Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Hoovered by an Ex-Friend This Week


I got hoovered by this one ex-narc college friend last week.  When I woke up about the narcissistic abuse of my family, I woke up about the abuse of some other parties. I ended several previous "friendships". She was one who was a workaholic and choose her career over everything else. It was strange because we really had nothing in common anymore. Even value wise, she was opposite of me. This was a spiritual division too as well as a running from narcissist's division as well. I answered the phone by mistake.  I have Caller ID to screen calls but did not recognize the number right away.

What was interesting to me is I was not bound up in the usual ball of guilt, I just told her, it is best we both move on and I cannot trust her and got myself off the phone. She told me "But I miss you". She said some other weird stuff I won't go into here, but let me just say my worse suspicions are being shored up. Inside I thought, "You already had your chance, and second chance and third." 

Someone who will betray you around other people even strangers on Facebook, is someone you can never trust again.  Some relationships, they will treat you different one on one, instead of when other people are around. One red flag all ACONs should watch for, is if someone makes you feel devalued in front of other people run like hell! You probably have a narcissist on your hands.

 I realized she saw herself slumming with the likes of me. She comes out of an extremely wealthy family--her father is a multi-millionaire, and their connections have helped her in her career.  Just like my family, nepotism served them to great ends but it was interesting to notice who benefited and who did not.  Narcissists do not have bonds of love or true friendship with you. For years I would have told you I believed this person cared about me and I did her, while I was in the fog.

She betrayed me during some of the toughest times of my going no contact with my family and betrayed me over my adoption search. It is strange to me that she would find me so desperate that I would be go running back to her, it's been 18 months since I cut ties.

There's other immense trust issues as she became a flying monkey via proxy, seeming to defend my family who she only met once or twice when I was in college at every turn. I know the friendship died for this one reason to me, I went no contact with my narcissists and she has stayed in contact with a family she told me for years was abusive to her. I changed in ways she could never comprehend and in some of that change was ways I changed in what I would put up with. I also realized a lot of the vulnerability she showed me was completely feigned.

We met in college and were long distance for years. I actually had not seen her in person since 1993 and as time progressed I got a clue, she never was going to visit me even with the ability to do so, and I lacked the funds and health for the travel from my side.  There was one point where I said, we should see each other, it's been so long, "Come for a visit!" and she told me I should be able to Greyhound it for three days which I knew even one day was impossible. This reminded me of the time my brother told me, he would come visit if I sent him a thousand dollars. Normal people who do feel love and connection for one another, do want to see each other.  For some health, and money problems make travel impossible.  There are close internet friendships where people have never seen each other in person but this was a warning sign as well.

After I was away from my family, I realized how much she made me feel like THEY DID.

We talked on the phone several times a week for years, pouring out troubles and talking about life to each other. It is strange to me sometimes that I have such a new view of since I spent years talking about personal things with this ex-friend but there were red flags long ago. Sometimes she would call me 8 times in a day if she was upset or needed help with something. She seemed to think because I was disabled, I was supposed to serve as the "on call" counselor.

Now I can make the mistake of talking about too many problems to friends so I was very forgiving of this, but in the last few years, I was getting physically worn out and found myself sometimes ignoring the phone. As I got older and sicker, she seemed to minimize my health problems and would tell me she had horrific health problems but I always came to this point, "Well if you can still work, you're not that bad off."

She would complain and talk about her job. I felt weird because I hadn't worked in years and she was skyrocketing with promotion after promotion even though she told me on the phone everyday she was about to be fired. I could not relate to her work problems.  Her words and attitudes were of feigned vulnerability and bosses ready to strike her down while her actions and results were of a hard-bitten careerist and one who never failed to get a promotion or a dollar.

Looking back I find it strange she confided things in me but I did not know yet about the concept of narcissistic supply. I remember telling her there are more things to life then just work and jobs more then a few times. Today I seek to avoid workaholics, the type of life I have and what I value does not match theirs.  I do believe my family set me up to seek after cold success oriented people, after all success was everything to my family even though their worlds definitely did not mesh with a woman who has been disabled for 20 years.

I no longer wanted to take crumbs from people who really did not care about me. It did hurt a lot facing facts, that with my family, they never truly loved or cared about me. Facing this fact, took some years of processing. I still have asked "Why?"

