now, it goes, you have to fit with the health insurance. If they see you being too expensive, they'll get rid of you. You went through that with your job in 2007, since they laid you off, the very week I went on the insurance.

    MP: Yeah.

    FHPP: So that was some of the stuff I saw. But no, I didn't relate to everything, and I thought it was a very, kind of a classist, kind of shallow (group), because everything was about dating, and they never talked about anything with life.

    MP: Yeah. Well, I always used to groan, when these things came up, because I thought, “Well, there goes a Saturday,” because, remember, I was –

    FHPP: Yeah. I remember that.

    MP: I'd think – well, especially, it was more difficult, I think, when I started working again regularly. Because I'd think, “Well, it'll take us all day to get there, it'll take us all day to get back, and I'll only have one day to cram everything in.”

    FHPP: I was always scared, because everything was so far away. And then, when we did have a car, we had no hope to going to any of that stuff. And getting rides with people was miserable, and it was just too much to ask, and there was no bus or trains that ever went anywhere they met. It was all these very wealthy suburban people. And I mean, in that way, it was kind of disappointing to me. I expected to find maybe more support, and not have it be so limited.

    FHPP: Oh, yeah. I remember, even my job was way far out, too, in the suburbs. So, yeah.

    MP: So your eight-hour day is really a 10-hour day, basically, because of all the time that you spend, shelling out to get back and forth.

    FHPP: Yeah. All right. One thing I wanted to ask about, okay –

    MP: Well, let me wrap up this thought. Then we'll get to your next point.

    FHPP: All right.

    MP: But, anyway, it's interesting to see, once you moved beyond that (initial focus), some of the other things that you got into – your various commentaries on the issues of the day, or even the artwork that you got into showing, and even then, the extended writing that you started doing. So it's all been very interesting. I've learned aspects that I don't think I would have learned otherwise, had you not actually done that.

    FHPP: Okay. All right. How do you think Five Hundred Pound Peep affected Peep being able to get diagnosed, and stay alive? You think the blog had anything to do with it?

    MP: I think it definitely helped, because people, of course, will always chime in: “Well, did you think about this, have you thought about that? Have you looked into this, have you looked into that?”

    FHPP: Yeah. Yeah, that definitely came up. Because, actually, when I was doing research on the blog, I found the picture about Lipedema. And I remember, I was in the nursing care, and they were talking about having me go to Mayo, because they knew something else was wrong.

    I remember when the head nurse came to me, and said, “We really want you to think about going to Mayo, because we watch you, we see you as you eat, we know something else is wrong.”

    And that's when I found that one illustration about Lipedema. And then, I had never heard of it, or maybe I read about it, and it kind of flew over my head years ago, when I was trying to research what was wrong. And I remember showing it to them, and that's where the explorations began, and the discussions with the doctors, and seeking out a lymph therapist. So I was able to get officially diagnosed later.

    MP: Yeah, what you did sort of reminds me, in a weird way, of what I read about (Sun Records founder) Sam Phillips doing later in life, when I read that bio.

    FHPP: Yeah?

    MP: He actually – remember, this was the pre-Internet era, so he would go to the library and get the medical papers about this condition he had, or that.

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: He did the research, and he would research other people's conditions that way.

    FHPP: I've done that, too. I've actually gotten people diagnosed before (laughs). I've read about so many weird medical conditions, where it's like information in my head. Does that make sense?

    MP: Yeah, I have a feeling you and Sam would probably have hit it off beautifully, on the research aspect.

    FHPP: Probably, yeah (laughs). All right, a very component of Peep's blog, that began around 2013, was when Peep decided to go contact with toxic and narcissistic relatives. She would end up, in 2017, basically going no contact with the whole family, though some cousins had ended up taking a little bit longer, but now, she ended up walking from all.

    How did you view Peep during this process, and do you think that it helped Peep in going no contact? And also, what were your own thoughts about her family, and what happened there, and how they appeared to you?

    MP: Wow, this is... Gee, I mean, we might be here all day, if we had to make a statement.
    FHPP: I know (laughs). Do your best.

    MP: I know. Well, I guess, on the first aspect of it, you seemed to be a lot more relaxed, once that took place.

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: I mean, towards the end of all these little visits we made, it began to feel more like a chore, than something you looked forward to. And I'd think, “Well, if all I'm really interested in is getting the latest magazines, I can certainly order them by mail, if that's really what I want to do.”

