Saturday, May 19, 2018

Pain and Falling Apart Bodies Suck

 Try two hours of cleaning sitting down every 10 minutes and then a week of recovery

The gym is going good. I like going. I can manage a few minutes on the stepper, but the lifting weights part isn't bad. I plan to go tomorrow. For me, the gym is like recreation.  I have days where my COPD lungs are total jerks to me, and I have to push a bit, but some are better then others. One thing I have learned from going to the gym, is my stamina has WIDE variations even day to day in the same variation. People there have left me alone in peace. My husband has taken me on non-housebound days and exercises too, though he is able to do more cardio.

I'm worried though, my sugars have gone up, and well my body is either fighting an infection off or has one, and that is deeply concerning. This week, yeast came to play, and I get thrush and the other gross one all at the same time. I took Diflucan, and couldn't stand my own smell even. I don't get periods anymore but my body seems to be having some hormonal thing where, I get greasy, and oily during the YEAST week. It is so disgusting.

My glands in my neck have been swollen for weeks if not months. I have told the doctor, something needs done about this. My fatigue is getting out of control and so is the pain. This is not from the gym, if anything I feel a bit better after being there, but in general. This latest doctor said he would approve of doing a referral to a rheumatologist. Hopefully this is done when I see him next week.

I am kind of afraid though, so much does not make sense with this body. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong. I have not felt the same since I had those cold and viruses since December. It ruined my diabetes. 160 is a good day now. That's sad. Here's my questions for the doctors:

1. Why are the glands in my neck always swollen?

2. Why am I always so tired? Chronic fatigue has grown into a serious problem.

3. I almost got a fifth cold/flu [in 4 months] just a few days ago but fought it off going to bed. I was even starting to sneeze and cough.

4. I have had these weird fevers on and off. I just feel hot, even if it's only 60 degrees outside.

5. Some days I do things. Like today I went to a church community meal and tomorrow will go to the UU fellowship and then to the gym. We spend about 45 minutes at the gym. I try to visit the gym twice a week but I know housebound stuff will affect this soon but I will do my best. However a lot of days when I do something, it's bed for the rest of the day.  Most people would be shocked at my odd lifestyle.

6. The pain is getting more out of control some days. The gym isn't affecting this, it's happening even when I've been gone for a while. It is this horrible dull ache in every muscle, and in the neck, and even sometimes the joints join in. I start limping, and it feels like every step wants to make me collapse. One day everything hurt from top to bottom. It am almost sure I have fibromylgia, but never had that one officially diagnosed. Lipedema adds it's own pain of course, but it's all joining together in a symphony of pain that seems to be playing far longer and more often.

For years, I learned to hide pain around people. Now I realize I am not able to. They can pick up on it. By the way it doesn't help you become a social butterfly. Inside I am hurting and thinking, "Leave me alone", or "This is really a smile not a grimace!". 

One day, both thigh muscles, acted like they were "going out", which when you need to lift a giant body off from a couch is kind of a scary thing. My husband thinks I pulled one. It may be time for pain killers though I am not thrilled about being treated like a criminal under Trump's rules. I just can't block it out anymore. I have two choices, live in bed all the time to lessen the pain and get fatter and weigh 1000lbs by next year, or get up and be in pain, and feel like shit, to do things. So far I have taken the feel like shit, do stuff and collapse into bed path.

I wish I could talk to a counselor and say, "Hi, I am going crazy, because supposedly all this shit is my fault, and I am supposed to be "losing weight" and the magic of Keto--which I can't afford is supposed to save me even though I am cooking cabbage and foods like green bean and beef curry, and trying to eat as many salads and nuture bowls as I can afford, and I've tried you see all these years, but all people have to do, is look at me and the majority blame me."

 Yesterday was a collapse day, where I just stayed in bed from all the pain. I don't even remember yesterday except I got up to do necessary medical things, but I slept most of the day. My sugars skyrocketed the day before, I am not sure why. I was adjusting all the food but none of it worked. Either my meter is broken or something weird is happening. The rest did bring the sugars down to the 160s for fasting. Yes I remember those glory days when it was the 110s or 120s.

I had gone to a poetry event that a friend drove us too the day before. It was the first time I left the county in a year. When you are poor, a 40 mile trip is a big deal. We were there around 2 hours so the whole trip took around 4. It's like just living is making me collapse. 

My health seems to be declining a new level, it is kind of scary. It's weird because I joined the gym and liked that part but some weird autoimmune or immune system thing is happening and I am a bit freaked out. I get tired of doctors not diagnosing things and the onus always being on me to try and figure out what is going on. I fear being told "Oh you are only getting old, and you've been so fat, so long, and well we all thought you'd be dead around 15 years ago anyway.".

Today I took two hours just to clean about half the kitchen and make some stuffed cabbage. It still needs more cleaning. I feel like I can't keep up all the time and am always overwhelmed. I am not so sure constant pain does wonders for one's mind.


  1. I'm really sorry to hear about your increasing pains and mysterious health issues. And I'm sorry how hard you have to work to do everything. It sounds really rough. Being in pain is obviously a physical burden but when I've had bad pain I've found it's such a huge mental burden as well, creating a lot of anxiety and depression and just general angst. And it's just hard to think clearly, whether from pain or from pain pills or both. Glad your finding some relief and pleasure at the gym. But your post is worrying and I hope your doctors find a way to help you.

  2. Thanks anon. I think something could be hormonally off too. I just hope I could get them to test what is wrong. I think my testosterone is sky high again, the facial hair is getting a bit much. Thanks regarding how I have to work to do everything, yeah it gets rough. Yeah the pain sucks, and mental burden of it sucks. Wish there was not so much social pressures, yesterday I didn't even bother to "fake smile" and it does affect your mind. Yeah the gym has gone good, I was there yesterday. I hope the doctors figure out what is going on too. Thanks