Saturday, August 28, 2010
My Failure to Lose [Enough?] Weight
More and more I am finding food an expensive interruption and annoyance, and tiring enterprise. Trying to eat gluten free is wiping me out and when money has been low, I've fallen off the gluten free wagon. I itch far less and my celiac skin problem is kept in check when I'm on it, but I am getting a very weird relationship with food.
Every food makes me guilty, maybe this banana is bad, maybe this bean soup I'm making for lunch with carrots and onions shouldn't have any meat at all to flavor it. Then there is the gut wrenching/blocking, asthma inducing food allergies from hell, I'll list here wheat, rye, barley, eggs, potatoes, fish, shellfish, shrimp, wine, cheese, all dairy, yogurt, eggplant, radishes and now soy which seems to make my thyroid swell up every time I eat just a little bit too much of it.
Following so many food rules, is driving me nuts too:, "don't eat any bacon, or allow it only once a month--that includes pork chops, water down juice the rare times you do drink it, only eat at meal times, etc. These are the rules that got off the 150lbs from when I was near 700lbs, along with medical treatment. People do not realize I have to work at NOT GAINING.
I don't want to cook anymore, but the hunger pain feels like its going to kill me sometimes. Over the last year, I did both Overeaters Anonymous which seemed to assume I was eating whole cakes, entire casseroles and pies, and I didn't relate to what the women talked about as they ate whole bags of cookies, and Weight Watchers--I lost only 8lbs and got the director mad at me who told me I had to be cheating. Gluten-free eating--with my pasta and bread free-life, has taken off a bit of weight up top but nothing on the bottom, but even there too much rice and corn can do a person in.
Overall this weight loss failure, will probably end my life early. When I'm dead will people will be clucking over the corpse thinking why didn't she lose weight? In my family there will be some sympathy, my severely obese nephews, have pointed to a serious problem in my genetics, but overall its embarrassing. Normal adults can go on a diet and lose weight, I note that the 200lbers while they may regain some weight are not going up up up. They lose their 40-50lbs and at least get to enjoy near normal hood for a while. No one would ever believe in a million years, that a 500lb woman goes running to her bedroom panicked over gaining weight, because she ate a $4.25 Chinese lunch twice this week, and measures herself. Well the Chinese food even free of the fried stuff and gluten is going off the menu too, its making me feel sick. The measurements now are at 54 bust, waist 60 [it can drop to 55 when there is less water on my body] and hips at 84. I still remember my peak measurement of 103 inch hips.
It's getting to the point where I want to just skip meals and NOT eat anymore. Everything is just gross, but the HUNGER kicks in, and when you feel your brain melting, your hands tingling and your vision going wonky because its 3pm and you haven't eaten lunch and your nurse practitioner says you need to quit doing that after she finds you lethargic due to putting off lunch, you really have no choice but to.
Trying to buy food, too it stinks, everything healthy takes hours of cooking. Sometimes I enjoy it but other times, there are others thing I need to be doing, like art work. Meal planning is a normal facet of life, but feels like a part time job lately. I am not disabled due to great health, and spending hours in the kitchen, is no fun either, I actually found myself boiling and rolling cabbage rolls hurriedly at 4:00pm because I needed a wholesome cooked meal, realizing I cannot get a decent healthy meal at any of the restaurants around here. If your food budget is under 20 dollars a person, everything is a bread and cheese laden mess. Jaime Oliver needs to start addressing that FACET of the dieting life. Someone please open up a cheaper "health food" restaurant.
If I could give up eating all together lately I would. Its getting that bad. Sorry for this rant. Everyone hears about the weight loss winners, very few will admit when they are failing at it or losing far too little. Any advice, Ill take it. I know one has to remain positive to keep going, but I do not feel positive at all about this facet of life, even if I have other good things going on.