Wednesday, May 24, 2023

When You Realize The Narcissists Love to See You Suffer!

 


punishments: sadism, cruelty and Schadenfreude by narcissists and sociopaths, plus a discussion on jealousy, abandonment, and abuse as an addiction


This is a great article by Lise describing the sadism of the personality disordered. Do not miss this one. Read how the abuse adds up. They didn't abuse you out of misdirected ignorance with love, many abused you for the sheer pleasure it gave them. Many abusers are malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths who do find enjoyment in hurting others. It's sick but true, and sadly many of us faced the consquences of their evil actions. Remember those of us who get away, are the ones who are survivors. Everyday I wake up thankful I am free from those monsters. 

Reading this article was revelatory for me because I never had considered the word "sadism" when it came to my abusers, even though I wondered about psychopathy and sociopathy. Mine were severe enough they did enjoy the pain they caused me. I saw enough Joker sneers to know this was the awful truth. It's what forced me to go no contact.

 The other day I was watching an Ollie Matthew's video, I became more forgiving of our political differences, he's more fed up with Republicans now anyway, and he was telling this one poor abused soul, "Your family loves your misery!" This is true, never forget it! Keep your no contact and take care of yourself the best you can.

Wednesday, May 3, 2023

The Unitarian Universalist Church Controversy: When Your Church Goes So Woke You Can't Bear It.

 


         the environment is being ruined but I don't think these globalists are going to fix anything, they'll just charge us money for carbon credits and ruin our lives using "climate" to do it. 

There's some weird controversies happening in the Unitarian Universalist church lately.  

If my UU church goes independent from the globalists and woke "ideologues", that would be a positive development to me. At a recent church meeting, most said they were concerned about the changes the UUA or Unitarian Universalist Association wants to make to the church articles. I worry though they will "work" on people via consensus training and get them to give in.  Sometimes I hope they will break off from the UUA. There's a new group called the North American Unitarian Universalist Association.

This sounds good, 


"We are dedicated to courageously fostering and protecting the principles and practices of liberal religion: reason, tolerance, democratic process, freedom of conscience, freedom of speech and expression, and the inherent worth and dignity of all people."

 I've remained in the Unitarian Universalist church for now [my husband is happy there] though Covid has ruined things too. Some may be surprised I haven't switch to another church at this point. I'm not sure what the future holds. I do question a lot religiously lately. I am politically homeless. I'm already skipping services I don't agree with. I'm no longer the same person. Religion is complicated. The other day I told my husband, "I ruined religion looking under the hood too much, the "simple faith" people seem a lot happier. That just wasn't me."

I know your regular evangelical/fundamentalist church isn't going to do it for me ever again. I didn't fit in that world either.  Being childless and disabled, it was like I was a permanent "lesser adult". At least the UUs have treated me more like a human being. That good will has kept me in longer but so much got messed up. 

There are things I like about the UU church, they are supportive of arts, jibe with my interest in gardening, and have open discussions, and interaction. I can talk about things there no other church would find acceptable. There's fellow artists, writers and academics, I had endless joyful times with. There were lectures that were intellectually stimulating, fun art projects, mindfulness classes, and other things. Being involved in the UU church from around 2016-2020, was full of happy moments. I didn't expect perfection, I knew the class issues would remain and more but there was a lot I enjoyed and there are many fond memories.

This blog is full of the hundreds of reasons why I left the evangelical world. Mainstream Christianity probably isn't going to do it for me ever again.

 However, I don't like the "woke stuff". There's things I don't agree with. As society and the left go deeper into madness, it's given me obviously an identity crisis. I'm not going to the right either of course, the bootstraps aren't there for me. 

There was the huge problem with the majority of my present church joining the Covid madness and not questioning the vaxxes.  That was extremely rough on me and remains an issue.  They were told my views about transhumanism but don't know the depth of horror I have regarding recent events.  I have felt so alone in my feelings and outlooks. One thing I noticed is when I brought up anything Covid related, they were silent. Some here may say maybe they got sick of you talking about it, but I talk about it online far more than I do in real life. 

