The Covid Isolation of an Ex-Scapegoat Aspie in Dystopian Times

 

The isolation of Covid19 is getting to me. If not for my husband I would have already gone mad, in a spiral of complete loneliness.  My life was isolated before, this has firebombed any idea of a social life or social connections. How many single people are ready to lose it, after a year of solitary confinement and just seeing blank masked faces at the grocery store? Many including me are not doing well because there's no one to talk to in person anymore and it feels like all the good things in life have been taken away. Fun's been cancelled. Line up for your card and food rations--hmmm maybe those days are coming.  I was struggling enough in 2019 when those two Lipedema friends died, and from going deaf, and this has just felt like too many losses.

Is anyone else questioning how Covid is being handled? I wore/wear the masks and followed all the "rules". I am now am upset over the possibility of an experimental vaccine being forced on people or being under vaccine passports. The more I researched the vaccine and it's health impacts, the more upset I got. While I got mad at right wingers, and regret a few things, most of the left's blind marching towards an experimental vaccine is freaking me the hell out. Safe vaccines are good to me. If it is safe, tested and true, great! I believe vaccines have saved millions of this lives. This type of vaccine still troubles me. 

Remember when investigative journalism still existed? I guess I am old enough. Those on the left better not make the mistake of silencing other voices. I went to go listen to a Dr. Tenpenny video, she explains how the mRNA vaccines work and the troubles with them. As I read studies, and literature from the companies themselves, she didn't say anything wrong about these vaccines.

To many liberals, she's just a "anti-vaxx" "nutter", but according to my research she didn't say anything wrong about the vaccines and in how they work. And that's what bugs me. Some of us who have no problem with vaccines--I got a flu shot and tetanus shot last year will be labeled "antivaxxer" crazies because we don't want to be guinea pigs.

 I did hours of amateur google "research", and just got more upset, it was enough to know there's problems here.  I went to Google and did "mRNA" studies, doing a search where I wiped out results from 2019 on to clear up the field and noticed the scientists were pointing out the risks of extreme immunological reactions even as late as 2018. If anyone is interested, I'll send you the links.  I want to know what is going on, and the dangers. My personal risks are not small.

I am facing something "new" too. Some weird labs are cropping up, and they are in shock I am still creating tons of kidney stones even while on a very strong medicine. I am being sent to a nephrologist. This came out of the blue and is something another doctor wanted. I am researching now as to what could be the problem and it's probably something complex.  I have holes in my science knowledge and education, but I am more used to reading some scientific writings as related to the medical field more than an average person. I read Pub Med for years. 

 Some early animals studies went very bad. Google ferrets and mRNA research.  It seems all people with common sense would be thinking, "I don't want to be an experiment!" This could be the biggest medical experiment ever done on humanity.  The right went so extreme with the Capitol insurrection and Trump's craziness, that the left is being led by the nose into supporting the system at all costs. I remember when leftists questioned the mainstream. Do we have to prove we believe in science by being human petri dishes, putting our immune systems perhaps at risk for the new "gene therapy"? I believe the majority of people believe the Covid vaccines are like the vaccines of old. They are not. Maybe China and other countries have traditional vaccines, but this would bear some looking into.

This week, I found out one of my acquaintances, got the first dose of a Covid vaccine and has been very sick in bed for 10 days. I don't know if they will end up hospitalized or what will happen but they sound like they are in dire trouble. Worried voices all fluttered in anxiety. What worries me is at least several people on my Zoom groups have listed horrifying flu symptoms or worse, feeling like they were on fire, spiking high fevers, extreme fatigue. These were the things they were telling groups of 15 plus people, what was going on behind closed doors? How many will remain silent or minimize things out of embarrassment that they lined up? With everyone so separated now, are the side effects even being reported or known to the point they should be?

