"Adult Siblings Who Turn A Blind Eye to the Scapegoat's Abuse"

"Adult Siblings Who Turn A Blind Eye to the Scapegoat's Abuse"

"Why? Because they can. The scapegoated child has been earmarked for abuse by the narcissist. In the mind of the narcissist, the scapegoat is a fundamentally flawed individual, and a faulty appliance. They just do not understand why the scapegoat continues to challenge their authority, and won’t allow themselves to be controlled.

The scapegoated child’s siblings have been brainwashed into believing the narcissist’s faulty perception of this child. These siblings are trained by the narcissistic parent to peck peck peck at the scapegoated child, to pick them to bits, and to hold their sins under a microscope.

In all of this chaos, nobody nurtures the scapegoat. Scapegoats’ endure a horrendous amount of abuse. So much so, they often come out of the narcissistic family with a crushed spirit, and internal wounds so horrendous that they often struggle terribly in their adult life. Once all is said and done, scapegoated children almost always end up playing out the same relationship dynamic they did with their abusive parent, with narcissistic friends and narcissistic partners.

It doesn’t stop there. Once adulthood arrives, scapegoat victims almost always continue to be victimised and blamed for all of the chaos in the narcissistic family unit. More often than not, they end up being victim’s of family mobbing, are forced out of the family, and decide to go ‘No Contact’.

The narcissistic parent teaches the children early on that everything about the scapegoat is wrong, and that they are crazy. The scapegoat’s siblings subconsciously take on this false perception, and look down upon the scapegoat for the same sins they themselves engage in daily. These sins are picked to bits, and are often the presenting reason as to why a narcissistic parent, and a narcissistic golden child often will turn the entire family against the scapegoat in adulthood."

Parenting Exposed has a lot of good articles, and this is one. Allies are very rare for a scapegoat that crawls out wounded from a narcissistic family. I lived this one too. My siblings are so controlled by my mother where her good will and approval comes first above anything else in life. When my brother cussed me out, he was angry because first and foremost, he was angry he had failed in carrying out Mommy's orders. He had never tried to contact me in two and half years.

 It can be scary for a scapegoat who disengages from the parental narcissists, to then turn and face the betrayal of the siblings. I had some memories return about my siblings too. With my brother, my mother used him as a secondary enforcer. My father would hit me but then my brother would threaten it too, and often get away with it. There were times I had to fight back hard, and sometimes I wonder what would have become of me if I had been a person of smaller stature and weaker will.

His threat to come "slap" me was something that happened all the time when I was young. It creeps me out how as a teen I had to fight like a man just to stay alive in my family and was treated like one. The forced masculinization of Meg on Family Guy doesn't surprise me either. That may be one aspect of scapegoating for females, where our femininity is denied.

 My mother's abuse was always backed up by my sister's. They are same. One close friend of mine hearing about my brother's threats said to me, "Your siblings are nuts!" and he is right.

 For a scapegoat being thrown under the bus is the norm. When we go no contact, this is one reason it often ends up being with the entire family. Here too, no one is interested in listening, talking things out or ever daring to see things from the perspective of the scapegoat. Get away from anyone who treats you like this even if you feel like no one will be left. These siblings have been brainwashed and it's impossible for you to bring them out of it. Even after the head narcissist dies, they will be incapable of change.

copying enemies | the after-effects of abuse

New Ways of Living

Freedom opened up for me when I realized I didn't have to "try" so hard anymore and no longer had to try to fit and mold myself into their box. I'm more fully entering the peace stage of no contact where you feel relief and are just living your life the best you can. The happier days grew in number. I am a far happier and more mellow person. Even not so long ago I would have thought this was impossible. Can I still deal with problems like power outages and and health problems sure. but I do try and focus on the aspects of life I enjoy and spend time with people who are kind, and nice, and all these wonderful things. No more scrambling and banging my head on a brick wall of narcissists and mean people. If you get very late into no contact, you do ask yourself, "Why'd I put up with it?" but I don't even blame myself for that, I was trained to live and be a certain way, and the path of freedom can be in realizing life can be different. You have the right and place to say "This ends now" and to step off the "crazy making" carousel. It is time to do what one desires and chooses and make a life of their own choosing. Going no contact can begin a process of foundational changes in one's life and belief system. You are allowed to consider what is possible.

Questioning the Concept of Family

I posted this on a message board, some people thought it was an interesting question.

Is it weird that I hate the concepts of families now and consider the "family" to be a primitive biological prison, that I hope humans evolve beyond? My husband to play devil's advocate talks about "brave new world" and Utopian commune solutions that failed when I bring this subject up. I think the tribes probably had the best system where one was not limited to nuclear families but had others, but many tribes and native cultures did not develop the numbers of psychopaths like we have in this one, or had ways to deal with them.

