Monday, March 26, 2018

My Old Diaries--1989-1990

This is going to be a two-parter with the first diary from 1989 first and then the second from 2002.
I was cleaning out my closet and found these old diaries. I did destroy some of my old journals, and ripped out pages that were worthwhile, that folder is buried somewhere, I haven't found it yet. My diaries were so hard to read, I kind of threw them away, because I would get sick, if I even took a glance at them. Let's just say they were rather triggering. I do regret that now. However maybe if I had them I could put more into context. Don't throw your old journals away! 

In those old journals, my depression and anxiety is so extreme. However a few survived the purge. 

There's another box with the removed pages from my old journals somewhere in my boxes of papers. I have tons of writings in my closet, remember I tried to publish a book about being fat in the 1990s after my severe weight gain. If I find that I may do third post.

This first one is from 1989, and what is interesting about that one is I had my first deconversion, a couple years earlier, and it was full of free-thought stuff and writing about religion and my participation in the Unitarian Universalist church. Since I have gone full circle and gone back, reading that one has been entertaining.

My understanding at this age is far deeper, with my sojourn into fundamentalist Christianity, but the same seeking thoughts are still there today at near 50.  In 1989-1990, I am in college, and still having to live at home between semesters. I graduated in 1990 with my art education degree. I did manage to keep this diary hidden from narcissistic snoopers.

You can tell I am a UU:

"Go to a place where questions are more profound then the answers"

[I like that saying now]
A sad poem:

Pitiful Existence
Vain is Resistance
Destiny Controlled
Sad are the Bold

I guess that sums up life with narcissistic parents. This short poem sums up life with them too:

Passive People Controlled
by the God of Conformity
We, the different
apply our protestations
against the emotionless

Hmm, that sums up some of what I was dealing with. Uber Catholics can be just as bad as Quiverful fundies in the religious oppression games. It's funny I see the god of fundamentalist and evangelical Christianity today, definitely as the god of conformity. The emotionless were the cold fish, my life was full of.

Living with those who care not for me wishing to discourage me at every turn
Why must I live with those who hate me or treat me like an inferior being
incapable and incompetent

This sums up life with narcissistic parents too. One thing with my latest no contact doings is removing everyone from my life who saw me as inferior, that was the foundation alone in ending some bad friendships.
I am home from college and sum some stuff up:

This uneasing boredeom
with a life once full now a life empty full of boredom
living with the dull, wishing the hours away to return
to a full life once again.

I was an intellectual young person. I put in quotes from Joseph Campbell, the Bhagavad-Gita, TS Eliot, "The Wasteland", Robert Ingersoll, The-The lyrics, Mission-Sisters of Mercy goth band lyrics, Unitarian Universalist quotes which I find refreshing now and quotes about art like this one:

"Art is much less important than life but what a poor life without it."--Robert Motherwell
The car accident where the truck runs me over, appears. Of course I got yelled at for the truck smooshing the 20 year old family car when three newer cars were in the garage.  I think I realized then, they were disappointed it wasn't me and just the car. I was working too many jobs trying to get money that summer before senior year.

It was a shitty summer, I was lonely and ran up huge phone bills, the only time I had fun or did anything was when I saw my college friends or visited them. I crashed my car and almost got killed by a truck, I was tired, damn tired of everything.
One thing that can happen to ACONs is this feeling of belonging no where in life. I can't even say this emotion is fully gone, the other day I was talking to my husband about how when I meet or even know people they move away or are gone, even if I stay living in the same place. Outside of him, it seems my connections with others is all fleeting. I have to admit one thing I have struggled with in life and I believe this comes from no secure family or love foundation when young, is this feeling of not belonging. It definitely shows in this diary. ACONs are definitely homeless in every meaning of the word.

I wonder fleetingly at the edges of other's lives
People come and go while
I restlessly wander aimlessly
No place to call home
No place to be
Fighting to sustain friendships
Separated by time, distance, money
Starting to say goodbye involuntarily
to the friends I have and see everyday today
I am so tired of the homeless life.

