Nerds

I never did the gaming but definitely would have fit the criteria of a girl "nerd". I was/am a bookworm extraordinarie, with poor social skills. I am the "nerd" of the fat bloggers world, being so eccentric. Being a 500lb "nerd", yeah thats a double and triple whammy, if you are fat and can't navigate socially life gets very entertaining. They should have included a few girl "nerds" in this sketch...This may surprise a few but I am a major Portlandia fan, I lived in other forms of Portland...LOL Otherwise, I found this very amusing....

Sad.

This is how I feel lately:

I just can't take anymore.

Last night husband came in and told me someone smacked into our car and created a giant dent in it and a door that won't close. I just had stayed out of the hospital, just barely all week. Even now I feel some stirring of pain but hoping it will leave me be, please no more nausea. This was the last thing I needed. The door won't close on the car, and another stupid "in a hurry" senseless yuppie, makes my life miserable. I suppose it could have been worse, husband could have gotten injured or worse, but now it just increases my worry quotient and there is so much to worry about. Even that day, I said, "Don't go out, you run too many errands". A $4,000 dollar tax bill, getting dug deeper from husband's freelance employment--you all don't want to know what tax rate, they expect for the self-employed even if you are among the food pantry set ping pongs in my brain along with other worries that seem to never end. Will I crack up? It remains to be seen.

The car was insured, but then think more bills, more trouble, and I feel that fear that presses around my head, and heart, the kind that poverty and it's problems always brings to the door.

I wish I was a happier, "more positive" person, all the things people tell me I should be and which lately I am failing to be whether I am to blame or not. Yeah I have failed at being JOLLY to the max. Functional adulthood has eluded me and being deep into middle aged years, you know that is a lost cause. Trust me I am sad about this, and it feels like something else that I have failed "to do". Other cultures at least you can admit "life sucks" without clucking tongues, and being told it's because you are a bad person. Life sucks! There I said it.

My religious faith tells me, that I am to believe life has meaning and Romans 8:28 that all things work together for good to them that love God. Right now my life seems to be nothing but Drudge, Pain, Nausea, Worry, Sadness, Grief and worrying about when the other shoe may drop on my head or what it will include. If you were me and felt your guts wrench over a series of days, and saw your household implode for years and so many friends die, I think you'd be sad too. Why lie to God? He obviously knows what I have suffered recently.

Fun is in very short supply. Very short. I miss too many people. I haven't had a day trip for fun in 2 years. I haven't been on a real vacation as adult. I am lonely. I am housebound. My apartment is a mess and motivation to clean it up to the degree I have only comes from health needs and fear of the landlord getting angry at me.  Of course who wants to clean while puking their guts out?  I need a vacation, some sun, smiles, shopping for fun, some new stamps, a car that works, a body that works, no more money worries, stability, to see my old town, to see some old friends, to go somewhere, to feel like life has some meaning again. I don't care about being "responsible", lack of money makes you fail at it anyhow. I want some SMILES, I WANT SOME FUN.

One looks at their life and sees it as this patchwork of pain, and you get thoughts like you want to "run away". Why continue to compete in a contest you already have lost in? Modern American culture where you not only slid down the ladder but fell off the stupid thing. Maybe I shouldn't have read that book this week about the rich actor who escaped to Italy and got to spend time puttering in his garden, eating food that actually had taste and other vistas of a slow life that mattered.

My marriage is happy enough, though definitely the stress has not helped, but I wonder what the husband thinks of my muttered fantasies about selling everything off, and becoming a bum with no more bills to worry about,  and going some place warm right now on Greyhound.  The other day, I even said, "Let's sell everything off and buy plane tickets and get out of here!"  He says, "You are too sick to do any of it, you know it and why are you talking this way?" Things are not good when you fantasize about running away from your own crummy life. Course does the geographic cure ever work? I couldn't shake the body. I told him, if I am about to die, I want to go somewhere. He thinks I have gone mad and "over-reacting" and tells me, "you need to calm down!" 

