A Cartoon That Sums Up Why I left Evangelical/Fundamentalist Churches

 

Wow this one sums up why I left. It's a good cartoon. One of the last sermons I heard as my IFB was the pastor telling us if we obeyed God, that we would be blessed in life. Many in that world thought they were more holy in having stable housing, good jobs and money. Religiously things are complicated for me. 

I wonder how many chronically ill/disabled/broke people exit out of evangelical Christianity and decide to be done. Some may still believe in God/Jesus, or have other religious yearnings. It wasn't a very friendly world for any of us. Remember when I wrote this article about the poor and disabled in churches, you can see the seeds of my feet moving out the door back then! Jesus taught the kingdom of God is within you, not in brick church buildings. I've had other thoughts about how the Christian world has paid far more attention to his death than life. A lot of corruptions came in early. 

I remember praying and begging God, as bad things happened and then later, the prayers became "Stop hurting me!" It wasn't going to set up a good relationship with God was it? I still believe in God or a higher power etc, but definitely now I am only interested in a nice and loving God not a mean narcissistic Dad behind a shut door ready to beat you for the smallest transgression. Regular churches don't understand the damaging messages they give.  I have been trying to figure out connection to a loving God. I'm not sure where that's going to go. Religion still is complicated. Fundamentalism always told me to seek out first concrete answers to everything but real life is a lot messier.

I even have been reading the Bible again but am reading the words of Jesus directly trying to take all church baggage away from them. Hell is still a problem for me though if there is a hell, I don't mind if Fauci, Bill Gates and others like them go to one. 

This cartoon by Hayward [he is a liberal Christian from what I can tell but questions the system as a whole] was very hard hitting. How can you have a good relationship with a God that you think is out to hurt you? Too many want to turn God into a monster who just seems to want to squish you. I always felt the evangelical view of life was twisted especially when it came to hardship and yes as the Venn Diagram shows, it built up the terror. You start being afraid as it seems God is out to hurt you, after all that's what the churches tell you is happening, you sinned and didn't have enough faith and weren't "blessed". So wonder religious trauma has become an issue for so many people. 

Thoughts on Obesity

 

Link

Studies have been done connecting plastics to obesity. There are toxins out there that are affecting hormones and metabolism. I find the information about Russians telling their women dealing with infertility to get away from plastics to be very interesting. I like the line "The movement for fat "acceptance", though, is a coverup for things they don't want you to know about." I used to talk about this years ago how fat acceptance seemed to be distracting from anyone asking why everyone was getting so fat!

Something Doesn't Add Up with Covid....

 Can someone tell me how this makes any sense? Notice all these conditions are severe disabling types of things that can put your life immediately at risk....See more clear picture here. 

Ok read what I said about this, and THINK this one out. 

I get the feeling most humans don't think things out for the long term. Maybe this is my autism, but I read the 1 in 5 will get a serious disease of some sort from even mild Covid cases and think this can't end well. Remember most people I know are on their 3rd or 4th bout and then considering the march of time how are the numbers going to go with this? Either these are all lies, and Covid is really OVER, the PCRs are marking ordinary colds/flus as Covid or humanity is screwed. 

Everyone has returned to normal life, even my local medical centers have done away with all the masking. Most believe Covid is over. 

 
I am talking to my husband about returning to normal life, despite consequences. I know one of us and it's probably going to be me will have to pull the plug, and I do worry I have been a coward even to have waited this long. He wants to wait 6 more months, I asked for a specific time. However I talk to him about this stuff too, and have told him, you know some are saying "Mild Covid" can do bad stuff. So wonder we are stuck on a "frozen" carousel wheel. Its my fault too. Add in that everyone looks sick around us too, most of that I blame on the vaxx but when people say things on Zoom like both grandparents have stage 4 cancer, or two in the same small group got one of each of your "rarer" conditions, it makes you wonder. The constant illness and people who once were hale and hearty looking like they are going to drop, made us constantly hesitant too. 

