Stamp Mania

I have tons of stamps to sort, need to get more Vario pages.  I sorted things just the other day. There are certain countries I am specializing in now.

Tired of Trying

Outcast from her family

I don't want to label everyone a narcissist which can be a danger for those in recovery, but I watched this show today and thought this was a classic narcissistic family. The father seemed more quiet and was more on the sidelines but it was disturbing to watch this show.  The mother gaslighted and kept calling her a liar even as Marissa admitted her wicked deeds as a teen and that she was in prostitution.

The sisters gave me the willies to the point, while watching, I thought that they had the same negative "energy" as my sister with the same obtuse faces, and the looks of disdain. I am clean living, never drank, or drugged but mine gave me the same exact look. I was told I was an "embarrassment" as well. They looked to me like the two sisters from Cinderella. Their helmet hairdos triggered me back to the last time I saw my sister. Their dark eyes was reliving moments in my life with her.

Sadly some scapegoats like Marissa can rebel, and end up in a life of drugs, prostitution and worse.  Some run to the drugs and drink to kill the pain, while the rest of us turn things more inward.  I tend to think because this young girl was adopted into her aunt's family because her mother was incarcerated, that they laid those things on her heavy, otherwise why did a girl who grew up in a middle class or upper middle class and was a straight A student go directly into prostitution?

My Aunt Scapegoat went the "rebel" route and the same dynamics played here that I saw in my family, the outraged narcissists all saying "How dare she!" and using her to play off of.  One aspect of narcissists is they are secretly happy when someone has gone down perdition highway because then they can use the alcoholic, drug addict, prostitute, street person relatives to make themselves look superior and to play martyr off of. Here within lies extensive nuggets of narcissistic supply. Those false looks of disgust and head shaking I am so familiar with. One would think both sisters saw themselves as Prim Hester or the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live in comparison to their wayward sister [actually cousin].

Being Aspie, I didn't rebel or go into the party lifestyle or sex industry, so my family had to make up sins for me. However in Marissa's case I felt like they were all ready to brand a "W" into her forehead and be done with her for good. The tears in my opinion on the part of the mother and one sister were fake. This was a family that cared most about appearances.

One of my friends who I have complained to Dr. Phil about says he is missing the narcissism because he is a narcissist himself. I am not sure, but I have to admit watching Dr. Phil tell this young woman that her "mom" [actually biological aunt] loved her when she said she did not triggered me back to those times too, I was told by various relatives and others that my mother loved me when I was being abused. Someone needs to do a seminar on narcissism with some of these psychologists. I think that is one of worse things he could have said. I believe in the crucible of that narcissistic family she was told she was "lesser", would end up like her mother in jail, could have faced some racial discrimination and definitely there is a reason she ended up having severe problems with her self esteem.

By the way throwing a 17 year old into the streets without any support is almost a guaranteed way to have them end up in the sex industry. Even if she was sexually active, or smoked pot or did other things that were bad teen behavior, they seemed ready to toss her into the streets and did not care if she starved or died. I know so many know crow on about tough love, but I think tough love makes things worse, maybe that is a subject for another post. By the way if a young woman is poor enough, the sexual predators and traffickers will find them. Being overweight doesn't protect you either.  That is how this world works.

Dr. Phil acted like this family could be a foundation for her healing and I was thinking she needs to get far far away. He did offer her a restart in her life which is I think the main reason she went on the show and willingly got put through it. Marissa needs to stay away from the people who brought her down and have no mercy for her even if they call themselves her family.

It looks like other commenters agreed with me who watched this Dr. Phil Show:

No wonder poor Marissa feels like she belongs nowhere. The woman who raised her(And in no way is that woman her "mother") doesn't seem to think Marissa is worth a darn. She says Marissa is a liar who BELIEVES her own lies? Excuse me, as human beings we KNOW when we lie and when we don't, so to accuse Marissa of being "nuts" (my word)  in front of the millions who are watching had to be incredibly painful for the young woman. And I'm willing to bet that Marissa's many issues started about the time her female caretaker blew her off when she spoke of being raped.

  People treat children who aren't their biological children differently than they do blood. This pretend "mother" says she gave Marissa "everything"-but where is the unconditional love Marissa should have received?  THAT means more than all of the material things she could have ever received. I think Marissa was a mere "duty" to the woman. She only got attention if she was the PERFECT child, & very few children are perfect. There's not a kind word out of that woman's mouth. This entire family has rejected poor Marissa, despite protestations of the IMAGINARY "love" they have for her.

  Some people AND families are just plain toxic & the only thing a person can do to remain sane is to separate herself from them. Marissa needs to let her dreams of a loving helpful family go cos THESE people don't fit the bill.  That woman makes me cringe every time she opens her mouth to say she "loves" Marissa and then goes on to talk about her like she's trash to be dumped. 

  Dr Phil needed to stand UP for this young woman instead of allowing her female caretaker to put her down so mercilessly. And to separate Marissa from the black half of her blood cos the CARETAKER didn't want to subject herself to "those people"-well, now I see why Marissa feels so lost and alone. It starts in the home.

The Work World is Run By Narcissists!

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I haven't worked in years but I am noticing as an outsider the job world is getting meaner and meaner. As a Christian I should expect this as the world descends more into the abyss, but this one is hitting home and has and it's tough. There's too many people I know who have been thrown into poverty seemingly for no reason but that the sharks won't let them in the pool. The lines of people with extensive degrees taking orders to grill hamburgers and clean toilets are long and sad.  The work world is becoming a cold hard place. Some may say "Sure what do you know, you haven't been in it for years"!  My flying monkey cousin via my mother thinks I am laying about eating bonbons, she can trade bodies with me anytime. I'll go work her factory job rather then putting up with what I put up with in this body.

 Friends suffer from cruel bosses and of course I saw what my poor husband was put through. Honestly the narcs and sociopaths are rising through the ranks. Do any of you think they are all the ones in charge now? With the "right to work" crap, more like "right to be fired" every serf in America knows they can be fired in a heart beat. Boss had a bad hair day? Out you go! Told a coworker during a political debate in the break room, that you don't want the cultural marxist who wears nothing but ugly pants suits as a president in 2016? Told another you think both parties suck? Out you go! 10 minutes late because the bus showed up late? Out you go! Jobs have become even more unforgiving.

