Abstract Painting

Take the red outline away, I am not sure why the computer added that, there's my abstract painting. It's been a long time since I painted this way.

Hard Edged Acrylic Painting

I did my first abstract painting in years using some of these methods. I used Painters Tape. It works better then masking tape. When I get it done, I will post it.

More Religious Thoughts

I'm still in a weird spiritual spot, I am not an atheist at this point but a conflicted theist. My husband has asked me about attending more liberal churches, but I am not ready for all the social demands yet or committing to Sunday Services. I've gotten used to sleeping in on Sunday. One thing I will admit here, one of my Aspie "interests" aka besides art, has been "religion" for years. I almost think it would be healthier to table things for awhile. And go with the flow and figure myself out.

Most people I know are Christians, I live in a small religious town. I can't talk about a lot of my doubts. Being a fat Aspie, I am not thrilled about adding Apostate to the list. I've hung out on various places on line having deep philosophical and spiritual debates. In real life, I'd upset too many people outside of my husband and a few others.

Maybe UUs could handle my questions like Why did a perfect God make imperfect people He expects to be perfect? or Why would God even create people He knew one day would end up in hell? [maybe like me] I've read too much Carl Sagan and am reading a book called "The Varieties of Scientific Experiences". His points about religion and God make sense to me. See page 185 for discussion of religion and societal control. "Religions historically have made people contented with their lot".  

 I am full of contradictions lately and it's hard to explain what I am going through to people. The edge of nihilism and the edge of religious hope are all combating one another in my mind. It's even hard to explain to people.Some people will say God saved them from this storm or this car accident but then there was part of me that wondered, well what about the people who didn't get saved? Were they bad people? God rescued you that day from the speeding semi, but then not that other person? Fundamentalism can make for magical thinking and almost this idea, that you are God's chosen and He's looking out for you more then anyone else. This kind of added to my burden because I couldn't make sense of my own life.  Random Chance with a spinning roulette wheel seemed to apply far more then God making immediate decisions on multiple life issues.

 God never answered my prayers. Some can argue the healing and meditative quality of prayers, but that is where some of my religious doubts came in. God seemed to be staring down at me and just saying "No, No, No" like all the narcissists did to me. Some Christians online told me, "God answered my prayers!"  I felt like the kid who got a piece of coal in his Christmas stocking for a long time. I still consider God when I look at nature, and sunsets over the lake, so religious thought has not died out for me completely but I can't go down the God with a checklist, marking things off, "Today Peep's husband doesn't get the parking space" or "Today Peep will feel sick or she will feel better then usual".

I don't believe in miracles. Maybe with age, I became a cynic. Who knows?  Inside I always did feel guilty. Maybe someone like me needs to take up drinking to take the edge off but I am allergic to most alcoholic beverages. I have to reign myself in constantly. All these negative emotions swirling. At the coffee shop I felt like ripping this loudspeaker they had near the table we sat at blaring loud music that made me unable to hear anyone. They promised to "turn it down", I think they lied because it never went down one decibel. I never could be the "good holy woman" My personality chafed on the edge of my chosen religion for many years.

All these people told me to be positive. I used to feel the religious highs, thinking God would "deliver me" and after I went through this time of suffering there would be some "great meaning" in it. I could have these troubles, but I would make roses out of Kleenex and magic lemonade out of rotten lemons.  I wanted to be strong, and imagined life as a movie where a happy meaning came of it all or some violins playing. I had strange dreams about "changing" the world and being discovered as an artist. I'm not sure where this extreme idealism came from. Coping with just getting the dishes done, seemed far harder. My head was always too much in the clouds for my own good. My religious obsessions played into that.

Even with the narcissistic family,  I had strange religious thoughts. I never expected Queen Spider to budge or the top minions but maybe I had some hope that in walking away, for these last several years, that it would be a wake up call.  They would think maybe that weird fat cousin, had a few points or was right? I rescued myself from abuse, but it never brought resolution, I lost 45 people instead and even two fake "best friends" who took my family's side. How do you explain your emptied out life to people? God couldn't intervene with just one to bring me a little dignity, voice and resolution? The ex millionaire friend would gloat over my religious troubles. She was always talking about me and God my "invisible best friend". It's strange she saw "Him" as my best friend, when I couldn't even get a spiritual return phone call.