Some of class divisions got harder to bear, no one was being mean or anything like that but as so many had travel and other things to escape to, my prison walls just got higher. There's times I feel like I made a mistake leaving the fundamentalists, don't take me wrong here, my views about a lot of it hasn't changed, but I thought, at least in most fundamentalist churches, there would be more people agreeing with me about what happened. 

The only churches in this entire community that don't support the vaxxes are one Word of Faith church, that does faith healing I cannot condone and would be a nightmare for a disabled person, and one church that joined the local anti-Covid group that ended up being a GOP PAC group and is extremely political for right wing politics. I told my husband if the UU doesn't work out, this may be "it" for churches for me anyhow. He wants to stay in, so we compromised, and I have gone to services on Zoom on topics I am interested in, and stuck with the arts/gardening parts of everything. 

I also have had some of the changes in religious belief. Most UUs aren't sitting around wondering if bible prophecy is coming true or believing transhumanism is a danger to mankind. Some UUs are Christians so there are some thinking about Jesus Christ and other things I ponder. The UU church seems to be the only one in this area where one can have freedom of belief and ask questions. Trust me over 10 years, I visited so many churches, I got so weary of control freak pastors. Things were so bad in this town, the pastors here didn't even allow any independent bible studies, they ran them all and there was no discussion time ever. The churches were impersonal. Unlike my former community, the churches here were wealthier, and the demands for money were pretty intense. I never tithed, some got checks and donations from me, but this was one reason, I never had official membership in any church except with the UUs where you could choose the amount of your donations. Of course now sinking under the economic waves again--more on that later, even pledging to the UU seems beyond our present means. People don't realize most poor people today end up dropping out of churches.

With the Unitarian Universalist church, we have only had Zoom contact in three years and that's not the same. A lot of people left and new ones have come in I've never met. I'm doing gardening there probably again this year and they are very supportive of my artistic endeavors and those are positives, but I've been gone so long, I don't feel like a full member of the church anymore. I asked my husband about going back, [we could wear masks] but he's still nervous about sitting in a room full of people for a few hours. We would hear about people getting Covid too, where they told the congregation and that made us gun-shy too. Once there was someone visiting who said, "Oh my spouse has Covid" but they are saying this unmasked.

I do struggle over if I belong there anymore but have decided to wait until Covid is over not wanting to make decisions under the duress of all this, and husband wants to stay in. There's things I still like about it thought Zoom participation is equal to being a person who moved away long ago and you are keeping some contact with emails and phone calls. 

However I want to talk about something happening in the UU as a whole. Some may ask why are you trying to bore us with your liberal church's political infighting but I decided to post this because I want people to see how institutional capture works. It also is a microcosm picture of where our society is going. It will show you how so many things in our society are now being ruined. There seem to be elitists now who want to silence everyone and shut them up and not allow free discourse. This got really bad with Covid, where they screamed "misinformation" at anyone who questioned the status quo but it's taken society over as a whole. It's also one reason I am fed up beyond measure with the left. 

Obviously you will notice unless you are sleeping under a rock, that everything seems to be getting corrupted and compromised. Covid really did a number on our society. They don't want free speech anymore or people to be happy, they want control. It seems like the UUA is now being taken over and wants to take things down the authoritarian road. 

The UU as a whole is going through a crisis now, where "woke ideologues" are actually trying to re-write the articles of the church. They basically are rewriting the entire religion.

I was UU from ages 18-30 before I converted into evangelicalism/fundamentalism and returned to the UU in my mid 40s. So I remember how the UU church used to be as far back as the late 1980s. I have attended three UU churches, one was a very wealthy UU in a huge metro area [this was the church I married in], another one in a medium size college town and the one I am in now is a small fellowship in a smaller town.  I have spent almost 20 years of my life now associated with Unitarian Universalism.

Some of these changes they want are drastic. The UUA or national organization is basically being steered by these groups. They want to remove things like "freedom of conscience" from the articles, and do away with the 7th principles. The "freedom of conscience" thing was one of the most important reasons I joined when young. It's really weird when they want to "rewrite" a religion isn't it? 

They are trying to push "white supremacy" teachings. I am anti-racist but never liked that term, poor white people exist too.  I read X. Kendi books and others before I learned he belonged to the WEF. I understood that POC face many things white people don't, but something seemed wrong like they just wanted to turn people against each other. The day I almost got thrown out of a community anti-racism meeting for mentioning economics will forever remain with me. 

