She Destroyed My Winning of The School Reading Contest

Above is the actual book, I hid that with the comics journal too and STILL have it.

This is a strange memory that returned recently.

When I was young, I was considered very gifted. I had aced some of those tests they give young children and I was able to read adult books by the age of 7. I remember my mother getting pissed when my third grade level teacher told her I was gifted.

My undealt with Aspergers helped with some of these skills but there was many other detriments I had to deal with.

My school held a school wide reading contest, it was based on whatever kid read the most books over a set period of time won. This was a test designed for me. I was a voracious reader and hung out at the library as much as possible.

I won the school contest and they had an awards ceremony, my mother was there. They gifted me this new book and gave me a certificate. My mother started screaming at my teachers about how the book they chose for my prize was way below my reading level and embarrassed me. The book, I still have it, was an illustrated African folk tale. I liked it a lot. She of course didn't. She ranted and raved about this book, waving it over her head. She didn't compliment me on winning or anything else, she just wanted to fight.

So I started crying and all the teachers were disgusted and angry. I am sure this is what she wanted, to destroy the pleasant life I at least shared with some teachers and the joy of learning.

She ruined one of the few shining moments I had during childhood as a lonely little Aspie bookworm.

The path to destruction was on it's way.

No More Fawning Fat Woman

http://pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm

The other day I yelled at someone in front of 40 people and did not care. I would do it again too. Sometimes I think the years of disrespect and being housed in a very socially hated body have gotten to me. While I am too big for most people to get in my face and overtly abuse me, and got some bearing during my Chicago years to avoid the worse abuses, there is still that "subtle covert" abuse crap to contend with. I notice some neurotypicals are really into their unwritten rules and if you dare breach their endless rules they go nuts, and are in your face. There is also the tinge of ableism here. Why couldn't I be left in peace while I was helping?

 There are times I have weird thoughts to myself about what it would mean to be "accepted" and I dwell far too negatively upon the lot of my life, and how life would have been far better if I had a "normal body" or had a "normal amount of money". The grief over lack of status in life seems worse when one is older. I've realized since these moments of self castigation are not doing me any favors, but it seems, when I calm down and feel in peace within myself, something always happens to make it too known that people do not "see me" like others.

We went to the food co-op, and my husband was in a hurry as usual which irritates me, I am not angry at him but his endless legion of meetings and responsibilities for so little seems to bear down on me.  He tells me, "We got to be out of here by 6:00 pm" and "You gotta go with me" to a board meeting he has to report on just with the pressures of time. Sometimes it feels weird to me, he has to interview these well-heeled people with suburban houses, and secure jobs, and here we are struggling at the food pantry and food co-op. This is one of those weeks between car repairs, and paper work, even I am tired, wondering why a disabled woman has to do so much "work" taking a jaundiced eye at the blown up kitchen, that has a pile of mess in there just for me making some chicken breasts with salad and rice. When I am not housebound, I try to help him with some stuff. I'm supposed to show up at the food coop at least some of the time.

Anyhow since he is in a hurry, at the food co-op, I thought I would help unpack some boxes and get things moving.  Being disabled I have rules about "moving around". If I can breathe I want to move a little bit.  I would be fatter if I never moved and that is always in the back of my mind.

That day was a "good" COPD day so I figure why not. The food co-op run by a church has us unbox our own food. I'm too weak to unload the boxes but can take some of the food and put it in the baskets they use to separate the food.

 I can tell they do not want me helping. I tried helping and because there was a few baskets that still needed meat and I was keeping my eye on those, this guy gets in my face, and tells me, "to stop what I am doing". It makes no sense to me as later, others will repeat my action of putting cereal into the baskets, but I notice my mere presence seems to be pissing people off and it makes me angry. So I let the anger show and I say "Leave me the hell alone" and "Get out of my face".  I later worry I will be thrown out of the food co-op. This guy who looks healthy enough to have a good factory job, stomps off, and complains about me.

 Some weird rule about all baskets need to be filled with the meat first so things "are not crushed" is announced to the group. There was never any danger of the cereal being crushed or anything like that.  We had no soft bread or crackers among the canned goods and boxed things. I had broken some "neurotypical" rule and also broken the rule as a disabled woman, I am not supposed to do anything or "take intiative" and just "passively watch".  Because I am seen as "low status", some guy decides to tell me what to do like he is my factory foreman.