I pondered other strange stuff. I am really a liberal. It took me years to figure this out. but populism always called to my soul. I never want to oppress people. I think Universal Basic income is a great idea and imagine a society of progress. I love unions and have always been against the death penalty. The anti-intellectualism of Trump and his pals chafes. The 1950s weren't as great as some wanted to make it out to be. Running to the past and embracing it's oppressions sucks.

Worse of all I stopped being able to love a God that could fill hell up with a billion souls. It troubled me. Inside my heart recoiled. He welcomes me in to heaven, the bright white light and then I turn and will supposedly see all my Jewish, atheist, Buddhist friends and agnostic husband burning in the hot flames. It just wasn't working for me. Fundamentalism messes people up. Why did they pound into us night and day how many people were going to hell? It just feels like fear and control. It feels like the holy 1 percent cheering as the 99 percent are getting made into charcoal. I want to apologize to everyone where I brought out the fundamentalist talk.

It is so much to work through. Many people who enter into doubt regarding Christianity or who leave Christianity fundamentalism or who "deconvert" online confess how not receiving answers to prayers was part of their spiritual problem. I never saw God as a ATM machine, who would make me "rich" or a genie in the bottle, but if someone is going to have a relationship with the Lord, you need to hear back sometimes. God gave me this mind, and if it goes places He doesn't like, some of the responsibility lies with Him. The same goes for Carl Sagan.

Fat Mea Culpa

It always sucks to see a fat person do the mea culpa bit. Her commenters are jerks, screaming at her to go on a diet, and do all these things that obviously aren't working. I went back through her videos and don't agree with the eating videos, but it looks like she has been on the diet merry go around that fat people are so familiar with. She weighs out her carrots, wheat thins and tuna and salads and tons of boring tasteless diet food.

 I felt weird eating a bagel with cream cheese at the coffee shop at my monthly book club, I realized that's the first time I've ever bought food and eaten it there in more then two years of going to this book club. Usually I just get a plain coffee. Thin people all over order lattes, eat cookies and eat giant cheese or chocolate chip muffins at this place. One lady talked about doing a 2,000 mile bike ride who was at the club. How is that possible?

I feel sorry for this girl, she's so overweight very young. Beating herself up is not going to remove the weight or magically make her a thin person. Sadly this is a sign of what has been done to fat people where we are told we must apologize even for existing.

Being Assertive?

Yesterday I had a weird moment. I went to a movie at our local disability meeting place. The movies are good,, we watched a movie called Head of the Class, where a man with Tourette's became an award winning teacher. Sometimes I notice odd things.  The regular person was out so they had to set up the movie. I need closed captioning to watch a movie. My hearing is too poor even with the sound turned up. Of course, this was "new" to the people setting up the system. I told the person trying to set up the system, "Go to display settings, that is where closed captions are, I've had to do this multiple times on our cable system.". I asked nicely.

They ignored me. They kept working at it for 20 minutes. I said, "I know how to do it". I also felt on the spot because I was the "deaf" person necessitating the closed captions. I was ready to pound my fist on the table, but said, "Why aren't you listening to me? I can fix it!". Finally after 25 minutes of  trying to fix it, they finally relented and I got the closed captions up. The "display settings" had a direct closed caption box right on it. Sometimes this type of stuff annoys me. People think I am dumb or something from my outward appearance. Are they thinking, "That disabled woman would never know how to fix a computer/media system."

I am glad I spoke out because I would have had to leave if there was no closed captions on the movie. One thing is bugging me around here too, all the disabled people have left our disability group. Is anyone noticing? Did they notice this treatment and go poof? I'm trying to listen to my intuition. There's all these elderly women showing up who are all above 65 years old with no noticeable disabilities in the group. These are all upper middle class women too.  It's strange every time to do anything social here, even being this "old" myself everyone is 15-20 years older. I don't relate to wealthy elderly women. That seems to be the only people who live around here. Or else, people are staying home, because they don't feel listened to and they have given up. These types seem to just ignore you like you are invisible. Maybe that's why the disabled people are gone.

Compression

This has happened to me many times. Who wants rewrap again?  Soon I'm getting a Farrow way wrap for the right leg, it will ease some of the wrapping burden.

