My Cluster B Parent Died and I Felt Nothing

 There was a LOT I related to in this video, including when he talks about picturing himself in the mental institution and how his enabling father would silence their laughter because it enraged his imposter mother.

 His discussions about dealing with the damage and process of discovery are quite revelatory. I think back on when I was a teen, reading psychology books from the library and when I discovered the book "The People of the Lie" at the age of 18.

One good part of the video is when he discusses how we remodel their abuse into the "love" we are told they have...where the bullying is called "acts of discipline". Sometimes it can take years to work through gaslighting ourselves as children due to this indoctrination. This comes from "the impossible task of reconciling malevolent behavior with a benevolent image". When he talks about not missing her and never desiring her company, that was me, and of course as children, that brings on the guilt. "Children aren't supposed to feel this way about their parents."

He also dealt with a two-faced parent, all us ACONs remember those sweet words to others, as they just finished cussing us out. Mine would smile and then after the visitors left, would say things like "Who do they think they are!?" and would complain about them. Most people never could fathom what my mother said about them behind closed doors.

His mother's other traits matched many of mine. Mine took some things further being higher on the Cluster B spectrum, but the vanity and masks are the characteristics of many narcissists. His discussion of when he figured out her cruelty and mind-games, when she told him he was going green, is also an interesting segment. It took me time to realize mine did a lot of mean things on purpose. It wasn't about correcting behavior or that I was "wrong", she simply wanted to screw around with me for kicks. My father was a narcissist too in my case, but followed many of the behaviors of Walter.

His discussion of "internal patchwork parents" also stood out to me. I did the same thing, with nuns and teachers I loved, that aunt I spent too little time with, neighbors and latching on to friend's decent parents. 

There is a part 2 to come. I've always liked Theramin Tree videos, his warnings about the corruption of organized religion too, have been helpful to me. 

Among the Zombies, I must be Cautious.

 

The dystopian nightmare seems like it will never end. I don't feel much in common with a lot of people. Don't  people get normal colds anymore? I went on my Facebook the other day, at least 6 all wrote, "I have Covid!" Their belief in the plastic pregnancy strips of doom, never ends. One wrote she was canning chicken and rice while being ill. If you are that sick, you would not be canning. Canning seems too exhausting to me right now.  I know she's unvaxxed. I wrote her and said, "Why do you trust those PCR tests, do you want masks and lockdowns back? Maybe you just had a cold!" She's ignoring me. LOL I probably should keep my mouth shut more, but I feel so repressed as it is like a balloon being squeezed among the zombies. Some almost seem proud of Covid. They seem gleeful, like they are part of a club. She has no excuse having questioned the vaxxes. I don't get it. 

I did succeed in throwing off the masks and "living normal". Thank God.  I ruined my life listening to fear mongers online about the "long term" effects of Covid and hid out too long, and paid the price. Fortunately I have a few close friends, we stuck together during all this. I exchanged presents with two the other week, and we had a friend visit for Christmas. However life is still anything but normal. I feel weird around normal people, like I have to still watch every word I say. It's kind of maddening. I haven't been able to reclaim the same social life I used to have. It's gone. I have no money for former activities too. Add in losing all ability for conversation outside of the transcribe phone. 

We have no money to go see the art club [I miss them], and I left the church. There's not much going on here anymore. There's no fun anymore. I don't know where to go. Even then conversation always seem stilted, I don't relate to most people at all. We have a few weeks until we can go to the senior center. Even then where's the motivation to talk to people who buy into all this? Except for my few friends and husband, I feel so lonely and out of sorts around "regular" people. I never knew this level of isolation was possible.

From movies, we all imagine dystopia and economic collapse, bringing endless allies, to whisper with and meet with drinking coffee, to say how much Hitler sucks. There would protesters and pissed off people in the street. There's a few who understand, I almost burst out in tears of joy to be around a nurse who had the score at my functional doctor, but I see mostly blank-faced zombies at the grocery store and elsewhere. On Facebook, I talk about "nice stuff" except for a few friends in the know. I get frustrated a lot. I don't feel the same about a lot of people. Why did you accept this? Why are you still falling for it? Why are you getting sick, and not finally getting mad as your health implodes. Why do you believe the economy is great, as some of us go without groceries just because a guy that calls himself a liberal--ha what a joke-- is president?

Speaking of liberals, Bernie Sanders threw up the Covid "script" on Twitter. That guy's another disappointment. He's another sell-out and hypocrite. I regret all my support for him. We even donated to his campaign. He's another simp. Old man with a lot of money, sometimes saying things that sound nice, but all he did was assure more standing for the status quo. 

Maybe I've grown too repressed. That I should just let it all out and be hated as the "crazy conspiracy theorist". At least my head would feel clear, but the social price would be too much. I haven't felt safe in a long time. This is like life with my family, one wrong word and feeling like I'll get smashed. 

 When I hear about variants and the rest of it, I think "Shut up!" at this point. My functional doctor did promise treatment if I catch anything. My regular doctor [my other one got sick from the vaxx and left the practice] is of sound mind too, fortunately for me. I will never forgive the bastards in charge for my lost three years. Us disabled were left scrambling in the dark. The Covidian politicians, big Pharm and others have nothing to offer me but death, misery, no solutions, and more bullshit.

I feel betrayed by the Covidian professionals. Am I wrong to? All I know is their submission and lack of critical thinking, will ruin more of my life and leave me vulnerable to new things the evil hatch. Sure I feel sorry for the deceived at times, and question my own beliefs, but it shocks me how so many still don't get that something is very wrong.  We on the awake side all know who would help drag us to the trains without hesitation.  I don't watch the news anymore. Too many lies. Most of it is propaganda. 

I stroll into stores sans masks. I can breathe and move easier. There's a lot of physical suffering, I remained in denial about. Finding normal seems beyond me. The masks did harm my health and lowered my oxygen. If they do a new pandemic, I'm not going to wear them.  I probably could get a medical exemption now based on COPD. They smothered me long enough. I do wonder if my health is permanently ruined. I'm having scary symptoms like seeing my heart beat in my eyes. I read anemia, cardiovascular problems--those are obvious, and other factors can cause this. I told my doctors. Maybe I've been fat too long. My blood pressure is normal, even kind of on the low end, and oxygenation. I'm supposed to exercise, I think of the long ago gym. How would my health be today if this crap hadn't happened? I wonder about that stuff. My health was improving back then. Why does everything have to be a struggle? Why is so much taken away?

I feel locked in a box both physically and mentally. I want out. I'm getting out. Just like I said Screw it, to living in isolation and being smothered by those damn masks, I'm saying screw it to a life with no future. I've arrived at these points at other times in life. It's time to leave a place. I wanted to leave years ago. Now it is necessary. It's like the time I escaped from Chicago. 

It's time for a life reset. This life isn't working. I know you always take yourself with you and maybe I came to depend on geographic cures too much, but I wanted to leave where I am at years ago. It never felt "right". I should have never left my old small town but there was no choice. You all can't even comprehend the regret and tears over that. 99 % of this town is vaxxed. I would estimate 80% are true believers and still lining up. I see people who question it all online. I'm good at pattern recognition. Part of me thinks get out why you can, as they are all going to get sick. The autoimmune illness and multiple cases of dementia in one still sleeping group was a giant waving flag. Stores and restaurants are closing here like crazy too. They say they can't get workers. Maybe because no one can afford the rent here, or maybe because so many people died or became disabled.