I don't regret standing up for myself. I think next time I will be "left alone". It is weird to me when adults run off to tattle, like they are 12.

It has occurred to me because of my weight and state of being in the world, people just see me in the way. I am "not liked". It does disturb me.  One does not want to go through life being "hated" just for being physically present, but that to be honest with you all, is the fate of the severely obese.  Why sugar coat it? This stuff needs stood up against, for any change.

It is ironic, because if I "gave up" like they all claim we do, I'd never leave the house, I would not be able to walk. I wonder if that happens to some severely fat people because the endless bullcrap one is forced to put up with breaks one soul. It is getting to me. I am drawing stronger boundaries on myself, I have to. I don't want to put up with it.

I hit my late 40s and got tired of being pushed aside. Sure all us ACONS worry about fleas and there is that piece of me thinking "Quit being selfish" but I got pushed into being part of the wallpaper too long. Why did this guy think he had the right to order me around, I was OLDER then he was.

When I did all this no contact thing, it changed me. I used to fawn like hell to make up for being so fat, to make up for being me. There was always a smile for everyone. It also made me more of prey.  In Chicago, I did have to learn to fight some to survive, it was fight or be squished, and that changed me, but the mode of people pleasing remained overall intact.  How did the jolly fat person thing get started, oh we had to smile all the time not to get beaten up? I'm just not in the mood to be that person anymore. 

Evil Lives Here

I watch a lot of crime shows on Investigation Discovery and also the TV show 48 hours. When surrounded by evil people and considering the work I used to do with violent and criminal teens, the examination of evil in this life becomes of interest.  This is a new one I discovered a few weeks ago called Evil Lives Here. If one wants to watch a primer on malignant narcissists and sociopaths that go into full criminality and murder, here is your show. What should scare you is this show details the ones who actually got caught, if you think of the numbers doing their swathe of destruction unencumbered. The show asks "What if the person closest to you was a devil in disguise—would you see the signs?"

Many of us ACONs know about devils in disguise first hand. Not all malignant narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths include actual physical murder beyond all the soul murder among their list of evil deeds, but some do.

The show I saw was called "She Made Me Do It" where a young boy has an evil sociopathic mother talk him into murdering his father. The show is very sad because they interview the real man, who is now middle aged and out of prison and full of remorse. It shows how the mother worked on him night and day and threatened him with abandonment and worse and even got his brother to murder their grandmother. The mother is crazy trying to poison the father for years and controls both sons until later when the grandmother's murder is discovered and they all go to prison.

This video above is of a show about an evil brother called "My Brother's Secrets". This guy is definitely a full blown psychopath. When his brother Sean details, that Patrick will take whatever he wanted without fear of repercussions, that definitely is a sign of his lack of conscience. Patrick doesn't care about any punishment. One thing about pyschopaths/sociopaths is their lack of fear, that definitely is a marker for them. They don't care about what is right and wrong. Sociopaths love to torture others, Patrick locks Sean in a trunk. Sean says at that point, "If he had sympathy, I don't think he did.".

Sean says "I don't recall him ever apologizing to me ever". These types do not apologize as they believe themselves never to be wrong. Later it is discovered his brother is a serial killer. It scares me when the mother says of Patrick, "It never was a choice for him, it was a urge." I don't think so, people choose to be evil. Sean details how he feels his mother chose Patrick over him. Even the mother admits he never felt remorseful.

Mama June Hopes to Redeem Herself Via Weight Loss

There's a lot more wrong with this woman then being fat since she dated a child molester back in 2014.  She even had her show canceled over this scandal. It looks like she had weight loss surgery. It gets disgusting when our society parades the worse people as being so "much better now" just because they happened to lose weight. Of course Honey Boo Boo was part of the cultural meme, of mocking poor fat people to the masses as they sold things like high fructose sugar drinks in the grocery store.

Sunset

Picture by me from last month.

When People Can't Afford Medical Bills

 US Health Care: Patients are Literally Begging for Money to Pay Bills.

I used to watch Breaking Bad.

I'm not the most pious person, I still watch Better Call Saul.  I told my husband that show teaches situational ethics once, but then I told him I understood how someone could fall to the dark side in desperation from terminal cancer and major medical bills. However Walter White makes a hideous descent into full blown evil.

