The diary posts were interesting to me, I am analyzing a lot of life since the deconversion. I'm putting my whole life into a context.
My Old Diaries 1989-1990
My Old Diaries- 2002
I am trying to figure out ways to form a new path. This is a period in life, where I am focused on forging a new path, with some hope of where it may lead.
I am older now, and there is this feeling of not a lot of time left but I want to use it the best I can. I have told myself despite the class and health issues, finding some happiness can be possible. In the last months outside of the illnesses, I feel overall, I have had some major depression lift. We are talking years of depression finally easing up. I didn't even know this was possible.
My endeavor now is to fill my life with things that give me meaning and happiness. I have succeeded on some counts with the new UU fellowship and new plans regarding art.
My no contact is finally producing positive results. The earlier years can be harder but wait things out. Don't give up. Since the religious deconversion, I have become a far happier person, it's like thrown a load off my back that weighed me down for a very long time. The god of fundamentalist Christianity was a tyrant making me miserable beyond belief. I have been able to enjoy music, nature, and other people far more.
I'm 4 and half years in with main narcs--June 28th will be the 5 year freedom day there, 1 and half with the entire family. I was the scapegoat to the max. It's bittersweet you get deeper in, and it changes your life. I changed. I am no longer the same person. When I told myself I could be who I am and no longer had to blame myself for everything it created a shift. It allowed the door open for not only the physical escape but the emotional escape.
It even changed my religion. I am happier back in the Unitarian Universalist church and leaving fundie Christianity. That has been like slicing chains off my wrists. I now warn others about the prison of fundamentalist Christianity elsewhere.
I am happier that now I don't have to stress about bad relationships anymore. I don't have to impress anyone anymore. I had literal decades of severe panic attacks lifted, now if I get one it's rare and a medical cause like physical breathing problems. Even dumping all the friends, I have felt relief, I know this sounds crazy, but I had a lot of people around me who were putting me down. The ones who were more subtle about it were doing enough harm that it was something that needed cleaned from my life. When I dumped the ex-millionaire friend and she didn't fight for the friendship or anything, and went to go smear me immediately, I knew I should have ended things decades before.
It can be lonely with the clean slate. It's scary but you have both positive anticipation for reforming yourself and finding a different way of being and different kinds of people be with. You think about what kind of people you want to connect with, and realize you want people who are loving, and who care about justice. You meet more kind people online, and realize the difference.
You feel like you are out there with everyone wiped away but there is happiness that comes from not being around assholes who put you down overtly or covertly anymore. You can think. The air clears. The fog is gone. A lot of energy is being reserved for yourself. I became done with trying to earn anyone's love or notice.
I don't have to worry about being told I am too fat, or lazy or a loser. I am astounded with the shit I even put up with one other bad friend I got rid of. I would rather be alone then having bossy mean people around me.
My husband told me he is relieved no more trips and social stresses with the narcissistic family too. One day we were both kicking back and I said, "Well look we don't have to worry about that shit anymore, having to get money together for trips for a bunch of people who won't even talk to us, who just brag to each other." He said he is relieved too. Oddly this whole thing, led me to simplify life in other ways to make it easier and better.
It's hard though because you do see people who have happy families. It wasn't until I was no contact until I realized what I lost out on. You imagine what life would have been with decent people in it. There's holes standing where the family you should have had should have been.
I noticed funny things like people had friends who hugged them, who cried when they cried and who loved them. [I have some good friends online, I kept and others who are deceased who were not narcs] but it's funny, I started noticing right treatment more. I noticed people who had families who looked out for them, where everything was not about a competition and cutting each other down. I saw people who were truly connected and loved each other. I fortunately did end up in a marriage, where we have love and connection but here's one thing too when I kicked all the damn narcissists to the curbs, our marriage grew better and even closer and stronger. One thing every narcissist had in common in my life from the ex-millionaire to my mother was putting down my husband. They had no respect for our marriage and I am glad to be gone from that too.
We had struggles who doesn't from financial pressures years ago but I knew I had at least one loving person in my corner and these other people never were. It's scary even several years in you will notice things, like how the family was sneering at you in photos while you stand there smiling and even bad friends you ended up with far too many years trained to take bad treatment.
