Self-Respect

From the book Psychopath Free:

"At some point you will find instead of trying to gain everyone's approval, you are wondering why people can't be more like you."

From the book Boy Meets Depression

"If no one chooses you, choose yourself. If no one accepts you, accept yourself."

Narcissists destroy our self respect growing up. The knife to our soul is the one that bleeds out the feelings of self respect and dignity for ourselves.  This is one way they soul murder and some people they do complete break, taking away all self respect for their entire life. They literally make people wake up hating themselves for life. She didn't take all of mine away but I'm working to reclaim what I can. Self-respect aka DIGNITY is something all ACONs will fight for and no contact is one way to make a fight for it.

They tell you that you are nothing over and over and you are always the last in line. Everyone else comes before you in importance.  Mine would go running to extended cousins and relatives I never heard of before thinking of me. Supposedly I was her "daughter" but she treated me with less regard then a neighbor three doors down. They treat you like a worm or a slave. In 2013, as you all know, I was very sick. At this time, my decision for no contact was made, because I thought, "I can't die in this position, where I die as a slave on my knees before the narcissists, I have to walk no matter what." Another thought was, "I can't sell out".

Two relatives had warned me she had me cut out of the will. One told me more indirectly, "Your mother will never take care of you" and one said it point blank. She told me my mother sat in front of some friends and her, and laughed about how I and my brother had no idea but that we were both cut out and would get the surprise of our life. This was very soon after my mother's giant insurance pay-out and around the time legal papers would have been drawn out.

 If you think about it, that's pretty sick.  Even if she had not cut me out, I couldn't "sell out" being demeaned the rest of my life out of fear of poverty or forever destitution. Money was the trap and the shackles on my wrists keeping me in the game, especially during the times I needed some help. If any of you ever think I am overly-interested in financial things, this is where it is rooted in. I know it. Even the idea of having financial security to feel "safe" from my mother is a dream of mine that I wish would be fulfilled. I literally beg for this from God. I don't want her to have the satisfaction or glee of seeing me in the streets. When I worry about being on the bus or going without groceries, I do struggle with the anger, of her life being so easy, and mine so hard.

One thing I am working on now, is claiming self-respect and not letting the poverty destroy it. I have realized that I missed some important adulthood milestones from being disabled so young. I achieved only a semi-professional life that was very short lived. I did not get that sense of empowerment that can come from a decent career or work-life that can bring a sense of security or dignity to one's life. It is a major struggle. Watching my husband struggle since his lay-offs was a double whammy.

This is one trap that keeps people in the Narc net, especially if they are an impoverished scapegoat. They look to the day where they will be "free", and have money, but then in this life there are no guarantees. Some of these narcissists as they suck energy from people live a very long time. I have heard of people who are almost elderly themselves at the beck and call of a narcissistic parent who lives on to torture them. People become slaves to the narc, fearing being cut out of the will. Wills are used for abuse, and a hammer over one's head. Some narcissists even threaten to cut people out of their will every time they are angry. Here's the real deal, if they already hate and disrespect you, it's very likely you are cut out anyway.  One loses self-respect, when in this position. This is one reason my mother can get away with so much. Her money. If she had no money, who would put up with all the abuse?  My brother was in shock I walked, "But you are so poor and this is your only chance to have anything". I didn't want to be among the crowd kneeling before her because of the money. He lives having to make sure she is pleased and he remains dependent on her largesse. This means never angering "Mommy" even into his 50s.

I was groomed to be dependent and desperate. None of us three children achieved what would be called worldy "success". My sister attained wealth via marriage. Us other two struggled, me more so. When I found out my mother had huge connections that were denied us and even helped cousins and others this told me what I wanted to know. When I was trying to get a teaching job, and denied two, due to medical reasons and ended up with the alternative school job, my mother's best friend was one of the heads of a State Department of Education.  I found out other massive family connections too, and realized with horror how some people were helped and others simply not. This continues to this day. This is what she wanted. She wanted me kept low.  Even as I worked to get ahead in a field I especially loved in college, the refusal to address my Aspergers and medical neglect, worked together to ruin my future.  She did everything to destroy my life and told people it was all my fault. The sabotage was open and continuing. Some of my finding self-respect is realizing what odds I fought against.

One part of self respect is taking responsibility for one's life, and I have sat back to analyze myself. Did I? I went to college and graduated from the honors college with my art education degree. I vied for another profession going to paralegal school, and worked in jobs with troubled youth. I analyzed myself . Was I the "loser", she called me over and over and even on this blog because there was no suburban house or 6 figure income in my future?  I started having thoughts that she was a very spoiled woman, and had an easy ride compared to me. She really did. Money always came her way. Did she have to deal with having Aspergers, or a one in a 5 million health problem? Did she have a body turn on her to the extreme?  Did she have job discrimination to deal with? No. her job was handed to her. If she had dealt with even 10 percent of what I had, she would have crawled into a ball. Her narc-rage over the deprivation alone may have put her in prison.

Another thought I had about her, is "Does any part of her realize that people fear her more then actually respect or love her?" True love or respect does not exist in a climate of fear.  There is no love or true bonding. Everyone bows down to her fearing they will be the next target. They have seen the broken shell of Aunt Scapegoat and seen me battle it out with her for many years. Everyone knows what it is to have a hated boss where everyone snaps to attention not because they like the guy but because they fear being fired. Whatever respect I have from anyone was earned the real way not demanded and coerced by fear. My husband has told me I am his "hero", even for having lived through the health problems I faced. Gasping for air in 1998, who could predict I would live almost 20 plus more years?  One thing that has changed for me being no contact this long, is I am no longer afraid of her.

 As I got deeper into no contact, I thought "Who are these people?" and started to judge them more then myself. While they had more money and prestige then me, where they better people? The answer was no. An objective view of my mother was of an uneducated however cunning woman who had exploited people to move from farm-poor to upper middle class. I analyzed to myself asking "Who among the family had a conscience left, who was more like me? One cousin who volunteers definitely does. A few do. I find myself praying the narcissists don't corrupt them. I asked the question in the quote above, "Why can't they be more like me?" instead of thinking I was all wrong.

Learning to trust myself has been a journey and in itself. I have faced fear and other challenges still being worked on. The poverty thing has hurt me badly but then even there, I ask myself "Have I done what I can?" and I have. Becoming disabled does not bring the wealth. I did what I could and I fought to stay alive.

 We have collected cans, sold ebay and other things. Even with my husband, he works hard even though we are poor. I help him and cook his meals while he is on the computer. He helps me with the caretaking I need during the day such as being driven to an appointment or being helped up from a chair or supported during a vertigo attack. He has not given up and neither should I. Sometimes I get angry wondering why some people have been given good and high paying jobs, and others are not but we both tried everything we could to dig ourselves out. I reminded myself even though I was disabled, we escaped the ghetto even one time. This is why the re-sinking back into poverty has been painful. Right now we are trying to figure out "what to do" and being in your late 40s and early 50s not knowing "what to do", is a very scary feeling. The narcissists while they cheat the system ignore how many people have to live and what has happened to the United States economy. One thing about being poor, is this society will try to destroy your self-respect on many levels. It is something you have to fight. This is one place where knowing the system is screwed up saves a person.

I did not deserve what these narcissists and sociopaths dished out on me. I realized my mother affected my husband in very negative ways too. She was hurting him. When she said things to me like "Your husband will never amount to anything" even knowing at one point he had a book of his own published and had been published in national music magazines and was an assistant newspaper editor at one point, she was hurting him as well as me. She was dishonoring and disrespecting him too. It was affecting his life. My marriage grew stronger when I broke away too. I broke away from having us both called losers. Self-respect is defending those who you love. Narcissists and sociopaths do not know what true love is. They probably are jealous of it and hate you for having it.