We had a friend visit for 12 hours and stayed masked and some of it seems to be going into absurdity. I found myself leaving the room to even drink a glass of water. This friend lives normal, he stopped at two vaxxes long ago since they gave him adverse effects but was willing to respect our wishes. He's had Covid three times. I asked him about it and about the symptoms which he described as "different". 

My relationship with the UU church is almost wiped away I've been gone so long. Here's the problem in a nutshell, I have so much wrong with me, I'm scared. My forehead is breaking out, I'm having bouts of muscle weakness, My mobility has worsened. My metabolism scares the hell out of me, money stripped down the food as well as fears of kidney stones. I've had COPD problems from constant weather changes--it's controlled been like that for years, and having labs all over the place and all these years was scared of adding Covid to the mix so that's why I was overly cautious. 

However after three years of this, I know I can't keep going on this way. I'm testing the patience of some friends who by the way were understanding. My health is suffering from the isolation. What kind of life is one locked away? As I wrote in a past article, some people were starting to get angry and impatient. That's definitely happened. 

 I have told husband, our few friends are getting sick of the masks where we can't eat meals and relax? What about the Renaissance Faire, are we going to bumble along in masks where I get short of breathe all day with weird spots in front of my eyes just to walk? This is one of the first events I plan to go to in a long time. I even put up my art show in a N95, and had the embarrassing moment of us going down to a table where my art show friend had some drinks and snacks and I chose not to have anything though my husband drank under his mask. She was nice about it, but I wished I could be in her in that moment.  Seeing all these other people live normally and happily has taken a toll.

 I have wondered if I need a therapist for germ phobia at this point, someone to help guide me back into regular life. Maybe I do, I'll admit it. The vaxxes were a failure, most aren't taking them anyway anymore. I did get a lot of art work done from being forced into being a isolated hermit. It made an art show possible. The bright side of the cloud, but this is no way to have a life. I don't want to do it anymore. Maybe people who haven't been so sick just don't understand. 

I have grown more angry at being put in this position to begin with. This is a society that has checked out and is now insane and doesn't care about any truth. Most of us are on our own. Reality is NOT what they are telling us it is. That's all I know. They are lying. Some people I trusted did prove to me, Covid was real, remember when I wondered if it was all a hoax, and even Omicron bought different symptoms.  However I do not know what is going on NOW. There are people who believe like I do on Twitter, that they unleashed bioweapons on us, and it's a two pronged attack via vaxx and virus. 

 There's no one to trust anymore. They all have lied and don't care. Sometimes my intuition goes scary places, where I think the "let it spread" plan is a plan for slow death.  Fill everyone with spikes [from both virus and vaxx] and diminish life spans, but do it in a way where they "aren't caught". I've told myself well I can't live like this for 10 more years or whatever years I got left of life.  Who wants to be lonely [outside of my marriage]  and not make new memories or have any happiness?

The process will be slow enough, no one will ever wake up and only the very old will look around and think 20 years ago, people in their 30s and 40s weren't constantly dropping dead of heart attacks and most women could have a baby if they wanted one.  They know people will return to their ordinary lives eventually even me. They destroyed our world and I want you all to notice something too...

Notice there's no plans for treatments, cures or solutions beyond failed vaxxes for the general public and rebound anti-virals that are already failing. You think they don't have the money to cure it or put some work into curing it?

Why would the CDC post that at the same time they are pushing everywhere opening up? Look at that graphic again, supposedly if you get a mild case, you have a 1 in 5 chance of a severe outcome. How many mild cases are normal living people getting yearly once, twice? I would say 50 percent of people I know have had Covid at least twice, and 50 percent have hit the three times mark since 2020. Do the math here? Do you see the discrepancy?

