The Health Saga Continued

 I'm not sure what to do. The doctors are kind of checked out you know. I think my local hospital/medical center fired a lot of people for not taking the vaxx, or they are all sick and left. 

 When I went to get a ultrasound, and blood tests, the place was nearly empty, there was a few patients in there but it was like a tomb. The lady taking my ultrasound was new and all the regulars seemed to be gone.

 

I'm having a severe Meniere's attack, it's the longest one I've ever had. There was too little hearing left as there was and some of that is now gone. I was already identifying as deaf. I could still hear some music on headphones but now that music is so distorted, there's no use listening to it. It's very depressing. The hearing is even changing this week, up and down, but it's way too low. The worse is I can't hear my husband's voice anymore, there's no free conversation, I have to transcribe him. That sucks and has led me to tears multiple times.

The tinnitus is from the gates of hell. A few times it was loud enough to wake me up. I don't mind when it goes gangbusters in the already mostly "dead" ear as much but my worry skyrockets when it's in the "better" ear. It troubles me all these people reporting tinnitus from the vaxx and hearing problems and they act like it's nothing. This shows me how psychotic society is, they don't care if people are deafened. Having people judge me when I have all these medical problems is too much. Do you all know the fear that comes about from your hearing shutting off? During a severe Meniere's attack when I first got the disorder after a severe infection, I lost almost ALL my hearing. Lips would move with no sound coming out of them. I still have nightmares about that time. I am close to that severity now.

This is stuff that alters your life. When you can't talk to people it's painful. I know a lot of my social isolation grew as the hearing diminished. There were times even with my hearing aids on before I had my transcribe phone, where at UU and other groups, people would talk to me and I wouldn't know anything they said. Soft-voiced people, my getting to know them was impossible, too many words would disappear into nothing. You can only say "What?" so often. My failing hearing even impacted things years ago with my narcissistic family. My brother refused to text even though I could not understand a word he said on the phone for years before I had a caption phone. They would leave me out of entire conversations. 

It makes you tired too, everything feels like a burden, you want to sleep. All light looks too bright. My balance is off and it does affect your vision. My eyes bounce around [nystagmus] One day in the car, I said to my husband, "Look at my eyes, I'm going to look across the room and back and you can watch my eyes bounce around, it's definitely going to happen". He said, "The effect is unsettling". This demands more brain power to operate and you get tired. 

 I don't know if some hearing will come back. The irony is I was at the ear doctor around two weeks ago, the hearing felt worse that day and they were informed that my Meniere's attack had just begun. They told me the hearing level is the same but I have lost a lot of word recognition due to masks, and my hearing aids not working. The hearing drop would happen soon after. They have these constant changes written down in my medical charts.  I'm supposed to get one of the most powerful hearing aids, but I am waiting on more money to make it happen. I have to wait and save for the second. There's a ear wax cleaning next week and have to tell them I've lost more hearing. 

My Lipedema seems to be worsening, the pain and everything. The Lipedema boards aren't much support. They are all geared towards the monied classes who are most often lower stage and in promoting plastic surgeries that are tens of thousands of dollars. If you are stage 4, you are too advanced for the surgeries to even work and the risk of infection is sky-high. There's a voicelessness in that world. One lady spoke out like I did years ago against the encroachment of the plastic surgeons, and I wrote back on one board but she took her post down. She didn't want to be seen as "mean", or face social censure.  Maybe autistic me just bore the brunt of social rejection for questioning the status quo instead. She kind of disappointed me. The Lipedema herd has a way of silencing people. If this was a disease for men, it would not go this way. 

There will be no change there. Us stage 4s will slink back to our disabled lives in pain, while the wealthy stage 1s and 2s who can afford advanced treatments silence us even more. The unwealthy stage 1 and 2s sadly may be us one day. The physiological and other effects of Lipedema are ignored in too many circles. The compression bandages cost too much. The other day I ordered FOUR compression bandages, one was a really long one, and they cost over 60 dollars. That's insane. They wear out so you have to order them constantly. Its good I have my Flexitouch machine else I would be in worse trouble. 