I'm going on more supplements, some vit B seemed to help for a time, but then I got this latest flare. I do need better food, less stress and more happiness. My life is kind of falling apart. Economically and otherwise. Many good friends have helped us. Yet again I'm in the place, where I have to "attempt" a life reset. I didn't get to have a normal life like other people, so many times of being "forced out of places". Remember my economic nomad article? Life in this community is not sustainable. Most of my friends live a little distance away. Yet another town, has told me, "you can't stay". and "you do not belong". There's no decent housing here. The rent has been skyrocketing for some time.

Two days ago, I had my husband take me to a small art museum, it was mostly to make myself walk around a little bit. Some people said migraines affects this for them. I've had a LOT of migraines lately. Light always feels too bright. I'm in a flare now, every skin sore busts out bodywide, my forehead is rotting off in red patches, psorasis over the top, extreme fatigue where I could sleep all day, the hearing always seems to fall a few notches. Chronic fatigue is from hell. I've gone so deaf all conversation is toast. I fear dying while I watch young healthy people chose death. It pisses me off. Even my desire for life, screams against them in the inner recesses of my brain. What is wrong with you? I wrote some people that my history of chronic illness has made all of this unbearable. Watching people throw lives away they take for granted.

Bad health problems are harder to deal with when the majority of the world is focused on illness and there seems to be no end of it. I noticed people getting sicker years ago. I know a few regretters who took the vaxxes and never touched that poison again, but around here they seem rare. There's too many still lining up for their clot shots, no matter how sick they get. I have uncharitable thoughts about "stupid people" far too often, as they gulp down their Jim Jones juice, and then tell the world "I have Covid" over and over. This discrepancy always has bothered me.  One wrote, "we just got our booster in October!" [number 7?] and complained about having Covid, I think this is this person's fourth or fifth bout of it. I'm beyond fed up with them. The Bible had a verse about living in peace with people, so I remind myself, they've made their choices. Keep your own boundaries. There's nothing you can do about it. You aren't responsible for their choices. My duty as I wrote on that other article is finding the best life I can find. If something is not working, it's simply not. 

I said to my husband one day as he gave me some idealistic view of politics, "We are old, we can't save this world, many have chosen destruction and death". He gave me kind of a weird look. I then added, "We have to take care of ourselves and find a better and more secure life, for whatever years we got left". 

My past memories of remembering people laugh and talk, seem so far away. Everyone forgot what life was like in 2019. I was on my Facebook the other day. The few friends act "real", but normal people weird me out. It's bad here in the grocery stores and in public life. Like people don't have emotions anymore. 

Everyone seems sick constantly. This beyond the people who write "I have Covid" over and over on their walls. You hear all this bad stuff constantly, people constantly in the hospital, people constantly dying. I ask all the time, "Why aren't they putting the puzzle pieces together?" The truther community keeps claiming the dam is going to break! They think Warp Speed Trump is going to step in and stop the genocide. What a freaking joke. They write things like "The Spars scenario is going to happen, the truth is coming out! People are getting so sick they can't deny it."

 I lost hope of it long ago, looking at the people around here and the majority on my Facebook wall, they remain clueless as ever. No one even seems to grieve what life used to be, and they have embraced the "new normal" and now constant illness and death have been embraced and "normalized". They don't even care that teens and kids are having heart attack and strokes. If that didn't wake them up what would? I have nothing in common with these people. Sometimes I feel like they want to stamp out my inner light too. 

The Lies Never End

 Well the Covid vaxxes are the reason for all the heart failure, but I guess now it's cover up time....

Obesity is Chemical Bloat

                                       source

Obesity is Chemical Bloat

We have known for decades that exposure to endocrine disrupting chemicals increases the risk of developing obesity. Look up the term: OBESOGEN. This includes the chemicals found in common consumer goods that have been known to cause damage to the adipose tissue system for decades. In addition to increasing the stores of energy in fat cells, endocrine disrupting chemicals store themselves in fat cells. Drawing on fat cells for energy releases the stored poisons. This is the obvious reason why those with obesity also suffer from chronic inflammation, cancers, heart disease, liver disease and other diseases associated with exposure to endocrine-disrupting chemicals.

Chemicals are fattening people up. People in the old days ate food, they didn't have to do special extreme diets like Keto or Carnivore to be a normal weight. Some of the anti-fat pundits may say "Oh everyone got more lazy and started pigging out!" I don't buy it. For years, I posted on endocrine disruptors and toxins that impacted weight on this blog. We swim in a chemical soup and in America, it's worse than Europe because Europe outlaws far more harmful chemicals. What is the chemical soup doing to everyone?

One part of my history I haven't mentioned much is epigenetics, my father worked at this Asphalt company and said he was poisoned. Now this was before my birth, but he would go on rants about how that place poisoned him when he was young and ruined his health for good. He would go on about how he got exposed to Benzene. It is used in asphalt production. Now imagine this, it's the 1950s and early 60s, I don't think environmental protections were up and running back then. When I got my medical records so much matched his, as I have written here. Probable misdiagnosed Lipedema, Lupus, and psorasis, and much more.

I also wonder about all the chemicals I got exposed to in art classrooms. I had to stop teaching any classes with clay as far back as the juvenile home. Even having the kids wipe the tables off after class and cleaning everything up, clay created a lot of dust, and it gave me asthma. Oil Painting? I had to stop by my mid 20s, the solvents were making me sick. My glass of paint thinner full of brushes brought me worse spells of dizziness. Imagine a whole classroom of paint thinner, and kids using it. Most of the time I stuck with acrylics, but there were art projects that used variety of solvents like making marbleized paper and other special projects.

I got this one temp job mid college working at a printing company drawing cartoon characters on plastic sheets, I think they were being used for animation or production of some kind. However I only lasted three weeks, right next to printing production, the smells gave me daily migraines. My migraines always brought visual auras, I felt like I was going to die. I liked the work, and felt it opened doors, after all the job used my art skills! However I had to quit.

If you google obesogens, you will endless chemicals out in our environment that negatively affect weight.

Financial Times: The Culture Wars Dividing America's Most Liberal Church

 Financial Times: The Culture Wars Dividing America's Most Liberal Church

This is a new article about the Unitarian Universalist church and what's happening in those circles. They talk about the proposed changes to the articles of the church:

"These would be replaced with a set of “values” represented by a flower pattern, with a chalice and the word “LOVE” at the centre and six petals representing the new values. These include a new commitment to “dismantle racism and all forms of systemic oppression”, and a change of wording in the very first principle of Unitarian Universalism. While the old principle said the “inherent worth and dignity of every person” should be affirmed and promoted, the new value says that “every person has the right to flourish with inherent dignity and worthiness” — a subtle but significant change in the language, critics say." 