Who is lying? When people don't know what is going on, it makes all this far harder. I got ideas to quiz doctors and others but they are mum. Some won't even answer the question, "Are people getting Covid anymore?" Some have treated me like I am paranoid, and one housecall doctor even said to me, "Do you wear this mask inside when you are alone?" I laughed things off and said, "No, I don't." We live in a world where if I reacted with anger, it could be used against me. It wouldn't be hard for her to go put that I have lost my mind in my records. She obviously thinks I am psycho for still masking when they come over and having husband mask. They stopped wearing masks but put them on noticing I was wearing them. She could be a conservative that believes it's a hoax, well then tell me. Tell me you have had no patients with Covid in over a year. Don't let me hang on like this. I may ask her the next time I see her. 

No one will answer the question is Covid about the same risk as getting MRSA, I never hid out for MRSA and that has been all over the place for years. So should I start going back to life? They always give me vague answers. I wanted the promise of some support if I caught anything. I have to go see a functional guy I can barely afford to get any real answers or help or support. That should be coming soon. Some appointments got delayed.  If I can have someone in the background who will help me with real protoccols and actual treatment, then I will be safer in the return to the world. The normal doctors have offered no support and answers. At least I never had the clot shots pushed on me given the health history. I think most have accepted those failed anyway.

So think this one out, years ago I wrote about how narcissists used to split, giving contradictory information at the same time. Our psychopathic leaders seem to be indulging themselves in the same. Telling us things like mild Covid will kill you [and maybe it will too along with the vaxxes] but offering no solutions and acting like everything is okay.  I don't want any forced lock-downs or masks, or any of that nonsense, but one can tell someone's lying. Trying to figure out what the lies are or what is really happening to make decisions has been very hard.   I have to go get my life back now somehow. This can't carry on the same way. 

Why I am Politically Homeless

 There are some exceptions, but this is the main reason I am disenfranchised from the left. I noticed the elitism growing, as the prices skyrocket, no one is talking about the effect on the poor or middle class. When people use terms like "misinformation", I check out. To manage in day to day life around the mostly indoctrinated, I did become a far quieter person. It just wasn't worth arguing anymore. Some would flip out if they knew what I posted elsewhere online but I don't care. I did tell one closer friend, you need to realize I am making stands against this insanity, some of us have to. That said, running to the right wing, is no solution, as they work to remove all social safety nets. 

Abnormal Cortisol and Latest Health Stuff

 I had a recent 24 hour urine cortisol come out abnormal. They called me to go take another blood test. I'm not sure if it's too low or too high.

 I've had weird readings before. Not sure if they will find out anything but I'll see. The present endocrinologist has a bad review on google, where someone wrote she made them feel like a "fat sack of crap". My experience wasn't much different. Why did the luck of the draw give me another thin elitist who has no independent thinking?

 I have to see her one more time but may switch to the other doctor in the practice. I'll just say look this isn't working out. This woman ignored health problems to push Ozempic on me. If you had someone who is a hormonal and autoimmune mess in front of you, why on earth would you want to complicate the experiment? Lately I'm wondering if I will get the run around on the new cortisol stuff, but who knows. People regain weight they lose from Ozempic as soon as they go off it. Insurance may not cover it, it's over 1,000 a month. 

I called the eye doctor mentioning "shadow letters" with one eye, they seem to be getting worse. The nurse told me, I have a history of showing cataracts and they want me to come in sooner rather than the previous appointment of three months ago. Fortunately I found out it's just worsening astigmatism. New glasses are needed. Life feels like a long list of things I cannot afford. 

 Health lately is weird, one day, I was able to move and walk, it's never normal but I didn't feel so much pain. Another day, things got bad, the pain was horrible, my wrists, neck and ankles hurt like hell. I was in bed most of the day. Today is middling but I am exhausted from a blood test and grocery shopping trip. I can still walk through an Aldi's on my walker though I have to take a few rests. I guess that's like a work-out to someone like me. Hey I move around as much as I can. My health is bad lately but I decided to garden again for financial reasons and the activity itself is soothing to me. My appetite has been weird, old age seems to be lowering it, but probably the metabolism is going down as well.

Why Does Everyone Hate AmberLynn Reid?

