From Zero to 60: The Major Hoover Attempt

                                   
My brother wrote back to his no contact letter.

They recently tried to hoover me. I know 5 years in, they are still popping up like poisonous pennies. Maybe I erred engaging. In his case, there had never been a no contact letter. I decided to send one for legal reasons--I wanted a documentation that I wanted nothing more to do with him, and to put closure on it all.  I told him off 2 and half year  on the phone, the day he told me Aunt Scapegoat had died. That had been our last contact.

A few months ago, I ignored a card my mother sent and threw it away, that came a few days before my 20th anniversary. In this she said, her husband was dying. This is the husband she married around 10 years ago. He's a nice guy but fully under her control. I wasn't even invited to their wedding which was held on January 10th. I feel bad he's dying. People drop like flies around Queen Spider but no relationship with him is possible while no contact.

 Because the guilt game did not work to slide back into scapegoat place and because my mother's husband was dying, my brother only a few months later was called out as a flying monkey. He told me he wanted to come and visit me. I refused. I have not seen him in almost 9 years. I don't think he has even been in my state in all those years either but have no way for knowing for sure. He went to visit my mother. I had messages blocked, but a few came in.  I have to lock down my social media more. He had others emailing and messaging me too. He told me he wanted to visit, another nephew was used as a pawn.

"We want to see you", well you all know the game. The "forgive and forget" side step. I told him off on the phone, 2 and half years ago but he came back, like nothing had happened. This time he was acting nice, saying he wanted to do lunch and bring the nephews. I ignored the messages for weeks, but then felt afraid, that he'd show up at the door uninvited. I probably erred engaging at all, but for me having final closure works better.

 Some people have recommended legal means to be left alone. Well I have to put my barriers up higher.  I erred letting the messages come through and seeing them. There was one block that actually failed, I have to figure out what happened still. I cannot underestimate my mother's total control of people now.

Here is what I wrote him:


 I tried to talk things out with you for years, and it was a waste of time, you did nothing but make excuses, invalidate me, deny my abuse, tell me you were busy over and over, and defended their abuses and cruelty, telling me I was always in the wrong or had to put up with it. I have given up on any of you changing. You are what you are, and so am I, a person that doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

 Earlier he had written me this, notice the minimization and rest. I fixed the grammar and spelling mistakes. My husband agrees he is in deep denial.

Never did I deny anything you said about our childhood. But unlike you I decided NOT to allow it to define me.

So totally removing me and *********** and your nephews from your life makes absolutely no sense. I'm willing to agree to disagree on this issue. I wish the same could be said about you. I've forgiven Mom and Dad for all the shit they put me and you through. I guess you have not.
And as far as choosing Mom over you? This makes no sense. This is our first trip to {my state} since the last time I saw you and **********. So seeing you guys is as much a priority if not more as seeing Mom. And i want to see {mother's husband} he is not doing well and wish to spend some time with him. He's a great guy whatever you think and deserves respect regardless of your feelings about Mom.
..........

As far as being busy? I run a business and have for 26 years. And as any self-employed person will tell you is not a five day a week, 9-5 job. I still put in 10-12 hour days. Even when I'm not out selling I'm still doing something business related. But after 26 years most days I still enjoy it very much. But I am taking 3 days off this weekend and with all that free time, which i get very rarely, I've choose to spend some of it with you. Unfortunately I guess ...... you don't forgive people right? I always believe people deserve second chances and sometimes third or fourths as we are human and none of us are perfect. 

I guess if you feel this strongly that I have treated you so bad there is nothing i can do to change your mind. Sad really. There's a lot I've wanted to talk to about but guess that not going to happen. All I asked was we could come see you which we don't very often. I know it's impossible for you to visit us but understand it's not something I'm able to do frequently either so I hope you change your mind and take advantage of this opportunity to see each other. Neither one of us is getting any younger.

I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want any more of his games, bragging, shaming or guilt inducements, so I decided to write back and make that his official no contact letter. Maybe this was an error and I should have kept to the last phone call it, but since I had just been informed of Aunt Scapegoat's death that day, I didn't have time to say even more I wanted to. At least now the door is closed as far as he is concerned for good.

Here is some of what I wrote him:

You had two and half years to apologize or stand up for me. You actually helped enable the over-all abuse. You are denying what I said about our childhood here. Also telling me I have let it define me is bullshit. I am defining myself outside of a family that never had any respect for me, that is the road to recovery not denial like yours.

I am not talking about childhood all the time but how I was treated as an adult into my 40s. Maybe you think it's okay to keep people in your life who rip you down--they did all the time behind your back, you know, and who refuse to invite you, ignore your health needs or drive by your apt without stopping by and teach many others to treat you with disrespect. Your response here has only proven that I have made the right decision.

The whole family spoke to me the same way you did in private messages and emails, telling me they were "too busy" even when they drove right by my house, ignoring my private messages, even some I wrote only a couple times a year, coming to visit your mother and making sure "not to tell me" because they were busy. People chose their priorities. Busy is an excuse. This relationship was long ago over, because you were "too busy" as you told me every time I tried to write you a private message only once every few months. The fact you are doing it yet again is disgusting.
.......

