I'm in one of those weird modes lately, "What am I going to do with my life?" I do plan to get more art work done and to try and publish some poems.
You know I'm one of those people who gets in "life reset" mode. I'm in one now. Well I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It was good when I decided to leave Chicago, some good years and survival came. Life right now isn't working for me. It's time to make changes.
I watched this video because I feel a lot of regrets lately. There's things I'm glad for like my husband and the art show there's things I want to change.
My goals now include 1. Find decent senior/disabled building for us to retire. We need place we can survive better in. 2. Complete art illustration project. 3. Complete Fat Pat. [yeah I know it's taking too long] 4. Clean out this apartment. 5. Try to stay alive from giant kidney stone [see below] 6. Try publishing some poems. 7. Finish paperwork for hearing aids, glasses and obtainment of those items. 8. Enter a PACE program for the elderly disabled, I can get access to medical care, services and exercise/social programs. 9. Join Senior Center of whatever town I end up in/or while here to do programs. We are eligible soon. 10. See functional doctor [end of August] to find help to return to normal life and stuff Covid messed up. 11. Maintain present friendships. 12. Help husband in finding another kind of more stress free lifestyle--he's very near disabled himself. 13. Financial Survival I will post on this more. 14. Finish up my garden at the church I just left for the season, and hope for a few cucumbers and tomatoes. 15. Find counselor or counselor program to deal with Covid-related "germphobia" and problems related to past PTSD and OCD. I joked one reason I and husband never got COVID is the miracle of OCD.
The weight thing is still bad, maybe one giant regret I have is failure to lose weight. I never expected to make it this long in life since I peaked at 700lbs in my late 20s. Most people my size are long ago dead. I do think Lipedema changes the longevity thing. There are people who are in shock that I am still alive, maybe even some doctors. Now I don't want to throw a party saying "Oh I made it!" I found out I have a bad kidney stone, I'm not sure what they plan to do with it yet. The too much calcium in my urine thing is causing bad problems. Maybe it's uric acid and I can melt it with drugs. I don't know what the Urologist is going to do.
Now Lipedema can kill you very young. I almost died in my 20s and 30s of the constant infections. There's been no leg infection now for over a year and a half, that takes a lot of hours a day for me to keep them away. I extended my life with all the leg treatments on Flexitouch and wrappings. Many of my online friends with Lipedema at my stage of the illness died very young, their 30s-50s. One friend lived until her 60s but had been completely bedbound for years. I have a lot of sadness over what happened to these friends that is hard to explain.
So one big regret for me in life is having a body like this. Lets be frank, it did scare people away and turned my life into a hellzone. It's been years of disrespect and being seen as a freak. It gave abusers a place to abuse me anymore. I never was like other people. Yes, I have often thought what my life could have been without such a shitty body. So that's one. No fat person thinks it's great to be fat contrary to thin people who judge us as it being a "choice".
I found this regret list interesting so lets look at them:
1. "Caring Too Much What People Think". All of us ACONS end up in that fawn zone, so been there done that, but I'm one of those personalities that can piss off others easily by following my own drummer. Maybe I would still have a happy life even in my UU if I lined up like everyone else. That's not me. Some people would be outraged that I am this way while others see it as a positive. Maybe I am crazy to step out so much, but I never was an NPC that followed the crowd. If I really cared what people thought, I'd still be fawning next to a bunch of narcissists.
2. "Not Following Their Passion in Life". I love art. I paid a price for it previously in life. Sometimes it's insane to me how much grief I got just for wanting to be a damn art teacher. I was good at it, during the short time I got to do it. When young, despite bad health I was energetic. One counselor told me, I went a lot further then people as autistic as me go, but if you like something enough, it can float you up a bit. I did follow the art thing and still do. Right now I have to figure out how to get more art supplies. The illustration project has 20 panels. So wonder I've taken a while on it. There are older people who told me, they regretted not trying to write, or do art, or other pursuits they wanted to do. Maybe some avoided being a starving artist, and were able to make decent livings, but some did share regrets with me.
3. "Working Too Much". I did when young, those 60-80 hour weeks weren't good for my health. I know why I did it. Of course being disabled this long, I'm not on the work roster. Many people do fall into the work until they drop trap especially now as making a living is so hard.
4. "Not Saying How They Truly Feel" My husband addressed something with me the other day. I was crying because I felt disrespected on a Zoom group. He said, "You need to push back a little. Don't let them walk over you." There was a lot of times in life I was too quiet. I have regrets now about being too silent to narcissists and others who steam rolled over me. I may be making some thoughts known to certain people.
2. "Not Following Their Passion in Life". I love art. I paid a price for it previously in life. Sometimes it's insane to me how much grief I got just for wanting to be a damn art teacher. I was good at it, during the short time I got to do it. When young, despite bad health I was energetic. One counselor told me, I went a lot further then people as autistic as me go, but if you like something enough, it can float you up a bit. I did follow the art thing and still do. Right now I have to figure out how to get more art supplies. The illustration project has 20 panels. So wonder I've taken a while on it. There are older people who told me, they regretted not trying to write, or do art, or other pursuits they wanted to do. Maybe some avoided being a starving artist, and were able to make decent livings, but some did share regrets with me.
