Saturday, February 9, 2019
In religion and in life, the constant drum beat that you must change or fix yourself to be "acceptable" and "loved" never seems to end. Our corporate society runs on the premise of conformity and 'remaking" and "changing" yourself to fit in. Being fat makes this one especially strong, a life time of being told you are not acceptable as you are takes a major toll. Only thin you is to be loved. One's life can become a cacophony of "You aren't good enough!" and "You have failed!"
One prison that I had to work on breaking out of is having been taught I have to "earn love". I got tired. There was part of me a couple years ago, that finally looked on on the scope of my life, and realized, "I am never going to be what any of these people want me to be", and "Neither do I want to be who they want". I was sick of the hoop jumping, sick of feeling inside like I always had to be "nice", sick of being told I had to "earn" any crumbs of attention I got, or love, or notice or validation. I had been blamed for all my problems for years, that "I got what I deserved,", that "I didn't work hard enough" and that "I didn't try hard enough to lose weight, make money, or any of the other demands". With toxic religion, that was joined in too. The Christian God was just another abuser telling me I was "not good enough", "only deserving of hell" and who made false promises that I "didn't have enough faith" to see carried out in my life. His demands were endless too. I was a worm there too who never "measured up".
My abusers especially my sociopathic mother had indoctrinated me that I was only as good as what I accomplished or did for others. I was supposed to be what they wanted, do things they needed and match their opinions. I was supposed to never be jealous and smile at the good fortunes of others while mine fell. I was supposed to always make excuses just for existing, and apologize to people for being too fat, not fitting in, being too Aspie. I was supposed to shut down all of my emotions, and conform. I knew my family sucked but didn't understand why, and sadly grey rocked myself into utter repression.
I have worked the last couple years on myself in the area of self acceptance. One odd thing is years ago, I posted a thread called "I will do what I want". People probably thought that was an odd post on this blog, but it was a turning point in my life that resonates to today. Surely there are limits, I have to take pills and do medical things I don't always want to do. We have responsibilities like paying the rent, but I think at that point, I crossed a hurdle of sorts, where I thought "No one else is going to control me" and "I am done hanging out with people I don't even like!" This was the "fed up" point on the heart meme above. I realized this was my life, and I had the choice to do what I wanted with it, and no longer had to be directed or influenced or pressured by people who simply were out for themselves.
The narcissistic family trained me to be like a puppy dog chasing after and begging for love. I started analyzing the fact, that it was better to be alone then ever be in that position again. Some years ago, I collected a bunch of emails and posts and noticed how they talked to me. I discussed this in the "Breaking Patterns" post.
As I read through the patterns I was horrified. I was so weak sadly in begging for their love and attention while they gave so little back. I realized these sick people had given me a ton of self-hatred as they told me over and over my flaws made me unlovable and only worthy of their rejection and the rejection of everyone else. Later when my brother came to hoover me, I remember thinking "Oh so nine years later, you are going to come crawling back? I'm not a sucker." After all doors had been slammed in my face over and over. I knew then they enjoyed watching me beg for their love and wanted to see me crawl back yet again, but those days were long over. I was mindful out in life not to repeat those patterns anymore with anyone else.
I thought of good people I knew, they were capable of loving people who were far from perfect and who had flaws. They didn't expect everyone to match them or conform. Good friends loved me simply for being me. They didn't slam doors in people's faces. Being into no contact some years, I started to learn how normal people operated. I saw other "flawed" human beings, even "very fat" people or ones with disabilities or a number of limitations loved by others. That's how it should be. I knew I loved others who had flaws. Some people just the fact they existed was enough for me, and I was blessed to have them in my life.
The Unitarian Universalist church has a principle that became very important to my healing, they actually made it #1 on the list. They affirmed the inherent worth and dignity of every person. Just being alive made one valuable. This principle became very important to me. I also realized how seeing the worth and dignity of every person brought out more compassion in me, rather then seeing them as destined to "burn in hell" and other ill fates, that our narcissistic world wanted to confine them too especially in our world that focuses so much on status, and turns a multitude of groups into the "unacceptable" or "other".
I came to the conclusion that it was time to give myself the same acceptance. I enjoyed the love of a good husband for 20 plus years. I didn't expect him to be perfect to love him. I needed to turn the same eye on myself, and change things accordingly. We can give ourselves love and acceptance just for existing. We don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore. We don't have to "earn love". This was a trap the narcissists and toxic religion put me in. There is no other person on this planet like me, and well I am a unique being who deserved love and care same as everyone else. There is no copy. Even with flaws, even with being super-fat, or with not enough money, I deserved love and acceptance, I had worth and dignity.
There are so many people out there who suffer greatly being told "They are not enough". They are told over and over they must be fixed or conform to be worthy of any love or compassion. This happens the most to people who have life set on the hard setting. They go into poverty or lose their health and they are told, "it's your fault", and "you didn't or aren't doing what you are supposed to." Sadly in a multitude of ways this props up a destructive system in our country and gives sociopaths permission to run rampant over people.
The scapegoaters and judgers bring endless misery refusing to understand and tell people the lie, that they can fix everything and they must do so to be loved or accepted or cared about. I saw this in religion too. If you have enough faith, God will fix it, and it's simply not true. I have discussed on this blog, how the "FIX-ITs" brought me untold misery, as I was told over and over "YOU NEED TO FIX YOURSELF!" I was told over and over all the bad stuff that happened to me from the abuse, to the ill health and poverty were all my fault. Over and over I was told in churches and by my family that if I was a "better person" that my life would be better. I was told conformity would bring me results.Years ago I warned about the miserable and austere "achievement queens and kings". It was all lies.
The only way out for me, and by the way, I have had some immense strides even when it has come to life-long depression even this year, was learning the art of self-acceptance. I didn't have to bang my head on the wall anymore. Self acceptance was the path out of the thick forest of narcissists and societal lies. I could love myself. I could "do what I wanted" and seek after what was important to me. Self acceptance brought me more love and compassion for others too.