 I am tired of the put-downs. Even here your first response is to minimize things and tell me how the kids you worked with were more abused. Hmm, you probably will tell them all to "forgive" their unrepentant abusers and take it, instead of going no contact and bettering their lives, and finding people to uplift their lives.

So here, you showed the usual disrespect which backs up my decision.

At times you would appear shocked at what I told you like what she said about wishing [Aunt Scapegoat] would die that time but you would always revert to your brainwashing. So I am wasting my time.

It's almost been 9 years. Do you remember when I asked you to visit me, and you told me to send you 1,000 dollars? That was funny because the very next month I saw a picture of your Christmas tree with thousands of dollars of presents under it.

How do you forgive someone who keeps repeating the same behavior? Forgiveness is for those who repent. It is not for those incapable of feeling guilt. That is false forgiveness. When behavior is repeated over and over, then you are just a sucker. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
...............

 Also when you go on about the business, it's to brag, I'm not stupid. Just like you bragged to me constantly about your new cars, computers and furniture with pictures included. How do you think that made me feel?

Sure people deserve second chances, but there's a point where people are toxic and harmful to a person and that applies here. With the family, I gave multiple chances. How long did you all expect me to hang around being treated so badly? I mean are any of you truly surprised I walked?
.........

Even your first message here was an insult, acting like nothing had happened since our last phone call in 2016. You never acknowledged anything I discussed and your constant dismissive messages of "get over it", "leave the past in the past" and "let it go" BS was just said to silence me and here you repeat all of it. Playing "forgive and forget" games where I am supposed to get back in line while nothing is resolved is a waste of time.

So yes I do feel you have treated me badly, you are treating me badly in this response. You are invalidating me same like before, it just has helped cement my decision. It's the same old thing over and over.

Really what do we have to talk about, you don't respect anything I have to say. ........I believe the only reason you are contacting me now is because Mom told you too, since I ignored a card she sent three months ago.

As I said, maybe one day you will wake up but I am not counting on it.
Goodbye

***********************************************
I was doing a lot better, "forgetting" about them. I'm even kind of embarrassed to be writing about being drawn into the spiral again, and almost made the choice not to post about this. I still plan to continue with my life as before. The final door is shut on him. 

Maybe for two steps forward there can be one back. I was happier and becoming more calm. Focusing on trying to enjoy life and moving forward with it. I need to put some higher barriers, control on the mail, and more social media blocking. They are always trying to control me via emotions since they have none. There's always all these people dying around her. She sucks their energy like a sponge.

One thing many ACONs need to be warned of is often no contact must be maintained. I am sure I have made my errors. Some ACONS online told me it seems odd that my family is tracking me down so much and it seems extreme. They told me they were just discarded and that was that.

One thing is I don't want to drive people around me crazy talking about the horrible family when finally I had stopped for months, and felt good. The light at end of the tunnel was getting far brighter.  My only way to deal now is consider this a blip on the map and keep moving forward.

 I don't think I ever will understand how she got them all in her back pocket so easily but there's nothing I can do about it.  It is hard to describe my emotions of disappointment and grief here. I had my deconversion but it's scary to watch the universe, or whatever force runs this place, always choosing her.  One apology, one nice word outside of bragging, or showing off or being Mommy's flying monkey and I may have relented. The same goes for all the other cold narcissists I walked away from. They are INCAPABLE of it.

He was abused too, some of my most horrible memories are watching him being beaten in front of me. He could have been an ally but was not. Internalized Oppression has him worshipping his sociopathic mistress: "Mom". Understand this is some of why I took so long to let him go. I certainly gave it enough time. I had to face facts too about what kind of person he had become too.

It is kind of creepy that someone can go from 0-60 in asking for a visit nicely to "Go Fuck Yourself" so quickly but that's life with narcissists.

One thing with the narcs, if there's any milestones or birthdays or anniversaries coming by your way, realize these are some of the moments they will strike.  This can happen years later as my example illustrates. I hit a 20 year marriage anniversary and 50th birthday, all within a short period of time. My father died on Labor Day weekend 20 years ago, so I am not surprised this weekend was chosen either for the attempted hoovering. You are not paranoid if you sniff the subtle manipulations.

With my brother, I gave him far too long and too much patience. He is a disappointment. He always talked to me in a very negative fashion. The grand business is selling candy bars from a van with teenagers. Some states have outlawed these "candyman scams" but not in the one he lives in. He calls it a charity, taking them on a few youth trips a year but having them sell candy bars door to door, and he lives off the proceeds. He does work and make money, he is on a far higher socioeconomic level then me but it's just more of the bragging and family-wide materialism.

The candy business may not last long. He has very poor health too telling me that he still has problems from his quadruple bypass of three years ago.  Illness has spread through the family even to the sociopath's willing victims and sycophants.  There is no relationship left, and even then I consider him in the category of another narcissist I had to get out of my life.

I spent a lot of my childhood having to defend myself from him fighting like a boy, never protected as a girl. He always spoke to me like a thug, learning from his parent's examples.