I am feeling crushed lately, like life has become nothing but trouble, and suffering.Am I a whiner?
Perhaps I am. Maybe I am just wore out. Who do I inform? Ah, I wish I had fun times to write to you about here. Where I could post pictures of fun, and doing stuff, and my new shoes, and stickers and flowers, and a trip somewhere. I can think of many things that would put a smile on my face right now, but that remain out of reach. If my car can't be fixed, that means even more of the prison doors slamming shut.

I wish they had rest cures like they did in old days, can't afford one anyway. I want time away from looking at this mess, I wouldn't mind someone bringing me a cup of tea and telling me everything is going to be alright. I have good friends who been so helpful and are very kind people but I sometimes wonder how on earth did I become such a mess and why do I feel like I fail at fixing anything? Why can't I get it together? Please don't tell me "Be positive", it just feels like another condemnation. I just need to have some FUN and HAPPINESS instead of worry and illness. I am worn out. 

Weight Loss Surgery: A Medical "Treatment" Based on Hate?

Life saving weight loss surgery claims another

I remember seeing this woman on a TV show and wondering if she had something medically wrong with her causing her weight. She had all these daughters taking care of her as she was bed bound. I felt sorry for her, her weight was severe and she could not walk. I can't imagine the hell that would put someone through. At least I can pace around a bit as the grim reaper decides to play hockey with my body.

The doctors would show up and tell her to diet. You know the usual drill, "fatty you are eating too much, blah blah blah.", that stuff that never works. Some would cluck their tongues and shake their heads and say the usual crud with the shame games. I kept thinking "Why on earth would they think that would work?" I do think she definitely needed to go off the sugar sodas. Even the diet soda stuff will kill you.

I didn't know enough if she had a bonifide eating disorder, they did show her eating a lot of gross fried foods, in vast quantities or if something else was wrong. Course it being TV, I bet if I got on TV, they'd probably bring me a huge chicken and tell me to gnaw at it for the cameras or something. In her case, I'd go with a combination just from the little I saw. Even if she has an eating disorder, there are the satiety disorders and such the medicos ignore. No one gets to 700-800lbs when a body is working RIGHT!

I was on an antibiotic that destroys all gut flora, so I am going on probotics and taking it day by day. Things are NOT breaking down at ALL. Yes that is gross, but it's the truth.

What is scary is some of my earlier doctors suggested weight loss surgery, see below. I am not sure if this is a case of "we have nothing else" to offer you, because otherwise they admit me having metabolic problems, but maybe I should print this off and let them read it. Anyhow I wrote this in response to her article on that blog.

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I refuse to get weight loss surgery and I am near 500lbs. What makes me horrified is I suffer from medical problems that it would seem doctors would never push this surgery for, including digestive problems [now diagnosed as severe IBS technically] but includes projectile vomiting and days of bowel pain that necessitates medication] With my food allergies and other problems what would be left to eat?

I will never do WLS, and I am probably what they consider one of the prime candidates...

1. Everything I know about nutrition, adds up to WLS being bad news, and I agree the lack of protein leads to some of these folks having heart attacks so soon after.

2. No decent answers to questions like, "I have serious low blood sugar problems now, how will this NOT happen with weight loss surgery"?

3. No good answers related to my own personal difficulties with endocrine and hormonal illness. I know from times of severe illness when my caloric intake has dropped to lows either from my digestive problems for a week or infections for a longer period of time that no weight has been lost. So why would this work? [As you all know, I am experiencing this now, for instance I ate nothing but half a glass of cranberry juice and half a wheat pita one day]

4. I believe I have MALABSORPTION PROBLEMS NOW. I go anemic all the time, low Vit D to the point of having to take 50,000 units once a week, low B vitamins-from B12 to B3 and other various problems in that arena never having had weight loss surgery.