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: That's not enough. I mean, that particular city, there's not really a lot to look at, or do, honestly.

    FHPP: No, it was kind of a dead place. Even this little town's got a lot more. I remember, we'd go there, and she wouldn't say a word to me to the whole time. It'd get weird. She was cooking a meal for me, and giving me dirty looks. It just got too much. That got too much, too.

    MP: But even the experience of going to some of these places [bookstore in mother's town]– they started taking out the chairs, and places you could sit down. I'd think, “OK, I get it. You just want my money, and you want me to fuck off. Well, you know what? Maybe I will do just that.”

    FHPP: What do you mean, when we went to some of their gatherings?
    MP: No, when you went to the actual places – like the bookstore. Remember? They started taking all that away.

    FHPP: Oh yeah, I remember that, yeah.

    MP: It's like, “OK, you just want my money? All right, fine. I won't show up, then, because you're not making me feel welcome.”

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: So the store was very much an extension of the (Peep's family's) house, I thought. It was a metaphor for how they treated you.

    FHPP: What was your experience of Five Hundred Pound Peep's family? Do you think they were toxic people?

    MP: I thought they were strange, and unusual, but not necessarily in a good way.

    FHPP: Yeah. I think so, too.

    MP: Because the one thing, I think, I noticed about – well, two things, actually, about most of them. When they did talk, they mostly talked about themselves and their own pursuits. They never showed much interest in other people, really.

    FHPP: Yeah, that's true.

    MP: And, of course, they always thought they were experts, on this, that and the other, even if it was pretty clear to me that they really weren't. And that was basically – I mean, I even thought the way they treated each other was strange, honestly.

    FHPP: In what way?

    MP: Well, they didn't always seem to get along with each other, that was one thing.

    FHPP: I know. I had enough of the abuses, and stuff, but, yeah. And what did you notice in that, that they were always fighting?

    MP: It reminded me a lot of what they would say about the crime families: “This one falls in with this one, this one falls out with that one.”

    FHPP: Yeah, it was like that, exactly. It was like being in a mob family (laughs). It was like that.

    MP: That was one of the strangest parts of all of it, to me. Or maybe not. Well, it wasn't strange to them, but I'd be thinking, “Well, how far are we going to take this, exactly? And where are you going to see yourself ending up, at the end of the day?”

    FHPP: Yeah, that's true.

    MP: All right. So what was the other part of what you were asking?

    FHPP: What's that?

    MP: Well, what did I notice, and how it affected you, and I think you asked a third one.

    FHPP: Yeah. I asked, what did you think of Peep going no contact, and how it's played out?

    MP: Well, at the time, it seemed like some scorched earth, extreme sort of scorched earth step to take. But now, it would appear, maybe not so much.

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: Because I notice, now that Peep's a little more relaxed, and a little more centered, I guess, if that's the term we can use here.

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: And you don't spend all your time worrying about, “Well, what are they gonna do? What are they gonna think? How are they gonna react?”

    FHPP: Yeah, I remember all that (laughs).

    MP: Because, I would add, it's the same –

    FHPP: You don't realize this, but I always had to be on the ball, and vigilant, because they were so crazy, and abusive, that even when I was in contact, I had to be on my toes, so crazier stuff didn't happen, you know.

    MP: Because it, funnily enough, it's the same thing with toxic work environments, too. You go there thinking, “What are they gonna do to me today? How bad is this gonna be?”
    FHPP: Yeah, it was exactly like that.

    MP: Or, if you wanted to try to be a Positive Pete, you'd say, “How am I gonna get through the day without an incident?”

    FHPP: Yeah, Positive Pete (laughs).

    MP: But yeah. “How am I gonna get through, without getting scorched by them? How am I gonna make it unscathed?”

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: Although, that's not a very noble goal, if you think about it: “Dear Lord, please let me get through the day without some kind of useless drama.”

    FHPP: Yeah, and think about it. We only, usually, on average, went to go see them, two to four times a year. [Low-Contact]They never came (in) our direction.

    MP: No.

    FHPP: No. I was expected to call once a month, and all that.

    MP: Well, that was another thing that I got tired of. When gas prices shot back up, it was much more difficult, I remember.

    FHPP: Yeah, that was one thing, too. Them being all wealthy, they didn't know that for us to dig up 80 bucks, to go on one of these trips – that could mean no groceries for that week.

