Escaping the Forever Scapegoat Role

[some language warnings on this one, I am not perfect]

From a support board, I frequent:

"There are a few different things you might do.
You could show up at the memorial service with a short, blunt speech on a card and read it aloud. Name, blame, and shame. Be prepared for retribution, then and later.
You could show up at the memorial service, speak briefly to your brother, and leave.
You could skip the memorial service--if there even is one--and hold one on your own, calling the saints to witness, praying, lighting candles, and so forth.
You could make a memorial page for her, speaking the truth of her life and death
You could--and frankly I really, really think you should--cut all contact with these poisonous creeps."

I've written about my Aunt Scapegoat dying, and I am on fence about going to memorial service and wrote about that since several narcs would be there, I have been NC with for three years.

 One thing I noticed with this aunt is she was squeezed into labels and molds given to her by narcs years and years ago. She was a woman on dialysis with severe disabilities but was seen as the this life long "rebel" and "black sheep" because she smoked some pot and drank a bit in the early 1970s which was what all her peers were doing at that time. It occurred to me even though she was 60 years old she was never allowed to escape the bad labels put on her and never able to live down how she lived 25-40 years ago. She died at the age of 60 and they twittered on about crap from 40 years ago. They treated her like she wasn't even a human being outside of a couple cousins, with her own dreams, aspirations and more. This is a fate I feared and was one of my main motivations to cut contact and walk.

For example one cousin posted on his Facebook that she was a "rebel". IMO she did not rebel enough and tell the narcs to take a flying leap which is one reason she never left home and ended up under my mother's guardianship. She never ran away. There are times I wish I could just disappear, me and husband and go poof! I hate the narcissists knowing where I live.

My brother told me the day she died that she was a "black sheep". I got mad and cussed him out as I admitted and said, "The entire family treated her like sh**, all you did was buy all the lies."

I actually cussed him out some more, "The family are never going to own or control me like she was"
I feel they are trying to do the same thing to me. They did everything in their power to cut contact between us for years and the depth of their lies have come to full fruition to me. The other day I was crying my eyes out about this but then it should be no surprise to me. The depth of their evil has been fully exposed to me. When they lied to me, about her hating me and probably vice versa, this showed what absolute snakes they are. Maybe the mail was intercepted. Did she ever see my holiday cards with full letters in them during the early 2010s?

I feel like they are trying to shove me into the SAME life-long box, and I realize they SHARE the SAME OPINIONS about ME. She died never breaking away. I broke away but NC has been hard for me. I LOST just about everyone, and now I have on my conscience never seeing or talking to this aunt again but had no other choice for my own sanity and well-being. Even worries about my brother dying before I see him, have cropped up for more feelings of lost and guilt, but then where was he this last 7 years? He was more busy spending thousands on Christmas gifts, then driving up here. He told me on the phone, he was going to see me FIRST for once, but then he got sick. There was plenty of years before that when I asked. Has he ever worried about me dying before seeing me again? Remember how bad my health is.

I'm 40 something years old and they still want to put me in the same damn box, they put her in for 60 years. When I saw the way they talked about her even after she DIED it made me ANGRY. This was on Facebook and on phone with my brother. "Rebel", "black sheep". The same labels foisted on me. My no contact was about walking away from their labels and becoming someone else.

Oh and by the way, she is the first one the rich family are not burying with a full coffin funeral [Catholics against cremation] with a tombstone in the family plot next to her mother, a sister and two brothers, but cremating with no funeral and a nebulous promise of a "memorial service" THREE MONTHS after the fact. My brother claimed to me my mother said, it's because she didn't go to Mass and was an atheist.  I left the Catholic church in 1987, with one and half years back in leaving again.  My grandmother quit going to church in 1987 and was buried in the church graveyard in 2007.

So that crap I noticed.

Outside of one cousin with a conscience and his brother and their children, just about all of them make me sick. With my brother, I told him it's time to piss or get off the pot, either you start seeing what my mother really is and stop being a mind slave to her money or I'm done.

I have realized with horror, my own situation is FAR MORE PRECARIOUS NOW. I hope this makes sense. The family fed off her like vampires. Do you all think I am paranoid to have those thoughts or do you understand.? When one feels "afraid" to be in the same room with people, the book The Gift of Fear would tell you to say the hell away.

It is occurring to me outside of two cousins with consciences and their kids where I have distant Facebook contact, that with the rest they have no interest in any real relationships one on one outside of the family system. I tried to form one on one relationships with others since I went NC with the main narcs, and it has failed.

I hate this feeling of helplessness, and like no matter what I do, it's a lose/lose situation. I realize having feelings is a detriment in being treated like a human being in our sick society and sick families like this.

The sad ending when it comes to my aunt will always stay with me. The spiritual struggle of dealing with evil winning at least in this world, brings me a feeling of inner sadness I'm not sure will ever go away. I'm "losing" too even though I've broken away. I'll be the one sitting alone but then I was always alone when it came to this faux family anyway. I have mourned for years even long ago when I was young, seeing what was happening to her.

No Longer Allowing Bad Treatment in my Life

When one is an ACON and enters a healing phase, it can bring upheaval to your entire life. I have ended several friendships in the last two and half years.  The number of people I have walked away from is rather high.  I even shocked my own self in walking away from some people. What can I say but that going NC changed me? For ACONs that go NC from their narcissistic families, why would we put up with other negative "friendships" and relationships?

There's some things I'm pondering lately about regarding my interactions with other people. Some relationships went so badly. Sometimes yes, I have asked if it was me? On one ACON support board I go to, today they were talking about how people don't believe that a scapegoat or ACON can be surrounded by so many narcissists. "There must be something wrong with you, to have so many troubled relationships with people or with an entire family" is the whole message. The problem is that narcissists attract narcissists. One poster pointed out how if you are abused by your parents and turned into the scapegoat, healthy and nice adults won't want to get close to you and chances are your narcissist parents are bonding with other enablers and narcissists so your life will be more full of would be abusers, with certainly very few allies. It's one reason scapegoats can be disbelieved or deemed as the PROBLEM.

I realized with such severe emotional and other abuse it is like I was SET UP FOR LIFE. It brought abusers right into the door.

I am happily married and have good friendships, but more I have pondered how so many negative relationships occurred in my life. And yes during times of self-doubt I have asked "Is it me?"  My personality I know is too intense for some people.  The side of me that is driven to activism and even writing a blog like this one, is the good part of that personality trait but others may find it too intense and wearing and wonder why I am in "warrior" mode so often?

I even worried the other day after a friend did something really nice for me, that I wish I had the resources to do more for others.  Trying to work through being a normal person or contending with one's fleas, can be difficult work. Us Scapegoats have our work cut out for us.

I have walked away from something like 30 people when you include all the number of relatives I went no contact with. It's scary because it's like my dance card got totally erased outside of husband and a few close friends.

 It is hard to explain how in some ways my eyes were opened.  I thought about old conversations like I posted today. I have thought, "Why did I allow people to speak to me this way?" "Why did I find this acceptable?" Why didn't I tell my brother to take a flying leap into the nearest lake? He deserved nothing else. For some reason my personality trait of "trying so hard to be loved" really did me in. I sat there eating the poo sandwiches being served by too many people and it extended far out beyond the family sphere.

 If there is any damage a hateful evil narcissists does to a young child, it's this training to not even establish boundaries or stand up for themselves. There is this FEAR developed where we are trained to SUPPRESS our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions to please others and it affects relationships badly and brings in the toxics.  It gives too much insecurity to otherwise good relationships and it allows the predators right in the door who see you as prey. I have had to train myself not to be afraid anymore. Fearing not being liked only leads to bad ends. Fearing the endless rejection your narcissistic family set you up leads to more interpersonal difficulties. The narcissistic families lead us to deny ourselves our own SELF RESPECT.

