11 questions to ask yourself before going no contact with a family member | Family | The Guardian
More Adults Are Cutting Off Family. Expert Reveals Surprising Consequences - Newsweek
Do you think in a society like this one, they are going to admit, the realities of narcissism when this society is run by malignant narcissists? Look at the Epstein Files! The Cluster Bs are the ones in charge of the insane asylum. ACONS who are the truth tellers aren't going to get a fair shake in a society full of lies. These mainstream press articles always have that Estranged Parent apologist Joshua Coleman being quoted in them with far more sympathy for the estranged parents. Are there a few innocent estranged parents? Sure, there are. He ignores everyone else though. He always blames the adult children and says they "expect" too much of their parents! Look at these quotes:
“One of the hardest psychological tasks is distinguishing between what someone should be and what they’re capable of being,” says Coleman. “Many adults understandably long for parents who can become emotionally attuned, validating or apologetic.
Why is it too much to expect someone you spent many years with in the same household to have basic validation for you? Is the bare minimum that someone is capable of apologizing or validating their child? Does this mean we are to accept complete invalidation? Many of his quotes have these double meanings. It always amounts to minimization and invalidation of ACONS who talk about abusive parents. It's also not a decent quality to be a human being who is completely incapable of apologies. I understand other generations having different qualities. Older people were taught not to share troubles especially among the Silent generation but there's always this underlying message in his words, that the parents could really do no better. They simply weren't capable. This takes any accountability out of the formula. They supposedly weren't to blame!
He repeats this message over and over. I have seen this guy in multiple articles, he is one of the pundits they interview the most about estrangement and he shows his bias for the parents all the time. He is definitely is not batting for the ACON team.
In the first Guardian article, they have another expert who repeats the same message, telling the adult kids they basically "expected too much" and that their parents were "not capable".
Phil Lane, a clinical social worker and psychotherapist who has been estranged from his father for eight years, adds that it’s “important to consider if the other person is willing and/or able to provide what you need. This is not to suggest that we should cut someone off if they don’t meet our expectations, but rather it can help us determine if our expectations are reasonable and if we, not the other person, need to adjust.”
I find these experts clueless in that they seem to deny even the extremes of abuse, and don't realize how far things went for those who went no contact. Many of us adjusted for decades when we still were low contact. At least this one has been no contact before, but I found it weird he concentrated on that idea that we shouldn't cut someone off if they don't meet our expectations. Why do they always question the expectations of the adult children and not those of the estranged parents? Notice it is always the adult children told to adjust and not the parents. They won't even do the middle ground message of telling BOTH to adjust.
Coleman does his usual dismissive stuff, claiming most families aren't harmful, implying that those who faced "real abuse" must be rarer than Hope Diamonds. See how this works? Tell the estranged adult children they were cruel to people they made too many demands of who simply weren't capable and then continue with the invalidation that most families aren't abusive implying that your family probably wasn't either.
Coleman says: “Most families are neither entirely loving nor entirely harmful.” Therefore, it’s useful to take a second look through adult eyes, which allows us to “understand pressures our parents were facing – mental illness, financial hardship, divorce, trauma, cultural expectations – that were invisible to us as children”. Crucially, though, Coleman adds: “Context doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour.”
What about the adult children's pressures? They have far more financial hardship by the demographics. They have trauma and other problems too. Why is all his concerns only for the parents? Obviously for those who go no contact, the concerns of their own children are invisible [or willfully refused to be acknowledged].
The first article isn't all bad, they have some comments about low contact, that are positive and have people ask if they feel safe. There's worth there, I just wish it was more balanced. The second article has a shocking statistic, that one out of four people are estranged from a family member. This does not surprise me as division in family is increasing. Sadly the Newsweek article quotes a psychologist that blames therapy culture or people going no contact:
Among them is Richard L. Blake, a psychology Ph.D. and author of new book Cut Off: How Therapy Culture Is Fueling the Parental Estrangement Epidemic, available from Amazon US.
Blake believes the conversation around family estrangement has shifted dramatically in recent years, particularly on social media, where posts about "toxic" family members, trauma and going "no contact" have become increasingly common.
“One of the main myths you hear is you need to cut off toxic family members to protect your mental health,” Blake told Newsweek.
