Scary Medical Stuff: Ocular Migraines and More

source:seattleeyecaredoctor

See videos on OCULAR MIGRAINES. I'm too scared to watch any of them. If I see lightening or zig-zags on videos, seriously that can be a trigger. If you want to learn about them, there's information there.

From young adulthood, I had ocular migraines, where one gets flashing lights for about 30 minutes and then a migraine would come. These migraines are very scary. The first sign is being unable to read something. Letters disappear and yes, it is scarier than hell, and you wonder if it's a stroke. There's a blind spot in my vision and it expands to zig zag lights. It lasts for about 20 minutes in my case too like the diagram above shows. Pain comes later. Sometimes light sensitivity will last for DAYS and can be a preceding aura. One day I went out to this local fair, my mobility issues kept me from seeing most of it but some of the animals and other displays and sparkles kept showing up in the sky. Just so everyone here knows, my blood pressure has been running on the low side of normal, so that's not doing any of this. Light sensitivity lasted for days. 

I often have auras, these auras can consist of crying for no reason, once having everything turn green, passing waves of nausea, dizziness  and other horrible stuff. The migraine of two days ago, made me almost puke twice but then I was able to eat later in the day. My migraines have gone through worse periods and less severe periods. They happen more if I push myself.  Just to stay alive lately is pushing myself through fatigue. I'm worried about making dinner on my walker. Even writing this, took forever as I had to shut my eyes multiple times.

Deadlines when as a student triggered them a lot as well as long work hours when I was young. If I see grids or white on black lines, or a flashing light that can be an instant trigger for a migraine. Thankfully they were rare, and they even went away for a few years. They are back and bigger than ever.

I used to get them around would be periods forced by drugs. 

You see I thought OLD AGE was going to cure them. Hmm think again.....

What a joke that was. I used to do things to prevent migraines knowing one was coming by slamming back a giant Pepsi, some caffeine seemed to arrest one, or if was winter running out in the snow. I have put cold water on my face and done all sorts of things to try and stop them. Last week the light problems were so bad, I walked around with sunglasses on indoors. 

It was a rare enough event, that while I could have a lot of them, it was usually only several times a year.

Triggers seem to be:
Bright Lights
Sunny Skies
Too much Screen Time [ironic]
Delaying Lunch or other meals too long 
Aged Cheese
Chocolate--I haven't eaten chocolate in months, or sweets in years to avoid candida
Seeing lightening, flashing lights or grids [real life or on screen]
Heat
Too high humidity
Storms
Fatigue
Low blood sugar--not enough food or a delayed meal

and STRESS!!

I've now have had several in a few week period which is a bit scary.  The light sensitivity and spots in my vision for days preceding one also sucked a few times. The last one I swear was triggered by being on my transcribe phone too much. Sometimes I get dizzy even from the scrolling on that. 

I may have to go see a neurologist if this gets much worse. 

How do I explain to you all how frightening it is to be already deaf, and then unable to see properly at the same time. Last week I had to tell my husband, "I can't see good enough to know what you are saying?" I couldn't see the letters on my transcribe phone! He was driving me home quick as one of these migraines came on.

My weight is going down a bit and sugars have been great, but medically, the fatigue is BAD. I haven't gone to the Senior Center in a long time, both of us just too tired. I've done a few fun art activities and things with friends, but outside of that I'm in bed a lot. Soon I see physical therapists for the pelvic problems. There is a new problem with extreme ear ringing, it's always been bad but has worsened. 

Hmm stage 3 now? It has to be. 

There needs to be research done about late stage Meniere's. My ears have always rung and it always was in the background but I was used to it, now it's gotten loud enough beyond the "stay in the background" stage. This is a new issue I have to address. They are bothering me now, as I write this. One ear has a high pitched whine in it and the other a loud continuous loud hum, think of a refrigerator but upped by 1000 times, with some thunder notes behind it. Is the ear ringing affecting the headaches? 

The fatigue is bad as ever and seems worsening, it's a sleepiness that always seems ever present. I'm using my CPAP as always and my sleep scores are tracked, and there's very few incidents so don't think it's my sleep apnea. I just feel tired. Maybe I need to see if this is influencing the headaches and other symptoms. The mouth sores and other lupus related crud seems never ending. My forehead is a mess. I took pictures of how bad I broke out a few times to show doctors. The migraines seem to be worse with these symptoms. I told doctors, I read that candida is worse from lupus related diseases but they just kind of ignore me. Maybe they don't think there is anything they can do. 

Later I am going to write about weather warfare, that's going to be a longer article, but it will take me some time to write while fighting with my body.  When you are forced to stay home from your dentist appointment because you fear dying, life has gotten hard. That day the real feel was 107 degrees. I didn't even attempt it. It is always humid here too every single day--more on that later, but the above 70 percent humidity seems to do damage to my body too, even if I go out in 78 degrees. My northern state always seems hotter than hell. 

If you get headaches like this, how did you deal with it, does anyone relate to this or has anyone here had extreme ear ringing? Any advice I will take. This stuff is definitely impacting daily life. 

"The Dangers of Belonging"

 This video is an interesting one, since he talks about the "dangers of belonging". He also talks about those who keep their real views secret and those who feel lonely in a crowd. That's a theme I've addressed on this blog multiple times. 

 There's an age you get to where you just get tired of trying to fit yourself in other people's boxes and just don't feel like doing it anymore. That happened to me. Some of us may have a few friends, but are semi-recluses. We are tired. Maybe you get smarter about things and know "trying" so much just sucks up energy. Invest energy in those you can be yourself around even if it's fewer people. 

