Sunday, September 24, 2023

Shame and Narcissists or Everything You Do is Wrong to Them Anyway

 




My friend Lise, wrote this article, and it's a good one.

How Shame is the Core Struggle of Most Narcissists. How It Gets Dumped Onto You, and How They Try to Harvest Regrets and Shame From You. Does it Work For Them?

Ah shame, narcissists love to dish it out in spades. My mother is severe, she didn't feel feelings of shame, like lesser narcissists, she considered herself perfect and everyone else inferior. This was true for my sister and other relatives. She shamed me constantly. "YOU ARE" as Lise states definitely is used by narcissists over and over.

In my case it was:

YOU ARE TOO FAT
YOU ARE TOO WEIRD
YOU ARE TOO SENSITIVE
YOU ARE TOO UGLY
YOU ARE TOO SMART FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
YOU ARE TOO SMELLY
YOU ARE TOO LAZY
and so forth and so on.


This meme sums it up for me. I made the choice to heal the self. Covid was a giant blow, but many things have changed for me. 

I don't have guilt that some people suffer who go no contact. Usually when the feelings of "OMG I ditched my whole family!" used to rise up, I would think, "Well I did us both a favor, they couldn't stand me and I could not stand them. I never could be what they wanted anyway."  I took too long to finally turn my eye on her and judge my mother in the same way. What made her so perfect? She wasn't. She dressed too masculine in my opinion. She lacked love, creativity, integrity, honesty and even core values I thought were important. She was a system-believer, that worshipped wealth and power--one of the worse offenses to me personally. She defended the Patriot Act to me once which offended my political beliefs. To go no contact, I asked myself, "What made her the icon of perfection?" She wasn't.  She definitely had the superiority complex going in spades. Sadly a lifetime of being told one is "not enough", this gets internalized, your whole life is going around making way for other people instead of yourself. 

"The other reason they do this is that narcissists have a superiority complex, and many of them, when the manipulations of coercing people to change for them, they can actually start to believe they are better than everyone else when everyone works so hard for them to fit into their idealized visions, and where they don't have to work hard at all in their relationships. It goes to their head, in other words, and they think it is okay to take it to the point where your thoughts are their thoughts, your feelings are their feelings, your interests are their interests - to the point where they feel it is absolutely necessary to teach others constantly how to behave too - to be as "perfect" as they try to convince you that they are.

It was weird to realize after I was gone how my mother controlled the whole family via shame. Lise mentions the less severe narcissists who live according to the edicts of shame, and I've seen that behavior too. They always look and sniff out "wrongdoings". They never relax. They seek out constant offenses. Even the rich ones in my family seemed miserable beyond belief.  As Lise writes above, the malignant narcissists do start to believe they are better than everyone else, and they set up things so everyone works hard to please them. I noticed as my mother aged [I left when she was in her mid to late 60s] her power in the family grew. For many of these narcissists, who gain this power, I think they worsen as they age. They have been kowtowed for so long the cult family has created a monster.

Then there's the fact that even if you scurry around pleasing them, all they do is raise the bar. Lise mentions the ones who start trying to control your facial expressions. I had my emotions addressed and many of my abusers got more and more nit-picky. They'll make stuff up to claim perfection anyhow.

In my case, some narcissists would yell at me for autistic affections and for not smiling enough. It got weird. They always raise the hoops for you to jump through like a circus dog, and lift it a couple feet higher if you made it through one. A lot of religion operates via shame, do this and that, be giving, and the constant search for "wrong", "sin" and the demand for tithes got hard on me. Even liberal churches with dogmatic demands can raise the hoops. I remember when one could be accepted as a liberal just for honoring differences between people and wanting everyone to have an equal chance, but even there the hoops got raised and things got crazy. 

I had weird thoughts even during some of those last phone conversations with my cousins. How no one seemed to enjoy life, and it was all about "measuring up" for endless goal posts. Even emotionally they all seemed blunted. This was more noticeable as time passed too. Its a strange thought I had but it makes sense. If you live long enough in the shame based cult where's the fun or the spontaneity. They truly saw her as perfection and it's almost like she was a god/goddess to them where everything was to be judged by her pleasure or approval. It creeped me out. 

Lise talks about the period of figuring out who you are, after you go no contact. A process especially for those long into no contact, is no longer bending and twisting yourself to serve narcissistic demands.

And many scapegoats can struggle with an identity too. The disparaging "You are -" statements don't ring true to most scapegoats (they are often the first child to notice the coldness, the lack of empathy in their parent), but scapegoats also get so used to the "You are -" statements that they stop defending themselves to anyone who uses them, and life can become like Chauncy Gardner's in the novel by Jerzy Kosinski, "Being There" (link takes you to the movie version). You are an echoist, letting everyone you meet describe you, whether good, bad or indifferent. And you don't try correcting them - and that can, and does attract, other kinds of narcissists, and even psychopaths. 

This definitely applied to me.  I always had a core strong identity inside, something sadly borderlines are said to lack from abuse, but it was suppressed. I let others describe and define me. Sadly I also didn't ask if they were right, but if I was right all the time. This definitely brought out the Project Friends, Abusive Religionists, and other toxics. 

