As people here know, I am done with the Democratic party. I noticed long ago, that most of my liberal friends lived by the code of censorship. How did this happen? There are some stand out exceptions to this rule, people who respect the consciences of others, but it got scary. Right now, I am seeing multiple liberal friends on my Facebook, unfriending anyone who is a Republican or supports Trump. Some have gone so far to write, "If you voted for Trump, unfriend me now!" Their boisterous political demands have put me on edge, but I only told a few who I am voting or not voting for.
I have laid low on politics on my social media, so they have not unfriended me and some know I do not support Trump although I am no longer a Democrat. It's scary to watch though. I feel leery of some liberal people because it is so easy to say the wrong thing. I have some good liberal friends I can be "me" around but it's walk on eggshells time with others. Kavanagh on the video at 1:92:10 talks about how people hit the wall of "no" and how thinking is shut down. He's right during Covid they shut down discussing issues in depth. Many people noticed that among many liberals, one couldn't talk about certain topics, they would get angry. I lost count how many times I was shut down.
I agree with this commenter in the chat replay:
Questioneverything
Tribalism and "living in a bubble" is just as strong among the Neolib Establishment Dems and their devoted acolytes as it is among MAGA Trumpists. Both crazed cults that won't deal with real issues.
Many and it is not all, but far too many in number especially on the liberal side, believe they are to throw away and "cancel" anyone with different politics. Politics is such a mess. Something changed after Covid, where friendly disagreement no longer was allowed. The country seems ready to rip each other to shreds. How many are questioning this? Only a few. One online acquaintance told me "forced teaming" can be abusive. I thought that is an interesting phrase.
The Democratic party became so elitist, they pride themselves so much on being "educated". Democrats are supposedly the enlightened "smart" ones while Republicans are drooling hillbillies who can't think their way out of a paper bag. Book knowledge battles common sense. The ivory white towers have their limitations, it's called the real world. They lost touch with the common man, and playing experts who demanded unquestioning obedience just made resentment grow. Also some people were smart enough to see through the games, and the medical threats like the Covid vaccines. They didn't trust an "expert" class who became obedient megaphones for the ruling class.
Garland Nixon talks about the tyranny of the academic class see around 14:00 mark] and I agree. The mentality in some circles was, "We are smarter than you, so shut up!" Yes, what if their consensus is a bunch of bullcrap? For the truly intellectual, one is suspicious when you are told to just accept something without evidence. He is right that too many of the academics became spokesmen for the Ruling Elite!
My own feelings about the educated class are somewhat jaded. I'm too poor to elevate the academics and others who all seem to talk alike and crush down independent thinking. There always seemed to be a love of status quo and conformity among some of the academic class. Some educated people brought love of arts and great things to my life, however I differed politically with some. In my case, I had some intellectual chops to debate a few, they always seem unsettled by me. I get reactions like "You are such a challenging thinker" or "You have a unique view of the world". They seemed so afraid themselves of saying the "wrong" thing. I know how the people who Toby Roberts calls the "bougiecrats" think and how they see the world. I don't want to piegon hole people here, there's plenty of exceptions, even Camille Paglia came out of the university system too.
Some are very well intended but the educated and wealthy liberal class has some major blind spots. We saw that with Covid. They still believe Covid vaccines "work", they truly believe things like "open borders" will work. Sometimes if one lives in a cushion of affluence, a false reality can come in. If one is within a system that rewards you, you aren't going to question or battle that system very much. This saying applied to millions especially during Covid..."It can be very hard to understand something, when misunderstanding it is essential to your paycheck."
The affluent rewarded by the system will more easily believe politicians and megacorporations and that others tell the truth. There can be idealism that has good motives but can leave people blinded to how the world really works. They haven't been harmed or threatened for being late on a bill. The trains of their life run on time while for the poor they crashed in a heap long ago. All these circumstances give people different world views.
Some became super-pro Capitalist, ignoring and excusing the damages of the money system to the poor and more. They don't seem to live in reality anymore, they rejected moral foundations for post-modernism. For some with weaker consciences, power, money and the system started to count for far more than justice. Republicans claim morality but it's thrown overboard by some there too for cash and "progress" just as much. This is why Musk builds rockets instead of feeding the poor or building libraries like Carnegie. Chris Hedges warned about the "The Death of the Liberal Class." One could see this change years ago.
I knew something was very wrong when I started hearing fellow liberals decrying "freedom of speech" and heard first hand the fascist talk such as all the unvaccinated should be herded into camps. Most started seeing that the Democratic party years ago claimed to be for the average working man, and for "freedom" but people knew it was no longer true. Middle America remembered the old days when FDR helped the poor but those days are over now. The pressures to look at the evil on the other side with Trump just like Goldstein in the book 1984 has destroyed any semblance of self-reflection among many liberals. This is why some can't even question or face the harm being done to kids via the trans movement or give a damn about all the American citizens who are finding themselves living in tents because they lost their jobs to more globalism or waves of immigration to their small town.
My sneers came out when I remember those days, at protests where then fellow liberals would chant, "This is what Democracy looks like!" and I thought how ironic. If this is democracy than the world has gone nuts! I told one friend, I could never vote for Biden or Harris because I had the time of fear of them forcing mRNA on me, and having to run to the woods just to stay alive. I couldn't overlook it, and that was that.
Most average working people who lived paycheck to paycheck, know the system no longer cares about them. The working class and poor have been so disenfranchised and Republicans are just better at exploiting it, maybe some of it is saving face, "I'll take care of myself I don't need the government!". Everyone wants hope and a hero. I don't blame them. Being a person who hates both parties, I am realistic to know most see that as a cynical and hopeless position, but then it keeps us in the trap of the pendulum swinging does it not? The problem is, they will be just betrayed all over again.
I learned I am a moderate over these past years in some ways. I don't hold the same values as today's Democratic party. I have some conservative views, that never did "fit" anyhow. I probably have more affinity for the conservative side on some issues now but then being disabled and poor, that doesn't fit either. Where are the old school liberals who supported unions and were anti-war? I still agree with those things although those liberals seem very rare in number now. Really there's no voice for poor and working class people out there among either party. People just wanted economic suffering to end, but sadly we have two OWNED parties that are basically a Corporatocracy. Too many Dems threw economic concerns and real social justice overboard for niche and extremist identity politics. The suffering working class, turned to Trump. He will betray them too but the Democratic party had little to offer them either.
Watching Nick Johnson videos, I understood WHY some wanted to vote for Trump. They were sick of inflation, having their jobs taken away, and tired of the Democratic parties love of endless waves of immigration. I agreed with many Republican friends who were Trump supporters about many issues. When Trump said, "They are eating the dogs, they are eating the cats", he diverted in a racist way from the real issues in Springfield Ohio, Democrats simply didn't care either, that American citizens were losing their jobs, some sent off to a homeless camp for corporations to hire in immigrants at far lower wages. Learn the real story of what is happening. The core problem is more corporate greed and destroyed lives. They are now meddling in human trafficking.
Middle America is fed up with woke garbage too. Garland Nixon is right about Woke being used to put a false moral veneer on an immoral economic system, military and foreign policy.[1:13:11] One reason I could not vote for Kamala Harris was the genocide in Gaza. I don't want bad things happening to Jews and Israelis either, but I have been horrified by that monster Netyanhu bombing the hell out of children and innocent people. They've wiped out apartment buildings and whole city blocks full of human beings just trying to live their lives. Why was that acceptable to liberals? Biden after all kept sending billions of dollars to Israel along with the Ukraine.
As I have written multiple times, the ruling class and elite have used "woke" policies and mantras to distract from real economic issues as they clean out the tills. I got tired of the "culture wars" while in fundamentalism that ignored the plight of the poor and other suffering people but now on the left I see the same exact thing. The same slavish devotion to the ruling class, the same bowing to experts who don't really know anything more, the same warmongering etc. etc.
Most people don't like racism, and want all people given a fair shake. They don't like people being reduced to just their labels of whatever race, gender or other groups they happen to belong too. Everything became so extreme. This ranged from CRT to the claims of "white supremacy" and the extremes of the trans movement. Even there most reasonable people say live and let live, adults can make choices as long as they don't harm others, but then people started noticing they kept promoting this to kids. I realized there was a social contagion element to the trans stuff when even I knew several families where a child or young adult child in those families had all decided to become trans.
