I have to admit I got tired of being told everything I said, did and felt "was wrong". One thing about me people will soon figure out, I do not follow the crowd. I have viewpoints that in many circles have made me the enemy. So I am used to this. A born again Christian with certain beliefs already gets the steam roller of mainstream public opinion coming to crush them. Even being a Christian in today's world means you are hated and Jesus Christ warned about this.
Narcissists always have the way paved for them and there is a WORLD full of people who defend them. Why do narcissists get the defense while their victims are treated like dirt? If anything a person who has dealt with abusers, is always told they are the ones who need to forgive, while the narcissist is never called out to repent or to treat people better. One sign of our narcissistic society is how they have dirtied the very name "victim" to mean something bad. Victims are told they are at fault and that they are bad people for being victims in the first place. You will see websites that will scream "Don't be a Victim!" which in essence means the perpetrators of human misery are to earn more respect. Victims are labeled as "bad", "weak" and "deserving of punishment" while their abusers get off free. Many narcs become narcs thinking "I'm going to be the winner, and 'get them', before they get me."
In the political and religious debate world, there is one thing that is used to shut down all conversation upon people who separate from the herd, and often that one thing is calling someone a HATER. The politically correct crowd uses this one all the time to shut up any messages about reality they do not want to hear. Instead of dealing with the message that is said, the main agenda is to label the person with the message as "bad". Because the controllers of this world are mostly narcissists and sociopaths themselves, I do believe there is an agenda, to prevent us underlings from having too honest of a discussion about evil. I can see "change agents" making sure open discussions about the wicked or what to do about them don't go too far. This is why I believe one well known narcissist tries to promote the idea of sympathy for narcissists. There are other websites too that promote that idea. I was on a Facebook group myself for ACONs where that idea was pushed. Anyone expressing any degree of anger [righteous] towards an abuser were told they were "wrong".
The same powers that be that use propaganda to sell people on the idea of endless wars in the Middle East to bankrupt America, also will use propaganda to make the way easier for the narcs and sociopaths. That means accountability is repressed and false forgiveness is promoted for the wicked in society. In a world where corruption rules, they want to keep people naive and thinking they are to blame when someone treats them bad. On a certain blog, I parted ways with, it concerned me deeply when there were articles written about the "poor suffering narcs" and "narcissists who can be cured". Every ACON blog admits lesser narcs and coverts exist but our subject matter is the ones without a conscience. These things worried me because I started thinking is this another place where victims will soon be shamed? Will this be another place ACONs are told to submit.
There are websites who will tell you to forgive your narcs. Therapists will say reconcile. Many will shame people telling them they will become eaten up with "hatred" and "bitterness" if they do not forgive and forget. Some even write that holding the no contact position is wrong.
I forgave over and over only to crawl back for another emotional beating, and to have my health problems maligned or to give her more opportunities for smear campaigns with more punch. I didn't want to become a hateful or bitter person. I have felt enough shame that it does hurt me even now, that I am the middle aged woman who doesn't have a family left and wasn't able to have her own family or children. If it wasn't for my loving husband and friends, I probably would have crawled in a hole long ago.
So when people say someone is "hateful" or "bitter" in exposing abuse or trying to bring accountability to narcissists or exposing the deep pain of attempted soul murder in my case that utterly destroyed my health, that deeply concerns me. Many ACONs can attest to this too, how we were beaten with the "forgive" stick which is a twin cousin to the "be positive or else" stick that is used in our society to give narcissists more power, more leeway and control. Remember if the serfs and victims can be kept silent and smiling, they are free to abuse even more.
So when someone wants to STIFLE ACONs it deeply concerns me. Some mean well and have been deceived by the "be positive" or else and the "love everyone" no matter what messages this society pushes. Others have an agenda. The end result is the same to silence ACON blogs and those of us who have faced the abuse. This is a subject that even if you are anonymous takes guts to even dare approach in a public form. The voices exposing narcissistic abuse are few and far between. Even my blog is not entirely an ACON blog but deals with obesity and a multitude of other issues. How many ACON blogs are there? Not very many. So why all the pressure to shame and silence us? Why does everyone defend the narcs? Where is the sympathy for the victims? If anything most narcissists have no problem in this world getting their needs met.
ACONs are shamed for natural righteous anger and told they are unforgiving by many people who for whatever reason just don't get it. Many bloggers and others have dealt with this issue and have shown directly how a false message is given to forgive the unrepentant wicked.
Forgiveness Not What You think
" However, forgiveness and the requirement to forgive are not necessarily what we have been led to believe they are by our abusers and their enablers, or by others who are either misinformed or trying to deceive us. In the Bible, we are told to forgive as the Lord forgave us.(Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32) The Lord forgives us when we repent. (Ezekiel 33:10-20, Isaiah 55:6-7, Jeremiah 6:16-30 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19) He does NOT forgive those who are 'stiff-necked' , refuse to repent, and intend to continue in their sinful ways, and he does not expect us to, either. By forgiving unremorseful evildoers, we are depriving them of the opportunity to repent and transform their lives."
This article helped me quite a bit in escaping the FALSE SHAME being handed to me over righteous anger in being abused. I suggest every ACON read it. Smakintosh too also made a good video detailing the difference in forgiveness especially when dealing with the unrepentant and wicked. I pray and hope a certain blogger watches this one:
I don't talk about this much, but I left my mother an avenue to repent. I do not believe it will ever be taken and I believe she is completely seared but this option was given her. If there had ever been any true repentance from any of the narcissists I went no contact with the story would have been very different. So let it be known I gave her a chance. Same for the rest of them.
