It was Mini-Me's birthday yesterday. Should I care? I wonder why I even remember every time an anniversary for a narcissist passes by. Maybe in a few years I won't remember these dates I hope so.
A moment of clarity above from my brother. Mini-Me has nothing to do with him either or as little as possible. My mother and her would play rip Peep and Peep's brother to shred games for years. She has no respect for him either. I am glad he sees through her to a degree, but he always annoyed me with the attitude, "That's just how she is.". Funny how the worse behaviors from the narcissists would get excused why some of us got shunned for life.
I think she was glad I was gone because over almost three years I never got one "What is wrong?" or "Why are you so upset"? She never acted like a real sister. With No Contact I got more clarity about her. She was never there for me and blocked me out of her life as much as possible. She did as many bad things as my mother. Just her not caring about anyone or anything was so extreme.
Even when I went to visit her house for a week in 2003, staying at a hotel and making myself as trouble-free of a guest as possible, she didn't want me there. She never wrote one real letter, well neither did the other one. Well I long ago stopped sending her birthday cards.
I found out recently it's a nephews birthday I forgot to send a card for on the 5th. I haven't seen him since 2010. I'll be making one today. He will be at his mother's house and wouldn't get the card right away anyhow since he lives with my brother's ex wife.
I and the nephew don't really have a relationship either. This stuff just makes me sad and depressed. I will send him a card but feel annoyed and upset inside. I'm not mad at him. It's hard to explain. I didn't send the 17 year old nephew a card this year, since he ignored every one he got including the last one with a letter enclosed asking for a email. He too refused a Facebook befriending.
Even the low contact "relationships" bother me. Sending strangers cards is hard even if they are young strangers. What do you write in the card? It seems all stilted boringness. There seems to be nothing but loss there, when it comes to any relative. I was forgotten about. The only person who notices I am alive is my brother's girlfriend but even with her, I worry about flying monkeys and digs for information. She comes from a normal family that loves one another, and her parents supported and helped both her and her sister.
Sometimes I think even the few low contact people hurt me, maybe some without meaning to. I don't know how to explain this. It feels like I am an invisible ghost these kids get a card from. So far away and for what? I'll send a card to another kid who doesn't even know me and I don't know them. I used to have hope in the future, that some would come around or that things would financially change for us, so I could go and see them more. I would ask them about their hobbies and what they liked to do and it always ended up short. None would send me an email. In all these cards, I would enclose an email address, all these kids are on the computer. Of course I feel like a bad aunt without any money to visit.
The nice niece hasn't written me since my birthday and refused to befriend me on Facebook. That hurt too. Why is EVERYONE controlled? Do teens rebel anymore? The millennial generation seems to be all into pleasing and obeying their parents. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I wonder what lies were told her, to get her to dump me and have nothing to do with me. We traded emails for a few years. I only told her very little, and didn't want to put her in the middle. Was that a mistake?
Remember I went NC with over two thirds of the family, I know you can't build an actual relationship on birthday cards. I'm sending birthday cards to strangers. Sigh.
It sounds like dead-end relationships. I'm glad I went NC with everyone in my adopted family so I don't have to deal with emotional neglect from my adopted nieces and nephews. My adopted narc mother is friends with my adult niece and nephew, but they are not friends with my adopted sisters (their mother and our adopted Korean sister). I did not tolerate that kinds of treatment when I was young.
ReplyDeleteYour relatives sounded like they were spoiled so they don't appreciate the love and time you put into creating beautiful cards. Somebody are giving them stuff that cost money and taking them out for lunch or dinner, and gifts that might be on their lists. I hope you know what I am talking about.
Narcs have money and I am still fighting a system that helped narcs to crawl their ways to the top. I have been praying to God everyday and every time I educate people about narcs. There had colleges, schools, and social services programs who are watching out and making sure narcs don't get chance to hurt and manipulate people in order to get money and power. I'm sorry your nieces and nephews are spoiled and unappreciative of your cards and gifts you could give them. I will pray for you. I don't know what will happen to your nieces and nephews when they become adults. They might be shafted like I was or they might get financial support to go to college or marry a person who has money. You should find out when the time comes.