My mother used to get angry in emails, and write "You have no respect for me!". She definitely had that sickening narcissist trait of always wanting constant adoration and attention.  How could I? This is one trait of the narcissists where they will demand respect and never get it.  She tried to destroy my own self respect and sought to rule by fear, and intimidation. I do not like my mother, everything about her personality bothers me. There was nothing to respect. It was ironic the person who allowed me no respect demanded it all the time. You have to give respect to get it, which is something she never did. She disrespected people all the time. Even the stuff she said and did regarding Aunt Scapegoat hurt me as there was one point in time I was cared about Aunt Scapegoat and was seeking a bond with her. Respect is earned not coerced via fear.

 Also if you are someone that seeks to destroy everyone's self respect of themselves, you are not someone who is going to earn love from anyone. They may fear you and be nice to your face and tell you what you want to hear, but they will not like you and they won't respect you. Narcissists via their own bad behavior deny themselves real respect and love. They get sycophants, they do not get friends.

One thing that brings self-respect in one's life is integrity. Integrity is holding to one's own moral principles.  Somehow I survived intact in my integrity coming out of the household of snakes. Not to say I am perfect but one part of my identity entails standing up for what I believe. Something the narcissists never were interested in. My father actually would seek to chip away at this telling me I was "too idealistic" and never would "make" it in the world because I would not bend. One Aspie trait is we do stick to where we stand.

One important part of my self-respect was not allowing the narcissists to silence me or take away my own viewpoints or morals. This is one thing that narcissists will strive to chip away at, having no integrity themselves, if you have any they will work on it. There were times my parents would insult me for being "too nice", or "too sensitive". I still think of that last family meeting where my mother outraged by Christian verses, theology and defenses of the poor I was putting on my Facebook wall wrote an email to everyone in the family telling them, that she was going to outlaw some topics for the holiday family meeting at her house.  This was the one in 2012.

Integrity rooted in self respect is what told me, I could not go. A lot of times, I am housebound in winter, and can't make it anyhow--they never allowed any compromise for this, which is one reason I went without seeing some family members for 8 years at the time. That year it was warm enough though, I could have gone, but I refused. The "beliefs" she was outraged by were my Christian beliefs.

This is one point where I was glad I stood up for myself and said "No" when I wrote back, the whole family all kissed her butt and made jokes at me on her behalf. I knew this was the beginning of my NC decision that would be enforced in June after that holiday season. This was one point in my life, where I knew "These people do not respect me." and  "They mock me". The same integrity for someone silencing me for my religious beliefs--and no I didn't thump my bible at them. I left them alone after witnessing one time. I was sacrificing self respect to have anything to do with these narcissists who demeaned me at every step. As I have thought about this in the last few years since it happened, this was her way to even try and take away a core part of who I was, and what I stood for. She did not want the others reading what I had written or posted.

One thing about narcissists is they have no integrity or stands they take. They will change a stand considering what audience they are in front of. I have heard my mother claim to be prolife in one social setting and prochoice in another. I don't want to begin an abortion debate here but am showing this example to show how they will change like chameleons considering who they desire to manipulate. I believe she wanted to shut down the openness I had on Facebook in sharing opinions and viewpoint and this was a way to say, "Do not listen to Peep". With the family all loving her money, they were ready to scramble. When I wrote back "we need LESS censorship in this family not more", all took her side.

So I walked and gained more Self-Respect.

It's changing me. I was under so much condemnation for so long, and now I am seeing through more and more of it. I am learning to hold more boundaries with people and also to stand up for myself. One thing I may write about soon is I have ended quite a number of friendships. I wrote about one in the Taking out the Narcissistic Trash article, but there have been others.  Sometimes I have asked myself if I will end up alone--I do have the good loyal friends and my husband, but my standards are being enforced. I'm not putting up with nonsense. Even being alone is better then dealing with anyone who will disrespect me.

I believe this is one of the worse things these sociopaths and narcissists do to people which is they try to take away someone's very self respect and dignity in who they are. I reject her labels about me that sought to destroy my life and today I get away from people who treat me like she did, who have derision or speak down to me. I did not sell my life and soul to the system, and can respect myself for that.

Peep's Personal Red Flag List to Warn of Predators

This is my personal list, these will be the details beyond the known factors of narcissists and sociopaths... We know already about their entitlement, coldness, lack of empathy, these are other red flag signs beyond those. Some of these red flags will be personal to me and my personality:

1. They whine about cleaning and tell you that your apt or house isn't clean enough. Next time I hand them the broom while they whine about how messy my apartment is. If they don't clean they can leave.

2. Things fail to get done. They tell you one thing and make promises that never happen. They are undependable, and there is always an excuse.

3. They are good "boy scouts" and "girl scouts" who insist on the rules but then you notice they never follow the same said rules and always get their needs met.

4. They never go without an unmet need. If someone has never lost a job in their entire life or had one set back--be careful of catching any innocents in this net but every narcissist I knew never lost a job. [This may not apply the parasitical types] Be careful of people who have always gotten every need met in their entire life. This applies to my sociopathic mother. She never has gone without one dollar she has wanted.

5. Watch out for constant criticism.

6. If they approach you with the attitude of "fixing you", run like hell and never look back. Don't listen to talk of "deliverance" prayers, or "you need to volunteer" more. Avoid those who act as if they have a direct dial to God. New and baby Christians need to be especially wary of religious narcissists. ACONs because of our upbringing, can become prey to the "fixers" who see your inherent lack of self-worth prior to recovery.

7. Avoid those who pity you. Pity sucks. It will drive your self esteem lower then hell. The do-gooder pity patrol while you think they will "help you" and sometimes one or two may meet a physical need, the price isn't worth it. The disabled need to be on guard for this one especially.

8. They repress you. If they tell you things like go watch a movie or read a nice book every time you tell them anything sad, run like hell. At the very least, keep them separate as a "public friend" or friendly acquaintance where you share nothing deep. Your emotions bother them. That's what they are telling you. We know too the malignant narcissists who use emotions to abuse.

9. Avoid people who see every problem as "solvable". If you have problems that are not solved, they may treat you badly for them.

10. Avoid people who see everything as a competition. Such types are willing participants in the "American Hunger Games" on different levels. A sub-set here would be various sell-outs who do not mind selling their souls for careers or engaging in evil things for world success. If your friend works for a GMO-manufacturing company or counts body bags and machine guns for war or does PR for a guy like Lex Luther, maybe reconsider things.

11. Shut the door in the face of those who sneer and get jollies upon the sufferings of others. If you meet someone and you start wondering why everyone else they know is a "loser" or "crazy" since they dog everyone out, realize you can be next on the list for a new smear campaign. Double warning for anyone who cheers about anyone getting committed like my relatives.

12. People who buy presents to shut you up or get you to "get back in line" are no good. Being bought off is not being respected. Same as when my NM tried to offer me a used car the very day I went no contact. She knew I feared lacking transportation. Abusive husbands are known to buy flowers for their abused wives, well this can happen in other contexts with narcissists.

13. If you raise issues and they dance around topics, and don't answer anything directly be wary. The dancing as fast as they can game is often done for confusion.

14. If you have someone in your life, you are around all the time or talk to for many hours and then you don't really know them, and they don't really know you, then ask yourself if you are simply narcissistic supply for this person?

15. Be careful of being the counselor or counselee. I have to avoid the trap of seeking counseling and too much help from friends. I don't mind counseling friends but then if someone is calling you everyday 5-6 times a day where you are ready to send them a therapy bill, then rethink things there.

