"Shirley [not her real name] is so needy I avoided her!"
I said to this person, "Who told you Shirley was needy?"
"I know who it was, it was the would be narcissist I walked away from. She put down that woman for years. Why do you believe everything that person tells you?. Everyone else was always a loser, a failure, a hoarder, needy, wrong and bad according to that person. They are STILL doing it to their favored targets from what I can tell too!"
"When this narcissist told me about Shirley I thought her husband had died 10 or 20 years ago, she was so offended by her outpourings of grief. She would tell me things like "She won't move on". I suppose human emotions offend the personality disordered. Well I looked up Shirley online, and found out her husband had died only 18 months before, before I heard these complaints. What kind of person disses another for having natural grief and losing a husband they had a home and two children with?"
Oh I was angry I laid it out. The person I talked to conceded that it was good to hear other viewpoints, but I was still bothered. They may read what I have written here. I don't care. There's nothing to lose. If Shirley is still getting it years later, so am I. Some of us need to stick up for the underdog. Why not me?
I wish I had added too, "What's wrong with being needy?" Some people do face loneliness. When people reject them it just adds to the cycle.
Many who never gone through this, all of this is unfathomable to them. I think even when non-ACONs, read this blog some may simply find it impossible to believe. Many people with normal loving families simply cannot conceive of family members treating others this way. Much of the slander is done under false "concern". Smakintosh is right that narcissists target people who are closest to them for destruction and yes it takes decades. While some narcissists physically abuse, often their language is enough, their words and even subtle body language. Yes the most heinous abuse is spiritual abuse where soul murder is their intent.
I saw a Dr. Phil yesterday where the man was totally controlled by his wife. He was dying of cancer but one could tell a foundation had been set where he was afraid and totally controlled by her to the point he had let all the relationships with his children be in danger. I had to admit I thought the man was very weak. His wimpiness was beyond cloying. Maybe he was afraid of her turning him into a toad, she looks like something that crawled out from the bottom of the house in the "Wizard of Oz."
One runs into these men who are the milquetoasts of the world going "Yes Dear", to the meanest wenches in the world. Often the children and adult children suffer as Dad becomes a weak enabler to all the evil the narcissistic mother wants to conduct. The man's blindness to his wife's manipulations and even outright theft from his adult children is disgusting but even my father called me a liar when I told him my mother had stolen my identity.
I don't get how men can act this way. How can the man on Dr. Phil diss several of his grown children for his cold and evil wife? He is a slave to her defending her in thrall just like the broken down husband who does everything his wife says in "People of the Lie". Hell awaits for him in his weakness and turning his wife into his "goddess".
I have met men who have been afraid to meet with friends or even take phone calls because their girlfriend or wife may "get mad". Some of these men act like their wives or girlfriend are going to give them a big spanking when they get home and are shivering in their boots. Ever go out to dinner with a friend and have the one in the crowd who has his girlfriend or wife call every 10-20 minutes? It can get crazy. Some of these women want total control but sadly men give it. [This of course can go the other way too with women manipulated by controlling narcs]
In some situations the woman wears the total pants in the family, she is the one with the money and good job, while the man may be unemployed or underemployed and beaten down. Of course there are the "users" out there but some are men allowing narcissistic women to play a "mother role" to them. They want mommy to take care of them and they let mommy "punish" them. It weirds me out to be frank. Some men escape when they realize their wife is a narc, they are strong enough to get out and even keep a relationship with their children but then there are the other kind.
My father was fellow narc, he would yell and scream, but when push came to shove, he allowed my mother to run the show. He never disagreed with her on anything important and while I remember stupid quibbling arguments, most of the time he was her mind slave. He made most of the money but let her spend all his money like water on her endless shopping. She controlled the money and put HIM on an allowance.
One never defended us from the other. He would always tell me, "Your mother is right". It bothers me more and more when I think about it. A strong man would have defended his daughter and said, "You are not going to abuse her anymore!" or later when I got sick, he would have told her to help me. It didn't happen. He always did everything she said, and she actually laid out his clothes and helped him to dress every morning like she was actually his mother instead of his wife.
My mother's present husband who she married about 8 years ago is totally in control by her. She yells at him and he does everything she says. His whole position is to please her at all costs while she makes endless demands. Honestly seeing a middle-class man give up his entire house, and every possession except some of his tools, clothes, walking stick and gun collection to move in with and marry my mother was odd. I was not invited to the wedding, my mother picked the coldest day of the year in January to make sure I would not be there. He even gave up his church and religion to join hers. She didn't have to give an inch except she gave him a room in the basement. The last visit I was at her house, she was shouting at him to unpack something and look for something that was lost. I found myself asking "Why does this guy who has a close knit family, grown children in town and who had good jobs put up with this stuff?"