I believe the trans movement is related to transhumanism. It's a way to usurp identity and make one more beholden/owned by the system. Most average Americans aren't going to go to like their children being told they must have body parts cut off to be the "right sex". Even this treatment of gender dysmorphia, hopefully one day will go the way of lobotomies. In the video Kavanagh says "it doesn't work". [many people don't realize this or the real physical outcomes] and he talks about how people don't want kids having surgical interventions. [1:18:19] He's right about the "checklist" one must follow on the left else people attempt to censor you, and this is one subject I have seen this happen personally. Adults are being fooled and not given full informed consent to all the extreme medical problems that can come.
People are afraid for their kids. I have talked to people who got worried about their kids being indoctrinated. There are gay people now like Gays against Groomers who don't like how kids are being targeted. Some lesbians and others are wondering why women only spaces aren't allowed anymore. They are worried about WHY there are so many girls who simply don't want to be female anymore.
Hate to be this blunt but when you learn the nitty-gritty of what is DONE to people and read the heartbreaking stories of detransitioners who know there's no going back, that stuff alone is enough to have people turn away in disgust. Adults can do what they want but when they want to unload hormones on kids that will render them infertile or stop any adult sexual functioning, or get young people of age and sometimes not of age like Jazz Jennings to cut body parts off, something has gone very wrong. Middle America is not having it.
Some people recognize evil for what it is. Some of us will call out insanity even if it is not popular to do so. I saw other changes too, I wanted to throw up with disgust when I saw the DNC allowed Planned Parenthood to offer "free abortions" at their convention. That's moving well beyond safe, rare and legal. Some will probably say here, "well you did use to be a fundamentalist" but nowadays I think I was on a better track in some ways. I've returned to faith but remain churchless as of now. The Democratic party became just as war mongering as the Republican party. The liberal world has gone nuts. Add in the Covid tyranny stuff, middle America, watched loved ones die and get health effects from the Covid vaccines. They censored the news, but do you think they censored the streets? People are still suffering from the lock-downs to this day.Both parties played a role in this, one reason I could not vote for Trump is he was Daddy Vaxx and started the whole mess, but the Democrats are the ones who tried to force an experimental medical product with serious side effects on the public! Unforgiveable!
There were so many places where I got driven off of for having different opinions on everything from Covid, to the trans movement I do see the Democratic party as becoming a "woke cult" like Garland Nixon above. It did occur to me, how the Democratic party threw away all semblances of social justice, worker's rights and economic matters. The neo-liberals won. When they announced that Cheney supported Harris, they basically announced to us all, the Overton window had shifted, there was no difference from today's Democratic party than the neocons of 20 years ago. They may as well have flown a banner saying "We are the Establishment". Kavanagh on the video points out that Dick Cheney was a deal breaker for Democrats just 10 years ago! [34:06] Back then just about all liberals considered Cheney the devil!After all they had the same qualities with the war mongering and all. I wrote for years on this blog since Covid how I believed the Democratic party betrayed all semblances of democracy and became authoritarian. I still believe that now.
I can never forgive them for this, nor should anyone else. Around my area, I know liberals still lining up for boosters even now, for some the Covid shots seem like their annual ritual for state obedience, or something. Are they living under rocks? They never heard of "Died Suddenly?" Seeing 4-5 boast of their 2024 boosters on my Facebook was nuts.
That said, I did not become a Republican, and did not vote for Trump. I could not support Harris either. I did vote for some local Democrats and Republicans [in my county some races are uncontested] and other third party but there I was choosing by the individual. It was a fraught process. Voting seems a more useless endeavor year by year. At least the Drain Commissioner I voted for got in. Realizing two men running as judges in the state, were tied to extreme Dominionists gave me fits, I voted for the liberals but then had the horrible thought, what if they allow future oppression in a new pandemic? My cognitive dissonance went off the charts.
There were times, I considered not voting at all anymore even for state and local races. When you hate both parties it can be a hellish experience, trying to consider who will do the "least damage" to the lives of others and your own life. Maybe voting for any of them was wrong. I voted for liberal judges fearing Medicaid and Medicare being wiped away in my state, hoping these same judges wouldn't one day put me on a boxcar for refusing mRNA. I voted for one pro-union liberal for affordable housing in my town because the other candidate was a money man, helping to gentrify the hell out of this place.
Bernie called out the Democratic party for abandoning the working class. Of course they did, long ago. I do not believe either of the two main parties care about the average American. My own poverty and class position definitely affected my political outlooks. Well we all know why they blocked out populist Bernie for sell out Biden!
Life got really weird for me, when I noticed more well-off liberal friends on my social media, kept claiming the economy was doing great! Its like the poor were invisible to them. They simply erased the existence of the poor and working class. Sure a few kind souls lamented over a few poor minority people in the ghetto, but they seemed to lack the knowledge that most Americans are poorer, this includes all colors. As Garland Nixon mentions almost 50% can't cover a 400 dollar emergency.
Maybe some really do live in affluent bubbles where they never see another poor person. I had one friend where we disagreed about the economy but she is a good friend and didn't negate my suffering but with others, they insisted the economy is wonderful. I felt gaslighted. Now imagine the whole country was being gaslighted. Harris lost as she nattered on about the "middle class" over and over. She couldn't use the phrase "working class"? The other day I read in an article that she was told to go easy on big business, by her Uber owning brother in law, big mistake! They only care about their wealthy donors!
I wrote this article, "Booming Economy? Not for All of Us" talking about how I was being gaslit about the economy being told it was great as my household imploded. Now imagine that being done to an entire country. It basically was. People got tired of it. The Democratic party doesn't plan to learn from this, since some are already calling out Bernie telling him he's wrong like Pelosi. People are noticing many of these politicians who are average rich when they get into office become mega rich once they are in making millions of dollars. Kavanagh is right about the sanctimonious hypocrisy that turns off voters.
As people know, I consider the two party system a joke. Two wings of the same bird. Both function mainly for the 1 percent and mega-rich. They are not public servants but public parasites who prop up the billionaires and trillionaires [like Musk]. Some ask why should there even be billionaires? Trump's new "golden age" doesn't mean more gold for you but propping up those who already hoard the gold.
The "golden age" is going to outdo the gilded age, and the Democratic party helped make it happen!
Maybe some of us are here to question authority and society, a mission as it were. I may as well make use of my life as a lesson or warning to others. I'd rather die on my feet then kneeling before malignant narcissists groveling anymore. I think my parents knew there was something different about me. They knew I wasn't an NPC. One day, I was around 18 or so, in the car with my father. He told me I had to quit questioning society and get with the program. "You aren't going to end up anywhere good unless you conform!" This is interesting to me thinking back, I didn't party, run wild, break the rules, and was a virgin, so where was the rebellion? I wanted to be an art teacher for heaven's sakes, not storm the barricades. I suppose it was because he knew I questioned all of it. I thought for myself, and he didn't like it!
Being raised by insane narcissists, is a crucible that can produce critical thinkers. We are done with liars and their BS. We already know the betrayal of authority first hand.
Do scapegoats rebel?
I did.
Leaving our families probably was an ultimate rebellion though some could say we were "pushed out". They left me before I left them.
Some may see me as a "rebel" now because of my beliefs about Covid.
Many think following authority is a positive. I believe blind obedience to authority is destroying mankind. Why do people do everything they are told? Why don't they question the system more? Sometimes I think ACONs because things were so bad for us, we always know the little emperors often have no clothes.
The deliverance minister I left, told me, "You are in rebellion!" She meant against her but told me it was against God.
When did I rebel in life? Well those who bought Fat Pat, got to read and see my story of my rebellion in the third grade. I almost got expelled in the third grade for fighting my third grade class. I was sick of being called fat and put down by both family and classmates. Fueled on by hunger, I tore the place apart and started punching.
I usually was a weak, mild mannered, sink into the walls, wall flower sort, but not that day. Everyone has their breaking point!
In high school I told a teacher to F off, I got sent to the principal. She had ignored me the whole class period while I asked for help with a project. I said "F*** you, you keep ignoring me".
Another time, I stood up for this girl who was an underdog, a teacher was putting her down, and got sent to the principal again.
There were times, I would get very angry around the family. Of course narcissists will use natural anger that arises from their scapegoats..."See they are crazy!" or "She's the evil one, not me!" I would start cussing them out, I usually was more verbally aggressive. When the wall falls, I'm good with insults, I told my mother she had an ugly face and snake eyes. I started clicking my heels and telling my father, "Heil Hitler" at the age of 10 down in the basement, and responded "Yes Mein Fuhrer!" after he slapped me and yelled at me for not cleaning fast enough. I got hit more but it was worth it.