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They convinced the right wing to throw out unions, so now the only system where one could demand some things like a decent wages and hours are gone. Sure some became corrupt, but the money-masters sure pulled that one over fast. That's why wages are the same as in 1999 for many jobs. I made 11.00 an hour as a residential counselor during my last year in the mid 1990s. This would be a good wage in some areas but not where I lived at the time.  Residential counselors now make 8.00 an hour. Newspapers still want to pay reporters around 25,000 a year.

They could outsource jobs to their heart's content and hire only people from overseas as Gen X and the millennials saw their ambitions collapse. Woe to us with narcissistic parents who had great 9-5 jobs just from showing up and a guaranteed suburban house. They saw our failures as personal rather then systemic.

Everything is about weeding people out. Some of the narcissist inspired love their power to deny opportunity at the flick of a wrist. Why are some let in the door and not others? I almost became a middle school art teacher in 1993 but was told my lungs were too far gone and failed the medical exam. This experience was replicated twice with a mighty dosage of reluctance too for my then low to mid 200s body.  Thus started my descent into poverty. This was one reason I went to school to become a paralegal because I knew my health was going down hill, was anyone going to hire a big fat paralegal? I just wanted to do paperwork in a back office. I think I would have been good at it, if my body hadn't further imploded, but I see the long list of employers shutting the door in my face away from the good jobs, as a puzzle piece in my descent into life long disability and poverty.

So watching what happened to my husband was hell on earth. He worked the 14-16 hour days, and still got tossed away, even with great writing skills. What does a person do then? Even if he has his quirks, does that mean someone is now supposed to starve? He mulls about the piece-meal freelance slave factory and that is exactly what it is. He used to be a newspaper assistant editor. Some may so wonder you two are poor, newspapers went the way of buggy whips, but what of the other copy ad writer job where the resident sociopaths felt no compunction about uprooting people's lives and firing a spinning door of people? We counted 7 ads for his position after he was let go within a very short period of time.

The work world always seemed a mystery to me. Back stabbing ruled as the office narcissists gossiped the day away. It seemed the people actually getting any work done were few in number. There were more discussions about what clothes everyone was wearing then any actual emphasis on the job at hand. As an Aspie, I realized how much of the work world was not based on actually making or doing anything outside of my stints of being a soup and salad cook and art teacher but on "busy work" and "workbooks" for adults. These were the worse aspects of school revisited. I suppose Common Core will put the final nail in the coffin as they make even 2+2 impossible to understand among the nation's youth. Common Core honestly is "busy work" and bureaucrats screwing things up for kids. They make add 10 steps to an otherwise simple math problem.

I noticed things were mean at jobs. While a nice boss popped up here and there, they were far rarer. I had this person who even achieved MENTOR status in my mind for a few years when I was an art teacher at a juvenile home, and a nice Arby's boss took pity on my growing health issues. These were the exception to the rule though, many of the bosses were just flat out mean.

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While in school one gets a mean teacher here and there, most professors are accommodating and nice, the bosses often weren't. I learned to avoid many of them to avoid write-ups or being yelled at for "saying the wrong thing" the latter often a special abuse for Aspies, especially for me who was in over her social head while trying to keep 12 violent and mentally ill youths from committing suicide or killing each other for 12-14 hours a day. I will say this, no one jumped me unlike each and every one of my co-workers, and there were no great tragedies that required an ambulance, though one time I needed the cops there pronto. Unlike other coworkers I avoided being pushed down the stairs, beaten to a pulp,  bitten on the wrist or locked in a closet.

I know with the narc parents, I had learned to fear authority. Too many were there to destroy my life and not help me. While oddly I had a bond with some teachers and professors that was the opposite of this, with work bosses, I was always shaking in my boots. It brought out the hammer from some of the most predatory ones. I was the agreeable sort of employee, I would sign up for overtime, and try to keep my nose clean and often just wanted to be left alone, but some of course didn't give me that peace. With the health deteriorating, fear set in.

My bad health problems aside, the mystery of some getting in the door while others don't befuddles me. How do some have simple lives with guaranteed jobs that pay enough for a decent life. How did they manage it.

I think of the secure lives more people used to have with jobs that would actually last. We are seeing our communities fall apart even from this. The jobs are like merry go rounds, with people jumping off and on. One shocking thing about obits for people in their 70s and 80s plus is they always talk about them having had the same job for 25 years plus. My husband tried various government jobs including apply for the post office when his legs were not yet a problem. So many slammed doors. So many unlived lives. They tell us in America we supposedly have endless choices but really for most of us our fate has been determined by various bean counters behind desks. The job world is like the Lotto, and the entrance fees are perfect health, a good body, a decent car--no broken windshield and not being too old, and more and more a conformist personality that doesn't offend anyone. I often thought "What if I had gotten the good non-grant based school district art teaching job?" One thing about me, I believe I was a good art teacher even if my time in the field was short.

Connections really help. Almost everyone I know who has gotten a good job had a family or other connection getting them in the door. Skills help too, but even there I have seen the highly skilled left in the dust. If you have rare computer skills you can write your ticket it seems, but not all of us have those aptitudes.  It is scary to be 40 something, well 50 something in husbands case and to end up in the poverty world. Me because of my health and him because of being "thrown away" in the work world to the point of extreme disheartenment. I look back and have my regrets. I think of things like "life skills" and "how does one make REAL money that can change a life" and trying to help improve things but I am beyond stumped. He sold books on ebay last week and I got a 10 dollar gift card from taking a survey. I try to do what I can to survive.

 I had my days of tears and regrets too over the art ed choice, but have forgiven myself for that, it was something I was good and interested in. I have done volunteer things related to it as late as 2013 when I did an art therapy presentation.  I was not a businesswoman type nor the type to ascend in a corporation.