You can find more happiness, and in my case, I walked from so many people, it was over 35-40 people near the end.
I don't know what the future holds, but honestly life is a lot better without abusive assholes in it. Get rid of everyone who puts you down. I am serious about this. They don't help you and only sabotage you, cut them off. Criticize you all the time?, Cut them off. Think they are better then you? Walk. Live your life for yourself and people who truly love you. Even if I am down to one person and few others, I am glad I have him. It's worth it.
Funnily enough, the first image that popped into my head, once I re-read this entry, is the scene from Pirate Radio, where the doughty bureaucrat trying to shut down the illegal radio stations is celebrating Christmas with his family -- and allows them one blow of their Christmas crackers, before he says, "Right, that's enough excitement for one day," and quickly confiscates them from his family.
ReplyDeleteA lot of the encounters we had with your folks reminded me of that scene, in an odd way. So I'm glad you're done trying to rationalize their behavior anymore, because it honestly isn't worth all the mental energy that it takes out of you.
I had the same feeling watching something last night on the infamous mother-son murdering grifter duo, Sante and Kenny Kimmes -- at the end, her other son, who didn't fall into her orbit, laments that he's probably going to spend the rest of his life trying to figure out why his murderous relations turned out so bad (as in, convicted of two murders, and fingered in three more). He says, "I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find the answer, and I don't think I'll ever get it."
I'm thinking, if I'd been the detective questioning him, I'd have gently advised him: "Sir, it's best to move on with your life. There's no psychoanalyzing a psychopath." --Mr. Peep
LOL I remember that cracker scene too Mr. Peep, yeah, I don't have to try and make sense of insane behavior or bend and twist to it anymore, now I simply don't have to deal with it.
DeleteKimmes--the innocent sibling, is right, he will never figure it out. Trying to understand sociopaths as I understand so well is impossible, there really is no psychoanalyzing a psychopath". It's just so much better to be gone and I don't have to worry about it anymore. I am glad we have walked, we gave them far too many years. We have each other and that's what counts.
I agree going NC for a long time changes you. The same thing happened to me over the years that in my seventh year, society was used to see me as independent from my adopted narc mother.
ReplyDeleteGoing NC with the main malignant, sadistic narc usually mean we would go NC with other narcs and narcissistic organizations such as fundamentalist Christian churches, racist and classist Tea Partiers and Republicans, abusive professors and supervisors, or anybody who see our sufferings as their muses or pleasures to study or analyze. Over the years, I had to cut off some "close friends" because these people acted like my adopted narc mother or parrotted things she said.
Not having to worry about what a narc God said or demand of us is a significant relief. I remember feeling relieved when I read Donald Sloat's "The Dangers of Growing Up in a Christian Home" in the late 1990s. It changed my perspective on God and gave me a chance to adjust a year before my church made some change after a conflict occurred between a liberal pastor and a fundamentalist Christian. After 422 people saw a shouting match between the pastor and a fundamentalist church leader, many people stopped attending that church. Several months later, I came to see my pastor because I wanted to complain about that church leader's wife. I told the pastor that I stopped attending church because the wife told me that God would punish me for wanting marriage and family. She coldly told me, "God knows your heart and God knows that you rejected Jesus Christ." I hung up crying. I had problems with leaders and some members of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship because they said the same things even though some were already married. I thought God was abusive and told pastor I did not like an abusive God. (cont.)
To my surprise, the pastor was supportive! I thought he would tell me that I would go to hell. Instead, he revealed to me that he had problems with that woman's husband and that they left our church a month earlier. I was surprised when he invited me to come to meetings coming up regarding conflicts in our church. He warned me to marry a man who is on the same page in our faith and who is less judgemental when he learns about my family problems, financial circumstances, and my faith. He gave me examples of conflicts between Christians who do not have similar approaches to faith in God. My experiences with people in Intervarsity was an example of conflicts between Christians because we did not share similar approaches to God and our faith. My pastor warned me to find an organization that fits my needs the best and Intervarsity was not for me, as it was too conservative for me. I felt better after I talked to my pastor.