Well, the troubles in the Unitarian Universalist church have hit international news. It's a small church, so very little is known about it, but some of the latest happenings are coming to light. Many are realizing the left and many of its institutions since Covid have definitely lost their way. They have become apologists for draconian globalism and the will of mega-corporations more than they have support for the betterment of anyone's life. If the USA goes ultra right wing, as I predicted years ago, I will blame the left and its failures. The left truly did become fascist for Covid tyranny. 

Culture wars made me weary in my Christian fundamentalist days. We had constant sermons on abortion, and other culture wars hot topics. No one ever seemed to have any real solutions that would work. It was a lot of rhetoric not backed up by any action to make anyone's lives better. I got in trouble a lot in fundamentalist circles, saying most abortions were sought under economic duress, maybe that needs changed. I didn't do well with other cultural topics. I still remember my last IFB pastor railing against those on welfare, while we were on welfare, from the pulpit, screaming the bible verse, about "those who don't work, don't eat". That guy was never short of a desired dollar in his life. 

Sadly, I feel like I experienced the same in the Unitarian Universalist church. I was on the edges as everyone rallied for the latest greatest culture war. I didn't have the "right" thoughts or beliefs and no longer fit in. There was a long list I did not conform to. Imagine being in a UU church when you are against gun control and think kids need protecting from butchering surgeons and doctors who want to fill them up with harmful hormones. Imagine questioning aspects of the morality of abortion too. 

Read this article for background on this one:

The Unitarian Universalist Church Controversy: When Your Church Goes So Woke You Can't Bear It.

One online acquaintance told me, group dynamics always disintegrate. They are on to something there. Churches, governments, social clubs and fan clubs always seem to go to a bad place. They start off with good intentions but then the evil people seeking power and prestige come along and ruin it for everyone. Just as empires disintegrate, maybe organizations do too with enough time. 

David Cycleback is right about the Unitarian Universalist Association becoming "far left authoritarians". They do truly operate the same way. Think about it, I have been in America's most conservative church, the IFB or "independent fundamentalist baptist" church for many years and I have had 20 years of my adulthood associated with the Unitarian Universalist church. There's the same dynamics happening.

"Fanatical, dogmatic behavior, such as exhibited within the current UUA, exists in both the extreme political left and right and is a matter of psychology not politics. An Emory University study showed that far-left authoritarians share key personality traits with the far-right. A University of Montana study showed that leftists are just as likely to be dogmatic authoritarians as those on the right. 

 There's a reason that the UU wants to remove "freedom of conscience" from their charter now. Just as much as the fundamentalists expected me to be a Republican, which led to many troubling moments such as when I wrote a complaint letter to my first IFB minister when he told me to vote for Bush, the same applied to the Unitarian Universalists. I was expected to be a supporter of the Democrat party and to support Biden. There were certain "expected" politics. It's funny but there was even one moment when I got called a "radical" by a couple UUs for supporting Bernie. Now some may say, well those things naturally happen, people seek like-minded others when choosing a church but it seemed the expected politics and causes got narrower and narrower as I got older.

Everything is so commercialized and controlled now. Even the "woke" stuff is meant to paper over and distract from reality. Just like the "identity wars" protect the billionaire class as they rip us off and destroy our lives, it's all distractions. There were times I started feeling like I did in my old churches. No one wanted to deal with reality or one's real life. There was no longer no interest in truth.

Wokeness is a Product of Neoliberalism

The UU massively changed. I was in the UU way back in the late 80s and back then, there was almost this accepted notion one could debate and still disagree. In fact, the intellectual bent of the UU church was appealing to me, because independence of thought was so respected back then. Even the UU "World" magazine instead of being a organ of every "Woke" cause like with the latest pro-trans article pushing surgeries and hormones on a young person I really feel sorry for, was full of debates and arguments in the "letters to the editor" section. In the old days, there would have been no silencing like this about controversial topics.

Doing away with article 2, is not a good pathway, and there is an emphasis now by the official Unitarian Universalist Association on "shared values" and "covenant" which oddly is a Baptist word, denoting endless responsibilities to God and church. They almost want to turn what used to be a creedless church into a creed-filled church of the ultra-woke and politically correct. I had discussions with one church member I had kept in contact with, that this gave me flashbacks to time in the Baptist church. 

I realized the UU church was losing the plot especially since Covid. I cannot even describe my level of disappointment, in being the only one who questioned any of it. Where I live, none of the churches questioned it, not even the Baptists. My old IFB probably just ignored the topic, after all their loved Saint Trump supported Operation Warp Speed. 

The UU sadly has become a bastion of so called luxury beliefs. I knew going back into the UU, the same class divide would still exist. This class divide I realized definitely affected my differing views from the majority of my UU congregation. Everyone's circumstances affects their outlooks on life. I enjoyed many people in my past congregation. Many were kind and giving folks. 

Many UUs are so out there in high paid professional and academia land, even being mostly well-meaning, they have lost touch with the reality of most people in America. Sadly, many do not realize the depths of social inequality in our society and what is happening to people especially the young. 

Utopian visions among human beings always seem to go dark, no matter what it is. The "woke" left seems intent on imposing their "anti-oppression" views via more oppression. What a mess. 

This is why you see so many commenters on this article calling the UU a "farce" and a "joke".  I think they see this divide. One of the commenters on this article refers to "boomeritis", others "affluent, white, leftish, well meaning 'good people" and others still to the failure of liberalism as a whole, and the travesties of unbelief and referring to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions. 

There is no political left

A book I want to read:

Hollow Gods: Why Liberalism Became a Destructive Religion

New Poem. [And Yes, it Refers to the Movie]

 

They Live (Choose Eternity)

Too much obedience is a bad thing

Don’t dull your aura to a gray

Wearing the sunglasses of despair 

Among the sleeping.

Don’t mute yourself.

(I wasn’t afraid to tell you who I am)

Don’t empty out your mind

Sitting in the groups 

Where the charismatic

Shine with empty words

to those with no interior dialogue

And those of wisdom afraid to speak

Hold fast to your legacy and refuse to

Be a chimera to the corporations

We were resolute towers

Walking among the men as trees

Don’t join the crowd of hollowed out pillars

Those trapped in linear time and digits

They never found their boats of discovery

God defend us in a world waxing cold.

I don’t approve of any of it

Some of us spoke out with risk

As they built the prison walls and lit the pyres

The gaslighters blew smoke forming a fog

The house was on fire and everyone just sat there

Inequity will abound, endure to the end

Among the scattered sheep

Who got tired of being told what to believe

Mothered by books, a Cinderella to clean the house

And find the hidden papers

We were long ago tired of the lies.

Life force holding stead, burning it bright 

Elder Orphans hold firm resolve

Among the crying ancestors and ghosts with their smells.

I was done and undid my chains and freed

Myself without asking permission

Life is to live, run away with me, my love

We grew old anyway but at least we never lost our souls

A blip on the screen, a dust mote in the wind, a time in a bottle to be held. 

Growing Up as A FAT Kid

 

This video was interesting, it does show what it is like. It's too bad his grandmother overfeeds him. When I was writing Fat Pat, I thought of all the bad foods I was given, what if I had been given healthy foods? He goes to the gym, I'm glad his friends are supportive. I think about when I joined the gym and went and liked it, but there was so little weight loss. Some may find their way out, I hope so. Probably cases where normal eating brings a thinner body helps, I like the part where his three friends have changes from the gym and he still deals with being fat though he loooks a little more in shape. 

