My Life of Sadness Among the "Juice Drinkers"

Today it doesn't take much to lose a friend, if you don't have all the "politically correct" opinions, they are ready to kick you to the curb. It's happened to me so often, I'm tired. I feel so REPRESSED around so many people. This doesn't apply to a few good friends including two local ones. One friend said to me, "You are around the wrong people". Life has always been hard for me socially, I am autistic and weird but it's harder in some places than others. Socially things are bad lately outside of a few friends.

I have these memories in my old small rural town of having some people to talk to, and while things weren't perfect, I felt like I could be "me" on certain stable basis. My anti-war friends knew I was into bible prophecy and attended conservative churches. They didn't hold it against me, after all we agreed on war and help for the poor. Conversation seemed different back then, like we used to sit at the coffee shop and talk to each other for hours, and it seemed natural.  You could disagree and have a debate, but back then it was fun. The future seemed to have hope to it. I had community both at the IFB church and the Antiwar group and co-op. 

We had libertarian friends and even a few socialists in the mix. There were times I did feel rejection or sad about autistic "social failures" but when I moved away I had two going away parties, one at my better IFB church and another one coupled with a second art show where I shared some food too, with my friends. The going away was with tears. One regret I will have for the rest of my life is leaving that place. We were able to do a couple visits later but money kept us away too for too long. It's weird to think about those times, because they are so unlike now. 

The other day, I said to my husband, it's not being "lonely", it's having lost too many people along the way. Which I know the older we get, the more people we lose, but for me it began young with the constant moving, the constant living far apart, moved away from friends, or people leaving me and others who died way too young. Add in the family stuff where I had to walk away. I liked some of the cousins, I was forced to move on from but they bought the family narrative. One reality for ACONs, is the loss, we are no longer abused, but the reality is, you have no family anymore. Some people get married like me or have their own family but that's a whole network we don't have. I never knew someone could become this isolated.

I wrote this on Twitter:

"It's not psychologically healthy to be around people you are scared of saying the wrong thing to. Life among the liberals and "educated class". I want to keep arts involvements like writing etc, but I need to protect myself more. They are closed doors that expect full conformity."

When I say closed doors, I find a lot of conversation and attempted connection in my present climate frustrating. They just don't open up. The wealthier with 6 figure jobs, my rural town was far more working class and poor, are far more formalized. Status and conformity seem to run the show. Are there a few nice ones? Sure. Many have reached out to me, and been kind, but no one sees me as "friend material", there is that chasm always there. I always feel like I am "too much for these people" and that everything I say is "too much" too. Normal discourse always seemed to be shut down with very 'safe topics". I trained myself to talk about art and gardening and not talk about problems and I always had an interest in other people but they would share little from their end. Some were such closed books it was shocking.  Like I had to train myself to hide my personality, and I don't mean the hard edges but all of it, even enthusiasm. It made the differences in my former life more glaring.

When I went no contact from my abusers, I stopped overt abuse in my life. Now I will tell people off if need be. I became more private, realizing problems were just used to harm me, but I can't fix this society stuff. I pick up on subtle stuff, that bothers me, like I was in my Aspie Zoom group and noticed the moderator kept changing the subject when I spoke and said, "Would anyone else like to speak?" I was trying to be careful to not talk too much especially given the isolation, but it was a weird response. I felt "rejected" which is sad to have happen in an Aspie group. But then I thought, well last week we got into a conversation about the "heartache" of Covid, and I said I felt like public health had failed. I didn't go on what some would call an "anti-vaxx" rant, I hold back all over the place now, but that can be enough nowadays to be rejected or punished socially.

It reminded me of that time with the friend who asked me "Are you a Qanon now?" That friendship obviously doesn't feel safe anymore to me. With the autistic group, I like the leader but they are one of those young people who is very politically correct, we have to list our pronouns at the start of the group. They are non-binary herself. There was always this pitfall of using the wrong language. How was I to know "non-verbal" for some autistics, has been switched to "non-speaking"? I lost track of some of the change. This other online Aspie activist who is vaxxed to the hilt, simply stopped speaking with me, when I shared some emotions about Covid, I didn't judge her, I stated everyone has to make their own medical choices, but again that's enough. You get cast off the island. It almost feels spiritual. She used to be a really nice person, but now just rants about all the people who break some political correctness rule. 