I did try to find a bariatric doctor but just kept hitting road block after road block. They were all working via online and not taking insurance or part of weight loss surgery promotion. My newest idea is to go see an endocrinologist again and work that angle. 

Something still seems wrong to me with all these kidney stones and being told I have some type of genetic condition that causes high uric acid but they haven't named it. I read somewhere this can be related to "overgrowth" conditions so have to do more research. This body never operated right. Why don't they get to the root of anything? It bothers me. I said this to the kidney doctor, and he responded, "The treatment is the same anyway". Well wouldn't knowing help figure it out? I got a scan done and they said there's multiple small kidney stones, in one kidney, some were passed last week. If eating so many vegetarian and vegan meals with only a little bit of chicken at some meals won't fix it, what will? Sometimes I wonder if uric acid is worsened with stress. Maybe the Meniere's attack triggered all these kidney stones?

Covid is messing up my health too. No, I didn't catch it, but this locked down kind of life with no people in it outside of two friends I see once or twice a month with masks on, is messing me up physically. I haven't gotten the same amount of physical or mental activity I would have had before. This has gone on too long. Stamp auctions, zine conferences, art class, activities with the UU, my gym, going to poetry lectures, eating in a restaurant, going to a movie, concert, etc was all wiped away from my life. My husband doesn't want me to rejoin groups yet. 

Is this guy right? See his articles talking about what is supposed to happen...

or is this one?

Remember these are scientists who don't support the vaxx. 

What about studies like this? 

Some believe this is why China is flipping the hell out doing Zero Covid, even to the point of starving their population if what we are seeing is true about their lockdowns.

"Taken together, the findings presented here underscore profound multi-cellular dysregulation in the brain caused by even mild respiratory SARS-CoV-2 infection. The white matter-selective microglial reactivity found in both mice and humans following SARS-CoV-2 infection have been shown to inhibit hippocampal neurogenesis, dysregulation of the oligodendroglial lineage and myelin loss in other disease contexts and as demonstrated here. Myelin modulates the speed of neural impulse conduction (Smith and Koles, 1970; Waxman 1980) and provides metabolic support to axons (Funfschilling et al., 2012); even small changes in myelination can exert profound effects on neural circuit dynamics and consequently on cognitive function (Mount and Monje, 2017; Noori et al., 2020; Pajevic et al., 2014)

BTW depending on my own small piece of science knowledge, when I think about how colds work, if Covid is real and has all these affects including vascular, we are toast. Remember I am autistic, I notice "patterns", if Covid affects the vascular system, and all these other bodily systems, long term, and there's no long term immunity and the variants are being "spun" from the original, we are screwed.

This is why the refusal for early treatment, these bioengineering labs and more are such a betrayal. These people may have destroyed civilization and humanity in general even for generations. If these changes to our lives are permanent, then we are screwed. 

And then there is this camp. Are they wishful thinkers or did the elites pull off the biggest lie in history second after 9-11? 

But then I keep thinking people died of something beyond the flu. I didn't see bodies in the street and don't know anyone who died but asked doctors if they saw Covid directly, and they said yes. I don't think they were all lying. If it was just the flu, how could they have pulled this off? I wish these hoax people were right. As I wrote I envy the people who believe this was as they are still living their lives.

Right now I am trying to find out how much of Covid is a danger or not. If I ever see my doctor again I plan to ask him if he's had any recent patients with it. Some people tell me, "Oh it's just a flu and or cold and all of this is just a hoax, return to your regular life".

I had someone wrote me this on a message board:

"Don't let them win, you ain't licked yet. Get out and live while you're still living!

It's a simple but diabolical scam: rebrand existing common ailments, use a fraudulent test to create the illusion of a pandemic, and offer perverse incentives to juice the stats. People with man-flu, hypochrondia and Munchausen syndrome are doing their part, of course, the perps love to exploit a moral hazard.

