Monday, March 26, 2018

My Old Diaries-2002

                                                                                      2002, I have lost down to 450lbs from near 700

 This is going to be a two-parter with the first diary from 1989 first and then the second from 2002.
I was cleaning out my closet and found these old diaries. I did destroy some of my old journals, and ripped out pages that were worthwhile, that folder is buried somewhere, I haven't found it yet. If I do maybe I will do a third post them.

My diaries were so hard to read, I kind of threw them away, because I would get sick, if I even took a glance at them. Let's just say they were rather triggering. I do regret that now. However maybe if I had them I could put more into context. Don't throw your old journals away!

My Old Diaries: 1989

This second diary is one is from 2002 and what is interesting about that one, is this is two years after I have escaped from Chicago. I had just lost a bunch of weight from medical treatment going down from near 700lbs to 450lbs.

 At the time, I thought I would keep losing and would "get better" but it did not happen. I would be down to 460lbs even as late as 2013, but I have unable to get my weight down more. My weight 6 months ago was 513. I weighed 526 this week. I had been up and about a lot. My husband thinks it was water weight, because while it warmed up, I was out more days but obviously the never ending battle to not gain remains. Keep in mind I can fluctuate 30lbs within a week which always freaked the hell out of the Weight Watchers people and they would tell me, "Please go see a doctor."  They gave me a year to shrink my present kidney stone at the kidney doctor.  I was 530lbs last year.

 If my weight doesn't go down from FINALLY joining a gym next week, I will know I am screwed. There's a point a person can only do what they can. I picked the day to join when I get paid and finally figured out one I CAN AFFORD. Yes I am scared. I hope I don't die of breathing problems and that I will fit on the equipment but I talked my husband into it, and figured out a place where two poor people can afford it. Finances delayed this far longer then I wanted it too. I hope to turn this into a new hobby so there is some eager anticipation too.

In 2002, it was two and half years after I had escaped Chicago to our very old small rural town. I was diagnosed with PCOS the year earlier, and my sleep apnea was finally treated about 18 months before this, which definitely helped with the weight loss too. I converted to be a born again fundamentalist Christian in 2002, and was totally in love with my new rural community with it's nature, peace and quiet, and friendly people. I had these odd ideas about finding a "proper" life and trying to "fix" everything.

This diary is full of a lot of religious writing and tons of prayers. This includes a lot of bible prophecy. 9-11 impacted me way too much and even today I think we are paying for some of the manipulative hysteria and fear.  It was interesting to read from that perspective, all those prayers were never answered but I mean well. Trauma took me into fundamentalist Christianity. I know it did. I wanted a God to care and with all the severe health problems I was a drowning person grasping at what I could grab. I had the idea too that if I became a good person and a nice Christian, people would love and accept me as well.

"God has blessed me with a sweet and kind husband"

"I read "The Merciful God of Prophecy about the end times."

I wish [friend's name] could know the real Jesus" 

"I need to replace my old nature with the Holy Spirit's new nature"

"I have too many sinful thoughts"

My husband is still sweet and kind, but there's some religious cringe here, though I understand my mindset at the time in it all.

I still have major health problems even with the weight loss, there's a lot of desperate prayers to God in here about breathing and a lot of problems related to it. I literally struggled just to breathe so many years. My anxiety because my lungs are so bad, is very high.

"Please God don't let me go mad from asthma"

COPD medicine a few years ago really changed my life, even comparative to that many years ago. I was housebound too by then, and still am but I did escape the constant breathing problems and asthma/COPD/bronchial spasms. I still have troubles breathing now but back then it was totally undertreated.