One sees this in abused people, there's always this DEFERENCE, I had it in spades, where they step aside for other people. I was better off in that some strongly held values were impenetrable, and this often ended relationships in my life even early on but any boundaries keeping was very foreign. I would defend myself but got shouted down so often, sadly I became repressed and suppressed. To change all this, I often had to do things on an intellectual basis, putting aside emotion and what came "naturally."

 This process for me vaporized a lot of friendships as I have written about years ago. Many of these toxic friends were always telling me I was not enough. I still remember the friend I had around 8-9 years ago. She was constantly shaming me over housework just like my mother. I even once asked her, "I don't think I can get it clean, I try, it's hard, could you help me?" She refused. That's one thing they will shame you for things but trust me they have no interest in actually providing solutions, support or ideas in fixing problems. They want to just use your faults to play king and queen of the mountain. Today, I'd hand a person like that a broom and say, "Help or get out. Otherwise I don't want to hear it."

I started asking what I wanted out of life after no contact and it was a process to get rid of people out of my life who operated from the stance of constantly shaming me. The slate cleaning process was difficult and very hard.  I believe it even impacted my religious deconversions and changes. One's own values become more important than trying to assent or match the values of others.  I realized I did really view society quite differently from my family and what I considered important. The values of being an artist that they tried to stomp out, were important. 

I remember when I first went no contact 10 years ago, thinking "Now it is time to Quit! You are never going to be what these people want you to be" There was nothing left in the game for me. Many ACONS probably reach this point realizing they are in a losing game, but sadly many are captured for life not wanting to bear "not having a family."

Imperviousness was a word I thought of in trying to escape the "people pleasing" twists and escape the results of the constant shaming. I needed to become impervious. I had to stop being so weak and letting others define me and tell me what to do. My disabilities including autism  and severe obesity from Lipedema made this more of a danger.

Lise wrote this

"Instead, they infantilize you and punish you to teach you a lesson, as though you are a naughty child, rather than an adult. It doesn't work."

and

" Infantilizing you becomes the terrible and extremely unhealthy go-to tactic and rut they put you and others through time and time again. Most of them don't know how to do anything else because it is the personality disorder at work: they feel they must always go for superiority, and what better way to do it than to insist that you act like an inept child who doesn't know how to behave. "


It scared me even as I got deep into my 40s, I was still treated like a child by my family. I blamed this on money, I was poor, and didn't achieve the money or status of an adult, but it went deeper.  I had thoughts about that one woman on My 600lb life I saw years ago. I hope she's escaped her family. They all hated her, they all treated her like a child. That was my life among my family. It has occurred to me, if I never did leave my family, I probably wouldn't be alive today. My fight to even get my Lipedema diagnosis was rooted in self-belief and value. 

You know this many years in, I still grieve having no family at times, but I have no regrets that I escaped. Mine were squashing me into nothing even putting my physical life at risk with all the stress and lack of empathy. The shame though, well how do I explain this but a life of self value is far happier even with challenges and difficulties. You get away from these people who do nothing but shame you, and well life is easier WITHOUT THEM in it. I even thought during times our money dipped and we are in one of those times now, I don't have to worry about one of those jerks being around to shame me for it! That comes as relief!

 A hoovering attempt of a few months ago, was so nuts so crazy, I can't get into details here,  it was like reliving something that happened to me as a child, where she wanted to destroy an accomplishment, and ruin me in the face of others. It was the same thing like Ground Hog Day. I avoided her, but she attempted something that matched Reading Award Day at school when I was 10 years old.  It was so insane, she's losing her touch, maybe having some old age senility kick in, because even other people said, "This is not normal!" It centered around shame. That's all she ever did was shame me in front of others and say "She's not enough". It told me she doesn't even see me as a human in my own right just an object to destroy. The more years you are away, the crazier they will appear. My no contact stayed intact. 

Years ago, I made the decision, that I wasn't going to let people "correct" me anymore. If I was actually mean like I told them off in a fight or did anything "wrong" they confronted me with, I would analyze that and apologize for actual wrong-doings. However I wasn't going to let other adults talk to me as a child, and tell me what to do, what to say, what to think and how to live. I thought I'm an old woman now, there's people my age who are grandmothers, part of growing up too was no longer letting myself be put in the "child" role. I forget where I read it, but I read about the child, parent, adult transactional analysis online somewhere and thought this needs to change. Disabled people are often infantalized and it was happening to me too often. 

The autism group broke this boundary. They tried to silence me.  Even when I left the autism group, I thought, there was some narcissism happening. We were forced into ideologies I didn't agree with either.  I was being minimized, dismissed and silenced. This was an error in leadership. Why stick around for more ill treatment? I never did go back. I don't blame my fellow autistics. A lot of institutions have been captured. 