 

I kept seeing the name AmberLynn Reid pop up. She's a super-sized youtuber who is around my size, who does online eating [mukbang], and has videos about her daily life.  I found this Youtube Channel called Irked Content that makes fun of her eating and what she shows on her videos. AmberLynn is well known online but not in a good way. I saw a Kiwi Farms post on her, where they really rip her down. They have a special hatred for fat people on that board so not going to link there. I've seen her mentioned on multiple message boards over and over, where people really ripped on her, and were disgusted. That's one danger of being a public fat figure in anyway. 

I went to go watch her channel. She likes to talk alot but she could just be an average neurotypical and I'm being too judgmental. To do videos, talking a lot and for some periods of time would be a necessity. Her life seems kind of boring in her grey-doored apartment where she is doing her make up a lot.  I should be one to talk I'm not exactly living an exciting life since Covid.  Sadly a lot of super-obese people end up socially isolated. I have to watch more videos to see if I am misjudging this, maybe she has a lot of friends. Sometimes it seems people do youtube videos as a way to connect with others, well this was a motive for even my own blog. 

She dates girls only so I'm guessing she is a lesbian, but she could be a bisexual too. She's far healthier than I was at 31, but she's had a hysterectomy and gallbladder problems. I guess if you're on video, you have to fill the time, which if I had ever done a youtube channel, I'd probably talk about conspiracy and religion too much. She has a bad reputation I think for being a fat mukbanger--a phenomenon I never understood. Do people watch others eat so they don't eat? It made her far more severely obese. She started the channel 10 years ago and was very fat then too. Maybe she needs to think about the eating on film stuff, it's not doing her any favors. Maybe she's running off to the bank not caring most of her viewers are now "hate watchers".  I don't get it. Also one way I worry for her is her identity seems completely weight based, supersized people can fall into the trap. Maybe I'm weird so focused on artistic pursuits and questioning the system, but that's something too she needs to escape. 

I feel sorry for her, she's a far healthier younger me and so we are very different people but you can tell she is stuck on the obesity gauntlet too. She's done the dieting and now is investigating weight loss surgery. I have seen so much regains in weight loss surgery, in my case around that age I decided against it but didn't believe I would live through it. It's probably a miracle I lived this long. Age is catching up on me. Sadly Amberlynn probably is going to have a difficult life too. 

In her case like Tammy Slayton if she wants weight loss surgery, she should go for the DS weight loss surgery too. She says she has BED or "binge eating disorder" but seems to dispute that on later videos. She does eat a lot. The outraged Irked Content people are correct she eats too much. My life was always weird watching My 600lb life people and her eat far more vast quantities of food than I could ever take in. Some of us really do have metabolic problems. Her life seems to be a video diary of eating bad American food, that definitely has affected her obesity. Well I've asked for years why don't we get to have more healthy food in America? There's a lot of fast food I wish I never touched when young. 

She appears to be far more socioeconomically comfortable especially for a supersized woman than most. One website detailed her worth at 4 million, I don't know, a lot of those websites are wrong. She's not living on a disability check alone to have all that makeup, jewelry, and take-out food. I read too she used to be a super-sized model. I do get the feeling from her art work, and reading about her family history there was some early trauma, I've only seen a few of the videos so far. Her eyes have a kind of distant look to them and her art work is so "controlled" with repeating lines and patterns. This is the wannabe art therapist in me writing.  In one video she said she had OCD, her's definitely manifests different, I can see it.

They sell basically garbage for people to eat then they wonder why people are so diabetic, obese and sick. I get so sick from processed foods, I was watching one of her videos this morning to write this article, and had to be careful, I can get IBS from weird things. Once someone was talking about tiger poop on "Meet the Irvings" and they showed the poop on TV and I got the worse IBS attack ever and almost threw up. She was eating these 5 bright orange Taco-bell Tacos. I had a very bad effect from Taco Bell in my 20s, I never have eaten there since, and almost felt like puking.  That's a horrible giant meal for someone of her size to be eating. Maybe I am guilty of judgment too but something went wrong for her to even want to eat foods like that. 