When I saw this entry, this one floored me. I thought, I KNEW, even then what they were doing to me, but I didn't have the answers to know what to DO about it until my 40s and my no contact of 2013.

[Family's Last Name]
I am the black sheep of the family
The [last name] are Catholic
I'm Unitarian Universalist
The [last name]'s yell to solve problems
I see no point in this
The [last name] use me as a scapegoat
and don't accept differences in people.

I was treated like a far younger person in my household:
Mother says to me, "you have to go Mass or you are moving out tonight". 
I was threatened with constant homelessness after the age of 18, and having what help I did get with college rescinded. I wish I had taken her up on the offer, but I was not prepared for adult survival and was clueless at the time. 

My first no contact would come in 1991-1992. I disappeared where they didn't know where I was. You can see I am already preparing. I would have to live at home for a year, and I saved money to escape. I write on the page before this poem, "Why can't I have my fucking last semester" as during student teaching I was forced to move home. The dorms would not allow me to live on campus while student teaching. I notice in this poem with some alarm, that my sub-conscience was warning me, that they were a danger to my life, and they were. I would get very sick very soon during this time.
Be where I want to be

Let me be where I am
and stay where I live
Don't pull me away into your choking hold
stifling me , my creativity
You are the source of my problems
not me, without you I am free
No more of your demands, your guilt, your criticism
I shall leave, this is not a family
but a group of people forced to live here
But let me go, for my life I fear.

I didn't do well when college ended. College and art had been a life-line to me. The joy of my art classes is hard to describe, that is happiness I still find now. This was written when I was forced to live at home. I was having problems finding that first job to escape. I would with some time get my juvenile home art teaching job which served as an avenue out. I used to tell my husband, that one reason I did not give in to the despair, is I had this feeling that I would find some love and someone out there was waiting for me. I would not find him until 1994 but I had the feeling I would not be alone forever, and had to not give up. One can see the repression and emotional disaster in living with narcissists here.

How did I end up this way?
Trapped in loneliness, rejection poverty
Seeing no future
the end of an era, the end of times so actively found
no reward for hard work
my sorrow overfills an ocean 
as I beat against these walls
looking for a soulmate
someone to trust
having and fearing separation 
not by choice
between those I hold dear
and those I may meet
Am I trapped forever
in this life of desperation
smile on the outside
black on the inside
I feel inadequate as of late
morsels of support
I've learned the world does not care
conform, be nice, smile
but to speak up, don't you dare.
We [I meant the narcissists here] take that what we want
as we pull here and fro
Fit our picture
Depression is not a part or allowed
Loneliness is not a part or allowed
They tell me I am a failure for having those things.

I added this quote below.  at the time, I was being discouraged at every step, told I never could be a teacher, I look back and am astounded at my ability to press on irregardless. My student teaching was even actively sabotaged, but I did get the degree I worked hard for.

"The man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything."

One thing, is I developed more forgiveness for myself in reading this diary, realizing what I was up against, the severe health problems and more, and it helped put things into more context. I am a young Aspie totally unprepared for life but pressing on. This journal oddly served as a life line-as I sought freedom in religious thought during my recent deconversion from fundamentalist Christianity.


  1. You know, the ironic thing, hearing from you, is how much they tried to make me the issue -- even it's not like they gave a shit, they still apparently wanted to exercise some measure of control. Thank God we didn't allow that to happen.

    But there is no one, and I mean -- no one -- on this earth who can say that I cheated them out of their share of any spoils that I had to offer. As you know, money has never been a big imperative for me -- as long as I have enough for pop and snacks, plus gas in the car and seed money for the next project, I'm fine. I'm always amazed to see how so many folks yoke themselves to mega-mansions and endless commutes, and never-ending schedules, and for what? I've never seen much happiness there, that's for damn sure.

    And, funnily enough, it's not like that uber-Catholic sheen made them nicer people, or took the brittle edge off them -- the predominant emotions that I remember them expressing were anger, impatience or scorn. Remember how I told you, "These people say 'c@unt' more than I ever do, or will'"!*

    Watching them flaunt their rampant material appetities also made me cringe -- hey, look, I got this space-age SUV, or, this shiny, gleaming CD rack that lights your cigarette for you, and wipes your bum -- which was one reason I always hated making all those trips.