    MP: Yeah. So that became an irritant to me, at the end. I'd be thinking, “Well, you can do this yourself. You can come this way once in a great while.” Because felt, “I'm tired of putting my hands in my pockets, every single time” –

    FHPP: Yeah, that's true.

    MP: To make it work. No, I don't miss any of that. Well, and as for the magazines, I like the old ones, better, anyway.

    FHPP: Yeah, that's true (laughs).

    MP: I haven't seen that many new ones that have impressed me, to be really honest, so...

    FHPP: All right, one last question. What do you think of Peep's recent writings? Like, I wrote on Coronavirus, and what's happening there...

    MP: Well, let's see – well, you've written some stuff about religion, of course. There's that aspect.

    FHPP: Yeah, oh, yeah. What did you think of Peep's deconversion (from Christianity)?

    MP: Well, it didn't bother me, because –

    FHPP: Well, you never believed that way, so, it was like –

    MP: No, but I mean, I never said, when you did go that way (to born again Christianity), I never said, you shouldn't do it.

    FHPP: Yeah. Well, we were both married in the UU (Unitarian Universalist church), so I'm glad we're both back in the UU.

    MP: But I wasn't going to tell anybody what to do. I don't want anybody telling me what to do.

    FHPP: I'm glad I never did try to tell you what to do, either. I think, when you see a married couple split up over religion, they're trying to tell each other what to do.

    MP: Yeah. Well, but the way that that works best, I think, is everybody has their spheres of influence.

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: Because I don't believe in the absolute dominance model, like Fred Mertz bawling at his wife, for instance, on I Love Lucy. I don't believe in that. And I don't believe in total laissez-faire, either.

    FHPP: How do you think Peep's changed since the deconversion?

    MP: I would say, well, let's see – well, you're exploring a lot more things that probably would have been deemed to be off limits (as a Christian).

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: I've seen you sort of that doing a bit. And, of course –

    FHPP: Well, before Coronavirus hit, life had gotten more enjoyable, especially music-wise.

    MP: Well, exactly. Think of the dilemma, I think, that Christian kids must go through, because they know – let's say they were living in a really restrictive household, where Mom and Dad said, “Well, you can only listen to Christian rock, or Christian hip-hop, or whatever.”

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: And then, they see what their classmates are listening to, and that stuff seems a hell of a lot more exciting and relevant, you know?

    FHPP: I know. Well, you know, I kind of cheated on the music thing, all the time (laughs).

    MP: Yeah.

    FHPP: I was always listening to this stuff. And then, I was told, “Oh, it's all the Devil's music,” and it was messed up. I'm glad to have left all that behind.

    MP: But there are a lot of people, I think, in Christian households, who probably have to walk that tightrope.

    FHPP: Yeah, it's too much control. How did you think she got drawn into that, Peep got drawn into that? I know I'm talking about myself in the third person – how do you think she got drawn into that?

    MP: Well, it coincided when you got sick. That was a big part of it, I think.

    FHPP: Yeah. I talked about on there a little bit, that I thought it was trauma induced.

    MP: Well, usually, people –

    FHPP: And I was told, if you turned to God – you know, you think about having all that stuff we went through, with the poverty, and the illness, and stuff – I guess I thought it'd make life better, or I thought I was doing something wrong.

    MP: People are rarely going to do it when things are running well. It's usually when things are looking a little questionable, that people are more likely to be more receptive to that idea.

    FHPP: Yeah, I agree. They do prey on people, who have health problems or money problems, or they don't feel like they have control of their life. And it's kind of like, they sell a product to you, even though you might not necessarily pay them any money.

    It's like, “If you do this and that, your life will come together.” Or, at least it'll have, “Your sufferings will have purpose, or some kind of meaning to them, and it'll be brought into order.” And it's just, all false. It's falsehoods.

    MP: Well, this is the central idea of the Resurrection, that often gets overlooked. Because the implication is, “If you buy into this, it's not only about Jesus overcoming death, and rising again, you're gonna get to do this with him.”

    FHPP: Yeah.

    MP: So there's the idea of, your redemption is tied to his redemption.

    FHPP: Yeah. Yeah, I would say, that's true.

    MP: So I think that's a central tenet, for sure.

    FHPP: Well, I mean, that's probably what makes it appealing to people. All right, let's sum up. What do you think of Peep's latest articles?

    Let me try and think – I did, “They destroyed the world with Coronavirus.” I know, I'm so paranoid (laughs). I haven't been writing about them (Peep's family members) much – there's been more cultural stuff, I would say, lately.