There were a few times I took risks like that when my own rage reached a boiling point but those times were rarer. I was too scared of beatings to fight this hard until I grew into adult size. In my adulthood, I once told my grandmother and mother "F**** you a******, you eat more than I do, I know something is wrong, look at you pig out on pizza [I hadn't discovered the miracle of Lactaid yet] while I eat this chicken sandwich! You two pork out constantly but your bodies just don't show it!"
Sorry for the bad language, but remember around my crazy family, one would hear an average of 30 F bombs a day. They were always screaming, punching walls and going nuts. 99 percent of the time, I was the wallflower, trying to make myself scarce. I was silent most of the time, but those rare moments happened. As I grew older, I realized how aggressive they were even compared to normal human beings. There was a time in my 20s, where I realized normal people didn't live this way.
My brother was always physically hitting, jumping me, and serving as an enforcer for my mother. I was afraid of him. He was as big as me. Even into adulthood he usually weighed around 300lbs plus and was around 6 foot 2. He grew bigger as he aged well into the mid 400s but when I was around, he was definitely hefty and large. I was a few inches shorter back then at 5 11 and 3/4s. I gave as good as I got. I once kicked him in the face like a MMA fighter, giving him a bloody nose. Another time, I fought back in the kitchen and threw him into the dishwasher breaking the door off when he landed on it. It was fight back or get my ass beaten.
I realized most girls weren't raised like this, always on edge, always worried about being beaten up. It gave me an edge. Even now, if a situation arises, I'm more like a man in my reaction. Protection isn't always guaranteed. I often felt weak and like I couldn't fight with enough power. I had bloody noses, bruises, a scalp that hurt from hair being pulled all the time, and I guess those were the few times I turned the table.
I feel a little wary of telling these stories, because some here may be "My God, Peep is nuts, she's ready to tear everyone's head off!" Well I've stayed out of court rooms and out of trouble, I don't touch anyone, but jump me first, I'm fighting. I own books on self defense, I carefully have studied even one that gives advice to disabled people how to fight back. Sometimes I think my tough childhood got me those jobs working with violent youth, I had seen it all by then. If they jumped me, it already had happened to me.
There was a switch where being a hellion could have happened. I am reading this book "Troubled" now about this kid who grew up in foster care who got abandoned by his parents and then had messed up experiences in foster homes and with troubled adoptive parents. He goes wild and does drugs and illegal stuff as a teen with his friends, he seems kind of popular but he's hanging out with the rough crowd. Later in the book he flies straight after entering the military. I still have some of the book to finish but he became a success. Authority did him wrong and let him down, so he said "Screw it!" Then from what I can tell he got decent role models.
With better health, less autism, less religious and artistic idealism who knows what I may have become. I did develop an edge, it was strongest during my goth days and during my 30s and fundamentalist days, I actually worked to strip it down a bit. I think about the nuts I was around though. I do tend to be anti-authoritarian, I am an outcast from society and see myself as an "outsider" to it. Some may think the latter is more the result of bad mental health but let's be real.
Am I the type to think that newscasters, politicians and celebrities tell me the truth? No way. I don't trust the system obviously. Think there may be a reason for that? Authorities let me down too. This stuff even spills over into religion. I have returned to faith but told a close friend of mine, Jesus always seems nicer and I pray to a Creator God, who I see as being separate from the jerk who runs this place, "the god of this world" is not the good guy. Some call it the Demiurge.
And speaking of God I have already figured out if I am going to have a good relationship with God, I can't follow the god of this world the churches seem to be into who wants to just squish me. Whatever happened to God is love? For any faith to survive, I'm working through this now, if God is just this big bad being that wants to hammer me with his big fists, religious faith will die on the vine. Even now, I am struggling with why God rewarded my family with endless money, children, and status, while I'm ready to be sleeping on the sidewalk. Why couldn't I be an ACON with a career and a little bit of money to not feel like a worm? I could spiritually bypass myself and think things like "It's God's Will for you to be poor and an outcast to society" but what does that do with the burning anger inside over my life's failures?
I've read before that scapegoats can go two ways, they either become very obedient, and compliant out of fear, and make straight As or they become hellcat rebels on wheels. Through high school I was very meek, mild and dare I say even wimpy, the "rebellion" would come later outside the few moments of anger. I was so so quiet. When I met some of my old high school classmates in my early 40s on Facebook, some of us went down memory lane, one said to me, "Oh you were so quiet, we wondered if something was wrong".
I do get mad at myself that I was such a "wimp", all the time. Sometimes even now I think, "You've been silent for 12-13 years, you made it too easy for those bastards! You walked away and her power grew, and she got the whole family!" Maybe every ACON struggles with some fantasies about revenge, but God convicted me to leave them be. It's the better way to go.
Recently I met a scapegoat online who seemed to dish it out back to her family with some success. Her family were not as crafty as mine with some weak spots. I was impressed but inside I had bad thoughts about being a "coward" and sneaking away. I had lost so many times, I arrived at the conclusion, the only way to "win" is not to "play". I have known scapegoats to fight back and lose big, and even one that got driven into homelessness from fighting back. I cared about her, but she got angry at some of my advice about being poor. I didn't deliver enough of the realism with enough nurturance. Also my religious journey emphasized not seeking revenge though I rejected all the forgiveness of reprobates nonsense.
Inside, I still think, "Why did my mother have to win?" She never went without a dollar. She had a loving adoring family by her side. I remained the "evil one" who left. She doesn't have to worry about ending up on the sidewalk. She never will have one shameful moment worrying about how her shoes are too old, or not having the right clothing. She won't need friends to buy her groceries.
Why do narcissists do so well? Why do they always seem to "win" especially in American society. America is a system where narcissists/sociopaths and psychopaths succeed and rise to the top. One in five CEOs are full blown psychopaths. My family never went without a dollar they wanted including my mother. There were no tears or being the deer in the highlights, as poverty was rolling to crush you like a stone. They know how to connive, manipulate, use people like puppets on a string. Many people have noticed and it's a problem that ones who even desire the duties of authority now, many of them, seem to be on the narcissistic spectrum. Why are there so many Cluster B people in charge?
Once this friend said to me, "You are a warrior!" She was impressed at my rejection of Covid tyranny and my writing about it, and my being so forward at times. I don't feel like one often, I'm being pummeled down by this crap body and having no money. Some of us have to fight to just stay alive. There's a reason Fat Pat is wearing the boxing gloves. If I hadn't fought back at all, I wouldn't be here.
My views of authority have been influenced by my life's journey. When authority is negative, and not loving, you are going to question it more. I wasn't the type of child to do what I was told without question. I often was afraid of authority but I also rebelled against it at times too. No one hugged me. I was considered a burden, a bother, and was invisible. Why would I have a positive view of authority? Authorities at home were busy ignoring me, hitting me, locking me in my room, making insane demands and showing no moral fiber.
For many authorities who did not want to harm me or who did things "right", I was neutral. If a teacher gave me crumbs of love or attention, they probably had an accolade for life.
With teachers I would oddly either become the teacher's pet, or would be rejected by the teacher giving me a hellish year. I got sent to the principal a lot by the ones who didn't like me. However some teachers were like my best friends, I'd clean all their erasers, help them collect and make dittos, do bulletin boards and even with a few closer ones, talk for hours. I was one of those children, adults would befriend on rare occasion.
I realized with doctors, if they were nice, and listened some, then it could be a very positive relationship. If they didn't, it wasn't. This applies to today. Most I have are decent now. I consider my rheumatologist as the guy who is ignoring me now but I would say 80% are listening to me. With teachers, it could go 50/50, if I liked the subject they taught me, then that helped. With professors, most professors I loved, it was kind of strange. I have an attraction to people who are smart and who I can learn from. Some professors were awful, I could tell who was phoning it in, or not doing their job but most were good.
With bosses, if they were neutral and not insane, I could be okay. Some bosses were horrible and corrupt though, we always had problems like my family teacher supervisor who I witnessed filling a truck full of meat from the group home's budget to have her own barbecue. Whistle-blower personalities and narcissists out on the make are like oil and water. Sadly the jerks wanting power, are more likely to rise to the top.