I relate to this guy too who tells people  "Stay Inside". There are those warnings now as society falls apart. Don't go looking for trouble. A lot of people are not doing well lately. Find your peace and safety! One guy told him, "You need to go outside more, don't live in fear!" One needs balance. If one lives in a rough neighborhood, advice like this would be more imperative. I've been there.

Some groups are fine and there's still some I belong to like my art club but in art you are allowed to be more of an individual, maybe that's why it works.

 There is loneliness if you are around people who expect conformity and obedience. This is what I started to hate about the left, there was this long checklist that you were expected to meet, and if you didn't, you were out. It happens on both sides. Many of us are tired of that. 

The vlogger says "If changing your mind means losing your community, then I think ignoring facts is only part of what you are dealing with than you might be also losing friendships."  Relationships definitely changed for me when people knew I disagreed with certain things and changed my mind about others. We all need to develop being true to ourselves and God too. Truth-tellers don't have an easy time in this world. The Covid debacle was so over the top to me and against every value, I couldn't "go along to get along". There are no regrets in my refusal to accept any of it. 

He's right about the group preferring you when you weren't an individual. Why should I follow ANY group over a cliff? Sometimes I get disturbed, I messed up religion so badly for instance, but then groups I was in were horrifying me, like that church I walked out of that was praising war and preaching the poor deserved to suffer. My beliefs were different at the last church and some of those had changed. That's one hardship, you change, but people aren't ready to accept the "new you". 

There are people you discover where you are just on a different page. Some grow past others. Some discover new things about themselves. Some are ready for something different instead of doing the same thing over and over. Experience is a teacher that brings new views and outlooks.  No contact can change an ACON. There are moral issues and ones about life, we don't see the same way on. I hate gambling so I'm not going to hang out at the casino. I'm a marriage traditionalist so won't be hanging out at the bar flirting. 

Many of us in narcissistic families were never allowed to have our own beliefs or opinions, they were mocked, ignored and reacted to with derision. It took me years to learn the art of disagreement. With narcissists, you were either in or out, aka you had to agree with everything they said! He's right the advice when you are told "Just be yourself." is loaded when "everyone else thinks you're a piece of shit" if you do just that. "Be yourself" was kind of abusive to autistics who could get beaten up just doing that!  I don't have to share everything with everyone. Keeping things light in certain situations is better. However, it's a game changer too as I've mentioned multiple times, to decide to feel and think what you want to feel and think. Don't waste time bowing and scrapping and faking things to people to get them to like you. It is always a waste of time. 

Maybe some of us face the facts that being true to ourselves and God means not following the group, the propaganda. Some of us don't want to "sell out". This doesn't mean go looking for fights. Peace is far more important. One lesson I had to learn is I don't have to share my beliefs with everyone or go looking for debates and fights. Let people believe what they want to, you just don't have to follow it. Stand up against evil as you can or if someone is trying to cross your boundaries or make demands you refuse. There's a point, where you want free of the control, shame and constant feeling of walking on eggshells. 

Maybe losing my entire family just for being me, gave me a certain immunity against social ostracization. The worse has already happened, your name was made into mud. If you've been rejected over and over, yes examine yourself for faults, but also look at who is doing the rejecting and why. If you are weird, you are you, it's not like you are going to wake up and be someone else. That's one other conclusion to come to.  Maybe you are too much for them but let's all stop shrinking ourselves smaller to please others. If I want to do experimental art or spend my time reading books, it doesn't hurt anyone else. 

 He mentions those who have "echo chambers" and how some people are being pushed out, no longer listened to and about the dangers of that stuff. Hey the corporate and money masters, are manipulating society on so many levels now. He's right about people being silenced. It's increased the social problems out there big time. 

He ends with warnings about becoming the loner who lives at the edge of town and having nothing to do with anyone. He is right isolation can be trouble too. I'm too isolated of a person, but some of that is not by choice, without the medical and money problems I'd be out and about far more. I have some friends , but run into people who have no friends.  Cults go looking for the lonely and disenfranchised that want a place to belong. Those of us who had families that rejected us, we can be in danger of always searching for that "belonging". 

Some of his commenters point out how sick this society is, I agree. Maybe the ones of us who reject it are the healthier ones. We are social animals and still need people but considering how toxic and corrupt this society is, that's something to face. 

One guy named dansthemansmial wrote "Unfortunately as a person becomes aware and begins to see the things that everyone else desperate won't, the desire to belong quickly goes out the window. You can only belong if you willingly just go with the herd."

There is that element now, and it's grown stronger. One can't put the horse back in the barn and refuse to see what has already been seen right in front of their face. 

There is something to be said for the fact people are questioning some of this social stuff now. Who am I outside of the group? What is safe to show others? Why do I outgrow groups or end up leaving or struggle with integrity and other issues so much in groups? One asks is it me or them? "To thy own self be true" and follow your conscience is my advice. 

My List of Graphic Novels to Read

            one of my favorite graphic novels, I've read it a few times....

As promised, here is my graphic novels list, this isn't all graphic novels I have read or want to read, there's a space limit here. I decided some years back to just start ordering graphic novels from the interlibrary loan, to save on money. Graphic novels can be expensive, and waiting to read them got old. It's worked well. It's brought reading heaven. No more dull formula fiction, that's how to get old books from the other list too. There are two books on this list, I'm completing now.