By my 30s, and when I had become a Christian, I started paying attention to people who had the traits I found desirable. Who was kind and good? Who treated others like human beings? Who had empathy and sympathy? Who valued what I valued? During this period of life is when I was beginning to break through my family's set up and in some ways it was the good and decent people who started opening my eyes for me later to go no contact and start "departing from the wicked" and toxic people.

From a spiritual stand-point this was necessary, I had been surrounded by such wicked people growing up.

 Looking at old pictures, I saw the smug eyes of my relatives surrounding me and there I was aiming to please with a smile, it made me mad. Inside for years with some of the negative relationships, I would have bad thoughts I pushed aside, "So and so always puts you last", This person does nothing but correct me as if she is judge and jury over my entire life", Why doesn't she value what I value? Why has she sold her soul to the system"?

But inside the main thought for every relationship I walked away from was....

"They treat you like your family did"

I even ended a thirty year old friendship recently. And yes that was my main thought. She treated me just like my family with that core disrespect and seeing me as a lesser among other people. I am not the same person she knew in college. 

Two college-era friendships I ended, they were all about their careers.

 I ended up with workaholics. Wasn't that the formula I had been given by my parents?  Why did laid back ex-art teacher me end up with career obsessed women? What did we really have in common? Not much. My family had taught me work and "What you did for a living" is everything that counted about a person. This is a belief I am done with. Some of the workaholics would shame me over being disabled. Work was everything to them. Unlike me who had to apply for hundreds of jobs for every one I got, these women had family and other connections that made the workplace a far different place. They were rewarded for their efforts in other words and made near 6 figures. They made real wages not joke ones. Most likely they had narcissistic traits that gave them success in the work-world. They sold out to the system and defended its injustice.

With one ex-college friend who was married, until I learned about narcissism, her behaviors and actions made no sense to me. Now they do. She shoved people aside. She always pushed people to the last of the line. She even complained to me, that she had no friends left and I told her, "Well you have to actually pay attention to friends once in a while to keep them in your life." It is sad how I hung in there far longer then her other friends who were smart enough to walk away far sooner.

When I walked away, and I ended my "friendship" with her within days of my no contact from the family, it occurred to me, I had been there begging for crumbs for far too long.

One ex-friend from college, treated me like a reflecting mirror.  When I learned about narcissism, this opened my eyes as to the dynamics I was trapped in. I cared about her but she didn't care about me as a person, she had no interest in my actual life or seeing me in person even after thirty years, I was there to counsel and give her supply. She saw me as someone to feel superior to. This was less obvious when our relationship existed in a vacuum where it was just us on long distance phone calls for years, but when we entered the social world of social media, she treated me like a worm. She betrayed me and mocked me to others. She had absolutely no loyalty putting the feelings of internet strangers first.

I also have learned to avoid and remove myself from the Mrs. Fix Its.  Here I had to pay attention to some of my own negative traits, in seeking "mothering" figures and talking about too many of my problems.  Being freed from condemnation that my family gave me, I believe will allow me to give to others more and no longer approach the world, in a deferential and people pleasing way that allowed those type of abusers to enter my life.

One thing I have faced in my life, is I tried to replace the mother I never had. I'm too old for this crap now. People my age have grandchildren. In one way this served me in a positive fashion, in that one very loving and kind friend was a "mother" to me. She was 25 years older and we would joke, that she was like my Mom. She provided 20-30 something me with loving guidance and we talked about life. Sometimes people can heal finding positive role models and heal in this way. She died in 2010 and I still miss her. We were friends for almost 20 years.

However this allowed the Project Friends and Mrs. Fix Its to come in. I am avoiding Mrs. Fix Its and Project friends now, knowing as a disabled person this left me more vulnerable to relationships like this. Disabled people when we talk among ourselves, we know that these kind of things happen. It is one of those facts about being disabled and this can include all sorts of conditions. People see us as charity projects, to take on, instead of equal and valid human beings. We have to be even more vigilant in keeping friends who see us as equal human beings. We may still need help from time to time, but receiving help from people who see us not as "others" but as real human beings, is help that won't hurt. When I did charity or volunteer work in my life, my approach was never this, I saw the people I helped as equals, so why should I put up with this? I don't anymore.

I know because my family treated me like a "broken throwaway" that coming out into the world, with this stance that I was defective set me up for relationships like this. This really brought to fruition for me how horrible and bad their treatment of me really was and evil on an insidious spiritual level, and the extreme extent I had been scapegoated. Here too, I have to be careful of the fear and feelings of rejection they gave me, I struggle with socially related to my Aspergers and "doing things wrong".

Scapegoats are often set up like they have to prove themselves to others, that they are "broken beyond repair" and that they are in need of "fixing" and that brings in people who may be using us for their own agendas or see us as people to use to elevate themselves. This makes for dangerous codependency.  When we approach others with shame, it puts us in a very weak position. It brings in religious narcissists and others who can spiritually abuse us and act like they are superior, and who will tell us, just like our families, "Yes you are broken" and now "Now let me fix you."

I run like hell now when someone promises me religious miracles. An equal friend praying for me is one thing, but here recovering scapegoats need to be very careful in churches. Many churches have replaced the gospel with human potential movement nonsense that focuses on self improvement and "winning" in this world, and that sets up spiritual disasters and more condemnation based in the narcissism of our day and age.

Starting to demand decent treatment and respect will change one's life. The early years of doing this will be difficult. You will wonder at times, "Am I going to be all alone?" after this clean out is done or you are in the process of doing it.

 You will start paying attention to what you value you in people.  I value my friends who treat people with honesty and respect and see other human beings as equals. They love learning and art, they care about other people. They don't sell out to "win" or stab people in the back. They emulate kindness, caring and compassion. When you are around them, you feel good. You feel you can be yourself. You aren't scared or worried about pleasing them or "saying the wrong thing". They have vulnerabilities, they admit faults. They care about justice and question the system.

 You can feel that you are loved and cared about. These true friendships will grow stronger as you get away from the negative and toxic people and there will be more room for your life for loving people. I know getting away from my family made my marriage even better.  Our love grew. So you will see these changes in yourself and in life. It can be a process. It's not easy but it's important to do.

The Way They Speak To Us

From an old PM interaction with my brother. [language warning] It's from some years ago.

He would have been telling the truth to say, "You don't care about her anyway".

In this one, I probably had complained about them driving by my apartment without seeing the nieces or nephews or something along those lines to him. My words weren't that extreme but the littlest rebellion against the Queen was to be stomped out at any cost.  Of course I didn't get much empathy. There never was any. He always took my mother's side on everything.

A decent relationship with anyone in my family is impossible. There's too much baggage there. Even the ones on the side lines that twitter on about Aunt Scapegoat or hold to the family lines, are impossible to talk to.  There is a feeling of anger and disgust in my stomach. Maybe they pick up on it. I can't erase it unless I get a lobotomy so good relationships are never going to happen. Nice polite words and being kind and sending cards, aren't going to form decent honest relationships. 

 Even with the extended cousins, while some and/or their children are still on my Facebook, I just went silent. I sent out a few birthday cards and did the social niceties but there is no relationships really there. With my brother years ago, I ceased all discussions of my mother and rest of the family and in the last two years all discussions of anything personal after his heart surgery were ended. He didn't even notice as I said nice things about the weather and asked how his boys were doing and this "change" was left unnoticed to him. The only time I talk to him now is when he calls on Thanksgiving or Christmas or one of his kid's birthdays. The relationship has already died out, he will be the same to me as seeing an old classmate I haven't seen in 30 years that is on my Facebook.

