Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Life Recently

1. I caught a "cold/flu/severe respiratory infection, three times in the last two-three months. Some of these illnesses lasted 2-3 weeks. Obviously I am a bit worried. I have to get tested, I've basically been sick on and off since December 15th. I'm not sure what is going wrong? What's wrong with my immune system? I got bronchitis on the first bout and took antibiotics, but the second two, I got over it and then they merged together.

My husband gave me all three colds/flus/illnesses from hell. He suffered badly too. This was a really bad cold and flu season this year. When he came home with the third one, I even discussed one of us leaving, but where does a person go to escape an illness they don't want? Then you wonder if the other person will need your help and you don't want to leave them! Do you run away from cold germs and race to the homeless shelter when one isn't homeless? It's winter.  I discussed us wearing masks, but they are harder to breathe with and I already have to keep hearing aids from popping out, and hold on to the walker, so that's too much to keep track of. Wearing latex gloves makes me sound like a weirdo. I plan to discuss this with my doctor. My fatigue is still a major problem. Tomorrow I have to get a kidney scan and hope there is no big kidney stone in there.

My diabetes has been kind of messed up since these illnesses. I had 131 this morning but had some blood sugars in the 140s, 150s and even hit a 160 once or twice. Hopefully it will come back down.

2. I got to tour gyms with husband, he was doing something work related. I found myself wondering what could I have done with this body if I could go on a treadmill and be able to breathe? Thin people's bodies work so differently.  All you thin people, don't take that stuff for granted. If you can get up on one of those treadmills, you are fortunate! I still think something more is wrong with Whitney Thore as she gets sicker and more messed up trying to exercise instead of more fit and stronger. She screamed about her feet hurting at this one 8K walk and they looked like they had bloated up to me.

Going into the Y, I got tired because it is so big. That was ironic. They gave us a free day pass. Well that may be good, I plan to use it to go lift weights. The gym nearest my house I could afford the bus to get to, is too expensive at this point but I am trying to figure things out still. One thing the gym people were nice. It was a place more young people were hanging out. I forget the reason I see mostly older people is because everyone is at work or the gym.

I have to get weighed in a week and half. My Flexitouch still fits and my underwear still fits the same, so I guess I am okay. I worry when illness makes me sedentary. One irony of being in bed, is I do debloat, and get wrinkly in places, and I can walk "lighter". Some of the Lipedema pain is lifted. I'm coughing my head off, but there's less pain except the aches of the flu to deal with.

3. I still miss Q. Losing a friend even online is hard.

4. I worry I am bad at giving advice. Modern life is far too complex. I have to remember I can't figure out every puzzle and quit doing it. Comforting people comes natural to others. I would never call myself an empath as some ACON's do because I often lack the right words to say. With the Aspergers that's one of the things that sucks about it, like this feeling of always failing people. "Oh I said the wrong thing..." [AGAIN]

5. I've gotten shyer with age. I need to deal with some appearance issues, and get a new hairdo and new clothes, but I keep spending the money on "practical things"  and just ending up running out of money. I was buying better food, but this was from fears of the illness and diabetes. Well a person can only do what they can. I did finally get my carpet cleaned. I was happy about that! The apt had a brief moment of appearing near normal since we just got it painted last year and the carpet was cleaned. I may hire these people to clean grout on the bathtub.

6. The social life needs work. I still plan to work on it. One doesn't want to get caught in people pleasing or anything like that of course. The reality of disability is only so many spoons, and even a day totally inside, it seems I have enough to do. One weird thing occurred to me, "Why did I remain friends with people who had no respect for me for so long? Even homeless people befriend other homeless people they respect. Us recovering ACONs got too used to no respect. That's one to add to the rule list, "don't stay or be friends with anyone who looks down on you".

7. Cheeto is still president. Please vote at Midterms. Save us. I missed some protesting via weather and illness but plan to go back. We did have a small Woman's March here. I can't march but joined up with them at the end point.  I get tired of the media telling us how great the economy is. I'm not seeing it around here. They are opening Dollar Stores on the "rich side" of town while great sections are shuttered. I plan to take "ruin porn" photos this spring for the heck of it. Today watching Washington Journal on C-SPAN it was scary, they had all these pro-Trump people calling in.

8. I joined a UU fellowship. They treat us pretty well and it's an interactive place, I like that. The minister has good sermons and the services are very multi-media and full of poetry and art too. They seem to have a respect for my husband I find refreshing unlike the other church experiences. He's no longer the "lost soul" and me the "pitiful unequally yoked wife". It's funny I got some good memories back of my earlier UU years. I had missed the intellectual freedom. I know my environment of living in that extremely rural town trying to seek after some idealized life after escaping the horrors of Chicago, did influence me greatly. I guess I'm getting a look at life, kind of going full circle. I've been happy being there, and enjoy the discussion and intellectual stimulation.

9. I got bifocal glasses, my husband had an extra writing project and the money was finally there, I had to get cheaper ones from the "free" clinic for 200 bucks instead of a mainstream Optical place wanting 550 bucks but they look good.  I may try and get some online ones later too as a back up. I didn't realize how bad my vision had gotten, now I can read signs, and I can see bark on trees. I wonder if it will help my art. It was great to be able to see and not squint.

10. I'm working on the zines, reprints of articles and ones to add. Also painting an unusual painting of war protesters but hoping it will turn out.

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