    MP: I would say, it just shows, Peep's doing a lot of listening and reading, and engaging with the world. Peep still wants to do that, even if Peep's behind four walls, so that part of Peep didn't really change.

    FHPP: All right, that's a good summation. Just leave it at that. My voice is getting tired from talking.

    MP: Yeah. Oh, great – now, I've got a lot of fucking work to do, now, I've got to transcribe all this! (MP, FHPP both laugh loudly at this point.) But that's all right. It's work I don't mind doing, if you do it for yourself.

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

When the Bottom Falls Out: Trump has Declared War on the American People

The above is a poster I drew in 2017 and carried in a local protest. It is ironic now, given what is happening....

Trump has declared war on the American people and his traitor lackeys are following lockstep.

He plans to order the military out on American people. Many Democratic governors are protesting including my own. I hope they refuse and disobey and stand against this dangerous man and joke of a leader. I saw the governor of Illinois express his outrage too on CNN. Trump ranting on about "dominating" the American people, showed his malignant narcissist nature. He hates us and wants to crush us. Think about that. He offers no solutions, no peace, and no problem solving such as advancing police reform and racial justice.

Everything is about control and compliance to him. Trump wants to crush the USA. He hates us. He is a racist, he will bring nothing but destruction and has already bought death to our shores via this pandemic. If you still support Trump or the Republican party, and I will say this to even friends of mine, what's wrong with you? It's time to get up and walk out, and take your vote with you.

Trump is a traitor, and actively seeking to destroy the United States of America. Every action he has has taken has incited more violence and more instability. Instead of standing against racism or calling for reforms against police brutality, Trump calls for more brutality. He has no empathy for the 40 million and growing unemployed Americans who can't even pay their rent or buy food from the pandemic he caused. I believe every Republican senator that failed to impeached acted as bad actors against America too. Putin must be jumping for joy.

I don't know if Trump can get away with turning American soldiers against USA citizens or even if they will obey. Here's an irony here, before most conspiracy people were turned into Trumptards, conspiracy websites used to warn about Fema and claimed one day American soldiers would shoot American citizens, well look what side they are on!

Maybe they wrote the Patriot Act and NDAA for a reason.

I used to get mocked as crazy and paranoid for years, when I brought up my distrust of 9-11 era changes in laws. My Nazi family almost seemed ready to tackle me one day when I said, "9-11 has been used to destroy our civil liberties."

Basically all dissenters, if Trump gets away with this, can be rounded up and blacked boxed. I warned for years what it meant to deny American citizens a trial, and naming them as "enemy combatants" for "homeland security". This is what Trump and his supporters lust for, a complete totalitarian police state with no barriers. I haven't seen any news commenters mention NDAA or the Patriot Act, but remember that's out there. Don't think a trial will be there for you, if you get rounded up in a protest.

The build up to full fascism has been going on for a long time. Trump is merely a step in the process. Things worsened with 9-11 and the "war on terrorism" almost 20 years ago. The country was bankrupted from endless wars that never ended in the Middle East. They created secret prisons, rewrote rules that destroyed basics of the Constitution like a right to a trial, militarized the police, set up surveillance systems they expanded on, infiltrated and shut down every group that wanted change. They made the job and employment world more oppressive, denied people work based on credit checks, lowered wages making life too expensive to afford, allowed bosses to fire on a whim, destroyed unions, and  tied health care to compliance at work so many lose their jobs when they lose their health and vice versa.  Trump has added to this attacking the press, breaking hundreds of laws, where Nixon was forced to resign over far less.  It's been going this way for a long time. I used to make comments about Trump's name while in conspiracy mode. What does the word Trump mean? Trump was a card game word, that means "beat someone". I suppose Trump is beating the USA now.

Yesterday, I and my husband were watching CNN, and saw Trump march in front of a church to appeal to his religious base and hold up a Bible up high. I joked, "If there was a God who cared, that bible would burst into flames and some lightning would solve our problems for us!".

Pondering bible prophecy too, I made another joke, "Everyone thought the antichrist would look cool and be styling to fool everyone, no one imagined it would be an ugly orange dope." Humor aside, it's gross to watch this sadistic fool pander to his legions of deluded religious followers.