He gaslighted me too, telling me she was innocent as the driven snow, but he knew which side of his bread was buttered. His constant bragging wore me out too. There's a reason he told me his exact income for the weekend which probably amounted close to my monthly income at the time.  I think about too how these people spoke to me and gaslighted and invalidated me at every turn and yes I have asked myself "WHY DID YOU PUT UP WITH IT?"

He always told me he defended me, but I have realized that was a complete lie. It is weird how long it took me to realize that. It does horrify me how I allowed so many of them to talk to me like I was "nothing".  Those days are over.  Regular life is getting turned over, because I refuse to accept things from people I used to accept, but more on that in the next article.

Long Past The Time To Walk Away

 

A friend posted this on Facebook, I think they were annoyed by their sister being late to a visit. It represented more then that for me though. I think about us ACONs though, especially those of us in the "ignored camp". My mother and sister would drive repeatedly within a mile of my apartment, while on trips to elsewhere. My brother told me, "I told them it wasn't right to do this." but I still wondered with him why he was shocked I walked away then? Why did he still make excuses for their treatment?

I could have gone two years without seeing nieces and nephews and she would not stop by. Rejection is a hard thing, I know it is something I struggle with as an ACON. It can hurt worse when it's relatives but being Aspie it is more complicated.

Our narcissist families would reject us all the time. There was no semblance of unconditional love where you were accepted and given a place. It's never easy. I remember when young I would chase people down, kind of sad and desperate of me. I didn't get stalky or anything like that but would call people and say "What's wrong?" So few would tell you the truth, they would make excuses. It makes me sad, that I did do this. A scapegoat's desperation to be loved can be a swathe of destruction across an entire life. It sets us up for trouble. It is a deep wound not to have a mother or parental figure who loved you. I felt it life-long and even being only four years old and thinking inside, "I am defective and not worthy of anyone's love."

I remember the friend from college who was always so busy and even if I waited a whole year to call her acted like I was bothering her. I ended my friendship or what there was of it, she only contacted me when she wanted medical advice for her or her children, the very month I went no contact with the family, she was added to the list. A "friend" of thirty years duration, I realized was treating me the same as my family, she liked calling me several times a week even though we lived long distance, but I realized as the years progressed she had no interest in ever seeing me again, not even when I got sick. I was held at a distance, like someone she wanted to "slum" with. I ended that friendship after betrayals and disrespect I could not make excuses for. Sometimes in a vacuum people will treat you decently, you talk to them on the phone but you have lived so long distance for so long, you hold no more mutual friends in common and then comes Facebook where there are other people and mutual groups and you realize they are treating you like a worm. You realize, how your family set you up to even keep a relationship like this in your life.

 Right now I am working my way through some of these issues and asking myself what defines the good relationships vs. the ones that went so badly. The good ones, I feel secure in, the people love me, they are loyal and don't reject me if we disagree on something. They are there for me in the ways that count and do not betray me for other people. I count too. The bad ones, well those things don't come so easily.

 When I was young,  I felt like I was begging people to include me in their lives. I don't beg anymore but it makes me sad. It doesn't seem to take much to get rejection, and trust me all of us ACONs went down the long lists over and over about why we angered everyone or what was wrong with us. The narc abuse sets us up, to be too "desperate and needy". Our relationships can become troubled because of this undergirding. Not having a family that loves or accepts you or even a parental figure that does can lead to a lifetime of insecurity. You never have had a place and sadly I think people can pick up on this about us. It is one reason ACONs can be more prone to abuse and for future predators.

With age as an Aspie, I learned that desperation was the soonest way to scare people away. I don't think I was needy when I wanted to see nieces and nephews once in a while who lived far away from me and who I didn't have money to go see. Health wise, I couldn't handle 12-24 hour bus trips even if those would be more affordable and yes it frustrated me.

 Here is a snippet of an email I got from my sister in 2010. I asked her to stop by with her children at my apartment for a few minutes to an hour. Her husband was not on that trip. At the time I had not seen them in a  year and a half. She was driving one mile from my apartment on a major highway that cuts through my state on the way home from my mothers and where I live is the midway point. She had spent an entire week at my mother's house. Notice the comment "We do miss seeing you wished I talked to you more often." Obviously that was a lie.

One thing I always noticed with my mother and sister is that other people always came far higher then priority then me. I once wrote my mother about something health related, and she said, "What about your sister and brother and their health problems?" This was before they hid my sister's cancer. I was always shoved in back of the line. My mother's letters would be detailing visits with her third cousins and great-aunts. One time before I went completely NC, she sent me a card asking to meet for lunch, and I tried to set it up with her and she ignored me for four days not even returning a couple phone calls. My mother is retired and has plenty of time and carries a cell phone on her. In a way I dodged a manipulative bullet and was able to continue to go No Contact knowing that "trying" anymore was a waste of time.

 One lesson for every ACON to learn is go never go begging when people reject you. I am not in take all comers land anymore. People make it obvious when they do not want you in their lives. We have to find independence even of being happy within ourselves.

Not having families that gave us this inner-security at a development point when young is something we ourselves will have to make up for.  With the narcissist families, they will keep you around to keep track of you but you really are not in their lives or part of it.  One life lesson to learn is when people reject you, it's long beyond time to walk away. If you are feeling that insecure feeling and know someone has put you last on the list, pay attention, it may not be a good relationship. It will be the family dynamics repeating themselves. 

Escaping these dynamics is escaping emotional slavery in general.  

They Left Me First

Bad Luck Over and Over or Sabotaged?

[picture source]

Something I have wondered about.

My husband worked his butt off at his jobs for years, newspaper jobs, the evidence for the work is right in front of one's face.

I thought about all the multiple job lay-offs and us being slammed financially to the ground. I used to think it was just a lot of bad breaks, but sometimes you wonder. Most people with his level of education can at least find some type of worthwhile employment.

It always makes me wonder if something happened behind the scenes to ruin his career. I hope no one thinks I am paranoid asking this question.

Queen Spider wanted me under the highway overpass and probably did everything in her power to make it happen. I still remember when he was told he was not being hired for a good government job in 2006 and that he had missed passing the interview, by 1.5 points. He passed the written test.

Building Up Your Ability to Go Without Love or Acceptance

This is a good video. This is definitely a problem ACONS face. I had a time before I met my husband where I was all alone in the world. This was during my first no contact and all my college friends had graduated and returned to homes that were all hundreds of miles away. We can end up in a negative place where out of the fear of being alone, we give in to neediness and desiring the approval of others. It is a struggle for me.

When young,  I put up with many toxic relationships because I feared being alone. Fortunately I ended up secure in my only romantic relationship and marriage which probably was pure luck in meeting a fellow Aspie but in many others I was not secure.  I ended up with abusers at work, at college and in social gatherings.  While in my 20s I learned to stand up for myself and fight, only in recent years I am only getting to the root of the problem. For all of us with a no contact of a couple years, you realize all the people you walked on from or went no contact with and think "What now?" The room is empty. You get afraid. At times you think, "Was I crazy to walk away from all these people?"

What was put in us, to even pursue love, attention and acceptance even from our families and other people who did not like us? Since I have been no contact the last two and half years, this is something I have asked myself. The desperate years of wanting these people to embrace and love me, and trying to hard to make it happen was very sad. What led to this? I suppose the lack of love that every child needs was an empty hole, we all desperately kept trying to fill.

Back in those days, it was better to have a friend no matter how badly they treated me. I had at least a few friends I didn't even like back in college just so I wouldn't have to sit at a dorm dinner table alone. One bored me to tears and had the emotional depth of a 1 inch puddle. Sometimes I had these people who treated me like absolute dirt as "friends" in my twenties. One even treated me like an annoyance, and there I was like a puppy dog going "please love me" for years.