Relationships based in shame, are failed and not really relationships. I never really had a mother in any meaningful way and as I got older and deeper into my no contact, I realized the depth of the rejection and how everything was rooted in shame. My mother in the over 40 years I spent with her, never once complimented me. I couldn't remember one "special moment" or loving moment, where I was hugged. It was all about "shaming" me and putting me down. Endless criticism, endless shame. It was so extreme.  As a child, sadly we believe what our parents have to say about us. Us lucky ones get out and define ourselves outside of their scope. Those of us who heal do find positive people who treat us like human beings, and close out the abusers. 

Some years ago I even went through a process, where I told myself, "Now is time to do what you want to do, and make your own decisions." One way I avoid narcissists now, is I avoid the constantly critical and those who make me feel like less of a person. Those are screening tools to avoid the shamers. Read Lise's article, its a good one and goes into detail with their techniques. 

The Gift of Narcissistic Parents: Shame and Codependency

Covid is Forever like the War on Drugs and Terror: Using Fear to Control

 
                                                       One thing has always bugged me, they always wanted to 
                                                                                 just scare the crap out of us instead of any resiliency,
                                                                                               solutions or hope for the future.

Covid is/was hell for germaphobes. A couple months ago I was reading Naomi Wolf's book, "The Bodies of Others" and she made a good point. Decades ago, tuberculosis was everywhere and tuberculosis could really mess people up but people didn't stop living because of it. As the march of time continued, I started doing math projects in my head. "How long can I go without having a life?" and "How many years do I have left to live anyway?" So that took a toll. How many years am I willing to give this? I hit my point of toleration. If I see any people getting really sick or hospitalized, I'll readjust my actions but I've already spent two years as the hidden away germphobe watching the rest of humanity around me living normal lives. With the news I'm fed up, leave me alone with your Covid 2.0 and other crap. I can tell the public checked out long ago. They are OVER IT.  This is how I feel when they name "new variants" now. 



They named one Covid variant, "pirola" which means an intimate male part of the anatomy. Is someone mocking people? Some of us are going to have to return to making life decisions based on what we see, hear, smell and perceive in front of our faces. The news lies. So if I suddenly have 5 friends in the hospital or someone died, yeah maybe I will re-examine things but someone's lying and I've lost so much time. Maybe my friends who believe it was all a hoax [after the initial severe illnesses] were right. They walked around normally and never ended up in the hospital in these past 3 and half years.

I have the theory some SARS was released as an bioweapon to create deaths and life long problems in people to make the pandemic believable [aka the Delta era and maybe early Omnicron], but the false PCR tests carried the water and increased the numbers for it to be dragged out this long. Some areas it seemed Covid was far worse in the early days like the releases were done in certain areas. 

I mean look at this....[I saw this article in several mainstream news websites].Has it become mild? A lot of people I asked "Well what was Covid like?" this last year seemed to describe an ordinary cold or flu.



I'm finally returning back to life somewhat. Three and half years of hermithood was hard. My mental and physical health are making it necessary. One of my house call doctors said to me, "Your mental and physical health are being affected, you need to start socializing again. They even said it was time to take the masks off and go back to living. Oh I did ask the functional doctor what to do but he was non-committal on the masks. He did tell me he doesn't wear masks, but when I asked "Is it real?" He said Yes. He has been helpful otherwise, more on that later. 

  All the isolation did harm me. My health is worse now. Some gardening and other activities did keep it from complete collapse, but I paid a price. Mentally there was a lot of losses from Covid. This year my husband qualifies for the Senior Center, I don't see me wearing masks there, and how will we eat meals there? Also if I want to find a new church [that's complicated and I don't feel like I fit anywhere] or do other groups, it's time to talk to people again.

There's some disabled people I know who didn't leave their house for years. I hope they are finally coming out. I need to ask a few. 

 I have started seeing a few friends without masks, and have allowed myself to do outdoor events now unmasked around people.  The second time I had ripped the mask off to talk to a friend outside on the apartment building portico felt weird. However the very first time I ripped off the mask, was when I and my husband took a day trip with one of our closest friends and I realized wearing a mask all day in the same car, in 80 degrees was going to ruin the trip. Physically it was beyond me.  We were going to a zine conference, one of my favorite things to do, and I wanted to have fun. My tolerance for the masks is about 3 hours at most, and 12-16 hours masked up wasn't going to happen. The zine conference required masks in there. I was okay wearing it in there. 

 I was already having problems breathing, after an hour moving around in the mask at home--friend was over in our apartment and then an hour in the car. I thought "I am going to have to eat and drink today, screw this noise", and ripped it off. It was scary. Hey I'll admit the Covidians got to me too. I'm not perfect. The day went far better. It almost felt like old times. The conversation changed, I felt closer to our friend and more relaxed.

Those damn masks really are hard to breathe in. I had to consult one doctor telling him when I walked while masked, I would see spots in my eyes and they told me I was getting too much Co2. So all the people who claim the masks don't impede your breathing are wrong. 

Maybe I admitted this years ago on this blog, but I'm a bit of a germaphobe. Most germaphobes are neat, I'm not so maybe that kept it controllable. Years of OCD played a part. Ok this is an extreme admission, but I'll do it: I had absolutely no unmasked contact with any human beings but my husband from March 2020-August 2023. Well I forgot the dentist but there was an air cleaner right next to me and a masked doctor or two checking my mouth and throat. I wore N95/KN95 by the third week.