She does eat very badly and has an eating disorder. I get the feeling the youtube channel was at its peak some years ago when mukbang was more popular and she gained weight doing some of that. Self-destruction for money is never worth it. Sadly that's a trip too many fat people took both in the eating world and sex-worker world.  She shows signs of definite satiety disorder and the processed food, sugars and salt can't be helping. One thing I note is how there are so many haters, her channel is basically a "hate the fatties" channel with angry outraged thin people disgusted by her food intake filling the comments about how she is a "loser", and it's her fault she got turned down for weight loss surgery. Surely she realizes that most of the attention she is getting is negative. She was recently rejected for it. That seems to be a thing out there where people all gather in shout down groups to the so called "deathfats", merely existing at a certain weight makes you a ready target. 

As I have said for years, no one questions why someone even wants that much food? My endocrinologist will have access to the medical nutritionist's report.  I add up calories constantly in my diet journals, to know how much is going in to avoid gains. There's Budgies and then little food lists, I've even draw them. I ate 1970 calories 6 days ago. Yesterday, I was busy and annoyed as hell by hunger pain at least three times, I had crap to do. I have hunger pain now, it sucks, it never leaves me alone. I had an egg sandwich at 9:00 pm on multigrain bread and a banana. My blood sugar was 99 this morning.

I ate half a turkey sandwich at noon, but right now my stomach is growling like hell and its only 3 hours later. I'm planning to make some tomato and orzo soup later but still have to do nebulize my lungs and a few other things. That's my life. I'm don't want to cook but have to because everything processed leaves me dying in the bathroom. I find it a pain, and when you get old food doesn't taste the same anymore. I never got Covid, and can still smell but my memories of how food used to taste aren't the same as now. Old age cuts the appetite down but sadly the metabolism goes with it. 

Thin people don't get that. Hunger pain, and it's actual pain doesn't bother them like fat people. I watch Amber Reid eat and think what are the levels of hunger and satiety? I learned to embrace some hunger pain not to gain but its bugging the hell out of me. Yesterday I ate some eggs, cabbage/green onions, two oranges at different times, an avocado vegetarian burrito, some corn, and noodles and a turkey polish sausage. To the haters, how dare I eat anything? Her food amounts aren't good and the quality of the food is abysmal.

Amberlynn does eat bad food, no doubt of that. She's one that needs to realize processed food is crap. Maybe in her case she would normalize down to the midsizes alone if she gave up fast food and processed. They also put crap in it to make you hungrier and want more. There's too many empty carbs and french fries in her world. Eating mashed potatoes and mac and cheese at the same meal is a big no-no. Sometimes I think supersized people are the canaries in the coal mine, they more affected by all the bad low nutrition food. 

What is scary to me is there is more than one hate channel for AmberLynn Reid. I haven't finished adding them up but there were several. It's kind of scary. People call her names, a glutton etc. I don't agree with some of her choices either, but you can tell there is a lot of amniosity. Hopefully this isn't another case like Whitney Thore, where some bad behavior and ill treatment of others has brought out the hate too. 

It's weird alcoholics aren't hated as much as fat people "overeating" I find that an interesting thing. Maybe that's why there's more treatments for them. People don't like drunks either but I don't see websites where people call out alcoholics or even drug addicts like they do fat people and often the societal damage and harm to others is far higher with those who suffer from substance abuse disorders.

 Amberlynn Reid is on the weight loss failure merry-go around. Diet-binge, diet binge from what I can tell. Too much pleasure is invested in food. I hopped off the weight loss merry-go-round. I got tired, I never could stick to diets, they made me feel like shit, they always oddly skyrocketed the blood sugar. The last diet attempt where I tried to stick to 1600 a day, I couldn't do it.  I stopped dieting years ago which I'm sure has some people here in shock. She got turned down for weight loss surgery, I'm not sure what that is about, she probably failed the weight loss diet to qualify.  Maybe in her case, just trying to eat sanely, put herself on a food schedule and eat healthy food, could take her to midsized land without crazy diets. She would have to give up mukbanging. 