 Also one thing I have noticed is the family seems to be the crucible of so much pain in our society ranging from child abuse to other violence, alcoholism, cut-throat competition, extreme authoritarianism coupled with religious programming and just plain misery. For most people who are related to their families, does DNA determine any true camaraderie? Imagine a world where a child could leave a family perhaps knowing there may be another they 'fit into" better. I know these are just some strange thoughts off the top of my head.

What's On Your Refrigerator?

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 "On a very local scale, a refrigerator is the center of the universe. On the inside is food essential to life, and on the outside of the door is a summary of the life events of the household." Robert Fulghum 

Have you ever seen one of those refrigerators plastered in magnets? I have. I had a grandmother who had a "magnet" collection on her refrigerator, the entire refrigerator was covered. The magnets were of roosters, places she's been, Disney characters, Charlie Brown and Snoopy, plastic fruit ones, alphabet letters and even magnets that could hold photos. When I was a kid, I would go and rearrange all those magnets. She didn't like that always but sometimes when she was in a good mood, she would let me "re-arrange" the fridge magnets.

 I've seen other refrigerators that were much different. Some were covered in papers, mostly events and things that were happening while others served as their children's art gallery. The drawings plastering the whole fridge were of young hands making turkeys and crayon stick figures of Mom and Dad. One friend's refrigerator years ago was plastered in cut out comic-strips, they liked Calvin and Hobbes and Far Side, oddly they had plastered the downstairs bathroom with comics too, taped to the wall almost like an extension of the fridge. Still another friend, had a giant wall calendar stuck to the front of the fridge they were an organized person. She also kept an organized list of what foods she had run out of. I've also known people with blank refrigerators, with nothing on them.

 Years ago I read a book called Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About Your Life by Sam Gosling a psychologist from the University of Texas. This book was very interesting to me. He wrote that that people who were more open, had more books, CDs and DVDS and more eclectic collections then less open people. Artists were more adventurous by far in their surroundings and were taste definers while others stayed with the mainstream.

 Years ago I got in a discussion with a friend, and said, you know you can tell a lot about a person from what their house or apartments looks like, do they have books, is it messy, is it clean? Is the place decorated or do you have white walls staring you down with nothing to look at? Just like one can read handwriting, where bubbly letters point to extroversion and slanted left writing can speak of anger, one can read surroundings to figure people out. One can read everything from social class to hobbies to personality. The same also goes for the refrigerator, it is a micro-cosm of looking at the entire home.

 A short-hand way to get a quick look at what someone is all about. It's interesting to see everyone's refrigerator door, you can learn a lot about a person about what's on their fridge, are they a sports nut? Do they keep shopping lists? Do they have a busy schedule or a more laid back one? Are they politically active? Refrigerators are to adults like folders are to kids in school. We drew all over our folders and put stickers on them. It was a personal statement.

 The refrigerator being where the food and cold drinks are held, is the center of many homes. It is the first stage bulletin board. Before smart phones, it sometimes served as a message center for various families and a place to leave notes. Years ago I even had a marker board attached to the fridge, but it wore out and broke. I wouldn't mind another. I could write myself reminders on there. I'm a list maker and lists often cover my refrigerator. "Get the car oiled changed" is on a list I left on there.

Here is a poster I made, all this stuff has hung on my fridge at one time and most of it I took it off the other day. Included are a cartoon I drew--I kept journals for years in comic form and this is my character sitting on the beach and here's another one I drew. I have a lot of medical junk on my fridge, I threw up acouple of those on here, but the phone numbers and other things I have to remember is a lot. There's a few magnets, political and otherwise. This brochure is of a new store they opened, they were suppose to sell antiques, I haven't gotten over there yet. This one is of a local comic con, I went to. So my refrigerator shows a lot of my interests. Sometimes we clear off our fridge completely. I wonder what that represents where I just decide to wipe it clean, but then I am usually shoving all the needed pictures, information and paper left overs into folders, or other boxes. Maybe that's a period of transition, wipe the refrigerator clean and then start over.

 Did you know there's a website called Check Their Fridge? Look up checktheirfridge.com Pictures of people's refrigerators are shown and analyzed to see if they would make good dates. Is the new wannabe boyfriend a nice guy? They look inside the fridges at what food they have and how messy they are. Sometimes they do look at the pictures and magnets on the fridge. It's interesting to see what they say about people's refrigerators both inside and out. I find myself thinking some of their predictions are accurate.

[this was done as a reading at my local UU church, it did make me think a lot about what I saw on the front of my own refrigerator and that of others]

Nancy Grows Up

I've gotten into Nancy comics from the 1940s, some of them are pretty insightful. Of course Nancy didn't know of :"Big is Beautiful" back then!

Nancy is Happy Tumblr

Squash Watercolor