3. "Working Too Much". I did when young, those 60-80 hour weeks weren't good for my health. I know why I did it. Of course being disabled this long, I'm not on the work roster. Many people do fall into the work until they drop trap especially now as making a living is so hard.
4. "Not Saying How They Truly Feel" My husband addressed something with me the other day. I was crying because I felt disrespected on a Zoom group. He said, "You need to push back a little. Don't let them walk over you." There was a lot of times in life I was too quiet. I have regrets now about being too silent to narcissists and others who steam rolled over me. I may be making some thoughts known to certain people.
Yesterday, I felt disrespected, and I did push back in a group. I don't regret it. I may leave this group, it's a chronic pain group, but someone told me the person I stood up to, seemed apologetic. They really push "toxic positivity" there, and yesterday I wrote the group leader and said, "That toxic positivity harms disabled people" and I said in the email "What is the use of a pain group if you can't talk about the pain?" What is weird, is I was talking about housing issues, and this other guy was in on the conversation just getting started to tell me what he went through to get housing, and of course one of the "be positive/smile or die" types tries to shut down the conversation. Sometimes I wonder if she had training or something to tell all us "woe-be-gone disabled and chronic pain patients" to always suppress their emotions and shut down any real discussion. This is something that is being instilled in society as a whole, to go along with the AI/globalist take over. I have to think about this issue a bit deeper but am noticing some "changes" in how it seems many official groups want people to communicate that worries me a bit.
With the UUs, I should have just told them the shots sucked from day one, and I hated the Covid BS instead of just "hiding out" because I felt like all us unvaxxed were going to be dragged off to camps. I said a few things but was treated like I was "crazy" and invalidated so that really is one reason my separation came there. Sometimes I was way too nice. I should have stood up for myself more.
One thing I am facing in life, is my appearance is a bit shocking, I'm getting old. I wish I had money to get my hair fixed, and get some issues addressed. Maybe I can figure a few things out, but I need new hair, and I'll start with that.
I need to break in some new Birkenstocks so I have the "crummy" shoe problem fixed soon, but I'm not looking normal. Hormonally, my testosterone seems very high, and I've asked a few doctors to test it and they won't and I don't know why. When I was forced off my androgen blocker, some years back, my looks did change. I look very masculine in the face that I have to shave. My voice is having problems, like my vocal cords feel worn out, and voice is hoarse, and is weak and wavery. My deafness is impacting it. Because my hearing is so bad, to communicate with anyone takes much more brain processing so I "appear slow" and I think this is causing some social problems that already were hard enough with the autism. Empathy is lowering in people as a whole and no one wants to deal with a "slow", deaf old lady!
On Zooms, I'm having to read, process--some words are missed on the captioning and try and keep up and well, sometimes that's hard. The hearing issues are BAD. It did increase the isolation to the max. My hearing got so bad and this brings me grief, I can't hear my husband anymore. So I have to get out transcribers to even have conversations in my own home.
To visit with people I have to sit right next to them, use the transcribe phone, and hope I get most of what they are saying. This is far more tiring than your classic listen by ears communication experience. Sadly if you display any form of weakness in American society, you can get steam rollered. Ive had positive outcomes standing up for myself more, but it always feels scary to do and sometimes when you do it, you see no future in a certain group, or with a certain person or situation.
One thing I am facing in life, is my appearance is a bit shocking, I'm getting old. I wish I had money to get my hair fixed, and get some issues addressed. Maybe I can figure a few things out, but I need new hair, and I'll start with that.
I need to break in some new Birkenstocks so I have the "crummy" shoe problem fixed soon, but I'm not looking normal. Hormonally, my testosterone seems very high, and I've asked a few doctors to test it and they won't and I don't know why. When I was forced off my androgen blocker, some years back, my looks did change. I look very masculine in the face that I have to shave. My voice is having problems, like my vocal cords feel worn out, and voice is hoarse, and is weak and wavery. My deafness is impacting it. Because my hearing is so bad, to communicate with anyone takes much more brain processing so I "appear slow" and I think this is causing some social problems that already were hard enough with the autism. Empathy is lowering in people as a whole and no one wants to deal with a "slow", deaf old lady!
On Zooms, I'm having to read, process--some words are missed on the captioning and try and keep up and well, sometimes that's hard. The hearing issues are BAD. It did increase the isolation to the max. My hearing got so bad and this brings me grief, I can't hear my husband anymore. So I have to get out transcribers to even have conversations in my own home.
To visit with people I have to sit right next to them, use the transcribe phone, and hope I get most of what they are saying. This is far more tiring than your classic listen by ears communication experience. Sadly if you display any form of weakness in American society, you can get steam rollered. Ive had positive outcomes standing up for myself more, but it always feels scary to do and sometimes when you do it, you see no future in a certain group, or with a certain person or situation.