Fat hatred is increasing, one can tell. Fat acceptance kind of screwed over fat people with it's constant denials, about how weight affects health.  Some are disgusted and outraged with superfat people claiming there's no health problems from being obese as they struggle to get up a flight of stairs. This denial always bugged the hell out of me and in the very early years of this blog, I wrote about this writing endless articles against HAES, and more.  Things are getting worse for the obese. Ten years ago I remember thinking everyone's getting so fat, this isn't going to end well and it hasn't. Obesity treatment seems like Covid vaxxes, they don't really work but they push them on you anyway. Hopefully Amberlynn can find her way out of the fat thicket, only very few do. 

As I used to write about years ago, with people growing so fat, why doesn't anyone want to get to the root of the problem? While there was rare fat people in centuries past, no one felt driven to overeat. Some would say there wasn't enough food to overeat for most but obviously the food was a different quality. Covid seems so targeted towards the overweight, I have the phrase "fattened up for the slaughter" going through my mind. The worse thing for fat people is how you lose your humanity, all these people present themselves as faultless who comment on her eating as if they are all marathon running professionals with full bank accounts who practice sexual chastity and only eat boiled broccoli for their dinners. I doubt it. 

There is far more success treating the substance abusers then BED or obesity in general. Here's the difference: They are still seen as humans. 

Lied to on All Sides About Covid: Flowers in the Attic Life

                                            why are these monsters allowed to destroy our lives and world?

 I'm still confused. I tried to figure out what is going on with Covid to figure out some life decisions but I just keep hitting walls everywhere. It sucks, that anyone would be in this position. 

Everyone in my area has returned to normal life. This means no masks, no social isolation, normal activities, eating out and having lives. I told my husband, "It's been three years!, we can't keep living this Flowers in the Attic life!" The isolation has harmed me. I am too sick to be living a high life running around every second, but I would like to be with friends without wearing a stupid mask, or eat a meal out actually in a restaurant or go to a lecture/conference, and sit in a group of people without worrying about the Grim Reaper getting me. I have friends that believe Covid is a hoax, and while they have empathy for my health problems, one told me she felt bad that I lived under such seige and she told me, "I think if you returned to normal life you would be okay."

The decision is mine to make but I am "frozen", getting more upset because I don't have the right information to make a decision. I don't know anyone who has had Covid in months. I don't trust those lousy PCR plastic pregnancy strips.

My husband keeps asking me to wait, and we have gotten into some heavy discussions where I have said, "We can't abandon living fearing a respiratory disorder! I didn't cower and hide in the house with MRSA everywhere either!" He has no doubts Covid is real. I'm not sure why he's so certain. Yesterday I said, "Yeah people got sick form something early on, maybe they released SARs or something, seeding it to different places that got hit hard like NYC, but it's long over with!" Around 8 months ago, I said, "If I don't know anyone who dies or gets hospitalized soon, I'm returning to normal life!" Well that time has come, and still I am frozen.

Another friend shared this doctor's articles with me. She says he is the most measured and sane, and he seemed that way to me. In this case, this doctor believes the virus is real, he believes the same as I do about the vaxxes. He even called for treatments which I have said multiple times, that's the only thing which will stop this. He asks real questions too like this...

One of the most suspicious aspects of SARS-CoV-2 is how well suited it is to eliminate those who create the greatest economic burden on Western governments—the elderly, the obese and the diabetic. Given the enormous economic incentive to address these societal costs (many Western governments are on the verge of bankruptcy from these ballooning fiscal obligations to these demographics), it is entirely possible that a research program had been developed to explore developing biological weapons for that purpose, but we will likely never know why SARS-CoV-2 was created.

