Advice From a Good Mother

Mom's List of Don'ts

"To my daughter,

Don't apologize when someone else bumps into you.

Don't say "sorry to be such a pain." You're not a pain. You're a person with thoughts and feelings who deserves respect.

Don't make up reasons as to why you can't go out with a guy you don't wanna go out with. You don't owe anyone an explanation. A simple "no thanks" should be acceptable.

Don't overthink what you eat in front of people. If you're hungry, eat, and eat what you want. If you want pizza, don't get a salad just because other people are around. Order the damn pizza.

Don't keep your hair long to make someone else happy.

Don't wear a dress if you don't want to.

Don't stay home because you don't have anyone to go out with. Take yourself out. Have experiences by yourself and for yourself.

Don't hold back your tears. Crying means you're feeling something that needs to get out. It's not a weakness. It's being human.

Don't smile because someone told you to.

Don't be afraid to laugh at your own jokes.

Don't say "yes" to be polite. Say "no" because it's your life.

Don't hide your opinions. Speak up and speak loudly. You should be heard.

Don't apologize for being who you are. Be brave and bold and beautiful. Be unapologetically you."

Queen Spider told me the opposite of everything on this list. With the first one, she would drag me out of the way of strangers who were 10 feet away. Just grab me and push so they always had the right of way, this told me, that strangers meant far more to her then I did.  Many ACONs it was their destiny to spend their lives making excuses for their existence. This is a mother who cares about her daughter and wants her to be happy. Dresses are cool though, the same would apply for those who want you to wear jeans every minute and who demand you wear short hair when you do not want to.

Elder Goths

The reality of Elder Goths

Since I left fundamentalism, I've been listening to more music again. I realized I still dressed "goth" to an extent, people used to ask me why I dressed like it was 1890. Because it was cooler? LOL When I get a new dress, it will be black.

I was a fat goth

I see my MLD therapist this week

I am planning to talk to my MLD therapist about going into short term rehab. I would have to see if insurance would pay for it. When the therapists wrapped me, they got my legs very thin, I just manage to keep them from growing bigger. My body is getting more swollen and in pain. The Flexitouch helps but the litany of wrapping and swelling is wearing me out. She probably is going to tell me all my bandages have worn out, but I will be able to get them all replaced when I see her. A kind friend gave me some Tubigrip, she saved my ability to keep wrapping. All this stuff wears out. It is insane.

I have concerns about my mobility. I got my sugars in good control cooking like crazy, and having more food money for vegetables this week, under 120 daily for fasting, but weight loss obviously I am getting no where outside of taking a teeny bit off and working not to gain. My concerns about my mobility are growing, my legs hurt a lot, and it seems I am getting injuries a lot just from walking around normally.

I don't want to go into long term rehab or end up in a nursing home. One fact people don't know, is because of how insurance works for disabled people, this means losing your apartment, and becoming homeless. I just wonder if they can get my legs down really small in a rehab situation but then there's this issue, of how would I "keep" them that way, when I do the best I can now? It is complicated. Weight loss has gotten weird, as all my clothes are falling off the top of me, and don't fit right, but it's not showing up on the scale with the swollen lower body that grows and swells the more I do.  So I need new clothes too.

Taking Another Art Class

recent painting, sorry it's tilted. This painting actually looks better in life. I was doing some painting layers on it that succeeded. I may sell it but have to get a better picture of it. I may keep it too for an art show. One painting I recently donated to a charity auction.

I'm taking another art class. I plan to start two paintings today and we will have some free working time in class tomorrow.. One is a fall scene, and another of a giant flower. I may paint a political painting too, that has war protesters in it. Lately, I want to try and break out of the traditional subjects in painting and talked to my new art teachers about that. Years ago I would paint some weird and goth stuff but then I went more traditional.

One was a college art professor for thirty years, I am eager to see what he says about art. I did reveal my art past in this class during introductions of when I used to be an art teacher for such a short time. Some other older retired art teachers who had far longer careers got the same idea. One thing that troubles me, is I never have been able to break into the traditional art world. When I saw the "Members Show" at the local art center, I thought, "How did they manage to get in?" Some of my work I hope would be good enough to get in. I have always wanted to get into a regular art show but outside of school ones when young and my own several "Do it yourself" affairs, I have not managed it. Yes, the fees and framing and other financial concerns were a major barrier.