I do see my family and the treatment I was trained to take, as the reason I was in this friendship I ended too. In other words, my mother and her co-narcissists set me up for a negative pseudo friendship where I was just worthy to be there, for someone who barely noticed my real existence. That's why I never got any visits. That's why the friendship was false, I was just the "Lazy Boy" in the corner as the above meme states. So when she called me, I felt that resignation. Discovering the truth about this friendship was very difficult. Sometimes I have asked myself, "How was I so blind?" You think even of the lost years spent on families who don't love or care about you but it can feel the same of false friends too.



10 comments:

  1. I have three narc female ex-friends who did not support my NC decisions and who did not accept my friend request on Facebook. One of them was my best friend in grade school. In 2002, I found her in Classmates.com and sent her an email. She told me that she was accustomed to my adopted name and it would take her time to get used to my current name, which is my original name. She responded to several of my emails and then started ignoring me. I sent her a letter informing her that I was upset with the way she treated me.

    Six years later, I opened my Facebook account and sent her a friend request. She rejected my friend request while both of her siblings accepted it. Her brother eventually unfriended me, but her sister is still friends with me. She is also aware of my situation with my ex-friend and believes her siblings would come around. She chose not to unfriend me because she has a mind of her own and she would not let others change her minds about me. My ex-friend knew my crush named Joe (not his real name) so she befriended him on Facebook. When I noticed that he is on her friend list in the light of her rejecting my friend request seven years later, I realized he is a narc and was glad I did not date or marry him.

    She also lost her jobs multiple times since she blew me off in 2002. Today, her LinkedIn page does not show her work history except for her current job as an adjunct professor and her volunteer work. She is hiding a majority of her work history. Years before she opened her Facebook account, she lost her job with a corporation she worked for in 2002. I wonder karma worked in her life for blowing me off. (continuded)

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    1. I have noticed narcs will defend narcs even if their relationship is minimal or they only saw met your narcs a few times. This false friend took up for my narcs every chance she got. They will not support NC decisions and will tell you to always bow before narcs.

      I've had some bad moments trying to reunite with old school mates too and one best friend from my elementary years. One became a wealthy lawyer, and while she befriended me on Facebook has not had much to say to me. Probably reunions where contact has been gone too long does not work. I do not agree with her being so down on leaving behind your adoptive name. Makes it seem she had no understanding. That is not right the other one befriending your crush and gloating. It is odd she rewrote her history but perhaps she fell out of the work world for a while or was gone having children. I wonder if karma worked too.

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  2. My second narc ex-friend met me at the same school as the first one I mention and know my old flame. She did not know my adopted narc mother, but she betrayed me when she "went steady" with my old flame in sixth grade. In middle school, we were not close friends, but she expressed interests in befriending me again. When I moved out-of-state in eighth grade, she gave me her address so we could be a pen pal. I did not send her letters or cards.

    Years later, I found her Facebook page and sent her my friend request the same day I sent her sibling one. Both of her siblings accepted my friend requests, but she did not. I was upset with her for not accepting my friend request, and then I noticed that our mutual friends unfriended me. Years later, her siblings unfriended me. Then I learned about covert narcissism when I believe this second friend has. She smeared against me for years that our mutual old friends and her siblings unfriended me. She is not friends with my old flame. I also noticed that she has fewer friends on her friend list than my first ex-friend.

    The third narc ex-friend was the one I met after I moved out of state during my middle school years. She knew my adopted mother because her mother worked with my adopted mother. I met that girl in my adopted mother's work potluck the week I moved into the new city. She displayed some project friend behavior when she set me up with her brother who has a disability and invited me to her birthday party. We never hung out during lunch breaks, after school or on weekends. I tried to ask her to spend time with my by doing something teenagers, and young adults usually do when they hang out with their friends. She made excuses like she was too busy or did not have time. One time, she tried to move me to another teen who has a disability or who was unpopular. I remember being offended. Then she graduated from high school, and I moved on with my life.