16. If people assault your values, or tell you that you must be silent about your beliefs or they ban discussions of certain topics, it is time to walk. They don't respect you. I don't expect everyone to agree with me about everything either. With the toxic, many expect 100% agreement to earn their respect. It's a waste of time. A subset here, is when you bring issues up or talk about things they flat out ignore and change the subject as if you were talking to a wall.

17. If they share nothing of themselves and you realize you have told them so much about yourself while you barely know anything, then wake up in that case too. My NM withheld her whole life about everything except telling me to clean or criticizing.

18. Watch out for love-bombers. Many will come on fast, and compliment you and tell you how wonderful you are. Good friends will compliment you too, but in their cases it lasts. Many a narcissist and sociopath set up is done with extreme love bombing. False churches and cults use love bombing to get people in the door.

19. Ask yourself, "How does this person treat me when other people are there?" If they disrespect you or avoid you in front of other people be careful. This is a red flag I ignored YEARS ago with one ex-friend. She almost seemed to act like she did not know me in crowded public rooms. If a friend betrays you in mixed company online or in real life this is another red flag that something is not right. If they make jokes about you in front of other people, get away from them.

20. Do they enjoy things? People who never enjoy anything or have no hobbies, that is something to watch out for. Life as a cold austerity plan sucks. Some of those types only care about work and competition.

21. Will they eat your food? If the answer is No, be careful. They be a narcissistic  someone of an upper class who sees you as riff-raff for having a less then new kitchen.

22. Do they tell you constantly what to feel or to say or do or not do? Then you are dealing with a controller. Of course all friends offer advice, but here, be careful of those who tell you what to do all the time. When that starts, they are already not satisfied, and can't be.

23. Do they tell you to deny reality or preach the positivity gospel at any cost? Do they tell you that a miracle is always one prayer away or all your problems will be solved if you just have enough faith? Run. They will damage your relationship with God selling you false Disney land narcissistic dreams.

24. Are they so much into sports nothing else exists? If someone loves the Cubs or goes to see the Yankees that's great, but sports obsession is something else.

25. Do they constantly criticize others?  Run there too.

26. Are they a workaholic always putting work and aspirations first and foremost? If you visit someone and the visit from out of town was planned for weeks, and they spend nearly hour working on a work project instead of focusing on your visit, then that is time to wake up too.

27. Do they only call when they need something and otherwise ignore you.

28. Are they mean to wait staff?  If they argue with waitresses like my Dad did because there is one too few ice-cubes in their drink I am gone.

29. Do they growl at children and kick dogs? I don't have animals but people who are mean to animals, run! Do they have road rage? Every male narc in my family had such intense road rage, steam would come out of their ears. Do they drive like a bat out of hell and like every other driver is in their way?

30. Do they seem to revel in the misfortunes of others, glorying in Betty's cancer, or Charlie's bankruptcy? If the whole attitude is , "Oh boy" instead of "Poor Betty or Charlie". Watch out.

31. Do they hate poor people? Do they practice social Darwinism believing that poor and old people should go die in the gutter?

32. Do they respect you? If they do not or you even suspect there is no respect. Pay attention!

No one is perfect including me, but I am developing a list in my head of WHAT to avoid and red flags to avoid in would-be predators. Maybe you can add to this list too.

False Forgiveness is a Trap with Malignant Narcissists

                            [picture source]

Us ACONs are told to forgive.

Many of us already did and how can I say this? It failed.

Forgiving a Narc is just another way to get your heart broken and your face slammed down into the ground.

In 2002, I became a  born again Christian, and I remember thinking at the time, I need to make relationships "right" and I decided to "forgive" my mother.  After all the Bible says "Honor your mother and father." After all Jesus preached we are to forgive. Of course most of the pastors ignore the part about the wicked repenting to receive this forgiveness.

I found it interesting in one of the psycho comments, one line was "I don't forgive the unworthy". You can't really forgive someone who doesn't think they have done anything wrong.

At the time, I sought to understand my mother and thought to myself, she had a hard time growing up on the farm. She had a husband who yelled way too much. She had siblings who died. I also convinced myself of this line of thinking, maybe she is very reticient and hides her true emotions inside. In other words, manufactured depth of hidden emotions became my fantasy world about my mother.  The coldness I faced was too hard to even tell myself the truth about.

Sure for years I knew, "My mother hates me", but I blamed myself for that hate and sad to say even into my 30s at that time, I was still in that fog.

Even in my cartoon diaries and journals during those years I wrote things like, "I wasn't the best daughter, she couldn't deal with me" blaming myself for being fat, for being so different. By 2000, I found out about my Aspergers and told her.  I thought it would open the door for greater understanding. That she would realize what I was facing. Ironically that year my brother's son, was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism which is a notch below Aspergers on the spectrum but this changed NOTHING. There was no new understanding. There was no desire to even try to understand Aspergers but then the same applied to my medical health.

How many of us are told we are wicked for having anger towards our abusers? Even in the world of forgiveness most will take up for the estranged parents of no contact. They will tell the ACON they are "unforgiving" and that we "hold grudges". Remember my first no contact? I was guilted into coming back and told I needed to reconcile and to be a "nice" person. To be sure, after my two years of NC now, they are saying I am the one who is cold. No one will hold her responsible. The majority sadly will defend the narcissists.

Forgiveness is often a hammer used upon the head of ACONS. "Why haven't you forgiven your parents?" "Why do you hold grudges?" "Why are you so unforgiving?". No one will ask the narcissists, "Why don't you apologize?", "Why are you so mean?", "Why are you so cold?"  So at that time I gave in and decided to "forgive". I decided to be nice and kind to my mother. I made her a glass painting of flowers. I would come and visit. I tried to ignore as much meanness as possible even being disinvited from some family events. I had the false belief that my husband would move up in his newspaper career and some stability would return and she would be more accepting and no longer embarrassed over us being poor and would treat us better.

 I still believed that I may even be diagnosed with something they could cure and regain my life at that time. 2002, I had lost over 200lbs from 1999-2001 from near 700lbs all the way down to 450lbs. [I was 480 two years ago and 508 last week--I have fought the same 100lbs over and over since that time] The family didn't like that I was still so fat but obviously knew I was losing weight. I had hope back then that maybe one day my mother would love me. How sad.

This is one reason, the events of 8 years ago, where we sunk back into poverty hit me so hard. Back then I had escaped the ghetto and saw hope for my future even if my health was very poor still.

One weird day on the way home from visiting I even gave her a hug that was not returned, her bony shoulders remaining rigid, to my attempts of kindness. She never had given me a hug in her entire life. I stepped back. It was an uncomfortable moment that remains with me that brought with a nervous laugh and getting away as fast as possible. Do people who don't even want our love even deserve our forgiveness too? Think about that one.

What did the "forgiveness" of that time mean? It meant nothing. It was like "forgiving" a brick wall. She had no concern for my feelings. In 2001, one of her best friends told me that my weight disgusted her. Trust me if you are still fat you can drop hundreds of pounds and it doesn't matter. Times back then were only better then that instead of being left to die in the ghetto, I did get a bit of help with used cars and car repairs but no one ever paid our monthly bills but us.  Of course I would find out later this was resented. Even then I would have inklings, she just didn't want to see me on her doorstep as the world stayed her financial oyster and the world seem to conspire to shove me and my husband under the highway underpass. There was no real change or remorse or her even reaching out to me in an emotional or other way.

Spiritually I am in a different place then I was back then. I was trying to be what I thought was a "good" Christian, and doing what I thought I was supposed to. However I had been given false information. I did not know enough of the Bible to know the verses about departing from evil or what "seared" even meant yet.