This journal is full of a lot of love stuff, technically we are still newlyweds, and trips and positive things too like a trip to my husband's college town with his best friend. The love stuff still applies. LOL

Even as I deconvert now, I understand WHY people become Christians, I get it. I was there, it was filling me with bliss, hope and eagerness, later the guilt, shame, disappointment and crash of reality would happen but back then the religion was bringing me new happiness and hope! I had survived. My husband and I had escaped the ghetto and extreme poverty, and he then was a newspaper reporter! We could have a great life, no we weren't rich, but we could find happiness. It was time to heal from trauma, and find a good life. I saw the lives of other happy small town Christians and wanted to be like them. It wasn't to happen but I understand what appealed to me even now.  It is strange to explain how this time was both very happy and had it's hardships too all at the same time.

 I had been low contact with the family since around the mid 1990s but around 2002, via my religious conversion to fundamentalist Christianity, was on this kick to "love" and "forgive" and seek to rebuild ties. Many ACONs make the mistake of thinking if they "fix" their lives, or overcome severe problems like an obesity problem, or unemployment etc, that it will change their family's hard hearts and they will be seen in a new light. Don't make that mistake. If you go no contact as a poor 20 something living in a rented room, don't think your new family, career or suburban house will changed their minds or their ways either. I thought since my husband had his newspaper career revived, he was a newspaper reporter in the early 1990s before we were in Chicago, and he had a book deal, and I seemed to be getting my health together, with a 250lb plus weight loss, that my relationship with them would improve.

I had this idea that my family would change their minds about us as we became more economically stable and I escaped severe uber-obesity. ACONS never make that mistake. If you hit the Lotto or you suddenly have your career zoom to heights, don't expect things to change.

However even as I tried to make this all happen, and I did things like visit my sister and her household for a week in 2003 and made a cartoon comic book for nieces and nephews and had my husband take me for trips to my mother's family out of state, about 120 miles south of where we lived back then, I still had a lot of moments of trepidation that show in this diary.

With this one, I had my severe infection in 2001, that brought in severe hearing loss, and I had become severely hearing impaired:

Thanksgiving went well but [my brother's then wife] freaked out. I think she's going to end up divorcing my brother. [They did end up divorced a few years later] I feel sorry for the baby.  Poor kid.  My mother seemed mad at me. My mother would keep ignoring me and I got lost in conversations and no one seemed to care. I got mad and said, you all do realize I can't hear but they didn't seem to care. I am going to talk about my sister about this. [she didn't care either] 

They were mortified to watch my brother's wife go on her spaz fits cussing everyone out. My brother is always apologizing for her and did so on this last go around. The condemnation is always there.

His ex wife probably had reason to cuss,  she was majorly scapegoated by my mother, but sadly she included me in the cussing out and there was no hope in any alliance. She had already smeared me to her. When I went no contact, I wanted to talk to her again and tell her I was sorry for not sticking up for her more but too much damage had been done. My mother made sure of no alliance happening there.

My family freaks me out, always has. My mother seems to forget I am in the room when others are about, even when no kids are there. I think I bore her and she looks at hearing impairment as being idiocy and retardation. When I say, "What?" she gets annoyed. I can feel her thoughts inside she's thinking, "She's so stupid."

My brother said weird stuff to me when we were alone and told me don't you dare tell my kids about any bad stuff about mom or dad being abusive when they are older. His baby isn't even a year old yet.  I said "what about when they are 21 and we are sharing deeper personal stuff?" He said, "Not even then, keep your mouth shut, and don't cause trouble."

I talked to my brother about his wife and said, our mother treats her badly, that's why she is so upset and cussing the entire family out, but he got mad and threw 12 year old stuff in my face. I think my family really doesn't know me at all.  They still think I am crazy and can't see beyond the weight.

I ran into this at [Aunt Denial's] house--she got mad at me and annoyed at something I said, and brought up in front of everyone how I would deny the family and how I would say I was adopted as a kid and I would get so weird. She embarrassed me in front of everyone. 

I should pray for all these people.

Extreme Christianity can set one up to be a doormat, and tells you to try and reconcile and forgive people there is no hope of it with. One freeing thing for me lately that has elevated a lot of depression for me, is realizing I don't have to be a doormat to anyone anymore. I don't have to do it for any God nor do I have to live with this idea of constantly being subservient to people or trying to get them to like me.  If someone treats me bad, the me of today just gets away from them.