My real life social life well what little there was of one completely died, except for three regional friends who helped me keep my sanity. They were good enough friends to understand my lung disorders and paranoia based in severe health problems.  We met while masked up.  I even missed ACQUAINTANCES. I'm one of those people who runs into people they know when they go into town. 

Maybe I took Covid too far to insanity land. It's possible. I didn't get a cold for 3 and a half years. I don't know if the masks did that, I wasn't around people very often except walking by a few in stores and the few regional friends.

 Some friends have told me the masks don't work, maybe they don't. There was a study that came out that said masks are a waste of time. At this conjecture, all the conflicting studies just make my head hurt. I also have wondered for many many months how much of a con Covid seemed to be. Some people did prove to me people really got sick in the early days, but I wonder about how much of the Covid pandemic was rolled along with the false positives for colds and flus on those plastic "pregnancy test" looking strips. 

My mental and physical health did get affected, maybe I made poor choices, maybe I was taken in by the con. While some of us against Covid tyranny sometimes get angry at the gullible public, never get so arrogant yourself about your own mistakes, or falling for cons.   I do think there was a serious illness in the early days of Covid, some people I know got messed up, but I wonder now if they are dragging it out to force more vaxxes and make more profit. When you realize that the powers that be want it to be forever, that's a problem. I got tired of seeing people praises masks and lockdowns like they were eager for them to be forever on Twitter.

Many in positions of power never wanted this to end. They didn't want normal life to come back. Sometimes I told off these people online and said "Stop praising failure" and "Why do you want us to live locked up forever?" They creeped me out. Many seemed to see their forever masking as a badge of honor while I was tired of the physical suffering the masks gave me and the distance from others they created. Among these experts, I felt like I was reliving life among my narcissistic parents, being told "Do what you are told" and given no hope of any future freedom or life. I had thoughts in my head like "Well sometimes you just have to grab life by the reins and don't wait for permission!" 

Over these years, I have thought  this is a horrendous position to have put a severely disabled person in. I knew the shots would kill me and they sickened so many of my friends, I have no regrets that I never took one Covid shot, though I still regret that flu shot of 2018-2019 now that we know none of these people can be trusted. Sadly I saw people growing more sick. I'm an autistic that can see patterns and when several people all start having dementia problems or aren't speaking the same, I noticed. It was very hard to deal with the fact most were lining up and still not connecting the dots. I'm not sure I will ever be able to deal with the grief involved with this whole mess. At times I thought someone should sue some of these bastards, but I didn't have Covid damages, staying uninfected as far as I knew. A disabled person with damages or vaxx injuries should go sue if they can manage it financially or mentally, sue under ADA. Contact some of those freedom lawyers. 

Reading some of the things I have and realizing this was genocide against the American people, I've cried tears that are hard to explain. I can't tell now, if they still plan to keep killing us, or if they have depopulated enough and gotten enough truckloads of cash, but it's obvious as I said in that one poem that viruses are now like the war on drugs and the war on terror, it's another version of war against us. If we are on the biblical timeline of evil elites "wearing out the saints", then none of this is going to end. I have no belief in this world system, politics at all. The ones running the show are full blown psychopaths. I posted the Bjorn Hansen video yesterday thinking, "The only solution now is to try and get the best life, they can't ruin". 



And I guess this is what I have decided. It's like going "no contact" with more people except now it's evil leaders you know do not care and have done everything to destroy your life and the lives of millions. It's a captured "expert" class where too many narcissists rose to the top of privileged positions, issuing their edicts on high and we all know narcissists don't care about equality or enjoyment of life. They like to watch people suffer and are sadists and to be honest I found myself asking "How many public health officials are out and out sadists drunk on their own power?" When I saw some of the official accounts with many praising forever lock-downs and masks, I was disgusted.  No one was interested in solutions for any would be real virus. They still push that one drug that destroys kidneys in the hospital and the other drug that causes rebounds and seems to mess up immune systems. I did get the functional doctor to promise to treat me, if I catch Covid/or any would be novel virus. They also won't admit any mistakes just like malignant narcissists, so even as people get sick and die, they will never admit they are wrong just like Dr. Toby Rogers states. 

Sometimes you can't wait for permission to leave a cage, you have to bust out or walk out on your own even with the worries making you afraid to leave it. 

I don't know anyone who has been in the hospital with Covid in two whole years. I read dissenters online one was named Harvard2BigHouse, who said Covid [not the vaxxes--he didn't support those either] was going to kill everyone off.  I'm not going to come out and say this guy's wrong. I don't know. Some people wonder about shills who just want to scare the hell out of everyone. Maybe he's for real. I did keep asking him but he ignored this question on Twitter, why weren't the elite afraid of getting it and dying themselves? Others had the theory they had an antidote while others claimed they were immune. 

I also read scary Pubmed articles that said Covid would bring Alzheimers, dementia and did stuff to the brain and vascular system. Sometimes I would read this stuff, then go to the store and think "Shouldn't everyone be dead by now?"  It was confusing. I know a lot of sick people but they were all ardent vaxxers. Many said Long Covid was really vax damage. 