    Ah, well, I did buy my coffee table edition of THE WHO CONCERT FILE on one of those outings, so I suppose it wasn't all wasted time. If it hadn't been for those brief trips to buy stacks of magazines, I don't know how else I would have got through the experience.

    So it's good to see getting a bit of the spring back in your bird bounce -- now, think about how you can use it as a springboard for more positive things. Whatever you do, you'll feel a bit farther ahead of the game than they are.

    A far cry, certainly, from the standard assumptions of Western culture -- that you've gotta be massive, or you're a bum. I think this would amuse many punk and garage bands, who usually released only a single or two -- or sometimes, it's one song on a compilation that sold the stereotypical 50 or 100 copies -- and yet, collectors pay insane prices for them, and still talk about them.

    One example should suffice: The Chob, a combo from (of all places) Albuquerque, NM -- that's right, Breaking Badville -- who released one 45 in 1967 ("We're Pretty Quick"). Only 200 to 300 copies were made, and it's only been placed on a compilation once -- otherwise, you want a mint condition copy, be prepared to shell out plenty. Folks have paid $435 (at the bottom end), to $2,000 and $4,200 (at the top end).

    The moral of the story? There's many different shades of success, or, as our friend Jimmy Reed so colorfully put it: "Two Ways To Skin A Cat." --Mr. Peep

    *Note for the women in the house: Whenever I used the c- word, it was in the Brit slang sense, since it can refer to a stupid, clueless man or of many charming little expressions I picked up on my first visit across the pond, so long ago. But hearing how Peep's parents/relations talked made me pack away that little epithet...for quite a long while. C'est la'vie. It was what it was.

  2. Yes they tried to make you the issue, it sucked. Remember when I told you what she was filling my head with right after your job lay-offs. I think about that now. They were against us as a couple very early on. Narcissists don't want people to be happy. They hate love when they see it. I know I have apologized before, but I wish I had gotten away even earlier to even protect you from their nonsense.

    I am glad we didn't allow it to happen. The weirdness of treating me like they want nothing to do with me but just enough contact back then to keep track of me and for control was creepy.

    You've lived a straight forward life, never harming anyone like they have. Everything was about money, I know the double message that I must be 6 figure successful married to their constant sabotage of things that made that more possible--like me wanting to do more extra-curriculars in high school and disallowing activities for growth--like me wanting to join the Young Jaycees in early high school was all messed up. I had the recent memory come back to my mind where I wanted to join the Y in early high school and being told NO, what would that have done for my health? Then by sophomore year I was worked like a drudge at all the restaurants.

    Their materialism got to me too. I didn't see happiness with the giant houses, and house work, yard work, projects and showing off, just complete and utter misery. I know if I ever had gotten money it wouldn't have been used that way. You wanted a more simple life too, like me.

    One thing I remember and paid for too, is how they were constantly busy, and there was never any time for fun, hobbies or relaxation. Everything that made life meaningful they stripped away, and I knew when I got older, I was going to try to grab on to some of those things. One thing even given our health and other problems, we do have a lot more FUN together then many of the overscheduled and programmed people. When you worked very long hours, we made time for this too.


    1. Yeah the Catholicism I think for them, was just a cover, to appear like they were "religious" and "good" people but here they never explored their own religion or it's facets beyond the superficial. Narcissists have a very shallow emotional list and I only remember anger, impatient, scorn and at times gleeful mocking.
      Yes they used the C word a lot and lots of other cusswords. The one who used the C word the most had the worse view and treatment of women going, like a Donald Trump on steroids. Age maybe has slowed him down some to spare the women outside of his girlfriend who is 21 years younger then him.
      What makes me sick, is they knew our economic situation, and they would still flaunt all their money, I don't miss my brother sending me videos and pictures of all his new cars, computers, furniture and mountains of Christmas presents. My mother threw her money in my face constantly too bragging of her shopping, trips, and more. So yeah this was part of their abuse, I haven't even written about here except the materialism in general, but how they would flaunt it in all our faces. I even remember in that email, about the house being sold, how she made sure to make a very lengthy list of all the things she wasted money on for years.

