The Poverty Saga Worsens

 

                                     

I'm doing ebay today. It's pin money but better to have the 5 bucks for gas to get across the street.   Fat Pat is done, but until I get 60 dollars to coil the first 10 copies, there is still a bit of a delay. One often has to spend money to make money. Hopefully it will be done soon. One part of being broke, is it takes money to get things done. 

My light bill is overdue. It was cold last month so it was higher. I'm working out a payment plan. In the winter it can go up to 250 dollars month or more. Well I can still be okay if I get my disability apartment. Once I am set up there, I can have life become more stable.  After I post this I am going to go clean my apartment, it's harder to keep things nice with no money. I am going to have him do laundry and I am going to box more crap up. We have carted at least 30 boxes out to thrift in the last few months.

 I am on a housing list, and it's a good place. We called to find out where I am on the list, there may still be a bit of a wait. We have to decide whether to stay here in the next several weeks or go into some type of temporary housing. Moving twice anyhow seems insane, especially since we will need friends help to move. We did pass the "cleaning" inspection from the other month. I estimate the wait to be 3-9 months, I do know the number of people ahead of me. It could be longer. 

I am dying of embarrassment too because my shoes are old and some Birkenstocks I saved from Trump money times, don't fit. I've lost a little weight since last year but my feet seem to be growing. My walker is covered in duct tape. I haven't bought a piece of new clothing since 2020. Everything is frayed. I still am stuck with a broken down couch. One charity place claimed to have some furniture but when my husband picked something, they said, "oh that is exempted", there was nothing else available. I never could afford the hearing aids, but my new ear doctor since my old one retired told me, they probably wouldn't help much anyway. Both are good doctors so I trust what they are saying. 

There's always that worry that I will end up homeless and my family will find out. They will see me on the sidewalk and laugh. My mother is probably enjoying her meals out, new clothes and second vacation home right now, yeah that's right, she owns two houses. Every time I saw that woman she had a new outfit on when I was in contact. Maybe the deliverance minister was right, my mother did curse me with poverty.  It always comes back to knock on our door. It makes you feel weird about life. 

She swims in money while I suffer. The social workers don't help people like normal people think they do. This life has taught me, no Calvary is coming. It is easy to fall off the cliff. Those who never have wailed in the street with everything being lost, never want to see that day. I did in Chicago.

 I am thankful for good friends who have helped. We are very fortunate in that regard.

I don't expect the "system" to do anything for me. Sadly a person will struggle emotionally inside more and more for always being the one in need. Social workers always have said "no" to me my entire life except for getting some food and a few thrift items like old silverware and pots. There's never clothes in either of our sizes to find in thrift stores. I guess fat people hold on to their clothes until they are rags.

 I joked about group homes and us going into one for my husband but we heard horror stories about those places from people in our mental health peer group that is now defunct. We would need the place for physical and other problems but several people we knew spent time in group homes. Someone on reddit suggested to me, "you are not managing your life, maybe it would be a good idea". I know I may need one if I am ever in this world alone.  Today I will work on this blog, help put more ebay up, nebulize lungs, do my leg machine, wrap my legs, clean out this one box, cook some lunch, cook some dinner, check on appointments for the week, and read this Russian novel "Dead Souls". I'm not living a lifestyle that should bring destitution and despair. 

Why can't my husband get a decent job instead of gig work, and piece meal stuff? I have begged for work for him all over. Today I was asking a friend for ideas about a job, and they mentioned a phone company that hires customer service, he then goes on the website and it's nothing but extreme specialized technical work. It's like that all over. I read the job ads and don't even understand half of them. The algorithims toss everyone out. I did write back to clarify where does one find the link to do regular customer service. 

People can see evidence of his work online, [the endless newspaper work].  He got more freelance work, but it's barely going to cover the bills. He told me yesterday to be patient that this newspaper is giving him work, but why wouldn't I worry?  He desperately needs new clothes. He works all the time, that's the sad thing but it's for so little. I've helped him with job hunting. The job ads on Indeed are a joke. I think there's a lot of jobs that are advertised for that really don't exist. He applied for some and never heard anything back. 

We have to move into disabled housing even for his protection. I don't want him to end up homeless if something happens to me. He can go on Social Security in a few years too.  I know his problems affected the career, this includes physical health problems and Autistic traits. There seemed to be a dynamic going where he ended up with abusive bosses way too easily, he had a couple decent ones--one at a newspaper that sadly had economic problems, the boss there was nice. He ended up scraping for crumbs after that ad agency fired him in 2007. 