Many of these people wrote and told people mild Covid was going to kill everyone and some even went as far to say it would kill millions. So I hid out. If he's right about Covid being airborne AIDS, then we are all screwed anyway. Will it matter if I hide out from people for the next 10 years, if that's true. Society will collapse anyway. 

One has to live their life. I guess that's conclusion I came to. There's a lot of other stuff that can kill me, that's wrong with me now. I was running from the Grim Reaper by my 20s. I'm doing some stuff lately like seeing a few friends without masks, [my mental health was ready for collapse from all the loneliness] and asked them if they have the slightest cold or cold like symptoms to avoid me. Which I would have wanted them to do in the before times. I did go to an outdoor festival unmasked, it was weird, I was talking to people after three years. There was some happiness because these acquaintances remembered us. I saw some other friends there too and was happy to see them. Conversation has been far different unmasked. Maybe I can recover somewhat of an offline social life. I lost so many connections, its very sad. I miss so many people.

My husband firmly believes the virus is real. Remember while we both refused vaxxes seeing friends get sick, we do have some different views. He doesn't see this as depopulation driven or things in the bible context, but as pure greed and incompetence. He's asked me to keep masks on for now in public indoor spaces. I've told him my worries that this is all a con, and we've ruined our lives for nothing. I said, "There definitely was something real making people sick in the beginning but something's majorly fishy now!"

He is scared for me, so I'm taking things slow for his sake. He does think Covid could be coming back, while I wonder about them yanking our chain. [yet again]. I showed him this article before posting it and he said, "What if it is really coming back, you don't want to look silly!" So let me add the caveat, this article is just one person giving their outlook, assess your own life and risks. They could be releasing more stuff on us. Who knows? They lie about everything.  He told me he knows some people who [recently] got messed up beyond a cold. I have to ask him more later. Are they vaxxed? The vaxx bringing illness has muddied everything too.

 I plan to share some articles with him but for now I have continued to wear masks indoors, like at the grocery store and more. In my town I am one of the last hold-outs. At least this is a reticent place so no one mocked me in the streets or anything.  It is better immune system wise to slowly wean off the masks. My immune system hasn't been exposed to people except 1-4 people and multiple people at an outdoor festival where there was a breeze and I was sitting behind a table, usually that proverbial 6 feet away from them.

 I do worry about damage to my immune system from being masked up too long. One of my doctors told me to take it slow if I needed to. Another doctor was in shock, I never have had Covid [maybe if you don't test in these latest years, you never have it, lol]. There never were cold symptoms to worry about. I know the first time I get a cold or flu, I'm probably going to lose it, but I refuse to take one of those tests I don't trust or the Q-tip brain and blood busting one. They can test my blood if I get sick enough in the hospital. This doctor even wondered if I was immune. "Maybe you are getting it asymptomatically". I didn't tell him I thought that "asymptomatic" stuff was silly manipulation. 





They knew I was masking but I guess Covid spread so far and wide, they were in shock, I never got it. It seems I was a rarity.  Maybe I was just lucky, or [it doesn't exist now and has really been over for some time]. Maybe my habits like eating a lot of eggs--I eat eggs everyday and try to give husband eggs on a regular basis helped. Maybe the habit of taking zinc and Vit C everytime I was exposed to people helped. I don't know. I'm on such a concoction of drugs and don't have a normal body. I had every cold known to man during the course of my life. I dread the first time I get a cold or flu and how I will emotionally react. 




It's time to make plans and live some of life. Most people I can tell have moved on. Living one's life always fearing death and illness coupled with severe disabilities is screwed up beyond the pale.  There's a point where things get stupid and it reached that point. I believe in life after death and even Jesus Christ warned those whoever loves their life will lose it. I don't feel like I am as smart as I thought I was. I never could figure out for sure what was going on. It was maddening. Here again, we have been abused by psychopaths putting us in a mind control hall of mirrors, keeping us on edge. No one knows what is going on and fears the hammer slamming them down at any second. Maybe the wisest just decided not to play their game anymore. I don't want to play it anymore.  For us disabled people who have almost died or fear being made more weak and helpless, their torture was even more extreme. 

I do fear our evil elite unleashing more viruses on us. Anytime the peasants get uppity they can have one of their owned and psychopathic "scientists" do their thing. I'm going back to that advice, "Get the best life they can't ruin". At this point they just want to take everything away from us and we have to grab on to what we can. There's also refusing to comply and just saying "No, I'm done! You are liars and have nothing to offer me." 

These elites are too arrogant to even realize what happens when people stop believing in institutions. Yes, they destroyed all of those as well. None of us with any critical thinking trust the experts anymore. Will you ever listen to the CDC, WHO, or experts on anything? We learned they aren't to be trusted. The fact alone they still push clot shots that harm people is enough to know there's no moral steering left, they are full blown evil. Adjust accordingly and take care of yourselves. Find what happiness you can in life. Don't let them take everything away from you. 