Don't forget the old folk wisdom: "If you're born to be hanged, you'll never be drowned" We're all going to die one day, the fates will have their way. The important thing is living well, don't let these bastards take that from you.

and then others tell me, "Covid is real though the vaxxes are bad, it's creating dystonia and other bad effects in people even if you get a mild case.". I am so isolated, I don't know what is going on. I'm not sure what to do. 

Living this way isn't working anymore for me. Hopefully I won't crack up. In the land of liars who do you believe? I do ask everyday how come I don't know anyone who has ever died of Covid? I know more who got sick from the vaxx. The slow slog of this dragging on, has destroyed me.  I don't buy into that terrain stuff either, I've been sick for years, where I usually KNEW exactly who it was who gave me a former cold or virus. 

 Yesterday I went to a writing group on Zoom, I talked them into being hybrid for me and they were nice enough to do it. All these older people were sitting around a table unmasked. I thought, "Maybe I am insane one." Two recently went to Disney world in Florida around crowds of people and ate out at restaurants with no masks. Remember the vaxxes don't work on the new variants so it can't be a matter of they are all vaxxed up and not worried for that reason. Maybe I have been screwed up for life and I am too "germ phobic" and now have an worse OCD problem then checking things on my hands. 

I haven't known another person with Covid in many months. I don't even know if Covid ended months ago, and the jerks are dragging it out.  They lie about everything anyway so how am I supposed to figure this out? If I was a healthy person, sure return to life, let it pan out but I'm still hiding away and wondering about my sanity at this rate. How do I explain to people, I almost died of lung stuff, and even spent years gasping for air, as recently as the early 2010s, because my COPD was undertreated. So the fear factor was always greater for me. No one allowed me to talk about this or understood. I told one doctor my anxiety levels are off the roof and told him I have a history of PTSD. They just would not address this. 

I believe spike proteins from whatever source are bad for you. 

Let's just say as we start the third year of this, I'm growing more pissed and I hate politicians, and the "experts" even more so. Someone please tell Fauci to shut the hell up, he's useless and his evil AIDs, and vaccines and evil rise to the heavens. Him, Gates and Baric and so many of the rest of them are the new Dr. Mengeles.

Disabled people were thrown under the bus long ago for these sociopaths to do their dirty business and destroy our world. Doctors have been a disappointment. I am fortunate none of my personal ones hound me over the vaxx business but so much is wrong, this is probably why I get a break.

 Covid is a nightmare with my PTSD history, germphobia and OCD. I'm not brave enough to ditch masks in a trash can and rejoin the world but as time passes by and I get old. I get pissed. These monsters have ruined so many lives. Oh if you think I am crazy about Covid, I actually know a few people who haven't left their houses in two years. They haven't gone in stores but had everything delivered.  That's way too much.  Those people are still out there in the disability community. Remember I know a lot of disabled people. Some of us know it would take only ONE MORE THING to push us over into the grave or the nursing home. You can see how all the fear affected them. It's messed me up enough.

There is this feeling of being on one's own. I don't trust the health care system anymore. While some of my personal doctors are decent and do their job the system as a whole failed me long ago. Even with my weight no one has answers why I eat the way I do and maintain so much weight. All I got told there was advice that never worked. For years I used to beg to be put in the hospital and for helps, I was denied. The medicos don't abuse me for being fat like they once did, but now it's almost a shrug, "You got a lot to deal with".  I sometimes think what I needed for good health, was STABILITY, a feeling of belonging, love when I needed it when young, financial stability, and I needed these things far more than any diet. 

 I was told to exercise and "do more" and exercise did bring me good things but then they basically locked down my life, taking away activities and more. None of them are honest about this. If I spend most of my life encased in 4 rooms, am I getting the same walking? Just going anywhere costs money. So if I go out and go to a store, it vanquishes money.  What is there to do? Maybe they are building the Metaverse knowing bored peasants are dangerous peasants. It's obvious they don't want us to have lives anymore. Not having a life, outside of my marriage is destroying my health. I'm not sure what to do. Every move costs money. I feel like I am locked in a cage. If I say "Fuck it, and just go live my life" then I have the hours of anxiety to deal with. You know we all imagined dystopia, as sucking but in all the movies there were always allies to speak with. I talk to people with a plastered smile on my face hiding my views outside of a very small number. Even in the book 1984, Winston could wonder around the parks and talk to that one lady. 

