"We Can't Find Any Adoption Records"

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My Adoption Petition Will Be Mailed in Two Days

"We Can't Find Any Adoption Records."

This brought serious tears. I sent out the adoption petition and within 4 days of me mailing it, the court called and told me, "We looked for adoption records going back to 1956, we could not find any adoption records." Now remember the court would not tell me if there were any records or not, so I had to send the petition in to find out ANYTHING. The lady on the phone was nice. She had heard of Lipedema and said, "Maybe it came through the male line?". Well there was no sign of it there. I was greatly disappointed. 

I think it is sad, that the family never would answer my questions. No one would show me one early picture to end my wondering. I've never seen a picture of me prior to the 8 month old or so one.  My empty baby photo album compared to my brother and sister's full ones still stands in stark reminder. By an early age, I would ask, "Where are all my pictures?" and would cry and never get any response. I still think something is fishy, with my family, I believe the court did it's best but know now I will never get the answers I so desired. One friend says I should call "Exploited and Missing Children" to see if some funny business happened, but 46 years later, that is too much time. One therapist theorized, my mother had an affair or even my father could have but I was taken into the family.  Chances are I will never know and I have to accept that. While we may delve into the past to find out what happened, there is only a point you can take things.I can't beat my head on the wall wondering anymore. I hate feeling like she "wins" all the time. Missing out on important medical information is a blow too. Remember my thinking about wanting answers has been for my whole life. I never had the guts to go digging for anything before.

 Part of me is nauseous even thinking I could be biologically related to any of them. No one is diabetic. No one looks like me. My brother is the closest but all these thin people it simply makes no sense. One thing I will say, if she has early baby pictures or birth pictures in her possession or that aunt does who refused them, they are unworthy of me ever speaking to them again for that alone. Her refusing to answer sincere and polite questions upon my Lipedema diagnosis, is one of the worse things she ever did. Please don't tell me to ask any for DNA, the controlled minions never would sign up. I plan to never speak to any of them ever again. At this point I think my best emotional option is to move forward. A happier future rests in letting this stuff go. It was important for me to know and I tried my best but can't let it eat me alive. There is a great loss in not finding a birth family that looks like me and may act like human beings.

My Adoption Petition is Being Mailed in Two Days

[picture source, adoption.com]

See "Am I Adopted?"

My adoption petition to unseal records will be mailed in two days. I have the papers notarized and ready. I am sending the court a letter from a health professional with my Lipedema diagnosis and other medical papers. I just want answers. In this case I had to admit to the court I do not know for sure if I am adopted, but highly suspect it due to my health problems. No one in the family has Lipedema or Lymphedema. No one in the entire family is a diabetic either--even some of the more midsized ones. No one has PCOS. All these conditions have genetic components. I am sending the court a paper that has Lipedema marked as autosomal dominant. I am a severe Lipedemic, too, this is not just minor swelling. I need to even figure out if I have Dercums, there is one lipoma on my thinner leg that is hurting from time to time and seems to be growing larger. My petition is based on needing medical information.

I am currently in my forties and married. I now ask the court to allow me access to gain my records, including any identifying information on whether if my certificate was amended, details of any would-be adoption, any relevant medical data, and records of my birth family.

Sadly I was supposedly born in a non-open adoption state. I hope I finally get answers. It took me time to scrape together the fee for the unsealing petition. My husband says I should prepare myself for whatever answers I get. It shows you how pathetic my family is that I have to ask a court if I am adopted. They just lie to me. I know for sure they are hiding something big from me the way they have acted and my husband concurs. I talked to a therapist about this and she said, "Maybe someone had an affair." I know it could go either way. I could not afford a lawyer to help me with this. I had to use templates online and other websites, I may be checking some things today to make sure I got all my ducks in a row. The papers had to be notarized and I had that done.

Genetic

No one in my family has it. Of course I am working to find out about being a late discovery adoptee. My "mother's" legs are thin as twigs.

The Adoption Saga

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Read this article in context:

Am I Adopted?