I never trusted cops, my fear of cops was never understood by friends. I always got nervous when they drove by us. I've never been arrested or in jail so some friends have found this weird, but cops made me nervous. They had a lot of power to ruin your day. I would tell people "Never talk to cops, even if you are innocent! They'll railroad you!" My father gave me that advice, "Keep your mouth shut and don't say anything until the lawyer gets there!" It's kind of weird, he gave me this advice to begin with, maybe he thought I was going to do big time rebellion entering the criminal world from smacking me around constantly. I watch all these crime videos and see people spazzing out to fight the cops. I think they are dumb, unless you are being choked to death, it's better to stay silent and then get lawyers to do your fighting for you.
Some may think why is a law abiding person thinking about stuff like this? Well being a scapegoat is FALSE accusation land, I suppose it gives us a different look on cops and courts. My brother always seemed like he was going to jail, and my mother always was bailing him out. This included charges of domestic violence and some snafu related to checks, that he told me was a "misunderstanding". He never seemed to fear these arrests because my mother was always there to bail him out. It was really strange to me. I knew if I ever got in trouble, there was no way she'd be helping. She'd pay for his lawyers too to fight his ex-wife over endless matters.
Many people say autistic kids stand against injustice a lot. We analyze everything, being told, "Because I said so!" doesn't quite cut it for analytical Aspies. I would rebel against authorities I thought were "stupid" or gave inane rules that made no sense. Working at the group home was hell, because a lot of rules made no sense and the kids were too dumb to keep their mouths shut even over something as little as giving them an extra hour of TV a day. They expected them to be automatons while forcing an even dumber script on the workers there, in addressing their bad behaviors. This often put me at odds with my bosses there. "This system doesn't work!", I'd say to them. "These kids consider this a joke and just manipulate this fake system." This didn't make me too popular.
As an adult, I'll obey authorities, pay taxes etc. However I know some unjust laws or ones that threaten my bodily autonomy like vaxx mandates, I won't obey. There are hills I will die on, and that's one. So many friends got sick from the vaxxes, there's a low hum of anger for me everyday. Maybe it's easier for people in denial or don't realize what is going on. Democide pisses me off.
As a child I got into this song A LOT. I listened to it on repeat on a tape. The line "We don't need no thought control" was a line I remember really being focused on. Life with abusive parents really made me turn to Pink Floyd.
Sometimes I do wonder how a society raised on so much authority questioning arts like this song to Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia fighting the Empire, has become so authority loving nowadays? Us ACONs had cruel teachers [in our homes] from day one, we couldn't do anything right. Some of us fortunate got nice teachers later, but woe to the kid with monsters at home and at school!
I had a strange visceral reaction to seeing the movie "The Wall", I was a little bit tipsy having nipped at wine cooler on the way over to the hall that was showing the movie in college. My way there consisted of some dark woods since I lived in the more isolated freshman dorms. The murder that made us all more careful didn't come until my sophomore year.
The scene with the actor groping at the wall, hit me hard. It seemed to represent my life. [54:59]. There's another scene where Pink the suffering rocker, tries to call someone and the phone rings over and over. This scene made me feel so lonely I burst out in tears. No one was around me fortunately. I stumbled out of the movie, and walked back to my dorm crying the whole way.
College brought some odd moments like this. I almost dropped out that first year, friendless, but it was worse being home to be abused by my parents. There were too many sad weekends where all my dorm-mates went home, I didn't have friends there anyway and it took a toll. This movie affected my view of authority. Back then, American in the late 80s was still seen as "free place" Maybe I felt what was coming. Maybe I had spent too many years under the "lock-down" of narcissists. The desolate dorm over the weekends was better than going home and there was time to spend working in the cafeteria feeding the other students who didn't go home.
One problem for me is I don't trust most authorities in charge now. This doesn't mean, I hate all authority. Some of our local politicians and authorities seem okay. I'm not railing against the mayor for instance, but national politicians all seem corrupt to the max. The top dogs seem like raving psychopaths. Is growing up with a psychopath a lesson in how they operate? Remember after no contact, I woke up to their tricks, the smirks, manipulations and all had meaning. I see too many smirks on the face of the ultra powerful. There's too many with their Duper-Delight glee..
I've written enough about their dirty deeds. America is becoming more totalitarian everyday, corruption rules. Look at Sean "Diddy" Combs, another potential pervert is being outed who exploits and abuses people. Evil rises like turds in a punchbowl. Maybe the post-God and morality society is in more danger of the turds taking over. It sure seems that way.
I experienced insane teachings about authority when I was in fundamentalist Christianity. Remember one tenet of very conservative Christianity is that you must OBEY. This includes parents when young, authorities--some pastors make their mincemeat of Romans 13 and God. Quick punishment is to come for any transgressions. There are churches that teach pastors are always correct in the Sheperding movement, my churches weren't in it but pastors were given too much power all over. I had one humble and sincere one, but I realized how rare that was. In those churches you are taught you must OBEY. I got tired of men with full bank accounts and fancy suits, giving me directions on how to live my life. What did they know? Some of them seemed to ignore endless parts of the Bible I read.
Some more independent Christians would find verses like "Obey God rather than man". I quoted that one a lot on my old religion blog.
Many ACONS regret their approach to authority, some regretfully wimp out why didn't I leave? Why was I so weak? why was I so afraid? Why did I sit there and take it until my 40s [in my case]? There's a voice in me that thinks "What a wuss! You let that damn woman conquer you and take your whole family away!" Of course another voice in my head says, "What family?, they are all like her! She can have them!"
I have a online acquaintance where we have talked about hierarchies, he had a childhood like mine. His was a bit more physically abusive, but we both bore the brunt of living with the insane. However both of us experienced extreme abuse. He introduced me to the concept of child intrafamilial torture. This topic is so intense, I haven't even dealt with it on this blog yet. I got the feeling near drownings in the family pool and being locked in my room fit the bill in my case.
Many people who have experienced childhoods like this question authority to the max. I believe America is going into full authoritarian dictatorship which I know is controversial. Soon they will unload vaxx passes on us. They definitely have chipped away at the Bill of Rights and Constitution. Since the NDAA you don't even have the right to a fair trial anymore, they can just shove you in a black box prison.
My online acquaintance is on a board for ex-evangelicals, I wrote about my troubles with churches. He said to me, "you are clearly anti-authoritarian yet you keep wanting to be accepted in a hierarchy for some reason. I’d think about that."
It did give me room for thought.
I noticed as a fundamentalist, the pastors except the sincere one, were always trying to shut me down. There was no room for study. That drove me out. I didn't want life just to be a long list of insane rules and expectations.
One other problem I had in religion, was I always felt I was being "corrected". Nothing was ever good enough the hoops were always being raised. How many grow weary over the years, getting all these promises of economic viability and health for "being a good enough person". When old age started setting in, I felt repressed in fundamentalist circles. I didn't have the status, the grandchildren, the money to earn "respect" so I remained a "baby Christian" in the eyes of many church members who basically told me my misfortunes were rooted in rebellion against God. Wasn't that the foundation of my getting hooked up with Mrs. Curses? I was supposed to remove the demons, face the darkness and renounce all my wickedness and wicked deeds, and fix my woeful life. It didn't work!
Poor upbringings at the hand of narcissists leaves one far more vulnerable to spiritual abuse such as what I faced with Mrs. Curses. I have realized I don't have the relationship with God, that a person should have. God seems nice sometimes, with Jesus being nicer, but often God seems to me an ogre that likes to torture me. Talk about baggage when you feel God "hates you" but then on top of that, you have been taught if you have feelings like that, you are on the way to hell. If there is a good God, it would know my background.
Then I ended up departing from the Unitarian Universalist church, it was just an inverse experience of "not fitting in" or being with the program. I still miss many of the people, the intellectual stimulation and fun moments I used to have there. My husband wants me to go back. I like a lot of the people. The way things changed there were very difficult for me though especially since Covid.
I believe the UU was more open to "misfits" and "freethinkers" in the past but some developments within that church, the new articles and the new political climate in America ruined all this. The UUA became authoritarian too especially since Covid and the left lost its mind. Free-thinking wasn't so acceptable anymore. It was all very difficult to go through. It may take me years to feel right. They don't know the scope of my religious past that some of these troubles are rooted in. I think I'm at a point where I just can't have someone tell me what to believe anymore. I'm done with pastors, gurus, deliverance ministers, and more. I follow Christians online who question the church system and left it.
Sometimes I wonder if my trouble in churches came from this truth....I never was accepted for who I was or loved by my parents, and well, having a group making demands on me telling me I was "never enough", wasn't going to work. I got tired of all the hoop jumping. Maybe ACONS can fall into the elusive trap of always seeking after the accepting "unicorn" of the day you "come home" to find a loving group. One's expectations are too high trying to fill the place of the family that was never there.