I was very sincere then in my seeking forgiveness but the me today would ask "Why lie to God?" I'm in the place now where if I did a whole "forgiveness" act, God would know I was a liar. It would also be saying how I was treated was okay. It was not. It was evil and needs stood against. I would be a hypocrite to condone the behavior and ongoing machinations since I have gone NC.

 I also changed my mind theologically, I believe one reason evil is so rampant is no one stands against it, they want it enabled and immediately forgiven even if there is no repentance. We live in the days where churches and others say "Forgive the wicked!", but no one calls for the wicked to repent. Ever see a flying monkey or one of those enablers or silent bystanders do it? I sure haven't!

That's a huge problem.

Today we have many famous people who use the currency of false forgiveness to continue with evil deeds.  Forgiveness given to a person who isn't sorry really is meaningless, its like vapor in the wind, a fart in the hall. It dissipates into nothing. What did my "forgiveness" mean? It meant nothing. Even for those who may theorize that my forgiveness was for my own good, it did not accomplish good for me but just opened me up for more evil. It put me in a vulnerable place. It allowed me to be squashed even more.

I believe false forgiveness actually can give more power to narcissists to hurt and commit more evils.

Some years ago, I discovered this article, and it blew my mind. It also woke me up.

Forgiveness-Not Necessarily What You Think

"In Luke 17:3, Jesus tells us very clearly that we are to forgive someone who sins against us IF he repents.   God does not want us to continue to be abused, in fact, we are told to shun evildoers ( Some examples are Psalm 37:9, Psalm 119:115, Matthew 18:17, Titus 3:10-11, 1 Corinthians 5:1-5.  See the article "No Forgiveness For The Unrepentant" under this heading on the left menu for more).  But if there is true repentance (see Helpful Definitions), the Lord does want us to forgive."

That was the part of the equation missing.

Both have to exist for true forgiveness to be there. Spiritually I have to obey God not to avenge myself. We are to hand the narcissists over to Him to deal with but false forgiveness? I would be just fooling myself.  I had forgiven before and it had failed. Now I know why. We cannot control what other people do. We are not spiritually responsible for them or their decisions. We can only control ourselves.  I understand those who warn of harboring hate in one's heart and who warn of it eating someone up inside but false forgiveness and playing pretend isn't going to work either. Too many people are told to forgive abusers who have no interest in ever repenting. The course of action then is to depart from evil and have nothing to do with it. We don't owe our abusers anything, certainly no more of us kneeling before them and offering them gifts they will shred to pieces in front of our eyes.

Maybe some will define forgiveness as letting go of the pain and making sure not to let one's self get eaten alive so I understand it from that perspective but even there, this is a process that each person will have to do in their own timing. Too many judge people who are hurting who are begging to God to free them from the hurt in their heart. I have prayed to God to allow me make the right steps here. It's not easy and is very complex. I hope for more peace one day but I also know what I have been dealing with.

Smakintosh made some good videos dealing with this issue too.

Is Forgiveness Unconditional?

The Two Levels of Forgiveness-Forgiving the Narcissist

False Forgiveness can play into the narcissist's hands too as they exploit and manipulate those with consciences to offer them their forgiveness as shown in this video:



This is the trap I fell into.

ACONS and Church: "Don't Protect the Guilty Please"

"Don't Protect the Guilty Please"

Church can sometimes be a hard place for an ACON. I've had good times and bad ones in churches. One church became a real church family to me where I attended for many years. They would visit me when I was ill and offered real help to each other. I could have deep theological discussions with them and still have 10 of them on my social website, almost 10 years since moving away. Leaving that church due to having to move was not easy. Later the church would close which was even sadder to me.  However I have spent some time outside of churches too. I am on the fence even with the church I have been attending for about a year. Many of the people seem "nice" but have stayed strangers outside of one elderly widow who has been kind to me and even she lives a whole hour away. There are the services but really no chance to get to know anyone outside of them.  I just am not feeling "connected" to anyone and still don't know anyone's name. I feel like I'd horrify them opening my mouth about anything and like I don't really "fit".

While my former church was a poor, rural church, this one is far more middle class, and "proper". I made my rounds of the churches here and well, the prosperity gospel ruled in many places. Among the "good" church people I feel lost among them.  Perhaps others have felt the same way. While judgment of sound doctrine and other matters in life can be a good thing, surely some ACONs have had this feeling of being seen as a "lesser" among the "good" people set or being judged wrongly.

In the present church, I made the mistake once of asking for prayers during a prayer service, for feeling sad and hopeless about my declining health, and could tell there were some "clucked tongues" and sideways glances.  One church member gave me a book called "God is in control".  Theologically I thought, "God is not the author of evil". Maybe they saw me as a "complainer" like the false friend too.  I zipped my lip after that. Can you imagine telling any one of these people my real background? They probably would think I have crawled out of hell itself. Their lives are rich with good jobs, loving families and nice homes. While some have had troubles, they have faced them bravely and all overcame them and "moved on".

So I could be churchless soon. I think God will understand. Some out there believe we are to come out of Babylon and Babylon has taken over a lot of places!

One thing if you are an ACON and Joan touches on this, there can be many false spiritual messages that hurt ACONs in the church world.  The false preacher saying that if you are not blessed, you are not in God's will, is wrong.  He also was wrong to say that one's life is under their total control. The prosperity gospel really has infiltrated the churches even if your church may even officially renounce it. I have seen that preaching too, that if you obey God you will be blessed by him. Too many see God as an ATM machine.  This is having a "You scratch my back", I'll scratch yours approach" to the Almighty Himself. This is a narcissistic approach to God.

One can see an attitude among the "good" church people, that anyone who has suffered must have done something to deserve it. People really believe out there more and more if you have a severe illness or other troubles, that there is something inherently "bad" about you and you bought your own trouble. New Age lies like the "Secret" have infiltrated the churches.  This is not in scripture but with false prosperity gospel and more it has grown more intense. Also the false right wing politics and Republican party has helped with this too, with Fox news telling especially among the evangelical contingent that poor people have failed characters and do not work hard and that is why they are poor. Here the poor are scapegoated on a societal wide scope and many churches have become enablers of this. No one is calling out the greedy or demanding that employers pay just wages.

John 9:3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

Some will tell you due to your never-ending troubles, it must be something wicked you did or are doing. They will offer deliverance. Now deliverance isn't always a bad thing but for an ACON it can be place of abuse, as you are told, that your life troubles are your own doing and based in your "inherent wickedness". Here legalists and others can open the door to spiritual abuse especially for an ACON and sadly they join the chorus of our narcissist parents and others who say, "It's all your fault!" or "You did this and that wrong!". If you are an ACON, be very, very careful in seeking support or counseling anywhere in the church system or even the secular world for that matter. Realize if you are a Christian, your relationship with God is your own. Spiritual abuse is growing out there.

Sadly I have seen too often churches where the poor and otherwise down and out aren't too welcome. There is no way I can afford a tithe and they wrest an Old Testament book of Malachi to demand their 10 percent cut and yes the pastors know who is paying and who is not. There is pressure upon the poor in most churches. Here they guilt you too in some churches telling you if you don't give God "his seed money" and decide to pay for some rent and groceries instead that you are wicked person and "won't be blessed".