One suburban library I hold a card at, does have more graphic novels. One thing that can irritate me about libraries is they will buy tons of graphic novels for young adults and children [I read some of those too] but neglect ordering graphic novels for adults. Maybe my local librarians will get a hint seeing endless ones come in via interlibrary loan!

This blog showed my own "graphic novel".  I want to print more so I can sell more and hope to rerun a new series. "Fat Pat Fights the World".

One major hobby I am involved in is regional zine/booklet illustration, these things are done under my real name. I used to show more art on this blog, but can't anymore since, it's being shown locally. 

 I made a poetry zine too, that's 80 pages long but haven't been able to print yet. One worry I have is they are retiring Publisher, the program I have used for years. If anyone can tell me what program is meant to replace it, this would be very helpful.

This list doesn't include Manga and there's multiple graphic novels in the world beyond these. Real life "slice of life", journalism and non-fiction appeal to me most in graphic novels. 

The highlighted ones are ones that were read already.


My List of Graphic Novels to Read

I Escaped a Chinese Internment Camp Fahmida Azim
Escaping Wars Oliver Kugler
Encounters with Syrian Refugees
Insect Anatomy Julia Rothman
Wildlife Anatomy
Ocean Anatomy
Food Anatomy
Farm Anatomy
Nature Anatomy
Boxset
How We Got By
Work Interviews

What’s Cooking

Ruth Asawa: An Artist Takes Shape. Sam Nikahira

Footnotes in Gaza Joe Sacco
Palestine
Paying the Land
Notes from a Defeatist
The Once and Future Riot
Ghost Stories Whit Taylor
Fetch: How a Bad Dog Brought Me Home Nicole Georges

The Cradle to Grave Domination of American Life Joyce Rice
Nine Gallons #2 Susan Cagle
Searching for Maura Hannah Good
Seeing America By Train
Buried Under Rubble in Gaza
Seek You Kristen Radtke
Imagine Only Wanting This
I was Their American Dream Malaka Gharib
It Won’t Always Be Like This
The Dissidents Derf Backderf
Kent State
My Friend Dahmer [own]
Trashed [own]
True Stories
The Best We Could Do Thi Bui
March Nate Powell
Fun Home Alison Bechdel
The Secret to Superhuman Strength
Are You My Mother?
Spent
Take It as a Compliment Maria Stoian

Other Russias Victoria Lamasko
Rolling Blackouts Sarah Glidden
How to Understand Israel in 60 days or Less
Voices from Nepal Dan Archer
Hungry Ghost Victoria Ying
Andre the Giant Brian “Box” Brown
Persepolis Marjane Satrapi
Notes from a Sick Bed Teresa Brunton
Putin’s Russia: The Rise of a Dictator Darryl Cunningham
American Splendor Harvey Pekar [various own]
Killing and Dying Adrian Tomine
Going into Town Roz Chast
Can’t We Talk about Something More Pleasant?
I Must Be Dreaming
The Party After You Left
Proof of Life On Earth
What I Hate
Mondo Boxo
Lorna
The Two Saddest Kitchens
Bitchy! The Exasperating Existence of Midge McCracken Roberta Gregory [own and multiple comics]
Fatizen Phillip Barragan II

Burma Chronicles Guy Dislisle
Muy Bridge
Jerusalem: Chronicles from the Holy City
Shenzhen: A Travelogue from China
Pyongyang: A Journey in North Korea
Blankets Craig Thompson
Habibi
Ginseng Roots
Various Hate comics/books Peter Bagge
Patience Dan Clowes
Wilson
David Boring
Monica
Ghost World
Eightball [used to own]
Ice Haven
Naturalist Edward Wilson
They Called Us Enemy Takai
The Complete Peanuts [entire series]
In Limbo Deb Lee
Here Richard McGuire
The Diary of Ann Frank-graphic novel
Hidden Systems Dan Nott
Black Cohosh Eagle Valient Brosi

Checked Out Kathy Fricas
Do Admit: The Mitford Sisters and Me Mimi Pond
The Weight Melissa Mendes
Cannon Lee Lei
Stone Fruit
Precious Rubbish Kayla E.
Acting Class Nick Drnaso
Sabrina
Beverly
Building Stories Chris Ware
Rusty Brown
Jimmy Corrigan The Smartest Kid on Earth
Soft City
Monograph
The Big Skinny Carol Lay
Now Endsville
The Job Thing Carol Tyler
 Late Bloomer
Fab4 Mania
Soldier's Heart
The Ephemerata.

My List of Books to Read

the latest book, it was great....

 I wrote this list wanting to get better books from the library and ordering more decent stuff to read via interlibrary loan. This list was written about 18 months ago. The Dune series except the last book and Tolkien's books were read in the last 8 months. There will be some overlap from my 2025 list. I love to read. In my case, being disabled, bad at housework, there is more time to read. Add any books you like too in the comments.

 I was focusing on classics but there were others I added as well.  A few books on the list were read in high school but reading them again as an adult sounded like a good idea. The ideas for what to read came from one good writer friend who is very well versed in literature, a collection of classic books at a small town library, Youtube videos specializing in reading, and following favorite authors of mine like Wally Lamb. 

More books will be added to this list too. 