Nonetheless, there is a very clear documented history of years upon years of research to weaponize the SARS virus. For example, in the early days of COVID-19, I discovered this website which archived many of the studies I and many others online were unearthing on the deliberate engineering of SARS-CoV-2. Since then much more data has emerged (for instance, Igor Chudov recently provided a summary of the key points of evidence here and briefly in his comment here).

So I flip-flop,  and my belief it could be a real bioweapon has held my hand. meanwhile all my in real life social relationships are in trouble from my decisions to isolate so far.  My online friendships built and maintained online for years have remained fine, but in real life? There's not going to be any friends or community acquaintances and associations left if this goes on much longer. I feel like a jerk even asking the friends who believe Covid is a hoax to wear masks as we meet together in the library. They do it for me, one even says she knows why I am afraid given my lung problems. I said to husband, "Can we ditch the masks, this time?" but he say he wouldn't feel comfortable.  Sometimes I feel like the powers that be have ruined my mind too with all the germ fears. We haven't seen his best friend/my friend who visited us two years ago, and then went home and called us and said "I have Covid." but we never got it and figured out he got it later after meeting with us. I would like to visit with someone in my house and talk to them for some time without masks.

One thing I do not understand, and this is something I would add to the "Covid is a hoax" list on this article, is that these two friends who don't wear masks, and go everywhere and one goes to meetings, NEVER GOT COVID. If Covid was real, wouldn't they have gotten sick by now and they are both older so they are supposed to be higher risk. So much makes no sense to me, my head is spinning.

One guy on twitter told me concerning vaxx deaths, and my unease that my town seems much emptier to do some of my own sleuthing, see how many new graves are being dug in local cemetaries, try and get information. I guess kind of like Harriet the Spy. I tried so hard to figure out what is really going on with Covid only to hit brick wall after brick wall. I'm damn glad I never got the vaxxes, there's a lot of people who have regrets now. Some are claiming there's going to be a big reveal, but I don't know. I worry they will try to shovel mRNA down everyone's throat still even though it's obvious the shit doesn't even work beyond the harm it does. It's scary when they want to put it in other meds. How stupid do these people think people are?

I asked my old main doctor, "Can I return to normal life now?" He said, "Covid is just a cold now" but then he kept having to see me on telehealth because he had Covid and isn't my doctor anymore. He had both vaxx and virus, so I don't know which got to him or if both did. He was sick all the time and in the hospital. I asked other doctors, but they were non-commital. No one probably wants to be sued, they really didn't have any advice. Maybe the functional guy will help me. I hope so. None of my doctors ever pressured me for clot shots, they know I have so many problems. 

My life is being destroyed by this going on. I vaccilate between waiting, and pulling the plug and stating, "This shit is done, it's time to start living again" despite the dangers. The quality of my life has sunk to a low. There's no people in my life outside of my husband, online friends and the two friends I see in masks at the library about once every month to two months. I kept my weight stable at least, ballooning out from less activity was such a danger but my mental health and physical health are declining fast. I qualify for a disability program this summer, I fear Covid will ruin too unless I manage to cast off all the fears.

With my husband, I did learn to take more of his advice, and listen to his counsel. He was right about toxic friends, he warned me about people who were very bad for me. He warned me even about that local anti-Covid masks etc group I wanted to join because I feared Covid vaxx mandates, stating they were really a right wing astroturf group, and he turned out to be right. They brought the book-banning crap in only a few months later and openly politicized for Republican candidates. They are the ones who banned me from the online group for being in the UU church fearing "spies". I even had wrote one saying "I don't agree with this Covid crap", and that wasn't good enough. With Covid though, he keeps saying "Wait!" but how long can we wait? I told him the other day we aren't going to have any in real life social or community connections left. They have massively eroded. Most poor and working class people gave up long ago and had to live regular lives just because of the duties of their jobs. We were in more of a bubble than most because he worked from home. We go round and round, I drop the matter and then we slap on masks, go shopping and go on Zoom to a few things. I can't handle worrying about him getting it either, anyway.