And speaking of corporations, I have noted more and more there seems to be a corporate personality. I live in a town that is kind of a "company town", and one can almost tell who works there. They all seem to have these personalities, I do not get. More cold? Very rigid? That is what I have seen. The few good people inside look scared and repressed. Corporate people are all told to dress "professional" ie all the same. I feel like everyone who works at "Widget Corporation" [my made up name] are all in a cult. It's like an Amish guy with his hat and certain look, they all have it too. Some make an easy 6 figures with job titles I don't even understand, innovation directors, risk analysts, lead analysts. What do these people exactly do?

 Innovation seems to be beaten out of our society with a business world that considers creatives unless they are independently wealthy multimillionaires like they are poison. I know of one company that hires computer gifted Aspies in the entire nation, but most Aspies even the ones with high IQs are floundering in forever underemployment or underemployment, lacking the skills and ability to conform to even manage to get a job. Why are things like this? How come there are no bosses who hire differently outside of the resume system? Socially in the job world, the straight A nerds unless they are computer gifted or get themselves into science fail. Aspies who fail to connect often fail to find secure employment.

I am not up to working but disabled people have noticed there are no job programs for them anymore outside of the set ups for the developmentally disabled. If you are disabled, the job programs simply aren't there, or you are forced to compete with the healthy who are always chosen over you to keep the health care insurance costs down. Vocational rehabilitation counselors throw up their hands or suggest fields that you can get a job in, like residential counseling because no one else wants to do it.

 I still cringe wondering if the timing of me going on my husband's supplemental insurance, was the reason for his toss-out at the last job. It may be the reason why he had a good evaluation and all of a sudden they changed their mind and did the "you are not a good fit" song and dance. That's the song and dance that allows them to legally discriminate to their heart's content and there isn't one thing you can do about it. The lawyers would laugh at you, how could you prove it?  Your economic life is bombed at the hand of an uncaring narcissist.

I don't agree with Bob Black on everything, but he nails down the terrible way that many employees are treated.

"And so it is, although it is nothing but a description of the modern workplace. The liberals and conservatives and libertarians who lament totalitarianism are phonies and hypocrites. There is more freedom in any moderately deStalinized dictatorship than there is in the ordinary American workplace. You find the same sort of hierarchy and discipline in an office or factory as you do in a prison or monastery. In fact, as Foucault and others have shown, prisons and factories came in at about the same time, and their operators consciously borrowed from each other's control techniques. A worker is a par-time slave. The boss says when to show up, when to leave, and what to do in the meantime. He tells you how much work to do and how fast. He is free to carry his control to humiliating extremes, regulating, if he feels like it, the clothes you wear or how often you go to the bathroom. With a few exceptions he can fire you for any reason, or no reason. He has you spied on by snitches and supervisors, he amasses a dossier on every employee. Talking back is called "insubordination," just as if a worker is a naughty child, and it not only gets you fired, it disqualifies you for unemployment compensation. Without necessarily endorsing it for them either, it is noteworthy that children at home and in school receive much the same treatment, justified in their case by their supposed immaturity. What does this say about their parents and teachers who work?"

I worked at Toy's R Us one summer when I was around 18 or 19 where they literally patted us down at the door and made us open up our purses treating us like would be thieves. I think of the abuses at other jobs--at one I discovered my secret dossier in the bosses desk while looking for a stapler, a hand full of write-ups they never showed me. Some bosses seemed to think working 70 hours a week was to be expected. One complained about me losing my hair and my clothes being too old. I remember my IBS up in the bathroom, being yelled at for taking too long during a 16 hour shift. At one job I got accused of smoking in the bathroom, something that would automatically kill me, and caught an assistant manager sneaking a ten out of my cashier drawer. I had no choice but to quit there.

Many jobs seemed to be continuations of my abusive childhood. While every now and then you were left alone, many places you were not. The bullies of my elementary school paled compared to the bullies awaiting me in the workplace who always had a smile on their face and daggars behind their back. These types had to create drama and stress for their own entertainment. As an Aspie, I had to cloak too, hide all stims and "fake" the small talk and smiles. I knew if I didn't my new home would be a gutter in the street but this took a toll too. It gets tiring to cloak to survive as an Aspie in a neurotypical world.

I think of my long list of jobs, sometimes 3 and 4 jobs overlapped with another. The norm for me was having two jobs just to keep a room and a car running. There was a period of time I had 4 jobs at once. Some of these were summer jobs too in between or even during college semesters. I dug up work anywhere and anywhere, even working as a temp childcare worker during a college Christmas vacation.

Papergirl--delivering newspapers
Salad and soup cook/salad girl--2 different restaurants after one went out of business-high school and college
Dorm Cafeteria worker--cook, check-ins, sandwich maker
Substitute teacher K-12/some long term assignments/special ed
Home health aide and housekeeping/temp aide for the disabled
French Fry Maker and Cashier at Arby's
Arts and Crafts director and counselor at Girl Scout Camp
Child care worker
Temp in graphics studio
Temp plastics factory worker--3 month assignments and others
Grant based juvenile home art teacher
Residential counselor for violent and severely emotionally impaired  teenage girls
Part time legal secretary [unpaid internships here too in law offices]
Games counter at Toys R Us

It was an extreme challenge to make a living. Even to get a job because of my weight, I had to move heaven and earth. This means for every job I actually got I filled out dozens of resumes. The temp agencies were the bane of my existence, I would have done anything to have a stable factory job even back during those years.

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 The best jobs were the ones where I was left alone. I still remember the satisfaction that came with concocting salads and making soup from scratch at one restaurant job, a healthier me may have wanted to be a chef in another life. The art teaching job also was very enjoyable even if I had a few Aspie run ins with co-workers out of the classroom.  Paperwork in the few office jobs is something I liked doing.  Teaching jobs were good in that you ran the show usually on your own. Substitute teaching ranged depending on the school, but working in very rough schools was very tough at times--think "Dangerous Minds" territory here.  However the worse thing I remember about the work world was the long list of narcissists and sociopaths making the work experience far more miserable then it should have been. Some jobs I was spared while others it was a nightmare.

Maybe some people out there do find stable jobs they enjoy and where there is less abuse. They don't live life with the sword of economic Damocles hanging over their head. Maybe they find nice kind bosses.  I wish my husband had found a mentor instead of the people who seemed to fire people for fun. One of his firings came the week after he even got letters from the community praising him for an article when he was a reporter. Maybe I wouldn't be on the soup kitchen line then.