Open adoption is the best. Sadly I was not born in an open adoption state. The one I live in now I could just call up the court and get whatever information I want since I am over 18. Sadly this is not where I was born, and I am stuck with a place where a court petition is required to unseal adoption records.

After some weeks, I figured out the right court, and place to call. No one will tell me even if I AM adopted or not and I have to pay 80 bucks, and fill out the forms. I talked to the senior court clerk yesterday who told me, they can't even tell me if my birth certificate is amended and I have to do the paperwork for the petition to unseal adoption records to find out if there are ANY adoption records. If I am not adopted whatsoever, I may be eligible to get a refund. This is what happens when you have a family that does nothing but keep secrets and the mistress of lies and withholding for a "mother".

At least I have a claim to have them opened with medical reasons being the top reason. There are still medical problems such as with my kidneys, the doctors have not figured out. Even with the Lipedema being so severe, I need answers.

It could go either way, I will find out I am not adopted, and will feel utter disgust or I will find out I am adopted and will go seeking more answers. Then there could be the decision of seeking DNA tests, but if you have relatives all owned and controlled by narcissists, that is a very difficult thing to obtain. I suppose you can tell which way I hope things turn out. I hope I am adopted and I can find more answers.  Of course if a parent cheated or something else more insidious happened, then I may hit yet another dead end.

It was always weird to be super-fat in the land of the skinny-minnies. There's a few fat mid-sized level relatives but no one who ever reached my size or state of poor health. In all my research of the severely obese on this blog, the majority always had some sort of family history of severe obesity. However in my family, the majority were extraordinarily thin even for average people. Imagine a fat Aspie in the land of skinny model types.

There is no way I share any DNA with size zero first cousins. I look at a friend I have who is 400lbs, and two sisters are near her weight and two other sisters are in the high 200s and 300s. Her cousins are large too as show in family photos. One can tell she came out of that family genetically. Her face looks like theirs. I always have felt this feeling of not belonging like I was an add on.

I won't forget that my mother even refused to answer when I confronted her with the lipedema diagnosis. You know you are dealing with one sick individual when you ask a basic question about your origins and they say nothing or play turn the tables. Two cousins were shocked to hear about her response. It made no sense.

 One friend is worried I will find out I am her biological daughter and about my emotional reaction. I'm ready for anything but I am praying for answers and the truth.

Random Thoughts on Life, MRIs, Ears, and Adoption

1. Back In Winter Prison, My Life Grinds to a Halt!

Can we fast forward to March? After Thanksgiving, the holidays are torture for those of us with no families or money. Not all of us have expendable income to blow on the whole mess. I checked out of it all years ago.  Christmas is a term that gives me a headache. It's more a solstice holiday, the Bible doesn't say Jesus was born on December 25. No, I'm not a Jehovah Witness but some of us have questioned this holiday. I wonder if some people just say "Forget it!" to lower their stress levels.

 I'm already housebound on November 13 and sadly missed a church dinner yesterday, but breathing comes before fun. Yes it makes me want to bang my head on a wall. How will I make it mentally through the next 5 months? I am not ready to be housebound again so soon. I do need rest though, I am exhausted. Right now I am in bed writing this blog, I do not want to get up. I ate a turkey sandwich on toast and a few blue corn chips for breakfast. I may make some vegetable soup this afternoon. I need to clean. I am begging my husband to do it. Why can't people hibernate when they want to? Imagine if I could go sleep and burn off the fat reserves like a big fat bear.

We had a summer where I got off scott-free, seriously it was the best summer of my life as it simply didn't get hot---Yeah! I only was housebound here and there, but this winter, I know that is not going to happen.  If I had money, I could go visit friends down south. Who invented that awful term, "polar vector"? Remember when the weather was something one didn't have to be afraid of all the time?

I like Thanksgiving, I either go to a friend's house or cook my own turkey and stuffing and do stuff with husband. This is one of my favorite meals and I eat turkey on off-days even.