These were healthy people. What's supposed to happen to someone like me? What's going to happen to these people long term? It doesn't take much indepth looking to find the people in nursing homes who supposedly died after the vaccine or other older people. Sure some will die via statistics, just by the numbers game but what I have seen seems beyond that.  I live in a body that is an autoimmune nightmare. I wake up daily sometimes to my skin on fire, my forehead burning, my mouth full of sores, the pain and fatigue I face is hard to describe. People see a fat woman and think I can fix everything just by putting down the cakes and cookies, I wish! People don't know what they are playing with, they are playing with fire. Maybe I am a worry wart for thinking it could go bad, but didn't we get in trouble with Covid19 in the first place because people said it wouldn't be a problem?

I've kept my mouth shut, fearing shunning, fearing ostracization for not going with the program.  I don't want to interfere. There's a worry about people getting Covid too. I attempted a subtle warning..."I don't trust the mRNA new tech and have to talk to my doctor" and Zoom rooms fell silent as if I committed a huge taboo. Some people probably will give me a break. A few already have. They will know that with my health history, there's too much dangers. I am worried however for other people too. What will happen to children if they give these vaccines to them one day? I am older, what about younger people who would be betting against their entire lives?

One thing creeping me out is how some people getting the new vaccines are stating, "it's my immune system being reprogrammed" as if their illness was a good sign. Sorry but if you feel sick your body is under attack. While vaccines can affect people negatively, all the historical vaccines that worked never made people sick. Is this article trying to tell us bad side effects are good? Give me a break! My flu shot was like drinking a glass a water in how much it affected me, not at all!  I have asked questions like, How will the spike proteins turn off when it comes to other tissues? How do we know what will happen long term? We don't. Maybe I'm one of those people who ask too many questions but this is the time and place to ask them.

It's weird how way too many on the left have been led to be blind conformists to the capitalist system and now enablers of pharmaceutical companies that while some have brought us medicines that have saved lives or keep us alive, there's been problems too. Think of words like baby powder or medicines that have been taken off the market for having side effects, black box warnings and all. All I got to say is I hope there's no dire effects long terms from all these millions of vaccines being distributed, but I am really worried about it. There is nothing democratic or freedom loving about virtue signaling or leaving everything up to experts who are definitely not free of money influences and other angles without examining things for yourself.  The people who were minding the store failed when it came to Covid19 itself, so will we see failure and disaster here? Us natural pessimists are shaking in our boots a bit. 

This is creating some angst. I don't just accept things at face value. If you choose to get a vaccine, given the horrors of Covid, I understand the motive, but please make sure you do a lot of research and examination and know what you are getting into. In my case, entire countries are telling people with my medical problems such as having anaphylactic shock not to get the vaccine. I am not sure why the USA is not delivering these warnings. Maybe they are being given in other states.

Yesterday I told my husband, there's a point I am going to have to return to living life, Covid or no Covid, because living like this seeing no people isn't going to be tolerable much longer. My time on this earth is probably limited as it is. Do I want to live or be in a cage night and day? 

I outran the Grim Reaper all these years for this? We haven't even gone on a short day trip in more than a year. I haven't gone more than 15 miles from my apartment either. We haven't seen one close friend in a year and half. I have seen doctors, and nurses and masked UU church members outside dropping things off or picking things up, and that's it. I have been in 6 stores and medical places since this crap all started. I may go to a thrift store this week since I need some things but that comes even with trepidation too. One lady at a group I belong wants to meet in person next month. Should I take the risk? Since it's for a meal people would have to take off masks for a short period of time. All these things are going through my head.  Some are vaccinated but probably some are not. The vaccines don't make people immune anyhow. Another group wants to have an outside meeting in masks, I may go and do that but yes the worry is there. 

My dreams are strange, rendered abnormal from lack of people and new places and things to do. Reality TV is forming more of my reality, when I find myself talking about people I will never meet online from Whitney Thore to the ladies of Sister Wives. It's scary how I eagerly anticipate these shows. I was watching 1000lb sisters last week and will post on it too.