Some seem to heal and to find lives. I had somewhat of a life in the 2010s during my happy years in the UU and other community activities. My life is crumbling now but maybe I got a few good years in. Fundamentalism as anyone knows is a high demand religion. I was using the religion to "fix myself" and make my life go "right" but it was failed experiment. My beliefs were sincere but something wasn't adding up.
Authoritarianism of various sorts has high social demands and demands for conformity. It is run by a social hierarchy and if you don't conform to their demands, or openly support then, then status will never be yours. Peer pressure runs the show, and it limits authenticity. The absurd can become normalized if leaders demand it. One reason I believe America is going down a corrupt path, is because we have what Toby Rogers refers to as "bougiecrats", we have this "expert" upper class formed of bureaucrats and professionals. I believe they brought us hell during Covid, and too many consider their word as law, and think they know more than everyone else. One reason people gave in to so much insanity was social pressures. To disobey the order brought immediate censure, punishment and more.
That's life in a narcissistic family. The narcissists in the system hold all the power. The social pressures are never ending from the top. Buck the system, then you are abused or forced out. No contact in many ways is the inevitable outcome for refusing to adhering to the family's value system. In an article this summer, I wrote about how other members of the family are unwilling to buck the system to give the scapegoat any support. Sadly much of human society is based on status and acquiring it.
My mother held the power in my family and still does. Everything revolved around pleasing her. I was nothing to them in comparison.
I believe humanity is in danger from love of status and conformity to the "powerful". Globalism endangers us all because power becomes even more huge and centralized and overweening with few avenues of escape. Many powerful obtain power via dubious means.
We are entering an Orwellian time where too many narcissists and wicked people are in charge, who won't let you sail your own ship in peace, and now have decided to mandate what you say. I am a first amendment absolutist, so don't want to hear terms like "misinformation" ["thought crime"] Ironically that was always one way narcissists functioned in family systems. Certain subjects were never to be discussed and you would be shut down to ask any questions. No criticism or dissent was ever allowed. That very word is triggering to me.
Being a member of the poverty class, we cope with invisibility. Society has no place for us. I wonder about my "connected" family destroying my husband's career, there was just too many "nos" along the way, but just don't know what happened. We are old now. Some friends have helped us recently but my feelings of being a "throw-away" person have intensified.
I think one reason I was the chosen scapegoat is I knew by age 5 my mother was a bad person. I saw right through her. I'm pointing to my screaming mother with a paddle, oddly I drew myself as Lucy from the Peanuts comic all over this sketch book and yelling "Your [sic] Bad!" Maybe that was the first blossoming of having my own thoughts, instead of my mind controlled relatives.
My religious journey has been a very odd one, but even there, I came to a conclusion while it was a human positive to avoid evil and seek to follow God, I was so done with being told what to think and how to be. The fundamentalists definitely had a long enough crack at it. I know toxic parts of religions use dark side of group dynamics. So do narcissistic families.
The narcissists work from the avenue of manipulation, and their whole life is about bending people to their will. The powers that be know you can't just beat people into submission, you got to love bomb them a bit and start passing out gold stickers in kindergarten. In narcissistic families there's no love or cooperation or even relaxed enjoyment of life, everything is competition and inside the mental map a narcissist gives you is a measuring stick you are always running short on.
People in America are taught authorities know best, and that they must depend on authority for survival. They can't live as empowered human beings. The monetary system shows this, the constant control, punishments and scarcity for most is one power and control tool that is used. The money system forms our prison bars. I obviously am someone the system decided not to award with a viable living. The disabled are throwaways sadly told to survive on nothing. More conformity and obedience brings the cash, but then I had the thought narcissists break the rules all the time and get cash, so maybe it's both. Many cheat, lie and grift to rise up in the ranks while others sell out, and rise up. Maybe some good and talented people find their niche too, but I think that's becoming less common.
Get out of line, and you won't make money to survive. I find it funny how some always go on about how the USA is this wonderful democracy, but the job system still adheres to 19th or even earlier century rules and mores. Where's the freedom in that? When you can be crushed like a fly simply for not having enough money.
There's times I think maybe I am too much of a free-thinker to fit in society. Do I want to fit in a sick society that doesn't value what I value? That's one question to ponder.
With ACONS, I believe there is a reckoning, you either submit, or you don't. My article about the scapegoats that betray you are examples of those who submitted. Aunt Scapegoat submitted. The ones that submit become ciphers. Freedom has costs I may write about later. In some ways the scapegoats who never rebel, never grow up. Mommy, Daddy or Grandma always remain an authority. I noticed that, when I looked around at people who were abused and "owned" by their families, I saw 60 somethings still worried about what Mommy may think.
My worse thing with the poverty is the adult functioning it's taken away. It drives me mad inside, the feelings of helplessness and "being punished". I can't even explain to people here, how my desire for money is rooted in just being a self actualized person instead of always being a desperate one. It's so bad, I feel this desire to leave the regular world system that is crushing me.
I'm a "reality theorist" Organic radical, that sees the world very differently from most people. There will always be an "outside factor to that. I also do believe having such an extreme body, where I basically have been a circus fat lady for over 25 years probably has affected my personality too. I wasn't like the super-fat people on My 600lb life either, things were extreme and weird.
I had the weird thought wondering if people who saw through the "matrix" so to speak or sought after outsider spiritualities, included a lot of ACONs with abusive parents. If the world doesn't make sense at 3 years old, you're going to do your best to "figure it out". Being raised by the morally insane narcissists and in my case, I believe a mother well into the psychopathic spectrum, was a crucible that formed a very unique individual. What's the rate of abusive parents among so called "conspiracy theorists", maybe for us the Truman show is exposed early!
People have said as much to me, that I am different. I am not some poser that wants to be "different', I actually am. It's been pointed out to me. Some have said things like "you are a challenging thinker", I always knew pastors found me an annoyance, even my free-thinking iconoclast UU minister of my youth seemed bugged by me, when I wanted to talk to him about intellectual matters. I respected that guy, and even read about his doings later. He got thrown out of his UU church for questioning 9-11. He seemed to have some rare guts.
A life time of suppression where you are not heard, seen, talked too or acknowledged takes a toll. I am driven to write about all sorts of stuff online. while in person, I appear far more "boring". I don't think people realize I have a brain in regular life, except for some of the decent art work or if I am close enough to you to tell you what I really think. How does that change our relationship with authority. We see these people with "power" and wonder how we lack it. Maybe the more ambitious or talented among our lot find it. Do some of us even seek power? We desire connection first and foremost but then realize our lack of power can cost us.
Some of us develop our own moral codes dependent on our values. I'm not saying mine is independent of all outside influences, my own is based on a mixture of the KJV bible, nuns, famous books and authors and a variety of other sources. That's something interesting to think about, ask yourself how and where your own moral code came from. For some of us, God, and the moral code come above authority. I'm fine with an authority if they aren't telling me to do evil things or sell out for them.
Sadly a lot of people who get abused, and this includes a lot of the golden children who get a few rewards like Pavlov's dogs, to think of other people, "I'll beat them down before they beat me". They feed the "meaner wolf"
We all have it in us to turn to evil. Sometimes I worry my own poverty will get to the point, I'll be pushed into the chasm of the "dark side'. Poverty can do funny things to people. Surrounded by enough evil, there's more possibilities of it. There is a verse in the bible where it says "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners." 1 Corinthians 15:33. Basically if you hang out with jerks, you are more likely to be a jerk. So here we are surrounded by all these Cluster Bs as young. Sometimes I worry I still get things wrong because I spent decades around people like this. Some can turn to evil, some give in to it, like I wrote in the last articles about the scapegoats who prop up the system and betray those of us who get out. Everyone has their temptations but maybe everyone has this challenge to choose a path of light over one of darkness.
One thing is often abusive authorities will corrupt a person and they'll do it step by step, they start with the small stuff and then break you down. I think this is one reason that my mother hated me, I wouldn't budge on the small stuff. My parents sometimes did tell me to lie, and to cheat. They told me cheating is how you get through and get by. They will directly teach you to be mean to people. All of us in these families viewed our abusers rewarding the "meaner" people in the family. I used to be slapped and told, "You are too sensitive and that disgusts us!" Imagine this, being smacked around because you were too nice or had too many emotions. It wasn't always for pouting or anything like that sometimes they got angry at positive feelings too or feelings of affection for others.