What if you are someone who has strong beliefs, you can't ignore? It's a scary thought to realize most people where I live, like acquaintances and such, if they read this blog they'd never talk to me again. It is good I kept my mouth shut about my internet moniker and blog with the majority of people. I know some of us make choices in life where there is a price. I made the choice to speak out against this evil, online. 

There's times I attempted connection only to be thwarted. This is where the sadness and pain of living in a body like this one really hits home. Then there's the feeling of never belonging or feeling accepted. I am around all these people where I just don't relate to their lives and Covid put so much distance between us. Yesterday I told my husband, "I feel like I've been put on permanent punishment, I'm grounded for life as these leaders have made Covid last forever". How do you think I feel watching these people live their lives, being in groups, going on trips, where none of this troubles them? They have lives, their life was not destroyed."

This is one reason I have been twisted in knots trying to figure out if the virus is "real" or the "bioweapon" I believe is real. More evidence seem to be for the latter as time went on. I noticed people who used to believe it was fake, realized something was making people sick, though there was debate on what it was. 

I also told him, "No one has insulted me yet, but some are wondering why I am acting this way, hiding out forever." It's pressure that's not easy.

But then on the other side, I've faced overt discrimination and just meanness, I've been told by a few, "You'll have to live in isolation forever because you won't get the shots" I said to one directly, "I don't want to die of blood clots or vasculitis". It's like they thought I hadn't been punished enough. Some others have accused me of being influenced by the far-right. The left has betrayed me so much and doesn't care about what has happened to the poor and working class. None of them represent me. 

 This was the very few I told my status too because honestly I got scared of too many knowing. It DOES mean something when you feel afraid of the people you are around, and I think ones should listen to their intuition. The one woman last year from my church who gave me flowers and got irate over my status, has seemingly disappeared, but she stopped talking to me for good. 

I had to be quiet so often and so much being so outnumbered in the land of the "zombies". It's taken a toll these last few years. I will never understand why they accepted a product that kills people including young people with myocarditis, or that they accepted the concept of a "forever pandemic". Then the weirdness about ignoring things made me wonder too, where they followed the orders of failed public health like puppets instead of using any critical thinking. I wrote in a journal the other day, "You don't have to try anymore." I'm tired. I've been ill and let's be honest, I'm not comfortable around anyone who supports what is happening. 

The loneliness, isolation and just the feeling of life being a cage has taken a massive toll on me. The worse of it? All these emotions except very few have been invalidated by those I am around. The few friends understand. Otherwise there was no one to talk to. I noticed many accepted the "new normal". --"I don't like to go out anyway", "I like things where I can get everything delivered." and then who said to me, "you can't keep living in fear". None related to my feelings of anger, after all their lives remained unaffected. They didn't understand my losses. It was like life with my mother, who never was afraid of anything. I noticed crazy stuff too like people claiming they had Covid, and then out socializing on Facebook within a few days. 

At this point, I'm probably going to step out of some activities and groups. I give up. I am invisible and invalidated. Their lives continued. They trust in the system and get Covid over and over. They see people, family and friends and go places. They feel like there is a future. I will never forgive those who did this to us, and the three years I had taken away. It is unforgiveable. They believe in those people I consider complete and utter evil.

 I am unhappy now. I never knew a person could end up this isolated. If I wasn't married and didn't have his love, I would have completely cracked up.  I feel like a coward when it comes to Covid. Sometimes I think "It's time to pull the plug, you need to return to life, because this isn't living and it's killing you." My health has dived bombed lately. Even my diabetes is out of control, and it's probably stress. Sugars in the 130s and today 143. I am so fatigued, just doing the day to day business of shower and wrapping and food is overwhelming and this has been hard on my husband.

Every lab is off the charts, I'm anemic, I'm full of calcium in urine and blood One or two doctors are still with it, my kidney doctor discovered very low blood pressure the other day, it was 100/68. Many foods have no taste to me though I know I am eating too many eggs because that's the only one that does. I weighed 516 last week. So at least no weight is being gained. Emotions do impact health. 