2. Humans Aren't Shaped Like Pancakes To Fit in MRIs.

My MRI failed, I didn't fit. I am trying to find one that is built like a satellite in my region to see if I will fit and there won't be the lay down and can't breathe issues. Well I just called them, the closest one is 400 miles away. It may be too tight a fit anyhow. I laid flat enough with my lungs compressed feeling like I would die for enough minutes for them to see if I would fit, I didn't. They told me this is the biggest MRI they make. Will the stand up people let me stand side ways at least to get my head done? If there is one that just goes over my head and doesn't have to include my huge butt, then maybe I could accomplish this task.

Lippys with hugely protruding stomachs and giant world record breaking butts are shaped in the worse way for MRIs and laying flat. I am sure the pundits on Fat Logic will think I deserve to go die of cancer or ear tumors-[yes they want that outruled too] because I am so fat, I don't fit in normal MRIs.

3. My Poor Dying Ears: I Cry for You

My new ear doctor nods to the previous Meniere's diagnosis but wants ear tumors ruled out for my growing deafness. So now I need TWO MRIs if I can get them. The kidney doctor told me they would do another ultrasound to see if the kidney lesion is growing. They don't want to intubate me which is extremely dangerous for what could be only be a kidney cyst. My worries about my kidneys and ears are there though.

There is my hearing test from last week above. I am losing more hearing and the audiologist told me I have only 52% word recognition. Socially while I have some friends I can hear, it is sad to meet someone new, realize I can't hear a word they say and know it is never going to work out. There is one guy at my self-help group, I like the fellow but can't understand one word he says. I had an Aspie moment with a neighbor here, who talks to me in our foyer while getting my mail, and I never can hear one word she says even to "pretend" to hear and got too honest and said "I can't hear you!". I am in a book club with her and even have to strain when my hearing aid is in. For an Aspie, where communication is hard enough, this sucks. I am losing a lot and even wonder if I will go senile faster from the world being covered in cotton wool. Yesterday my husband was talking about TV shows or politics and I was only catching one or two words. He says I need to tell him but it would be "What? What? What?" over and over. My life is putting the puzzle pieces together.

4.  BabyBoomer Publishers Please Stop Trying to Brainwash Me. Global Warming is a Scam

I am tired of reading fiction books with political agendas infused into them. I am reading this book called Flight Behavior by Barbara Kingsolver for a library book club--it will be a toss of dice if it is warm enough for me to go.  The book is trying to brainwash me to believe in global warming, I don't.  Great now I get to horrify the book club again with non mainstream opinions.

The book has a wonderful plot full of butterflies, even if the housewife in it doesn't know how good she has it. However the preachy liberal stuff is making me want to vomit. The global warming disciples will tell me that our freezing weather is from global warming, I will roll my eyes. Google the terms Geo-Engineering and Medieval Warming Period. The climate has always "changed" too. How come the other side is never in our fiction? I'm a big believer in conservation and the environment, and have even volunteered in that area, but give me a break with the Agenda 21 garbage as the elites want to control all the world's resources. Those new spiral lightbulbs suck.

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5. Let me find my REAL family of fat deaf Lippy Aspies!

I am working on my adoption stuff more. Got in contact with the right office, got the paperwork to unseal records. Right now I am asking the big question "Was my birth certificate amended?". Getting my records unsealed will cost 80 bucks. I have to appeal to a court in the non-open adoption place I was born which is beyond annoying but at least the office staff I talked to today was friendly. Last month I taught myself how to do geneaology--well it's a start, to help in the adoption search. I hope I find some answers. Some people don't understand this drive to know one's origins. I want to know the truth whatever it is. It is sad, I do not have a mother, I can simply ask, "Are you my real mother?" Pathetic I know, and the rest of the closed-mouthed and secretive family makes me sick. Yes I do dream of finding a real family where the people actually look like me.  Anyhow at least one good thing has come of this, improvement of my research skills.

Am I Adopted? The Questions of My Origins

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What if you looked like no one in your family? or just partially like a few?

I ran this by a few friends, some online ones so they could be objective showing pictures of relatives. All said, I did not look like my family members.