As a child I had a newspaper route. My mother took some of the money, but I saved all my money I could get. My family called me a "little miser". They'd shout, "You should be spending your money!" Even then I knew money was safety. They spent like crazy and practiced no financial wisdom. That's strange to think about, most parents are supposed to teach their kids virtues not vices. I know some kids get the parents who give them drugs and some extreme stuff like that but that often happens around narcissists too. If your first authorities teach you vices, but something in you seeks virtue, it can make a life go very different.
When you are a child you are dependent on adults. So you are kind of stuck with them. However adulthood wasn't this freedom either, especially if you have no money. You have no place, no power, no authority in society.
Some of us ACONSs know we can't go through life fighting everyone nor do we want to. We learn to make peace, to follow instructions, to find decent authorities like positive professors to listen to and let them guide us. However I think there are some ACONs who run out of the proverbial "fucks to give" and become full blown criminals. I couldn't find the cite for ACONs specifically, but there is a definite correlation with being abused as a child and becoming a criminal. "Being abused or neglected as a child increased the likelihood of arrest as a juvenile by 59 percent, as an adult by 28 percent, and for violent crime by 30 percent.
Many are so abused and beaten down they end up in the criminal justice system which means basically a life surrounded by Cluster Bs. I watch some true crime and prison shows, and while some were born predators some are made predators. There's also the people with some conscience left who end up in justice system who fight back against all authority because of extremely abusive childhoods or extreme poverty. Some of these people can still be reached for rehabilitation.
One thing we do figure out for the malignant narcissists, connection doesn't matter, everything is about the obtainment of power. They don't seek soul mates or meeting of the minds or the "joy" from "seeing" and "knowing" another person. They want power, control, domination. Other people are puppets on a string and they live for that control and yanking the strings. People stay strangers around them. You are a label, a thing.
Everything the narcissist does is about claiming power over other human beings. They want people seeking their approval and this is often the first priority to narcissistic families. All must please them at all times. To be the scapegoat means you are the avowed enemy. The narcissists we have in charge now want to conquer the earth, and terraform it, conquer our souls, and invade the body from within with the "Internet of Bodies". AI won't increase social equality or allow real cures for diseases even that will be all about surveillance. See it improving life? They want to take real art and creativity away too. The malignant don't like the tools of the soul in action.
Those who refuse to be cogs in the wheel are told get in line. We are told we should be punished for having minds of our own. Self will and actualization are suppressed. Maybe for the scapegoat, self-will is the only thing beyond God that will get you out of the prison-cell. One word I have referred to is self-sovereignty . I didn't have to be a little shaking child being told what to do anymore. I think I really grew up, when I thought, "I will be me despite the consequences". Those who never rebel you know become enmeshed with the family. They grow more dependent. They are their slave. They become what they want.
If you grow up around people trying to destroy you where the abuse is never ending, you set up defense parameters. Some therapists point out that these can harm people. I agree some things can be troublesome, many ACONs have a problem with trusting people. This can keep the bad ones away but also the good ones.
However sometimes fire can refine iron and ACONs can develop wills of iron. Let me warn you, ACON abuse breaks a lot of people too. Soul-murderers leave many victims in their wake of substance abuse, suicide, mental and health crack ups. I was nearly destroyed and my disabled body shows the damage I underwent. I had this therapist who once told me she thought I had a will of iron and the Stasi could tie me to a chair, and slap me around and that I wouldn't break. Everyone has their breaking point but I found this interesting she saw me that way.
Our trauma took many of us to the rock bottom, and we see through the system. The wool is stripped from our eyes. We see how many awful people are in power or who grab authority who remind us of our parents. Some of us take things further and question the system. I wonder if there are more numbers of ACONs with alternative political viewpoints or even in the conspiracy theory world? It would be interesting to research. Being a good NPC, who sees the system as benevolent, seems like it would be a lot rarer. The world didn't love us and kicked our ass very young. Take enough knocks, and you know something is wrong with your abusers and the system that enabled them.
My view of authority is probably different than many. I get the feeling many more "normal" people feel taken care of by authority. Their trust is far higher. They remember Mother hugging them and bringing them warm soup. I believe this put people at disadvantage during Covid, as they chose to trust in public health authorities and politicians. Most people see authority in their life as benevolent especially among upper classes. Poorer people know firsthand the corruption of the system, the dangers of the legal and justice system--avoid at all costs to avoid the ruination of your life, and jobs that deny you humanity like bathroom breaks and medical insurance.
As American life grows more dystopian this may change. Some of us have already been abused, crushed and denied a decent life. Anger burns a hotter fire in our hearts at our missed opportunities and realizing what could have been.
Some of us worry today authorities will crush us. I wonder what war could bring to the United States. I believe freedom is being chipped away. I don't like either main political party. The right wing wants to crush me for being disabled, and toss me in the gutter and the left wing, wants to force Covid vaccines on me that would end my life, end free speech, and bring other destruction. Let's just say living in America right now is like living under the tutelage of two insane narcissistic parents. Truth and a better life is not cared about. The most cruel and insane are in charge of the asylum. We all secretly whisper in our bedrooms/living rooms, "they don't care about us" as we watch our economic lives implode.
We are ruled by propaganda and gaslighted to death. I don't want to be a cog in a machine, or just "another brick in the wall". So much of religion backs this up, "do what you are told or hell awaits" on the conservative side of religion but then on the left side of religion, the constant message was censorship and being disenfranchised for asking too many questions and having the "wrong views".
I noticed the message was the same all over..."Conform or die [or be punished] or be outcast to the wilderness". This was life with my family and later life in the world. That said, who wants to fight their way through life? Some may think I'm a rabble rouster. I'm really not. I just didn't want to be destroyed. I just wanted to be left alone. Maybe I asked too many questions and wasn't at peace like I should have been, but I just wanted to get along.
I'm at the age, where doing watercolors at the Senior Center is satisfactory enough as a pleasant time. I leave other people alone so why can't I have the same favor, but in American society they always crush you. They don't leave you alone in peace. They take your money away.
I sometimes wonder did I rebel enough? Was I a wimp? Maybe I didn't conform enough. That can be stew. I still wonder why my mother "won" so much. Even old age didn't even seem to take her down a few notches. I lost my voice. My mother didn't follow the rules either, I doubt stealing my credit card was the only rule she "broke". Many ACONs can worry about being weak, we don't want abused anymore, we don't want to have anyone new "get over on us".
Sometimes I fear I give in too much. I don't see my husband as an authority especially since leaving fundamentalism but sometimes I fear I give in or submit to other people. I wanted to leave here last year, and here I still am "stuck". Our life is crumbling now. I don't want to live here anymore. I regret leaving the town I left 17 years ago. Medical care kept me here. Watching everyone move away and die from there has been sad, and I thought of the lost years with all the far away friends. This town I live in only cares about wealthy tourists, they don't even have decent housing. I have no niche, what'd any authorities ever do for me? Realizing the government wanted me dead as a 'useless eater" during Covid, any illusions about benevolent authorities was broken.
There's times even now I worry about being weak. Disability made me too dependent. I'm tired of being threatened with collections, homelessness, having no food or decent food, and no medicine. I'm tired of loneliness. Have they succeeded in grounding me down? I'll never love Big Brother!
The authorities like my parents don't care. Disabled people get rolled out into the street in their wheelchair too. Social workers only ever told us "No". I struggle with powerlessness in a society where I am very low status. Sometimes I do believe healing is more possible for the ACON if they can acquire higher status or more money. My advice is claim your power within, but this is harder said than done in a society where you may be very low status. If you are a young scapegoat reading this, don't end up like me, focus on the money making, focus on finding a strong community. I will post more about poverty and the scapegoat soon. It all overlaps.
Sometimes this world feels all about control and domination to me. Like I lost the spun of the dial. The colonizers or who David Quinn calls the "dominators" took over. Each generation of slaves whips the next generation of slaves into compliance and it's always the worse and most evil and conniving in charge. This compliance is rooted in unquestioning obedience to any figure of authority using fear, threats, humiliation. My family hated me because I questioned the system. I'm sure they'll obey whatever new tyranny takes over America.
That said subjugation doesn't always come at the end of a cattle prod or whip. Some toxic authorities serve their dash of control with some love bombing or promises to "save" you. Some will tell you, "We will be your new family" or "I will deliver you". This video goes deep into these aspects of "authority". Theramin Trees talks about the influence of algorithms as well. Sometimes the obedience is demanded with a spoon of honey instead of a smack.