Sometimes when young, it seemed to be the "meaner" girls getting boyfriends and married faster. It was like "nice girls" finish last. I suppose often the narcissist women go after men more aggressively, they are not shy or holding back.
Maybe these men are marrying or living with a replacement for their narcissistic mothers. They let the more vulnerable around them be destroyed. They help the narcissists and sociopaths gain more power over others. I believe men should be loyal protectors. These weak men either knowingly or unknowingly are enablers and helpmeets for the wicked. Some definitely were abused themselves, men are just as vulnerable to the outcomes of abusive childhoods and the manipulations of sociopaths, but I hope they wake up, and realize the harm they can bring to others being in thrall to a narcissistic wife or girlfriend.
They do take away our whole families. I am so happy Smakintosh made this video because it nails things for my own life. We all ask ourselves, how did these narcissists manage to take our whole families away? Why does the whole family enable them? Why do our ENTIRE family and friends of family even reject us? Why are our email and letters ignored? Why do they all speak to us as if the malignant narcissist is sitting right over their shoulder? Why do they all treat us like we are nothing? Because the narcissists have trained them to. Why is there no understanding or empathy for our positions? How do these narcissists get so much power to take our families away from us? I am glad God's Word addresses these issues in warning us about how this happens. These are warnings that can help us deal with the reality of these outcomes. I definitely am one that has been "sitteth solitary" in a family according to Psalm 68:6.
I had to face facts too not only with my mother being a sociopath, but also face the fact that my entire extended family does not like me and are controlled by my mother and other narcissists within the family. This may be a strange thing to say, but it is the truth. I have told myself, "They do not like you." and now I have given up. Finally I am dealing with my real feelings regarding them.
We are not going to be feel positive feelings towards those who treat us badly and who refuse to see us as human beings. They see the "image" the malignant narc has presented to them. I have to admit, outside the unformed younger members, I see them as weak people and those who do not care, and who are closed down inside. What is there for me to like or be attracted to anymore? Some I did love and care about but I have to admit I was horrifyingly disappointed about what some became under the evil influences within the family. I had the thought the other day maybe it is good that people like this do not like me. I aspire to different things in life. What I stand for is completely in opposition to them.
My family is a cult with my mother as the cult leader. She is never questioned. No one disagrees with her. So when she decided I was the "throw-away" and the "nothing", they all got on board without nary a protest. My narcissistic grandmother had cult leader status. I will be writing about her next. I watched people fall over her too to praise her, while others were ignored. Is it normal for modern day American families to be run with old school matriarchs that expect to be bowed to and obeyed? To be frank, people like this in some ways never grow up. I see some family members as eternal children wanting to keep "Mommy" pleased who never cut the apron strings. Even if I am broke and low on life skills, the maturity level of someone who starts living for God will always be higher then those who seek to please a malignant narcissists.
Sometimes I ask myself, "What took me so long to "get it"? Everyone wants a loving family. I have friends who see their families every week, and where they are a part of their life. Everyone wants kinfolk. This can be one of the most painful things during the life of a scapegoat ACON. The kinfolk that should there, simply are not. The malignant narcissist turns them against you. There are some I did care about and love, but what comes of love in a wicked system? It is destroyed. I hated who they tried to make me and tried to make me become around them. This was one important reason to break away.
I begged for crumbs from them for far too many years and allowed myself to be hurt again and again, and those days are over, this will be for my betterment. I know in my case, it was a miracle I did not end up like Aunt Scapegoat, I got away, and did not sit there and rot next to them but went to go find new communities and people who did affirm me instead of actively rejecting me to please an evil narcissist. While I lost some of my communities, and have suffered losses of dear friends due to death, I have found people who love and care about me. I have to face facts my family are not among their number. I'm not wasting any more years trying to find love, kindness, acceptance and sharing among people who have none for me.
These narcissists really do turn entire lists of people against scapegoats and ACONs. They can even destroy relationships between children and people if they have enough contact with them. A Narcissistic grandmother doesn't care about destroying the relationship between a scapegoat and their daughter or son. Family friends, ex-spouses, step-fathers and mothers, add them to the list too as the people who will listen to the lies of the scapegoat. Smakintosh is absolutely correct to point out that these narcissists set up things where the entire family system sees you [the scapegoat] only through their lens. This was a major problem for me as I realized none saw me for who I was. There were times I spoke to some where the brainwashing was so extreme, it scared me.