I'm this old and realizing the life long implications of having a family that did not love me and the neediness I took out in the world. For those with "mean" mothers who rub popularity in the face of their daughters, some of us may even get the idea that our self-worth is tied up in how many people like us and and in full social calendars.  This desperation was something real toxics used to their advantage. Many young ACONS can end up with narcissistic, or abusive or controlling romantic partners doubling their trouble.

Some good friends, we may need to take personal time for ourselves when facing troubles and emotional upheavals but I am talking about the other kind of relationships that too any ACONs learned to put up with that are toxic. Many of us attracted narcissists to ourselves. When you are in a deferential mode towards people it puts you in a bad position.

The therapist on the video is right about having an emotional backbone where you can stand alone and be okay with yourself. We don't want to be stuck in the trap forever of trying to get love and acceptance. We want self differentiation where we stay connected while being ourselves.

I asked on here, some time ago in article, "Can I be me?".  Some of my social anxiety is arising out of this panic. Some of my social anxiety has worsened, in the last few years. I am not sure why or how, and even at times miss having more confidence and a fighting spirit. I have been burned so many times over the last few years, it makes sense. It may be as I dig down to the roots of this stuff, there are times like this.

 The depth of my rejection was so intense, that I know there has had to be a lot of working to come out of it. There were times when I was teen and later where I don't even know how I stayed alive, since no one cared about me in the entire world. I was able to find myself and become my own individual person, and that in itself was a miracle, but I don't walk around anymore with this fear. Where I feel I must prove myself to people or that their opinion of me if it turns negative will destroy me.  These are things that bring trouble to relationships, that insecurity. Add in Aspergers and the natural solitude that can come with severe illness and it's a complicated pictures.

I am working on accepting "being alone" and also asking "What do I like, and what do I want?" outside the definitions and strictures others have given me. He is so right about depression being a deficient of pleasure. I have kept myself out of the psych ward, just waking up some days and deciding, "I must have fun today". We don't want to be dependent on others to serve those needs. I know years ago that was something I was able to do in my 20s going out to eat alone or reading a good book or a movie.

It is an ironic paradox that when you need love and acceptance, you will get less of both.

Breaking the Chains of The Narcissist Family's Lies and False Expectations.

 

 

 

There is one insidious the way, narcissists damage us.  Narcissists abuse us with their endless expectations especially if we are dealing with high achieving narcissists. They lead us to set up false expectations about life, and if life does not measure up, then we can be thrown into severe depression.  Part of healing is dealing with reality and the way things really ARE, not the way we want them to be. Part of the healing process is tossing out their LIES ABOUT LIFE.

 

The other day the revelation came to me, that it was insanity for my family to expect a woman with serious Aspergers and severe physical disabilities to achieve their same upper middle class lifestyles. This was completely utter stupid cruelty.

 

This happened to me:

 

"One of the most frequent themes of rumination that I see in patients suffering from depression is a gap between who they feel they should be, and how they actually experience themselves. This discrepancy leads to painful self-attack, which can eventually become emotionally deadening."

 

Coming out of this stuff, is finally getting rid of a lot of my depression. It's like I am FINALLY getting an OBJECTIVE view of my life replacing REALITY with the LIES they told me.

 

What are some of those LIES?

 

The false judgments on me as a person

 

The refusing to see my circumstances

 

Telling me I'd never get married

 

The upper middle class assumptions and prejudices.

 

Their views of people who have less as lesser. Even if I never personally judged the poor myself and always had compassion for them, their judgments of the poor became part of how I saw myself. My husband always worked hard. I worked hard before I got sick.

 

The belief in the system and in selling out to it.

 

This includes believing the politicians, belief in globalist wars, belief in "some animals are more equal than others" if you understand my Animal Farm references.

 

The belief that bad things happen to bad people which has actually taken over far too many Christian churches as a whole but that will take a whole other article.

 

The belief that only success counts.

 

The belief in competition at all costs. This is one reason families are breaking up in the USA, they are competing with each other. There's no more semblance of a families who stand by each other.  Do we need more proof that Americans have become a hardened crazed nation then to glance at the possibility of Trump being president?

 

I think of how all the LIEs have HURT ME and hurt me bad.

 

The other day I thought someone as disabled as me did deserve some care and help. I have met people with disabilities like my own even SINGLE ones like Aspergers who had families who cared for and helped them. They did not throw them away or call them a loser. They knew they had challenges to face the rest did not share. I think of young me even gasping for breathe and gaining weight I did not want, facing so much utter pain and fatigue and never one ounce of mercy and I came to the conclusion, "These were people are/were evil. It wasn't you! It wasn't you!"

 

I  needed to have a bowl of hot soup given to me, a pat on the back, medical help, and to be told "We will be here for you if you need us". If strangers and professionals can give me the soup, the smile and tell me "You deserve care". Why couldn't my family?

 

Since I have been busy taking out the narcissistic trash in my life, all of the people who are gone now, had no empathy towards health and money challenges, I felt relief. I do not feel alone, I feel more RELAXED. I feel HAPPIER. I feel some semblance of a light ahead and a breaking up for YEARS of depression.

 

I think about how the heavy expectations weighed on me, and how the expectations themselves were BASED on LIES.

 

There seems to be a growing expectation that we should be able to secure the perfect spouse, the perfect career, the perfect home, engineer the perfect children, and so forth to be happy and if that doesn't happen according to our plans then something is wrong that needs fixing. While we all likely believe that we should have high expectations for ourselves I wonder if unrealistically high expectations are counterproductive and destructive.

Maybe Hollywood is to blame. Perhaps watching the lives and fortunes of the rich and famous influence our views of what kind of life we should expect. For example, are we likely to feel better or worse about our lives after watching the Academy Awards later this week?  Perhaps our increasingly self centered and narcissistic culture plays a role too. If it's all about me (i.e., my needs, my pleasures, my success) then we may never secure what we feel we deserve and are entitled to. So many people seem to have unrealistic expectations of what they can expect from a spouse, a career, their children, and life in general. They want it all and they want it all perfect.

 

After reading this article I thought, Why not just be happy with WHAT I HAVE and stop listening to those who have chained me up with the chains of their narcissistic and perfectionistic codes? Poverty still stinks, but I am done blaming myself for being low on money. I believe perfectionism is a poison used by narcissists to destroy so many. Both of my parents would brag about how they were both perfectionists and that it was a positive on their life. All I saw it leading to was people who were never satisfied with anything. Even though both parents were far wealthier then me and lived easier lives, they never were good enough. I remember my father being angry he only made over 6 figures a year and not a million. My mother was never happy either. She constantly cleaned and redecorated. Seriously. It was crazy.

 

The unrealistically high expectations that the article refers to are indeed destructive as hell.
When my parents expected a young woman with Aspergers who had severe physical disabilities to make 6 figures too, they entered the realm of insanity. They left reality far behind and they took me along on their crazy tour. I was lied to about myself, about my life and even about what reality was. My view of myself and my life was put before an insanity mirror of "you can have it all" and that to be a success, I had to fulfill these endless tenets. Don't forget she even showed up at my blog to call me a "loser". Who does that? It's insane.

It is so cruel how I was set up. My health was destroyed. They almost succeeded in totally breaking me and destroying my mental health and then they kicked me in the face for not "succeeding" and not "doing" enough.

The illusions are being vanquished, and it is taking time here, but I have worked through these things step by step.
 

This is a major one I am facing now. I was TOTALLY LIED to and under severe pressures. I have realized most people who were sick and as Aspie as me were taken care of by their families, some even for their entire lives. I had a friend once tell me, that even me becoming an art teacher in the shape I was in was rare and extreme. For a person who was sick most of my life, early on, I worked hard to stay alive. Facing reality is where forgiveness of myself lies. Facing reality is where even understanding and admitting truth about loved ones lies too.