Fat Pat will be on sale soon.

 

I'll be posting Fat Pat for sale very soon, probably in the next week or so. So get ready. 236 pages!

[UPDATE: I have an opportunity to get FAT PAT professionally printed and spiraled bound, so they will be more like real books/ zines! I plan to sell electronic copies and printed copies, so there is a delay but this is why!]

I Miss the Old Left

 

The left has gone off the rails long ago. See: The Modern Left has gone Fascist for Covid Oppression

Food Costs Skyrocketing

 I've been watching this guy's channel, "The Real Economy", he lives in Florida, but the prices are very similar to where I live. Food is getting too high. My fridge is completely empty except for some condiments, and eggs. We bought some lunch meat, a tomato and bread. It is getting to the point where we can't afford groceries anymore ourselves. I wonder why Americans just roll over and take this crap, they'll take to the streets about a crime 5 states away but won't do jack to protest as the economy crushes them.

 I haven't missed a meal yet but many of them have sucked. I've done a few bouts of involuntary "intermittent fasting" delaying breakfast into lunch time, etc, but with diabetes you can only push this so far. I just ate now for first time, [at around 11] but know more hunger pain will come in the afternoon. 

The food pantry food still sucks too. Beggars can't be choosers but why can't people tell them, we can't eat all sugar and carbs? There's a few decent finds like a bag of almonds I've been eating a few out of at a time for acouple of months, but one box had 3 bags of sugary granola, 3 bags of frozen sugary fruit, and other foods I can't eat. I've had to eat macaroni with some government Velveeta-like cheese they've passed out. It's always starch and sugar city and you never see ingredients for actual meals. 

Our household is on the edge of collapse. Emergency mode is here, where I'm boxing up what I can and selling what I can. My rent is paid on time because of my disability check, but there's no money for anything! I'm two weeks late on the electric bill. Get this, my husband works all the time at his freelance and gig employment but it's so little money, the bills are destroying us.

 My clothes are getting frayed again and like usual my self esteem is dropping like a rock as a result. My walker is taped together, with the ripped up handles wrapped in layers of duct tape. I'm wearing old shoes falling apart because the shoes I saved from Trump money times, sadly are too tight, and I didn't gain weight since then!

Friends have helped us. Thank you friends, but you get scared of being a burden to your friends. Always a taker instead of a giver, what a cursed life! We got three years free of the food pantries and other BS but now we are back in the poverty zone. I'm sure my rich mother and sister won't be going without food. My mother's pantries were always full to the bursting level with two full refrigerators and two freezers.

God always votes against me. I don't know why.  I wonder if God will send my mother more money while allowing me to be crushed. I didn't want much, just a life with basic bills paid, able to do art work, go to a few groups, see a few friends. 

We disagree about what to do. I want to sell everything off and leave. There's no future here. I wonder if we should go find a boarding house or rental room but my disabilities are too severe to live with any strangers. If we are going be poor, at least let's get a life not gutted by bills and living on the constant edge and go live around other poor people so we are not lonely. We failed to "adult"! I have stuff to post and sell today. Selling a starving artist wall painting for 40 bucks--not painted by me, it was a decorative item, bought dinner the other day.  If I was healthy, I'd maybe chose van life or other alternatives. 

  Let's have rent that doesn't totally blast my disability check out of the water.  Imagine a disability check vaporized in one day from rent and electric bill--the electric bill money had to go to something else last week. Oh yeah it was the 60 dollar car oil change which was overdue, and something else. By the way car oil changes used to cost 30 dollars just two years ago. My husband shares his money, all money is considered each other's money but what's the use of that if there's none left?  I'm paying for a life that lacks meaning at this point beyond "survival". Why the hell don't I ever meet anyone poor like me, who can talk about it? Why do I always have to be the one in the ditch?

Maybe the places where you have rent for 500 a month, aren't the fanciest but we can't afford the nice stuff around us here anyway. Even subsidized may not save us, since we ride the edges of the cut off income. I get the feeling they don't want many married people in those places. The list could come up this summer or next year, there's no way to know. 

He wants to stay in the land of wealthy boomers. I told him while there's doctors and charities here, my life quality now sucks, there's no one to relate and we can't pay all these bills anymore. I understand why he is wary. Things could get worse. The work-world is hell for autistics. I believe one reason husband's career has been so troubled, is he has major traits of autism though he remains undiagnosed. If his best friend is autistic [told by his counselors] and his wife is autistic, do the math. I know autistic people in their 50s who still live at home. One in town here, struggles to get jobs, he gets hired for short periods of time in his case but then gets laid off far too easily. My husband could keep employed for longer periods of time but always got pushed to the back of the room. 

 All the politicians and leaders have done is crush us. They suck. They destroyed my life with their Covid shit, got away with MURDERING millions, yeah I will call it murder, and now are destroying us via the economy. Look at the food prices on that video. That's what it costs here. Who can afford that crap? Even the middle income people have to be losing it now since their overhead is far higher. He has another video where he goes through the COSTCO, and everything costs so much, it must be all for millionaires. I couldn't even see someone making 100,000 a year affording that garbage.

 I can see the streets filling with homeless people. One thing that pisses me off, is how they keep gaslighting us about the economy through official channels, the same bullshit, that is papering over all the health effects from the Covid vaxx. I can't even tolerate reading any "liberal" website as they still gloat over Biden. Maybe most of that crap is written by rich trust fund kids. Biden sucks. Biden/Trump whatever, they all suck!

I don't know what to do. My husband's applied for new jobs. He can barely walk [this is a chronic problem] and even last night when we went to a friend's art opening, he had a lot of problems getting around and had to sit down to rest quite a bit. If we had money, I'd buy him his own sit-down rollator too. He should have been on disability years ago. He already makes minimum wage [10 dollars an hour in this state] full time a week at his remote work, so trying to get a retail, fast food or other low level job wouldn't change anything. His lack of a vacation or downtime, shows. Imagine a life where you never get time off work, or have to always worry about bringing in money every second. 

I'm shutting everything off--well the only thing to shut off is rock bottom basic cable, but we can't afford that either. A friend got me a firestick which was nice. I tried to talk him into shutting off the long distance line but he says he needs it for work along with the Internet. I have to keep my transcribe phone going [40 dollars a month] for communication.

 At least he doesn't have to drive anywhere except a few events he covers for freelance. We have discovered Indeed seems to just have listings that lead nowhere and there are tons of jobs now, that are nothing but scams. He applied for government jobs and never hears back, even remote ones. The "labor shortage" is a lie. They are destroying the economy too via "controlled demolition" and lying about it. 

A new poem by me: What Being Poor Means

 

                                                       Peep falling down the ladder yet again!

