1. Stay away from assholes. That one is self explanatory. If someone makes you feel bad run. I know now if I get that creepy feeling inside of feeling like I am treated like I am "nothing" or being pushed aside, it's time to wake up. Avoid criticizers, mean people, and one's who try to nit pick you or put you down.
2. Find the nice people. Contrary to your narcissist's opinions, they are out there. There are people who will care, who will help you, who will treat you like a human being and who will love you. With Aspies, this may be harder due to social challenges, but there's people out there who have renounced ableism and do not see differences as something to reject people over. "Look for the helpers"--a la Fred Rogers, and look for the kind people.
3. Realize that you aren't at fault for everything that happened. In American culture we are told that we have chosen everything that has happened to us and control [often even via our own thoughts] the outcomes of our life. Some things we did or did not choose but many things we did not. Stop taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault.
4. Give up trying to impress or win people's favors. Once you feel like you need to PROVE to someone that you are "good enough". The game is already lost. You never will be. You could have an amazing art show, lost tons of weight, get advanced degrees, it's not going to happen. This is a trap. You want people in your life who assume a dignity and worth for all human beings, not ones who beat you over the head with their measuring sticks.
5. Learn to just "be", not do. Native and other cultures, were connected to the spirit of life, and didn't have to prove themselves via constant competition like American culture. Busyness is a curse in this society. Take time out to think, or even to just rest and meditate. Live in the "present" as much as is possible. This is where reading about mindfulness and such things can happen.
6. "Enough is a feast"--Buddhist proverb. In American society they have us run around, always trying to do and acquire more. I understand poverty can be horrible, but here, sometimes being able to be content with "enough" can help a life. It helps one focus too on more of what is important.
7. Develop your self esteem and kindness to yourself. This was one of my greatest challenges. Scapegoats can infuse the darkness of the soul murder, even if they escape. The scapegoaters taught self hatred and loathing, and a happy life cannot be found stuck in that pit. When people aren't loved and told they aren't good enough by their brainwashed families, undoing this, I know can be hard. It is possible to love yourself too. Don't give up even if you have a bad day.
8. Acceptance. I had my own battles of banging my head on the proverbial brick wall. What if I did this, Why did things turn out to be this way? One can ruminate until the cows come home but unless we all get "time-turners" like Hermione had in the Harry Potter movies, we are stuck. There's no changing what already happened. Follow the rule of changing what you can and knowing there are things we cannot change. So you are a scapegoat that lost the entire family? You didn't chose it. They did. The day I thought, "I don't have to run anymore like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to change everything" is a day I found more peace.
9. Do what you choose to do. Obey the law, treat others decently, etc, but this is your life, you can decide what to do with it. Going no contact, you have escaped the demands and expectations of others, who have tried to shove you into a narrow box. You don't have to worry about having your hobbies, interests or causes made fun of. You don't have to worry anymore about becoming someone else to be loved. This is a gift no contact gave me in spades. I could be my weird self and ENJOY it. I could enjoy the mind that my narcissists hated so much and I have. Ex-scapegoats can find freedom in this that expands their lives. Here one can ask themselves what do they really want in life. Ask yourself questions like "What do I want to do?"
10. Try to avoid mean Gods. Here while I had my deconversion and desconstruction, if you are a Christian, look to a loving God not one of cruelty, who replicates the cruel deeds of your narcissists. Try and analyze your religion, is it bringing happiness or is it bringing fear? How is it leading you to treat others? If you are an atheist, or agnostic, seek after the good in life that can be had.
11. Realize that you can become an ex-scapegoat if you are new to the process of no contact and learning about narcissism. One can get a life where all narcissistic abusers are removed. I got to the point while I still have some annoyances with paperwork and daily life, no one's abusing me. I don't have anyone nit picking me, or putting me down. I was able to stop the abuse that was the core of my life. You can too.
12. Explore the arts. Art kept me alive. It was a lifeline. It is still a major part of my life.
Do you have rules you want to add?
These are excellent rules and very helpful. I find #9 the hardest. I feel like I'm so hardwired to try to please people so as to avoid trouble or criticism or shunning or violence that I don't know what I want. I only know what other people want. I mean sometimes I know what I want, but often I can't think straight in the presence of other people or in the presence of the thought of their wants and needs. It's very hard to find yourself inside when you've spent a lifetime extinguishing it. But I mean to keep trying.
ReplyDeleteThanks anon. I understand with #9, that's one I came to later too, in breaking out of that people pleaser mode, and living in the fear of trouble or criticism or yes even violence. I relate to you when you say you can't think straight in the presence of others, totally understand. I noticed being like this helped more though in some strange ways. The people pleasing always put me behind the 8 ball. Some people would say oh it's selfish to be like #9 , but really it doesn't make for any good relationships at all. Yes it does help one find themselves so don't give up.
DeleteI agree these are excellent rules to live by after we stop contacting our abuser, particularly malignant narcissist parent.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. so dam true all of it. I was forced to detach from my family because of the violence from family members as an adult. A younger brother tried to kill me. None of my siblings were too concerned. A younger sister was in town when it happened, I called her still wanting to believe she cared about me and was an ally. I was in very bad physical shape and in complete shock/trauma. Her best friend wouldn't let me get through to her, claiming that she had sprained her ankle and was in the hospital. My sister did not call me for about a month.
ReplyDeleteI have not had contact with them for many years and for some reason sent three of my siblings cards receiving the most bizarre responses. Your article hit the nail on the head. The narcissistic family is pretty dam scary.
Welcome to the blog. Were you able to report the brother who tried to kill you to law enforcement? :o So sorry this happened to you. Looks like your siblings all circled the wagons and threw you under the bus. That's terrible the younger sister you thought was an ally too betrayed you. I am glad you are no contact.
ReplyDelete