 

My mother was cruel to my husband, putting him down for being laid off from and losing his jobs. She ignored reality in her cruelties. She ignored the economy. He got older, he was a caretaker for years to a severely disabled woman who almost died multiple times especially early in our marriage. Our marriage was vastly improved when I was listening to litanies of my husband's shortcomings by people who had no understanding what he faced.

 

This was their prison and prison bars. Their lies about REALITY and their prison bullwhip, can and cat-on-nine tails to whip me into submission. "You are a loser!" "You aren't good enough!" etc etc. All based in their Disneyland fantasy view of the world and love for the system.  Accepting reality is what is needed. For many ACONs we suffer under the lash of the narcissist's delusional worlds.

 

Once we see reality, we can relax and no longer beat the crap out of ourselves, just like the narcissists loved to watch us do. We do without or innovate. We do what we can do and realize that is all we can do. We know we do not control everything and that many things happen beyond our control. We do not live in constant fear feeling that we have angered and disappointed these narcissistic overlords. We make our own choices, and live life for what we deem is important and see ourselves as normal people in a world that is not easy. A world that many times can be difficult. We understand and acknowledge that many live under severe oppression, many who are judged and exploited by the system.

 

I've been beating head on wall too long. No pressures to fulfill long lists or to dos or measuring up. Come on in this body even them judging me by the rules of their psycho contest made them literally insane. Now I can be free of this garbage and deal with reality and be more prepared to deal with life. It has changed my view of myself and allowed for more self-love and care to come in the door.

.

Self-Respect

From the book Psychopath Free:

"At some point you will find instead of trying to gain everyone's approval, you are wondering why people can't be more like you."

From the book Boy Meets Depression

"If no one chooses you, choose yourself. If no one accepts you, accept yourself."

Narcissists destroy our self respect growing up. The knife to our soul is the one that bleeds out the feelings of self respect and dignity for ourselves.  This is one way they soul murder and some people they do complete break, taking away all self respect for their entire life. They literally make people wake up hating themselves for life. She didn't take all of mine away but I'm working to reclaim what I can. Self-respect aka DIGNITY is something all ACONs will fight for and no contact is one way to make a fight for it.

They tell you that you are nothing over and over and you are always the last in line. Everyone else comes before you in importance.  Mine would go running to extended cousins and relatives I never heard of before thinking of me. Supposedly I was her "daughter" but she treated me with less regard then a neighbor three doors down. They treat you like a worm or a slave. In 2013, as you all know, I was very sick. At this time, my decision for no contact was made, because I thought, "I can't die in this position, where I die as a slave on my knees before the narcissists, I have to walk no matter what." Another thought was, "I can't sell out".

Two relatives had warned me she had me cut out of the will. One told me more indirectly, "Your mother will never take care of you" and one said it point blank. She told me my mother sat in front of some friends and her, and laughed about how I and my brother had no idea but that we were both cut out and would get the surprise of our life. This was very soon after my mother's giant insurance pay-out and around the time legal papers would have been drawn out.

 If you think about it, that's pretty sick.  Even if she had not cut me out, I couldn't "sell out" being demeaned the rest of my life out of fear of poverty or forever destitution. Money was the trap and the shackles on my wrists keeping me in the game, especially during the times I needed some help. If any of you ever think I am overly-interested in financial things, this is where it is rooted in. I know it. Even the idea of having financial security to feel "safe" from my mother is a dream of mine that I wish would be fulfilled. I literally beg for this from God. I don't want her to have the satisfaction or glee of seeing me in the streets. When I worry about being on the bus or going without groceries, I do struggle with the anger, of her life being so easy, and mine so hard.

One thing I am working on now, is claiming self-respect and not letting the poverty destroy it. I have realized that I missed some important adulthood milestones from being disabled so young. I achieved only a semi-professional life that was very short lived. I did not get that sense of empowerment that can come from a decent career or work-life that can bring a sense of security or dignity to one's life. It is a major struggle. Watching my husband struggle since his lay-offs was a double whammy.

This is one trap that keeps people in the Narc net, especially if they are an impoverished scapegoat. They look to the day where they will be "free", and have money, but then in this life there are no guarantees. Some of these narcissists as they suck energy from people live a very long time. I have heard of people who are almost elderly themselves at the beck and call of a narcissistic parent who lives on to torture them. People become slaves to the narc, fearing being cut out of the will. Wills are used for abuse, and a hammer over one's head. Some narcissists even threaten to cut people out of their will every time they are angry. Here's the real deal, if they already hate and disrespect you, it's very likely you are cut out anyway.  One loses self-respect, when in this position. This is one reason my mother can get away with so much. Her money. If she had no money, who would put up with all the abuse?  My brother was in shock I walked, "But you are so poor and this is your only chance to have anything". I didn't want to be among the crowd kneeling before her because of the money. He lives having to make sure she is pleased and he remains dependent on her largesse. This means never angering "Mommy" even into his 50s.

I was groomed to be dependent and desperate. None of us three children achieved what would be called worldy "success". My sister attained wealth via marriage. Us other two struggled, me more so. When I found out my mother had huge connections that were denied us and even helped cousins and others this told me what I wanted to know. When I was trying to get a teaching job, and denied two, due to medical reasons and ended up with the alternative school job, my mother's best friend was one of the heads of a State Department of Education.  I found out other massive family connections too, and realized with horror how some people were helped and others simply not. This continues to this day. This is what she wanted. She wanted me kept low.  Even as I worked to get ahead in a field I especially loved in college, the refusal to address my Aspergers and medical neglect, worked together to ruin my future.  She did everything to destroy my life and told people it was all my fault. The sabotage was open and continuing. Some of my finding self-respect is realizing what odds I fought against.

One part of self respect is taking responsibility for one's life, and I have sat back to analyze myself. Did I? I went to college and graduated from the honors college with my art education degree. I vied for another profession going to paralegal school, and worked in jobs with troubled youth. I analyzed myself . Was I the "loser", she called me over and over and even on this blog because there was no suburban house or 6 figure income in my future?  I started having thoughts that she was a very spoiled woman, and had an easy ride compared to me. She really did. Money always came her way. Did she have to deal with having Aspergers, or a one in a 5 million health problem? Did she have a body turn on her to the extreme?  Did she have job discrimination to deal with? No. her job was handed to her. If she had dealt with even 10 percent of what I had, she would have crawled into a ball. Her narc-rage over the deprivation alone may have put her in prison.

Another thought I had about her, is "Does any part of her realize that people fear her more then actually respect or love her?" True love or respect does not exist in a climate of fear.  There is no love or true bonding. Everyone bows down to her fearing they will be the next target. They have seen the broken shell of Aunt Scapegoat and seen me battle it out with her for many years. Everyone knows what it is to have a hated boss where everyone snaps to attention not because they like the guy but because they fear being fired. Whatever respect I have from anyone was earned the real way not demanded and coerced by fear. My husband has told me I am his "hero", even for having lived through the health problems I faced. Gasping for air in 1998, who could predict I would live almost 20 plus more years?  One thing that has changed for me being no contact this long, is I am no longer afraid of her.

 As I got deeper into no contact, I thought "Who are these people?" and started to judge them more then myself. While they had more money and prestige then me, where they better people? The answer was no. An objective view of my mother was of an uneducated however cunning woman who had exploited people to move from farm-poor to upper middle class. I analyzed to myself asking "Who among the family had a conscience left, who was more like me? One cousin who volunteers definitely does. A few do. I find myself praying the narcissists don't corrupt them. I asked the question in the quote above, "Why can't they be more like me?" instead of thinking I was all wrong.