One thing that scares me is I keep seeing people having benefits to pay medical bills, this kid got cancer and they are having a spaghetti dinner at a local church.  The dinners average around 10 dollars. Dozens of those posters are all over. I never can afford those dinners, if we are eating out, I want lunch and the aim is for around 5 bucks each, with coupons in tow.  This one upper middle class family I know, the father of the family got pancreatic cancer, and they are doing Dialing for Dollars and "Go Fund Me" pages and he had a good enough job that would have health insurance. These are nice people, will they be poor like me soon since the one working man of the house has fallen ill?It scares me that this man who made at least 90,000 a year, is now needing to do fund raising for cancer.

Why do Americans think this is okay? There's medical care I choose to put off or forgo, due to costs. I haven't seen my dermatologist in two years, I wanted to see a specialist for my mouth sores but have put it off. There's times with flu and various other problems I have wanted to go to the ER but unless I am acutely dying or once lost all my hearing and another time I had a softball growing out of my face, I stayed home. I don't want to know what people with cancer are being charged. If I get cancer, I think I will take my chances with apricot seeds and some sour sop leaves.

A spaghetti dinner wouldn't even cover one month of my medical bills and I haven't needed to go to the hospital in a while and haven't had any major scans since my annual kidney scan in July. How do we get all these Republicans in this country who act like everyone should just go die in the gutter? I went to go protest for Social Security and Medicare again, and wrote "SAY NO TO TOM PRICE" on the protest sign but they confirmed him anyway. They must have cooked the votes, because I don't see enough Scrooge McDucks around to put these people in.

My old IFB pastor from the nicer church in my old town, tried to tell me on Facebook that Canada had horrible medical care and all these people his Canadian wife knew had died, but I said, "Better some medical care then none"! I pointed out my own husband's ten year's lack of medical insurance and he didn't even try to argue those points. I told him I WISHED I lived in Canada now.  Are all those stories of Canadians dropping like flies because of waiting lists are over-exaggerated? He's got his boat and 4 kids and supports a non-working wife without a hiccup. The hospital hounded me so bad over 20 bucks it was insane. I paid them the beginning of this month.  I have so many medical bills and can barely keep track of them all. If they do nasty stuff to Medicare, I am not going to be able to stay alive.

I limited my visits to my lymph therapist to two visits to afford them. I have noticed you don't get as long to pay as you used to. What is scary while things are bad for me, some of the basics are covered well at least for now. I hear people with jobs that don't pay very much or poor insurance being told they have to come up with 5,000 dollars to pay for life saving surgeries. Some I am sure simply don't have the money. My husband was told to pay for a vein surgery once, some up front amount he never could afford, he simply went without.Today I shocked someone saying I got pills from the Internet before when I slid through the cracks, there was no choice, back then. The company was legal, but every medication was a generic from overseas. Today, that would not be doable, I'm on three "namebrand" medications without generics. Sometimes I have wanted to wean myself off various medication but with these three, staying alive comes first.

I tend to think a for profit medical system is a bit insane. Like lives themselves are on the chopping block if you can't come up with the cash. Insurance isn't the same way it used to be. When my husband had jobs in the early 2000s, I had supplemental insurance through his jobs, and we know today there is nowhere near that kind of insurance now and the deductibles far far far higher. Americans are used to doctors getting rich, which I don't think is happening as much as it used to, and to expect a certain quality care, but it freaks me out, that Americans now are having to beg for money every time there is a very severe illness. Something is wrong with that. 

Sweet Tea That was Brown Colored Sugar Water

I sometimes get juice from food pantries.

The other day I got this "Sweet Tea" advertising itself as having real sugar, and not high fructose corn syrup which it had detailed on the package from one food pantry.

I decided to have a sip, hoping for something that tasted like tea and followed my usual habit of watering it down to add flavor to my water. Out of curiosity, I took 1 sip of the stuff, and it was so sweet, I was grossed out. I tasted nothing of tea, it was like someone had added 10 cups of sugar to a litre of water and colored it brown. Beggars can't be choosers, but I uncorked that one and poured it down the drain, it had no redeeming value.

It shocks me that they are selling stuff with no flavor except for that of sugar. The food pantries even passed out something called "Bug Juice" which seems to be sold to kids and I don't touch that stuff, it's high fructose corn syrup added to water with dye, according to the ingredients and NOTHING else, and they wonder why so many people are getting sick here?