This feels like the usual invalidation of ACONS. Many ACONS have talked about how no contact was necessary for their mental health and the extreme problems they encountered due to narcissistic and other abuse. Are there some cases where things could be worked out? Sure, there are, but why do they minimize what people have gone through? He seems to deny what people are talking about too. As I have written, my own experience was having the therapists stress reconciliation to the point I ended my first no contact to my own detriment. I'm older and don't know if things changed in therapy after I stopped going, but from my own experience I never encountered therapists that pushed no contact.
He obviously sees no contact as a negative. One thing I find odd about these psychologists, is they ignore the utter rejection that many ACONs had already faced, the "They left me before I left them" phenomenon. They just seem to ignore multiple basics. Why are they always playing defense for the toxic or abusive family members? One odd thing with these articles, is these psychologists make endless assumptions about family based on their own experiences. They even wrongly surmise that all the abusive parents are pining for their adult children's return. With many of these families, the scapegoat walks, and no one cares, they just find a replacement for them.
One thing I notice about articles like this is they'll throw in a line or two to cover the very abusive situations but the whole tone of the article is that the wayward "bad" grown up kids are the ones in the wrong and not being understanding or giving enough to their parents and other family members. This one got even more odd as this psychologist claims that mental illness wasn't affected by abusive parents. This too goes against endless messages from ACONs who have suffered from anxiety, depression and worse from abuse.
"What surprised me was that the assumption that parents are causing someone's mental illness doesn't seem to hold up particularly well when it's tested in people who actually go no contact," Blake said." I don't know what world this guy lives in to ignore endless situations where mental health is adversely affected directly. I'd love to sit down with this guy and tell him how narcissistic abuse affects severe anxiety disorders.
Blake goes on talking about how family is forever and other older tropes about family. Doesn't he realize family has changed? Family is not the same. Many who went no contact were already outcasts. I've talked about the changes in finances, distance and other social impacts in my "Demise of the American Family" articles.
Five Hundred Pound Peep: The Demise of the American Family: The World of Regretful Parents
Five Hundred Pound Peep: The Demise of the American Family 2: So Much Horrific Abuse!
Five Hundred Pound Peep: The Demise of the American Family 3: The Economic Chasm is Causing the Estrangement Too.
Five Hundred Pound Peep: The Demise of the American Family 4: Distance Was Part of It
The Newsweek article gives a caveat too, "Not everyone agrees with that assessment. Many therapists and mental health experts argue that estrangement can be a necessary response to abuse, neglect or ongoing harmful behavior." but why are they quoting all these psychologists and others who say otherwise and stress that "no contact" is a harmful or overreacting trend?
Why are they quoting psychologists that blame therapy culture? Where are the representatives being quoted who are supporting ACONS? It's not like they couldn't find one, there's multiple therapists online who warn about narcissistic abuse and who support ACONS. Why didn't they ask Rebecca C. Mandeville who wrote Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role for an interview?
Instead, we get these psychologists and other professionals who minimize the effects of abuse. I don't care if they interview innocent victims or talk about situations where there could be reconciliation, but they do true abuse victims and ACONS a disservice in these articles. Do you think mainstream press is biased about these things? I do. Hmm, maybe they fear the populace casting a jaundiced eye upon the Epstein Class and realizing how many in power act like their abusive parents.
Blake in this article too, talks about the extremely abusive situations, "People justifiably should be cut off," he said. "[Those] who are abusive, criminal or genuinely dangerous." but have they taken a look around lately? Do they know how bad things are getting? Why do they always stress those who have minor disagreements? From my own experience, no one goes no contact for years and years over minor tiffs. There many be disagreements and fights in normal families, but it works far different. Sometimes I find the mixed messages of these pro-estranged parents articles annoying to the max. They cover their butts to not tell the "Child Called It" level of abused people to go racing back to cruel parents but the whole article tone is minimization of what multiple people are going through. How many of us were told "It's not that bad, your mother loves you!" That's the tone of these interviews.
There's an obtuseness with these articles. They don't understand how narcissistic personality disorder works, they make the assumption that the parents are all "reasonable" people who want to work things out and who "care". "When people feel heard and understood, even when you disagree with their interpretation of events, that's often where healing begins," he said. Doesn't he understand, we are talking with most who go no contact, there's been decades of not being heard or understood? He also doesn't realize that the truly toxic simply do not care.
We deserve better than these biased articles. I get tired of the "we are so reasonable, you can work it out crowd" who have no idea what ACONS have been dealing with. They seem to understand nothing about narcissistic abuse and ignore the endless societal changes that have led to family estrangement too.
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