Some Christians have left the church system all together, and well, one can see why. More and more the churches have become voices of the establishment and in a wicked world where the establishment is narcissistic, you see narcissistic attitudes. Job himself, would be loath to approach the churches who would tell him just like his friends, that he did wicked things to deserve his misfortunes. [Job 4]

 Just imagine Jesus Christ coming back among many of the places today, they'd get ready to crucify Him again. How many people sit in churches today being told like I was two weeks ago being told that veterans are "fighting for our freedom" in the Middle East? How did so many miss the news memo of years past that Bush lied? I still remember the other church I visited on Memorial Day, where they showed a video of marching armies, and bombers streaming across the sky up on the Jumbo screen above the pulpit and thought "What does this have to do with the gospel?" Spiritually I wanted to throw up. I am not a pacifist but I felt like the "god" being worshipped was Mars the god of war more then the God of the Bible.

The entire society has Stockholm Syndrome and too many of the churches are enablers to the system and defend the endless wars, and oppression of the poor. The wicked become defended. Smakintosh did the one video where one preacher told people to "hug their vampires". We are taught false forgiveness as many including him and other ACONs have warned against. We are told time and time again we are the wicked ones while the truly wicked get nothing but excuses. Victim blaming rules while worship of the powerful and narcissistic seems to reign supreme. While scripture warns us in Psalms that the wicked will prosper, these people teach the exact opposite.

Psalm 73: 3For I was envious at the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. 4For there are no bands in their death: but their strength is firm.
 5They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men.

A pastor doing prison ministry who doesn't understand the nature of evil, is ineffective beyond measure. Sure some were oppressed or falsely accused, or rail-roaded into jail under laws that grow more oppressive, but among the maximum security set, where murder, rape and drug dealing are the crimes of choice, a pastor who doesn't understand evil is wasting his time. Sure some can be born again and hear the gospel but in his defense of a sick and growing more wicked society, in many cases he will only add oppression to the prisoners and not a message of freedom in Jesus Christ.

People who defend the system, in my book are missing something. If someone can not discern even from a Christian mindset that our world is in big time spiritual trouble or the wicked are ruling this place, that worries me.  If they start defending politicians and banks watch out the brainwashing has taken hold. There is way too much protection of the bad guys.

"The Slandering Narcissist"

Many who never gone through this, all of this is unfathomable to them. I think even when non-ACONs, read this blog some may simply find it impossible to believe. Many people with normal loving families simply cannot conceive of family members treating others this way.  Much of the slander is done under false "concern". Smakintosh is right that narcissists target people who are closest to them for destruction and yes it takes decades. While some narcissists physically abuse, often their language is enough, their words and even subtle body language. Yes the most heinous abuse is spiritual abuse where soul murder is their intent.

Project "Friends"

I don't want any more project "friends". In fact I am going to be careful to avoid people who want to turn me into a project or want to "fix me". I can befriend people fast online and have found various friend soulmates via the internet. It seems like the Internet is my mecca of friendship and social connection while the real world, it just seems harder.

One thing I noticed that happened to me is I seemed to hook up with all these people who wanted to FIX ME.

Disabled people are very prone to project "friends". Legions of church ladies will go befriend the disabled lady to prove their holiness to their congregation. Some will be seeking bennies for heaven, in being your friend. They can fool you smiling at you, and you think there is mutual like and sharing of the minds there. You even make them laugh but watch out, inside they are horrified by you. Think of the Movie, "My Fair Lady", but with two females instead, they want to whip you into shape.  Changing your speech patterns, social personality and more. Often they will direct you to some volunteer projects and will insist on you "improving" yourself. They will tell you things like "Let's not talk about that now!" or "Lets be more positive now!"

If anyone wants to fix me, goodbye. I'm done with it. This doesn't mean not trying to progress but I am tired of being tested and given hoops and endless goal posts that are always moving from other people. I am tired of being told that it's my fault spiritually or that I am a bad person or I have to do this and that to be deemed worthy of existence. Is this something my ACON upbringing gave me? Falling into this pit of dealing with these people who put me in this position. I don't think many people would put up with it.

I am tired of being judged for my feelings. Some of these people have had completely different lives from my own where they had good health and close families who were always there for them. I don't expect everyone to "get it" but it seems a few of these church going types could dig into their cold hearts for a little bit of compassion.  They do not know what it is like to be running away from someone coming at them with a knife or what it is like to dig food out of a trashcan. If you think I'm a freak, next time just walk away, don't waste my time.

I am tired of being judged for my health. So your body works and you don't have severe obesity and can eat food and don't look like a melting candle from the waist down. Maybe I should have showed the projects how I really felt, and laid in bed crying and groaning from all the pain I was really in. My stiff upper lip stuff failed. They don't think you are brave, they are embarrassed by you and consider you a lesser being.

Next time I feel like I have to walk on eggshells or censor myself around someone, I may as well not waste my time. If someone tries to control my speech, and tell me what to talk about or tell me my feelings are wrong or too extreme, or if my problems are "too great" for their self help group and my pain embarrasses them, I should just walk out and slam the door. Otherwise I will be pouring energy into an already doomed relationship.

This may be partially my fault, as I have so many problems and a life that seems spiraling out of control and a body from Hades itself so maybe I present myself in a way that draws these people out of the woodwork. Some may have good intentions even from the start but they really hurt people like me. It is just another person telling me I am "bad", "wrong" and "not measuring" up.

I may present myself with too much pity and pathos. It's probably my fault. Stir together Aspergers, bad health problems and an INFP personality too, and well, I'm too sensitive for this world. This means keeping more of my problems to myself as the new answer.

Many of these types will fool you easily. They can appear to have empathy and to "care" even with all the volunteer and other projects they take on and even "help" they do. But it seems when push comes to shove and you are crying and upset, that empathy vaporizes like a fart in the wind. If you make the "error" of refuting them or standing up for yourself, they discard and devalue pretty quick.

Sadly you find out their lack of respect for you eventually and it usually has to do with how they treat you regarding other people. Just like our narcissistic mothers threw us scapegoats overboard for everyone from the milk man to a cousin, the same likewise will apply to "project friends". They won't stand up for you even if someone insults you to your face several times with your husband witnessing it and telling them because you are a lower social status. Sometimes they claim they stood up for you but will be pissed off and resentful about it.  They won't have your back. They will go running to talk to someone else even if you are mid-sentence with them.

I guess I can die of boredom behind a fake smile. Of course when I try to fake it, it never worked either. Sometimes you will think there is even mutual sharing of challenges, and that you are balancing things out nicely but supposed they can vent while you are always a complainer. My life seems to have been one of sinking into the wallpaper and/or opening my mouth and pissing everyone off. Now that I am old, hopefully the "Fix-It" and "Improve-It" Queens will find a younger victim. I'd rather be a friend to someone eating out of a trashcan and living in the park rather then another woman who will tsk her tongue at my bad housekeeping or get angry at me for having feelings or who will tell me I need to do this and that to be a "worthwhile" person.

American society and me don't go together well. I'm a crappy stoic. I smile but the sadness still comes through in the eyes. I'm bad at hiding depression or anger. I would flunk salesman school and charm school. Maybe some think they can solve my problems of no money and health from the gates of hell. If I can't fix then how can you? I have failed to solve them and I'm tired. I just want to live in peace and be left alone now.

I had this one friend who was one of these types in my old rural town, and I feel like I repeated the same scenario with the latest friend. This friend was older, very religious in a mainstream church and had 4 children. I met this one when I was still in the Catholic church. I would go eat at her house and even befriended her children. We got along pretty well, but then things got kind of weird. She started the "project" stuff.

