Hypothyroidism

This is a good picture summing up the effects when it's untreated:

Dear Mr. Watterson:

I definitely have to see this! Calvin and Hobbes was one of my favorite comic strips of all time.

When Scapegoats are Ostracized By an Entire Family

[cite for all pictures-This Charming Charlie]

At every job I used to have pre-disability life, I always managed to find one friend or ally usually in the mix if I was there long enough and it wasn't a temp job. Every organization, club or church I have been a part of, I usually ended up with a couple of friends. And in my case, I don't just have pals though everyone has those but real friends I can talk about anything with.  Sure I'm shy to a few people but my social fortunes were far poorer among those I was related to.

Today I am asking how did I not end up with so few allies in my entire family? Inside there is a painful part, that says, "your whole family hated you and had little to do with you as possible, what's wrong with you?"

From the start, I was treated like an outsider. This was the scapegoating process in the narcissistic world. Sometimes it can be painful to hear people talk about their cousins, aunts, uncles, children, step-children, grand-nieces, and grandparents. I am now without one relative in my life. I never really had no family when it got right down to it.

My mother controls so many of them. Since I went no contact, not one has to tried and contact me except via her direction. No one wrote an email [they have it] and no one tried to write me via a social website.  Only two contacted me via her direction on the exact same day and wrote the words she wanted them to write. It was easy to tell.  Dry one-liners which in my sister's case screamed, "Mom told me to send this!" No whiff of any apologies or concern or anything else. No unscripted messages. It was kind of like dying ahead of time, and you walk into your own funeral or memorial service, and realizing not one relative has shown up. A big part of my going NC, was realizing impeding illness and possible shortage of time here on earth wasn't changing anything. Years ago I made too many excuses for relatives not showing up in hospitals when I was so sick except for my husband. 

Not one of the 16-23 people I walked away from, even though they know I have serious life threatening health conditions asked, "Are you all right?". I have gotten far more care from churches and organizations and clubs I have been a part of then my own supposed "family".

 Yes, they should be ashamed of themselves.  I spent too many years like Charlie here, until I found love via my husband and friends:

How does one function when their own family hated and rejected them? The worse thing my mother ever did to me  was taking other people away from me and destroying my relationships with them because they cared most about keeping her pleased and fearing her.  This happened via the result of smear campaigns, and forcing me into a role, I later rejected. My mother bonds with people by putting others down, and a smear campaign is when things are distorted and manipulated to get people to think badly of you.  The below experience as described by another ACON in her rejecting family,  got extreme for me by the way. Everything was about pleasing the queen while I was chopped liver,  some of the relatives would ask me questions like "Do you think your mother likes me"?

"I, for example, had an “over-active imagination” and while the phrase “drama queen” had yet to be invented, that was the gist of how NM painted me to the family. In a situation in which numerous motives might be at work, NM always selected the worst possible one for me, regardless of what was truly going on in my mind. Over a period of years a picture of me was formed in the minds of family members who rarely saw me and when they did, the reality of me was overshadowed by the picture in their minds.

 When NMs do this, it sets the stage for later predations. If everybody “knows” how bad you are, they have no empathy for you even though you are a small child. They feel bad for your poor mother and admire her courage and bravery in continuing to deal with you and even love you despite your awfulness. Cousins ignore, disdain and/or bully you. It becomes a habit to hate you, a habit to blame you, a habit that becomes entrenched and unquestioned after so many years, and it spreads from one family member to the next like a disease." [link]

 This sums things up. Everything revolved around her. Nothing she said about me was questioned. For me the bad way the family looked at me spread like a disease too. Some relatives would change on a dime once she had a visit with them or saw them more. There was one point I even said to  my siblings, "Can we Have our OWN relationships"? By the way this is not unknown in the narcissistic world, it is known that narcissistic mothers via triangulation and manipulative ways destroy relationships, especially between the chosen scapegoat and others. I think this happened in the extreme with me and it cost me the entire family.

When one thinks about mankind, I wonder if this is the microcosm of toxic families that shows the macrocosm of why in the world, so many sociopathic dictators rule who seek to destroy those who are good, or creative or have another voice or who stand for truth. In other words why do folks like Stalin and Hitler rule the roost, and get others do their evil bidding? If anything in this fallen world, the more evil a leader, the more control they seem to gain. This was true of my mother. Her power was complete.