I know this other autistic man in town, this guy has moved into local disabled HUD housing and had to go on welfare. We are friends on Facebook. His career track record was full of even more hardship and lay-offs. "you're not a good fit", is what they tell autistic people all the time or you end up working for exploitive jerks who pay as little as possible. This guy loved to work, and always showed up on time but you could tell he was being ousted out because he was different. My husband's recent freelance boss, had a homeless employee, who lived in the back room of some retail store. I said there's a theme there, when someone is hiring the desperate. 

One recent mind-screw lately are all these more well-off folks online claiming the economy is doing just fine. I don't think so. It may be great for the investor class but not anyone else. The haves maybe are rising even more as the greater number of have-nots are being crushed. I've even heard some defend the billions being sent overseas for "perpetual war".

The working class as a whole has been abandoned by the elitist left, they don't care. They only care about their virtue signaling identity politics and luxury beliefs. Many Democrats don't get that Biden is going to lose because the economy is so bad. The worse thing though Republicans have a track record of removing the social safety nets.  No one cares about the discrimination that happens when you don't have enough of the "green". I'm tired of those liberals who go on about "white supremacy" ignoring the existence of poor white people. People of all colors are hitting the wall financially now. Oddly to many rich liberals, there's no such thing as poor white people. And people wonder why so much of the working class runs to Trump? [which I think is a bad idea too, but at least they are told they exist]

He actually said it, Sheesh.

They do all this crap anyway because if people of all colors united, they'd start questioning the 1 percent and how they are hoarding all the wealthy and oppressing everyone. Bernie was such a let down.
 I have to leave town to find a decent senior disabled apartment. We are going to have to start over soon. I'm fine with it, but having to move so much is not easy on one's life. I know enough people here to run into people I know all the time. I will miss that.

Thank goodness I got us on the disabled/senior housing list. It was hard to find one that allowed more moderate income but I did. If we moved into HUD, my husband wouldn't be allowed to make more than 11,000 a year, he could "make too much" even being on full Social Security. Why do they make it so hard on married people? The system has so many crazy rules like that. There's some hope in going into there. Even if things got bad enough where we were only living on my income, we could survive there. He plans to keep working and doing his gig work there too of course. 

Do people in America starve to death or freeze to death? Sure they do. No one realizes this. I have known homeless people I met online and talked to, and some were disabled. This one lady in a wheelchair, who had EDS, they told her she had to go a mile to eat at one homeless shelter. No one cares if you can barely breath, 10 degrees or not, you're outside. There's a lot of people living really horribly now and it's getting worse. If you are in the disabled community, you will hear nightmare stories. Many people on SSI, live in the streets or very cheap rental rooms because SSI is so little money. I know from my past how bad things can get, and everyone who is a long time reader knows why Peep is so upset about money or poverty problems. Money or lack there of grinds my gears. My crazy family taught me all the worse about money. They were willing to sacrifice everything for money and did.  They won't tell you this on the news but homeless is exploding. I already know people living in hotel rooms on Facebook. One lady did get a job, so hopefully she can claw her way out. 

 Imagine if I get thrown into the streets, well SSDI should at least afford a rental room as long as the government is standing, but lets say I do. They don't rescue the disabled either. I've known disabled people rolled out in their wheelchair from the homeless shelter being told they have to be out all day, in 10 degrees. The other day I was in a food pantry car line, and there was this veteran in front of me, he had "Disabled Veteran" on his license plate and a Vietnam Veteran sticker. That tells you how messed up this country is, go risk your life and then end up in poverty. Well everyone deserves a home and a life. They say recruitment for the military is down, maybe the young don't want to die for the new world order or for wars that just bankrupt their hometowns anymore. If you are going to end up living in a tent or messed up from PTSD, what's the use?

Yesterday I was going to sign up myself for lunch at the local Senior Center. They told me their food program is managed by Meals on Wheels and you have to be 60. So I am not allowed to eat lunch with my husband who is older. How does that make any sense? He won't eat lunch without me anyway. I had older friends warn me on Facebook, "Meals on Wheels food sucks! It's bland." One said, "I wouldn't feed it to my dog!". Some people told me on the other hand, their Meals on Wheels food isn't that bad. I'm tired of these constant barriers. 

It's scary how the charities have turned into monopolies, why does this one organization control all the food for the elderly in the whole nation? They are stingy. We have been low on groceries, so this is even more annoying. The Senior Center seemed weird, the place was quiet as a tomb. I probably will still try some activities there but there was a strange vibe. I went to this Senior Center several times in another small town, that was friendly, they offered me cookies [turned those down because of thrush] and drinks.   