 

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Something is really wrong with our work world, and it is getting worse. No one is calling it out. The Republicans and libertarians will sing the praises of big business, destroy unions and Ayn Rand stockholming even their socioeconomic challenged followers into accepting political policies that add to their own demise. The Democrats will throw open the borders and praise amnesty ignoring the working class sinking into worse and worse poverty as their love affair with globalism supercedes their own countrymen's needs. They don't care about someone like me. They'd rather hand everything over to the rest of the world. The politicians have only made things worse.

One sees pundits writing nasty little articles about how we should all live in tiny houses and have towns without cars to praise the future descent into poverty with Agenda 21 leading the way. This is all about stripping away the American standard of living. The elites want a reduced life for us all. Some write that stable jobs are in the past and that the young will have to piece together contractual work to stay alive.  A disposable workforce is nauseatingly the new norm. One's bills aren't disposable which basically means one will be living on the desperate edge. These are all things that bring them profit but they sell these things to people telling them these are the times now and you are "entitled" to want anything different. Don't be fooled by that crap that Gen X or even the millennials have "entitlement" when they lament not having a job that would actually buy them apartment or allow them a decent life. That is one gaslight going on for the entire society.

Abuse at work is now accepted and a given in an increasingly growing wicked society. No one speaks of an honest day's pay for an honest day's labor. The work world is run like the Lotto and Hunger Games. That's a huge problem. When 90% of the population is scrambling, it's not going to build secure communities. If some of us seek recovery in our personal lives and reject abuse, it should be applied to public life, where some people say no more abuse when it comes to the work world and life on the job!

This is the Result of NDAA

"Brian Jacob Church spent the better part of a day shackled inside Chicago's Homan Square, denied access to an attorney, before police finally sent him to be booked and charged. "When you go in," he tells the Guardian, "no one knows what's happened to you."
This guy got lucky since he got out.

They wiped away many guarantees with the NDAA. This is like a domestic Guantanamo!

Remember with NDAA it is not just people from other countries or "terrorists", they can now "disappear" American citizens.

I have warned about NDAA for years but very few listen.

They Don't Care About the Constitution Anymore!

Misunderstood?

50 Shades of Grey: Sociopath Propaganda

I don't consider it romantic at all, but this meme has a point.

I told my husband a joke the other day about Fifty Shades of Grey. I said it was Propaganda for us to accept literal butt-beatings at the hands of the billionaire 1% and for us to like it and call it "love".

I refused to read the book. I would sooner throw up then watch the movie. Remember I am a born again Christian, there is some stuff to me that is just out and out wicked. This 50 Shades of Grey nonsense disgusts me. One thing in our sick wicked society, they do have propaganda out there advancing sociopathy.

A Psychiatrist’s Letter to Young People about Fifty Shades of Grey

Survival

No More Pecking! Peep Got Tired of Hurting Her Beak

We will never be understood by those who will not or don't want to understand us.

I wanted to share this article I found....

Ridding Myself of the Family Scapegoat Mantel

"It took me a long time to realize that by becoming defensive and engaging in the old argument, I was wearing my scapegoat mantle well. A friend of mine (also a scapegoat) introduced me to her term, “being a woodpecker.” Where you peck and peck and peck and just dig yourself deeper into a negative place. For example: I’d say, “This is what happened. Get it?” When they argued, I’d say, “I’ll explain it this way. Now do you get it?” And so on – each time become more desperate. I always placed my safety and serenity in someone else’s ability to “get it,” rather than taking responsibility for my own well-being. 

It wasn’t until I had healed enough (and this wasn’t easy) to stand confidently in my own experience that I was able to extricate myself from the scapegoat role.

 

Knowing when and with whom I could talk about my abuse was an important lesson for me. Validation was key to ridding myself from a wide array of childhood traumas. The trick is to differentiate from those who are supportive and those whom we want to be supportive – but are not.

 

In other words, whenever anyone suggested that I was wholly responsible for my childhood abuse or family estrangement, I learned to say, “I have a different experience,” and changed the subject. Over a period of many years, with the aid of supportive individuals – who did “get it” - I learned to stand boldly in my truth, in my needs, and to set and guard my boundaries – without defending or arguing. With time, it didn’t matter if everyone “got it.” I got it! I wasn't responsible for my mistreatment and the brokenness of my family. I no longer “felt” like a scapegoat so the title didn’t fit. It no longer held power over me. I had empowered myself to achieve a place of self-assured peace. "

I noticed she admits this place took her many years to get to, so yes there is time needed in healing. Here we must have forgiveness for ourselves in taking the time we need to heal. Having a sociopath for a mother is not the norm. I know in this alone, I missed out on what many humans take for granted, having a mother who loves them from the very first day of their life.

 When I read this I think of all the times I tried to explain to all of them. Sometimes inside my mind would scream, "Aren't these the stupidest people on the planet!" but I forgot the bare fact, they did not want to understand or accept me. They simply had no qualms about my being in the place of being misunderstood. They had been brainwashed by the narc to disregard everything I had said. I was not important to them or a priority so why would they listen to me? To ally with me would have meant the wrath of the narcs and the withdrawal of bennies.  This is why even my brother disregarded my emotions telling me I was not to have them. Everything she said and did was the law. Well forget that!

 I agree with her about the pecking like woodpecker. For me it was like pecking on a brickwall with a damaged beak on the hardness of those who had long ago turned their backs on me and had no interesting in "seeing", "listening" or "caring". Today I ask myself, "Why did I try so hard?". "Why all the time wasted?"

 My NC has been a struggle even in that I had these times of thinking, "If only I could wake them up!". I had to realize my suffering did not matter to them. My words floated over their head. Even in seeking to confront, and make a stand, there too, repeating one's self once the stand has been made can be twisted against a person. I wrote my mother letters before my NC, seeking understanding and healing for the relationship. There is a time to know when to "fold them". As I have written before, we have to give up the dream of a loving family and people who do not really exist.