If I publish any of these I'll have to take it down but for now will post it here. When Fat Pat is done, I'm planning an art chapbook/zine of my poetry and art combined. Probably paintings related to what the poems are about. We are sinking back into poverty. My husband just learned of a new layoff to come for one half of his freelance work. This shows really bad economic signals. Think "Depression" not recession. Hopefully he will be able to find more work, but my life is in upheaval yet again with the "bottom falling out". Anyhow here's a poem about what being poor means. 

What Being Poor Means

I think of the brown briefcase

with a million dollars,

my favorite talkative bus driver

found in 1996 under the seat 

I usually sat in. He turned it in. 

Was he insane?

Not on the work schedule that day

this shimmer of change

vaporized.

One slight peek of the green paper

and I would have left the city of 

Big Shoulders that night

for a new state. 

No more bus for me.

God is the angry Dad behind the door

that always says No

and ignores you

My religious years

were spent reading the bible daily 

My pastor preached God blesses those

who obey him

Now pay your tithe of 10 percent!

Some of us never could afford it

I could quote Deuteronomy to Revelation

It didn't fix things

God didn't listen

I didn't care about the suburban house

or diamond ring or fancy vacation

Thrift stores were heaven

We just wanted meaning 

purpose and direction

and the threats to stop.

All the bad stuff came true

as we await another world war

another vat for trillions of dollars

The church family was vaporized

with the crash of 2008

Prayer was begging for the boot

stomping on the face of humanity 

to stop. 

The hand with the Play-Doh 

squeezed harder.

We faked "gratitude"

 but only found it outside

away from civilization

a few sunsets

with red in the sky

above the waters

The ultra rich never lack a dollar for war

and have the money to sell it 

And we are supposed to cheer for the billions for death

in their endless human destroying resets

as we sink under the waves. 

Its time to refuse.

Duper's Delight exploding across 

little troll faces in suits

too many Napoleons with

glints in the eye yearning for pockets to empty

The fraternity rewarded sociopathy

No soup for you!

They don't care about the children

they destroy.

But everyone does what they say

with minds full of coins

cold to the touch 

Grocery shopping in shame with the plastic card

that always says No. Not Today

Guilt for bread as the groceries cost too much

Cheese is a treat from the food pantry

Cabbage for the Willy Wonka grandparents

always boiling and stinking on the stove. 

The farmers worked so hard

but saw instant rewards in black dirt and community

It's having no home, and looking at maps

Where can we pay 500 dollars a month in rent

[to scramble more back] but still find a doctor?

Appalachia? The Upper Pennisula? Maine?

Johnstown Pennsylvania?

One city already died with abandoned houses

and now another is pushing you out.

The poor are the outcasts

and don't even have each other anymore. 

"Lets stay here!" but then how do we survive?

The affluent live in another world

some can't even imagine.

The ones with lands, family and farms want the

safety nets cut away

The ones with good corporate jobs

go with the causes of the system.

The poor are to be hidden away

So they don't talk about them anymore. 

The tent cities are everywhere now

but this time, they don't put them in the news

The new invisible people

all knowing they are not seen.

Hardworking people now with nothing

their car-bedroom 

towed away 

Walmart shuts down the overnight parking

People losing motivation

because getting ahead only

happens for the connected and

superstars now 

and the costs have shot up like rockets.

This country is dying

because the greedy rule

They don't care about us

was the truest statement ever. 

Today I have no mice scampering across the floor

Today there's some food in the kitchen

There's medicine available

The rent was paid on time

but all these things can so easily disappear

One must prepare lest things get wiped away

And that deer in the headlights feeling

never goes away. 

the alone panic

helplessness isn't always learned.

There's a reason people smile less

we all think of escape to the woods now

and a world that makes sense.

They invaded our lives three years ago

and ruined many.

and still there's no accountability

their lies will fill history books yet again.

Standing on that road lost alone in the big city

knowing there wasn't another soul in the world

who cared [before I met my love]

made it's mark. 

We dug, dug, dug out

three times now

to the working class

Up and Down

boxes piled to the ceiling

so many goodbyes

just to survive

There used to be tribes

to share troubles and solve problems

and now there's cold paper

and a few friendly souls

with a box of food

but in reality no money

means others shrink away

Some can hide it until the clothes

start to fray. 

Once a can man always a can man

Those newspapers were heavy

and cookie trays, and wheelchairs

What can we sell today? 

Some poor went to the fairground to sell scraps

I sold a painting to Ireland

Garage sales of lives

and Storage Units of

lost Souls.

. 

This one lady makes videos of the

Hutterite life.

Wish I was still young to convert in.

Grabbing on to

a practical focused life with other people in it

instead of a scattered one jumping from puddle to puddle.

Spare me from modern life

in this body.

A place to belong

Let's join a intentional community

Let's drop out.

"I don't want a thousand brothers and sisters"

We should have done it when we were young.

These bills fly around me like white bats with

sharp teeth. Always threatening to chew me

into a paste, and tear my clothes into rags. 

Some of us don't believe in the system

because it never worked for us

The men behind the desks always said No.

and begging only makes it worse. 

The doors were shut long ago. We lived outside

the fence and could see what laid beyond it

We saw how the sausage was made. 

It changed us. 

My sister's husband makes 500,000 a year

she was a pride to the family

Celebrated and lauded

for the good fortune

of sitting on the right bar stool

married by 19.

In the East they believe in fate

Maybe because so many are poor

There was enough people to say

Maybe I didn't chose this

Maybe it just happened.

Wojack and pals as wage slaves

at least still had their health and

crypto to give hope, Doomer

knows the score of a collapsing

system and the fact the asylum

is on fire

We were so responsible

We tried

but it always fell apart.

Nothing genteel about poverty

and the edges it gives you

that the normal people find too sharp. 

There were so many I wanted to help

At the casino where I've never been, there's lots who lose and a few who win

and the ones who lose, you never hear about. They slink

back to their grey rooms at night, mourning their lost money

Bent over the computer, the dreams of another life

is all that keeps them going. 

"Go Back to Your Life!"

My doctor yesterday basically told me to give up all this Covid crap. I want to. I'm glad my husband was there to hear it. 

Yesterday I saw the doctor, I'm not doing that great fighting off Candidiasis yet again and my blood sugar is high though there is less food from the groceries being so high in cost. The horrible sores keep coming back and there is another appointment needed to deal with that. 

My house call doctor [NP]  is supportive of me seeing the functional doctor, he is serving as support while they keep my main case. The functional doctor told me he wanted me to stay with them. The functional doctor believes I have thyroiditis, and MCTD instead of UCTD. The rheumatologist believes it's still UCTD, but I don't know all the ins and outs. How bad is full lupus? My forehead is broken out in sores, there's other life damaging sores and fatigue that feels like it's going to kill me, but I still came out "stable" on my rheumatology tests. [not in full lupus]

 The doctors always tell me to walk and move around. I do think some fat bias could be with that stuff but then maybe they just mean well, and don't want me to become immobile. This practice deals with a lot of super-fat people along with elderly, many of them are completely bedbound and wheelchair bound. She thinks I am depressed [true] but the fatigue is beyond that.

More sunshine, movement and people definitely could not hurt. She told me, speaking of the masks: "You shouldn't have to wear those masks anymore" and said this directly, "Go back to your life!".

