Thursday, September 8, 2016

The ACON Lifelong Search for Community

"Or in your case and mine, we have that generalized feeling of not belonging of constantly second-guessing our connection to people and activities, which is most likely an expression of how our family never provided that feeling of belonging, and also of how our respective families seemed to exist almost in isolation in a way, in the sense that there was no solid social circle around it."

 A message board for ACONS was discussing this issue and I found it interesting that others said they felt they would never belong and were square pegs in the round hole. While American culture is getting more socially disconnected, the social disconnection ACONS feel can be an even stronger feeling because of not having families who accepted or loved us.

 ACONs especially scapegoats are denied the kinship ties and love, that I believe some of us can end up spending a life yearning for. Inside, I always have this feeling of "not belonging". Unlike some ACONs, I don't struggle with identity issues, my beliefs and knowing who I am are more firm, but there is this feeling of being floating out there, a "ghost" in one's own life, a feeling of never belonging and this inner desire for family and community, that while I've had small fleeting tastes of it, it seems so strong and beyond reality. It's like an ACON can get obsessed with "coming home" again. I've had dreams about my would be biological family where they were like me, and maybe even a few struggled with Lipedema complicating all this. We know the loss we had, in having families who scapegoated us and provided no love or connection. Some memories have come back and my feelings of being hated and rejected were so early.  I realized how very alone I was not connected to anyone for many many years.

What are the life-long influences of never feeling that early sense of belonging, and really never having a family?

No comments:

Post a Comment