The narcissists try to hold us responsible for everything. Inside scapegoats are made to feel those feelings of shame, and guilt and with the onus on us to always fix relationships. We were trained by the narcs to always come running like puppy dogs to fix everything. They used this to their own ends. Kept desperate and on a hook. I remember the forgive and forget scenarios where guilty I would crawl back to the queen spider grateful I had been given another reprieve. She had this way of making me feel like I had been the one at fault. Her phony cards to me represent her waiting me out for me to crawl back with her nose in the air.

 Relationships are two way streets.  I think to myself how I "worked" so hard and how it was a useless venture. Today is the day to ask myself WHAT I WANT FOR ONCE. What will please me? Enter a room and don't ask yourself who likes me but who do I like?

The narcs here too can "win" as one is desperate to be accepted, loved and understood, you dig your hole deeper trying to explain yourself and to be "seen". The narc has labeled you "negative" and when you express sadness to the uncaring it is a no win situation. I hope one day to get to that place in understanding too, where it won't matter anymore if everyone "gets it" and that I "got it". I didn't cause these problems. I didn't choose this and I am done trying to fight to be "loved" by people incapable of the emotion. This seems to be more where freedom can lie.

I won't apologize for having feelings and seeking connection, but I know it is time to be done. They will never listen. I have the supportive people in my life who "do get it". I don't need them to listen anymore. It is too late, the time has passed.

I have realized how these people almost destroyed me, and it has taken God and every ounce of strength to grab onto the fact that yes I am a person of worth and dignity. I don't need them. I gave them enough chances and it's time to be done. My NC will be two years in June.

Hebrews 5:11 Of whom we have many things to say, and hard to be uttered, seeing ye are dull of hearing.

The System Sucks

Ah that 1990s jadedness. I wore nothing but black for much of the 1990s. It's almost cute now compared to how crazy society has grown. I fear the new systems they may have in store for us with Soylent Green possibilities and having everyone move into teeny houses but hey remember I was an art student once upon a time, I always had that questioning stance towards the system. I did the outsider art thing, and had my own DIY art shows.

I think Generation X knew what was coming. A more intuitive generation? I am not sure. But some of us knew.....

Was Daria An Aspie?

I watched Daria all the time. Finally a shy bookworm high school student. She questioned society and shallowness around her. Probably the MTV denizens just saw her as an alternative nihilistic wannabe slacker for the 1990s, but as a character she was much more. She'd be more stoic and perhaps logical then myself in personality but I wonder if Daria was an Aspie? I am glad she had Jane. I always wanted a cool art friend in high school but was too much of a nerd even for those cliques. The first picture describes me to a tee. I got friends later which is good but I still read a bunch of books.

"You Just Have to Ignore The Little Things"

ME:

Do you realize mothers like this ruin their children's relationships.

You were scared to get close to me

because you knew it'd make her angry

she was to always come first

for visits and everything else.

she even told **** this year not to visit me.

[last year]

stuff like that happened all the time.

It is not normal ****, do you at least admit that?

I tried asking you what the real deal was? Like why treat me that way? You would want to know wouldn't you

She rejected me for weight for my whole life

People can let go of old stuff but not when there is plenty of new. Also you did not have my life. I was left to almost die in the ghetto, and when they did stuff like ignore me when I was sick, it reminded me of that

You were cared and protected and she treats you with respect. I am too old to take the disrespect.

MY SISTER:

I don't care what she would find out. You just have to ignore little things. His travel finances werenot good at the time is my guess I don't know to defend this. I don't travel.

***************************************

"You just have to ignore the little things"

I was thinking about this today, how we try and try to fix relationships that are beyond repair. I was pondering the other day, why I scrapped and bowed for their crumbs and how sad it all was. I struggle with the feelings that I did not stand up for myself enough. I suppose all ACONs do when it's all said and done, even if we manage to get out of the fog and go NC.

I know one thing that rescues all of us is finding those who do love and respect us in our lives. Their kindness stands out in stark opposition to the above. These people are Life Savers in the Narcissistic ocean. One ponders some of the crazy statements putting the pieces of the puzzle together. We want people who value us in our lives not chasing after those who never did.

Being Creative

My Counselors and Me

During my life, I have seen a lot of counselors.

The above is a snippet of an old record. The problems related to the social environment are from a recent move and social isolation. . My GAF and GAS score is lower from being disabled and being unable to work. This counselor diagnosed me with Panic Disorder, and PTSD as well. She also had Axis III diagnoses pertaining to my severe endocrine problems. I never have been diagnosed with a personality disorder. You can see their mention of severe emotional abuse.

With the counselors, I would be diagnosed with Panic Disorder and just about every one of them including a recent one from a few years ago diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder otherwise known as PTSD.  Depression also came up from time to time. I never was diagnosed with any personality disorders myself. I found out about my Aspergers too of course from the counselors which was backed up by a recent psychologist who specialized in it partially.

When I went away to college, I went into counseling at the age of 18. One reason I had to go into counseling was severe panic attacks. They were affecting my functioning. I would run out of classes, telling my professors I was having an asthma attack sometimes it really was one but other times, I felt trapped!

I would be seeing repeated counselors just to function at work and elsewhere. My work life meant just trying to hold it together while inside my mind seethed. While I would get anxiety from breathing problems, I did have separate bone-rattling panic attacks. Panic attacks that made the world spin around me, and literally almost made me crawl into a ball. Counselors taught me techniques to hold it together.

By the way no contact has cut my panic attacks by 80%. I am not kidding. It actually improved this problem to the extreme.

One thing though as I sought refuge with counselors, is many admitted I was one of the most severely abused people they ever had talked to. One told me I was the worse case of emotional abuse they ever had heard of. I would literally shock my counselors with things I had to tell them. I didn't mean to.

My counseling often was beneficial. I liked many of my counselors. Counselors kept me out of the hospital. Counselors helped me process what I dealt with in the big city and the violence I saw on the job working with troubled youth. Christian Counselors helped me and my husband's marriage survive, during his career implosion. There were only one or two here and there I did not click with but recently pondering my past counseling experiences........

Sometimes I ask myself, why didn't my counselors tell me about narcissistic personality disorder?