Praying for these folks was a waste of time.  I do note how they treated my deafness, that worsened in the years after 2002, where no one cared if I ever heard and had the negative effect of adding to my voicelessness. Later I would get hearing aids.

I gave myself some bad advice in this journal. ACONS can make that mistake of trying to shoehorn themselves into conformity thinking it will bring better treatment. It won't. In 2002, I had learned about my Aspergers. If you ever get advice like this from a therapist, or anywhere else like a church being told more repression or silence or conformity will fix things, run like hell!

Why can't I be more normal. It's like a constant fight in my head. Is it the Aspergers nature? Try and get along with people.

* Make sure you are nice
*Try not to talk about yourself too much
* Hide more emotions, try and have normal emotional reactions. I screwed this up today but we all make mistakes
* Act Normal

This is all bad advice. Acting nice, actually is a way to get more abused!  Sadly my IFB church was filling my head with this advice. Counselors were admitting I was severely abused and diagnosing me with PTSD but since I lived in a very rural Christian area, most were Christians, and telling me the path to wholeness laid in reconcilation, they couldn't have been more wrong.

The trauma at the time too shows in the diary, I would have troubles with the violence in Chicago for YEARS. The me of today doesn't anymore, but this was some serious stuff.

 I know I have written about this before but my anxiety disorders were very severe. I have had major recovery when it comes to anxiety disorders since my no contact. If that was on gift I was given, from it, that definitely was it. Not being able to breathe physically can still elicit panic, but I am free from constant emotional panic attacks. I have theories too about how fundamentalist Christianity is tied to extreme fear. In that world, people are kept afraid, and focused on God solving their problems instead of being able to turn to others or self empowerment. Trauma can really take people into extreme religion.

Why am I always scared and worried

I think fear alone is messing up some of my hormones
Its oh no all the time and worrying about this
This is not an easy way to live. It's aged me
I find the entire world to be frightening
I wish I had no emotions
Having to hide this fear and anxiety all the time is never easy
I've known for years health problems or not
a creeping terror in my bones is not normal
and yes I'm saying a creeping terror.

I don't feel afraid like this anymore and that took many years to come. I do believe that severe narcissistic abuse is tied to extreme anxiety disorders. Oh, when I removed the last of the narcissists from my life, the anxiety abated even more. It was a step by step process. For many ACONs, you will realize your environment does impact your mental well-being, and when you fix whose around you, it will bring solutions to some long standing problems.

It's good to be free of stress even from simple phone calls:

I called my mother today big mistake because she threatened to quit calling me
because I was not home for two phone calls. She said, "I called on Saturday and you were not there."
I replied I had more to do then just sit around waiting for the phone all day. Her insane pursuit of the "perfect house" continues. My family drives me crazy. My brother hasn't called recently at all. My sister ignores me too. I truly connect with none of them--I even understand I have tried but their values and outlook on life are polar opposites. There is no communication.

Here's a snippet, that seems to point to Aspie problems.

Through the glass wall, I watch them all
I am glad the rain is back, the sun hurts my eyes

This one says something regarding this older article about how narcissists keep secrets:

My mother yelled at me, "You can't keep a secret!" This made me laugh inside. Myself is a secret to you. You have never known me. You knew your Longenberger baskets and objects of desire more then your own daughter. At best it was all mundane politeness with some feigned duty thrown but not much relationship. You said to me, "Sometimes you just keep things to yourself" Too bad this included every feeling, every motion, every introspective thought for 35 years.