One danger for ACONs, is falling for the trap of seeking new authorities, or people who will help "change" things. We can learn from people there's nothing wrong with that but when people seek after those who claim false authority over them it can lead to dastardly things. I made this mistake getting hooked up with the deliverance minister. Religion became a mess to me. While I still believe in God, I'm in a strange phase now long ago weary of philosophies promising Utopias, gurus, pastors, "correctors", and others. I'm kind of in a "Leave me alone" holding space. I'm old, I don't want corrected like a little kid, told I'm not faithful enough or "woke" enough or not doing enough. I still read the Bible and other religious books but I'm tired.
Things are set up for power and control in this society. I read the book Ishmael by David Quinn and it brought me to question why is life especially in America all about domination, control, dominance and conquering? We are all led by carrots on a stick for our entire life with ensuing punishments for not being with the program. Most human beings don't even realize they are in a trap. They trust the system, they think the system is "good", while some of us, I think due to abuse and trauma, faced such extreme things, we woke up one day and realized humanity is in a cage. This system is screwed up. It doesn't bring human happiness. There's a reason I started reading about Prison Planet theories. Something is very wrong with this place. For me personally, there's always been a feeling of I wasn't supposed to be here. Some strong spiritual Christians used to tell me in my rural town, "This world is not my home".
We are told to obey, conform, submit, have the right thoughts, not rock the boat, don't be a dissenter, don't be a whistleblower, don't cause trouble, don't stand out, fade into the wall, submit to your betters, do what they say, do not question.
For those of us [me] who have arrived at an anti-authoritarian view in life, this isn't a comfortable place.
Where do narcissists come in? Malignant Narcissists are the souls that have GAMED the authoritarian system. It works for them. America is especially a system where narcissists/sociopaths and psychopaths succeed and rise to the top. . My family never went without a dollar they wanted including my mother. There was no tears or being the deer in the highlights, as poverty was rolling to crush you like a stone. They know how to connive, manipulate, use people like puppets on a string. Many people have noticed and it's a problem that ones who even desire the duties of authority now, many of them, seem to be on the narcissistic spectrum.
Something is wrong with a society where too many with ill intent rise to the top, and those who hold to conscience and integrity become their victims all too often. Authority has run off the rails here. Some are standing up but it's not easy.
Americans are treated like second class citizens by their own government that gives more money to their endless globalist enterprises and war when things are literally collapsing at home. People can't afford groceries and rent but still the pay-offs overseas continue.
I got a CT scan done for the kidney infection, that's how they found it.
My house call doctors did put Cushings on my list of diagnoses after I showed them paperwork dating back to the early 2000s with my high cortisols, during times I wasn't on any steroids.
I'm supposed to get a scan in some months to make sure it's not growing. It could be asymptomatic, but I'm supposed to go to the endocrinologist too now.
My adrenals tested with seven times the hormones in 2003. This was with me being on blood pressure medicine, that shocked my doctor at the time, but they never arrived at any conclusions about it.
I wrote several times on this board about my suspicions I had Cushings. It's been so many years. I'm old now, it's kind of late in the day.
I do wonder if my bladder and kidney system is dying, I'm on my third UTI/Kidney infection in 2-3 months. My bladder always feels like it's going to burst and like it hurts. Incontinence sucks too. I don't pee myself during the day, it's always at night, because then some fluid starts coming off my body. There's going to be a lot of forthcoming visits to the Urologist. Something "down there is" is wrong.
Doctors have gotten more mercy for me, in realizing there's a LOT of problems.
Are you an impoverished scapegoat, or one with a wealthy narcissistic family who ended up in severe poverty? I want to interview you for blog article. No real names to be used, no pay, but if you want included in my article about Scapegoats falling into poverty email me here at fivehundredpoundpeep@gmail.com
Yesterday I went to the farm stand to get some decent vegetables, and got butternut squash, these special small butternuts that are sweeter, pumpkin, 2 jars of pickled carrots, tomatoes, zucchini, onions, garlic, a variety of peppers, Brussel sprouts and more. It's harder to get healthier food I can afford. To buy decent food we have to go on an over 12 mile trip to this farm stand and Aldi's. Health food ingredients are vaporizing off the shelves around here. Food also is very expensive. This place is definitely a "food desert", especially with two grocery stores close by that are overpriced. They are full of chips, sweets and sodas, but try finding cilantro, bean sprouts, and health food products, you won't. They got rid of them all. They run out of the few good products constantly too. Restaurants here are closing, it's bad, I would say it's at least 50 percent of them within 3 years. This is a good article that goes into the details of why our food is worsening, and its destructive to our health. Unless the MAHA movement plans to change some of the economic realities, their messages will be useless to Americans who end up buying things they can afford instead of really what they want or need.
Life is now a trap for many. I feel one wrong step and off the cliff I'll go! A friend helped me out about two months ago. Around a week later, the govt sent me a notice, telling me that my disability check was going to be 400 dollars less than normal! If not for that friend's help, the lights probably would have been turned off.
We are trying to sell some ebay to pay this month's electric bill. I find what free stuff I can do, like the Senior Center art classes, and going to the library. Life worrying about money constantly is very hard. Why did we both have to become "throw-away" people? America is basically a dystopia now. This place for many of us is hell.
Most poor people under the "think positive" mantras of America, hide their suffering, I talk about it at the risk of being called a loser. My skin is rock hard now, it rolls off, call me a bum, I'm just trying to survive.
In real life, I do hide my poverty but now with my crumbling shoes and worsening health, that's getting harder and harder. This weekend we ran out of shampoo, trash-bags, and all groceries. I had some canned beans left and foods that could cause kidney stones like some canned ravioli and frozen pork from a food pantry. I can't take kidney stone risks. He called a friend that brought us some groceries. She is a nice person. I will send her a small painting soon. It sucks though why are things like this that we are always in need?
Should we go live in our van? Well I'm not physically up to the rigors. Beg a friend to go live in their very small apartment? What do I do with my medical equipment that alone fills half a room? I wrote this long list of options for us to take. I told husband, we need to discuss these. We will keep the housing record clean staying here until the spring when the lease is up otherwise. We are too frozen. I'm more of a risk taker, I want to say "Dump it!" and flee.
The rules for the poor are jokes. HUD, considers us as "making too much" even if we are both just on disability and/or Social Security alone. Who thought that up? You know life is going down the shitter when you say things to your husband like, "Maybe I should go live in a group home and you can go live with a friend for a while!" It would put too much distance between us though.
When the guy in the above video tours those stores, I couldn't afford anything there. Costco looks like millionaire's alley. Most of the meats he shows would take up one quarter of my food budget. The Legos, and junk food, who can afford any of that?
Food got in very short supply. When you are poor the carbohydrates go up, I was going to give up pasta but had to eat a bit this week because it's what I had. I've cut portions in half to have another for another meal. We had spaghetti with ground turkey meat sauce two nights in a row. We don't seem to be losing the weight normal people would on less food. There's a lot of times I have to plan for low blood sugar, especially if food is short in the house like holding on to the last banana and putting it in my walker if I'm going out.
The other week I got a kidney infection, it was bad. I waited, thinking it was passing kidney stones, hoping they would pass. I threw up for 4-5 days in a row. There was a 48 hour period where my only food was 2 bites of banana, that was later thrown up. I had to time things to get pills down and restrain the puking. Insulin was halved to keep from dying of low blood sugar. This is sick, but the thought occurred to me, "Wow, I'm saving a lot of money on food!" I also thought, "I hope this takes some weight off". I don't know why I can't go without food when I'm not sick like this but there were 4-5 days without any food. I've never thrown up so much in my life. It was mostly dry heaves and bile too, food disappears fast. It felt like I was dying.
When you get that sick, it's hard to keep it together. I finally said "Call my urologist, these kidney stones won't pass!" My husband got him on the phone, and he told me to go to the ER. When you are poor, you don't want to go to the hospital, thinking of the money. Maybe I waited too long. I avoided sepsis at least and was not admitted though they almost admitted me. They put me under the care of my house call doctors and put me on antibiotics. There were no kidney stones, it was the kidney infection. The hospital staff did treat me well.
The reason I got sick, was the stress. Also, the climate in my northern state, seems to be akin to Florida's now. It is always hot and humid. Sometimes I think we should move north, but who wants to move away from their few friends? There's less medical care too in the northern areas. Our air conditioner broke and was leaking, they replaced it, but I was getting hot constantly. The AC spewed out a little cold air, but I don't think was removing any humidity. At this weight, it is dangerous to be hot too often.