That term just outrages people. Thandeka a UU minister warned about anti-racism failing because of the extreme ideological positions way back in the 1990s. She talked about how class really ran things and was ignored by the powerful. Sadly identity politics has taken over the left. No one cares about the poor anymore.  No one cares about worker's rights. Just what the megacorporations and powers that be wanted! Sadly the same elitists are working to dismantle the one church where they had freedom of belief and conscience in their teachings.

Look how all the trans stuff on the left has obliterated any discussion of worker's rights, unions, the fate of the poor and working class. No one cares that half the country [people of all colors] is sinking under the waves of economic oppression. Anyone who makes under 6 figures a year is NOW INVISIBLE. They can crush us with skyrocketing grocery prices while telling us all to buy 80,000 dollar electric cars to save the environment.  The left too has become pro-war which shocks and appalls me almost every day. Sending a drone after Putin may be a very bad idea if WWIII now breaks out.

Divide and conquer! The power brokers love it! Maybe that's why they are foisting the likes of Dylan Mulvaney on us, the anorexic actor who likes to mock women. He does creepy things like pretend to be a little girl, but he's supposed to be some great influencer.  If huge mega corporations support it, it's probably not for freedom or anything good. You do realize very few know that there's controversy with some of this stuff. Some feminists and lesbians are noticing how women are being mocked. He dresses like a 1950s housewife for a reason.

There's a new movement in the UU called the "fifth principle" movement, it's against some of these ideological changes and "woke" fascism.  They don't like how extreme politics are taking over the UUA. They are concerned too about how young people [minors especially] are being pushed into permanent changes to their bodies for the trans movement, before they are of age and understand how these changes will affect their lives. I'm not sure what the thoughts are yet about the Covid stuff though I may ask them soon. There's been a lot of censorship, UU pastors fired, silenced and people told they aren't allowed to talk about those sort of things. I am on their side.

 Fortunately some other UUs I know are against some of these extreme changes. No church is perfect or immune to politics of course but I have found these developments to be of interest. I don't think a globalism-pure church is findable outside of a the most rural remote areas. It's weird to me, how what happened in the IFB where I was rebuked for war protesting and for "liberal activities" ['why are you hanging out with all those socialist and pagans!??"] has now the inverse happening to me in the UU, where I'm not the right kind of ideological "woke" liberal. I was honest and answered a church survey saying. "Sometimes I don't feel like I am the right kind of liberal to be here". 

There was something really weird among the changed UU articles that should concern ACONs. I know this sounds weird but hear me out, they had a line in the new articles where they see all relationships as redeemable. That was weird to me. Even the UUs now think no contact is bad? That's the same kind of crap I heard in the IFB when they preached against one going no contact with any relatives and that we were wicked for doing so. 

I was discussing some of these changes with online UUs, and there were other ex-evangelicals there, and they noticed how the new articles all use the word "covenant" over and over, I said, "How Baptist can you get?" It was all about obedience to authority. The way the UU always operated, the churches were all independent, there's a different flavor even among UU churches, some are liberal Christians while others have gone more in the other direction. The UUA was more an educational clearing house than top down Magisterium like the Catholic church has.

Religion as a whole is used by the powers that be, I've said that years ago, so guess none of this should surprise me. I wanted to have some social connections so that's why I even went back to the UU church.  At least there, I could have some religious questionings without offending people though now obviously my thoughts about bible prophecy, Covid, etc probably differ from the majority of UUs. 

There was so much silencing in the evangelical churches. You either conformed or you got out. You either agreed with the pastor or left. The last IFB pastor was a horror show of narcissism and classism.

I hate having this feeling in the UU. I certainly don't need any more religious trauma.

 There's things I have kept my mouth shut about at the UU, you know. I didn't tell others, that a church member called me a Qanon for questioning the Covid vaxx or there's a lady who brought me flowers in the church and demanded to know my vaxx status and then when I told her [health problems included as my decision making] she hasn't spoken to me in more than 2 years. 