Here is what I wrote near the end: "I wish we had a real mother daughter relationship where I could have really talked to you and shared who I was with you. On this weekend of all of them, I get to watch people who had real mother/daughter relationships share them. You made this so it was never possible. I also have the pain of being infertile by age 19 and being too sick to ever to have children, on top of it. ...You never have opened up to me about anything, even in one letter from last year, you shared something from your childhood which should be something a daughter would naturally know, but I did not because you withheld everything from me. I have been doing better healthwise so do not want to put that in jeopardy. You and her really hurt me for years, and I am not coming back to "get back in line" to the same position I was in before. It's not happening. You can email me if you choose and actually start talking to me if you choose, otherwise I have to keep trying to work on my health and trying to find/bring happiness among people I feel good around."
She never started really talking to me and never will, and I know it. This never got a response, but I still got the fake cards with no messages beyond "Thinking of You" or "We are praying you come back to the family" and "Love Mom" in her prefect penmanship, that only creeped me out more. I think about what I would do in this position, if I had a daughter who left me behind I wouldn't stalk her or send her creepy cards, I would try to talk things out. A normal person would try and ask "What is wrong?".The above was an invitation for discourse, which she threw completely in the trash.
One thing about the narcissists too, is they don't want your love either. Before I went no contact, I spent time trying to break through to and get closer to many family members and I failed. Many were afraid to talk to me. Some seemed torn like my brother for a short time but under pressure his decision for my mother were obvious. For all the talk of "love and forgiveness", love is not wanted either by narcissists or even many of their enablers. They dislike soft feelings, so that compassion and love is being wasted most often on people who hate even the concept of true love. I of course believe one should not seek revenge, God makes this clear but to pour goblets of love and understanding on a narcissist is a waste of time. Many of us ACONS were told to love our narcissists into not abusing us. Some of us tried and our love was thrown in trash cans and used against us.
Very few realize this but I had the years [especially after 2002, when I became a Christian] when I tried very hard with my mother. I made her a glass painting of flowers on a window that still hangs in her back year, this is the time I started sending Aunt Scapegoat presents too which led one painting to be ditched in the closet. I went on visits even when it semi-endangered my health---certain temperatures I could not do but once went on a trip when it was in the mid 30s where I got several asthma attacks to visit my family and I tried. I wanted to get close, and well plenty of doors were slammed shut in my face. When my husband lost his career, it was even more game over during my second descent into poverty. So when people lecture me that I was not "loving" enough to narcissists or did not give them enough of a chance, it feels like a complete sock in the gut.
In my case, and I know some ACONS face this, mine are too proud and disdainful of me to even fake apologies. They consider me so low and unworthy, none of them have ever apologized to me in my life, real or fake, so I'm not going to sit around expecting this "Come to Jesus" moment from any member of my seared family. All I got was coldness and "get back in line" messages and false forgive and forget offers via fake cards that told me to get back in my scapegoat seat.
I think it is incomplete injustice to add to the burden of ACONs telling them they are "hateful" people for daring to protect themselves or abandon the role of being a made a worm by narcissists. Most ACONs who have undergone severe abuse, have already been told they were hateful and evil people. In fact some of us even suffered extreme spiritual and religious abuse, and were told we were the devil's children by the actual devil's children and were hell-bound wicked people, abused because we were undeserving of love and that we were essentially unlovable. So when someone says to me that we are to "love" and "forgive" narcissists and that we are hateful, unkind, judgmental people for not doing so, this triggers me back to those experiences. Just about everyone defends the narcs. Everyone wants to give empathy to them or will tell you too. Very few say have empathy for the victims.
Another thing is they will say to you "How dare you judge!". And the world will add to that saying, "You are misjudging your mother or other relative who is abusing you". They will tell you that you are wrong. Many of us had that dished out to us by the betraying bystanders for years This delayed my even going no contact again for years. I was told to be so sensitive to her needs while no one was to mine. I have asked myself many times why didn't anyone ever defend me? I was told to be a better person, lose weight, make more money and be more of what my mother wanted for her to love me. No one told her to ever change. So when someone says ACONs must bend to the narcissists and defer to them some more, the puke pail is going to get full.
There is a dynamic that disturbs me about this world, the most evil are defended and over while their victims are crushed to dust. A sad part of wicked human nature is the worship of power and who has more power then sociopaths and narcissists in this society? It isn't simple farmers and peaceful people with the world's awe but multimillionaire Wall-Street stockbrokers and celebrities famous for being mean and materialistic. This is why narcissistic alpha males and even females can draw in some many adoring sycophants. Look at our media where people like Charles Manson are actually celebrated. This is why the most wicked rule our world and become tyrants and dictators. This is why people are told to love and make excuses for the wicked constantly. Look at what some get away with, everyone tries to help the good ole boy and girl narcs, while non-narcs are locked up for years for 10 percent of their crimes.
I won't be silent. At this point if someone wants to say I am "hateful" or "bitter", I've had just about everything said about me online, it doesn't matter. One thing I know is true, I would have rather had a mother who loved me and who would have accepted my love too. I wanted to be loved and give love and so did just about all ACONS on the planet. Just about the entire world defends the narcissists. True love is telling the truth, not making excuses for evil or giving it a place.