ReplyDeleteFor the rest of that year, I went to meetings, talked to other church members, and we all learned from each other. The membership of the church went down to 20 people, and the pastor was forced to resign after conflict resolution mediators received complaints from some members. Some people complained about church administration, pastor's history of recruiting new members by visiting residents who lived nearby the church, and pastor's record-keeping methods. Several people like fundamentalist Christianity so they joined fundamentalist couple in a church they joined after they got kicked out. Several people complained about a layperson who acted as an assistant pastor. I did not have problems with these issues. The pastor was upset when he learned that people turned their backs on them because he thought he helped them. He made his last sermon upset because people complained about him even though many complained about the couple.
I had problems with the church's pressure to give more money than I could afford although they explained to me that they meant to pressure those who made at least $40,000 per year ($61,005.86 in 2017) and who had extra money after they paid all of their bills. The church is sadly closed today, and the pastor eventually became an assistant pastor before he retired. I was sad to see a good pastor go down and the church closed.
I read about the Grifters, Sante and Kenny Kimes, years ago. Sante was a narc mother and a con woman who belonged in Vegas. Her oldest son, Kent Walker, was lucky to find a mother figure and had a good father to turn to whenever he had problems with his mother. The younger son, Kenny Kimes, was not that lucky because his father, Ken Kimes, was too weak. Sante died four years ago, and Kenny is alone in prison today.
Yes going NC for a long time changes you. It's changed me. It's put into more perspective all the BS I put up with and I am deprogramming myself from the false codes they put in me or applied to me.
DeleteI am glad in your seventh year you were seen as independent. I don't talk to people about my family who I meet now, they simply don't exist, and that's the way I'll have it. I am old enough for people to believe that my family is deceased. With the possible adoption or other funny business, they weren't my real family anyway.
Yes going NC with our main narcs and sociopaths means walking from all of them and removing them from our lives. I no longer have an Army person minimizing my health problems or bragging about her career nor a millionaire putting me down all the time because I didn't hit the inheritance Lotto. With those two as well, if someone ENJOYS your suffering, that's where it's time to run from those drilling a hole in your boat.
We will find ourselves changing even in who we choose to hang out with or who we want to deal with. I am cautious now of extreme career climbers, rigid people who focus on looks, and other things in people I do not like. I agree this applies to the very organizations, groups and other professionals we do not want to deal with. I know my deconversion is tied to me going no contact, the lack of empathy in my family that I walked away from was no longer tolerable in the IFB church that lacked empathy and defended oppressors. We do not want to be projects or people who see us as objects of comparison where they can elevate themselves because we may be lower socioeconomically or have other troubles, where they claim superiority over us.
DeleteYes I removed anyone in my life who reminded me of my mother and other people in my family. I realize now I even was dealing with subtle put downs, in other words, someone doesn't have to be hitting you or cussing you out, narcissistic abuse can be more insidious then that.
With some of the ex-friends, some repeated things my mother said. One thing they would abuse me over my husband's gig employment and tell me it was my fault he would not get a "real job" ignoring the realities of the job market, my health problems, his health problems--even disability in 2009 called him moderately disabled even if they deemed him still able to do sit-down work, and our needs--him as my caretaker. One thing I noticed, is they didn't want me happy, I realize now the pressures put on me to be as miserable as they were, even with their money. I agree going NC for a long time changes you. The same thing happened to me over the years that in my seventh year, society was used to see me as independent from my adopted narc mother.
I am done with a tyrant narcissitic god too. In my case I am no longer a Christian, but I know there are liberal Christians and others who seek after a loving god and honor the loving and moral teachings of Jesus. Fundamentalism teaches a god of no empathy, compassion or love, it is about authoritarianism and control. I read Sloat's book too some time ago, and he is a Christian who at least is against fundamentalist religion, spiritual abuse and other cruelties, I am glad that book helped you.
I have had thoughts that if there is a God or higher power who made billions of galaxies, he would not operate like the petty tyrant some human beings have illustrated God as being.
I got tired of judgmental abusive humans and tired of a judgmental abusive god that nothing was ever good enough for. Free myself of the burden of both has brought me more happiness. I know my deconversion is definitely related to my going no contact from narcissists. Narcissists and sociopaths often do use religion for control, from my abusive "deliverance" minister, to Queen Spider shouting at me I was "wicked" and a "heathen". That minister's wife wanted to make you suffer and she wanted to make herself feel superior to you because she was married and you were not. I learned sadly in fundamentalist Christianity status and looks was everything. They make idols even of their own families and ability to breed like the Duggars. I had to be done with all organizations, religious or otherwise that were narcissistic in attribute. It sounds like your past church hit an impasse between those who wanted to go to a more liberal place and others that wanted to turn it fundamentalist.
