A Friend

Mother by Pink Floyd

I don't agree with everything with Pink Floyd, but I remember seeing the movie the Wall when I was young and in college and it gave me the weirdest effect, I broke out crying uncontrollably. The movie deals a lot with war, and societal control and you can see the theme of abusive parents in there too, which they go along with the totalitarian wicked society too don't they? The movie had a profound emotional effect on me. I had this feeling of despondency realizing more of what this world was about and what I faced. After the intial viewing, I would see it multiple times.

Aren't the ones who worship the powers that be part of the evil system? Think about the ones sending their sons to die in endless wars. I don't trust people now who love war, and who have no qualms about sending their sons to die for the bankers. One reason I left the church I did, since they praised the Middle Eastern wars and I realized with my horror even though the pastors two sons had fought and seen horrors in Iraq and Afghanistan, one with his thousand yard stare, they still supported it all. I couldn't conceive of that and was spiritually troubled in the depth of my being.

I may articulate these thoughts more in depth later but I think about how the narcissistic parents relate to our totalitarian society as a whole. The whole "school to prison", or "war industrial" complex, is based on the lack of love and desire for control.  The narcissists and reprobates keep it all humming. The people who see outside "The Wall" are hated by society but there is a reason that album did get so popular. Many people know in their conscience and suspect something is seriously wrong even if they cannot articulate it all.

By the way my parent's government jobs were totally linked to war making. I won't go into detail here but let's just say they weren't happy to have a war protestor for an adult child. Many people do profit from war-making and the system. I remember my parents were upset at my questioning of the system at a very early age.

This song has a strange effect on me and used to make me cry. It does show more the relationship of mother and son but you can see the infantalizing effects and the effort to control the son in the relationship. "Mama's going to make all your nightmares come true".

So Why Do They Ignore Hunger?

Diet Advice That Ignores Hunger

"Questions like these about the relationship between calories, macronutrients and hunger have haunted nutrition and obesity research since the late 1940s. But rarely are they asked. We believe so implicitly in the rationale of eat less, move more, that we (at least those of us who are lean) will implicitly fault the obese for their failures to sustain a calorie-restricted regimen, without ever apparently asking ourselves whether we could sustain it either. I have a colleague who spent his research career studying hunger. Asking people to eat less, he says, is like asking them to breathe less. It sounds reasonable, so long as you don’t expect them to keep it up for long.

Much of the obesity research for the past century has focused on elucidating behavioral techniques that could induce the obese to eat less, tolerate hunger better, and so, by this logic, lose weight. The obesity epidemic suggests that it has failed. 

See: Are Fat People Hungrier?

Why is She Wasting Her Time and Stamp?

I have thrown away a lot of cards but every now and then I read one. At least I don't get that feeling of fear anymore when I see a card from her. Thankfully that is gone. All the cards are the SAME. They all basically state "I didn't do anything" in various guises. It's like watching a psychological horror flick. Why waste the time and the stamp? Does she think by repeating herself, that I will erase my own memory banks? If she thinks she can play some guilt games, I'm not wasting guilt on people with no feelings.

Her "mask" always counted more then her own "daughter". It is more of the gaslighting, rewriting history, saying it did not happen. She never has given a real apology in her life. You know the proof is in the pudding with our broken relationship.

 She has no feelings. She has no humility. She never would ask, "What is wrong?" or say "How can I fix things?" Nope I get the same denial I have gotten for years and this is exactly what built the problems to be so huge. She treated me like I was nothing for years and continues this in her "cards". She's wasting the stamp. She always put me last way behind everyone else. I was nothing to her. I didn't get a card from the GC sister, I figure they are swapping "scapegoat duty" since the GC sent me an anniversary card I just threw in the trash and didn't even open and she sent me the birthday card.

 I once had the idea in the early days of my NC to tell her the only way I will come back is if she issues an official letter of apology to the entire family and admits her poor treatment of me, sends copies and reconciles my relationships with them. I know it's never would happen in a million years. It would be fake anyhow.  Funny how we get those fantasies. I always had the fantasy of having a mother with an actual conscience and heart. Same for a sister with the same.

The sentence "came into our lives" is odd. Is this a way someone would write about someone actually BORN to them where they were pregnant with them? Yeah I know I hit a dead end with the adoption search but I found the wording strange. You know I tried to read her "withholding" heiroglyphics for years. You can really get to know someone, they stay a stranger when they never tell the truth and do nothing but rewrite history.

I did have a good birthday, went to go eat some Indian food with my husband, and had some friends visit me.

The 48 Rules for Power or how Narcissists Really Run The World

One commenter wrote on one of these videos, "I hate how society has these dumb rules". Me too! For an Aspie all the above stuff is the thing of nightmares. "Avoid the unhappy and unlucky?" It sounds like evil rules based on "The Secret"! These are NOT God's rules but Satan's guide to success and an easy ride in this world. Notice how many are according to deception?

We are forced to live in a world of lies and punished every minute for not conforming. One telling moment is when the narrator says, "Why? Because the truth sucks!" Yes, in the narcissistic world, the truth is to be avoided at all costs. One thing to notice while watching these is how money greases the skids, the poor college student without money to dress up and schmooze is out of luck!

  Robert Greene (American author) Wikipedia

"The 48 Laws of Power has been referenced in songs by Jay Z, Kanye West, and Drake. Busta Rhymes used The 48 Laws of Power ... [It] is one of the most requested books in American prison libraries." 

 That speaks volumes. Wow.

Did Your Narcissistic Mother Ever "Run Away"?

                                          [picture source]

I was reading raised by narcissists on Reddit and saw someone had posted a like experience, where their NM would run out of the house and leave for hours, supposedly for their "misbehavior".

I hadn't thought about this in years and years, but my mother did this all the time when we were school-aged. She would get angry and pissed off, yelling at my brother or me for something related to housework or some other dispute and tell us she was leaving. She would scream, "I am sick of you kids!" My father usually was not home during these times. She would then go upstairs pack a bag, and get into the car and drive off sometimes for 2 or 3 hours leaving us alone.

We would be crying for hours, and I was scared crapless of my father coming home and finding out we had driven away his wife, and then beating us for it. My brother and sister would be crying and whoever instigated the fight when she left [always me or my brother] would be yelled at by the other two. "Look what you did!"

Talk about forming abandonment issues in your kids. I think of related events how I would not be picked up from school once having to walk 13 miles home from my high school and there is always that nervous pit in my stomach even as an adult waiting for rides from people that I will be forgotten or left. This definitely has to be rooted in childhood.

 Secretly even as my brother and sister cried, there was a few times in my mind where I wished she did not come back. I felt guilty over this but it's true. I didn't want her to come back. I imagined her driving to her freedom and maybe becoming a happier person. Maybe she'd smile once in a while. At the age of ten years old, thoughts like, "Why did my mother ever have children?" came up to my mind. There is part of me that never wanted children, my parents complained about it so much.

She would come back silent and sullen and making dinner. No one would say a word and we'd stay far away from her. I would be thinking, "I wish she had run away for good this time." I was one of those kids who wished my parents WOULD divorce, dealing with tag-teaming narcissists was harder then one at a time. I had years of guilt being told I should love people who did not love me.

Fat Mannequins?

I suppose it's about time to have some beyond the model thin mannequins.