Thursday, September 22, 2016

Trying to Get My Life in Order

I am working on trying to "fix" a few things though money is always a problem. I always wanted a dignified life.  Sometimes I think I would be okay if I had money to "get my crap together". This can be a constant battle. My recovery from narcissistic abuse would go a lot better with some money. As a Christian, I was convicted not to play Lotto, but now it feels like our only chance. We are too broke to buy a lot of Lotto tickets, but when my husband says lets buy one number, I don't feel as down on it as I used to. Seeing rich people with no imagination drives me nuts. If I ever had money, even the art projects could be enhanced.

It occurred to me that two dresses I sewed were both 15 years old. I also plan to repair a 17 year old skirt too this week. I found a dress I am going to take apart and resew as a pattern, but I need to go get some material and hoping I can afford it when I get my check. I also need to research how to make underwear.  If I can keep sewing, I may look good soon, I am working with scraps of a very old wardrobe.

How do I explain to my lymph therapist I don't want to wrap my feet because my carpets are dirty? She wants me to wrap around the feet. I don't live in a nice clean middle class apartment. My rugs are dirty in here.  I was going to get them cleaned this month by a steam cleaning company but then husband said, some of his pay was going to be lower. Things that need to be done are constantly moved back.

 I was too embarrassed to tell her why I don't want to wrap my feet. I hate having things on my feet too. I have not worn socks in 20 years. They don't make socks for women with size 13 feet and lipedema cankles. Even in the winter when I got outside in the 40s [I'm housebound in the lower 30s] I wear nothing on my feet.

I said, "I am too Aspie and hate having things on my feet' but she told I needed to do it to get rid of these lower bulges on the ankles. With one, she is getting me a farrow wrap. At least I will be spared wrapping one of the legs. I asked her, "Can I get a wrap for the left leg? I am sick of wrapping legs!"  She told me that leg is too far gone. There are times I feel like quitting wrapping. I know some Lipedema people who have. In my case, the punishment is too severe: too many infections. Fear fuels my wrapping compliance, but I get so sick of it honestly. I feel buried in bandages up to my nose.
My legs VISIBLY swell if I ignored them. Once I had to go to the bathroom while tied up in my Flexitouch, and ended the session midway through, and well, it gave me a funny leg bulge, where the fluid had not been pushed off yet. That part was growing massively before I got treatment and it's something that could have messed up my walking.  My body as a melting candle is so screwed. I told my husband, "You gotta get me back in the Flexitouch to even my leg back out!" It went down like usual. People can't even imagine.

We did join the food coop, this one gives us some meat. They may keep us from starvation. It is good I joined. The work was easy, all we have to do is box the food and sort it and I threw a box of salad dressing on my walker and separated it out. The people are friendly. A church on the poor side of town hosts it.

I still wish fresh vegetables and cheese were easier to come by. Food gets harder to afford. It scares me how much weight I keep on this body. I have involuntary food reduction all the time so what is exciting about voluntary food reduction to me?  I saved some small rolls for lunch and half a head of lettuce. I will cut up a green pepper and put some garbanzo beans on the lettuce for a salad.

I'm excited about my art class, and I'm going to a bible study tomorrow.  I have to do something about my growing social isolation. Even being Aspie, it is not healthy to spend every minute alone or us two Aspies [husband is not diagnosed but I believe has traits] alone with no one else to talk to. I know money stuff affected relationships. No money to go visit people. No money to do things for others. It drives me nuts. I am glad I found a few activities to go to.  These are free or near free activities. Finding stuff to do with no money can be hard but I do sometimes pull it off. One wants to have a life and to be able to do SOMETHING with it.

My social isolation during housebound months got pretty extreme. When it got hot the other day, I almost lost it. The weather seems to be turning more feral. Fall is not coming to my state. It's kind of scary. Someone told me it's supposed to drop 20 degrees next week. I hope so!


  1. Just check with the carpet company and see what kinds of options they offer -- maybe we can do that job in two or three parts. I need the info first before I can figure out how to raise the money. That's why I'm looking at Patreon, and things of that nature -- I've no desire to spend the rest of my life as I'm already doing right now. --Mr. Peep

    1. I think the best deal is 4 rooms for 100, once I tried to break it up but they said they would only come out for 65 bucks worth at a pop, and I figure if I'm paying out that much, they should do it all. Yeah we need to raise the money, I don't want them bugging my asthma this winter.

      It will be good if you can find some more decent work and have Patreon work out. Thank you Mr. Peep

  2. Good for you on fixing and making the clothes. One thing I learned about sewing, that it is a lesson in patience. I have several projects on the go right now, I think that is crazy, but someone told me that she has had several projects on the go for the past 10 years, so I don't feel so bad.

    Mostly I feel overwhelmed, but I found out that is classic for my condition. All we can do is the best that we can. I can still hear my mother screaming at me, to get things done. And I have other work related things too, everything needs attention. And the disability tax credit, I finally had to hand it over to a company that deals with that, they will take 30%, which I thought is worth it. Just for the peace of mind. All done, and I can focus on other things, that maybe I can get done. Yeah, right, lol.

    1. I probably will end up with several projects so don't feel bad. I have to get material for this one dress I want to do. The underwear feels overwhelming, I wear cotton shorts now, yes I am too fat for normal "underwear". The elastic on the legs binds me up and swells me up more.

      I get overwhelmed a lot too. I went to a food pantry yesterday and did errands and dishes piled up in here, its like a tsumani. I also went to the new bible study this morning. When I am out doing things, the apartment collapses, energy goes for one thing and away from another. Queen Spider's voice is in my head too at times, though fading hopefully with age. She would always scream "SLOB" not even realizing with my Aspergers and sensory problems how much harder things were, not that she would care. I have to do paper work for my new garment, and work on some other things. Yes I am sure you have a lot to do to. I feel like if I do one thing a lot of other things go to pot. I am collapsed into my bed now. :p

    2. I was thinking that maybe some nice stretchy material will help with the binding. I know its a challenge to sew it, but anything that stretches probably would be good. Not tight stretchy, but I mean it will allow more movement. I had a cotton pyjama once and it was not even comfortable. I like things that stretch.

      But that voice in our heads, yowza, always at the worst time. Very crippling. Mother used to laugh at me and call me, slow. Your slow, she said all the time. Your useless, she'd say. I'll be collapsed into bed very soon.

      One more thing, if I can't get things done, I just tell myself that tomorrow is another day.