 

Saturday, September 23, 2023

My Poem: Never Should have Left the Holler


                                                  picture by me 



This poem was written a few weeks ago. If I publish anything, I probably will have to take it down from here, some have told me I should get poems into chapbooks. This poem was written during the time I was leaving the Unitarian Universalist church and has the theme of "class issues" in my life. It also concerns Covid. I almost titled the poem, "The Woke Don't Care About the Broke". which is one of the lines. My husband has stayed in the UU but I understand. Leaving wasn't easy for me and I have the change in belief to contend with from everything that has happened in the last few years......


 Never Should Have Left the Holler.


I came back a second time
among the Boston Brahmins
it was a mistake
God had let me down
Heaven was too far away
We all wanted to save our world
The prison planet bars grew too thick
I saw the psychopaths in the room.
They didn't.
Flames licking on the ceiling,
racing to burn our lives down.

An Opera Singer, a magazine writer, and
editor of text books
sipped their Green Tea and dipped
their Pita Chips in Olive Hummus
Smacking their lips
as my peasant body grew into
a mountain and slid into the gutter
in 1997

The professors and their piles of books
lured me away from 
the fog of the barn
Robert Fulghum insisted on joy
Davidson warned freedom would be lost
among Utopian dreams
with no center.
Thandeka knew
the limits of feigned Original Sin.
Thoreau's nature 
crumpled, folded and squashed into a box
My walks to nowhere stopped

Bell Hooks still cared. 
Sally counted her 3 million like
Hetty Green.
Macrobiotics, New York Times
and white covered art books with
filmy inserts on the shelves.
Sampling Feldenkrais, Cranbook and caviar on pasta
at Hudson's. 
I was trying to leave my station
Should have never been an artist
since artists starve.
I could have been a contender,
Maybe a nurse, or a secretary, 
But there's just one hitch:
I've never known anything else.

The academics are pressured to all think
alike or receive censure.
The scientists all set aside feelings
for corporate desired results
Who care if things work anymore?

Almond milk in a blue crystal tumbler
vs Kool-Aid in a chipped plastic
J.D. Vance praised the successful 
with jobs that paid the bills
Grandma abandoning her small town
rose up to global travel, suburban house
and dinner parties.
I sat on the curb with the bags
waiting for the bus,
an orange package of Ramen at
the boarding house hoping for a
boiled egg at White Hen

Crystal glass hutches filled with
blue line drawing plates and goblets on place mats
and silverware out of a wooden box.
Trimming lawns with the hum of the mower on
landscapes of bliss, stone fireplaces and granite
birthed from home additions
as I slinked back to my milk crates and cracking grout sink.
Reiki never bought the green
Failing to reach 6 figures 
I was out of the family

I sold off prepper's silver for gas.
Old shoes, dry wiry hair, smeary glasses and 
piles of bills came roaring back to drown me.
Public life destroyed for the screens
Gentility disappeared, along with civility
there simply was too few to talk to.

Japanese netsuke,
an ivory hare held in a palm
with towers of purple Aphrodite crystal filled
rock
resting on tables in rooms
with smooth yellow floors of 
bamboo
No chips in plates

Gilded cages behind the wall
no human contact behind 
the muzzles (Perhaps I was a fool to fear the germs)
The reticent told me nothing
The circle was closed with me outside
Thin limbs, ease and smiles
while money flowed
like the River Nile taking them
to lands of sweetness and honey.

Never should have left the holler of the north
grasping for the ladder (They died young anyway)
16 years fading
The woke don't care about the broke
The eugenicists interfered
and took my world
of color and faces away

Pick the honeysuckle off the wire fence
and taste instead of life in drywall.  
As my world shrank, their world stayed an oyster
Bucket lists filling with checks
My grief came alone.

The technocracy disgusts me
The New Normal just feels like the New Insanity,
reheated like death and spaghetti
once or twice removed,
too many times warmed over
God broke down the door
Break down the walls of the 15-minute city 
Bukowski wrote "Wherever the crowd goes, 
go in the opposite direction."

Back on the Poverty Merry-Go Round. Why Does the Money Vaporize?

                                             Peep worries about shopping cart life....

 You got to wonder when there's never enough money? Is it something I did? Is it a natural outcome of being disabled? Am I insane about money because I was raised by extreme materialists who made six figures and never wanted for a dollar? What is normal? I don't know. The money is vaporizing again. This time its inflation married to a job contract ending. My husband still has freelance thankfully. How is the inflation affecting you? 

 I could accept and have accepted "genteel" poverty. Just let me live in peace, and I'll pay rent and buy some tomatoes at the veggie stand and hopefully have a running car.  Have any of you wondered what kind of world we would have if we didn't have greedy psychopaths in charge? I sure have. This town was good with the food pantries and other resources. However the assholes in charge, have unlimited greed and enjoy crushing us. We never are going to have a decent human society with psychopaths and narcissists rising to the top. They are what brought Covid and all its resulting tyrannies. 