I did complain to the pastor once in a private email about people holding private parties and banning the unvaxxed from them. I made the decision to wait things out, this crap has to end right! Right???!! Covid being forever seems to be bringing me to a mental health crisis, that no one can understand. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. So most there were nicer to me, but all this has been a mess. I did become scared to open my mouth. I do want to ask the fifth principle people if any felt censored about Covid. I may admit how I felt like I could talk about true emotions and feelings. Beyond the physical distance, this has affected my relationship in the church.

I even talked to one friend recently about how hard it was to notice that everything I used to write about on my old religion/conspiracy blog--they were a rare real life friend who had access to it--seemed to be coming true.  

I even warned of a plague taking over the world and being used for world government on that blog in 2014. It was a post related to Ebola. Ironic huh? Religiously I came to a place thinking a lot of what Jesus taught was adulterated in Christiandom, and the prophecies seem to be coming true. I'm too off the ranch to return to the regular Christian world, but some of my views have changed. This world definitely is run and influenced by "evil", unlike many liberal folks out there who see our leaders as well-intentioned, I don't. Religion as I have written in previous articles on here regarding my deconversion still is in the complicated realm.

Then there's the "woke" stuff. Will I get thrown out of the UU, if I tell them, I don't care what adults choose to do or how they live their mutual consenting sexual lives, but I get nervous when I see young girls that are overweight, with possible PCOS, socially awkward--perhaps autistic given puberty blockers and having their breasts removed. I don't think young teens should be making decisions that are permanent like this. It's weird to watch perfectly healthy girls being given testosterone when my involuntary testosterone ruined my life, and I needed an androgen blocker for over 15 years. [the same drug by the way given to male to female transitioners]. People forget that some UUs are parents, and some have access to the internet and have read the stories about detransitioners who are now sterile, and regret their early sex changes. 

I noticed among the left, free speech was no longer valued. I saw friendship circles online broken up, the immediate reaction to any non-status quo belief, be it about the Ukraine, trans issues, Covid or Covid vaxxes, etc etc was to silence you, devalue you--"you Q, you "right wing conspiracist!" and invalidation. There was group shaming and silencing and even fear that set in for having certain view points. My 25 year old Aspie group of friends on Facebook where we all met online has broken up because three of us warned the other 4-5 about Covid vaxxes and I talked about my friends getting sick and none of them would hear of it. This was an open friendship group for years but all the "left" ones started demanding censorship of posts.

I started to be afraid to open my mouth half the time in the real world. 

Can you imagine how that feels, knowing you have to be quiet to be safe? And it's had me thinking things about churches, religion, etc. One online acquaintance told me, that all churches are hierarchical that's why you are struggling. I think there's a reason tyranny loving globalists want to rewrite the religion of Unitarian Univeralism. Some of the thinkers are noticing somethings wrong. Some dedicated to real liberalism are warning about what it means for freedom to be tossed out. 

I don't know where things are going to go, I'm worried about these developments. I'm talking to some UUs who feel the same way I do online. I even told them I feel like the left is taking us into Mao like "struggle sessions".

I did have to stop talking about politics, Covid, and personal hardships regarding Covid and economics to survive in the real world. Its only added to my feeling of disconnection. The left now supports silencing people and is working against authenticity and they claim the right wing are the fascists. Sigh.....

I'll see where things go. 

How the Unitarian Universalist Association Works to Dismantle Democracy | Looking at Artifacts and Ideas (davidcycleback.com)

Intolerance and Illiberalism in Unitarian Universalism | Looking at Artifacts and Ideas (davidcycleback.com)


Hoovering 10 Years Later

 

                                                                      sadly no one warned me, that I'd escape but more narcissists would ruin my life

                                                                      

I still get hoovered believe it or not. It's not apologies or any "Come to Jesus" moments. Narcissists never change, it's like freaking Ground Hog Day, and its one of the things that is most creepy about them, the passage of time has no effect on the same actions taken over and over. They are like machines. 

One called us 10pm at night. It was a cousin I haven't talked to since 2015. My husband didn't recognize the number, and answered. This cousin was one of the "better ones", a son of the Aunt that Loved Me. He isn't the cousin who is gay, but one of his twin brothers. I haven't seen this guy since 2010 in person. He got married in 2007, of course I had no money to get down there and he chose the hottest day of the year to have a wedding outside--90s in mid July. This one at least invited me to his wedding unlike my mother in who scheduled her wedding during the first week of January, and told me it was just going to be a court procedure with no reception. I found out later it was a full church wedding and reception. 