Learning to trust myself has been a journey and in itself. I have faced fear and other challenges still being worked on. The poverty thing has hurt me badly but then even there, I ask myself "Have I done what I can?" and I have. Becoming disabled does not bring the wealth. I did what I could and I fought to stay alive.

 We have collected cans, sold ebay and other things. Even with my husband, he works hard even though we are poor. I help him and cook his meals while he is on the computer. He helps me with the caretaking I need during the day such as being driven to an appointment or being helped up from a chair or supported during a vertigo attack. He has not given up and neither should I. Sometimes I get angry wondering why some people have been given good and high paying jobs, and others are not but we both tried everything we could to dig ourselves out. I reminded myself even though I was disabled, we escaped the ghetto even one time. This is why the re-sinking back into poverty has been painful. Right now we are trying to figure out "what to do" and being in your late 40s and early 50s not knowing "what to do", is a very scary feeling. The narcissists while they cheat the system ignore how many people have to live and what has happened to the United States economy. One thing about being poor, is this society will try to destroy your self-respect on many levels. It is something you have to fight. This is one place where knowing the system is screwed up saves a person.

I did not deserve what these narcissists and sociopaths dished out on me. I realized my mother affected my husband in very negative ways too. She was hurting him. When she said things to me like "Your husband will never amount to anything" even knowing at one point he had a book of his own published and had been published in national music magazines and was an assistant newspaper editor at one point, she was hurting him as well as me. She was dishonoring and disrespecting him too. It was affecting his life. My marriage grew stronger when I broke away too. I broke away from having us both called losers. Self-respect is defending those who you love. Narcissists and sociopaths do not know what true love is. They probably are jealous of it and hate you for having it.

My mother used to get angry in emails, and write "You have no respect for me!". She definitely had that sickening narcissist trait of always wanting constant adoration and attention.  How could I? This is one trait of the narcissists where they will demand respect and never get it.  She tried to destroy my own self respect and sought to rule by fear, and intimidation. I do not like my mother, everything about her personality bothers me. There was nothing to respect. It was ironic the person who allowed me no respect demanded it all the time. You have to give respect to get it, which is something she never did. She disrespected people all the time. Even the stuff she said and did regarding Aunt Scapegoat hurt me as there was one point in time I was cared about Aunt Scapegoat and was seeking a bond with her. Respect is earned not coerced via fear.

 Also if you are someone that seeks to destroy everyone's self respect of themselves, you are not someone who is going to earn love from anyone. They may fear you and be nice to your face and tell you what you want to hear, but they will not like you and they won't respect you. Narcissists via their own bad behavior deny themselves real respect and love. They get sycophants, they do not get friends.

One thing that brings self-respect in one's life is integrity. Integrity is holding to one's own moral principles.  Somehow I survived intact in my integrity coming out of the household of snakes. Not to say I am perfect but one part of my identity entails standing up for what I believe. Something the narcissists never were interested in. My father actually would seek to chip away at this telling me I was "too idealistic" and never would "make" it in the world because I would not bend. One Aspie trait is we do stick to where we stand.

One important part of my self-respect was not allowing the narcissists to silence me or take away my own viewpoints or morals. This is one thing that narcissists will strive to chip away at, having no integrity themselves, if you have any they will work on it. There were times my parents would insult me for being "too nice", or "too sensitive". I still think of that last family meeting where my mother outraged by Christian verses, theology and defenses of the poor I was putting on my Facebook wall wrote an email to everyone in the family telling them, that she was going to outlaw some topics for the holiday family meeting at her house.  This was the one in 2012.

Integrity rooted in self respect is what told me, I could not go. A lot of times, I am housebound in winter, and can't make it anyhow--they never allowed any compromise for this, which is one reason I went without seeing some family members for 8 years at the time. That year it was warm enough though, I could have gone, but I refused. The "beliefs" she was outraged by were my Christian beliefs.

This is one point where I was glad I stood up for myself and said "No" when I wrote back, the whole family all kissed her butt and made jokes at me on her behalf. I knew this was the beginning of my NC decision that would be enforced in June after that holiday season. This was one point in my life, where I knew "These people do not respect me." and  "They mock me". The same integrity for someone silencing me for my religious beliefs--and no I didn't thump my bible at them. I left them alone after witnessing one time. I was sacrificing self respect to have anything to do with these narcissists who demeaned me at every step. As I have thought about this in the last few years since it happened, this was her way to even try and take away a core part of who I was, and what I stood for. She did not want the others reading what I had written or posted.

One thing about narcissists is they have no integrity or stands they take. They will change a stand considering what audience they are in front of. I have heard my mother claim to be prolife in one social setting and prochoice in another. I don't want to begin an abortion debate here but am showing this example to show how they will change like chameleons considering who they desire to manipulate. I believe she wanted to shut down the openness I had on Facebook in sharing opinions and viewpoint and this was a way to say, "Do not listen to Peep". With the family all loving her money, they were ready to scramble. When I wrote back "we need LESS censorship in this family not more", all took her side.

So I walked and gained more Self-Respect.

It's changing me. I was under so much condemnation for so long, and now I am seeing through more and more of it. I am learning to hold more boundaries with people and also to stand up for myself. One thing I may write about soon is I have ended quite a number of friendships. I wrote about one in the Taking out the Narcissistic Trash article, but there have been others.  Sometimes I have asked myself if I will end up alone--I do have the good loyal friends and my husband, but my standards are being enforced. I'm not putting up with nonsense. Even being alone is better then dealing with anyone who will disrespect me.

I believe this is one of the worse things these sociopaths and narcissists do to people which is they try to take away someone's very self respect and dignity in who they are. I reject her labels about me that sought to destroy my life and today I get away from people who treat me like she did, who have derision or speak down to me. I did not sell my life and soul to the system, and can respect myself for that.

Peep's Personal Red Flag List to Warn of Predators

This is my personal list, these will be the details beyond the known factors of narcissists and sociopaths... We know already about their entitlement, coldness, lack of empathy, these are other red flag signs beyond those. Some of these red flags will be personal to me and my personality:

1. They whine about cleaning and tell you that your apt or house isn't clean enough. Next time I hand them the broom while they whine about how messy my apartment is. If they don't clean they can leave.

2. Things fail to get done. They tell you one thing and make promises that never happen. They are undependable, and there is always an excuse.

3. They are good "boy scouts" and "girl scouts" who insist on the rules but then you notice they never follow the same said rules and always get their needs met.

4. They never go without an unmet need. If someone has never lost a job in their entire life or had one set back--be careful of catching any innocents in this net but every narcissist I knew never lost a job. [This may not apply the parasitical types] Be careful of people who have always gotten every need met in their entire life. This applies to my sociopathic mother. She never has gone without one dollar she has wanted.

5. Watch out for constant criticism.

6. If they approach you with the attitude of "fixing you", run like hell and never look back. Don't listen to talk of "deliverance" prayers, or "you need to volunteer" more. Avoid those who act as if they have a direct dial to God. New and baby Christians need to be especially wary of religious narcissists. ACONs because of our upbringing, can become prey to the "fixers" who see your inherent lack of self-worth prior to recovery.

7. Avoid those who pity you. Pity sucks. It will drive your self esteem lower then hell. The do-gooder pity patrol while you think they will "help you" and sometimes one or two may meet a physical need, the price isn't worth it. The disabled need to be on guard for this one especially.

8. They repress you. If they tell you things like go watch a movie or read a nice book every time you tell them anything sad, run like hell. At the very least, keep them separate as a "public friend" or friendly acquaintance where you share nothing deep. Your emotions bother them. That's what they are telling you. We know too the malignant narcissists who use emotions to abuse.