My list of books to read

[highlighted means I have read it/books marked owned]

Watership Down Richard Adams

The Hitchhikers Galaxy Douglas Adams

The Handmaid’s Tale Margot Atwood

When Things Fall Apart Achebe

Emma Jane Austin

Mansfield Park

Northanger Abbey

Pride and Prejudice

Sense and Sensibility

Another Country

Eugene G Balzac

Oroonoko Behn Aptea

Humboldt’s Gift by Saul Bellow

Ravelstein

The Willows Algeron Blackwood

Ancient Sorceries and Other Stories

Dances with Wolves

The Martian Chronicles Ray Bradbury

Dandelion Wine

The Mists of Avalon

Jane Eyre

Wuthering Heights

Pearl S Buck:

The Good Earth

The Pavilion of Women [own]

Peony [own]

Sons

The Mother

A House Divided

Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Old Creole Days Caleb Carr

The Alienist

Alice in Wonderland Caroll

Willa Cather:

Death Comes to the Archbishop

O Pioneers

The Big Sleep Raymond Chandler

The Awakening

Agatha Christie various

Space Odessey Clarke

Rendezvous Clark

The Moonstone Collins

Steinbeck

East of Eden

The Grapes of Wrath

Cannery Road

Travels with Charley

The Winter of Our Discontent

In Dubious Battle

Sweet Thursday

The Red Pony

Tortilla Flats

The Moon is Down

The Pastures of Heaven

The Wayward Bus

Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Uncle Tom’s Cabin

Gulliver’s Travels

The Joy Luck Club Amy Tan

The Hobbit Tolkien [own]

The Lord of the Rings

The Fellowship of the Rings

The Two Towers

The Return of the King

War and Peace Tolstoy

Anna Karenina [own]

Hard Times by Stud Terkel

Johnny Got His Gun

Fathers and Sons

Rabbit Run John Updike

Rabbit is Rich

Rabbit Redux

Hocus Pocus Vonnegut

Cat’s Cradle

Slaughter House Five

The Invisible Man

The Island of Dr. M

The Time Machine HG Wells

Collected Stories Eudora Welty

The Once and Future King

Bonfire of the Vanities Tom Wolfe

I am Charlotte Simmons

Look Homeward Angel

To the Lighthouse Virginia Wolfe

Native Son Richard Wright

The Short Stories of Frank Yerby

A Confederacy of Dunces

Mere Christianity CS Lewis

Sickness Unto Death Kierkegaard

The Mill on the Floss

Silas Marner George Eliot

Like Water for Chocolate

Soldiers Pay

The Sound and Fury

Giant

The Beautiful and the Damned

The Great Gatsby

This side of Paradise

Madame Bovary

Casino Ian Fleming

Moonraker

Live and Let Die

Mr. Midshipman

Lonesome Dove

A Message to India Forester

The Forsythe Sage Galsworthy

The Count of Monte Cristo

Catch-22 Jospeh Heller

One Hundred Years of Solitude

Wives and Daughters Elizabeth Gaskell

Cranford

The Yellow Wallpaper Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Dead Souls Gogol

The Nose

Princess Bride

Marathon Man Goldman

The Tin Drum Guter Grass

The End of an Affair Graham Greene

The Quiet Americans

Far From the Maddening Crowd Thomas Hardy

The Mayor of Galesbridge

Tess of the D’Urberville’s

Legends Jim Harrison

The House of the Seven Gables Nathan Hawthorne

The Scarlet Letter

A Stranger in a Strange Land Heinlein

For Whom The Bell Tolls Hemingway

The Old Man and the Sea

True at First Light

Siddhartha Hesse

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Brave New World

The Return of the Day

The Portrait of a Lady

The Turn of the Screw

Three Men in a Boat

From Here to Eternity

Dubliners Joyce

Ulyssess

Shogun

On the Road Jack Kevoac

One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest Ken Kesey

Fahrenheit 451 [own]

Dune

Dune Messiah

Children of Dune

God Emperor of Dune

Heretics of Dune

Chapter House Dune

Flowers for Algineron.

Darkness at Noon

The Mood Sinclair Lewis

Babbit

It Can Happen Here

The Room

Moby Dick

Tales of South Pacific James Michener

Centennial

Tropic of Cancer

A Canticle for Lebonitz

Sula Toni Morris

Animal Farm Orwell

I am not Your Negro James Baldwin

Free to Choose

Ten Acres Enough

Leaves of Grass Whitman

The Moviegoer  Percy

Walden

Go Tell the Bees I am Gone [latest Outlander book-read all the others]

The Mysteries of Paris Smith

Nicholas Nickelby

The Eighth Life

The River is Waiting Wally Lamb

You Don’t Know Me

Couldn’t Keep It to Myself

I’ll Fly Away

Taiko Eiji Yoshikawa

Underworld DeLillo

The Ghost in the Machine

Hard Rain Falling Don Carpenter

The Tunnel Gass

Love and Terror Hendrick

Wild Swans [own]

The Man with the Golden Arm

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee

The Spirit of Crazy Horse

Cloud Spitting Russell Banks

Tree of Smoke Dennis Johnson

The Origins of Totalitarianism Hannah Arendt

The Ascent to Truth Merton

The Seven Storey Mountain

The Sign of Jonas

The Way of the Pilgrim

Saint Paisos of Mount Athos

Against the Machine Kingsnorth

QuickSand  Larsen

Young Lonigan James T. Farrell

The Young Manhood of Studs Lonigan 

Judgment Day 

A World I Never Made 

No Star Is Lost 

Father and Son 

My Days of Anger 

The Face of Time [and other books]

Super Old Lady Bugs Old Lady to Get Back in Line!