My mind is being affected via lack of stimuli. While I have done some art work and done a lot of zooms, it's not the same as conversation in person. Even with my bad hearing I managed some. 
My husband keeps me going overall. He does put a smile on my face often during the day too. He keeps busy with some work [he is partially unemployed but there's some to do] and we have worked on projects together. We did form our own little caccoon. I do live in terror of him catching Covid and something happening to him but we did come together more as the world imploded. 

 While I have my husband, it's strange not to have conversations with people anymore. Some may say "Well you have Zoom....." but there a formalized exchange is about on par with what most people may face at work, you are not going to open up. When thirty people can hear your words at once, it's not the same as having private conversations. Some of my organizations definitely have added intellectual interest to my life, some activities with me writing and doing a few lectures for them, fun activities and needed stimuli, but it's not the same as real social interaction. The transcriber phone did work to fix the not being able to hear anyone. CART services and some captioning were offered on a few groups as well. 

I find myself if this is affecting me, isn't it affecting others and what is going to happen to all the kids? Life was already socially disconnected to the max for too many. All the young ACONs now forced to spend every waking hour with their narcissist parents are going to have it far worse. How many kids are going to develop personality disorders, anxiety, PTSD? I worry the younger generations undergoing this are going to be suppressed to be even more compliant and beaten down. That scares me for the future.

I've noticed most people go inward and don't talk about things when things go bad. Being a sharer, outside of my closely connected husband, I feel even more weird. One online friend is willing to talk to me, about some of the crazy stuff, so that's helped. We even talk about what we are going to make for dinner. I need some of that type of conversation. She questions the system like me and that helps. However with a lot of people now I feel uneasy. I lost all these friends from my religious deconversion and being so against Trump, some I would have stayed friends with but they were done with me. Now being in liberal circles, where I thinking more thoughts that have to remain "unspoken" else I could be shunned, there is this feeling of total repression.

I suppose the normal neurotypical reaction to tragedy, is the stiff upper lip face.  Life goes to hell and you go on. The pressure to not show emotions is even more. How is an autistic with a boatload of PTSD/CPTSD supposed to process all this?  I have learned the world's rules of never showing weakness, the hard way as shown on this blog. Showing feelings invited all the abusers in. Age taught me to emote less. It kind of sucks though. I worry I am becoming too closed down. Too many words measured by teaspoon. Inside feeling more and more alone, knowing too many emotions and thoughts are deemed "non-acceptable" by the world at large. The narcissists leave me alone now but it's like living in a repression box.

I notice sometimes even in one friendly group as some of the wealthier, academic types who have been given a place to speak, that they come from such a place of privilege, it is awe-inspiring. Their words are given weight. They hold a respect. They have a trust in this world. I do not. Am I crazy or am I just a realist? Science has brought us some good things but it can be corrupted too.

I think about my life time of invalidation and "independent thinking" that has cost me too high of a price in too many places. I pissed off the Christians and never fit in there. I am always in this place of not being able to "be me". Some people in these groups have given me compliments, "you are very intelligent", maybe those few would listen, but I feel the pressure. Does this make sense? I think what if I told some people how I really feel about the vaccines? Would they still talk to me? Would I face shunnings? How about the fact I believe this Covid stuff is being used? I believe the virus is real, don't get me wrong, but that fact is not escaping my attention and I wrote about it here. 

I regret some political stuff, and I still hate Trump but I feel so manipulated, I am on the verge of throwing all politics into the trashcan for life. I was so active but the same players always win. The world as a chessboard with every demographic at their propaganda beck and call. There feels like a uselessness to it all. I am burned out. There are regrets too that I "got too political", though I don't regret some unpairings there, when some had no independence of thought or supported full authoritarianism. I have every possiblity of getting in trouble with liberals as with conservatives so maybe I put myself out on an ice floe. Centrist Democrats considered me as an unrepentant radical too more times then not. Cancel culture bugs me, I can't stand the racists and other jerks either, but censorship sucks.