I am glad that pastor was supportive. Narcissists have destroyed entire churches. Maybe the pastor got tired of all the infighting and went on to another career.
DeleteHe sounded like a nice guy and I am glad he gave you support and good advice. Sadly many pastors who are kind people and not manipulative types can find themselves drummed out. Intervarsity is a very conservative evangelical group. The IFB considered them too "ecumenical" but outside that one trait, they weren't far from the IFB's beliefs.
I ran into Intervarsity people at mainstream evangelical church conferences and bible studies, most of them seemed to be more middle class to upper middle class, predominantly white--well frm what I saw and extremely conservative--in the Republican/Tea Party kind of politics.
It does sounds like the church failed. I was in a church for 6 or so years. one of my IFBs that later failed after I moved. If a pastor is not liked or there is a breach in belief, where half the church wants to go conservative and the other liberal, then churches can split.
High pressure to give money is not a good thing, I am glad you are away from that now.
Really inspiring. It's taken death and dementia to make my NC complete and lasting. Your strength is really admirable. I found it's taken a long time for the other haters in my life to fall away - I keep thinking I've ditched them all and then I realize there are still more left. And I found that the poison left behind by the family is still leaching out. But finding myself able to enjoy more and more is really encouraging. I'm really really happy for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks anon, I appreciate it. Yes cleaning the slate can take a long time, it did me. I think we all will take time in the recovery and escaping the poison. I am glad you are able to enjoy more and I wish you all the happiness too. :)
Delete"I became done with trying to earn anyone's love or notice."
ReplyDeleteI love this quote from you. I feel maybe halfway there. I was raised by a nice but aloof father and a mother who I believe had borderline personality disorder. I see myself, back then, as a wide-eyed very naive child which made me a target of bullies (including my brother). With mom it was always complicated and entangled with guilt for her hardships (and anger at my dad for seemingly causing them, partly true and not true).
In the past ten years (after divorce) I have slowly lost friends (some I cut off and some moved and some went with my ex); it's not so easy finding close friends at a certain age. Although I do have deep friendships, people just don't communicate.
Anyway, NC. My niece (out of 3 plus one nephew) has done that to me and her sister (who lives with me; their mother has died and their father more recently). I'm wondering about mental health issues with her. I've struggled with this but have decided to let her go (after recently trying to get her address through her manipulative now-husband, whom I think is a narcissist). I don't have the energy. Really, lately, I'm just feeling very triggered (surprising to me; I've done so much therapy etc.) by my childhood; both my familial and school/social issues. I am sick with autoimmune illness and so it does feel as though time is of the essence. And yet my illness restricts me and I am without a partner (very little support). Not the life I expected or wanted. So while I am very happy that you are feeling the heavy veil lift, I also wish I was there. But for some reason it seems deep trauma stuff is coming up!
Anyway, I am happy for you. I appreciate your insight and it's nice to hear from Mr. Peep!
Hi Patricia, thanks regarding my quote, I am glad you feel like you are on the same road. Yeah BPD would be a lot to deal with too.
ReplyDeleteWith your Dad, probably there were some enabler issues, the anger would be understandable, and sadly being young, and naive, BPD from a parent can be very damaging.
Yes it is hard to lose friends, divorce definitely seems like it would automatically lead to some friendships ending. It is hard to find friends at a certain age, that is true. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible, and communication does seem a lot harder, especially in person.
Sounds like you have dealt with same things I have, addresses and phone numbers were kept from me too.
The whole long distance of everything makes it harder too. I relate to when you say time is of essence too, I had those thoughts as well given my own physical problems and realized none of them cared long ago.
Yes dealing with a restrictive illness and without support is very hard. I hope things get better for you. I guess some of us do end up with lives we never expected. With time things do get better with this, it took many years for me, I still can have my moments, but make sure to give yourself time. thanks regarding Mr. peep's posts, I was glad to see his comments too here.