 I still need the medical world for a variety of medications, I need to stay alive, but it's a fractious one. My trust is not there. They misdiagnosed me for a long time. Even with these constant kidney stones, I say to them, "Maybe it's parathyroids, maybe it's something systemic". I reviewed my last set of labs, and I am anemic though not seriously so. I'm just a number and a statistic. I'm an old woman now, and as you age you are seen differently. My life medically has been one of constant invalidation. All they ever did was threaten me with worse. Even when I was only 30 years old, they told me I would die soon. 

I'm putting myself on vitamin therapy and going back into the 'alternative' health world.  I already have taken vit C and zinc to fight any would be Covid exposure. I bought a bottle of expensive B-12 vitamins, hopefully that will help the anemia. It's time to study herbs. I got out some of my old naturopath books, and plan to go get some manganese for my ears. I have to concentrate and do what I can. The CFS and wanting to sleep all the time is not good. I'm also trying to figure out why everything is so "hard" and I believe lock-down has worsened aspects of my ADHD. 

I have decided too if I can afford it, I am going to go see a Chinese medicine person, and am checking into a local business. My desire to hire a naturopath has only grown. I am planning to buy herbs and other remedies from this one local naturopath. Normal allopathic medicine is failing the world now. They let corporations steam roller all of them and their bosses.. Outside a few dissenting doctors, most lined right up and they will kiss the boots of Big Pharm and allow themselves to be censored via that new law in California. The bootlicks have the morals of worms.

 I still need the medical world for some meds to stay alive, but at this point, the feeling of "We are going to be our own" is growing. They betrayed us so much over Covid, vaxxes and more how can we trust the majority of them?  Also what does it mean when a doctor checks out and goes from giving you monthly visits to 2 a year? While some seem nice, none ever seem to want to explore anything, I got a messed up body and a life full of more invalidation. 

Now so many of the public health have ruined our lives, they won't admit their failures and they expect all of us including the immuno-compromised to live lives of permanent lock down or suspended animation. As they refuse to study treatments or allow HCQ/IVM, or other treatments or even traditional vaccines that would work, these sell-outs,  cowards and imbeciles destroy all our lives. Hope the money was worth it as they didn't even cared about their own children. I am sick of invalidation. I've had it all my life. I'm tired of being told lies. Now I am told I got two choices, live a locked down, dead life, with no people except husband in it, or go rejoin life and die of drowning in your own fluids, and oh we will wait to put you in the hospital and give you more failing medicines after your oxygen drops below 90.

My COPD worries me lately too, I need more exercise. I will make myself walk around in stores that are more empty to get some exercise, but it is not the same as having a life. I fear what's going to happen to me. I am dealing with some nursing home level crap, like night time incontinence because when you are a bloated bag of fluids it's hard to get up and walk out of bed even to go pee.

I am very worried about my mobility, I can still stand to cook a meal, and walk on walker a bit, but my mobility has suffered. I haven't been weighed in awhile, don't think I have gained but that worry is always there.  I was 526 at the rheumatologist last October. [the weight can bounce by 20lbs depending on where fluids are at] Aging with this kind of weight on the body is very bad. Sometimes I am pissed off, thinking why couldn't it go down to the 400s. 

Mentally, the isolation has harmed me. That's growing worse. I am married and have husband to talk to but if I was single through out all this, I would not have survived. I talk about moving all the time but then sometimes say to him, maybe I just need having a life back here. Just the feeling of going somewhere to see new things, or even have some new stimulus would be nice. I miss taking pictures. Money is always so tight even though we have been able to keep our bills paid, that there's not extra. The last day trip I took was 30 miles away last fall. I often feel unable to talk to people like I am "shut down", that part worries me. What are the mental effects of only talking to people via screens for three years? 

