I liked this little sign. Lately I have been having some strange dreams lately, I've woke up with thoughts in my head, of "You don't have to hang out with people who don't like you anymore!". In some ways these have been freedom dreams.
Some of my guilt over going no contact has lifted. It was strange that I even put up with so much, but then you are told, "hey it's your mother, it's your sister!, you can't walk away!" Today one thing I am seeing change about me is I am having more standing in what I think and feel, I'm done questioning myself or second guessing myself so much. There were serious things to be concerned about. One way narcissists will mess with your mind, is all the gaslighting, "acting nice" but not really BEING NICE.
For years I felt bad because they didn't like me, at most tolerated me with a flash of disgust in their eyes, but what about my side of things? I realized there were many things about them, I did not like. Why did I try so hard to be liked and accepted? By the time of my thirties, numbness ruled, while I focused on my own life, but too much was still being accepted. I needed to pull the plug.
Number one, they weren't very nice to people, number two they looked down on those of lesser means--trust me I wasn't the only one who gained the ire and number three, all the "withholding", people like this you really cannot know. They do not share themselves with you, or probably anyone else for that matter, you stay strangers? Why pour energy into it all?
One thing I am thinking about lately is how does one find happiness? Whatever years I have left, I'd rather spend some time doing things I like and which have meaning. One is far happier if they get away from people who always tell them what is wrong with them, rather then what is right. Another thing too one can find people in their life who have light and life to them and around them you will light up.
Pull the plug from those who darken the room.
Good to hear your guilt is abating, Peep. You spent many, many years in a CB FOO and it's gonna take some time for the FOG to lift and for you to become accustomed to NC and experience all the benefits of Freedom from The CB Crazy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure there's as many reasons for tolerating abuse from our CB FOOs as there are people seeking to free themselves from such. Many Adult Children really wrestle with the word "abuse" in applying it to their situation despite the reality this word fits their experiences. We're born hard wired to bond with our Primary Caretakers-that's science. It take years of concerted effort to destroy that bond (if indeed there was any) but destroy it the CBs do, in spectacular fashion: Maybe it was the constant drip-drip-drip of erosion through criticism, dehumanizing, sabotaging etc. or perhaps some final huge blow-up. What ever it takes to get us to NC is likely to be more of the same we endured for years.
Until we don't.
If our CB "Parent(s)" could not love or bond with us as innocent, beautiful Little Ones, they certainly aren't going to as we grow older. It takes far more than giving birth to be a parent. It takes far more than DNA to become a "Family."
TW
This comment isn't about this post in particular, but about your blog in general.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog a few days ago and keep coming back to it. You are a good writer and tell your story with honesty and verve. I don't agree with you on every point (I don't agree with anyone on every point), but you have made me think about how I view the super obese.
It really is easy to get into the trap of thinking of certain groups as "other." To draw a line and say "These people aren't like me." That makes it easier to think of them as less than human. When in reality we are all part of the same messed up human family.
Your blog helps me to see the super obese as fellow humans struggling to get through life. Your words help erase the lines of prejudice many of us feel/felt toward bigger people. I wish you continue success with this blog and renewed health in 2014. regards -- robin
Hi Tundra Woman, thanks for your post. I am glad the guilt is abating now too. Too many years of being told I was the one in the wrong, I think they got further with it due to health and other problems. There is relief in not having to kowtow to the craziness that is for sure. I tolerated too much abuse, but I know a lot of it had to do with my "needs" and the way I was set up especially in my 20s. At least I tried to stand up to them as much as possible and drew the line with that first NC in my 20s. I know many struggle with "abuse", I definitely had some of the classic stuff like physical, but then everyone reads a book like a Child Called It, and thinks unless your parent is breaking your bones or burning you with cigarrettes and landing you in the hospital, that it isn't real abuse. Emotional abuse especially as the hands of severe emotional abusers is definitely one of the hardest to face and is not taken seriously enough for its outcome. I agree the dehumanization etc, all chip away at things, as adults many of us conclude we have had enough and in my case there were true physical survival issues entering onto the scene. Yes if they can't bond with a little innocent child, they are not when we are older, you got that right. Real families love and care about one another. DNA doesn't ensure real bonding! Thanks for your post.
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ReplyDeleteThanks Robin, I appreciate your words. I am glad you see the super obese in a different way. I hope to get my story out there so others can understand, the propaganda about weight is so immense, it is hard to break through. I hope I can have us seen as fellow human beings. This blog I started as a challenge to all the deceptions out there and hope I will make some headway. Thanks for your encouragement, I greatly appreciate it. :)!!
I was recently diagnosed with diabetes. When I told my mother, her response was "well, I was wondering when you'd end up with that diagnosis." Meaning, I brought it on myself for being fat.
ReplyDeleteCutting my mother out of my life really isn't an option for me, but I do try to limit contact with her.
I am amazed as I read different ACON blogs how common it is to be scapegoated and rejected by your own family. It is painful- I have good days and bad days, but it gets easier once you stick to No Contact. I keep reminding myself that these folks are not high quality people- they're toxic, so why would I even care to be included? And I focus on my many friends who are better than family to me. And I keep plugging along with compassion and humor. Bless everyone of us who has to go through this! What strong, strong and loving people we are!
ReplyDeleteI have read many ACON blogs too and seen how common it is. I do believe narcissism is growing in America and wonder if a sociologist or researcher has ever studied even the changes in families over years. I am glad you have some good days. Yes why be included with toxic people? NC cuts that seeking to please cord or the false dream that one day they will turn around and "see" you. God bless you too.
ReplyDeleteThis comment isn't specifically regarding this post, but your blog in general.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog all the time, but I almost never comment, because I'm shy. I know that's stupid, and that generally people who author blogs are delighted to get comments, and are depressed when they don't get them.
But I'll bet there are 200+ people who view your blog, for any one viewer who ever gets up the guts to comment.
What you write here is very much valued, is what I'm trying to convey. Even by those who are skinny and silent.
What you are willing to share here is socially important.
Thanks anon, sorry I am answering so late. I know there is more readers then those who comment. I hope my blog is helping someone and thanks for your encouragement. :)
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