 Is it because I don't fit in the working class and don't fit in the educated higher class circles either? Working class people  were far more stable than us, they had factory jobs that paid the bills, and bought a small house and had kids. They stayed put and were more practical. There's one girl from my high school who already has 3 grandchildren, who married right out of high school. They all worked hard, but one thing I've noticed about the conservative working class, most live in a life surrounded by family, and in a community most forever in.  They weren't moved every 4-5 years. They grew up around community. One friend tells me they think the difference between liberal and conservative is urban for the blue and rural for the red. I would add "family networks" via "no family networks" too.

My husband is in the living room transcribing something now but the prices have skyrocketed so high, that the money that used to support all the basics isn't doing so anymore. I have noticed rich people still support Biden, everyone who feels like crying at the grocery bills, is done with that feeble old fart with the psychopathic son. We are pissed. How come Biden used to have blue eyes in the 70s and 80s and now they are dark/black? Seriously take a look. What happened to his eyes?  The working class leans towards Trump, it's ironic, we got more money from "conservative" Trump then we have from Biden.                                          
We try, this is a very entrepreneurial household, that's the irony in all this. We are always selling stuff. We even sold some zines and booklets yesterday. I talked up a few sales. My art show did bring enough money to help pay bills for a few months. It wasn't huge money but it helped. My husband used to collect cans and turn them in, once making 500 dollars in a weekend.  We sit around and try to formulate ideas all the time. Years ago he sold books on ebay. I've sold antiques found at garage sales here and there. The USA economy isn't doing that well, it's harder to sell stuff. If everyone's selling stuff to richer people and their numbers are dropping and they have higher over-head, their buying power is going to drop too. Wealthier people have to put in a $30,000 dollar battery in their EV car instead of buying your Carnival glass or first edition Charles Bukowski books

We had a reprieve from the poverty merry-go-round for a short number of years. We were more stable working class for a while, that's how things go around here, when my husband had his newspaper work and then later contract work [now ended] we could pay basic bills. We actually were FREE from all food pantries and charities for a few years. We returned to one, the same lady was there. She said, "Where have you all been?" I said, "We were doing better and didn't need the food pantry". She was friendly and understood. 

I and my husband differ when it comes to money. He was raised in an aspiring middle class household where his German parents moved here, they were middle class for a time. His father was a contractor but then his work froze up. His mother had life long health and other problems. They both died in poverty. We used to drive by his old house years ago. One day we even went inside it when it went on the market, so my husband could go down memory lane. People have losses like that. It sucks. I have these ideas, instead of worrying about money let's live as austere as we can, and move to very rural town and find a cheap place to live. But even the small towns are now having rent skyrocket. I know from an online friend in Kentucky, evil Blackwater and groups like it are buying shacks and 40 year old mobile homes. Something is really wrong with this country. Even my old small rural town in the middle of nowhere wants 900-1,000 a month for a basic apartment. I researched the entire rental market of my  state. 

My husband does make reasonable arguments that I need to be close to the specialists and living in rural decay or a worse quality apartment may affect my health. He was okay with me going on one subsidized list but subsidized housing is complicated. They design the rules like a maze. We always ended up "making too much". That may not apply in a year or two especially as he qualifies for Social Security but the money-cut offs are pretty low. They haven't taken inflation into account in many of these programs.

I may just be really bad with money but then maybe not. When Trump was passing out money, I saved some and we used the savings when he had a brief 6 months in between work contracts, and used it for that time. We paid off some medical bills. If I have it, I use it. I don't live like other people or maybe there's more people like me and I don't realize it. My family left me so clueless about how average people live.

I'm always working on stuff to improve my lot. We found a reduced car repair program, and a program for eye glasses. Hopefully I can apply for my hearing aids soon. One can't be passive and survive in America. Sometimes I feel like a social worker, I tell people in my community where some help is out there. My garden did give me some free tomatoes, peppers and herbs this year. 

All the prices have gone insane. Why is mayonnaise 7 dollars? Why is a chicken 11 dollars? It's cheaper to get the cooked ones sometimes. Inflation is out of control. The financial system seems on the edge of collapse. A lot of conspiracy people have been predicting it folding. If all the money disappears and we go digital, are they going to figure out who had money before or not? Will everyone start from the same place? It's hard to know. The ultra rich won't. My husband applies for better jobs online, physically he has to stay with remote but now the employers don't even bother writing or emailing back. I said "Try and call some directly!" I'm good at looking up stuff online but he told me that wouldn't work. 

I've heard of mutual aid societies but haven't been able to find a local one yet. They seem to be only in bigger cities now. Some churches here will help the poor out. I always thought finding a working class church that works together to find members jobs and share some resources always sounded like a good idea. Too bad that seems very rare.  How is money going for you? Are you sinking into the abyss? Are there more homeless people where you live? Are your food prices skyrocketing?

Freedom is Dying


 He's right freedom is dying. Bill Gates is insane talking about cutting down and burying trees. That monster is like the super-villain of the world. I want to puke knowing my state's governor has gone to visit the WEF and wants to take all our food and cars away and supports other nefarious plans. Bill Gates wants everyone to pay on carbon credits, think you're poor now just wait!