I missed out on so much, that it pisses me off beyond belief. I did make use of the time and did more art, making the art show possible, and wrote poems, and was part of a Zoom autism group, and gardened, but I missed out on so many things in life like my art class, stamp groups, conversations with friends, going on day trips, and just having a life. 

I'm getting older too, losing still mobile time, Lipedema is progressive and I know the fate of older Lipedemics, maybe my Flexitouch machine and wrapping can hold off some of the worse. COPD also progresses too. 

We are all on our own, we can't trust the news now. They lied about the vaxxes, they tell us the heart attacks and strokes are from "climate change". Give me a freaking break. I see some bad stuff in front of me I can't ignore. People in Zoom groups keep getting weird illnesses, there's a few where it seems their immune system got wiped away. A few people I know seem to get a flu or other illness every few weeks. Immune systems ARE being affected either via virus, vaxx or both.

I know even hear only a few are talking openly about being sick, so what about the people not telling anyone anything?  Maybe I need to be a local sleuth like my own investigative reporter, and call up morticians and funeral directors and ask if anyone is still dying of Covid or not but that's even complicated as some have said people dying of other stuff have been diagnosed with Covid. I wanted to beak out of the liberal bubble I found myself in and go find some right wing people and down to earth types locally and find out what the real deal was from them. One farmer lady said a friend of hers did die from it last year, so that confused me. She agreed with me on the vaxxes. 

I believe most people shrugged their shoulders and said "Screw it!" and went back to life. No one talked about it, but the vaxxes all failed, and with booster levels at the level they are, you know only a few die hards are still lining up for the crap. Most are staying silent, because they saw how us unvaxxed were treated and don't want backlash for not lining up anymore.

I probably should do the same thing of returning back to life so 4 and 5 years aren't trashed instead of 3. Sadly I am a coward. It's too much medical trauma especially related to the lungs. I've struggled with OCD and a touch of germphobia all my life. It had me washing my hands constantly in my teens and 20s. 

 Some people have told me I am extraordinarily rare never to have Covid, I haven't had a cold in 3 years either, one benefit of so much social isolation I guess. When some write masks don't work, I have countered acted with how did I avoid a cold for three years?

My husband hasn't had it either.  This OCD by the way means I never have been around another human being without a KN95/N95 on in three years except my husband and the dentist with a surgical air cleaner running next to me. That's extreme isn't it? I still rinse with mouthwash, and take vit C and zinc everytime I go to any stores. I was in a Dollar Tree and hardware store yesterday so went through those rituals.  Remember I didn't have a family to have Thanksgiving dinner with. The majority threw off the masks to do family events I am guess from the early days. People with kids, there's no way they can live in a germ-free bubble either. Even to unload these expectations on people was insane.

I asked this question on Twitter....

I follow both types on Twitter. I'm just a lay person. While I have the IQ to read complex scientific articles, even there, it seems like a lot of gaslight and BS.  The hubris for their failing technologies is disgusting. The scientist world is amoral. To be frank, I am in shock that humanity hasn't torn down every virology lab there is at this point. The fact that people can destroy the world through viruses and nothing is done, tells me we have no rule of law now.  I am thankful for dissenting scientists and others with consciences.

I feel manipulated all over, and very few of us even know what is going on. This is why I say we are on our own now, we have to look at evidence in front of our own eyes to even know what is going on, because the news can't be trusted.  I still don't know anyone who has died of Covid, the only hospitalized person I know from Covid in the last 18 months, is an 85 year old man.

I have a lot that can kill me besides Covid, so there's the absurdity of screeching my life to a halt forever, for this one thing, so that troubles me too. I don't want a death-focused life, that's the most screwed up thing about all this, here I was trying to live despite all these bad health problems and having some success in doing so, and then the creeps that run this planet decided to vote for dystopia, totalitarianism and plague. I'm so pissed off I can't even put it in words. We really are on our own. I just want to know what the truth is. I'm not sure what to do. I'm stuck in a weird holding pattern. I'll see the functional doctor to get his advice on this matter and do some more sleuthing even to just KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.