Sad.

This is how I feel lately:

I just can't take anymore.

Last night husband came in and told me someone smacked into our car and created a giant dent in it and a door that won't close. I just had stayed out of the hospital, just barely all week. Even now I feel some stirring of pain but hoping it will leave me be, please no more nausea. This was the last thing I needed. The door won't close on the car, and another stupid "in a hurry" senseless yuppie, makes my life miserable. I suppose it could have been worse, husband could have gotten injured or worse, but now it just increases my worry quotient and there is so much to worry about. Even that day, I said, "Don't go out, you run too many errands". A $4,000 dollar tax bill, getting dug deeper from husband's freelance employment--you all don't want to know what tax rate, they expect for the self-employed even if you are among the food pantry set ping pongs in my brain along with other worries that seem to never end. Will I crack up? It remains to be seen.

The car was insured, but then think more bills, more trouble, and I feel that fear that presses around my head, and heart, the kind that poverty and it's problems always brings to the door.

I wish I was a happier, "more positive" person, all the things people tell me I should be and which lately I am failing to be whether I am to blame or not. Yeah I have failed at being JOLLY to the max. Functional adulthood has eluded me and being deep into middle aged years, you know that is a lost cause. Trust me I am sad about this, and it feels like something else that I have failed "to do". Other cultures at least you can admit "life sucks" without clucking tongues, and being told it's because you are a bad person. Life sucks! There I said it.

My religious faith tells me, that I am to believe life has meaning and Romans 8:28 that all things work together for good to them that love God. Right now my life seems to be nothing but Drudge, Pain, Nausea, Worry, Sadness, Grief and worrying about when the other shoe may drop on my head or what it will include. If you were me and felt your guts wrench over a series of days, and saw your household implode for years and so many friends die, I think you'd be sad too. Why lie to God? He obviously knows what I have suffered recently.

Fun is in very short supply. Very short. I miss too many people. I haven't had a day trip for fun in 2 years. I haven't been on a real vacation as adult. I am lonely. I am housebound. My apartment is a mess and motivation to clean it up to the degree I have only comes from health needs and fear of the landlord getting angry at me.  Of course who wants to clean while puking their guts out?  I need a vacation, some sun, smiles, shopping for fun, some new stamps, a car that works, a body that works, no more money worries, stability, to see my old town, to see some old friends, to go somewhere, to feel like life has some meaning again. I don't care about being "responsible", lack of money makes you fail at it anyhow. I want some SMILES, I WANT SOME FUN.

One looks at their life and sees it as this patchwork of pain, and you get thoughts like you want to "run away". Why continue to compete in a contest you already have lost in? Modern American culture where you not only slid down the ladder but fell off the stupid thing. Maybe I shouldn't have read that book this week about the rich actor who escaped to Italy and got to spend time puttering in his garden, eating food that actually had taste and other vistas of a slow life that mattered.

My marriage is happy enough, though definitely the stress has not helped, but I wonder what the husband thinks of my muttered fantasies about selling everything off, and becoming a bum with no more bills to worry about,  and going some place warm right now on Greyhound.  The other day, I even said, "Let's sell everything off and buy plane tickets and get out of here!"  He says, "You are too sick to do any of it, you know it and why are you talking this way?" Things are not good when you fantasize about running away from your own crummy life. Course does the geographic cure ever work? I couldn't shake the body. I told him, if I am about to die, I want to go somewhere. He thinks I have gone mad and "over-reacting" and tells me, "you need to calm down!" 

I am feeling crushed lately, like life has become nothing but trouble, and suffering.Am I a whiner?
Perhaps I am. Maybe I am just wore out. Who do I inform? Ah, I wish I had fun times to write to you about here. Where I could post pictures of fun, and doing stuff, and my new shoes, and stickers and flowers, and a trip somewhere. I can think of many things that would put a smile on my face right now, but that remain out of reach. If my car can't be fixed, that means even more of the prison doors slamming shut.

I wish they had rest cures like they did in old days, can't afford one anyway. I want time away from looking at this mess, I wouldn't mind someone bringing me a cup of tea and telling me everything is going to be alright. I have good friends who been so helpful and are very kind people but I sometimes wonder how on earth did I become such a mess and why do I feel like I fail at fixing anything? Why can't I get it together? Please don't tell me "Be positive", it just feels like another condemnation. I just need to have some FUN and HAPPINESS instead of worry and illness. I am worn out.