  1. Wow, a lot going on here -- where do I even begin? Well, as horrible as all the trauma that we went through turned out to be, with your health struggles, and the financial issues, and constant run-ins with a-holes -- remember, the important thing is that YOU SURVIVED. I know it's not a picnic to look back, but at least, somewhere, deep down inside, you found the strength to endure, and that is a blessing. Now that you've turned the page -- you can use it as the foundation for whatever you want to do. I think you have a lot more to do, and to offer the world, and I look forward to seeing it happen. And I'm glad I was there, to help you through it all, because I was there -- so I lived it all, too. So I have my share of flashbacks, as well, but not necesarily the thousand yard stare, at least. :-) --Mr. Peep

    1. yes we survived Mr. Peep. :) Thanks for saying I have a lot more to do and to offer the world, that's where I am at now, asking what can I do even with all these health problems in going forward. Well you know I have plans there. Yes you were there by my side, and it was your love too just so you know, that helped me escape. You were the soulmate I was looking for in that one poem. :) Love Peep

    2. Glad to hear it, Peeps. You have a lot of stuff to do yet, I feel -- I've always felt that way. As you know, I'm not in the habit of saying what I don't actually believe (boy, that separates me from a lot of folks right there -- oops, I digress). But I'm glad that I can play a part in that ever-continuing growth story that is Mrs. Peep! --Mr. Peep

    3. Thanks Mr. Peep. Yes I do have a lot stuff to do and you too! <3 Love, Peep. :) :)

  2. Hey peep, I can definitely see the lipydemia on your lower right leg in the picture. You do not look 450 lbs though! Are you really tall? You look maybe 250 or so but pictures aren't accurate sometimes.

    I'm so excited that you've joined a gym! WOW! You will LOVE it. Start slow and small. Find great songs or podcasts to listen to and start walking (treadmill) or pedalling (stationery bike). You can do this!
    The endorphins alone will make you feel amazing. They last after doing 20 min. of cardio for hours afterwards!

    I wish you much luck and hope you'll blog your progress.

    1. Yes I am definitely 450lbs at that time.People always tell me I look smaller then I really weigh. Someone online recognized me out in public once, and told everyone at this group I was lying about being 500lbs but I really am. Some say that fluid weighs more then fat and Lipedema people will weigh "heavier" because of it. I am joining the gym this Tuesday and taking husband too. Yes I plan to start slow. I want to do some weights as well. With the breathing, I have to go slow but I figure it will do my husband good too. Thanks :) I talked to people at gyms who said even people in very bad shape could benefit.

  3. I'm hoping you'll be pleasantly surprised by how friendly other gym members are. I was nervous as hell the first time I went but there was zero need to be.
    Can't wait to hear how it goes!

    1. Yes they were friendly even when I toured, I am glad to hear they were friendly to you too. :) Thanks.

  4. I'm sorry to hear that you went through a period of trying to please God and so-called Christians. Because you were new to Christianity at that time, you displayed the kind of mentality typical of new born-again Christians. Fundamentalist Christianity has a way to attract those who are lowly and downtrodden in society. In your case, it was your health and fears of punishment and abandonment. Your malignant narc parents rejected you, and your siblings betrayed you. You were lucky that you were not single and poor at that time. I know many single women usually fall for fundamentalism and then become disillusioned when they do not find a husband or a boyfriend that could give them hope.

    Narcs love seeing people torturing themselves mentally to please a narc God because these people are their new supplies. Narcs usually do not please a narc God because they think they are invincible and strong. They do not get upset when bad things happen to them or did not get their prayers answered. For years, I tried to figure out why these people appeared to lie to themselves and acted like they are detached emotionally and mentally. I used to think these people were disconnected because they were wealthy or upper middle class. However, not everyone in the upper class is narcs or emotionally detached.

    Fundamentalist Christian churches, groups and organizations are great places for malignant narcs to find their future spouses. I've seen religious narcs finding their spouses in Christian college groups like Intervarsity and Campus Crusade for Christ.

    I wonder if you had good experiences with people who convinced you to embrace fundamentalist Christianity. Were they kind to you? Are you still friends with these people? Or did they turn their backs on you after you became disillusioned with fundamentalism and choice to rejoin UU churches? I'm glad you found a church that is meeting your need socially and spiritually.