Why didn't my counselors tell me about sociopathy?

Why didn't my counselors tell me about no contact?

Why did I have to find out about these things in my 40s?

I actually had a few well-meaning counselors tell me that to heal, I need to reconcile with my mother and family. This was during my first no contact! I remember one counselor insisting on this strongly even knowing about my abuse. "You can't cut off your whole family, you need to open the lanes of communication and heal those relationships!"  I was told it was unhealthy to cut my family off and I should explore forgiveness. I think these counselors were well-meaning but the reality of sociopathy never occurred to them.

Many gave me fantasies of connecting to my mother as an adult. They told me since I was no longer a child, we could connect as equals. I got the feeling some saw abusive parents as troubled people that made mistakes but inherently reasonable, with the ability to be reformed.

A lot of counselors are not taught about the reality of evil, but taught that counseling improves human relationships and that communication will solve a lot of problems and disconnection. Even if one faces abuse, they still see communication and forgiveness as solving the problem. They did not even tell me that remorse may not be on the menu with one of the parties. Perhaps with some dealing with the conscience-less is not part of their life experience but it made me vulnerable.

Sometimes I think in the counseling world that narcissism and sociopathy are ignored to the detriment of many people. Perhaps a few domestic abuse counselors may warn their clients of Cluster B disorders, but what about then young women like me seeking answers crawling out of a very abusive childhood?

I may be returning to counseling soon, and I am worried about finding a counselor that understands narcissism or sociopathy. It could be a problem. I know I could not handle getting a counselor that tells me no contact is bad, and that reconciliation is the answer. I have been down that road before.

Survivors

This is a trap many emotional abuse survivors fall into. It gets you worrying about what others will think and that people pleasing trap where so much pain can be.

I was praying with a friend yesterday, we prayed to God to erase the damage from the rejection inside. It is a hole inside that many abuse survivors speak of, where the narcissists set us up to think if we just become "better people" we will be loved and accepted. We want to FIX the problem! We want to feel safe. For me with Queen Spider this entailed modeling my moods according to hers, always watching out for when she was angry or pleased. It was the same with my father. When this is taken to the world as an adult, it does not work well.

This is something I am deprogramming from now. There is a difference between wanting to do right by people and the training that can come from a narcissistic parent or family system in teaching someone to always be afraid, compliant and walking on eggshells. Sad to say some of us take this out in the world and it actually can make a person more likely to be abused in other situations. In many ways this is a personal trait that is formed that can bring more abuse. The codependent movement touched the edges of it where they warned of people quashing down their own needs to please a lover or parent.

One thing about my NC [no contact], I know it is giving me a place in my life for more positive and good people while it is changing the dynamics of relationships from years ago. It isn't an easy process but I am seeing and feeling the change. It changes how you feel about yourself and how you relate to other people.

I have been short on time but am planning to write articles on CPTSD, facets of emotional abuse, what I learned in counseling in my 20s that at least helped me with some facets of what I went through, and of course continuing other articles about obesity and life.

Yeah Digital Hearing Aids!

I may be able to get a digital hearing aid soon! :) Will keep you posted. My right ear is completely deaf but this great friend of mine is helping me arrange getting a good hearing aid, for my hearing impaired left ear. Analogues are very limited. I got an old fashioned hearing aid from the Lion's Club, in 2009. It has served me well, I use it every day but to get a digital hearing aid would open up my world! They are computerized and everything to block out background noise! I would look forward to this and want to hear the birds peep again.

The Work on The Comic Continues

Maybe it will make me a little bit of pin money one day.

Anyhow outside of that it is FUN to do and an interesting hobby.

It is the autobiography of my life in graphic form.

Budgie as a substitute teacher, Budgie Escapes Chicago, Budgie gets married and Budgie's weight gain and so forth and so on. Yes Queen Spider and Mini-Me have their roles too. I have over 90 panels now. The drawing is simple but I follow the Charles Schulz cartooning school and realized I draw grass and shoes like him.  I have done cartoons of more complex drawings too.

My Future as a Bag Lady?

                               [picture source]

Will this be me one day? If it wasn't for the fact just a little bit of cold would kill me, at least being spared crushing bills may come as relief as me and my shopping cart toddle down the street.

I know yesterday was the "love" holiday but I was not in a loving mood. My poor husband. He did make me a nice card though.

 I don't know why my husband will not apply for disability and seems to put it off.  But on the other hand no one will hire him due to his age and health and he knows he can't do the 12-14 hour days the newspapers want anymore. Now that our car is old and his clothes are even older, what does someone like that do? Should he write a fake resume? Should we run away and join a commune?

His career prospects seem to have hit a brick wall of no return. Even the free lance people quibble over 20 bucks. The work world in the USA sucks. If I was an employer, I would write an ad, no resumes and bullcrap. How come there isn't one that leaves the herd?

I had to tell my husband the other day, I cannot afford a rent that takes three fourths of my check, even if he pays the other bills with his freelance work.  Say goodbye to the nicest apartment I've ever managed. It is still too small but I will miss the quiet. I have to go get on the waiting list for disabled housing. He can move in there with me too of course.   He doesn't like that idea.  He sees it as defeat while I am trying to make sure I can survive.

I will put us on the list, but maybe we won't need it. I am not sure. I am just trying to prepare. He saw this article and told me "There goes Peep woolgathering again!". Ok maybe I am a worry-wart. Well I will go work on my comic and calm down.

"I would be begging for help if it were me!"

Double click to increase the size.

This is an old email from my mother.  [2007 or so] I was looking at some old emails the other day and noticed a few emails from her. She wrote me more before my husband's career imploded, after that I didn't even get the emails of her long litany of travels--never to see me or friends I had never heard of.  She sure loved Disney World.  Thousands of dollars spent on Mickey and pals in the brainwashing mouse factory.

Her tone in all the emails is snippy and critical. I never noticed it before but I did notice my years of being afraid in writing her back of writing the wrong thing and how I would review my responses. I don't know how I was supposed to afford travel to Pittsburgh.