 I don't know everything my mother told my other relatives about me, but whatever it was it was bad. One thing I did notice was the constant invalidation, that no matter what I did or said, it did not matter. Even if one family member agreed with me or backed me up even for the slightest second and that was rare, she seemed to always make sure that this would end no matter how petty of a matter it was. Any rebellion was quashed and any alliance with me, was to be thwarted.  I have heard her tell people directly, I was not important, and not worth the bother. Imagine people listening to this for years and years?

Before I went NC, I caught some of this stuff in action, she told my brother not to visit me last fall because it would be "too much trouble". I had not seen that brother in 4-5 years. He went to go visit her and followed her directions.  She told a cousin, I was silly and stupid to stand up for my personal beliefs, this was the family gathering where she actually emailed everyone a list of topics no one was allowed to discuss and he went along with her even though at first he had agreed with me. That was yet another betrayal. She has the money, presents and fancy dinners to give them, I do not.

One part of my going NC, was realizing I did not want to be the forever scapegoat, the person that mattered not, where my forever role among these people seemed to be "fat, poor, loser" and nothing else. By the way, they know about the endocrine disorders and the mild Aspergers, it made not one whit of difference. There was no give or take on the health problems and how I was finding travel far more difficult. I haven't even seen friends in my old town 150 miles away due to the limitations of funds and health now to make the trip. Sitting in a car with severe lymphedema is a different matter then the average person. Many were just flat out mean, including one uncle who on a social website, who would insult the poor knowing of my economic struggles.

It was sad to see the growing subservience over the years among the clan. If the Queen didn't like you, then others realized this, and to stay in her good graces they would avoid you, and at least not want to become close to you. This basically sums up, why I ended up where I did. She totally ruled the roost. One way she totally ruled, is she always came first when it came to visits or anything else. The light was shined on her, while I stood to the side in darkness.

Until I found ACON boards and read how this happens with these severe personality disorders, the malignant narcissists have the extreme talent to isolate the scapegoats,  for years I questioned how did this happen? I blamed myself for far too long. At least now I know.

It's scary how I tried so hard over so many years to work on relationships that were a dead end. Trying to write letters to this one aunt, only to be ignored. Sending one aunt a painting I did, and a box of  gifts only to have her throw it into the bottom of the closet and have it get water damaged. By the way she was the scapegoat of the last generation, and I will write about her soon too. She was no ally, she allowed herself to be crushed into nothing by these people and served as a warning.

Trying to call another who never called back. Inviting cousins and others to visit only to be ignored. Visiting people out of state even during years I was at extremely high weights and had breathing issues, timing those visits for non- housebound times, swelling up in the car for hundreds of miles {I was limited to trips that took one day to get there and back with some hours to visit} and never having anyone return the favor. No one calling, the immediate members of the family calling at the level of the bare minimum, the not being invited to weddings, and parties and other family events, or being set up not to show up with others like my sister refusing to share their plans, it all added up. I tried too hard too long. I got the feeling over the years, that duty and appearances were the only things keeping the head matriarch even bothering with me.

What is weird is how much I tried to approach them and tried to take an interest in them as people while they took none in me. I told them, I felt bad about how I lacked the money and finances to visit as much as I wanted--I did push myself body and otherwise to visit as much as I could. Part of this was even informing them, that I haven't even seen one of my favorite places on earth my old small town, in more then two years. I would invite them to visit, and I live in a place that is popular, with plenty to do.  For years when I lived in my remote rural town, I thought that was why no one visited, but really it was more, because when I moved to where I live now, I moved smack dab in the middle of my mother and sister who live 300-400 miles apart and off the highway they use, and that changed NOTHING as they visited each other for years and weeks at a time. My mother would drive thousands of miles to go out of state, hundreds to go visit others. She never misses a family event and is there for everyone to see which limited my role even more as a nobody within the family while she waged her smear campaigns against me. She considered me unimportant and the others at her direction jumped on the bandwagon.

I live 75 miles away and only saw her TWICE at my home in the last 6 years, once for an hour on my birthday when she happened to be on the way home from somewhere else, and for the 2 minute present drop off of last year. Yes, that told me what a low priority I had become among many other things.

The family was a clique and I was not in it. Most of them were 6 figures rich, I am not talking ordinary middle class types but ones who could afford a new car every two years, who owned second homes, who flew to China for business, who had massive weddings, that cost tens of thousands of dollars. Sadly though in my family, only what you DID matter not who you WERE, and all achievements were measured by the dollar signs, not by any other criteria. Volunteer work, community projects, artistic ventures did not count.