Which takes us to #5
5. Not Standing Up for Ourselves Enough. Probably every ACON on earth feels that to a degree. Why didn't I tell monster Mommy off at 18 and then get out for good? Oh we all think it. There's work I have to do, to avoid being a doormat. There's things I'm learning in my 50s, probably most learned in their teens, to achieve some social standing and bearings. Social status really does float the boat of this world and if you're low on it, it's even more imperative you learn to stand up for yourself and fight for your interests.
6. Not Believing in Yourself Enough This one is important. I always believed in myself as an artist, so had that going for me, but there were other life areas, this applied to. Narcissistic parents destroy that inner courage and confidence, and some of us spend years building it back. Sometimes I fear what my fate would have been without a more discernable talent. I really do. We all must believe in ourselves. Even with the Covid stuff, the pressures on all of us who saw through the psychopathic bullshit tested this one to the extreme ends. We all had to believe in ourselves to say "You aren't going to do that to me!" This is where you need to develop balls of iron in a world that wants to crush you. This is a muscle that develops if you use it. Some people have told me they think I have a strong will, I don't know, but you don't want to be someone who doubts yourself too much in this world.
7. Not Taking Better Care of Yourself. All young people need to be taught self care. Sadly many are told you are young, you can work yourself into a heap and that I think sets many up for failure. It did me. My family had a nasty attitude where I wasn't supposed to get or have food, or sleep like everyone else. It was the surest way to a destroyed metabolism and mental health problems for life. If I could go back in time, I would have quit some jobs, even homelessness in one situation with social work help would have been a better outcome. I was talking about this the other day where I was in the town I lived in where I went to college and worked a few years. I tried to go to the social workers, my anxiety disorders were at their peak and I was not functioning well at all [my first no contact btw]. My desire was to get help and I got turned down. Too many people slide through the cracks. The agency that turned me away still exists in that town.
6. Not Believing in Yourself Enough This one is important. I always believed in myself as an artist, so had that going for me, but there were other life areas, this applied to. Narcissistic parents destroy that inner courage and confidence, and some of us spend years building it back. Sometimes I fear what my fate would have been without a more discernable talent. I really do. We all must believe in ourselves. Even with the Covid stuff, the pressures on all of us who saw through the psychopathic bullshit tested this one to the extreme ends. We all had to believe in ourselves to say "You aren't going to do that to me!" This is where you need to develop balls of iron in a world that wants to crush you. This is a muscle that develops if you use it. Some people have told me they think I have a strong will, I don't know, but you don't want to be someone who doubts yourself too much in this world.
7. Not Taking Better Care of Yourself. All young people need to be taught self care. Sadly many are told you are young, you can work yourself into a heap and that I think sets many up for failure. It did me. My family had a nasty attitude where I wasn't supposed to get or have food, or sleep like everyone else. It was the surest way to a destroyed metabolism and mental health problems for life. If I could go back in time, I would have quit some jobs, even homelessness in one situation with social work help would have been a better outcome. I was talking about this the other day where I was in the town I lived in where I went to college and worked a few years. I tried to go to the social workers, my anxiety disorders were at their peak and I was not functioning well at all [my first no contact btw]. My desire was to get help and I got turned down. Too many people slide through the cracks. The agency that turned me away still exists in that town.
Here we need to know proper eating and more. Forcing a 20 something to live on nothing but ramen, because they have no money is setting them up for future health problems and obesity. In other countries, they feed the children far better lunch foods and stress nutrition much more highly. The access to healthy food is higher. I will write on that more too. America treats 20 somethings like crap, and that needs changed. 20 something year old people deserve decent money, food and lives. I hope Gen Z learns to stand up for themselves, they are a generation that really needs to.
8. Not Taking More Risks. There are things I do think I took risks on and other things I did not. Many people can be caught with their nose to the grindstone afraid to make a move, because what if things get worse? I was more the personality if things had gone to shit, it was time to get out. LOL I guess that's my mode of thinking lately. There's risk in putting yourself out there in any writing and artistic ventures. Many people get caught at that point where they don't feel it is safe to put themselves out there, due to past traumas and disappointments. This one I feel wasn't as much of a problem for me.
This list was interesting to examine with my own life. See how your life compares and write in comments. Do you feel these are common regrets? Do you feel some of these regrets? Tell me what you think.
8. Not Taking More Risks. There are things I do think I took risks on and other things I did not. Many people can be caught with their nose to the grindstone afraid to make a move, because what if things get worse? I was more the personality if things had gone to shit, it was time to get out. LOL I guess that's my mode of thinking lately. There's risk in putting yourself out there in any writing and artistic ventures. Many people get caught at that point where they don't feel it is safe to put themselves out there, due to past traumas and disappointments. This one I feel wasn't as much of a problem for me.
This list was interesting to examine with my own life. See how your life compares and write in comments. Do you feel these are common regrets? Do you feel some of these regrets? Tell me what you think.
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