I come from the land of skinny legs and even skinnier people. I am not talking average weight people either who may have a little belly or anything like that but ultra-thin folks who match model thinness.  There are a few overweight people but they never reached my extreme weight or health problems. They are healthy for larger people and can work. No one has anything resembling lymphedema. There were no thinner people with bigger legs and hips.  No one ever reached my extreme size.  One thing I figured out doing this blog is that there was serious genetic origins of weight and especially for the super-duper sized. In other words, every ultra obese person I encountered had some severe family history regarding obesity.

What if no one had your same personality or same intellectual interests? What if you were born into a family where your desire for the arts, book reading, and intellectual pursuits were decried? What if you were tested as having a higher IQ as a child and realized most of those around you were not just average but far below it? What if you were a sensitive Aspie among mostly Neanderthals? [some cousins, and their families exempted]

What if you realized you were shut out in endless subtle ways? My maternal grandmother left my photo off her family wall of pictures, leaving me off. One day I gave her a painted frame and wedding photo, it was still left off.  Every cousin, grandchild, and child was on this wall. What if you were uninvited from family events?--this in the days before you left the family church?

What if you felt rejected and like you were not a "fit" whatsoever, you were co complete and utterly different from all your relatives [even the few nice ones]? What if you noticed gifts being given by other relatives to siblings but not to you? What if you noticed some relatives not coming to your wedding or not inviting you to theirs, as if you really are not related to them? What if you felt that something simply didn't add up? One thing, people called me crazy for 17 years for knowing something was more wrong with me then just being fat and the already few discovered hormonal disorders. Same here, inside I know and feel like something is wrong even if I can't put my finger on it.

What if you got diagnosed [and it's a sure diagnosis] with a rare disorder [lipedema] which is genetic and autosomal dominant like Huntingtons? What if you join boards for support for this disorder, and they discuss how they know which side of the family it came from and how at least a few relatives were shaped like them and all of them know which and what relatives had it or what side of the family it came from?

What if you felt something was wrong from childhood? Where you remember crying that you were adopted and getting in trouble for it? Yes I know this can be a fantasy of abused children, but this lasted for me for years and years. My brother remembers me musing aloud constantly if I was adopted or if they had lied about where I had come from. He also remembers the time I came home from living with the Aunt that Loved me for some months, and not wanting to come home though I said I missed him. I didn't look like her and her children though they were all very kind.

I know it's odd to be this old wondering about my origins. These were things I was too scared to give voice or thought too before I went NC. The lipedema stuff really triggered this. I asked even a medical professional if Lipedema is genetic and they said YES. The severe obesity to the extreme made me wonder for YEARS, no one else was infertile either, but this one made me really wonder.

The fact of the matter is I felt completely alone in my family system to the point I always felt like I never belonged. Everything was about the narcs. I even find myself wondering if I was so medically neglected because they did fear some genetic disorder being found. What information was I denied? I paid a huge huge price for not having early medical intervention even from the PCOS alone! With lipedema, puberty brought it on, I gained 100lbs right when I hit puberty, and went from near normal to midsized which is where I sat until the giant weight gain hit.

One thing discussed on lipedema boards is how trauma will trigger a worsening of the condition and the year my second weight gain began, that was available in spades. One thing I considered is if I had gotten help, I never would have ended up at stage IV, and may have been a more manageable stage 1 or II, but with the narcissists no one was paying attention and no one cared. Much of the reason I had to go NC, was the medical neglect alone and protecting myself.

I almost made a fatal NC mistake,  the desire to know the truth about my origins, almost had me very stupidly take narc mother bait. I don't know what I was thinking to think that woman may admit anymore or admit the truth and it led me to almost make a huge mistake.  I've had to cut things off at the pass.

The constant hoovering I am facing is shocking me. I never expected it. I was so ostracized I thought my narc mother and sister would be glad I was gone, and would wash their hands of me for good, but it didn't happen.  Remember in my case, they were ignorers not engulfers. There seems to be an extreme desire to regain control, and "keeping track" of me that is extreme. I have to draw the boundaries tighter. They both despise me and avoided me as much as possible for years so why is keeping contact with me so utterly important?

I could be wrong and know there is the possibility I am biologically related too. Plenty of people had narcissistic egg and sperm donors who treated them like trash, but there are a lot of things not adding up in my mind too.

Late Discovery Adoptees