Bjorn Hansen has good advice about building a life they can't take away.  The more independent you can become the better. It's weird for a disabled person to say this, but it is better. I know my health has me more tethered to the system. If you have land, learn to garden. Learn skills. I like when he says "Become a reader". Bushcraft and survivalism are two interesting areas. It's true, idealizing living off the land is not easy. We need community now for sure. His thoughts on the modern world ring true to me.                Things did seem to get dumber and more crazy as time passed by. Nature is refreshing to me though I don't encounter it much but even when I gardened it did calm me down, I liked touching and moving the plants around, it's hard to explain.

 Humans are so out of touch with nature and the world and now we have these globalist freaks who just seem like they want to seal us up in a proverbial plastic bag where we can't breathe. They don't want us to have a life anymore. Well sometimes you just have to live your life despite them.  I'm checking out a bit from the system, as much as possible. I get thoughts like go "no contact" with the psychopaths destroying our lives. See a politician on TV, turn the channel, spare yourself their blather. While I wonder if Russell Brand was a shill, they probably are setting him aside now on purpose. He was bringing people into questioning certain narratives, today they directly censor people, we see it all the time where they "cancel" people.       

    BJØRN ANDREAS BULL-HANSEN – NOVELIST & ADVENTURER                          

"An Emerging Leadership Class That Rules Via Emotional Blackmail"

 



Ollie questions Covid and our politics are not as far now, so I'm back watching him. This is a good video that outlines why things in America have gotten so bad now. The narcissists are basically in charge and destroying society. The other day I wrote "All politicians are psychopath scum" somewhere on social media. Some of us are beyond fed-up. Do you remember when I posted this article?



The Great Narc Take-Over

Friday, September 15, 2023

Another Poem by Me: The Truly Awake



The Truly Awake
 

Don't let anyone tell you to shrink yourself or decenter yourself
no matter what category you are.


Ideological tests are for 
the Dolores Umbridges of the world
and in the Struggle Session
Asch labs [electric shocks not withstanding]
there'll never be Redemption
but more hoops to jump for the Original sin of just being alive.


Tidy Prim people with clear skin and glasses with
a whoosh on the edge, [how quirky] will get out
their charts to tell you
if you are acceptable.
and if your dissenting speech
needs silenced.


Privilege tests do nothing for the poor
[we tried to do everything right]
knit those plastic mats and take the Bridge
the groceries still cost too much
the jobs still offer too little
and they are disappointments to their
post war parents who could pick 20 presents 
out of the Sears Catalogue for 
Christmas and buy new fashions
every season.

 
The homeless numbers skyrocket
as we are told the economy is doing great.
For who? 
 

Some win hands down in the Oppression Olympics
ACE scores off the charts 
focused on what's wrong so little is right
And the colonization goes on, this time
it's the human body and your DNA

The Dominators won't leave you in peace.
Always something new to be afraid of
Always something new to keep you home
and alone.

 
Modern paperbag tests of labels
What you are counts for more now
than who you are?
[everyone should be equal]
When was this forgotten?

 
We think of past lives, and
 those who have left their bodies
aren't so tethered
and the woke seemed like they never slept
and went to the lands beyond
this one.

 
The Plan for the New American Century
began the Age of Chaos.
When the towers crashed, the plans began then
and perpetual war with Oceania
and the war on drugs, and the war on terror
and now the war on inner security
and now the war on free conversation
and now the war on life.

 
We lost hope along the way
The very old don't understand the less old
weeping over shows from the 70s
[everyone seemed so happy then]
knowing the future we expected
compared to the one we got.

 
Fundamentalism can come in all flavors 
demanding every box be checked off 
to see if you are a heretic
There's always something you are doing
wrong, and something you must beg
atonement for.
[instructing you to examine endlessly
for wrongdoings]
And there's no end to it. 
Perfection will never be found

When the language is changed and words demanded
Watch out! It means trouble
It also means someone's conning you.

 .
An old friend and I wrote these missives to one another
Deep Victorian like letters where we discussed 
nature, psychology and religion. 
10-15 pages long, hers even longer
written in wonderful script. 
We danced together in the sea of ideas.
Later she told me, because I failed
some test of belief
"words words words
I don't want to respond."
 

Sitting in a room, the passion inside swelling
while unheard.
Some would tell me, "We don't talk about that here"
and wrote new rules of censorship.
Every critical thinker a trouble maker
Every emotion an insubordination.

 
No one expects the American Inquisition
Reduced to an identity
The soul vaporizes into a soup
Don't expect those in the life of the mind
transcendental outside the walls
they looked outside of to be encased within
The wax already melted, they look for the tree
to climb and escape.

 
The school of hard knocks spits out
the Otherkins, submissive and weak.
Common sense means survival
Rhetoric meant fuzzy confusion
We are the women
who ran with wolves. 

 
Dalrymple warned of the liars
Hedges warned of the Imperialism
Rudolf warned of the loss of the soul

 
Make believe and fantasy books that make no sense
Don't reject the evidence of your eyes and ears
the most essential command of those 
who want to punish for thought. 
[We will think what we want anyway]
Don't let others tell you what to have in your head 
or to stifle you into their conformity
all for social control.