She wanted to get me another friend saying that this woman who was in and out of the mental hospital every week and who had made several suicide attempts in a row, would be my new perfect friend. Now I am open to everyone even people with severe mental problems, but it really worried me in that she saw this very troubled person as my peer instead of herself. I was not in the psych ward, I was a newly disabled ex-residential counselor. The whole thing bothered me inside. I was noticing then she was befriending OTHER disabled and very troubled people! A pattern was being set. She also was going through these disabled and troubled people like toilet paper. I was one in a long line. One thing these project friend types will do is seek out troubled people. They can forget their problems while attempting to fix theirs. Some of the more toxic ones will feel superior and better about themselves to have a more "screwed up" person next to them. Sadly our society is so competitive and narcissistic, these things shouldn't even be occurring to people but they do!

I still remember the day she came to my house with 8 boxes. Back then I was a more eager to please personality and she said, "Hey I have something for you! It's a bunch of craft supplies!" I thought "Oh boy!", and took the boxes. It would be a metaphor for the friendship as the boxes were full of scraps and trash, tin cookie cans, ripped up old ribbons, bits of yarn and twisted wires. I ended up throwing away the whole lot except for some old buttons and pieces of pins and beads, I used for a community art project later on. She was moving the very next day and hadn't told me. So much for it being a close friendship. She would later tell a friend she had unfriended me for leaving the Catholic church I don't know, but this was my first run in with a "project friend" or someone who felt they were superior to me. I can't say she was a totally bad person but she was working her way to heaven using me. She rescued me from an ice storm. She helped me with church groups. Was she really a friend? Not really.

A Post Secret Every ACON Can Relate To:

Found on Pinterest

You are Entitled to Your Feelings

Narcs shame others over having feelings because they have none. We all are entitled to our feelings. Of course what we do with them is what is important but most of us ACONs spent lifetimes being told that what we "felt was wrong".  Within my wicked family to even have feelings of nostalgia, missing anyone, or any other emotion that someone with a conscience was against their rules.

When this is replicated online by those who say they are representing ACONs or  tell us they are one themselves that makes no sense. Someone cannot represent the ACON community in any positive fashion and condemn people for natural emotions that are going to arise out of severe abuse. One thing I'd like to say to those who condemn ACONs for "not getting over it", is for most of us, our abuse did not end the day we turned 18 but expanded long into adulthood until the day we shut the door firm in the face of our abusers and walked away in no contact.

Some of us have lost our health and even livelihoods because of what narcs did to us. I have learned that anyone who tells me what to feel or condemns me for my emotions is not a positive person to be around. In fact when therapists deal with clients one of the first things they teach you when you are new to therapy is that your feelings are valid, and YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL THEM.

I dare say that there are personality disorders where the feelings have been so sublimated, is that they are no longer felt and they demand this of other people.  They want everyone else to shove the prodding conscience and feelings in the closet too until they are dead. The narcissists definitely don't want any messy emotions cluttering up their space as they connive and scheme. Narcissists have shut off a whole spectrum of them and demand it of everyone else.  Everyone who was a crying child around a narc parent knows what it was like to be smacked and told, "I'll give you something to cry about!". That happened to me hundreds of times. They failed to form me into the conforming and manipulated stoic they desired.  If my parents couldn't break me, well as I told friends, that Stasi would fail to. What is rat in a cage in the face, [thinking of Orwell here]when your body has done so many worse things to you?

We live in a narcissistic world that is growing colder and colder and part of that is telling people "emotions are wrong". I see this even with the positive ones, where one is supposed to freeze too heavy feelings of love or joy. One thing I took a look at myself was I was afraid to feel happy because it got ripped away whenever I did smile or laugh by my parents. Now I am better to express those feelings but it gave me a bigger picture. Others tell you that everything is supposed to be reacted to with Hunger Games stoicism. One rule among narcs I have noticed is never show any emotion, anger or otherwise.

 Take a look at books from the Victorian past even and notice how friends and others express love for one another and how even in mourning, they openly expressed their grief. Today everyone is supposed to be a dead-eyed drone and mindless consumer for the corporations and the powers that be. Smile serfs! They already tell us what to think in the media and now they tell us what to feel. The "change agents" and disciples of the "chosen" intelligentsia are busy doing just that. Some may consider me too conspiracy minded but there is a reason certain people with the smell of brimstone around them who got elected as the "popular" spokespeople for narcissism. There is a difference between being DIRECTED and having honest discourse among blogs. I have noticed elsewhere the "change agents" of narcissism, directing more dead emotions in the face of evil. They seek to shame ACONs instead of trying to understand that negative emotions in most human beings don't come out of a vacuum. 

One lie told out in the world is that it is WRONG to ever be angry. Anger itself is not always a sin. Anger can instigate sin, but it is not always itself wrong.

Ephesians 4:26 - Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

Anger has a God-given reason to exist from defending the innocent, to defending our boundaries and for standing up against evil. Milquetoast panty waist preachers will preach "Never be angry" and "Never judge" but this is one reason evil is allowed to run rampant in this world, because the "good people" with working consciences have been told to quell any protest or speaking out. Excuses are made for the wicked. I do not trust people who say "Never be angry!". In my experience most have been stood against justice and have sought to silence whistle-blowers in this world. They want you feeling guilty for your emotions, so you shut down and shut up. I believe God mandates certain behavior on my part, in not seeking revenge, and in trying to live a decent life, but is anger itself a sin? Anger in cases of severe abuse can keep you alive. It can keep you from being broken. The "Never be Angry" crowd, just don't get it. They would tell a rape victim, shut up and stop trying to punch your rapist in the face. I am not a pacifist. 

One thing I am kind of a different Christian, maybe like an "outsider artist", an "outsider Christian", the white picket-fence people who look and act so proper while some are decent people who had good lives, others are just with the appearance of righteousness.  Sugar-candy Christians are the ones who tell people "Don't rock the boat, "Ignore the fact Rev Perv is hanging out all hours with a 16 year old!" and "Hug the Vampire!" [a la Smakintosh's video I mentioned in another article]

I don't go with the "be nice"-"sugar-coaters" who barely believe Satan exists anymore. One reason sex abuse, and spiritual abuse is so rife in so many of the churches, is because the "good" people are told to forgive the "refusing to repent" reprobates and shut down all feelings of outrage. I left the Catholic church in 2002, when I was born again. I would have left alone finding out what a pedophile factory that place became and how the orders from the top were to protect the child-abusers. Of course sex abuse and other abuses are in every religion and denomination, but I have thought about for years why do so many stand silently by when so much evil is afoot? Most are shamed and told they are "too angry," "too bitter". This has been said to every activist in every cause in the world and that includes those who stand against fat discrimination. The message are "Get with the status quo!", "You are too angry!", "You can't forgive!", "You are bitter".

I remember telling one woman, in the Catholic church I left, "I am so disgusted!" She got upset and told me sex abusers need love too and the pedophile protecting bishops knew best.  Here is a place where people don't even understand how evil works and how bending down before and offering pearls before swine allows you be rend and how they want people to shut down emotions in their service.

If you are an ACON remember one thing about your family? How you were UTTERLY IGNORED unless they were busy beating you or cuffing you on the ear or doing a put down session? Your feelings didn't matter during the times they weren't telling you to shut up.

 I was thinking about something the other day, how mine simply did not care how I felt and told me I had no right to my emotions and today I say I do. The me of today will feel what I feel and own it. No one else has the right to tell me what to feel. No one else can read my mind or know what I have been through or not. Raise your hand if you have several chronic disease that have almost ended your life several times via medical neglect and abuse. No? Who are you to judge me then?