I worry it's all dead end relationships too. I don't get these teens, when I was young, I wanted to know what aunts and uncles were up to even ones who lived far away who I saw extremely rarely. I never expected weekly phone calls, but 1 or 2 emails a year would have been nice from some of them at least. I am glad you went NC from your adopted family. I wonder if I am wasting my time trying here too. I'm supposed to make two cards today, and low on card making supplies for the two boys.
ReplyDeleteI hate that your adoptive mother stole even the adult children of her other adopted daughters, that's horrible. I don't know how the narcs manage all that.
I feel like because I don't have money to buy them presents like Queen Spider, the home made cards didn't matter. One niece seemed to appreciate things and to take an interest but I know when I went NC, my mother make it a focus to take that niece away from me and suddenly she was visiting her all the time and had her to her house alone for three weeks etc. Yeah I know how that works no one is left for me.
Outside of that one niece not one card I sent over years has gotten acknowledgement. I know kids hate writing thank you notes, but a hello on the internet wouldn't have been a big deal and would have taken 2 seconds. Of course having more of them now refuse Facebook befriendings which is pretty low risk stuff that has hurt.
I know I carry some pain here from the lack of money feeling like I got thrown away because I didn't have the goods to bring to the table. Something seems wrong with people now, no normal attachments. I am disappointed beyond belief that none of them seem "different" from the norm. Even the good niece has been lied to and influenced away.
I hope you will find a good place in life without narcs out to destroy it. Thanks regarding the nieces and the nephews. I see aunts and uncles in my town made a part of their niece and nephew's lives, so yes this is painful stuff.
I get the feeling most are going to be helped and allowed into the system so to speak. The family connections will used for them. None of them seem outliners. The teen boy who is HFA autistic, his mother [brother's ex wife]seems to care about him so he may be okay and he has their family. Him and his brother are gifted in computers so they probably will make it okay. My sister's children are all thin and high achiever sorts, good in math, etc, no one like me in personality or looks [yeah that adoption thing again] very obedient, good students, etc. I suppose since they are good narcissitic supply there will be less abuse in their futures even if one is in the SG role.
I'd rather they not go through what I did, but yes there is that outsider thing. It is sad we are all strangers.
DeleteMy mother had all her nieces and nephews in her life and they respected her. They visited her all the time.
ReplyDeleteYou know, one good reason to continue with the cards may be to try and leave the door open in case anyone ends up ostracized by the family at some point in the future. Then, at least, that person would have someone to turn to, someone who understands the inner workings of the machine. The cards could prove to be the link of hope that person needs to escape the system, should it ever turn on them.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought.
-Lisa
Queen Spider made sure to do a 180 and start being real nice to the niece I thought they were setting up as the next scapegoat. I don't see anyone else being ostracized, all of the millennial generation in my family seem the most obedient to parents and high achiever types so plenty of narc supply. I suppose this could change, it depends on who they decide to let use the family connections and not. The three being left in poverty in their 20s, have decent parents who love them and their mother's family is poor and working class and treats them like human beings. I have only Facebook contact with one. I told one niece or hinted at it strongly come visit me when you are 18, but given her sudden drop-off in contacting me, I don't think she is interesting in escaping the system. One nephew is HFA autistic but has a mother who would protect him even if she is troubled. With the majority, there seems to be no fire in their souls, just pleasing and conforming to parents at any cost. This disturbs me beyond anything else. I hope I am wrong and too much of a stranger to even know.
DeleteThat is hard, to be pushed so far outside of the family, to be looking in from such a distance, all because of one (or more?) toxic person.
DeleteWonder how many family members may be (consciously or unconsciously) afraid of crossing Queen Spider, hence all the conformity and eagerness to please?
It really stinks to find such apathy in response to such heart-felt efforts to connect with individual family members. That really is a terrible loss.
-Lisa