10 Times Carl Sagan Blew Our Minds

I loved Carl Sagan as a kid, I used to watch Cosmos constantly, it blew my mind when he talked about how many galaxies there were. Today they even explore the idea of their being multiple universes. We definitely have lost the drive for science and knoweldge in this country, science is distrusted. We need more people like Carl Sagan especially now.

A Good Point

"You can’t reconcile with people with whom there was never an attachment."

 This is a good point. I saw it online when I was discussing the ins and outs of abusive pasts with someone. Something to think about. How many therapists push for people to reconcile with those from their past, they never had true relationships with? For all the people I went no contact with, was I ever really attached, were we really close? The people you are close to and attached to, you can share your real self with, you are accepted and not judged. Something to think about when you are trying to learn what constitutes good relationships, and bad ones. One thing I fell into with the toxic friends, was they kept me at a distance. Always doors being shut in my face. The good people are open, you don't have to struggle and 'work so hard'.

Mirror in the Bathroom

The Most Lovable Thing About Each Meyers-Briggs Personality

The Most Lovable Thing About Each Meyers-Briggs Personality

"INFP
The honesty they bring to each encounter. The soft and calming presence of their minds. The virtues they can pull from any vices, and the artwork they can make from any pain. The fierceness they apply to their convictions. The way they live and die by their beliefs. Their ability to weave the chaos and the suffering of humanity into an intricate tapestry of understanding. The shame they alleviate through sharing their own."

I've tested INFP for years though oddly when I was a teen and in my 20s, I tested INFJ, I suppose being a teacher probably brought out the J instead of the P back then. Most people I get on with, have the NF part of their personality--we can explore the intuitive and feeling part of life, the "S"s are the practical people where there is no meeting of the minds with. T's always find me too intense and I find them too unfeeling. INFJ and INFP are supposed to be the 1 percent and 2 percent personalities of the Meyers Briggs world, there's not supposed to be that many of us, and INFP they seem to all be the "tortured artist types". It was weird I joined this INFP board on Facebook and noticed some had traits like me. It was kind of weird. 

Take a Personality Test

Is Trump Insane, Senile or Both?

Does Trump have Dementia? One thing I noticed was reading his Twitter accounts is that his vocabulary level is very low. He didn't use any advanced words. It was all short, fourth-grade reading level writing. Reagan definitely showed a few problems but with Trump it seems far more severe. Check out this guy's other videos showing Trump's confusion and word salad. Trump was called a "moron" by one of his ex-staff members, and some have discussed his levels of intelligence are nowhere near what they expected.

This goes beyond dementia from aging but perhaps delusions from a would be deep seated personality disorder. Some mental health professionals have come together and one has even written a book about Trump not being mentally well enough to hold the office of the Presidency.  

"THE DANGEROUS CASE OF DONALD TRUMP: 27 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Experts Assess a President

Bandy X. Lee, M.D., M.Div., Organizer of Yale's "Duty to Warn" Conference
Thomas Dunne Books
The consensus view of two dozen psychiatrists and psychologists that Trump is dangerously mentally ill and that he presents a clear and present danger to the nation and our own mental health.
This is not normal.
Since the start of Donald Trump’s presidential run, one question has quietly but urgently permeated the observations of concerned citizens: What is wrong with him? Constrained by the American Psychiatric Association’s “Goldwater rule,” which inhibits mental health professionals from diagnosing public figures they have not personally examined, many of those qualified to answer this question have shied away from discussing the issue at all. The public has thus been left to wonder whether he is mad, bad, or both.

In THE DANGEROUS CASE OF DONALD TRUMP, twenty-seven psychiatrists, psychologists, and other mental health experts argue that, in Mr. Trump’s case, their moral and civic “duty to warn” America supersedes professional neutrality. They then explore Trump’s symptoms and potentially relevant diagnoses to find a complex, if also dangerously mad, man.
Philip Zimbardo and Rosemary Sword, for instance, explain Trump’s impulsivity in terms of “unbridled and extreme present hedonism.” Craig Malkin writes on pathological narcissism and politics as a lethal mix. Gail Sheehy, on a lack of trust that exceeds paranoia. Lance Dodes, on sociopathy. Robert Jay Lifton, on the “malignant normality” that can set in everyday life if psychiatrists do not speak up.
His madness is catching, too. From the trauma people have experienced under the Trump administration to the cult-like characteristics of his followers, he has created unprecedented mental health consequences across our nation and beyond.
It’s not all in our heads. It’s in his."