Biden is fortunately far more boring than Trump, and I've been ignoring politics lately, but why did he bomb Syria?  The centrist Democrats now are fighting about stimulus money or cutting the money or eligibility down.  We were able to pay our taxes, but a lot of our stimulus money has been used to purchase a specialist for my husband who has no medical insurance.

I am tired of hearing about variants and lock downs and unlock downs and feel like I am being gaslighted about a plague that just won't end. Does anyone remember when they promised it would be two weeks to flatten the curve?  I still wear my mask, but they've ruined everyone's lives. How many years will we all lose from this nonsense? Will I finally go see some people in masks while outside and then return home fearing "I caught it?". I think being ruled by fear is a path to misery too but it's like everything's been ruined. People are changing too, even more closed down quiet. The single and alone are suffering immensely, I've talked to a few and the ones with families around them are the extreme socially privileged.

I don't trust "vaccines" that don't work. Aka... no permanent immunity.

I don't trust being told masks still need to be worn by everyone vaccinated or unvaccinated. What use is the vaccine then? Seriously. Full blown risks with none of the pay-off?

I don't trust all the talk about how asymptomatics. That alone upped the fear factor by 100 with this stupid virus. You couldn't see evidence of illness in front of your face.

I don't trust the talk about how people will need boosters or a new vacc every 6 months. 

I don't like that I saw censorship being done in front of my face. Anyone even talking about side effects is being silenced and sequestered and to me that is a giant red flag.  

The elites are growing too powerful. They seemed to have benefited from a virus that serves their totalitarian needs on a platter on every score.  One reddit board banned me for a week for expressing worries about the Covid Vaccine "side effects" board getting taken down and censored.

I've shut down otherwise, "no one wants to hear it". I make jokes to husband saying: "The world is burning and collapsing but you must pay your bills!" Add in another rant for 10 minutes about us being forced to live like we are all like the kids in Flowers in the Attic. I probably would offend most people with my humor, but at this point what does it matter?

I know everyone's so burdened what is the use of adding on my load? Some friends are sticking by me even while facing troubles of their own,  but a few friends have been disappearing. People I used to talk to weekly on Facebook, are gone. A few are left but I wonder how many are withdrawing into extreme depression, homelessness or no more internet from personal economic collapse. The world has grown into such a scary place, people are freaked out and it is showing. While I enjoy aspects of social media, people are very supportive of my art work, and belong to and even admin groups like one deconversion one, there's this weird feeling with some of it. You miss real world interaction. I have dreams of returning to the real world but find myself worried they want a world where everything is virtual and private conversation becomes very rare.

With Covid, I am not adapting. The "new normal" sucks. I was too way hard on those I called "Covidiots" because too much BS is continuing and a lot just doesn't make any sense. I got caught up in the fervor. Now I am looking around saying what the hell is going on? This definitely has taught me a lesson about taking political hard lines when our politics is so deeply manipulated from the top. The antimaskers will still annoy me, but now I will leave them alone. I'm tired of all the fear too. 

 I am questioning some aspects of the lockdowns as they seem to have failed. I question there being a new variant every week. I question them monkeying indepth with the human immune system with their "new gene therapy". Has this vaccine been stopped in America yet?

My choice now is withdrawing more from politics and news. To free my brain from their constant trauma programming. I am scared to return to "real life" but living without any people or activities is no life. If I go too long never talking to anyone in person there's going to be some severe side effects especially given my history.

There's risk to everything. Unlike some, I think the virus is real, but it's definitely being USED. I also realize as someone whose almost died of allergies before multiple times with all these health problems, I have to take care of myself. Society is turning totalitarian. I worried for months about it coming from the right but there's aspects of it coming from both sides.

The DNC could step in for it's brief interval and then we could get a stronger more charismatic fascist that will outgun Trump. The pendelum will keep swinging. The technocrat future seems to dream of nothing but control and misery. 

It's scary to have viewpoints you know won't be accepted. I was on the Covid true believer bus, I still am wearing the masks and believe the virus is real still, but it's like religion, don't believe everything you are told.