Two weeks ago, I was watching Handmaid's Tale. This show was somewhat triggering given my fundamentalist Christian past though even though I never became a Republican and was against Dominionism. The Christian Taliban is as much a danger to America as any other extreme group. It looks like they've taken over just like on that show.

Two scary facts about the story line in Handmaid's Tale: A pandemic makes it possible for the "Sons of Jacob"--the religious extremists to take over, and secondly armed men with AK 47s take over various government buildings which allow the extreme religious cult to take over and institute an authoritarian government. Remember the intimidation by protesters in Michigan, making death threats against the governor there? Trump called them "very good people", while calling people at the recent protests "thugs".

Religion is often used as control by elites, and well the evangelical base of Trump, has literally brought hell to our country. They vote and stand for oppression.

I wonder if I will be a victim in Trump's purges to come. Dictators love those. When pro-fascist Trump recently came out against Antifa, or anti-fascist people, it made me wonder if I dared to wear my "Fatties against Fascism" t-shirt out in public, if I would get black boxed somewhere. I also belong on Facebook to the group Fat Rose/Fat Lib Ink. They are a fat rights group that have directly stood against fascism. I still will give them my support as well as other liberal causes.

It's interesting in World War II, American soldiers fought against fascism, but now the Orange Sociopath blatantly supports it. Antifa is a nebulous word or definition where Trump could round up any leftist he wants, claiming they are anti-fascist. This is one place where my disgust for his stupid followers is high, because they are basically admitting they are fascists supporting this man.

Don't forget Trump allowed the pandemic to come here, ignoring intelligence, setting the USA up for destruction. He has given no words of solace to those who have died from his willful failures to the American people. We have a nation of people who have been locked down for three months. The young can't go to school, they were forced home from college, their jobs and futures wiped away. Many do not have money to pay their bills. Some have lost loved ones.  Many have lost their jobs or even seen their businesses ruined. Unlike other countries that froze bills, this one in it's greed had every car insurance company, utilities, landlords demanding the same pay outs. Just wait until the now delayed evictions get in full swing. The number of homeless people will skyrocket. When you push people into the "nothing to lose" category, chaos is what you get.

The first 1200 was vaporized with rent and food for many last month and now this month's rent is due. There are 40 million and growing unemployed people and those jobs aren't coming back. I wrote weeks ago on my reddit account and Facebook that riots would be forthcoming. All it needed was on spark, and with the out of control racism, and police brutality in this country, it was only a matter of time.

If a second stimulus doesn't come, expect the USA to burn and crime to skyrocket. Our supposed leaders were already arguing over giving people a second one. The whole system is jerry-built, the job system and capitalist system was falsely propped up and failing long before the pandemic came. No one had enough money to buy enough shit anymore.

Both parties don't represent us anymore. I am probably going to vote for Biden, this is a very hard and reluctant choice for me just because Trump is so much of a monster, but I don't expect oligarchy Biden or his VP to fix anything, I am merely trying to buy survival time or a pause in the chaos. That's if we even get to have an election. Sanders could have fixed things, and he tried, but rich assholes, conservative boomers and brainwashed people stood in the way. The young have been disenfranchised, and by young I mean 50s and under, and life in the inner city grew harder and harder. Poverty and despair have grown out of control. Racism has increased under Trump. People can't afford homes, or lives or families. The jobs don't pay enough or are near impossible to get. People are fed up.

The American people have dealt with one atrocity after another, and don't want to take it anymore.  Before as our leaders did their stupid shit, one still had their lives and one could live life. Now that they have taken that away [I support the lock downs to protect everyone] lets be frank, turning the country into a petri dish has added fear, horror and loss to everyone's life. This stuff is unforgiveable. They have enriched themselves while adding more pressure to the situation. Our own leaders have become abusers, who in their greed, have brought destruction, death and the ruining of millions of dreams. Some are wisely asking, who am I in this country? African Americans are tired of being treated like second class citizens and murdered by cops who get back up from corrupt court systems.

What will happen? Trump is setting up scenarios where America could collapse into war. All it will take is live ammunition being used by the military on protesters. Other countries like Syria have collapsed from internal civil wars. Rural and urban could divide. I live in a now Democratic run state, but live in a conservative rural enough area, where Proud Boys are now driving around with large blue lined black flags waving from their pick up trucks. Our state government was already intimidated by fascists with their artillery protesting the lock-downs.  Governors are expressing outrage at the insanity of Trump. If the protests are suppressed, the crack-downs will be harder. The racism and police state will grow in power.  If the protests continue, then Trump's violence could bring war and instability to the United States. Most protester were peaceful protesters, and that's another problem too with agitators and others probably doing their thing, with most of the mainstream news focusing on looters instead of the message. Some Black Lives Matter protesters and others made it clear, that agent provocateurs and white supremacists were entering the fray to bring violence and looting, to set up up the alt-right dream of  the boogalo uprising that will bring a second civil war to the United States.