5. I know so many people who have died from this surgery either on the table or the FIRST year after, I am horrified. This includes a 30 something year old woman at 300lbs who died right on the table, a friend who was near 500lbs and needed a respirator for days right after and then died only some months after, losing only 60-80lbs, but having other health problems including heart ones grow worse and worse, another supersized man in this case dying only a few months later, who had multiple complications and several others including the most severely diabetic person I ever have known, who required amputations AFTER having had weight loss surgery.

I won't do it, I've had enough suffering in this life, That is what I tell the doctors, and I do think there are legions as to the silent of the real results. A few of the healthier types, may lose a first 100 or 150lbs if they are supersized but the regains are intense.

I've had enough digestive problems in life to know its not something you want to mess with. Life stinks when your digestion has checked out.

I saw this woman who only weighed probably around 260lbs who was otherwise healthy and active get this surgery, and saw her mixing a powder with her coffee to just get it down. I shook my head. So much suffering.

 Fat people deserve better then this. Now I am not one of those size acceptance idealogues who denies that weight can affect health, but we need something better. It's like they sat down and thought of the most suffering and torture they could bring to fat people and came up with this.

Yeah I said it.  Has anyone else ever thought this?  And it makes big big money. Think about this tens of thousands of dollars for WLS--what's the average cost, $60,000? half the price of a house, and we don't even have centers that any fat people can afford to go to for help with their weight outside of ones like Duke for the extremely wealthy?

Ponder that one a bit..... I think fat people deserve better.

Sick

I've been sick a lot lately. This time my digestive system has definitely checked out for good. I had two leg infections followed by severe digestive problems, possibly sparked off by the antibiotics, but I have been feeling weak and tired a lot for the last couple of months with my mind dreading all the possibilities. Hey I never claimed this would be a "happy to be fat" blog.

What is scary, is the amount of food intake due to illness has been down to the floor, and well, I am still hugely fat. But then I've asked to be put in the lab for years for them to figure out what is wrong with me and to have the possibility of some medical hope. The last few doctors I've had, have admitted metabolic problems, but could you eat less then 400 calories a day with the most of the intake for the sake of blood sugars and maintain your weight for two weeks?

I suppose I could go to the hospital and say "Find out what is wrong with me" but my track record has not been the best when it comes to the medical world. I'm giving it three days or so, and if I am not better, I will go over there. At least there won't be as much life-risking cold to deal with. There were times, that being able to keep pills down and water was the only line keeping me from going in. At least I am not throwing up as much and the tear-inducing bowel pain is over with from what I can tell.

Hey I don't need weight loss surgery, I'm puking just as much as one of them!

Isn't that what they do to fat people make you sick on purpose to become thin? Hey guys for me it's not working. My bowels do not work anymore. I suppose I should try and find another gastroenterologist, which I dread. Since I was still functional and bowel problems only intermittent 4 years ago, I went with the severe IBS diagnosis and did okay trying to avoid foods I was allergic to. During this time I sought to outrule celiac and went on a gluten free diet and that did not work. Overall I only got sick once a month for a day or two. With all the medications I am on and food allergies, I thought I could handle it. I had a lot of normal days.

I hate food. Most of it is gross. I dread eating. I don't want to eat today. I wish I could eat NOTHING and not end up on the floor. The grocery store is full of cheese and dairy laden, processed to death crap. I live in a health food desert. Yes I am a fat woman with a digestive system that no longer works. What will happen? Will it turn me thin? Well it's not. And that is the strange thing about it all.

Sorry no "healthy and fat" words of encouragement. My advice, if you cross the 250lb mark and leave the plump and hearty but can still move a couch world, do what you can for your health. Don't end up like me. I am tired, scared and worn out.  I am praying a lot. To those like Marilyn Wann, I do not even exist. She will walk by the already dying in their scooters and tell the world how great it is to be fat. What a joke!

This body was a run away freight train from the depths of Hades from the start. I have fought to stay alive all these years, but now I am tired. Does that make sense?