I have my good days where I am focusing on the myriads of life--comics, nature and time with husband and friends, but then bad moments still can come. I cried the other day, thinking my mother still gets to spend time with siblings who love her, while mine do not. Mother's Day obviously puts us all on edge. I spent years being told I was not allowed to have feelings, and to be frank if someone feels anger or bitterness, I hope they can deal with it in the proper fashion but for someone to tell someone who has been severely abused they don't have the right to their own emotions is completely and utterly wrong. They are not coming from a place of love or compassion but one of false judgment and "emotion control".  They are joining the chorus of narcissists and abusers who told us to hide our tears and squelch our anger and take the abuse.

Well forget that.......

"Why Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims"

"Why Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims"

"Today I’m the black sheep and the “loser” of my family. I’m never included in family functions because of my poverty and the fact I’m “different” than the rest of them. Although they disapprove of me, I really became exactly what they needed me to be. My becoming a “loser” ensured they would always be winners.

Sadly we are set up to be life long victims by narcissist families. This same exact dynamic happened to me as you all know.

"Although as an adult I’m no longer bullied (and am Very Low Contact with my ex), people still try to push me around, treat me like a mental defective, leave me out of conversations, overlook me for promotions or raises at work, or just talk over or look through me as if I’m not there at all. When I say something, people act like they don’t hear me. It’s very hard for me to make friends or fight back when I need to because I was trained from an early age to be so very afraid of everyone. I’m the proverbial shrinking Violet and wallflower–the kind of woman my mother used to mock for being so “insipid.” I seem to have the opposite of charisma."

I relate to Otter here, I was trained to be afraid of people too. This is the worse thing our narcissist parents do setting up us for more abuse by the world.

The Fleas of Narcissism

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Fleas, Fleas, Fleas

I have read about fleas of narcissism before. Lucky Otter talked about fleas recently too.  These are the things you can end up with from being raised in a narcissistic household. These would include learned behaviors and reactions they taught you during your childhood.

One thing I want to add here, is that if you are worried about being a narcissist, while some children of narcissists become a narcissist like them, you often are NOT! Narcissists do not worry about it, the very idea that they may be disordered is way beyond them. They would never in a million years admit anything is wrong with them. My mother in one pissed off email fest actually wrote, "**** thinks I am disordered!" by then I had laid it out and wrote to her that she was a narcissist and had no empathy, though I came to the sociopath conclusions later on.

One fleeting thought someone raised in sick sociopathic households can have, is "Am I anything like them?". One can have this feeling of, "Has the evil infected me?" Being raised with no love, I wonder how I was able to love people and I do. I knew by a very early age I did not want to be like my parents. For Aspies, justice is very important, it is hard to explain, some see Aspies as being little minion "rule-followers" but it's different then that, we want to follow what is "right" over wrong. My conscience was very different then their's. One thing that would happen to me is my parents would slap me for being "too sensitive". I was told constantly to "harden up"! Today as a 40 something, I know telling a ten year old crying Aspie, "You can't cope!", is pretty sick.

I struggle with my own worries about evil then. All Christians do and have to battle against the sins they may commit. God is merciful and there to forgive once one repents but I have worried about falling away under my crushing poverty and losing trust in God. Even crazy bad health problems one's thoughts can go into despair, instead of prayer. The concept of conscience was not taught in my family or acting according to one's conscience. I was different. I felt guilt.

However I struggled with a few fleas from being raised in my family. My family all had violent tempers, with screaming, yelling and throwing things and using foul language. They do not censor their tempers. Even Mini-Me has a bad temper and I saw her screaming at her kids a few times.

I can struggle with a bad temper though I have learned to temper it somewhat and try to keep the yelling to myself as much as possible within the confines of my apartment. I would never touch anyone, but when angry I can yell loud.

Long ago I learned to walk away from people while yelling, to keep the damage more minimal. The other day,  I started yelling about a door being locked in my face, and hopefully no one heard me. I said one irritated low volume thing with no cussing they did hear, and then thought inside, "I better cool it". Aspie melt-downs can complicate this, sometimes an Aspie is not mad but just anxious. I know I am not perfect and well, everything is a work in progress.

My family does not feel guilt over their tempers, they think it is okay to rant and rave and cuss the room blue. I was always embarrassed to eat out with my father because he would tell the wait-staff off over every little thing and even would yell. I had visions of goobers hitting our food back in the kitchen.  You know something is wrong when the neighbors are calling the police constantly over your family's screaming and yelling and they show up and because of your father's position do absolutely nothing while a poorer guy would be getting dragged off to jail.

This is an area where I definitely had to learn NOT to be like my family and to keep it in check.

Other ACONs may struggle with taking criticism--I am okay with criticism that is meant for improvement but not for the mean kind.

One rarer flea I can get is if I am around people I can tell do not like me or don't understand Aspies or have personality traits like my parents is I can get very sarcastic and will go into "fight or flight" mode inside. I will go into Aspie blunt mode and not "cloak" for the neurotypicals and throw caution to the wind. However this can be dangerous around narcs and other personality disordered types who can manipulate things to turn my emotions against me. Aspies have to remember blunt honesty isn't always the best social mode. Around narcs of course, silence and disappearing is safer.

I found myself  in a "fight or flight" mode in my stomach and having some of my fleas come out too often when I was around certain personalities. Sometimes it is not even something that a particular person is doing or any personality disorder but a clashing of values and world view.

This is one thing ACONs should always pay attention to when it comes to dealing with the world. Pay attention to how you FEEL around certain parties. These are feelings I am learning to pay attention to. Not everyone is a narc but we have to learn to control our fleas around personalities who may trigger us or we may differ with. I know there are neurotypicals out there who have no capability to understand me. Of course we have to be mindful of the personality disordered who may be out to hurt us too. During the early stages of no contact we can be more sensitive too as we wake up to new ways of doing and acting coming out of fog.

Others may have a hardened view towards the world. I know I did for a short time. My parents would scream at me for being "too sensitive" and I had that weird abuse where they denied me the protection and treatment owed a young girl where I was treated more like a boy. I was told to harden up and not to have feelings. My feelings angered them. They failed in this change of me, but there was some fleas left over.

 An ACON going through this one can get feelings like "Everyone is out to get me.", "I'm not going to be a sucker". I had this in my 20s to an extent expecting that everyone was going to screw me over. One roommate even asked me, "Why do you have to act like such a tough girl?" Get hit enough times and you are always ducking and this is not a good way to deal with the world. When I lived in the ghetto, I did grow somewhat harder and when I escaped to a small rural town, had to adjust my entire stance towards the world. I didn't need to walk around in defense mode all the time even if I had to learn balancing this one, self protection balanced with openness. I actually had to learn and experience that there were good, kind and loving people in the world which defines many of my friends.

One thing I had to do after becoming a Christian in my thirties, was I did use the Christian people I met as role models. I would pick older women, and some I still have on my social website, and would observe how they treated people. These were women with loving families and who gave to the community and treated people fairly and kindly. While I did Aspies are more apt to do this, in choosing mentors. My best jobs when I was young,  I always had a mentor.  I don't think this is a bad thing to do. I was doing it at an older age then most, but choosing positive role models when you have had negative ones for far too long is a good thing and I think a sign of healing.

So fleas can be overcome, you just have to be aware of them.

Update: I deconverted from Christianity. I was misled using Christian people as role models.A few are real people who are kind, but those were rare. 

Two Steps Forward, One Back

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The journey in being an adult child of narcissists can be a difficult path even after one has instituted "no contact". Do I regret my no-contact? Yes sometimes I have thought, "What have I done?" but knowing my nature, I lit the matches and threw them back on the bridges I wanted to burn down. This was to prepare for the moments of weakness that would hit. I have changed in the last year and 9 months probably more then in most of my life. ACONs who go no contact need to know there will be good days and bad days. I have spoken with people who went NC even years ago who spoke of the struggle of the "early years".

