picture by me
The diary posts were interesting to me, I am analyzing a lot of life since the deconversion. I'm putting my whole life into a context.
My Old Diaries 1989-1990
My Old Diaries- 2002
I am trying to figure out ways to form a new path. This is a period in life, where I am focused on forging a new path, with some hope of where it may lead.
I am older now, and there is this feeling of not a lot of time left but I want to use it the best I can. I have told myself despite the class and health issues, finding some happiness can be possible. In the last months outside of the illnesses, I feel overall, I have had some major depression lift. We are talking years of depression finally easing up. I didn't even know this was possible.
My endeavor now is to fill my life with things that give me meaning and happiness. I have succeeded on some counts with the new UU fellowship and new plans regarding art.
My no contact is finally producing positive results. The earlier years can be harder but wait things out. Don't give up. Since the religious deconversion, I have become a far happier person, it's like thrown a load off my back that weighed me down for a very long time. The god of fundamentalist Christianity was a tyrant making me miserable beyond belief. I have been able to enjoy music, nature, and other people far more.
I'm 4 and half years in with main narcs--June 28th will be the 5 year freedom day there, 1 and half with the entire family. I was the scapegoat to the max. It's bittersweet you get deeper in, and it changes your life. I changed. I am no longer the same person. When I told myself I could be who I am and no longer had to blame myself for everything it created a shift. It allowed the door open for not only the physical escape but the emotional escape.
It even changed my religion. I am happier back in the Unitarian Universalist church and leaving fundie Christianity. That has been like slicing chains off my wrists. I now warn others about the prison of fundamentalist Christianity elsewhere.
I am happier that now I don't have to stress about bad relationships anymore. I don't have to impress anyone anymore. I had literal decades of severe panic attacks lifted, now if I get one it's rare and a medical cause like physical breathing problems. Even dumping all the friends, I have felt relief, I know this sounds crazy, but I had a lot of people around me who were putting me down. The ones who were more subtle about it were doing enough harm that it was something that needed cleaned from my life. When I dumped the ex-millionaire friend and she didn't fight for the friendship or anything, and went to go smear me immediately, I knew I should have ended things decades before.
It can be lonely with the clean slate. It's scary but you have both positive anticipation for reforming yourself and finding a different way of being and different kinds of people be with. You think about what kind of people you want to connect with, and realize you want people who are loving, and who care about justice. You meet more kind people online, and realize the difference.
You feel like you are out there with everyone wiped away but there is happiness that comes from not being around assholes who put you down overtly or covertly anymore. You can think. The air clears. The fog is gone. A lot of energy is being reserved for yourself. I became done with trying to earn anyone's love or notice.
I don't have to worry about being told I am too fat, or lazy or a loser. I am astounded with the shit I even put up with one other bad friend I got rid of. I would rather be alone then having bossy mean people around me.
My husband told me he is relieved no more trips and social stresses with the narcissistic family too. One day we were both kicking back and I said, "Well look we don't have to worry about that shit anymore, having to get money together for trips for a bunch of people who won't even talk to us, who just brag to each other." He said he is relieved too. Oddly this whole thing, led me to simplify life in other ways to make it easier and better.
It's hard though because you do see people who have happy families. It wasn't until I was no contact until I realized what I lost out on. You imagine what life would have been with decent people in it. There's holes standing where the family you should have had should have been.
I noticed funny things like people had friends who hugged them, who cried when they cried and who loved them. [I have some good friends online, I kept and others who are deceased who were not narcs] but it's funny, I started noticing right treatment more. I noticed people who had families who looked out for them, where everything was not about a competition and cutting each other down. I saw people who were truly connected and loved each other. I fortunately did end up in a marriage, where we have love and connection but here's one thing too when I kicked all the damn narcissists to the curbs, our marriage grew better and even closer and stronger. One thing every narcissist had in common in my life from the ex-millionaire to my mother was putting down my husband. They had no respect for our marriage and I am glad to be gone from that too.
We had struggles who doesn't from financial pressures years ago but I knew I had at least one loving person in my corner and these other people never were. It's scary even several years in you will notice things, like how the family was sneering at you in photos while you stand there smiling and even bad friends you ended up with far too many years trained to take bad treatment.
You can find more happiness, and in my case, I walked from so many people, it was over 35-40 people near the end.
I don't know what the future holds, but honestly life is a lot better without abusive assholes in it. Get rid of everyone who puts you down. I am serious about this. They don't help you and only sabotage you, cut them off. Criticize you all the time?, Cut them off. Think they are better then you? Walk. Live your life for yourself and people who truly love you. Even if I am down to one person and few others, I am glad I have him. It's worth it.