Now I have to dig up 20 bucks somewhere for some probotics, I can afford in a last gasp hope to at least get through the week.  Yeah they have succeeded in destroying people's bowels with their crap food and GMOs. I hope it's not cancer. I can't survive surgery and I do not have the options that normal people have, remember. Well at least I have the strength left to post this.

Ok my doctor just called me, thank goodness, he told me there is a flu epidemic going on in my area and I told him, how I almost ended up in the hospital from throwing up. He thinks the antibiotic I was on and am now off of, caused my intestinal and digestive havoc. I checked my sugar while he was on the phone, it was 144. [probably on rebound since I've been up for three hours and haven't eaten anything or taken any pills] He also told me that Meformin can cause some of the bowel problems. He is a nice guy so glad I was able to talk to him.


Update 1/25: It's kidney stones and they can create havoc with the digestive system too including vomiting and more. The doctors are running more tests, I had them pass two days in a row and analyzing the stones at the lab. 

My response to Marily Wann's Latest: "You Can Be Fat and Fit!"

[cite for picture above]

Big Deal: You Can Be Fat and Fit

I am going to start this with the caveat that there can be people of large sizes and large proportions who certainly can be in great shape, aerobically and otherwise. The large sized weight lifter that made it to the Olympics is probably in better shape then most large people. There are football players, wrestlers and others who play sports at heavier and larger sizes. There are many midsized people who do enjoy sports, dancing and active living. All the best to them. Stay as active as you can and enjoy life as much as you can no matter your size. A lot of people MY size are totally bedbound, the housebound doctors have told me, so I even say by the grace of God go I. So enjoy but now I must address yet another article that just adds to the pile of confusion out there. Are there Healthy smaller fat people? Sure. Are the scientists finding proof, that one doesn't have to be a skinny-minny to be "healthy" and when it comes to some problems like pneumonia that it actually may be a detriment...Sure.

But newsflash....this is up to a certain point. In most cases dependent on height, up to the mid-200s line.

Over 300lbs for most people, the breathing is affected, movement is affected and more. I mean how far does the delusion have to go and the active denials? Sad to say this one even made it to mainstream media on CNN

Marilyn Wann states in the article...

"Another recent study found people who were "metabolically healthy" and overweight or obese had no higher death risk than metabolically healthy "normal" weight people."

How many fat people are "metabolically healthy"? That would be an interesting question to ask especially for the supersized given the very idea of metabolism has been set aside by the diet industry. I obviously am NOT metabolically healthy. Though would they say someone at a supersized weight who suffers from eating disorders which has led them to a high weight is? I am a bit confused by that study and doubt it applies to those in the super-sized weight categories.

Wann continues:

"I take an interest in the topic because I'm fat and because I don't have a death wish. I'm also interested because, like so many fat people, I've encountered weight discrimination when I seek routine medical care. I was 26 years old when I was denied the right to purchase health insurance. I had no significant history of illness or injury. I was just fat. That day, I became a fat rights activist."

What is this talk about a "death wish"? I often have pondered what if Wann did get ill? It is strange to me I am still hearing the same lines written in the mid 1990s. Most women her age, she is two years older then me which makes her 46, are starting to face some health problems, that includes THIN women. Most of my friends who have hit the age of 40 or over have dealt with at least ONE health issue that took some degree of comprehensive health care. She seems to have a very strong Baby Boomer ethos rather then that of a Generation Xer with a whole "we are going to live forever" theme to it.

Does illness as a fat person mean having a "death wish" or that you did something wrong? This is the "healthism" stuff I've mentioned in passing.  One ponders this. And who cares if she had some history of injury or illness? Should anyone who hasn't been there think anything less of anyone who has? Should one give out medals to those blessed with good genetics and good fortune in avoiding car accidents, thyroid issues, some arthritis,  a hole in the snow to trip in, or a cup of too hot of coffee spilling on the leg? She is right about weight discrimination in the medical arena, I certainly have explored that issue myself. She is also correct about the non availability of medical equipment but should the response of the fat be an enforced smiles, "we aren't that sick anyhow" response? Or demanding that some changes be made to the above? Yes too much blaming the fat happens and weight loss techniques like WLS that fail and maim and all the biases!  But what if I said to Marilyn Wann, fat is often the RESULT of illness a symptom in itself, that is where size activists who believe the way she does, refuse to get on board. She continues in the article to praise HAES which I of course disagree with. She talks about those living to 65. Long-lived society?, actually the lifespans in America are dropping.

