Wearing the mask at family functions
Do I regret my no contact?
No.My no contact will be 12 years old on June 28th.
I had to leave or die. Just talking with them on the phone was enough to spiral me into an instant illness or infection near the end.
Here are the positives and benefits of no contact:
My life had a lot of stress removed, my severe anxiety disorders stabilized, my self esteem went up. No contact kept me alive. I am still disabled, but I would have been dead. My life as an artist improved vastly. I'm putting up a mini-art show of watercolors this week. I showed two paintings at a local artist show this winter. I'm taking an abstract art class with a scholarship. Poverty as I wrote in my last article is still a major problem, but life problems are easier to bear without jeering people. I've had fun with friends doing activities, and have done art and other activities with two friends and zine conferences with another friend.
There's no more abuse, no more stressful phone calls, no more sitting in a living room with a tight grin as people brag about their purchases to you, no more threats, no more name-calling, and no more smear campaigns that you hear about. I'm sure those continue and life becomes a lot less work.
So some may ask, well what is the dark side? If you don't regret it, why focus on the dark side? I think for those of us who have been on this road for sometime, it's better to talk about the realities. Newbies need to know the score. Some websites almost make it out like you go no contact, and voila, you are healthy, a new mecca of a new life awaits. All problems are solved. Well life doesn't go that way anyway. If one manages to escape destroyed health from the narcissists and to obtain a "career". life can be a bit easier but we all face some challenges in going no contact.
Here are the negatives or better said the price of no contact.
In most toxic families, the narcissists, sociopaths and narcissists rule the roost. Look at humanity, they let psychopaths rule on the macro [most politicians] so those are the types in charge on the micro. Sadly many human beings give into cowardice, and for many it's just following whatever is easiest, and easiest for most of these people is blocking out the scapegoat and following the status quo. I wrote about how the system all revolves around itself, and it is the very rare person who says the emperor or empress has no clothing.
If you do make that decision to leave, for many of us it means losing the entire "family", that means down to the last cousin, nephew etc. The power dynamics of narcissistic control is that 99.9% will all side with the toxics in charge. They will go where the wealth and power is and often that's not the scapegoat. We mourn the people we wish we had in our lives and it can be hard over the years to see the normal people who all have families, of origin or creation. Family forms a big part of normal people's lives, and for people like us, it's simply not there. Lack of family can be even harder on those who were unable to have families of their own. Some of us go and find friends who are family or who find love and commited mates, some have children but I've met many scapegoats who have been alone in this world too.
Most people don't understand people who don't have families at all. I keep it secret from most. A writer's group learned about it from me writing parts of Fat Pat in group, and inner circle friends found out but with most, I don't talk about it. Being lonely is better than being abused, but the price of no contact for many of us is no longer having a family.
The things you learn via no contact can be harsh task masters. One thing some of us learn is that no real relationships existed. Sometimes it can be shocking that you can be gone for years and years, and none of the roost break away or even care that you are gone. I'm used to this now, but I supposed it surprised me how much in control the narcissists were, even the ones who were financially independent. One thing you can discover is that you left, and to the ones you left behind, you really didn't matter. Your absence didn't affect their lives in anyway. Sure the main narcissist continued hoovering, but no one else tried to reach out or connect with you or talk to you at all. When enough time passes, relationships are over, the ten-year marker definitely means everyone is a stranger. A nephew I last saw was 13, he is now 25, I have no idea who he is nor him me.
Some of these can be shocking revelations, you think thoughts like "I really didn't have a relationship with any of these people.". It can be hard to face how empty the relationships were. There was more imagination holding them together or the titles "This is my cousin" rather than any real knowing of each other. I knew because I lived so far away and was too poor for much contact this ended the relationships too beyond the abuse, at least with the ones there was less toxicity like the cousins. With the years, I did teach myself to focus on people who did care about me instead, and who were THERE in my life, but how could one even begin to explain this to outsiders, how a narco-path erased you long ago in the eyes of your family? I do think family is dying out in America at least for white people, many are talking about how family is no longer the same. One reason is lack of proximity--family simply doesn't work when everyone lives hundreds to thousands of miles from each other. The boomers had money to travel to stay in contact with relatives but most people don't now. Another reason is narcissism spreading itself, there's no more collective cooperation among families anymore, it's all competition. Loyalty and love exist in some families, I'm sure but it's getting short in supply.
Going no contact can have this air of "giving up", and almost feels like a loss, you break away and hand the cards over to the dealer and walk out of the casino. The door is shut. I had dreams about changing things for the better, and trying to "win" the care and connection with family but if that is not there from the beginning it's never going to happen. That's a hard revelation too, and no contact means putting an end to those dreams. I had the dreams, that maybe one day my niece could get to know me or that cousin, may have courage to see me as a person too, beyond my mother's opinion. They just saw me as the worthless broken mess my mother described me as being. I knew these things were never going to come true. I couldn't waste any more years, energy or time trying.
One dark side of no contact, I suppose is realizing how disappointing human beings can be, and that my entire family were nothing but disappointments to me. I was considered a major disappointment to my parents, but all of them disappointed me far more than they ever were. The feeling of being let down can be immense. Some of us lost in the fog and more don't even realize the extent of our abuse and as the onion peels over the years, some of the revelations can be shocking. These revelations can be hard to confront. I faced sometimes as a child and young adult where my safety simply wasn't cared about and realized the implications of this and more.
I'm not sure most human beings carry around the burden of knowing how deep rejection can go. That probably is one of the dark aspects of no contact. We have no kinfolk. I do think it would have been the same to be in foster care or an orphan. All of us scapegoats are essentially emotional orphans when you get right down to it. We became invisible the very day are egg and sperm donors decided to turn us into non-people by scapegoating us. I do think there are some things that can happen to people where the effects are life long. Healing means going day by day, but it doesn't erase the past or what you had to go through to survive. Don't let anyone judge you but God Himself. Once I was done with that it helped a lot.
We can end up with permanent baggage. We may even face the facts "we can't fix everything". I can't fix the health problems I had start as a minor. I know there are life long psychological effects of having a mother who could not love or connect. There was a certain point I thought, "This is me, you get what you get and I am tired of not being enough", and decided I was.
I can't fix the fact that socially I will always be nervous to certain extent or do away with autism etc etc. One major thing we realize we can't fix is we have to face the facts that we chose to go without a family and no longer have one as we go no contact. I did learn to deal with these things better over the years. I don't even want to describe the people who gave me crap over not having the right emotions at the right time. "Its time to get over it". Some even got pissed I still write about the family or these issues. "How dare you! "You need to move on" For me a giant break through was feeling, saying and doing what I wanted and not letting others tell me what to think or feel. I got enough of that in the family who tried to smash all of my personal self-regard and direct me like a puppet they want to make invisible. Thank goodness for my supportive friends. My eyes opened to much more as the years flipped on by, the endless secrets, the things I talked about in that last article about the family's connections and lies. One dark side of no contact was realizing I never had a family at all. I'm glad over all I did it. My life is not easy but life would be impossible if I had stayed. I don't even think I'd still be alive right now. One can find themselves no longer being lost in the whirlwind of hateful narcissists and their minions.