I do have to work on my health. Why isn't this shit over yet, even for me to go back to Planet Fitness? I do plan to garden again this year. That will help. Soon I will go walk around some stores that aren't too busy. Maybe some garage sales this weekend. I have grown more dependent on my husband, that worries me. I haven't taken the bus in 2 years because of Covid. Maybe I am too rigid on worrying about viruses. Some people seem to happily live not worrying about it. I really wanted to find out it was a hoax I needed to.  If you can prove that to me do so.  Add links here, I'll go look. They are destroying our society. I wish I could sue the people who did this to us. Why aren't more people angry? Did they keep normal life and just say screw it? I don't know. 

I got some major health worries lately. Hope everyone else is holding out better. Mental health and health is in crisis. Too many people have been ignored and neglected through out this. They made everything about Covid. If real and if it's endemic, they ruined our society and health for good. I kind of know I am on my own. There's no more help out there. I probably need to be in a rehab now with far more intense therapy but that's not going to happen. Even with Lipedema, the lack of care there, and just abandonment sucks. 

I'm not sure what to do, this Meniere's attack has worn me out. Losing an entire sense is scary as hell. When I was at the grocery store the other day masked up behind the plexiglass, I could not hear barely anything, it was like being under water.  One thing I ponder is as the medical suffering increases, they never cured anything, they sure spent a lot of money to destroy all our lives though, didn't they?

Update: I found out I am going deaf yesterday, more hearing was lost during this latest attack and there was so little left to lose. Due to other health problems, I can't get a Cochlear implant, but know enough about those to know the results, aren't so great.  They don't provide hearing like normal hearing and if it breaks, you need another basically "brain surgery". That doesn't seem a good idea in a society as unstable as this one. Buzzing in your head you can't turn off? At this weight and risks surgery is not on the menu.

 I'm supposed to get another hearing aid, had some money come in, it was to go for that and then both cars broke down on the same day. Hmm that gives me worries about being "cursed", thanks Mrs. Curses. One car is at least running, just needed a jump from church friend. The tinnitus and fatigue is bad. Hopefully other car just needs a battery or starter and I can still get my hearing aids, or at least the first one and other ones later. 

Sometimes in back of mind worry shedding affected me, my hearing was stable for years despite the Meniere's though stress is probably not good for autoimmune diseases. I'm still able to get some health care, but the cracks are forming. One thing I think about is how they never have a cure for anything or actual diagnosis like with the uric acid problem and how multimillions was spent in labs to screw up all our lives rather then help them. Even 40 years later the only answer for Meniere's is high level of prednisone, and well, I'm at the stage it won't be guaranteed to do anything and doctor said, it wouldn't help much. I'm noticing that, where there's no answers and my conditions are all stuck still in 1980s/1990s and before medical technology.

This applies to a lot of my medical problems, there's no further help or cure or answers for anything even from my 20s and 30s. Remember I started getting Meniere's in my late 20s. I'm in my 50s now. Think about that when mainstream media crows about medical progress. Bones of Star Trek would probably get a puke pail out and say "It's primitive as hell in this 21st century, Jim, they invested far more money to kill people then to help them!"

We discussed imbalance, I had vertigo and drops for years but into the late more deaf stage some of that eases up. Six months ago I had to grab on to the bed as the room moved but this Meniere's attack, was just more the feeling of being on a rolling ship. After this many years I can adapt to it. I had to train my mind even to walk, focus on the horizon line and to ignore the constant spinning sensations. The doctor told me I was lucky that part isn't as severe as it could be but I made sure to point out to him, the walker was for my balance more then the weight.

I'll go buy some manganese and I need to order some naturopath books, if I can't afford them, time to figure out where there information is. I bought a "Nutritional Healing" naturopath book, from years ago 1990, where I have notes all over the thing. Sometimes think how worse off I would be without some of that knowledge. Time to get more.  

Oh when I read about Covid/multiple bouts of Covid/covid vaxx causing autoimmune effects, I think, "People don't realize AT ALL, what's coming for them."