When a doctor [she's my regular NP] says "Go back to your life" it means something. Time to listen. She would know too if anyone was dying of or being hospitalized with Covid.  My second NP said it too a few months back in a different way.  She said my mental and physical health have been harmed.  I know it. My depression is off the charts. I'm sure it shows. The problem is I don't have a life anymore. 

I have 3 regional friends and no groups except a 30 mile away art club in a rural area I visit about once every 4-6 weeks and a writer's group on Zoom. Winter will lower even those. If this was a normal world instead of hell or purgatory, I would go on a trip or visit some people or go find some happiness, but I can't afford anything. An art friend is supposed to have an art show, and its 40 miles away and I'm wondering if I can afford the gas. I wish it was closer because like usual I'm scared, of breaking down or not having money to handle problems. I want to be there to support her. 

So there's not much of a life to go back to. I had a life before, it worked. Things aren't working now. Before all this I was really involved in that Unitarian Universalist church, it is sad how things went. It was a great place for me for years. I just chose to focus on the good things and they did give me the gift of gardening for a few years. Covid destroyed that world for me.  I'm planning to shut down my garden this week. 

 I had art classes, stamp group, and did other activities. Maybe I can get a life wherever I end up moving, I'm making sure any new places I go have some activities. If here I am looking for new things here too.  Hopefully the Senior Center will help my life since we qualify this winter. 

My life is a complete mess. I did have some good things happen with the art show, and am glad I achieved that goal and selling a lot of paintings. I even sold a painting to someone in Ireland last week. I also completed another book illustration project too with a local author. I have goals to put up an ETSY page, and to complete FAT PAT. Fat Pat is now almost done at over 200 pages and try to get some stuff together. You will soon see FAT PAT put up here. It is close!

So I have been TRYING. The functional doctor told me he believes my severe weight is the results of inflammation, and hormonal problems. [well Lipedema too] He also says while they can treat severe sleep apnea, that it can keep weight high even while one is treated and on their CPAP every night. He is helping me. I will see what happens. I wish I had money to get more supplements and better foods. Next week I hope to buy some he wants me to go on. The functional doctor told me he believe Covid was real, but he doesn't wear masks as they make him feel ill. All my other doctors gave up mask-wearing months ago.

Am I afraid in stripping off the masks? Yes I am. They damaged me. I'm scared because my oxygen started reading lower at 96% while wearing them instead of the usual 98% that I have had for years and years. It scares me. I think the doctor noticed too, and is growing concerned at the harms the Covid "lifestyle" did to me. I stopped wearing masks around friends around 3 months ago. 

We are stopping wearing the masks. I walked into my apartment hallway without the mask for the first time in 3 and half years yesterday after she said this. Am I afraid? Yes. They damaged me. The evil controllers of this world unloaded so much bullshit on billions of us. I am glad I did not take their genome invader and clot shot. That would have utterly destroyed me. I still am scared of catching something, but I know I will get sicker and die anyhow if I didn't change this. There's no going on like this. My mental health even forced removing the masks to see the friends. Physically I can't live life like this muzzled and with so few people in my life. So many connections have been destroyed. 

I had stopped wearing them around friends a few months ago, now stopping wearing them in apt hall and small stores. Maybe big stores too but I still feel nervous.

The masks did create a lot of physical suffering for me. I got short of breath in them often. I couldn't walk too fast. That's sad when I'm on a walker, and now being curtailed and suppressed. My doctor wanted me to start taking walks again, I should have told her, I can't walk that far anymore, but maybe she just wanted me to amble around like I used to do. I can maybe walk 200-300 feet without a rest, I'm not even sure it's that much now. I can walk through a Dollar Tree still with a couple rests but that's pretty crappy isn't it?

One reason the masks damaged me was walking sucked, even on my walker I would have to slow down constantly. This happened in stores and going to the doctor. I stopped walking because I live in a place where there's really no private place to walk without people, and was paranoid even outside for a while. Yes this is embarrassing but true. So I stopped taking my walks. Up to 18 months ago I was still following an exercise program, doing videos at home, but sadly the fatigue just grew so much worse and worse, all that energy just went into things like taking showers, cleaning, cooking and getting art projects done. 

Due to inactivity, I was scared to death of weight gain during lock downs. A 500lb person who used to be 700lbs could easily go back up, that is reality. I am glad I kept the weight stable at least, but this took effort. Hopefully the functional doctor will come up with more answers. He went deep into researching things. He even knew about abuse and PTSD issue that I faced.  I was 504 two days ago. The 400s are at least in shouting distance. It would be nice to sink below 500 again. I was 460 in 2013. I told him I am in shock, that I am maintaining such high weight. With age, my appetite has gone down. A lot of foods gross me out, I am still hungry every 5-6 hours but whatever takes weight off is not happening. Due to poverty, food portions were cut down months ago even further. My husband has complained a little about any seconds being denied because I want to make sure there's enough for another meal. 

The functional doctor was really worried about stress affecting me. It is. I'm not sure how I am going to go back to my life or how I am going to get a life now. It's hard. So much is in the air. My life was difficult before Covid. Then Covid took away the life I had managed to build. Some here may understand why that was so overwhelming to me. Many people have had their lives destroyed by these psychopaths. My shock remains in how few people have protested or fought back. My losses are more mild compared to people who lost their lives or loved ones. Some should go file lawsuits, I know about a few doing so on Twitter. The masses aren't sleeping, they are in a damn coma!

I waited things out this long due to my very high risk. I don't even know anyone who has been in the hospital for Covid for more than 2 years. I believe something made people sick in the early days there was too much evidence for that but things got dragged out. Even if Covid is real and endemic now, it's been almost 4 fucking years. I can't give up living my life anymore. There's only so many years left anyway in a body like this one. I want to have a life again.

Societal Narcissism: The Baby Boomer Will Die On Their High Horse

 

This is a scary video that Ollie covers. The "estranged parent" backlash is out there. I have to admit this woman gave me the willies. My mother was more the cold fish kind of narcissist instead of the 'fake caring enmeshment" kind but I got triggered watching this video because this woman reminded me so much of a now ex-narcissistic friend or combinations of narcissists I've dealt with. The same look in the eyes, the air of elevation and acting like they are perfect is all familiar.

It's true the "estranged parent" world is lashing back and we know we will never see true apologies but just excuses from these sorts. Notice how this woman shows off her wealth, my world is full of people like this and it's scary. Ollie's right about how she stages her video to show off her wealth and body clad in tight exercise gear.

Wouldn't doubt her Facebook is full of endless vacation photos.

 I hope the daughter remains no contact and is able to find a happy life. One can see the cuts made to the daughter in the video, with the appearance of "fake caring". This includes the endless double-talk and more. I can see why the daughter ran and went no contact. All of us ACONS dealt with people like this who think they are perfect. You can see it in this woman. The daughter never would have any real apology or working things out. She's better off if she stays gone. 

Food in 2050

 This video had me laughing. Hey it has a lot of fat people in it, and maybe they aren't portrayed too good, but remember I have written a blog saying they've fattened us up [the canaries in the coal mine] I avoid fast food. There is something to be said about those giant mega hamburgers.  All those super-sized foods didn't do anyone any favors.