    Your journal is giving you a closure. I noticed you are talented in writing poems/poetry and want to suggest you make a zine of your poetry and your comics pictures throughout the book. I hope someday you will find a connection who will find you a publisher to make a book of your poems and drawing. Your poems and some entries in your old journals remind me of one of Henry David Thoreau's books I read for an English course at college. I forgot the name of his book, but hopefully, I will figure it out sooner than later. Well, good luck with your writing career and with your drawings! Have a great Easter weekend.

    1. Thanks, anon, yes I went through a time of trying to please God and Christians. it was not a world I really fit in.
      I agree fundamentalist Christian goes after the traumatized and downtrodden. I know my class issues and trauma pushed me to look for an 'escape in this world', but sadly it was more of a fantasy world that really didn't solve the inherent problems. Yes it was my health, the fears there, of dying young, I almost did. I talked on my deconversion boards how my Christian conversion came only weeks after I almost died in the hospital and went almost deaf. I guess I was ripe for the religious plucking. I was still trying with the family did until 2012--walked in 2013 at this time too but yes by then as you see in this journal, I was already rejected and massively ostracized. I had these feelings that God would put my life in order or I could overcome whatever I was doing "wrong" to have things go badly. The Christian "god" betrayed with that too.

      I had major fears of punishment. The only person I could trust was my husband. Even the "best friends" betrayed me long ago, it only even occurred to me that my one college friend was already worth a lot of money when I almost died in the ghetto of poverty. Not that I want someone to pay all my bills but those things stand out to me now. She never cared about me either just like the parents.
      2002, I had just escaped the Chicago ghetto in 1999, and life was looking up, I had hope about life, when I fell back into poverty in 2007/8, I never really recovered when I lost that community there and had that happen. I am glad we had those years though and ones that came later, I was very fortunate to make it through the late 90s and 2001.

      Yes I have know single women who fell for fundamentalism too and still were denied husbands and children. My fundie churches had very few single people in them, I think probably they left.

      Narc religion is for narcs, and a narc God who doesn't care, and who does nothing but demand with a long list of rules. this god seemed to hate me more then anything, I was suffering badly near the end, begging it not to allow me to be squished. I was promised a loving Father and got an indifferent narc. I figure at this point, the UUs can give me hope in messages saying go where the love is. I hope when I die I do not face some monster with his hell, all he does is make me cry, I don't like that fellow anymore. He reminded me of the narcs too. I feel for everyone trapped under the obligation of his demands where nothing is ever good enough.


    2. I got the feeling most who lasted in fundamentalist Christianity were family people where there were secure jobs and a secure life, not all were extremely wealthy, but they had at least a stable working class life where there was basic home ownership and close knit families. I oddly never met one other abuse victim in fundamentalist churches I was in though I know of some over coming substance abuse and a few traumas who came in for much shorter times. Most were "together" people whose lives all followed the script, there were no artists in the classic sense of an artist, maybe a few crafters, but that should have served as a warning for me.

      Oddly I came to Christianity knowing very few. The first church was nice to us and helped us out but I did't get close friends in any. I simply didn't fit in.This got worse later on. I have some on my FB still but I didn't come out of the closet in all places, and they aren't close enough friends to figure things out, or see the UU likes and understand. Outside a few people, I lost all online Christian "friends" who I said I was deconverting to.Some of my distancing with the Christian friends on FB came politically, they are all Trump supporters.

      Thanks for the kind words regarding my poems. I have written some song lyrics for my husband and he plans to put a poem in a zine. I may even write a short poem for this weekend. I did keep my poems in journals and have a big bag of poetry and drawings. I still hope to work on zine but health problems got in my way a lot. That is the rewrite zine with some new cartoons. I may rerun the zines for sale soon too. Thanks anon have a great weekend too.