 

                 All of this meme is very accurate, the hoovering is about portraying herself as "abandoned victim" who "tried" 

This may surprise everyone but after almost 13-14 years of being gone, I am still hoovered! Hoovering is when an ex-scapegoat goes no contact, and the narcissists or other abusers try to "suck" them back into the morass. I didn't post for some years about various hoovering attempts, it was better to ignore them. I decided to stop writing about it on here to ignore them more. I decided to write this so I can tell people that this can continue very late in the game and to warn others. There were multiple attempts. She sent a few cards that went to the wrong address, and there was the event I describe below, but the last phone calls were in 2015 until the month of May with the "anniversary call", this week, we got multiple phone calls. 

Outside of one cousin who called me to tell me he was divorced, I haven't heard from any other family member in almost 10 years. I went no contact with the last of them in 2017. No one has attempted contact, or written a letter or sent a card or gift, or even told me off outside of the one call from the divorced cousin. I wrote all nieces and nephews who were old enough before no contact and asked the one niece to visit me when she could, but none had anything to do with me either. 

This makes it even creepier that she is the ONLY one that has bothered me. Does she control everyone so much, they are scared to contact the only one who got away? She had turned most of them against me or distance made them no longer interested. Well we really have no relationships. I don't have a relationship with her, so why bother me?

 Somehow she found our number. The phone is shut off today, he may get it back on. Later he told me it may need a repair and wasn't shut off.  Maybe she will call it while it's off and think we have moved. I hope so.

This is the landline he uses for work, we debate shutting off for good but he has kept it for work. They are the double-dipping phone company I mentioned in the last article. She called me 4 times in 24 hours according to Caller ID. I've been gone so long, she doesn't even know I am deaf, and can't hear the phone ring. She is really old so I was surprised she wasn't in the nursing home. It was a residential number. 

In 2023 my name was in a local paper [not her town] for a hobby related event and she showed up. I wasn't there. She scared the people there, so much so they shared her picture around and said "Watch out for this woman!". This had to do with strange things she said.

This event was a positive in my life, and she sought to undermine me. She said double-talk stuff to insult me. It was so over the top, I wondered if she was losing it back then! It was kind of like a repeat of the book contest as a child. Ex-Scapegoat gets positive attention, and she has to come run and mess it up and try to turn people against the ex-scapegoat. This failed thankfully in this case, as I had some smart and truly kind people around me who believed me. I never had contact with her even during all this, but I was put in the position to warn others about her! I never wrote about this event, because I wanted to focus on the positive things at the time. It still is mostly a fond memory.

After this she seemed to retreat some, there was only a yearly card, I thought, "Well she's moved on". I never broke contact, or contacted her or anyone else. What was there to say? I said it all in my no contact letter. Sure, for years I had fantasies of tell-offs, but I already lost enough tell-off times where she simply didn't care. What is interesting in my no contact letter I told her, she could write me and if she actually talked to me, I may respond. I never had been talked to in any real way in my entire life by this woman. My expectation was that it never would happen and it did not. That email was emptied out this year. Thankfully I stored some needed correspondence elsewhere. I neglected it so much in the last few years. I still have the address but was annoyed they erased all my emails the last time I was there. [Hmm add that to the bad companies list, no one told me]

from my no contact letter:

" You can email me if you choose and actually start talking to me if you choose, otherwise I have to keep trying to work on my health and trying to find/bring happiness among people I feel good around."

So if some estranged parents want to whine and cry about their no contact adult children who leave no way to contact them, I left the door open a teeny crack. No email was ever written. That's the interesting thing about my egg donor and her personality structure. Her number one rule is "Never open up". I've talked about over the years, some of my analysis of her. How she never showed vulnerability or fear in her entire life and was incapable of introspection or even emotions that normal humans have like nostalgia. There truly was nothing to work with there. Absolutely nothing! When your mother is your first bully, often that's an archenemy formed for life until you escape. 

It's troubling to me, because while I write about ACON stuff here, it will be naturally brought up more. I am glad I can talk about some of the crazy stuff here too. Writing it all down does help me try to make sense of the insanity.  This blog does get very good traffic, and I hope it has helped others dealing with these issues all these years. There's been over 4 and half million views of this blog over the years. The monthly numbers are pretty good. I don't make money here, it's just writing I like doing, in bed from time to time, but I hope there's other ACONS and supersized people I have helped over the years. 

In real life, I just went on, and well, you are focused on other things and don't want reminded of the past or have someone pop up who you used to be afraid of like a monster. It feels pathetic to be THIS OLD, and I am almost ready for the senior center, having psycho Mommy track me down. It's weird. She never liked me. When I was still TRYING, I used to ask her to visit me and would go visit her, while being very ill and broke. My brother claimed he even told my sister and mother to stop blowing me off and driving by my apartment without stopping. I don't know if I believe that, he never defended me once in front of my face. Maybe he thought it, but it never happened. 

Some other ACONS claimed on their websites and boards that the narcissists would hunt you down like a dirty dog for the rest of your life unless you moved far away where they didn't know what town you were in. I knew nothing was going to change unless I changed. Thank God for information online years ago to escape this mess.

With the creeps, I had to assume the worse to protect myself and they did fulfill the worse of indifference, hatred, lack of boundaries, disrespect and coldness. Fog and Fantasy time were over, I had to face the truth of their disdain and disrespect for me. As I wrote many times, I realized I never had a family, I didn't lose anything walking away. No contact isn't easy but it had to be done for my own sanity and to stay alive. I had been invisible for years as they told me how "busy" they were over and over. The push and pull of constant "rejection" but being bothered were unusual. 