Smakintosh is correct that then us ACONs have to face the horrifying reality that there isn't one ally among our family. We do not have one person to stand by us or even who accept us or see us as a good person. He is right that the immediate and even extended family walk lockstep with the abuser. Here I think of the Bible verse in Revelation where it speaks of the world turning towards evil:
Revelation 17:3 "These have one mind, and shall give their power and strength unto the beast."
With the "beast" as my mother in this scenario, they all have ONE MIND. They did give her power and strength. They don't think for themselves. It boggles my mind asking how things turned out this way where one didn't break from the hive, so this video has helped me quite a bit in explaining the "whys" of it all. They do become "enablers" and "foot soldiers" for the malignant narcissists. One thing I encountered and I did try to reach out to my family is not one would separate from the hive. All spoke to me even ones living thousands of miles away like my mother was standing over their shoulder. Not one stray word could be said, where she may find out, and they would be punished. Watching adults act this way was disgusting.
There are very very dark spiritual realities when a malignant narcissist or sociopath is running a family, they become in thrall to her. Satan is overjoyed when one of his servants destroy people within families. He knows these are the painful things that can lead people to total spiritual and even physical destruction. I see Aunt Scapegoat as destroyed while I cried out to God to be rescued. God is working on rescuing me now.
I am forgotten about next to her, and invisible.I am having to face facts, when I made my decision to go NC with the entire family [outside the email contact with a niece and possible future contact with two nephews]. Even there my hopes are limited as I know the narcissists will work on them too. I couldn't allow myself to be hurt anymore and I was hurt quite a bit, trying to reach out to these family members with multiple doors slammed in my face. He is right to mention there is no love or empathy or support to come from a single cousin, aunt, uncle or sibling. We all believe family cares for us, but we find out the truth instead. In my case, I could not get close to them and blamed myself, but now I am seeing the bigger picture.
God has let us know these evil individuals infect entire families. I even ponder the spiritual realities about me being written in the book of Life as a born again Christian, and how this made me her "my enemy" right from the start. She knew I sought after goodness even for all my faults, while she chose evil and to shut down her conscience and this is what turned her against me, perhaps even from the get-go. There is a reason I got slapped as a child for being "too sensitive" and told to harden up. They wanted me to become them. My treatment in my case worsened after I became a Christian.
Smakintosh puts the important information in his video that we are not alone and there are others who have suffered this too. Praise God for warning us in scripture about this happening to people. This can give us the spiritual fact, that we are not at fault, and these people are operating outside of God's Will and seeking after evil. They are disorderly and do not care about following protocols, they do love confusion and muddying the thinking of others. They are vain and empty and self deceivers and deceivers of others. My mother has deceived my entire family. They tell lies and do subvert whole families. My whole family has been subverted. My family sees my mother as their foundation, the one who they measure everything by not God. They worry most about pleasing her. My mother has undermined the morals and character of almost the entire household. I think about how things I value so much, are not valued in my family. Everything is about looks, money, measuring up in the established system and pleasing sickening narcissists. When my father was alive he took things the same direction. She has manipulated perceptions, imaginations and feelings.
I am thankful for this video and it's spiritual warnings and reminders. The Bible has indeed warned us about these depraved individuals. I will turn to God to comfort and do thank Him, that I was not subverted as well. I was able to escape and have my mind be free.
Do you realize mothers like this ruin their children's relationships.
You were scared to get close to me
because you knew it'd make her angry
she was to always come first
for visits and everything else.
she even told **** this year not to visit me.
[last year]
stuff like that happened all the time.
It is not normal ****, do you at least admit that?
I tried asking you what the real deal was? Like why treat me that way? You would want to know wouldn't you
She rejected me for weight for my whole life
People can let go of old stuff but not when there is plenty of new. Also you did not have my life. I was left to almost die in the ghetto, and when they did stuff like ignore me when I was sick, it reminded me of that
You were cared and protected and she treats you with respect. I am too old to take the disrespect.
MY SISTER:
I don't care what she would find out. You just have to ignore little things. His travel finances werenot good at the time is my guess I don't know to defend this. I don't travel.
***************************************
"You just have to ignore the little things"
I was thinking about this today, how we try and try to fix relationships that are beyond repair. I was pondering the other day, why I scrapped and bowed for their crumbs and how sad it all was. I struggle with the feelings that I did not stand up for myself enough. I suppose all ACONs do when it's all said and done, even if we manage to get out of the fog and go NC.
I know one thing that rescues all of us is finding those who do love and respect us in our lives. Their kindness stands out in stark opposition to the above. These people are Life Savers in the Narcissistic ocean. One ponders some of the crazy statements putting the pieces of the puzzle together. We want people who value us in our lives not chasing after those who never did.