Some food is so disgusting out there, and they pile it up still. There's this restaurant, maybe I better not name names, but it's an off brand kind of super-cheap fast food restaurant where they always show people eating endless fried foods. They always show them eating burgers they hold in a weird way in cars. That stuff isn't even real food. There's no way I will eat bugs, and the influx of bad vegan chemical foods is horrible. Soy gives me kidney stones now and it's in everything! People's health will be badly affected by these products. 

I do see food getting worse. You all can't imagine the lengths I have to go to, to get decent food around here. It feels like a science project. It's better to laugh at some of this stuff though. 

Living Inside a Social Credit System

 

This is what they have planned for us. Well see the video. My score would be -1 million. LOL

More War

 

Well it looks like the warmongers are getting their way.  I warned about a "one world government" for years on my old religion blog. I do wonder if we are going to have WWIII soon. If we are on the biblical time line and Corona is the first "seal" well, all those with bible knowledge know how bad everything gets. The Plan for the New American Century always had Iran on the war list. It was included in General Wesley Clark's warnings about the planned wars.

All that stuff about hang gliders and unprotected people in one of the most armed up, security conscious nations in the world, never made sense to me. This occurred to others too:

 PSYOP-ISRAEL-WAR? - 2nd Smartest Guy in the World

If someone asks what side I'm on don't bother. There's blood on both sides. The Palestinian  people definitely are being oppressed: especially as one can see Netanyahu cheering blowing up of apartment buildings of civilians in Gaza and Israelis have suffered the effects of terrorism. 

I agree with those who say they stand with the innocent, ordinary people of Israel and Palestine. The war mongers are now going to mean more innocent people die. 

How are Americans who are being crushed supposed to finance another war? Sadly the evangelical world is all lining up for war yet again. One would think they would have learned their lesson during the Iraq and Afghanistan debacle, but I guess not. This disgusts me. I walked out of that second IFB church because the pastor there went on a rant about Israel and how we should go to war with Iran. His son who had been in Afghanistan got up and praised war and acted like combat was summer camp. I was so creeped out. I literally got up and walked out mid-service and never returned, and that was after a year in that church. 

 And because Biden's stumping for Israel, the liberal world is in support. You ever notice no one cares about nuclear war anymore or humanity annihilating itself? There's no anti-war movement anymore. Humanity is on a self-destructive path because of a bunch of psychopaths that run things in this world. Our leaders aka parasites, chose nothing but evil.

Who is Behind the Trans Agenda?

This is an interesting video that delves into the money interests behind the Trans Agenda. It all relates to them raking in the cash, destroying people's core identities and making people life long patients turning formerly healthy bodies into unhealthy ones. They really do not have the technology to change someone's sex. It is changes in appearances. Sadly suffering people are made false promises. There's tons of detransitioners out there warning how many physical problems they ended up with.  Notice the billionaire money being poured into Trans causes. Also check out this blog, that discusses trans issues.

I was on a "sex change" hormone for 15 years. In my case it was to block androgens from severe PCOS [HAIR-AN Syndrome]. I was forced off it in my very late 40s. It is the same drug they give male to female trans.  Of course they will give them estrogen too. 

They don't even warn the people who enter this world, that often one's body rejects hormonal treatments. I don't regret going on this drug, it was part of how I lost 250lbs that gave me more years of life and also had heart reasons to be on it too. However there were physical effects, even some kidney problems today could be related to having taken this drug. Involuntary testosterone harmed me so much, that I am in horror to see otherwise healthy people given it. There's a reason most have severe weight gain and other problems. 

Shame and Narcissists or Everything You Do is Wrong to Them Anyway

 

My friend Lise, wrote this article, and it's a good one.

How Shame is the Core Struggle of Most Narcissists. How It Gets Dumped Onto You, and How They Try to Harvest Regrets and Shame From You. Does it Work For Them?

Ah shame, narcissists love to dish it out in spades. My mother is severe, she didn't feel feelings of shame, like lesser narcissists, she considered herself perfect and everyone else inferior. This was true for my sister and other relatives. She shamed me constantly. "YOU ARE" as Lise states definitely is used by narcissists over and over.

In my case it was:

YOU ARE TOO FAT
YOU ARE TOO WEIRD
YOU ARE TOO SENSITIVE
YOU ARE TOO UGLY
YOU ARE TOO SMART FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
YOU ARE TOO SMELLY
YOU ARE TOO LAZY

and so forth and so on.

This meme sums it up for me. I made the choice to heal the self. Covid was a giant blow, but many things have changed for me. 

I don't have guilt that some people suffer who go no contact. Usually when the feelings of "OMG I ditched my whole family!" used to rise up, I would think, "Well I did us both a favor, they couldn't stand me and I could not stand them. I never could be what they wanted anyway."  I took too long to finally turn my eye on her and judge my mother in the same way. What made her so perfect? She wasn't. She dressed too masculine in my opinion. She lacked love, creativity, integrity, honesty and even core values I thought were important. She was a system-believer, that worshipped wealth and power--one of the worse offenses to me personally. She defended the Patriot Act to me once which offended my political beliefs. To go no contact, I asked myself, "What made her the icon of perfection?" She wasn't.  She definitely had the superiority complex going in spades. Sadly a lifetime of being told one is "not enough", this gets internalized, your whole life is going around making way for other people instead of yourself. 

"The other reason they do this is that narcissists have a superiority complex, and many of them, when the manipulations of coercing people to change for them, they can actually start to believe they are better than everyone else when everyone works so hard for them to fit into their idealized visions, and where they don't have to work hard at all in their relationships. It goes to their head, in other words, and they think it is okay to take it to the point where your thoughts are their thoughts, your feelings are their feelings, your interests are their interests - to the point where they feel it is absolutely necessary to teach others constantly how to behave too - to be as "perfect" as they try to convince you that they are.

It was weird to realize after I was gone how my mother controlled the whole family via shame. Lise mentions the less severe narcissists who live according to the edicts of shame, and I've seen that behavior too. They always look and sniff out "wrongdoings". They never relax. They seek out constant offenses. Even the rich ones in my family seemed miserable beyond belief.  As Lise writes above, the malignant narcissists do start to believe they are better than everyone else, and they set up things so everyone works hard to please them. I noticed as my mother aged [I left when she was in her mid to late 60s] her power in the family grew. For many of these narcissists, who gain this power, I think they worsen as they age. They have been kowtowed for so long the cult family has created a monster.

Then there's the fact that even if you scurry around pleasing them, all they do is raise the bar. Lise mentions the ones who start trying to control your facial expressions. I had my emotions addressed and many of my abusers got more and more nit-picky. They'll make stuff up to claim perfection anyhow.

In my case, some narcissists would yell at me for autistic affections and for not smiling enough. It got weird. They always raise the hoops for you to jump through like a circus dog, and lift it a couple feet higher if you made it through one. A lot of religion operates via shame, do this and that, be giving, and the constant search for "wrong", "sin" and the demand for tithes got hard on me. Even liberal churches with dogmatic demands can raise the hoops. I remember when one could be accepted as a liberal just for honoring differences between people and wanting everyone to have an equal chance, but even there the hoops got raised and things got crazy. 