We were selling ebay and I was helping him. Today I'm putting up some old zines, maybe its only 4 dollars, but it will get me a head of lettuce or some food. Inflation has made my disability check basically worthless. It is keeping the roof over our heads and paying the now overinflated electric bill, 200 a month, and that's it. I don't have anything left. He's doing transcription but now the transcription company is cutting work and that's scary. He had to do surveys for us to eat a few dinners.
There's nowhere to go in this town. I live in a wealthier area next to one of the worse ghetto areas in the state. There's no studio apartments in this town. It's weird. They basically in the last few years have driven off all the working class and poorer people as they have gentrified this place to death. So we have the pressure of having to start over. We have been waiting for that housing list for subsidized housing but now I fear things are going to collapse before then.
This has been my life among some liberals who have told me the economy is doing great!
I hate how my life has turned out. It seems no matter what I have done, it just went bad. The world will tell you, that you lack discipline, its your fault. I was told in the church world my life went badly because I lacked faith and that didn't do many wonders for sustaining that faith. Most poor people in America are forced out of churches. You can't afford tithes, dues, activities and meals for the potluck. I wish there were churches for poor people, it would be nice to share goods and resources that way. My one decent Christian church, in my old working class town, we had a food closet church members could use when they became broke. That was a good idea. If I do church again, I will only go to a church full of other poor people. Maybe it will be more like that again.
Later on I got a second UTI and now am sick again wondering if I am going to survive or not. So that's three. My doctor thinks it's the same one coming back, they did urine scans that say it is the same bacteria-- some type of pneumonia. All this stress is not helping my health.
Four different friends helped us this month. Thank you to those friends. One friend kept me from going down to the bad side of town with a cardboard sign.
I just do not know what to do. I feel stuck in a maze paralyzed. One needs money to move. We don't want to move twice. A friend already has promised to help us move to the subsidized place. I don't know where the "bad" areas are in all towns. The town my subsidized apartment is in, even the cheapest apartment there is 900 a month, another town near by you can get 400 square feet for 750-800 dollars, but when what do I do with all my stuff? Storage costs would take any money I save. We already have sold off or are selling off everything but the kitchen sink. We will never have money to replace things.
Most standard apartments are around 1100-1400 dollars. I pay 1200 here. My check cut by the government by almost 200 dollars is now around 1300. Do the math, of how screwed I am. His money is only adding up to around 1200-1400 a month. Medical bills and other expenditures add more costs to our lives. We can't afford the basics anymore.
Welfare is laughable, if your subsistence survival level is over their cut-offs and you need to sell stuff on ebay to constantly survive or do surveys like he does for 50-100 dollars, or to go to friends for help then that is held against you. They offer almost nothing to a person. Republicans will grouse about those living high off the hog on EBT but the last time we were on EBT even during far easier days, we only got 16 dollars a month. It was cut to nothing by then. No one knows this but welfare was defacto cut off down massively this year. They are using 2019 money numbers and have not taken the 40-50% increase in the cost of living into account. We may need to go on for Medicaid soon but this is all stressful.
Social workers never have any mercy for us though. Maybe they are overwhelmed and think well you two don't have an eviction notice so back of the line you go. When I sought help for the electric bill, they wanted you to be in a cut-off already. The way things work, they wait until you crash and burn and then scrape the pieces off the sidewalk. I made a payment plan with the electric bill, I got two months left on it but then more too big bills will come. They don't care about us. They give laughable-cut offs for any program where if you were under them, you'd be homeless and unable to eat at all. All they do is weed people out. Maybe it's the raving drug addicted or single mothers who get the help. It's certainly not me.
Get this, I found this local program for husband for unemployed seniors, and he called and even there, they told us "we make too much" and he is considered "employed" even with just some online transcription at 150 a week, and 400 a month or so in newspaper articles. This is the kind of craziness, we have dealt with. I think he should call them again, we probably are under the cut-off now, and insist they take a look at him.
Some people on reddit, said the remote world is dying from AI, and he's already noticing transcription is going in the hole. Don't major in journalism you'll be poor. I sometimes shouldn't post so much about poverty on reddit, some people are in the same hole, but some are judgmental jerks. They always got jobs.
He's so burned out from these money problems. He really was disabled back in 2009 due to vascular and other disorders but Social Security said because of his newspaper history, he could do sit down work and we transferred him into transcription and work from home stuff. He had my caretaking to think of too. And now that's dying. How screwed are we? COMPLETELY.
Sometimes I wonder why people don't help with jobs? If a church sees you sinking into extreme poverty, and they have high level professional jobs, isn't there a mail room or other job popping up in their world? Shouldn't they help someone? I never saw a church help with a job. Always wondered about that. They lose your dues when you go into extreme poverty. This applies to both the conservative and liberal church world. Maybe he's too autistic or something but age discrimination seemed to kick in around age 45. I can't solve it anymore.
He's dedicated to business as usual where I probably would have already sold everything and left. We have to cut off even the most stripped down cable in about week, which means I'm back to having absolutely no TV. A friend got me a firestick but the TV may be too old for it to hooked up. I am trying to talk him into cutting off the long distance land line he says he "needs for work". There's too much overhead and not enough pay back.
Why aren't there boarding houses anymore by the way? Its like they've set everything up to destroy the poor. Some small towns, I could survive in a lot easier. I wish I could move to this one very remote town, it does have a Dial a Ride and a hospital but all specialists are 30-40 miles away and I see a lot of specialists. I like this town and the people are nice, but it's very remote. All my saved money would go into gas and transportation and what if the car breaks down? I need regular CT scans now and ultra-sounds. So is my choice to live in a burned out ghetto, impersonal expensive area urban or in a nice friendly small town, without any specialists? How did poor people become so alone and without community in America?
Its like I'm banging my head on the wall and nothing ever changes. Whatever it takes to make it, I lack. He worked hard too but we ended up as ruined as anyone can be without being homeless. It ruined everything, my church life, faith, health--can't afford food and mental health.
We have about another year to go before he can go on Social Security and he will need to even supplement that.
Sometimes I do ask "Why did I have to be a throwaway person?" Why did he have to be one too? Is it the autism? He was good at the newspaper work and articles he writes now, I sent some links to online friends to prove he can do work while we are slammed into extreme poverty. Sometimes I do question what role my family played in this life destruction. None of them ever went without a job. None of them ever went without a dollar they wanted. I'm not around to know but from my previous experience, none of them ever lost jobs or went without money.
Applying for jobs online, you don't even talk to humans. He told me one day, "I feel like the robots are weeding me out!" I tried to take a picture for his ID to apply for one job with my phone, and it didn't go through. They wouldn't help him either. "Sucks to be you!" is the whole attitude.
More and more people are doing bad now. The middle class is getting squashed. I complain online but don't say much IRL, because even the people with money now are having it vacuumed out. Except for the very rich, everyone's lifestyle is diminishing. Everything is skyrocketing in cost. Life is failing to "work" for the majority now. I am in shock there has not been peaceful protests at grocery stores in poor towns especially for the corporates. Maybe there has been and they are keeping it out of the news. Some states are reporting everything is being put behind glass there's so many thefts, but all the burgeoning poverty where people can't afford anything is probably helping that happen.
Sometimes I think just practice stoicism. I already went through extreme poverty trauma, and most long time readers of this blog, know how very extreme it was. There's a point where you stop caring. I make jokes now well if I am in the streets at least I won't have to worry about these damn bills. Cry, scream, sell stuff--I sold off every piece of silver in the house even taking the guy an old spoon, it doesn't change. The last two times, it crashed and burned I was crying. Now I am kind of numb.
You feel more lost of a family when poor like this, you have thoughts like, "If I had a decent family, I could go live with them and take a breather, and wait for my apartment!" It's easier to be poor with a decent family than without one. I'm glad we have the friends we do though. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have good friends.
Every day I ask, "Why did I have to be a throw-away person?" Well there's probably millions of us now. The economy sucks and is an utter joke. America is a sad country. This place is horrible. I saw a quote on twitter that says "America has a heart of steel" with a picture of the Statue of Liberty above it. That about explains it. I wish I had joined the Hutterites, or the convent, or the commune when young.
The American empire is dying, maybe some of us are canaries in the coalmine. I do wonder why the American people are okay with the constant crushing. Don't they see the quality of their lives being destroyed day by day? First Covid ruining our lives and now this, it's unforgiveable.