Madhouse of the Universe

Friendships and Social Lives

Yeah it's scary, when you clear the decks, and realize almost your entire social life is via the Internet, though twice I have met Internet friends in real life, and it was great so Internet friends ARE  indeed real friends. If I connect to someone online, I will in person, so hopefully one day, I will win the Lotto or get some money to make visiting all my online friends possible. This is a trip I've wanted to take for some time. It would be great fun. These are people who love my weirdness. They do light me up.

I have these discussions with my husband where I tell him, we need to become less locally socially isolated. We do live in our own little cacoon. When you get older, you get too tired to run around like before. We enjoy each other's company a lot, so it's easier, just to hang out with each other and let the world do what it wants to do. We are a fortunate couple that became closer as we aged.  Last night we even got into an interesting conversation about Bob Marley and are reading a new book on him called "So Much Things to Say".  I tell him we should get some local friends outside of book club and other people I know, just people to eat a dinner out with once in a while but it's hard to always pull off. We have met some nice people while protesting at least. Some people would say that is how life is when you get old and hey you have someone to talk to at least!

We have faced some more recent losses. One thing with people in our life that happened to us, is some people here died or moved away. I just lost two people in town, one was a book club member,and a very sweet lady, she gave me one of the walkers that got stolen and another was the old head of my self-help group, a great guy who always had kindness and understanding for everyone. They both died too young and of cancer, and were under the age of 55. It's tough. We all hate losing people. Life is too fleeting and short. I think about all the people from my old town who passed away too. It's just been too many people. I will miss both of them.

I felt a loss over the ex-millionaire friend too, that has gotten to me. Her lack of feeling about the ending of the friendship, really bothered me. Thirty years down the drain, and she can't even show a little emotion beyond "bored social worker"? Even being told to go to hell, would have been easier then that. I don't understand people like this, I really don't. It's troubled me. I wish I didn't miss people who don't care about me, it is a waste of emotion and energy, but then I find myself thinking, "Why did it go that way?" Did she feel any connection to me at all? 

There's part of me that wish I kept quiet, and just went with the flow, and I wouldn't be out from a "friend" but then the disrespect was ripping me down inside.  ACON recovery says no more putting up with people who look down on me.

Being Aspie, relationships are hard. There's so many social rules I mess up. I have the tendency to blame myself when friendships or relationships go down the crapper. It's good, I was spared romantic heart-break, or any break-ups in this life. I am married to the first boyfriend. I sometimes go crazy inside thinking about how my financial problems have affected my relationships and had weird thoughts, like "Well if I had this amount of money or won the Lotto, I could have saved the relationships my mother was able to steal, just by overcoming my lack of being able to be there." A person can drive themselves crazy with this sort of thing. So I have to stop it. A person can only do what they can do.

Sometimes when I am out socializing I totally freeze up. My Aspergers has worsened as I age. Some people I do just fine with like meeting an Internet friend in real life and have fun, but often I am frozen or stuck in small talk and don't know what to say.  My Aspergers has worsened as I have aged in some ways, the deafness is taking an impact, I have to process so much to hear people, which includes lip reading and interpreting words through a fog of sensorineural deafness. The hearing aids help but they don't replace all hearing. It was great to find out both my art teachers at the art center have voices I can hear, but those are the kind of things that impact a life.

But something odd happened, I figured out my social struggles may not be so extreme outside the family issues compared to other people. In fact I may do better then I thought out there in the American landscape of social disconnection. Hearing other people's experiences on this issue have helped me gain perspective.

I was on this reddit board, and people were talking about "adulting" and friendship and saying, they just go to work, sleep and watch TV so maybe I don't live that different from the average person, except my "work" is staying alive, medical phone calls, pills and disabled person stuff. I can blow through 4-5 hours, easy just throwing away some papers, cooking a dinner with cut vegetables in it, which seems to be a necessity for any decent blood sugars, doing some dishes, resting between activities, and just getting through the day. I'm not bored ever.That says something doesn't it?