Good parts of my recovery

1. Getting to the nitty gritty of what happened. Admitting what happened. Many memories have returned too. Remember when I wrote about the Fat People Smell article? This is such a strange small thing but I had forgotten, repressed the years and years where my narcissistic mother told me I smelled and had "B.O". What did I remember? This happened almost every day with her wrinkling her nose at me. I was even struggling with OCD and over-washed my hands and body. I had "forgotten" how much of a daily thing this was. There has been the other return of memories too some very intense, and other smaller matters of an ongoing emotional struggle.

2. I am realizing that my illnesses are not my fault and deprogramming from the family using them to shame me. If anything my doctors say I am one of their most informed patients, and I did always know what my a1c was. It is important for patients to stay informed of their own medical conditions.

 I was scared recently because my diabetes scores jumped from the 150s-160s to 180s-to 190s or worse. I found out a new medicine I am on increases blood sugars in women for a short period of time and they go back down from my pharmacist. He told me to discuss this with my doctor, maybe wait some more months and this is written down as a matter of fact. If I have to go on insulin I will.

 All my life I have worked hard to stay alive. I have realized the depths of my abuse regarding being sick even more so. Kind people have given me mercy that the family never gave me. It is a miracle I am alive with what I have faced. Sick people with severe rare illnesses even if one had obesity that was unexplained or from an eating disorder, should have love and kindness not hatred and cruelty or being ignored and shoved away. What they did to me in ostracizing me for being fat and sick was unconscionable and it marks them as the kind of people they were not me. I am learning to take better care of myself.

3. I and my husband had grown closer. Our life is very difficult and the money problems remain a consistent severe worry but being away from the family pressures have helped. No more do we have all these people judging him and me, who had everything handed to them while we struggle for every little thing.

4. My boundaries have gotten better and I am not worried about people-pleasing. I still struggle being Aspie but I believe my communication with others is opening up where I can be more vulnerable and form closer relationships with the good people but I am also being more mindful in avoiding toxic ones.

The Difficult parts of recovery

1. This feeling of deep grief. We mourn the families we wanted to have but need to deal with the fact of what we actually ended up with. No Contact isn't always an easy ride. The things I am facing are difficult. What would you say if I told you at times, I feel this grief that scares me. I think this is something my mother did to my soul. I have remembered other times in life where it has cropped up.

It is a feeling of being untethered to the world, a feeling of no hope and a feeling that of intense sadness. It is grief times ten. It is like I don't belong anywhere.  It is the feeling of inner despair that rips my guts out when it comes to haunt me. Two days ago I had this feeling, I couldn't shake it. We were out grocery shopping and the feeling was hitting me, I kept thinking those people matter and belong somewhere and "I do not". These are the thoughts and feelings I have to CONSTANTLY battle to keep going. It does worry me why I am so plagued by these things. Intellectually I can understand what happened to me, but emotionally I need time.

 It has me look at other people and wish I was them and not me. I don't even know how to describe it to therapists, but I think inside it is related to not being loved as a child. It is a feeling that harkens back to the very beginning and something that has nibbled at my being for too long. There is no doubt that having a mother who does not love you is an intense loss and dealing with one who has no conscience complicates things When I am under stress for an extended period of time, it can come back. I fight it with prayer, trying to concentrate on different things and distraction but it seems to creep back.

I think this grief is something all ACONs can relate to. The empty hole inside that started from a childhood where no one used to embrace you, love you or show you any kindness. It can get hard for me still when I see people with their families, knowing they have a place of belonging. When one sees loving families in public, or elsewhere it can be very difficult for us. I do think this may be a loss we will all have to deal with, and accept as something that may always be there. We lost something that was very important for human beings.

2. Realizing the lost relationships with younger people in the family. This would be nieces and nephews and younger cousins. I hate this idea of losing them but what can I do? They don't realize how severely abused I was. They are too young to understand. They don't understand how they have been manipulated with relationships destroyed in the wake of my narcissistic mother and other wicked relatives. One could be abused and the new scapegoat and I can tell maybe is suspecting her mother cannot love, but my worry remains, "What if she becomes like her?" Knowing that because I had to walk away from abusers, that it is possible I will never see them again, has brought me incredible grief. I wanted to be a good aunt and was denied that opportunity.

Grief is Not a Mental Illness

Very Dangerous Narcissism

One thing I've had to think of since my no contact is safety. It has bubbled up in my mind before. Remember the book, "The Gift of Fear"? It always told you to trust those inner instincts and if you think someone is dangerous they often are. Situational awareness saved me from even worse crime while working in the big city and with dangerous youth. I have been in positions that were life and death, kind of like a cop. Instincts are honed in this sort of setting. Maybe this was one thing that helped wake me up with enough time.

 One thing if you realize someone is a sociopath, and they are operating without a conscience they aren't held in by the same moral code. You know you have to watch your back. Sociopaths are dangerous. I have told friends if anything ever was to happen to me that is suspicious you know where to look.

Narcissistic Survivor is right to tell people how low these narcissists will go. They will lie to destroy your life. When he brings up the narcissists telling people that you are mentally ill, that already happened to me. Mine did that for years. That was started when I was very young and she used my Aspergers to ruin my reputation because I was not like most other people. I have written in another article that one thing that fueled my breaking away was her seizing guardianship over my Aunt Scapegoat who is in better health then me. 

My mother is very good at fooling people and I think is one of the most "talented" sociopaths and narcissists out there. She controls the entire family and just like my grandmother is considered the "heroic matriarch" to the other members of the family. She never goes without getting her needs met. In this world she has always come out on top in the extreme. She has always won and never lost in this world. Just the fact that "one" got away and out of the locus of control would be enough to bring extreme anger.

 One thing I have noticed about narcissists, some are bad at it, they drive people away, they do not have the charisma to pull off having a following. They end up alone and with miserable lives.  Mine is very good. She will never fear being alone or being the one left out in the cold. She will have minions to bow down before her for life.  She successfully isolates anyone she wishes to scapegoat without pause. There is a reason, I don't even have one ally or someone else who broke away within the family system on both sides. There isn't a sympathetic family friend either. I am sure incredible lies are being spread now.

 In my case, I do not see my narcissists as harmless. Not at all. My suspicions about them only grew as the fog cleared. I know mine could seek "revenge" and if things go on long enough, the pretend nice cards could end, and the narcissistic rage could kick in.  Mine would desire it just for making her "look bad" to the outside family by cutting her off. Regarding this blog, if it ever was found, I better keep praying for protection like I always do.

He is right to warn, "They will go to any length to destroy you". My guard will not be going down. I agree about saving all emails and voicemails. I printed out two of her mean emails, early on to remind me to stay of why I went no contact to begin with when the early false guilt came.

Anything goes for someone like that.

 I know in my case if I ended my no contact punishment would await even if there were tons of fake smiles and presents to be had. Some will do anything to lure back the ones who escaped, I keep seeing that story repeated over and over with other ACONs. I will never forget that during my first no contact, she had no way to find out where I lived but got it out of someone maybe an employer or even private investigator and literally "hunted" me down.

 Hopefully mine has thrown up her hands given the time that has passed but the creepy fake cards with the neat handwriting make me feel like she is "laying in wait" which gives me even more of a creepy feeling and an inner message to stay away! How do I explain this all to you? When I first departed I thought, "She will be happy to see me gone and it will be discard and devalue time", but it didn't happen that way.

 He talks about how "they are very patient" and they will "take their time setting you up." 

Sadly she will be looking for a new scapegoat to fill my position. Hey I warned who I could, so my conscience is clear.

Staying no contact is what will keep me and you safe---- "Never trust them not for one split second."