    Twenty years later, I found her online since her classmate opened a website that helped us old school mates find each other. I received that girl's email address and sent her a nice email hoping to reunite with her. She stung me with a very short email saying that she hope I will be open to reuniting with my narc adopted mother. I was angry informing her that I refuse to reunite with an abuser and that I want her not to give my adopted siblings a hard time when they contact her in the future. She did not respond to my email.

    Ten years later, her brother sent me his friend requests, which I accepted. Several years after her brother found me, she opened her account, and I sent her friend request. She rejected my friend request, but her other siblings accepted it. I was left with hard feelings and realized she had been a narc for years. She is also a licensed social worker and is currently a director of a local chapter of National Alliance Mental Illness. She has a face of a common project friend or a person who wants to use others as her charity cases.

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    1. When we are young and abused by narcs, we think people are our friends who really are not. I realized even Betsy, who was a friend of my sister and I thought a friend of mine and just a school chum was an enemy in the camp so to speak. I also realized I thought people were "friends" who really were not. It took me decades but I got some clues about the "busy" thing and I relate to when you talked about people trying to match make you with another disabled or more severely disabled person or one they see as an "outcast". This happened to me in my 30s even when one project friend and narc tried to match make me as a "new friend" for a very severely mentally ill woman who was in and out of the pysch wards. I am sorry that one school mate would not friend you and her siblings were willing, this tells me your adoptive mother smeared you to her. ONe thing scared me when I met my old school mates on Facebook, they told me how friendly my parents were, with a couple who shared abuse stories too, I told them what the real deal was behind the scenes, they told me this is probably why I was so quiet. I realized every one that takes up for narcs is someone that identifies with them and they will always chose narcs in the spirit over who they are claiming to be "friends" with.

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  3. When I read how your ex-friend said, "But I miss you", it made my skin crawl. It reminds me of how sometimes people who have treated you horribly, when you finally tell them you're done, they'll say, "but I miss you or "but I love you" as though everything you've already been through and said somehow becomes irrelevant because they say those words. OH YOU MISS ME? WELL THEN I'M STAYING, SO PLEASE GO ON TREATING ME LIKE CRAP.

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    1. It made my skin crawl hearing it. After all she dissed me to strangers on Facebook, she sure didn't miss me then. Never saw her come running to visit either the year I got really sick in 2013. I even got that line from Queen Spider, in fact I am so creeped out how she sent me emails, saying "I miss you" while ignoring very important points I was telling her, even in the emails before I told her I was done with her for good. It's the sociopathic make nice crap, they will stab someone in the back 15 times and then play "nice" games. Why should I hang around? To make nice and have more mean things written about me? She must think I am stupid. She's a betrayer and I strongly suspect a betrayer from the start. Thanks for your post.

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  4. Is this the college friend you've mentioned before who came out of a super-duper affluent family, who never helped you and your husband as you sank into worse and worse poverty? Someone like that has got to have connections. How come she didnt ask her Daddy Warbucks to help you and hubby out, even a few years ago?

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    1. Yes this one comes from an ultra rich family. She kept as many secrets as my mother did. I wasted many years on a "pseudo-friend". One thing I have learned is some of the very rich love to "slum". I think she got her jollies having a very poor friend she could revel in the sufferings of. She didn't even lift a pinky finger to help our circumstances. I even let go of my pride later on as things got worse and worse saying if you can do anything to help husband regain his career or get a stable government job, please do so. I know my family made great use of nepotism so it was always ironic who was allowed to benefit and who wasn't.

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  5. "But I miss you" means to miss having you on call to feel "superior" to, to miss you being a reliable punchline to a joke, a ready toy to keep on hand for a game of relationship "cat and mouse" when things get dull.

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    1. Even Queen Spider sent me fake cards saying "We miss you", so it means nothing to me as the Queen drove within a mile of my apartment to go visit the MiniMe for an entire week. Yes she "misses" having the poor disabled friend to feel superior to, as being the punch line to a joke, she can gossip to other well heeled strangers online about and to play games with. She is a master of feigning vulnerability and when I realized that was a big part of the game, I was horrified. Even on this last phone call she told me, "I am being fired" but I know it was a lie. Some miss just having people to screw around with and play games with too. The family "missed" their kicking post and she probably does too, but I am gone for good. Too bad it seems to take them forever to figure it out. I'm no longer a sucker.

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