I have continued with book clubs and protesting as health as allowed, and enjoy all those. I used to think socially I was inept from being so fat, and Aspie, well that affects it but I joined this group that talks about "friendship" on Facebook and was in shock to see so many others facing the same struggles. Often fellow Aspie friends told me their struggles which were like mine, but this group told me these struggles are not rare.

 The group made me feel more sane and like my experience wasn't so extreme. Many of them had toxic friends too they had to get away from, or were very alone or found it hard to connect to people. It does get harder as you get older. I can't say I am lonely, because I have someone to talk to all day and lots of friends online but I noticed friendship had become very difficult for other women who were average weight, thin, healthy, and neurotypical. It kind of blew my mind. They had friendship break-ups or had moved to a new town, or found it very hard to make friends. Many were like me mourning friendships that broke up or where people died, or were toxic or where they got betrayed too. Many got ghosted or had that thing where people just disappear. Others had friends make negative comments about their appearance over weight or ended up as third wheels.

Maybe friendship is in trouble in the United States in general. The man who wrote Bowling Alone spoke of mere proximity being an important factor in friendship for many years but this has changed with transitory modern life. Many articles attest to a crisis in America in making friends especially for those who are older.

People today are also pushed to the wall. I and my husband don't work traditional jobs and we get 'busy' all the time. It seems unimaginable for people with families and commutes to deal with. I saw my doctor this morning which takes about an hour or so.  He has worked all night and after I write this, I am going to make us both lunch and then I have to wrap and clean a few things. Many are working so much there is no time to socialize. Domestic tasks take up a lot of time. I realized with me, the shortage of energy does affect me socially. I have grown more understanding realizing how busy people are now. Here we have to be careful realizing that people who are always "busy" are making us a low priority and it's best to move on and realizing on the other end people just to survive now are under the gun, they are either being worked like dogs, or unemployed with no money to do anything, or facing health problems. Light activities for me like book clubs, and art class and the rest have been good things to fit into my own life.

I made a would be friend here in an art class last year, and I really wanted to be friends with her, she was eccentric, and funny, and an independent thinker, but she got angry at me, when I told her I could not sign up for a summer art class, due to being housebound too much from heat. I called her once, and she never talked to me again, so the friendship died before it started. Those things will happen. You think see the potential and it fizzles out. Many talked about those type of moments too.

There's a lot of complexity to social lives, and friendships. I am changing from my ACON recovery, looking for certain qualities in friends and also not accepting what I once did.  The people I am hanging around more now are KIND. I don't want Judgers, fixers and the rest I wanted to escape.  I am trying to fix some of my errors, like laying on way too many problems on friends and being more immediately upfront about the health problems so I don't offend or lose people simply from my limited energy or the way I have to live. I also have become more laid back, realizing being disabled, there's only so much energy and "spoons" and I can only do what I can. Sometimes I think Facebook has turned lives and social lives into contests, and people get caught up in the "dancing or socializing as fast as I can" kind of scheme, and it brings a superficiality into relationships. I am glad I joined the Friendship page on Facebook, because it gave me a bigger perspective on life and that others have faced social troubles too not just supersized Aspies. 

Feelings

Puerto Rico

America is literally fraying at the edges. I hope some help is coming now for the Puerto Rican people. This is the worse time to have someone like Trump in charge. Many will be have to evacuate, in some of the photos it looks like the whole infrastructure has been destroyed. Living in a hurricane zone is very dangerous for anyone with health problems where one needs power for dialysis or a CPAP machine. I always wonder why no one has worked to invent affordable in house or apartment power generators, so our weather isn't so immediately life-threatening. Humanity needs this far more then video games and more screens. Texas is still dealing with the aftermath of Harvey and Florida with Maria.

One thing with gas, that struck me as incredibly dumb once even for my own American state, is the power went out, which means no pumps worked at the gas station. No one thought that one out very well. Food goes off fast after that initial day. I am worried for the people there and others that have been hit by severe hurricanes.

Things are getting scary in Puerto Rico

Bill Maher Makes Fun of Fat People

Bill Maher the elitist doesn't get it. They question why fat people can't get good clothes, because stupidity and prejudice outweighs profit when it comes to extreme hatred of fat people? Tim Gunn at least speaks out for some diversity. The chemical diet with low nutrition are many factors behind obesity, instead Maher shows the typical blame towards fat people.

The Mission UK Wasteland

Advice From a Good Mother

Mom's List of Don'ts

"To my daughter,

Don't apologize when someone else bumps into you.