In this body I need stability, decent food, some social contact, medicine, supplements, peaceful place to sleep to stay alive, all of that is at risk. Liberals don't care about the poor. The elitist Democratic party goes on about the pronouns and other bull-crap. Biden claims the economy is doing well as the prices have skyrocketed. Hillary Clinton even crowed about how wonderful the economy is doing. Are these people high? No, they are just psychopathic liars. Sometimes I think the elite have already chosen to put Trump back in, otherwise why would they be lying to a country of pissed off people about the economy that is now crushing them? Are presidents selected not elected?

The "strong Biden economy"---what an utter joke!

My husband is still a Democrat, which may surprise some here. He wants me to vote for Biden stating that Trump is going to deport him [he is a birthright citizen] and my disability is going to be cut away. He talked me into voting for Biden last time when I didn't really want to. I'm still responsible for that, but I have been very disappointed.

 Sadly Republicans are jerks about social safety nets so can't argue with that but I can't vote for the guy who wanted to force clot shots on me. He told me RFK is being financed by a billionaire MAGA supporter named Mellon. That did bug me because I looked it up. RFK is the only one calling out the Covid lies and corruption.  I don't know who I am going to vote for, it won't be Biden or Trump but I find politics disenchanting beyond belief now.

The Republican party wants to erase all social safety nets. They don't give a damn either. No one represents the poor and working class. I may not even vote except local races, it's a given they will let us down now. Kennedy, is one I would have maybe voted for, even though I worry he is another Bernie/Jill Stein sheep dog, to get whatever globalist creep they want in. [Maybe Newsome OR Trump]

 Even with the ebay, I was helping, photographing and puting stuff up. The shipping costs have squashed me, why did it cost 5.50 to mail costume jewelry earrings that weigh less than three ounces? We have to mail out some stamps today we sold for 5 bucks. Yesterday I was helping husband with ebay, photographing comics. I have to sell off my own material possessions to survive, and there's not that many of them.

Sometimes I think stoicism is the only pathway out in dealing with poverty. I already been down the almost have a nervous break down highway.  I joke if the worse happens, at least I won't have to pay all these bills. I've been working to clean things out, I don't know how long I will be living here, but the plans are to move, and we are basically "starting over" again. I know some things are still up in the air, but I have wanted to make some changes. Things were working before Covid and now, a lot has changed.

A friend and I were talking about religion, I told her I left fundamentalism and churches, but still believe in God and Jesus. I don't plan a return to the evangelical world. Class differences were there for me too. When I talk to fellow poor people most of us cleared out of the churches, we couldn't afford them and most of us got judgment. The UUs were far nicer at least when it came to that stuff.  I run into those stories all the time, where people were told if they prayed and worked hard, their lives of poverty would change. Sure some who are able to conquer substance abuse or get away from toxic people are able to change the socio-economic equation, but many don't who didn't face those problems.

 Some of my religious views are very different. I think the church system abandoned Christ's teachings long ago and still question hell. [universalism] Why should we trust the Council of Nicaea when Constantine ran it? She said she went to church too but quit and that she hates churches. I said churches are for the rich. She agreed. We then discussed prayer, she mentioned how she would pay to God all the time about her money problems and they never changed. I said, "This is true of me!". I said, "Maybe prayer is not for this life but the next. I know that's a strange theory I have."  Jesus Christ had no money. The evangelical churches when they tell people the money will be there if they just pray for it, have got it wrong. I think all churches in America, have a slight bit of the prosperity gospel going. Some of the spiritual in USA society says getting the money means selling your soul a lot of the time. Some people become rich being good people but it seems certain personalities do rise up here. 

I wish there were churches for poor people out there, we could meet in a simple setting, read the bible, have some lectures, have some discussions about life, some meals and recreation--no pastors, and help each other. Maybe the Hutterites got it the most right. I wish I had found out about them when I was a lot younger. Their life seems a lot nicer to me.

Its ironic some years ago, I dragged us off to a counselor because I felt we both were failing in life and not functioning. She concluded that we were "trying our best". That's kind of funny to think about now. 

Someone wrote on Reddit, "Being poor is being told the world doesn't want you". 