I do believe some shedding is affecting me, whether graphene or spike proteins. I felt far more ill and had Meniere's attacks every time I had to go grocery shopping. We go to the smallest most out of way grocery stores but this often means encountering 10-15 people. I noticed the patterns too often to ignore them. My Meniere's was stable the last 15 years, there were rare attacks, but the last year since they released the vaxxes, it's constant and now I am almost complete deaf and conversation is gone outside of the transcribe phone. There's no one to talk to about that either. 

One thing I have noticed is no emotions seem allowed anymore. That's one change us Covid questioners talk about a lot among ourselves. We feel like those who got the shots, CHANGED. They don't allow emotions. They show no anger, sadness or grief over Covid. Most look at me like I am crazy. I got SILENCE as the response more often than not. I started wearing a tight grin only talking about art projects and got more and more quiet. My God why bother anymore? 

With the changes in the vaxxed, sometimes I wonder if I had gone crazy, but others online would talk about it. It was shocking that Naomi Wolf described the same phenomenon. {I wanted to link the article but cannot, look up Naomi Wolf's substack, and her article titled, "Lipid Nanoparticles: Are They Subtly Changing Human Beings?

Are Essential Human Qualities Being Destroyed by PEG-Coated Industrial Fats?"

 She wrote this:

"I checked on what it felt like while walking on the city streets, and my impression was confirmed. There they were, the usual Manhattan throngs, surging along the sidewalks — but they were like pictures, like brightly dressed ghosts. The massive energy field —that sense of an island as a pulsing human generator, the electricity that had galvanized generations of newcomers to Manhattan — that was simply gone."

We went to another small town, north of ours, and it was busy that day, it made me feel uncomfortable. This was after the vaxxes were out rolling and most had signed up for them.  A crowd of people [mostly middle class and above tourists] walked by me, and I felt very weird. I remember going back to the car, crying and saying, "They feel like empties". Yeah I know many will think this is crazy and this was a sign of poor mental health but I meant what I said, and this never changed. It was shocking to me to see that Naomi Wolf described the same thing. The energy and the vibe of people feels off the few times I have been around them.

Many describe what she does here:

"Crowds themselves were altered. Young adults were limping, at scale. Men and women in their forties and fifties, who looked as if they had been recently healthy, were now moving like eighty year olds. People in vast numbers, of all ages, walked as if it was hurting them to move. Even teenagers and older children moved like zombies or robots — drifting, with seemingly no energy to spare. Smaller children did not squirm or race around. They sat vacantly on park benches or in restaurants. Or they drifted like little wraiths beside their parents, focussed on nothing.

What happened? What happened to humanity?

Many have described their loved ones being altered in some indefinable ways, after they have been injected with mRNA vaccinations.

People have spoken to me in distress about how they can’t seem to feel the physical presence of their loved ones, post-vaccination.

It looks like the same person, they say with grief, if a bit paler, a bit more fatigued and ethereal.

But it doesn’t feel like the same person."

This is how I have felt. The ill health in many seemed apparent. People seemed to have aged more. I noticed this too. I've talked about how I felt an aura of grey on them all. It's not just Christians either worried about what these shots have done to people, there's New Agers and others who said they felt changes to people. Some of the worse times was seeing friends, one friend was so different, I was in shock, and this is someone I've known more than 30 years. The spark was gone. They seemed muted. I've talked about some of these things in other articles.

Most returned to their lives and just take the constant bouts of Covid as "normal business" no matter if it causes long term side effects. With those other emotions, fear is gone. They seem muted to me. A few times at local woman's group on Zoom, I discussed some emotions about Covid. I faced a brick wall. Silence. It seems when I talk a lot lately, I get silence as a response. Realize I am not going to on what the other side sees as "antivaxx" rants, but MILD things. One example of what I may say is, "Aren't you tired of how long Covid has gone on?" Around here the rules are no one talks about anything.