Trump is a destructive force and evil to the core. Some brainwashed types will blather "Orange Man, Bad!" at me for telling the truth, but he truly is.

In my household, I have had midnight conversations about fleeing the United States. I never thought I would have these conversations. My husband doesn't want to leave. We don't have money and no one wants older and chronically ill disabled people.  I see bad things coming. Maybe it's reading too many history books, maybe it's knowing about my now deceased German mother in law hiding from snipers in the woods as a pre-teen. Maybe I've seen too much in this life time where I can't live in the usual positive thinking and denial bubble of too many Americans around me. My conscience is clear, I stood up against Trump, sadly he is taking America further down the road to destruction and evil and too many are allowing him. History probably will repeat itself. I don't support violence or looting of innocent small businesses, but I do support the protesters. I think when Trump won, we knew what he was and what he would bring. That poster of 2017? I was right. He is a fascist and now he's trying to destroy America.

George Floyd

People Who Refuse to Social Distance

I hate that term social distancing, it seems like a form of social engineering....

That said, I woke up in a cold sweat for running into this neighbor without mask having forgotten mine, and then stepping into an elevator [she was on] to try and take care of a laundry problem. Going into the elevator was dumb what if she cough in it?

I should put it on before I step out the front door but it being late didn't expect to run into anyone. I also forgot. My husband couldn't get money on the laundry card, and I was trying to figure it out and racing upstairs to the laundry room. The office was closed so the machine to put cash on it was inaccessible.  The process was Byzantine and supposedly you had to learn it by osmosis. Endless googling didn't tell us either.

One neighbor upstairs with a mask and after I had put one on in my pocket told me, you had to get a code on the computer to punch in to the machine to get money on your laundry card. We broke it down and figured it out, but it took too long. By the way how is anyone doing anything now without a computer or a smart phone? All the directions were smart phone ones too by the way and we don't own one. He had just tried to figure it out, I was going upstairs to give it a try. As usual my apartment had imploded, and he had been sick for three days unable to walk barely from gout. Since he is my caretaker this ups the stress levels to the zenith.

Anyhow even while walking to the elevator, I grimaced to see this neighbor in the hall, I managed to stay 10 feet or more away but then dumbly without thinking stepped into the enclosed empty elevator she had just been on without a mask.  All these people think I am rude or paranoid by the way as I turn around. Some of them walk towards me uncaring. Is this the result of a Republican area where they all think the virus is a hoax? I am dodging neighbors like a game of Predator or something.

This woman is a problem, it seems every other minute I am running away from her. Most of the time I have a mask on when doing so. I have problems breathing in the masks too which complicates their use, but I will put one on to leave here and walk slowly outside, but there's times they make me gasp from my COPD. I have a medical grade one so am not trying to breathe through too thick of cloth.

She smokes down stairs and is on the front stoop of the apartment building, 3 out of every 10 times, I try to go somewhere. Living in an apartment during pandemic is rough. One day the mailman ran the doorbell with my very expensive lung medicine. I had just stepped out of the shower and put clothing on and had to race out to catch him before he left to get the medicine. Now that the USA seems to be imploding I wonder how the mail system will do. Forgot the mask then too. He didn't have one on either. He at least handed me the box at the most distance possible.

In parks, one has to watch out for people who will walk right up on top of you. I don't get out where there's a lot of people but one day, I was in the car and wanted to take a picture of a scene in a park. Some people from behind tried to walk right up on me as I opened the car door. I hope I don't sound like a mask Nazi, but aren't these people afraid of getting the virus? I am high risk, and have made too many errors.

My husband has gone into stores, with a mask, and I have stayed out of stores except one since March 9th. I see the people without a care in the world, no mask, they don't even try to stay away from other people walking into the stores and rest.

I hope I don't catch it. All of this has not been good for someone like me with anxiety disorders and lung problems. I've made my own mistakes too. One thing to be noticed is it is always me trying to avoid some of these people. I don't blame the mailman, but the rest, they all walk towards me without a care in the world.