There is a divide now in the family between the upper middle class types and the few poor ones that remain. The upper class ones see themselves as extremely superior to the poor ones. They look down from mountain tops. The sad thing? Well most of the poor ones have accepted their place, I supposed they consider me uppity for not doing so and not worshipping them because of their greater money. If you do not become who they want and do not conform, you are called a loser and a failure. I grew up hearing very bad things said about cousins, aunts and uncles who did not acquire a certain income, "that one is a drunk, that one is lazy, that one is no good!" Ironically even some of the ones on their knees before the Queen were maligned all the time, but they never would believe that was happening when I told them!

One thing I read on many psychology websites, was that when Scapegoats "fight back" and are no longer willing receptacles of abuse, they are closed out. Around my 20s, I stood up against the overt abuse enough for this to begin happening. Imagine your mother is the leader of a clique and you're the rejected nerd girl, in the junior high school slam book. Thus was my life with my family. I wasn't getting invited to parties, talked to. None of the relatives ever shared any of their real selves with me, or got deeper then a cashier at a gas station. I hope and pray one day, I find out I am not really related to any of them but if I am, I lost the DNA Lotto on multiple levels.

Yes I had to give up and walk away. This scapegoat quit, and walked away from the doors slammed in her face and those who didn't even "see" her. I pray everyday that my nieces and nephews become different people who stand up for themselves and care about and love people the right way. I pray at least a few "rebel" against the family system and "come out of it". I am growing stronger since going NC, and realizing I am somebody to other people and to God. No more being a nobody to pedestrian people with no emotions who don't really care about anyone else but themselves.

Update: I went no contact with the entire family years ago. I included even cousins who "chose" her and were indoctrinated into her views and narrative. I realized as the years went on, I never really had a family in any way that the word is supposed to mean. All the nieces and nephews joined the family culture and became like them and never took interest. I did try to reach out to them as they became adults, but it was to no avail. I knew not having been able to establish connections when they were young though I attempted to, it was most likely a failed venture. 

Cases of Women Diagnosed with PCOS who got a Cushings Diagnosis Later

Cushing's syndrome in women with polycystic ovaries and hyperandrogenism

 

"How might polycystic ovarian syndrome and Cushing's syndrome be distinguished?

The menstrual cycle of individuals with PCOS is likely to have always tended towards irregularity (the amenorrhea in this case developed after years of a regular cycle).¹ The onset of PCOS is uncommon after the age of 30 years. Both PCOS and Cushing's syndrome are associated with obesity, an increased risk of hypertension and impaired glucose tolerance or secondary diabetes.^{4, 7, 9} Clinical and/or biochemical hyperandrogenism with menstrual infrequency is found commonly in women with Cushing's syndrome. In fact, there are data to suggest that menstrual irregularity is linked to the level of glucocorticoid excess rather than to androgen levels.⁷ Ovarian cysts are certainly not discriminatory; they are present in almost half of women with Cushing's syndrome.¹² It is also noteworthy that cysts, in isolation, do not predict the development of PCOS;¹³ furthermore, whereas imaging the ovaries can help to exclude a tumor, our experience would suggest that identifying cysts either laparoscopically or by ultrasound scanning can inappropriately curtail the search for alternative causes of clinical and/or biochemical hyperandrogenism.

Virilization in PCOS, characterized by a deepened voice or clitoromegaly, is highly unusual and more in keeping with an androgen-secreting tumor (none of the cases illustrated in Table 2 experienced virilization).⁷ Other clinical features lend support to the diagnosis of Cushing's syndrome, but these can be absent, especially in the early phases of cortisol excess.⁹ Biochemically, relative luteinizing hormone excess has been reported in patients with PCOS,¹⁴ whereas low gonadotropin levels might increase the suspicion of Cushing's syndrome (as in Case D in Table 1, who presented with primary amenorrhea).¹² None of these features is absolute, the overlap between syndromes is large and, thus, screening tests are needed to exclude Cushing's syndrome (Table 3).

I'm being tested for out and out Cushings now.

Remember this entry...

Pursuing an Out and Out Cushings Diagnosis?