The weirdness of these attempted contacts are even creepier then. They didn't want me around when I was around. I was left out of endless events, disinvited from family events and parties. She was embarrassed of my weight and refused to be seen in public with me for over 20 years. Here is even one creepier thing, some may ask "Why don't you get the law involved?" She seems to know the harassment laws, hey remember she knows I went to paralegal school, she kept the attempted contacts intermittent enough for me not to pursue those avenues. Sometimes I wouldn't hear anything for a year or 18 months at a time which was just fine by me. The less the better.

 I would think maybe she's finally moved on but she would pop up again like a ground hog on crack. Ground Hog Day would be repeated over and over. I ignore her, and never respond, but she got my husband on the phone in May [no phone calls since 2015!] and he didn't recognize her voice, and was in a bothered mood doing a work project. She continued with the same cold weird lines, she said "Happy Anniversary" in this weird sarcastic tone and hung up him! That line reminded me of the one-line cards that would show up, that basically said nothing or questioned my "perceptions".  I mean it when nothing is really said. Remember when I used to post about her weird cards? Those stopped thankfully but she does not know my address but obviously knows my general area with the phone calls.

Five Hundred Pound Peep: Why is She Wasting Her Time and Stamp?

Five Hundred Pound Peep: She Owns the Family

 I often wanted to move from this area, some can read my old housing posts on here but it didn't work out. I planned to disappear when I moved and leave no trails even to feel more safe. It just didn't pan out. If I had it to do over I would have gone a lot further away when I was young. There are things I like here and medical care I need so be it. 

The odd thing is I don't understand the motives of all this. Maybe those ACONS saying they'd hunt you down like a dirty dog were right. She is very old now. I am getting old. I am not the same person, if I was in a room with any of these people, probably 5 minutes would pass and I would be raising my middle finger and walking out. My husband and I got into this long conversation about the fact we put up with too much crap from people. His family wasn't as severe as mine but there were some negative dynamics there too such as when his father was always making him pay his bills when he was still living at home and charging as much as he could. One example was renting too expensive of a car, when his father's car broke down instead of a more economical one. I said, "We put up with way too much crap!" He nodded. It was something we changed, and we built better boundaries. They probably would be in shock. I wouldn't be the scared scapegoat kissing their ass and patting down everything to 'stay nice", I know what they are now.

 I also don't believe in the system like they do. I would lay down money that my entire family lined up to do Fauci's bidding. Maybe a few Republicans like Uncle Narcissist got angry and quit getting boosters after the first or second dose, but chances are, I'm the only one who said No. I know my brother got it, Trumpster or not from a friend who saw "I got my Covid vaccine" stuff on his Facebook.

By the way, their hatred and rejection of me, will pan out in their lives in other ways, remember Celiac Disease and Lipedema are GENETIC. Many of them do have bad health, and there's at least two young family members who show signs of Lipedema, but no one listened to me about having it. I told all parties when I left including my mother and sister in the no contact letter about Lipedema, but because I was so ignored and invisible, no one will address these medical issues. My mother in all her attempted contacts never mentioned it. Why would she? It puts her abuse of me for being fat in a far different light. She had no empathy or understanding.

Why keep contacting me then?

1. The rest of the family chose her, I am no threat to any of the rest of the relationships in the family. She's the bee knees, and I am long ago forgotten about. We are all strangers. The nieces and nephews want nothing to do with me. I reached out to all before leaving, and asked on niece directly to come visit me when she could. She never did.  Unless they got sick of her crap and exited to stage left, they were all on her team. Many served as enablers to her and always did her bidding. Why bother the "troublemaker" then? I haven't heard from one family member since 2017 except for the divorced cousin and even with the divorced cousin, the phone call was so awkward where he asked nothing about me, I felt like the phone call probably had been ordered by my mother, to make sure I would not strike an alliance with his ex. I barely knew the woman. 

2. Some ACONs especially older ones, talked about how they were manipulated or messed with to take on caretaking for very elderly narcissistic parents. It is often a role scapegoats are manipulated into especially if they do not heal or don't manage to go no contact or escape. I think back to that cousin who told me off and threatened me, the one who went on about my lux life next to the lake and told me I should be sleeping with the fishes.  My life probably is a lot better then hers even being disabled. She was her mother's caretaker for at least 20 years up to the time I left. She probably was a caretaking scapegoat, she worked in a factory and was poor while her brother rose up the union ranks, and had his children marrying multimillionaires. Before I went no contact with them, both of them complained to me, that the newly married nieces and grandchildren who married the multimillionaires were ostracizing them and they didn't even know the address of one.  Anyhow that motive for hoovering would not apply to my situation. 

 I can't caretake anyone. I need caretaking at my level of disability and am barely staying out of the nursing home myself. I am deaf with bad balance on a walker, I can barely walk one fourth of a city block without multiple rests. I'm sick all the time, I dry heaved from a migraine yesterday though I got better later in the day and was able to eat.  I'm not caretaking anyone.

3. She always considered me an embarrassment. I was hidden from friends and others in the community. She told me herself, when I feared I would be homeless soon, "Well, you're not coming here!" and she told me she didn't even want me to move to her town! She refused to be seen in public with me for 20 years due to my severe obesity. Didn't I do her a favor in walking then? It is so strange and psychotic. Why would you "want" someone back in your life you've always hated? Leave me alone!

