Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Keep Your Old Emails To Know Why You Walked II: Tossing the Scapegoat under the Bus

Read this one for context:

Keep Your Old Emails To Know Why You Walked 

The email I showed there came in a group email. I know at least 1-2 relatives read her reaming me out as displayed on that email. My brother also shared a private email with the entire family that I sent him. A cousin told me "Everyone read it, and he couldn't believe my brother forwarded it to the entire family". In some ways that is good, everyone will understand why I am gone.

She also told me that I was "totally disrespectful" to her, that was said in front of everyone. Now remember I am in my mid 40s at the time of this email exchange not a teenager and haven't been under her roof in over 25 years. All I said was "Rules for speech are a bit much". I broke the cardinal rule of not kissing narcissist butt in front of others.

 Of course no one defended me. One cousin said behind the scenes "Oh that took guts" but it meant nothing since he never defended me in front of anyone.

They all go running to kiss her butt. But that is what always happened. I know this email proved to me how the family saw me as "nothing".

Brother in same joint email:

Myself , "Girlfriends name" and the boys will be there for sure.  We should arrive
between 12 noon and 1pm (depending on traffic, stops, etc.) and all of us
are most definitely looking forward to it.  Personally I think if Mom wants
us to follow these rules it’s her choice but I for one will most likely
break them anyway seeing how that’s just the way I am :D  But if we, as
grown adults, can keep it to a minimal (which I’ll strive to do) and civil
I see no reason why we can’t bring up some issues that may resonate within
our own lives (owning a small business for example makes the whole tax and
“Fiscal Cliff” issues a big deal to me right now)  But either way let’s
just all have a great time seeing each other.  For me it’s been too long
(over 2 years) so I’m looking forward to seeing everyone.  See you there!!!


Sounds like a plan! Better have plenty of wrapping paper balls to throw
around though, just in case!!


Age another thing there better not be any conversation about!!!

I realized after going NC, that not one other family person had disagreed with my mother in person where they told her they disagreed with her or had an argument outside of my brother's ex wife, in 30 years.


  1. Growing up, I thought my mother was never wrong. But I grew up. When I see grown adults do this, it makes me sick. Its like they get this chance to throw you under the bus, and maybe that is why. As far as I'm concerned they need to grow up.

    1. It makes me sick. They never grew up, the matriarchs are always 100 percent right. Thanks Joan.

  2. That's interesting that it was part of a group email. That's why she was so busy performing, trying to act reasonable and only letting her b*tch out a little bit toward the end of the email. And these responses are so sad. Your brother sounds so scared. I think your mother focussed her anger on you because you were always a truthteller. That's something to be proud of.

    1. Yes and she yelled at me in front of everyone on the email. Remember I am already in my 40s

      I made the error of "disagreeing" with her

      "You should have read your last statement a few times before you spouted off to the whole family. You could have conveyed your feelings to me alone also. I would have respected that. You were wrong in sending this email to everyone and totally disrespectful to me no matter how shallow you think I am."

      I didn't call her shallow in the email, but that came from an earlier exchange.

      My brother was/is always scared of her. She's got him OWNED. Thanks regarding the truthtelling.

      One thing, they let this woman insult me for years, she'd say the most outrageous things to me and about me and either ignore it or go along with it.

  3. "You could have conveyed your feelings to me alone also. I would have respected that." I would translate that as: I want to keep your feelings a secret, while pretending it's a respect issue.

    "You were wrong in sending this email to everyone and totally disrespectful to me no matter how shallow you think I am." I think that translates as: I am to be worshipped and respected even though you see the truth about me.

    I think you are a really cool person and I think your mother can see your strength and your clear sightedness and that's why she's trying so hard to shut you down, you're the only one who doesn't just cave. I bet a lot of the relatives who are still cowering know that anything bad she says about you is only because you were strong enough to leave. And I'll bet a lot of them respect you for that - even though they're too chicken to say so or to follow your lead. But you never know who else might have escaped either now or who will later, when you go NC I think it gives people hope for a life outside the insanity. Your bravery in your blog and Lisette's and Joan's give me a lot of strength to continue in reality and not go back into the nuthouse.

  4. Thanks anon, she definitely wanted me to keep my feelings a secret. Think about other adults who will let someone else dictate to them even what to talk about it was crazy. She definitely wanted everyone's worship and respect. With my siblings she comes first, before anyone else even their partners and own children. Thanks for saying I am a cool person. I am the only one in her entire life who has never caved [even the other scapegoat ex wife of my brother was bought off and caved]. I do think a lot of them know yes I was strong enough to leave.

    Yes the one cousin let something slip there, saying he wouldn't have had the guts. So maybe there is some hidden respect she did not destroy. I hope I can show a way out for the younger generation, they have to know I am gone. I hope some are strong enough to leave and not be beaten down by narcissists and do so far younger. Thanks I am glad my blog has helped you, I know Lisette's and Joan's and Qs helped me a lot too.

  5. yes, q too - also his comments always crack me up

    1. me too. :) Got to keep sense of humor in this insane world.