They are doing a Urine Free Cortisol check. I took in the records [some even from years ago] where I was diagnosed with the high cortisols and told them how the doctors then considered me as having pseudo Cushings but severe PCOS too. The endocrinologist seemed very knowledgeable. I told him how I was unable to get a pituitary MRI. I think they are paying MORE attention now because of the insane kidney stones and I told them I literally got handfuls of these things. I had a high ACTH which is a marker for Cushings years ago. I hope they can get somewhere. I am getting so sick. So much fatigue I can't even explain it all to you. I'm in bed now by the way. I told him I have felt exhausted. If answers came after this many years it would be nice. He told me my parathyroid levels are normal now and does not see my low Vit D as a present parathyroid issues. My body is so tore up. They have ordered me lymphedema care at home and some occupational therapy too, it is getting harder for me to get tasks done, I am not sure if it's the fatigue, bad balance or what. I am not keeping up. Oh one thing he brought up, is wondering where all my severe lymphedema has come from. That puzzled him. Oh if only I could get more answers after all these years. I know I am not going to last long at this weight. My weight was 519, 5 days ago it was 513, three months ago 486. It always frightens me.

I know there are many women diagnosed with PCOS who find out it is actually Cushings, maybe a few have both.

Anyhow I hope they find the reason for the kidney stones. He did tell me genetic testing was very expensive. I am afraid of this weight and how much I am holding on. I just want the nightmare to be over after all these years.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/565417_3

Something Obvious

Anyone wonder about this too?

Liberal and Conservative? NEITHER!

Today on a social website, I had this friend of a friend who is a Neo-Marxist academic type, get very angry at me. I had put up another meme, that talked about the media controlling information and how there seems to be all these political boundaries imposed from on high. Well she didn't like that. So she started mocking me and I unfriended her. Hey I am not bothered by people disagreeing with me. Show me some new evidence and I will try and incorporate it. One of my friends doesn't know it but during one discussion, I told him I think global warming is a sham but he brought up a good point where I said yeah we should compare volcano output vs. human output because the scientists admit that volcanoes can issue in immediate climate change.  If you are one of those people who escapes the "matrix" or the lockbox of right and left, Demopulican, Republicrat, a lot of people aren't happy with you!

I mean what political party is there for a person who supports social security [some safety nets] and unions, but hates globalism, the police state, and endless wars? Toss in my religious beliefs as a born again Christian and well I don't fit anywhere. I'm against capital punishment but against gun control. LOL that one alone confuses people.  Even the libertarians are on the pro-globalist bandwagon with Gary Johnson as a supporter of NAFTA. A disabled libertarian is an oxymoron even if they are right on a few things.  Even the Constitution party has those extreme we want to implement the Handmaiden's Tail types [patriarchialists] who by the way go against the Bible in their desire for control. Green party? Well it's a bit on the liberal side. I am not going to fit in with my religious beliefs or my rejection of post modernism.

Hey being disabled, it's not like I can move to Idaho and join up with some preppers even if they are correct about our disappearing civil liberties. Neither of the two big parties care about NDAA. Being poor too, I'm not going to go sign up with the Tea Party while helping the bankers in getting people to sign up for their own demise on behalf of the elite.  When they scream about their disappearing taxes, those types want people like me [especially those big mooching fatties] to be thrown off the government "dole" and into the gutter. So what's a person to do? I wonder how many other Americans have realized that liberal and conservative barely mean anything anymore. I remember when liberals supported civil liberties and so did conservatives. The Occupy movement was right about a lot but ignored the fact government and big business work together.

It can be tough when you walk outside the "box" and look at it from the outside, and see what a mess it is. People don't like what you have to say especially if you're in a place where you manage to upset both sides.

Update 2019: I consider myself a liberal today, more on the very progressive side. Deconverting changed that but I had kept liberal values the whole way through which made for a lot of cognitive dissonance. In the USA, we have the sold out centrist party, with the extreme right party and both moved so far to the right, I am not even sure we have any true liberals out there outside of politics like Bernie and AOC, who I support. 

Update 2025: Both parties suck, and support the oligarchy. The "liberals" of today are now pro-war, pro-oligarchy, pro-oppression and bow before and lick the boots of Pfizer and megacorporations. The right wing wants to throw the poor and disabled in the gutter still. Nothing has changed. Everything since 2013 became far more authoritarian. I no longer support Bernie, he failed to speak out during the Democide. I no longer support AOC or any of her policies or agendas.