      " A small garage full of outdoor furniture, tools, lawn ornaments, lawn equipment, birdhouses, ladders, automotive tools, woodworking tools, and the list goes on and on."

      I have noted my self esteem is higher not having rich people throw their money in my face and the results of their shopping exploits 24-7. I remember the dumb things they would spend money on too, it was never anything that accrued worth.

      I hated those trips too. I certainly don't miss having to dig up the gas money and more that we didn't always have at the Queen's command, since no one never came our direction. The Barnes and Nobles a mile from her house, is definitely what made it tolerable. LOL

      LOL regarding the bird bounce, yes I want to do more positive things and am thinking about adding to life and what are things we can do and enjoy. We definitely have had ideas for more projects haven't we. I was glad when you told me you wanted to use one of my poems for one of our zines. :)
      I never wanted their type of life and glad I am away from it now. I think both of us have grown happier since my no contact, with the pressures lifted. All they ever did was tell us [both] we were not good enough for them.

      I agree about the Western culture thing, too where only the stars count, and everything is a competition and conformity factor. They bought into all this crap, the thing that bothered me long long ago. There was no thinking about arts, ideas or meaning in life.
      Yes there's many shades of success, and success for some people means something entirely different.

  3. >Yes they used the C word a lot and lots of other cusswords. The one who used the C word the most had the worse view and treatment of women going, like a Donald Trump on steroids. Age maybe has slowed him down some to spare the women outside of his girlfriend who is 21 years younger then him.<

    I hope so. I have to say, the first thought when I heard him go off like that was, "Mr. Goodbar, you ain't."

    >I even remember in that email, about the house being sold, how she made sure to make a very lengthy list of all the things she wasted money on for years.<

    Do you still have it? I imagine you do, but I wouldn't mind having a look. It would only confirm what I already know, I suppose, but there's nothing like have suspicions confirmed in black and white, is there?

    >I remember the dumb things they would spend money on too, it was never anything that accrued worth.<

    It's not just family members who catch that particular virus. I remember watching people gathering in the parking lot (at one of my crap media jobs) -- I asked what all the fuss was about. Turned out, my boss at the time had gone on some weird antique shopping trip, and she wanted everybody to see her latest acquisition -- which turned out to be an original Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

    Yes, you read it right: a Wienermobile. I remember silently gritting my teeth, and thinking, "So this is why you keep our wages so supernaturally low -- so that you bastards can amuse yourselves like this." One more thing I don't miss about that world.

    >LOL regarding the bird bounce, yes I want to do more positive things and am thinking about adding to life and what are things we can do and enjoy. We definitely have had ideas for more projects haven't we. I was glad when you told me you wanted to use one of my poems for one of our zines. :)<

    Thanks: I've had it in my brain for quite awhile, just hadn't actually gotten round to telling you about it. But I want to make that an ongoing deal, so think about some future selections down the road.

    Trust me, I don't think we'll ever run out of projects to do, or for that matter, things to do together. That's the essence of a great relationship, isn't it? Look forward to seeing more of the bird bounce. --Love, Mr. Peep

    1. LOL about Mr. Goodbar...he wishes...
      I still have the email buried in the archives somewhere. The lists are long in it, I will forward you a copy. She is bragging it in how much she has and how much she's passing out but I am sure her upper middle class friends didn't need any of it. Yes it would confirm suspicions.
      That's sick someone had enough money to buy a Weiner mobile when they denied the lot of you living wages. I still remember when you had an economic lay off at one place, the two new giant cars in the parking lot, the bosses got. Cars that together probably were worth as much as some houses.
      Yeah I would be pissed too. She didn't have to worry about medical bills, or buying a new bed, or clothes, or even maintaining a car but she had tens of thousands for a Weiner mobile.
      Sounds good. Yes we have plenty of projects to do. :) You know I can always think of stuff to do, wish bodies kept up with my mind. :p Love Peep