We have been trying to sell everything but the kitchen sink, to stay afloat, but it's very small amounts of money. Everyday I wake up thinking, "What can we sell?" I even sold a starving artist painting I had to get 40 bucks for groceries. It's a bit insane. I've started selling off bits of my stamp collection. It's not a big money collection, some of those stamp collectors could sell their collections and live off the proceeds for years. It's a few dollars here and there.

There are times I consider going begging, I've already asked friends for too much, and writing out the cardboard sign, even if I see people I know, I don't care.  My husband doesn't like it when I say stuff like this. Begging is illegal in my richer side of town, most do it by the shopping plazas on the poor side of town. We started seeing more people out there. They look pretty desperate. There's always people down there who will come up and beg you for rides too. I don't think they have money to take the bus that goes down there. I won't do it but I can understand why the begging place is filling with people.

I don't expect wealth being disabled, this body has cost me so much. It will be interesting to see if the poverty diet, takes off weight instead of putting it on this time. I haven't gone to the one meal a day plan fearing weight gain like what happened to me during the Chicago era. I've kept to three meals a day. The hunger pain is never ending. However do you think poor people food is that good? It doesn't always taste good. It is rare when I have food, that tastes decent to me. Eggs still do. I miss salads, they cost so much.  Some cabbage soup I cooked yesterday was okay. Trying to get enough vegetarian meals in has been very hard. Food is so expensive now it's scary. 

The food pantries still hand out too many carbohydrates and sugar. The meats are all fatty. Some poor people food is gross and tastes bad. I made myself some eggs and cut up green pepper, with some little pieces cut off this frozen ham lunch meat, a food pantry gave us some weeks ago. That didn't taste too bad at least. I made rice with ground turkey and vegetables, garbanzo bean patties, quesedillas with refried beans, cabbage soup at various meals. It's probably good I know how to cook from scratch. 

Supplements from the functional doctor have taken off some weight, and people are remarking I am "looking better" even though I don't feel like it. Having some major nutritional problems dealt with have helped my life. I have to figure out where to find 25 dollars for some mythelated B vitamins. If I could afford the dietary changes he wants, some more positive changes would happen.  A good friend bought me some supplements, I was happy for that. We have had other good friends help us with other things too. 

My husband says he's going to a job fair next week. Labor shortage? What a joke. I think that's a lie too. We have so many businesses closing here, this town is turning into a ghost town. It's really scary. the regular locals are noticing. Sometimes I catch others who hate the gentrification and catering to second home millionaires too. Another restaurant closed on the corner. I've counted at least 12 restaurants closing. We drive by endless empty buildings.  I think all the poor and working class have been priced out of this town so the restaurant people can't get workers and only the rich can afford to eat out. Some of the cheaper take-out places are okay.  I wonder if I should move out of state at times, but with no money to travel, moving somewhere sight unseen is a bit more frightening. I've done extensive research on states that have cheap rent. There's one I found where some small towns have apartments that are 400-500 a month in rent. I'm holding out for the disability apartment. I wanted to know towns where my disability check could keep me off the street.

There's weird rules too with housing, you can break a lease to go into disabled subsidized housing but you must live there at least 13 months, so even as I consider a "gap" apartment or rented room to bridge the time until my subsidized apartment comes up, this rule seems to mean gutting it out here is the best choice, however I don't know how high they are going to raise the rent.

Rent and all the prices keep shooting up. Biden is the worse president ever. The worse thing to me is all the gaslighting, as we suffer at the grocery store, these liberals all claim the economy is great and deny our reality. Democratic party at least had Roosevelt, can't imagine a guy like that coming along now who actually plans to stop American suffering. This creep would rather war monger and send billions overseas while gaslighting us about how great the economy is.

I know some friends and others may vote for Biden to keep Trump out. Politics is so complicated now. I have friends who support Trump too. I won't give you a hard time. It all confuses me more and more.

America has become a scary country. I think this place had some good ideas with Constitution, Bill of Rights, freedom and more, but corruption has ruined this place. Love of money has made us poorer and the culture is in free-fall. You can see new trends the elite are pushing like "shared housing" and other things that will bring them more profit.  Other countries and governments while corrupt they at least seem to care about their people a bit, unlike this one that seems out to destroy us. I often wish I had been born into a country where I got to have a heritage or traditions or something to hold on to. I don't think life is that great in America anymore, even if some places are poorer, they have better food and far more community. Some are noticing like this guy, but I don't think Communism is going to fix it either. The elite want their money whatever political system they choose to impose. When life is nothing but a competition factory, social ties die. 
 
