I downloaded old emails and Facebook PM conversations to always remind me why I walked. I am strong in my NC now being three years in, 4 or 5 months in with the family but during the early days of wavering guilt, and other manipulations from flying monkeys, these old letters can help remind you why you are gone. When ever I felt weak, I just read this email. Any feelings of regret or remorse will vaporize reading one of these emails.
This letter helped me stay gone during those earlier wavering days when I was worried about "What am I doing?". She was far meaner then this email in person, so while this is one of the worse written ones, she usually held back in writing and I got far far worse verbally. Sadly I didn't want to admit to myself how much this woman absolutely hated me. This email will give you a flavor of Queen Spider's personality even beyond the card's I have shown.
She always spoke to me with UTTER HATRED. I find it funny later when I noticed she wrote Quests for guests, yeah they were quests all right, the quest for control. In this email, she had sent out an email telling the family we were not allowed to talk about certain topics at an upcoming family event in late Dec.
I told her she had contempt for me and that was switched around. She lied too to others about taking me to Mayo or offering money to get there. She went to Mall of America, I never had money for the thousands of miles to go to Rochester. With the family events, she held them at the coldest time of the year knowing I have respiratory issues and cannot travel at those times of year though I am okay in more mild weather. My doctors know I would end up in the hospital.
That was done on purpose and when I asked to have a family reunion in fall/middle Nov, I was turned down, so I went 10 years plus without seeing cousins etc. She made sure to have Aunt Scapegoat's funeral on one of the hottest days of the year 6 months after her death happened but I was not planning to go anyhow. Of course I knew nothing about her upbringing...she told me absolutely nothing, withholding to the max. [I left the typos and misspellings in the email as shown.]
HERE IS HER EMAIL********************
"You most definitely need counseling and help to get over your contempt of me. You were notified of each family event and for some reason it is my fault you were unable to attend. I don't recall ever telling you you had nothing to show for your life, but with your hearing loss I'm sure it could not have been mis-heard. If I did say it it was definitely not meant in the context that you took it. What exactly am I supposed to do for you. Years ago I offered to help you out with medical bills so you could go to the Mayo Clinic and get a handle of all your medical issues.
****** reminded me of that and the fact that you did nothing. I know the medical issues are real. Look at the things that both your brother and sister are dealing with. Your father, maybe he is the one you can blame, had numerous issues also as you most certainly know. Explain to me where the lack of love comes in. We gave you everything we could but yet you are looking for more. ..........
I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE YOU ARE A BAD PERSON! YET ANOTHER REASON FOR COUNSELING. Where that came from only the Lord knows.
When was it said that you are ruining the Christmas event. I merely stated that I was sorry I volunteered NOT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT BECAUSE OF THE WORK involved. Having 25 people in your home is not something that doesn't require work. You would know this, how?
[some lines where she throws some past help in my face]
Because I am there for the two of you I think a little respect would be nice. You are the one who has blown this totally out of proportion.
DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THE TOPICS DISCUSSED? I will most likely be in the kitchen or seeing to my quests to even get a chance to carry on indepth conversations. I guess I could just tell everyone, well there it is, help yourselves. Oh, and clean up afterwards and put everything away.
Yes, life has rewarded me with many riches but not because of lack of work on my part. You know nothing about my upbringing and the fact that we wore hand-me-downs and shoes with holes in the soles and I could go on and on. How about when as a junior and senior in high school I stayed home from school because my mother was sick or having another baby and someone needed to make meals and care for the younger ones. I took the Civil Service Test, I went to Washington as a 20 year old and I have worked hard for everything I have with your father by my side but not for long enough.
Quite honestly I'm totally fed up with this shit. YOU TOOK IT WAY CONTEXT. IT'S A FAMILY CHRISTMAS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I'M SICK OF IT ALL. I, FOR ONE THOUGH PLAN ON HAVING A GOOD TIME."