 I would get this unwanted "fat advice" from her all the time. "You should get weight loss surgery!", "You need to join this program!" It usually involved money I did not have. Here she probably saw someone mention some weight loss program on TV.  I live many states away from Pennsylvania. It was all about making me acceptable in her eyes.

I suppose she saw this as actually "helping me", but it did not. Her focus on my weight over the years, was a severe part of my abuse. The irony thing was all the medical neglect and abuse that led to my weight getting so out of control in the first place. I still think "What if I had gotten my lipedema diagnosed when it first began?"

What is so stupid is I was begging for help all over the place. By 2007, I had my thyroid and PCOS diagnosis and had lost the 160lbs down from near 700lbs but was still in the 500s.

A Creepy Dream I Had

My subconscious is probably a mess from dealing with so much stuff.

Anyhow in this dream I wake up while laying in bed and my mother is sitting in a chair next to me. Of course my first reaction is to be startled and afraid.

The dream proceeds oddly, she is moaning and groaning like a haunting spirit

and then kneels before me, something that would never happen in the real world and says to me,

"I FORGIVE YOU!"

Of course I was annoyed by this twist on who should be forgiving who.

The dream had other creepy nightmarish happenings in it. At one point she opens her shirt, and her heart is outside her chest, beating, and she says, "The surgeons removed my heart".

Was this a symbol of her having no heart?

Having my dream world haunted by the machinations of narcissism was quite telling.

With the table turning of her saying she needed to forgive me for things, instead of the other way around!

Land of Make Believe

In England....

Obese could be ordered to 'lose weight or lose benefits' if Conservatives win General Election

More sickening fat hatred and dupes that think weight loss and diets work long term.

Weight by Occupation

Not sure what to make of this. I thought maybe some occupations are more stressful, but the EMT's and nurses have a lower weight rate. But then don't some of these fields openly discriminate against the obese to keep them out so it would make the number of overweight people lower? Are the cops supposedly stopping for too much fast food and donuts while on shift? The firefighters really cooking too much chili down at the firehouse? It is a strange chart. I wonder where they get their numbers.

Daily Calories per Person

 

Are these calories accurate? Do all people eat an average of 4,000 calories a day? It seems excessive. The sugar and fat quotient definitely grows.

It Looks Like Lipedema to Me!

Look at her legs! Who gains weight like that one their legs just from "eating"?  She also has extreme lymphedema. Here we see the doctors insisting on weight loss surgery when she obviously has some kind of severe lymph problem. The doctors are failing young would be lipedemics in the extreme. It sounds like she was healthy and active, both working and going to university so that tells me the weight came on fast. Warning Tomo has the whole "mock the fat Americans" thing going.

See: How Much Severe Obesity is Actually Swollen With Fluids?

The Grief

I was warned by good friends, that once I was into No Contact long enough that some emotions would be rising up especially once I got to the one year marker and beyond. ACON blogs attest to the feelings of anger and grief that rise up as the scapegoat especially disengages themselves and processes what they went through.

Healing rests in truth-telling, making space for good and positive people and letting go of a family that only has hurt you over and over again. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel of all this.

 The other day I told my husband, one thing I say to myself, is, "I can be happy in my own simple life". I have depended on the love of God, my husband and friends to make it through. One thing I am doing lately is seeking happy days, where I focus on fun activities like watching a loved show with a friend or my hobbies, and these are the things I am adding to my sum of my days and focusing on.

The grief I know is real, and many of us have faced it.  Sometimes it can feel like when you go no contact, that your entire family went down in a jumbo jet and you got the phone call yesterday but then we have to be honest with ourselves and realize the actual relationships we had with these people were not at all what we wanted them to be or imagined them to be.

The Social Attitudes Towards the Chronically Ill

The positive thinking patrol stuff is a heavy, heavy burden on those with chronic illness, who may not have a "cure" in sight. I noticed about 20 years ago, bad health became about personal failure, and this is based I believe in New Age and other philosophies that became prevalent in society. The Bible speaks of "rain falling on the just and unjust" but according to widespread ideas of KARMA now so infused in our society, people supposedly get "what they deserve" in this life and if they get horribly ill, it is supposedly their fault. Of course with all the competition with the corporations and consumerist society making everything a carrot on the stick fest, health is like an eternal contest even among the healthy. Whose got the most perfect body counts more today then good character and it has led us to this place where there is little compassion and mercy for the very ill.

Home made Burritos

I made these burritos the other day, and they were pretty tasty. I simmered black beans with cumin, onion, and a pablano pepper, and later some diced tomatoes, made guacamole with avacados, lime and salt and pepper and chicken baked with some Tabasco and canned sofrito from the Mexican grocery store, cilantro and rice and put it all together in a good quality from scratch tortilla. I made a second batch with some cooked peppers and onions too.

Saying Goodbye to the Entire Family?

On here, I want to talk to ACONs who had to leave their entire family. Please join me in the comments. If you are an ACON who has had to walk away from the majority of your family or all of your family please come comment.

Some may think this is scorched earth territory and isn't that taking things a bit to the extreme? Sometimes I am even wondering why I am thinking this way but it's been on my mind. Really to be frank, I will not really be leaving relationships that exist in my life, it will be like a divorce where the spouse has already lived far away for years and where one only gets an occasional fake blasé card or letter.  It is a relationship in name only. I basically will be ending the charade. 

Everyone imagines an ideal family. Some cling on to romantic relationships hoping to change a person and that always ends up badly. Here I clung on to people who really did not want me around and had rejected me decades ago at the behest of my narcissistic mother. I know a severely obese, lippy Aspie may be a little harder to love to some, but part of my healing is knowing I deserve love and care from people in my life. Why settle for those who make me feel inferior every time I talk with them?

See the list above, in the picture? All of the above failed in my family for me. I never felt I belonged this may be related to my being a late discovery adoptee but it went even deeper. The second thing is the sense of control and having one's viewpoint heard. This never happened. I know my self esteem was hurt very badly too. This was a group of people I definitely felt hated among.

I even had this thought the other day, I can't afford to be around those anymore who cause me automatic self loathing that had filtered down from my sociopathic mother. I am really realizing at this late age, the extent of the damage done to me. I want something better. That's the plain and simple fact. I'm not going to grovel before people who treat me like I am nothing anymore. Even being alone will be better then that but I have my friends and husband.