The streets are filling with the homeless. We ARE in a Depression. Sure the news isn't talking about it. Even in this rich town, when I go to food pantries where the cars are lined up, it is 4 times the amount of people than from 6-7 years ago, the last time I was using food pantries. Don't delude yourself, or believe CNN's crap or MSMs lies, the economy sucks. They know it works to isolate the poor and bullshit us, otherwise some would probably be out in the streets protesting the rising prices. 

I feel like the train is heading down the tracks, my eyes are glazed, wondering if it will run me over soon. I am so tired.  I have to prevent homelessness no matter what. If I become homeless I will die, I can't even get off the ground like a normal person.  My husband is under the gun with a medically fragile wife, who can't just hit the streets and hike from one shelter to the next. He is a good husband who will try and do what he can or find help. They are putting the screws to us both though, people in a vise, they want to squish all the juice [money] out of. My earlier trauma related to poverty has been written about on this blog. I am tried of my husband being overworked, and tired too, always chained to that computer. No vacation in 25 years. It's insane. We didn't ask for much in this world, just a simple apartment, decent food, some community etc.

I did talk about us downgrading everything to my husband. Live like Hetty Green, erase the worries but once you escape the roaches, and risk of violent crimes, you don't want to go back. Remote rural places didn't have specialists I needed though I preferred them. Boarding houses always have the rooms upstairs. Sometimes you are too ill to deal with roommates or staying clean enough for people you'd rent a room from, it's a lot of stress. 

I did our budget, just a few years ago we could survive on 1900-2000 a month and did. I had written out budgets, I knew the figures. That's not true anymore. The costs are so vast, we have lost even before we got started. I spoke of moving into rental rooms or very cheap areas, but just hit a barrier after another. We ended up staying here for my access to specialists and his own medical care. Maybe that was a bad decision.  Sadly my old small town because there is a college there, the rent stayed high, it's around 100-200 below rent here, but not enough for real savings.         

 Some talk about hard work but then they always seem to have a place to do that.  Some did work hard, but then others worked and there was no reward. I think of the newspaper jobs my husband had when I was in my 30s and our future looked a lot brighter. He was an assistant editor at a small-town newspaper and even got the copy ad writer job here that he lost, and then everything came apart. I still never got over that time. The door to any stability was shut for good.

You think about the lost opportunities and even thinking what I could have done for others. You get tired of always being the one in need. My art show was only possible because my husband had a better contract job by chance during that time. It wasn't huge money but allowed for a little bit of money to have that art show.  The lives of others seem like wonderland, I know many show off on Facebook, but they get to make memories, see people and "get things done". I just want to live in peace now, I don't care about being rich or even middle class but this constant feeling of 'being under threat" it needs to be gone. I'm tired of having punishment threatened on endless fronts because there's not enough money. [No electricity for you, you get to go die!] [No compression supplies for you, now your legs will get worse] and now it's [No home, for you because we raised the rent, you get to go die!] There's people worse off threatened with even worse. 

 Getting old with no money is scary as hell.  How many opportunities have been lost. Even now I think of the health gains I could obtain, via things money could bring. A kind friend got some of my needed supplements. 

Ok I am disabled, I won't be raking it in, but why does it have to be this bad? And it's worse for far more others.  I wanted to move to Appalachia and live on nothing and be around other poor people, living in a world you don't fit in is hard. The techno middle class and above world doesn't want us. We don't look the right way, we don't have the right clothes or personalities. My husband works hard, I'm always working on some project.

I could be happy being poor but they never seem to leave you alone. Like you are never allowed to just be and be genteel poor, going to the library, doing medical duties, and appointments and resting and maybe a little volunteer work if health allows, but now they just seem like they want to crush us all. It seems never ending. The middle class is noticing all their money is disappearing too. People even making 100,000 a year have told me directly how their rent and medical costs are insane, and every dollar is being plucked out of their pockets. Hey they have more money but I know when you get money in this society, they raise the hoops for you to jump over. 

Those who grow up poor probably are better off than those who grew up around money. They learn more survival skills I lacked too early.  I remember the waste of money in front of me as a child which drives me nuts thinking about it. Do people in America realize how the "great reset" is destroying the quality of our lives, how they are tightening the screws to take everything away from us including community, hobbies, and hope? It's all gone very wrong. Some of us old people remember how things used to be, young people are being denied so many joys of life from this "new" economic system that only rewards the 1 percent.  I know loving parents don't want their children to live in poverty when they grow up. What happened to the quality and meaning of life? Human beings were meant to be more than commodities.