9. Avoid people who see every problem as "solvable". If you have problems that are not solved, they may treat you badly for them.

10. Avoid people who see everything as a competition. Such types are willing participants in the "American Hunger Games" on different levels. A sub-set here would be various sell-outs who do not mind selling their souls for careers or engaging in evil things for world success. If your friend works for a GMO-manufacturing company or counts body bags and machine guns for war or does PR for a guy like Lex Luther, maybe reconsider things.

11. Shut the door in the face of those who sneer and get jollies upon the sufferings of others. If you meet someone and you start wondering why everyone else they know is a "loser" or "crazy" since they dog everyone out, realize you can be next on the list for a new smear campaign. Double warning for anyone who cheers about anyone getting committed like my relatives.

12. People who buy presents to shut you up or get you to "get back in line" are no good. Being bought off is not being respected. Same as when my NM tried to offer me a used car the very day I went no contact. She knew I feared lacking transportation. Abusive husbands are known to buy flowers for their abused wives, well this can happen in other contexts with narcissists.

13. If you raise issues and they dance around topics, and don't answer anything directly be wary. The dancing as fast as they can game is often done for confusion.

14. If you have someone in your life, you are around all the time or talk to for many hours and then you don't really know them, and they don't really know you, then ask yourself if you are simply narcissistic supply for this person?

15. Be careful of being the counselor or counselee. I have to avoid the trap of seeking counseling and too much help from friends. I don't mind counseling friends but then if someone is calling you everyday 5-6 times a day where you are ready to send them a therapy bill, then rethink things there.

16. If people assault your values, or tell you that you must be silent about your beliefs or they ban discussions of certain topics, it is time to walk. They don't respect you. I don't expect everyone to agree with me about everything either. With the toxic, many expect 100% agreement to earn their respect. It's a waste of time. A subset here, is when you bring issues up or talk about things they flat out ignore and change the subject as if you were talking to a wall.

17. If they share nothing of themselves and you realize you have told them so much about yourself while you barely know anything, then wake up in that case too. My NM withheld her whole life about everything except telling me to clean or criticizing.

18. Watch out for love-bombers. Many will come on fast, and compliment you and tell you how wonderful you are. Good friends will compliment you too, but in their cases it lasts. Many a narcissist and sociopath set up is done with extreme love bombing. False churches and cults use love bombing to get people in the door.

19. Ask yourself, "How does this person treat me when other people are there?" If they disrespect you or avoid you in front of other people be careful. This is a red flag I ignored YEARS ago with one ex-friend. She almost seemed to act like she did not know me in crowded public rooms. If a friend betrays you in mixed company online or in real life this is another red flag that something is not right. If they make jokes about you in front of other people, get away from them.

20. Do they enjoy things? People who never enjoy anything or have no hobbies, that is something to watch out for. Life as a cold austerity plan sucks. Some of those types only care about work and competition.

21. Will they eat your food? If the answer is No, be careful. They be a narcissistic  someone of an upper class who sees you as riff-raff for having a less then new kitchen.

22. Do they tell you constantly what to feel or to say or do or not do? Then you are dealing with a controller. Of course all friends offer advice, but here, be careful of those who tell you what to do all the time. When that starts, they are already not satisfied, and can't be.

23. Do they tell you to deny reality or preach the positivity gospel at any cost? Do they tell you that a miracle is always one prayer away or all your problems will be solved if you just have enough faith? Run. They will damage your relationship with God selling you false Disney land narcissistic dreams.

24. Are they so much into sports nothing else exists? If someone loves the Cubs or goes to see the Yankees that's great, but sports obsession is something else.

25. Do they constantly criticize others?  Run there too.

26. Are they a workaholic always putting work and aspirations first and foremost? If you visit someone and the visit from out of town was planned for weeks, and they spend nearly hour working on a work project instead of focusing on your visit, then that is time to wake up too.

27. Do they only call when they need something and otherwise ignore you.

28. Are they mean to wait staff?  If they argue with waitresses like my Dad did because there is one too few ice-cubes in their drink I am gone.

29. Do they growl at children and kick dogs? I don't have animals but people who are mean to animals, run! Do they have road rage? Every male narc in my family had such intense road rage, steam would come out of their ears. Do they drive like a bat out of hell and like every other driver is in their way?

30. Do they seem to revel in the misfortunes of others, glorying in Betty's cancer, or Charlie's bankruptcy? If the whole attitude is , "Oh boy" instead of "Poor Betty or Charlie". Watch out.

31. Do they hate poor people? Do they practice social Darwinism believing that poor and old people should go die in the gutter?

32. Do they respect you? If they do not or you even suspect there is no respect. Pay attention!

No one is perfect including me, but I am developing a list in my head of WHAT to avoid and red flags to avoid in would-be predators. Maybe you can add to this list too.

Most People with Normal Families will Never Get It

One rule an ACON has to learn and pretty fast, is the only people who will get this whole narcissism thing, are other ACONs and those who have gone through what we have. We have to learn to drawn boundaries because this abuse thing is so complicated. More secrets make us sick and having our speech censored sucks but we have to protect ourselves. I have adopted the strategy of implying I simply have no family of origin, as if they all died, instead of getting into the whole sordid tale with newbies who ask questions. Narcissism is bad enough but how do you explain complete sociopathy or that your mother hated you from day one? It's better to keep your mouth shut in some settings.

While every family has faults, normal people cannot conceive of families that operate like this and where people are not loved. People see those who do not have good relationships with their families as toxic. If you are thrown away by your family, many "normal" people will consider it "your fault" and that there must be something "wrong" with you to have something like this happen. They think you drank, drugged and fought your way into rejection. At churches, people always ask about your family and that can be difficult. One day I had an Aspie moment, and just said, "I have no family!" which put me on the weirdo roster immediately. The less you say among the "normal set" the better. Otherwise some may think you are a nutjob.

The outside world just does not understand how these people operate. The ex-friend chided me for being "unforgiving", and seemed to have this idea, that if I went to go talk things out with all the members of my family, that bygones would become bygones. Such an idea is ludicrous. There is no "talking" things out with narcissists or sociopaths. That simply does not happen and you open yourself as being vulnerable, when you do. How many times did we all try to "talk" it out begging them to see the light and for them to acknowledge how they have hurt us? Many of us have spent years doing so with a litany of emails, cards and  more.  Mine writes basically like OJ Simpson in every card to me, "I didn't do it.". This is not someone who is ever going to admit any wrong-doing or question her own assumed superiority. I will be banging my head on the wall forever more to try and "work" out anything with that person.

Counseling is a fore-gone conclusion and can be dangerous with someone high enough on the narcissistic or psychopath spectrum especially if they succeed in bamboozling the counselor or if a counselor with narcissistic tendencies enters the mix. Most narcissists would play "nice" and "fake it" for the sake of the counselors. Sadly as many ACONs attest, most counselors who have had normal families and never been through this type of abuse, do not understand the dynamics. I had some good counselors but then any who did not understand the dynamics of abuse, I simply could not connect with. I felt judged. Anyone who has been with a counselor tricked and manipulated by a narcissist within a family court system or other court-ordered counseling, knows what hell is. It is rare one ever enters a counseling office unless ordered to.

ACONs are shamed by the outside world for not loving their families. For years many of us will be told to love our narcissists and abusers and if we do not, that we are cold horrible people. Love comes natural to normal families where there is true sharing and relationships.  When it comes to people with normal loving families, I've tried to put myself in their heads watching from afar. Their families really are places of love, solace and fond memories for them. What stands out to me is how they are treated like they matter and are important. They are listened to and validated. Even if there are disagreements, it's not winner takes all and revenge tactics between those who are in a debate.

