Tuesday, April 8, 2014

How Life is Going? What Will The Future Hold?

1. Well I did get my apartment cleaned out. It's not perfect but I cleaned it enough getting rid of
20 boxes of stuff to the point where I was able to have the carpets cleaned last week. Hopefully the walls will be painted before another lease is put through. I won't be put on Hoarders any time soon. There is still some things to do, but it's at far better base level.

2. My 4 and half months of winter housebound "county-time" ended, where it is temperate outside. I am trying to enjoy what life I can before the door slams shut on the heat end. If a place existed in the world where it was forever from 50-70 degrees, that would be a nice place indeed. One friend asked what to do you do in there all day? Well that is what hobbies are for but this time around it got very tough at times even though one good fortunate trait about me, is I rarely get bored. At least it doesn't look like a new Ice-Age arrived keeping spring away.

3. I've gone back to my groups, stamp club, overweight lady support group, regular self-help group, and a private Bible study with friends. Also found a new church to attend, so looking forward to spending times with friends [they visited me while I was housebound] and meeting some new folks too in the community.

4. Lymph treatment is continuing, and management of the lipedema. I'm hoping to get to a better place in life, and will continue my exercises.

5. I'm still writing about narcissist stuff here, but I am asking myself how do I move life forward how do I heal? I can tell that since I have gone NC-9 months ago, I have more confidence, and my anxiety problems have dropped by quite a bit.  I've been free of the constant diet of put-downs and being told that I am inferior, and well outside of housebound times, spending time with NICE people. Which I did in my old town, but still then I was tethered to the narcissists too. There is no more bowing and scraping and worrying about what "those" people think or trying to stay one step ahead of all of the chess games, lying and insults. It has brought up a lot of questions in terms of life, and has changed me in some ways I think are better. More asking myself what I want? There is a healthy level of "narcissism" where people are to look out for their own needs and do self-care, perhaps this is one positive outcome. Yes still help people but also look out for yourself too.  Spend time with people who care.

6. The financial end of life still petrifies me.  There has been some major losses related to this as you all know. One thing I have confronted is that when I was abandoned in the ghetto by my relatives after my four hundredpound weight gain, is that this was a betrayal of the highest order. Knowing normal and healthy people, I know this was not normal at all, and this was not my fault. I don't blame my brother and other relatives who were more limited, but being away gave me a new perspective.  I have heartache pertaining to this issue. Inside there is part of me that fears losing the life I have managed due to lack of money.  Will we lose our apartment, car? Will I be able to get medical needs met? My husband's freelance work, slowed down during the winter and I've helped him in searching for more. Sadly many venues like ebay where one could make a little pin money have slowed down to a crawl.  I have nightmares of being on the street pushing a shopping cart, with my narc mother looking down and cackling at me. I'm praying this will not happen every day. There are people who have over-comed these problems.

Overall I am feeling more positive about the future, though I am struggling with the feelings of fear. I believe the freedom in the end will be worth it. 

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