If You are Disabled: The Republican Party is Your Enemy

                                     [one of my latest protest posters]

Well I know they are trying to repeal ACA again, and along with it, trying to make massive cuts to Medicare and Medicaid. The jerks don't want to give up! I don't know how anyone can support the Republican party anymore unless they have a serious lack of empathy. It would be different if the Republican party offered any other options but "Go die". Trump was pissed at McCain today. The big baby narcissist is ranting and raving on his low IQ and vocabulary tweets. It seems brain cancer has given McCain a little bit of empathy that Trump lacks. I am hoping Trumpcare fails again.


A Shift to Block Grants is a Threat to People with Disabilities

When You are Starting From Scratch

                   [picture by me]

  Part II: Never Get Involved in Abusive Relationships Again

"I think many survivors feel as if they have lived in a war zone, and after it is all over, they feel as though they are thrown into a cold desert as well. It is not an easy ride, and is quite painful for most of us."

Lise posted a good article, on dealing with the "cold desert" after leaving all your abusers and avoiding new ones. This is great advice. We must look for people who have feelings, and are not Cluster B. Sometimes it scares me how I had to go "scorched earth" to remove abusers from my life. Every relationship that I held in common with my mother was tainted beyond repair. There was so many people. I do have relief being away from them all. As I meet new people, I do ponder many things. I want nice people with emotions, not people out to fix me. I have met many new great friends online, and met one and her husband in real life that lives long distance. I also met someone who lives closer online as well. My body keeps getting in the way of social things locally but I have met some new nice acquaintances and kept contact with other friends who are kind.

It can hurt when you suspect "friends" see you the same way as your family did, and even as you remove yourself from the relationships, you do think of the "sunk costs" into friends who never cared. Even then the only solution is to walk. You are never going to get emotion from a stone. You are fixing the training of decades that set you up with toxic people. 

At least now, I am getting smarter about what to look for in people. Since leaving fundamentalism, I do feel more open to other people and not stuck with such a rigid world view, that only served to freeze people out. I never was a prig, but the whole religious wall thing was always there. I have been able to examine myself more too. I want "empaths" and people who have feelings, love, care and compassion.  I have found some, and what a world of difference there is.

Lise links to an article, where it points out the main two qualities of toxic people, "They lack empathy and they are manipulative". It serves as a guide to help people to know what to look for when they are back out in the world trying to rebuild their lives after abuse recovery. We have to be cautious not to let any new narcissists, sociopaths or Cluster Bs back into our lives.

The Heat That Never Ends

I'm housebound and it is Sept 24th. It is supposed to be very humid and hot and in the mid-80s. Something is very wrong with that picture. I am going to miss an annual stamp show today which I always go to. I live in the "north", not the south, and I have been at one of these stamp shows before where a few snow flurries have shown up. I hope as the stamp show people roast today in their un-air conditioned segment of the rural senior center, they move things back to October for next year. I hope none of those mostly elderly people get sick from the heat. This weather is dangerous.

My mind has changed about global warming and climate change. I am realizing in my past IFB/fundamentalist Christian circles, the taint of anti-science, and disbelief even when it came to evidence. How are people believing it is all a lie, and refusing to explain to themselves what they see first hand?

I am worried about making it to an art class next week. The high that day will be 82/83 degrees. I'll go early and probably wheeze and throw up to get there or home, but it is important I make it.  Yes I will push, because I got a scholarship and it was supposed to be one of my main activities this fall. At least it is air conditioned. The weather has become so punishing. My life is being destroyed by bad weather. I've been stuck indoors for an entire week. The housebound thing gets frustrating. Heat never relents. I told my husband we need to move more north, maybe 6 months of severe winter and having 6 months being able to live, is better then this. We don't have money to move. Go much further north in my state, you are entering wilderness. This weather makes me angry.

There's been so many hurricanes this year, the USA is becoming a constant disaster zone. When I was young weather wasn't always so horrible or a nightmare every second. Fall came with it's multiple colors and leaves fell. Last year, my state in the north didn't even have fall. I usually take pictures of some leaves and last year it was not possible. When the leaves were green in mid to late October, I felt a very ominous feeling. It didn't feel right. There was one moment I was crying over the loss of fall. No one around me seemed to notice or care, and that bothered me. I feel like crying now because fall hasn't shown up. Fall used to be my favorite season, and now it doesn't exist.