I had weird thoughts even during some of those last phone conversations with my cousins. How no one seemed to enjoy life, and it was all about "measuring up" for endless goal posts. Even emotionally they all seemed blunted. This was more noticeable as time passed too. Its a strange thought I had but it makes sense. If you live long enough in the shame based cult where's the fun or the spontaneity. They truly saw her as perfection and it's almost like she was a god/goddess to them where everything was to be judged by her pleasure or approval. It creeped me out. 

Lise talks about the period of figuring out who you are, after you go no contact. A process especially for those long into no contact, is no longer bending and twisting yourself to serve narcissistic demands.

And many scapegoats can struggle with an identity too. The disparaging "You are -" statements don't ring true to most scapegoats (they are often the first child to notice the coldness, the lack of empathy in their parent), but scapegoats also get so used to the "You are -" statements that they stop defending themselves to anyone who uses them, and life can become like Chauncy Gardner's in the novel by Jerzy Kosinski, "Being There" (link takes you to the movie version). You are an echoist, letting everyone you meet describe you, whether good, bad or indifferent. And you don't try correcting them - and that can, and does attract, other kinds of narcissists, and even psychopaths. 

This definitely applied to me.  I always had a core strong identity inside, something sadly borderlines are said to lack from abuse, but it was suppressed. I let others describe and define me. Sadly I also didn't ask if they were right, but if I was right all the time. This definitely brought out the Project Friends, Abusive Religionists, and other toxics. 

One sees this in abused people, there's always this DEFERENCE, I had it in spades, where they step aside for other people. I was better off in that some strongly held values were impenetrable, and this often ended relationships in my life even early on but any boundaries keeping was very foreign. I would defend myself but got shouted down so often, sadly I became repressed and suppressed. To change all this, I often had to do things on an intellectual basis, putting aside emotion and what came "naturally."

 This process for me vaporized a lot of friendships as I have written about years ago. Many of these toxic friends were always telling me I was not enough. I still remember the friend I had around 8-9 years ago. She was constantly shaming me over housework just like my mother. I even once asked her, "I don't think I can get it clean, I try, it's hard, could you help me?" She refused. That's one thing they will shame you for things but trust me they have no interest in actually providing solutions, support or ideas in fixing problems. They want to just use your faults to play king and queen of the mountain. Today, I'd hand a person like that a broom and say, "Help or get out. Otherwise I don't want to hear it."

I started asking what I wanted out of life after no contact and it was a process to get rid of people out of my life who operated from the stance of constantly shaming me. The slate cleaning process was difficult and very hard.  I believe it even impacted my religious deconversions and changes. One's own values become more important than trying to assent or match the values of others.  I realized I did really view society quite differently from my family and what I considered important. The values of being an artist that they tried to stomp out, were important. 

I remember when I first went no contact 10 years ago, thinking "Now it is time to Quit! You are never going to be what these people want you to be" There was nothing left in the game for me. Many ACONS probably reach this point realizing they are in a losing game, but sadly many are captured for life not wanting to bear "not having a family."

Imperviousness was a word I thought of in trying to escape the "people pleasing" twists and escape the results of the constant shaming. I needed to become impervious. I had to stop being so weak and letting others define me and tell me what to do. My disabilities including autism  and severe obesity from Lipedema made this more of a danger.

Lise wrote this

"Instead, they infantilize you and punish you to teach you a lesson, as though you are a naughty child, rather than an adult. It doesn't work."

and

" Infantilizing you becomes the terrible and extremely unhealthy go-to tactic and rut they put you and others through time and time again. Most of them don't know how to do anything else because it is the personality disorder at work: they feel they must always go for superiority, and what better way to do it than to insist that you act like an inept child who doesn't know how to behave. "

It scared me even as I got deep into my 40s, I was still treated like a child by my family. I blamed this on money, I was poor, and didn't achieve the money or status of an adult, but it went deeper.  I had thoughts about that one woman on My 600lb life I saw years ago. I hope she's escaped her family. They all hated her, they all treated her like a child. That was my life among my family. It has occurred to me, if I never did leave my family, I probably wouldn't be alive today. My fight to even get my Lipedema diagnosis was rooted in self-belief and value. 

You know this many years in, I still grieve having no family at times, but I have no regrets that I escaped. Mine were squashing me into nothing even putting my physical life at risk with all the stress and lack of empathy. The shame though, well how do I explain this but a life of self value is far happier even with challenges and difficulties. You get away from these people who do nothing but shame you, and well life is easier WITHOUT THEM in it. I even thought during times our money dipped and we are in one of those times now, I don't have to worry about one of those jerks being around to shame me for it! That comes as relief!

 A hoovering attempt of a few months ago, was so nuts so crazy, I can't get into details here,  it was like reliving something that happened to me as a child, where she wanted to destroy an accomplishment, and ruin me in the face of others. It was the same thing like Ground Hog Day. I avoided her, but she attempted something that matched Reading Award Day at school when I was 10 years old.  It was so insane, she's losing her touch, maybe having some old age senility kick in, because even other people said, "This is not normal!" It centered around shame. That's all she ever did was shame me in front of others and say "She's not enough". It told me she doesn't even see me as a human in my own right just an object to destroy. The more years you are away, the crazier they will appear. My no contact stayed intact. 

Years ago, I made the decision, that I wasn't going to let people "correct" me anymore. If I was actually mean like I told them off in a fight or did anything "wrong" they confronted me with, I would analyze that and apologize for actual wrong-doings. However I wasn't going to let other adults talk to me as a child, and tell me what to do, what to say, what to think and how to live. I thought I'm an old woman now, there's people my age who are grandmothers, part of growing up too was no longer letting myself be put in the "child" role. I forget where I read it, but I read about the child, parent, adult transactional analysis online somewhere and thought this needs to change. Disabled people are often infantalized and it was happening to me too often. 

The autism group broke this boundary. They tried to silence me.  Even when I left the autism group, I thought, there was some narcissism happening. We were forced into ideologies I didn't agree with either.  I was being minimized, dismissed and silenced. This was an error in leadership. Why stick around for more ill treatment? I never did go back. I don't blame my fellow autistics. A lot of institutions have been captured. 

Relationships based in shame, are failed and not really relationships. I never really had a mother in any meaningful way and as I got older and deeper into my no contact, I realized the depth of the rejection and how everything was rooted in shame. My mother in the over 40 years I spent with her, never once complimented me. I couldn't remember one "special moment" or loving moment, where I was hugged. It was all about "shaming" me and putting me down. Endless criticism, endless shame. It was so extreme.  As a child, sadly we believe what our parents have to say about us. Us lucky ones get out and define ourselves outside of their scope. Those of us who heal do find positive people who treat us like human beings, and close out the abusers. 

Some years ago I even went through a process, where I told myself, "Now is time to do what you want to do, and make your own decisions." One way I avoid narcissists now, is I avoid the constantly critical and those who make me feel like less of a person. Those are screening tools to avoid the shamers. Read Lise's article, its a good one and goes into detail with their techniques. 

The Gift of Narcissistic Parents: Shame and Codependency