People with loving families don't understand that this doesn't happen for all. Even the basic things of loyalty or visiting someone sick while in the hospital was lost for us ACONS. When someone does not love their parents, they are called out as being a horrible person and told they are "not right in the head". Teachers will shame students who will say "Mommy and Daddy do not love me." instead of getting to the root of the cause and listening to an abused student. What does loving people that abuse you do but create more self-loathing? Many of us are familiar with the guilt imposed for not having these normal loving relationships. "What is wrong with you?" people will ask. Sadly here the victims of abuse can earn more censure and put-downs.

One thing that happens is people are scared  by what happened to us. Even the fact that a little baby can end up with a mother that hates it, freaks people out for good reason. They can't deal with and often they just want to shut it and you out of their minds. The idea of parents plotting to destroy a young adult child is frightening. Their minds close these things out because they are too awful to contemplate. There is a major risk of a person who has not faced horrendous abuse, closing you the ACON out if you disclose too soon. Some will lack the ability to handle your tales of abuse.

Many ACONS who still live in the same town as their abusers, often will face the problem of not being believed. I disclosed to three old classmates, a couple who had their own stories of abuse to share and was told that my parents, appeared as very "nice" people. One old friend and classmate told me that my family seemed "close-knit". The public images the narcissists will weave do work, and they will appear as "nice" people to the outside world. Another old high school friend who used to be friends with my sister, I described to her how I was abused behind the scenes as she was friendly with my parents. Her and her own mother were deeply close. She was around me long enough to know something was wrong even if she could not put her finger on it. One irony with her is my parents once called her their "other daughter". My old school mates, told me that I was very quiet and extremely withdrawn in high school. This pairs with my own memories.

I was fortunate these people all believed me but it was a long time in coming. It also made me realize how absolutely silent I was about all my abuse until I was away at college. I wasn't even telling friends I was abused in high school except the very closest. The fear factor alone kept all that inside. Around the narcissists until I lived long distance, their public face was definitely winning the day.

Today, my close friends find out with time, but there is a long list of "happy acquaintances" where I have said absolutely nothing. When one is middle aged, it is seen as odd to talk about childhood abuse. We are old enough supposedly to have found "ourselves" and gotten our life together. A few outer circle friends, get to hear a watered down version, where I just say there is estrangement. As an Aspie I had to learn the social rules, in what I told people, and that circle grew tighter and tighter. Even sharing that one is no contact with their entire family is risky unless it is a very close friend and even there be careful it is someone with the context to understand.

Another thing people will say to you is "You need to get over your childhood!" and "forgive your parents and relatives." There is no explaining to those people how the abuse continued far beyond childhood even into one's forties or what it is to sit in a room among relatives that mock you with derision. One thought I had is how I was treated like an absolute child until I was 44 years old and went no contact. One horrible thing about being so poor, is this feeling of never obtaining a proper adulthood, it burdens me everyday.

 Maturity melts when one doesn't have the right money to be a "good adult" but that was no excuse for the fact my mother talked to me for eternity like I was five years old. Most relationships in good families mature with age. The older adults, are treating middle aged adults like they are grown up. It was disgusting that here I am with gray hair, and using a walker, and almost ready for the senior center or the PACE program [a day program for the elderly disabled] and being talked to like I was a child by my mother. Sometimes I have this odd thought, that I am the only sibling who actually grew up in my family. My sister and brother are still both scared of my mother even though their degree of financial independence is higher especially in my sister's case and still living according to her edicts.

The rest have been forced into permanent childhood via my mother. I'm broke, and barely able to take care of myself in the financial sense, and on social security but I finally only answer to myself, husband and God. Some scapegoats in narcissstic families are kept in a place of suspended animation and never allowed to mature. Here Aunt Scapegoat is an example. She was always taken care of and never left home ever even living next door to my grandmother in a broken down trailer into her 50s. She never has been "on her own" in any adult capacity. As narcissists and sociopaths break down people sending them into depression, they successfully thwart their growth.

 It is strange, I keep having new memories coming back. One new memory came back to me, it's funny how much I blocked out, and this was before I hit my twenties and stood up for myself, but I remembered moments of laughter in my mother's family when I was visiting my grandmother's house and how often they would make me the center of jokes. Some would say to me, when I burst out into Aspie tears or got angry leaving the room, "We are not laughing at you, we are laughing with you" but I knew the laughter was directed at me.  I was often made the butt of jokes.

Abuse can continue late into adulthood. Some of us end the overt abuse where we stand up against insults or walk out of the room and drive away but it does not end the covert abuse and continuing abuses for decades. There are times now two years into no contact where I wonder why I put up with so much abuse? I have forgiven myself for it but am upset at my silence during her overt sociopathic displays. Why didn't I say anything? I was so afraid to.

I had a weird moment the other day when the oil light came on the car. Our dipstick is not working any longer to show the car's true level of oil since there is a leak, and we put more oil in the car immediately and it was okay. We change it often enough too to keep track of where it is at.  I kept thinking how when I was in contact with my narcissists, how one car slip-up or break-down mean endless abuse. I was relieved thinking now I no longer have to explain myself to those people. Those who want us to "forgive and forget" childhood, don't get the fact most ACONs did, and then got steam-rolled over as adults. To go back to being treated like a worm and like a brat that never grew up, would be to destroy myself completely. I could end stuck on the bus, but now I only have to worry about answering to myself.

Those of us who walk away often are seen as monsters by a world that does not get it.  "How can you walk away from your whole family?" "What is wrong with you?" They don't get in many cases, we were abandoned long ago and that in many cases the narcissists just kept us around enough for the narcissists to keep track of us. I have had to face the facts, my family does not care about me and I will never see any of them again in person even the ones I am low contact with. My few low contact relationships are ebbing away with time. Even on a social website, they are all talking to my mother and ignoring me more and more.  How many times can a person reach out only to get slapped back? There were so many ignored cards and emails. The one niece did write me back but even there I feel the separation of the future as the others turn her against me.

Sometimes it felt like a kick in the gut every time some of the people around here including the ex-friend would talk about their families. I had to learn to rein that in and not let envy ruin relationships. I would rather no one suffer what ACONs have.  They had a cousin, sibling, or other family member around them it seemed at every moment. They were part of each others lives, I was long forgotten about. We can't begrudge people having things we missed out on, but I wish I had been wise enough to realize someone that had such a loving and close family, was not going to have any understanding for me.  Some may try to have empathy for us but they lack the ability to understand. Some of the people who don't get it mean well but because their experiences were so different where they had loving parents, they just are unable to. People who post memes like these, just do not understand our experiences.

Here ACONs need to protect themselves. I learned to be quiet and only share my pain of abuse with a support group, on this blog and with close friends. Even with the friends you choose to share it with, be careful. If they are someone who has never gone through abuse, they may not get what you are talking about. We have to avoid those with narcissistic tendencies, who may use the vulnerablity of exposing past abuse to hurt us. Don't show your blog even to a friend of 4 years  [now ex-friend] who never has been abused. I made a giant social faux paus there. Avoid anyone who tells you that you are "unforgiving" or that you "ruminate" too much, or that you are a horrible person for having nothing to do with your family. Protect yourself too, and realize that in some cases with these issues, the less some people know the better. At the same time though, do not be hard on yourself. We spent enough of our life being shamed by others and being told what to say and think.  Our days of having to explain ourselves to narcissists and others are over. Protect yourself but don't blame yourself. We don't have to be the narcissists whisperers and we aren't responsible for educating every person on the planet, some of whom refuse to learn.


Update 2019: I deconverted --the thoughts pertaining to God here and in the comments are different today. In conservative religious circles, the family rules even more so Also the "other daughter" friend  mentioned above chose the narcs too and betrayed me: 
http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2016/05/my-mothers-second-daughter.html