My husband said instead of hanging up the phone like I wished he had, said, "I'll have her call you back later." I was in my leg machine. Later he told me, I need to rewrite a list of numbers to screen out. We had one hanging next to the phone from 2013-2016 but eventually took it down.

Even in 2015, with this cousin, the conversation was stilted, because so much time had passed since I had seen him, there was little to talk about. I decided to call him back, to find out what he wanted this many years later. Maybe he was going to tell me someone died. The call had more to do with him, and his own recent divorce. The divorce was horrible, his wife seemed to be a completely different person, and he ended up with full custody of the kids.

 I gave away no information. The call went okay. I was polite. I did figure out his contact with the rest of the family was very minimal except his own brothers and father.  I always had the thought the family broke apart more after I left. Maybe some figured since I had done the ultimate cut-off, they didn't have to pretend anymore. These are the cousins I had the longest contact with and broke away last from just to protect myself. I really had no beefs with them. Well one seemed to blame me via the family narrative, but otherwise they weren't as toxic as many of the rest. We talked, he talked about his divorce, and I just didn't say anything about myself.  I felt sad because it seems better people always have the worse happen while the most evil run scott-free through life. A friend's advice regarding this call, really helped. 

I also got a "friend request" from Uncle Narcissist on social media a few weeks ago. It made no sense, why him of all people? He didn't have anything to do with me much, when I was around.  He paid far more attention to my other cousins. He was a gung-ho Republican and I was protesting Trump. I don't care about his politics now, we may even agree about aspects of Covid now but it wasn't a cosy relationship. He'd probably be in shock, I refused the vaxx. He probably took it for his job and his kids too. He kissed my mother's butt all the time, they were each other's favorite sibling, alike in personality in every way. I just ignored the friend request. 

My mother still sends emails, weirdly to my husband, that we ignore. She doesn't have my email address anymore. These show up about once a year. There's still the occasional "blah" card. No emotions or tell-offs for being gone, there's usually just one line or two: "I want you back in my life". ----Well, you had your chance... my siblings don't try to hoover, one told me off on a very old email, I only check occasionally, several years ago saying I was missing out on nephew's graduation, but it was just more excuses to brag. My sister could care less, but then I figured that out was true years ago.

I only have a soft spot for the cousins due to my aunt, but even with them, you can see the pain and outcomes in their lives from all the narcissists, none of them had successful marriages. After my aunt died, they were surrounded literally by narcissists like my mother, the woman that my uncle cheated with who was their step-mother for some years and my grandmother. Two married two very narcissistic women, they ended up divorced from. One never married. 

Functional Doctor

 What is a Functional Medicine Doctor?

I have an appointment in August with a functional doctor. These are doctors that integrate more holistic medicine with regular allopathic medicine. Healthwise I'm not doing that great. The doctors seem uninterested in getting to the roots of some problems. 

With the endocrinologist, I mentioned genetic testing only to be brushed off. One odd thing is I was told my cortisol scores were abnormal but they aren't being shared with me on My Chart. Hopefully at the next appointment, I'll find out how the test turned out. I'm not sure what that is about. Stranger still they had the secretary from the office call to tell me the saliva cortisol is normal. Well what about the other one?

The doctors have grown more impersonal. Some could be burned out but even the ones who don't work with any Covid patients to be traumatized, just seemed to be colder and less involved. I do think the vaxx has affected people mentally and otherwise. The silence, staring, inability to conduct regular interpersonal conversation seems extreme with some.  I don't want to be just some "number". I need doctors to stay alive but hoping this may be a new path to increase communication and some chance of better health.

The other main reason, I'm going to see this doctor is consulting on returning to "regular life" regarding Covid. The other doctors refuse to discuss it with me. I had the one doctor who seems to think I have "mental problems" for still wearing an N95 [they know my vaxx status by the way] and others who just refused to answer questions or told me, "it's just a cold now" before they got too sick to be my doctor anymore. I need someone in my corner who will help me if I catch Covid, so that's one of the reasons I'm seeing the functional doctor.