4. Maybe I have stayed the scapegoat in absentia. The smear campaigns probably reached epic proportions but I wasn't around to know. I cut off even the most obscure family friend. The person who saw my brother's vaxx signs on his Facebook was an online friend who had no connection to my family. I don't know if anyone else new became the scapegoat. I do think the goldens since they live far away, probably aren't investing the time in someone growing more elderly and maybe she's lost the ability to travel and get around, I simply don't know. I don't care. I just don't want to be bothered. I don't want reminded. I'm done. It's over. The whole mess. I was done trying in 2013. There's nothing there for me.

One will note with a nauseous feeling is that the narcissists never learn, or grow or change their tactics. It's the same old crap over and over. One lady on an ACON board told me, they don't quit until they are gone. Some ACON websites always warn they will hoover for CONTROL even for decades. I remember those warnings. They are serving me now. Otherwise I never could make sense of any of this.

Ollie Matthews once called narcissists "Terminators" years ago. He warned people you can't reason and you can't argue with it. That applies! It's good I got these warnings from other ACONS. Let this article be a warning to others too. You can be disabled, even start getting old yourself and they can still hoover you! Just stay away, and don't react. Ignore them.

One lady wrote me on an ACON board, "She wants CONTROL of YOU." That's it in a nutshell. That made sense to me. I've given nothing but silence. The scapegoating served her, she can't let go of it. 
They use scapegoats to blame, and to dump all their trash on, and I believe this continues even long after we get out and walk away. They don't change or grow so you see them still floundering like a fish, like a broken machine on repeat saying and doing the same things. That's the creepy thing about all this. They are like robots stuck on a repeating tape.

 I told my husband I think she does these intermittent contacts so she can claim to the others falsely that she cares. It is to preserve her image that she was a "caring" mother and that the scapegoat is the problem, and was evil from the get-go. I wrote about how empty the cards were and the one line crap years ago, but the message in the cards didn't matter, it was so she could make the appearance of and tell others: "I am a loving mother, I tried to contact her and she refused to talk to me". She is invested in keeping the same poisonous and rotten system going even to the bitter end. Since my family operated like a cult, the outsiders must always be shamed, punished and "kept track of". I was warned years ago by other ACONS and this protected me, I am thankful to them all. These type of toxic parents do not change, and these things will keep going on repeat. 

I used to feel more fear during these times. Now I am annoyed, but at least I was prepared in some ways for what I would be dealing with. I do have to think of safety issues and I know I wish after this many years it still wasn't happening. 

I remind myself I don't have to talk to anyone I don't have to. That's it. I never have to deal with her again if I don't want to. She's like the guy behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, all blather and emptiness. There's nothing there. She never knew me, or cared to. She's empty. She's like a machine on repeat, that's the scary thing about all this but since human emotions aren't present, what do I expect?    `
The only thing I can do is just stay away, which I am doing and will continue to do. 

Comments Back On Moderation

 There's some glitch in the system where the comments weren't working at all when I took the moderation off. They are back on moderation but hopefully some comments will go through. I do try and check them every few days. Blogspot is an older program, so maybe this is causing some of the glitches. I tested things, trying to comment MYSELF away from my regular computer and got an error message.

Customer Service is Dead!

America is ruled by monopolies now, and often one company is the only game in town nowadays. Utilities are different. Companies are far more abusive now. Workers are treated like disposable crap but with customers it's not much better. We are a captive audience who need necessities, and they don't care. Often there is no competitor to go to escape companies driving us crazy.

We used to be able to roll over one month's electric bill into the next. Now we can't. We can pay the electric bill mid-week but I already have been sent a disconnection notice. I have never gotten a disconnection notice in the last 20 years, even with the financial problems until last month and this month. Last month we obviously paid it in time. Two weeks late is now enough to get one. The next bill is due around Sept 2-5nd which means I got a collection notice for a bill that was due on August 4th on August 15th. [We paid this bill today]

It's more stress though. Do any of these companies wonder why everyone is broke and what it means for their future? Wouldn't they make more money if Americans had enough money to live on? I'm not an economist obviously but if you leave people without anything they aren't going to be buying your products.

Why don't companies care that no one has any money? Isn't there a certain point where no one will be able to afford their bills and they will all be out of business? Have you noticed corporations of all kinds don't seem to care about profits anymore as everyone goes broke? Is this because they are getting so much government money now they don't need us anymore? Take some time and look up how much money Elon Musk's companies got from the government. Maybe the ones for necessities are still making so much bank from abusing everyone they don't care, but isn't there an end point to all this?

Our leaders are crazed in that they don't care we don't have any money. I never have had the electric shut off for non-payment in my entire life, even during the Chicago era I paid them in time to avoid shut-offs. They mailed back my lifeline papers over some crazy quibble, lifeline is what people who are dependent on electrical medical devices to get their power outages dealt with quicker, or to prevent shut-offs. So I am not protected by that right now.

I could call my doctor to put a stop to a shut-off for a period of time for medical problems. Hey I make it my business to know these type of laws to survive. The times are shorter and shorter. That's their reaction, squeeze tighter as more people go broke. They are all psychotic. During the winter, I had one 500 dollar bill that gave me endless anxiety, but we were able to pay it.

We really don't have social services anymore.  There are a few private and church programs out there, who help, but things are getting harder all over. They want American people stressed out and afraid, it gives the powers that be more control. This country is not free. We have a little freedom of speech left, but they'll stamp that out soon anyway. I'm surprised astrobots haven't shown up here to shout me down and tell me what a loser I am for not paying bills. X/Twitter was full of that crap. 