"Here's a finding from the recent research that didn't make the headlines: For people over 65, being fat wasn't associated with increased risk, not even for the fattest old people. When do most people die, in our increasingly long-lived society? Over age 65, perhaps?"

This part of her article really disturbed me though....

"I also learned this week that a highly accurate way to predict a person's risk of dying is to see how easily they can get up from the floor. I'm trying to imagine how different our health care system would be if, instead of focusing on weight and weight loss, caregivers did the sitting-rising test instead."

How many supersized especially extremely super-sized people can get off the floor? I fail this test massively. Why? I fell down twice and know I cannot get off the floor. I was stuck and it was terrifying both times, and in one case, needed three grown men to help get me up to the place where I could finish the job in getting up all the way. Wann seems to have this edge to her articles where someone being sick, is enough to prove them wrong or "bad". That one would be an interesting sociological study and essay. We live in a society now where sick equals someone is "bad", instead of just with the admittance of the natural flow of things on this earth. Why must caregivers do the sitting-rising test? That one confused me. Okay my thin doctor gets down on the ground and gets up? So what? They probably can go camping and other things I miss. What does that prove? Did she think this one through?

With my failures to get off the floor, at least I was saved the medical bills from calling the paramedics to bring me to a standing position. My first fall I wrote about and the second one I had only weeks later, and at that point switched to a walker due to my balance issues. Since this summer there hasn't been any more falls. For years, due to youth, and after my initial weight loss from the massive weight gain, I did practice getting on the floor and then getting up, to make sure I still "could" but I lost the ability with time anyway, and remember in my case, I am not bedbound and tried to stay as active as I could including physical therapy. So what does that test say to fat people but hey you midsized people who can still get down on the floor and play with your puppy or your kids or scrub a spot on the floor are okay and those of you whose weight has become too heavy for you to lift off the floor are not? Is she living in reality here?

Hey I could take some of these edicts from on high if she did admit, "OK I am talking for smaller sized fat people here, I know you supersized or in my case extreme super-sized folks have other concerns" but she does not, she expects the HAES formula to work, and issues a blanket edict of "You Can be Fat and Fit!" Um no..... I am even facing battling a leg infection over the last month, I am not sure what has brought on the reaffirmed battles with leg infections, this time with huge fevers to go along with them, once I hit near 104. Trust me I am sad because I struggled with this for years, having 6-7 of these a year for so long and many times in the hospital, and recently I went almost an entire year without a leg infection in my lymphedema leg and being thrown back into the infection merry-go-round obviously is very frightening to me. I almost have lost my life to this stuff before. What brought it on? I am not sure, and even have the worrying feeling that my intense commitment to a physical therapy and walking program brought these latest infections on despite improved sugars.
Hey I write this blog knowing I live in a society where the prevailing ethos is unless you are healthy and well, [and wealthy in a lot of cases] you aren't worth listening too, but since it's an ethos I reject, I speak out anyway.


Wann continues:

"How much healthier would we be? How much more would we actually enjoy healthy living, free from weight judgment? How much time and money would we save? How much discrimination and human tragedy could we avoid? I'm guessing it'd be tons."

How about just some reality? How about some understanding? How about some size activists admitting that people like me exist? How about telling the truth about weight while at the same time demanding good treatment for fat people and good medical care without shame and hatred even if we are indeed stuck on the floor when we fall down? How about admitting what is going on? 

See:

Health At Every Size? And Healthism in the Size Acceptance Movement"

"Seeing Through the Obesity Lies"