For those who have read my blog, I know my healing has been very slower compared to others. There is a lot on my plate. I also think I have to remove myself from the whole sick web for full healing. Some bloggers who have overcome narcissistic families, are on to better and brighter futures. They have shut the door, and succeeded in re-finding themselves.  I have to do these things by my timing. I am praying daily to God for help.

In my case there are some other challenges. I shared some glimpses of how severe my abuse was but it was on the severe side of the scale. Therapists 10 years ago used to tell me I was the most severely abused person they had ever met, especially when it came to emotional abuse.

But I have realized with the family they all make me feel terrible. They betrayed me.  I can't ignore these feelings. I also faced facts I am strangers with many of them too. I never have felt loved or accepted by my family. Inside I am struggling with self esteem issues, thinking if only I had a normal body, or money or children, would they have loved me but then being sickened too that I was surrounded by people who even led me to have these kind of thoughts. People who are disabled, or childless or poor are loved by families out in the world.  I did not choose to be disabled or to have Aspergers. I deserved a lot better.

I always felt like a NOTHING around them and I have faced the sheer fact that ALL of them invalidated me if they didn't outright ignore me. All my feelings, viewpoints, beliefs were always put down, ignored or dismissed. Their blind eyes to my feelings is enough. This extended from my immediate family to the extended family networks. It applied to my mother, sister, brother, Aunt Confused, Aunt Denial, Aunt Scapegoat, cousins and various other narcissists and flying monkeys.

I had relatives I loved and wanted to get closer to. With at least two of the aunts, I was friends with for a short time and wanted a close and loving relationship. Same for the cousins, same for the nieces and nephews. I was turned away at every step. Today, I have to accept the simple fact, there is none of them I trust, no independent minded sorts.  I tried to get close to many too only to be turned down. In my case the challenges of being a severely overweight woman and an Aspie have co-mingled with these deep rejections. I know this is one reason I am struggling. Now I understand how the whole process happened.

The sad thing is if you are treated bad, you will have sad and upset reactions, and then your abusers will use those to excuse the ostracization, and abuse. I know there is no winning here. There's a time to fold the cards on the table and walk away.

One scary thing occurred to me, how none of them "saw" me as even a human being. They had no interest in getting to know me. All saw this paper figure, the image my mother had drawn. I tried to break through that for years and failed. She convinced them as early as 1979, that I was "crazy" and used my Aspergers to do so. She was complaining about me to relatives by the age of 5.  Even my years of trying to rebuild the relationships failed. My economic struggles made it far harder. In romantic relationships, people leave when they realize they are the ones doing all the work and realizing things are one way, this applies to other relationships too as well. I have given up the dream of being close to my nieces and nephews, that kept me in the game far longer then I would have otherwise been.

For years being told I was "too sensitive", I wondered if I was being too hard on my family members, that I was "too needy", "too demanding", that we all had our own lives and lived far away from one another and this was the natural scope of things. But it was not the natural scope of things, there are families who live far away from each other but still visit and express love to one another. Who knows what normal is when you are surrounded by dysfunction? But even years ago I felt the lack of respect, love or a sense of belonging in this family that may not even be my biological family. I was gas-lighted for years and told I was the problem. Now I am breaking free out of that.

The other day I was reading through some old diaries. One was around 10 years old. In it, I talked about how my mother, aunts, sister and cousins all went on a shopping trip to  large city around 80 miles away.  They literally drove right by my apt to get there too. I wasn't invited but they bragged to me about their trip.  I was told I didn't walk well enough. No one wanted the hassle of me coming along using my scooter or a rented wheelchair. This occurred at least three or four times.  My mother even once had Aunt Scapegoat come on a vacation to Florida, full expenses paid and set up the tri-weekly dialysis for her. I thought to myself rereading this diary, did I deserve that? I did not. My relatives have met on other vacations too, I have been left out of. I always was ostracized. It's a simple fact.

Another 11 year old diary in this case, I wrote "I wish I had a family that would come for dinner instead of just coming to my apartment to unload an old computer desk for ten minutes."  My husband and I were discussing this the other day, he has helped me in my healing. He said,  "Even fifteen years ago, they were treating you like they wanted nothing to do with you."

One thing that happens is these narcissists do turn entire families against the scapegoat who is the truth-teller.  With my mother being such a successful narc, and the main avenue of information, coming from her, in my case it was even more severe. My health and other problems bolstered her smear campaigns. They set up things so you are not believed. Often they have maligned you and ruined your reputation from the time you were 5 years old. Thirty or Forty years down the road you are not going to be changing entrenched flying monkey minds.

I realize even a year and half into my no contact with the main narcissists, the family wanted to keep me in the eternal scapegoat role. My mother was still running everything by proxy and sending out spies.  Even my brother's ill treatment added up to this message when I realized the real deal with his showing off of his furniture. I had not talked to him in two and half months and thought he missed me and this is where my normal emotions and their dysfunctional non-attached ones, always get me into trouble.

It is a role I am walking away from. What do I owe people like this? Nothing. I understand that when ACONs leave entire families, that can bring on "new guilt". You worry to yourself about if you are making the right decision or not. Some put up with abuse just to "have a family". A real family doesn't treat a member like this.

Maybe I will have the record for the most no contacts of any ACON. It is already in the double-digits.

I am ready to quit. I have not unfriended the few left on a social website yet but have gone silent and blocked all posts. I am not trying anymore. I am done knocking on the doors slammed in my face. I'm still entangling myself from the web the Queen Spider has spun. This is something I'm going to have to do. Self love means not going to a family that doesn't care for you. As we grow, we learn that hanging around people who make us feel bad or reject us for a narcissist is a bad idea. I do have a huge sense of loss to contend with but this is the only answer I can come up with. They never were a family to me. 

[I know I wrote I went NC with most of the family already, this is an article to go no contact with the ENTIRE family]

When Scapegoats Are Ostracized by An Entire Family.

The Social Stigma of Being Supersized in One's Family

The Social Stigma of Being Supersized in One's Family II