 Once when I got a 700 dollar electric bill one week, it wasn't in shut off yet, they didn't come after people like they do now, and I tried to go to charities to help me pay it and those people told me we needed a shut-off notice. I thought if I wait for a shut off notice, it will go off before I get any help. I was able to do a payment plan on top of the regular bills but it took me an entire year to pay it off. Keep in mind as you read this during the winter, I have to keep the temperature under 65.

An email company never leaves me alone, they always want me to pay for storage and threaten to shut the email off every other day. They fill my email box with junk mail even though I cancelled all email subscriptions and then the very next week there's more. It can take hours and hours to clean this crap out. I need this email to communicate with my doctors, get amazon locker codes from when I order vitamins, and other necessary stuff. I'm sick of it. Leave me alone!

Now I am dealing with this CPAP supply company, I don't want to give too many details, but the costs were quintupled, I was shocked by a big bill, that was multiple times more than the usual yearly bill, and I hadn't ordered more than the year before. The amount they charged insurance for some basic CPAP supplies made my hair stand on end. For weeks and weeks, I make negotiations with one of the higher ups on email. I promise to pay back the amount I owed, that still stood despite the insane cost increases, I stopped making orders except for filters which has brought me some hardships and life moves on. Monthly payments were made for some months and then suddenly paying on the portal doesn't work!

I have made all these negotiations in writing on email and thankfully kept the emails. The only reason this happened was telling them I was too deaf to use their phone line. I try to write the portal, they never help there. I decide to go pay the company in person at the local office, and the manager tells me "Oh we don't do that anymore!"

The manager mailed the address I needed to mail a check to. He was a nice guy, the system worked against him too!  Computer people screwed up again! I should have been able to make payments on the computer portal but it didn't work!  I was so overcharged. 500 dollars for a plastic CPAP mask is insane. For the cushions you change, they want something like 286 dollars. It is a small piece of plastic that is only 4-5 inches wide. I'm not ordering anything from them anymore but necessary filters. 

It is a lot of stress as everything is getting old and worn out attached to my CPAP machine. I will have to use my mask until it falls apart. There's no way I can afford this stuff anymore. If insurance gets charged 500, remember I get charged 20 percent of that! Their bill was actually bigger then both my surgery bill and when I had a kidney infection in the ER. It went from 100 and something to 750 dollars!

They want me to use this phone system, that takes an hour and half to get a human on the line and none of those humans once you get them know English enough to solve any problems. Their accents are so thick my transcribe and my captioning phones do not work. My husband is on the line too, to help me, and he can't understand them either. They refuse to take my payment, because of the age of the bill, I spent months finding missing payments with these folks too, and despite my negotiations and promises by the higher up on the payment plan. I get nowhere. They refuse to take my money! Isn't this the definition of insanity? 

The phone company is jumping the gun too on phone shut-offs, 2-3 weeks and the phone is dead too. He just paid it. Sometimes I rant and rave, they come after us so much, I swear they are double dipping us, and we are paying double! I need to have my husband sit down and write the dates and when we paid them. 

AI is going to make things really bad. Computers don't care about special cases. Computers can't figure things out. Computers follow stupid rules from linear thinkers that program them and can't figure out that someone could have made negotiations on an old bill. Computers stick you in endless loops. Many of these companies have fired everyone to save money as AI takes jobs away and now you can never get a human. Many of these companies have no common sense and write rules that are stupid. I can't be the only person that owes this place money after they quintupled their prices. How could I be the only one? Why did I have to ask a local manager and took weeks to even dig up the address to mail a check to? Who forbid local offices to take payments? Are these people insane?  I'm very good at internet research, and found the main headquarters, but the bill paying address is two states away. This company is TOO BIG.

They always make you feel like the only one in the world that this applies to.  All business matters are much more difficult. I'll give the hospital this, at least their computer system works.  People don't seem able to deal with complex things anymore. Sorry but the vaxx damage is showing. I'm seeing massive cognitive decline out there on multiple fronts. People are emotionally checked out at the least and unable to use critical thinking at the worse. The computer garbage has made everything harder, a lot of stuff is not user friendly. 

What we seem to have now are too many simps and rule-followers who gave up all independent thinking and problem solving long ago. I am sure these people hate their jobs and feel desperate too, but there's some level of middle management that put the okay on these abuses, to make things as cheap and nasty as possible. There is no such thing as customer service anymore. Do places that have no competition as monopolies proliferate even need that anymore? Whoever is designing these computer systems are failing too.  Some computer people may get mad at me for writing this, but there's problems with computer people they don't think holistically, and logic trees don't bring up the millions of other possibilities and complications that can happen. They don't acknowledge special cases or complications.

Are you seeing problems with companies and how they are operating now? Tell me your stories. I just want left alone at this point. Sometimes life feels like nothing but "run and pay". The medical bills are so numerous even keeping track of those is hard. At least next month, one will be paid off, until I get acutely sick again. The corporations own the government now, and they have so much power. Sometimes the bank account feels like handcuffs around my wrist with this orange bank card that controls my life. It's kind of creepy. Money is the prison cell the elite built to keep us all controlled. Everything is so crazy expensive too. The elite live swimming in money and you can tell they have no idea of what anyone actually lives on, so the higher-ups in these corporations simply have no idea. They don't care that their prices are so high, they have becoming impossible for most. 

Are Companies Becoming Meaner and Greedier?