Don't say "sorry to be such a pain." You're not a pain. You're a person with thoughts and feelings who deserves respect.

Don't make up reasons as to why you can't go out with a guy you don't wanna go out with. You don't owe anyone an explanation. A simple "no thanks" should be acceptable.

Don't overthink what you eat in front of people. If you're hungry, eat, and eat what you want. If you want pizza, don't get a salad just because other people are around. Order the damn pizza.

Don't keep your hair long to make someone else happy.

Don't wear a dress if you don't want to.

Don't stay home because you don't have anyone to go out with. Take yourself out. Have experiences by yourself and for yourself.

Don't hold back your tears. Crying means you're feeling something that needs to get out. It's not a weakness. It's being human.

Don't smile because someone told you to.

Don't be afraid to laugh at your own jokes.

Don't say "yes" to be polite. Say "no" because it's your life.

Don't hide your opinions. Speak up and speak loudly. You should be heard.

Don't apologize for being who you are. Be brave and bold and beautiful. Be unapologetically you."

Queen Spider told me the opposite of everything on this list. With the first one, she would drag me out of the way of strangers who were 10 feet away. Just grab me and push so they always had the right of way, this told me, that strangers meant far more to her then I did.  Many ACONs it was their destiny to spend their lives making excuses for their existence. This is a mother who cares about her daughter and wants her to be happy. Dresses are cool though, the same would apply for those who want you to wear jeans every minute and who demand you wear short hair when you do not want to.

Elder Goths

The reality of Elder Goths

Since I left fundamentalism, I've been listening to more music again. I realized I still dressed "goth" to an extent, people used to ask me why I dressed like it was 1890. Because it was cooler? LOL When I get a new dress, it will be black.

I was a fat goth

I see my MLD therapist this week

I am planning to talk to my MLD therapist about going into short term rehab. I would have to see if insurance would pay for it. When the therapists wrapped me, they got my legs very thin, I just manage to keep them from growing bigger. My body is getting more swollen and in pain. The Flexitouch helps but the litany of wrapping and swelling is wearing me out. She probably is going to tell me all my bandages have worn out, but I will be able to get them all replaced when I see her. A kind friend gave me some Tubigrip, she saved my ability to keep wrapping. All this stuff wears out. It is insane.

I have concerns about my mobility. I got my sugars in good control cooking like crazy, and having more food money for vegetables this week, under 120 daily for fasting, but weight loss obviously I am getting no where outside of taking a teeny bit off and working not to gain. My concerns about my mobility are growing, my legs hurt a lot, and it seems I am getting injuries a lot just from walking around normally.

I don't want to go into long term rehab or end up in a nursing home. One fact people don't know, is because of how insurance works for disabled people, this means losing your apartment, and becoming homeless. I just wonder if they can get my legs down really small in a rehab situation but then there's this issue, of how would I "keep" them that way, when I do the best I can now? It is complicated. Weight loss has gotten weird, as all my clothes are falling off the top of me, and don't fit right, but it's not showing up on the scale with the swollen lower body that grows and swells the more I do.  So I need new clothes too.

Taking Another Art Class

recent painting, sorry it's tilted. This painting actually looks better in life. I was doing some painting layers on it that succeeded. I may sell it but have to get a better picture of it. I may keep it too for an art show. One painting I recently donated to a charity auction.

I'm taking another art class. I plan to start two paintings today and we will have some free working time in class tomorrow.. One is a fall scene, and another of a giant flower. I may paint a political painting too, that has war protesters in it. Lately, I want to try and break out of the traditional subjects in painting and talked to my new art teachers about that. Years ago I would paint some weird and goth stuff but then I went more traditional.

One was a college art professor for thirty years, I am eager to see what he says about art. I did reveal my art past in this class during introductions of when I used to be an art teacher for such a short time. Some other older retired art teachers who had far longer careers got the same idea. One thing that troubles me, is I never have been able to break into the traditional art world. When I saw the "Members Show" at the local art center, I thought, "How did they manage to get in?" Some of my work I hope would be good enough to get in. I have always wanted to get into a regular art show but outside of school ones when young and my own several "Do it yourself" affairs, I have not managed it. Yes, the fees and framing and other financial concerns were a major barrier.