There even seems to be a weird desensitization about death. It alarms me now that young people dying of strokes and heart attacks and no one cares. People talk about so and so having blood clots like it doesn't matter.  Nothing to see here as the room burns down. Oh, we are playing chicken with a nuclear power and no one gives a crap! That one really worries me. There's a deadness of emotion, I can barely bear. Someone on reddit, said, "It's all PTSD, you are judging wrong!". I said "I've been diagnosed with PTSD by three different therapists in my life, people with PTSD still have emotions, it's not all numbing out. If this was PTSD we would have people bursting out in tears or getting angry!" Instead, I see the endless blank faces that don't seem to care about anything anymore. 

People have accepted the unacceptable. Some may say, "Oh, you deserve the isolation the way you have judged the vaxxed!" I feel nothing but grief. Some of these people were seen as people I planned to be in community with for a very long time. I liked and cared about them. Many were kind to us. I miss the people they used to be before all this. How do you think my life has been having to hide my status, fearing repercussions. Intuition was screaming, be careful! I was banned from three parties because the unvaxxed were not welcomed. I didn't say a word, why paint a target on my back? At one group, they used to chastise the unvaxxed during meetings. Some called them wicked people or horrible Trumpsters. I didn't say anything either because I thought three people knowing my status was too many. Here's one thing too, people have disappeared from there, and it's like no one noticed. I think they are sick or got side effects.  Maybe some moved away. Maybe a silent one or two left for the same reasons I am about to.  There's been a complete silence about that too. 

It's time for me to go too, and it doesn't come without some pain. With my husband, I left it up to him what to do. He always accompanied me to my old conservative churches even if he never converted in. He's disappointed, he was happy there, and I delayed things this long because this was a church that had some interaction during our earlier years there and some happy times. Religion is very complicated for me now but we got into this discussion about churches. I said, the Christian conservative churches here were so awful, all were cults of personality for the pastors especially the last IFB. Maybe things would have gone differently otherwise. I told him while my first IFB was a bit too legalistic, the people there did seem to care and we had some good memories of that place too. 

I do find myself wondering about spiritual stuff here. I feel strange things, I can't voice, in some of their changes. One factor for me that screams in my soul, is WHY ARE THEY ACCEPTING SUCH EVIL? Little kids are dying, teens and young men have died of myocarditis, and no one cares. I noticed that on the Died Suddenly board, where nurses and others talked about the elderly who died or went into dementia right after the Kool-Aid and others who talked about multiple kids in the hospital for severe heart problems that have never been seen here. I can't be with people who accept or condone evil. There's a point where ignorance ends and a person is willfully ignoring what is happening. 

I do wonder about things I learned as a Christian about end times delusions, and other spiritual holds on minds. In other spiritual communities, they have talked about the loss of souls like with Rudolf Steiner. They also see bad spiritual stuff with the vaxxes as well.  One verse I remember from my Christian fundamentalist days is Revelation 17:13. I'm kind of weirded out when people seem to have shut off all independent thinking. Why are there so few independent thinkers immediately around me?

There's no questioning the narrative or even discussion of "What's happened to us". I brought up to an autistic group once, and I very rarely talk to them about Covid, dealing with other topics, that Covid becoming endemic is really bad for me due to my lung disorders. They were all liberal true believers there too, one told me, I'm on my fifth booster and that his sister works for some Big Pharm company. One guy gave me the place knowing I have severe medical issues. I find myself backtracking, having to make sure all over, "I don't say too much". God help me if I had told them I hated the clot shots.

It means something when you feel "afraid" of the people you are around. I guess it would have been the same for a Chinese person who saw through the evil of "struggle sessions" during the time of Mao, or a thinking German as everyone around him heiled Hitler. I've opened up a little on my Twitter account, funny how I can talk to strangers more than in real life.  It means something when you can't be yourself and you are silenced, shamed, invalidated and more. You are around the wrong people. I don't know if I can find any right people around here, outside of the few friends. There's a time to cut one's losses and walk away. 

It has reminded me of my life with my family before no contact. The life I was feeling hope in and trying to find after my no contact with the last relatives, has fallen off the tracks. I can't be around people who just repress me, and who want to silence me and who condone what is happening. I cannot accept it, whatever that means. I have to survive in this world so confronting people will not work, I know nothing I say will change things but taking care of myself means being around people that don't make me frightened or alarmed or who move against my core values. My family always hated me for being a truth-teller, and well with this, someone has to tell the truth. Evil is happening and it should not be condoned.