Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Brick Walls and Ice Queens

The worse things about narcissists, is they do not feel. They have one mode inside to "win" and "get over" on YOU and be king or queen of the mountain. I could be dealing with extreme spectrum stuff here, people with no consciences and people with no feelings. I don't know. The psychiatrists would probably have to figure this one out. Some of it certainly is beyond me.

What is their motivations in life? They live in a world of things and appearances, I can't even relate to. One thing I have asked God is why do people who do not care about anyone or anything given so much? I suppose in this world they will have their reward. You have to wonder about people you never have seen cry ever, who seem not to experience any feelings of nostalgia, empathy, compassion, deep thoughts, who never seem to desire a close connection with a friend or anyone else for that matter. It's like they are dead inside, the landscape a terrain of blackness.

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For years I thought maybe my mother and sister are just reticent beyond belief, and the feelings remain "hidden" inside but putting the puzzle pieces together, I realized they were not bothered with pesky emotions, like guilt, loss, grief, sadness, tears, empathy, missing people or anything else that brings humanity to a person. For years I wanted to make sure I was not misjudging both of them but then lost too much of myself, trying to meet them half way, while they never moved one inch, or ever took any of my feelings into account about anything. I wasted so many years trying to get close to people like this, trying to reach out, trying to improve the relationships.

Oh I analyzed everything I did wrong for years, try to be nicer, try to be kinder, try not to be needy, try to offer attention, not overstep boundaries, not impose, so forth and so on. Nothing ever improved no matter what I did until I started thinking maybe the problem was from the OTHER SIDE.

I would write my mother these 5 page letters, saying "Lets try and work this out!" Other times I did confront her, asking her why she treated me the way she did and challenging her to stand up for myself. Such letters she would deny the existence of.  Even now I have resisted writing letters to them both, saying "This is why I left" but have told myself, "Why bother?" You tried to get the message across for years, they simply did not care. How long can you scream into the phone and hear nothing back?

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It's like talking to cold brick walls, who never respond. Two emotions, anger and neutral and nothing in between, not even fear. One thing about brick walls, sometimes you throw the ball out and when it hits ice queens that feel nothing, it bounces off and smacks you in the face.

You ever been around people that make you feel very alone? That is how I felt around both of them.

I was cleaning out an old email box, and saw a letter to my sister where I am appealing to see my nieces and nephews, she was planning to drive right by the apt or something, and how she basically steps over everything I said and anything "emotional" ignored it and then responded in her usual "business-like" cold manner. There were a few letters like that where I was simply ignored.

After I went NC and showed one letter to a friend, that I did no respond to, that friend pointed out that letter had about as much feeling in it as a neighbor one barely knows responding to another neighbor about their noisy dog or something. One even said, it sounds sociopathic, it's so devoid of emotion. That's no sister. Its hard to be on a social website, and see loving families, sisters, and people who had mothers who loved them and realized what I lost. No family is perfect not by any means, but facing what hand I got dealt has not been easy with everything else.

I got acouple "nice" cards from my mother since going NC, but they read like what someone think they should write someone to be "nice". Where there is little feeling in it. ho-hum, send a "nice" card, no skin off her back, and no emotion either.  Her daughter exits her life, and Two big things missing though, she never asks, "Why did you leave?" or "What is wrong?" One friend said, "She already knows what is wrong, Peep."

When I was young, one thing both narc parents would constantly yell at me is, "You are too sensitive, toughen up!". While one can understand a parent maybe not wanting a child to cry over every little thing and to develop some resiliency, I realized just the fact I had feelings around these people seemed to make me an "enemy" of sorts. Parents who got angry at any tears were not normal parents. Any emotions outside of a neutral face mask or anger, seemed to upset them. I was trained to become like them, but failed, and that was a good thing! I no longer feel guilty for being sensitive anymore.

There is no "winning" in going "no contact", you just face the losses. Realizing since the family rotates around the matriarch, you'll never see a lot of people again? You do manage to stop the abuse.  I have no more visits I'll be required to go on why sick.

But how can you replace a family? It's hard. The replacement ones always seem to fall away while the empty place remains where people with souls may have stood. Instead you ended up with these disappointments. Is that crass for me to call someone else a disappointment? But they were. They had no emotions. They had nothing to appeal to. They were just there, standing and staring. I dare say now that I am gone, they will wake up, go shopping, do their dishes, go on another trip, and not give me another thought. Not one iota of loss will cross their inner landscapes. They don't think about me and hopefully one day I'll be able to stop too with God's help.

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