Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Global Obesity Rate Through the Roof! Is it the FAST FOOD?
So what has changed?
More access to "fast food" and corporate food?
Could they be importing the food that has been fattening Americans up for decades overseas?
It's not like everyone woke up and thought let's get fat!
Notice what they say about Mexico being opened to cheap junk food and soda pop in the video above.
The rest of the world is catching up with America.
What they put in fast food, to preserve it, give it a great appearance, be fast and quick is indeed messing with our bodies and metabolisms.
It's not like a billion people on earth decided to start being lazy and overeat, its what's in the food!
"Jail People For Being Fat!"
"Why Not Throw People In Jail For Being Fat?"
This guy is making a bad argument for marijuana legalization.
I don't do any illegal drugs, but I tend to be very libertarian when it comes to the drug wars given the failure of prohibition and how they have been used to install a police state. The addicts are going to shoot up no matter what even if you get the state to spend $50,000 a year to babysit them for a few years in attempts to stop them. That said if a teen smokes pot with some friends and gets caught, should his life be ruined forever?
My first thought with this article was "Don't give them any new ideas!". Some do-gooder may come up with fat camps by fiat. Of course they won't address the bad food and toxins poisoning the lot of us or how much more a salad is harder to afford then greasy burgers.
Brick Walls and Ice Queens
The worse things about narcissists, is they do not feel. They have one mode inside to "win" and "get over" on YOU and be king or queen of the mountain. I could be dealing with extreme spectrum stuff here, people with no consciences and people with no feelings. I don't know. The psychiatrists would probably have to figure this one out. Some of it certainly is beyond me.
What is their motivations in life? They live in a world of things and appearances, I can't even relate to. One thing I have asked God is why do people who do not care about anyone or anything given so much? I suppose in this world they will have their reward. You have to wonder about people you never have seen cry ever, who seem not to experience any feelings of nostalgia, empathy, compassion, deep thoughts, who never seem to desire a close connection with a friend or anyone else for that matter. It's like they are dead inside, the landscape a terrain of blackness.
[picture source]
For years I thought maybe my mother and sister are just reticent beyond belief, and the feelings remain "hidden" inside but putting the puzzle pieces together, I realized they were not bothered with pesky emotions, like guilt, loss, grief, sadness, tears, empathy, missing people or anything else that brings humanity to a person. For years I wanted to make sure I was not misjudging both of them but then lost too much of myself, trying to meet them half way, while they never moved one inch, or ever took any of my feelings into account about anything. I wasted so many years trying to get close to people like this, trying to reach out, trying to improve the relationships.
Oh I analyzed everything I did wrong for years, try to be nicer, try to be kinder, try not to be needy, try to offer attention, not overstep boundaries, not impose, so forth and so on. Nothing ever improved no matter what I did until I started thinking maybe the problem was from the OTHER SIDE.
I would write my mother these 5 page letters, saying "Lets try and work this out!" Other times I did confront her, asking her why she treated me the way she did and challenging her to stand up for myself. Such letters she would deny the existence of. Even now I have resisted writing letters to them both, saying "This is why I left" but have told myself, "Why bother?" You tried to get the message across for years, they simply did not care. How long can you scream into the phone and hear nothing back?
[picture source]
It's like talking to cold brick walls, who never respond. Two emotions, anger and neutral and nothing in between, not even fear. One thing about brick walls, sometimes you throw the ball out and when it hits ice queens that feel nothing, it bounces off and smacks you in the face.
You ever been around people that make you feel very alone? That is how I felt around both of them.
I was cleaning out an old email box, and saw a letter to my sister where I am appealing to see my nieces and nephews, she was planning to drive right by the apt or something, and how she basically steps over everything I said and anything "emotional" ignored it and then responded in her usual "business-like" cold manner. There were a few letters like that where I was simply ignored.
After I went NC and showed one letter to a friend, that I did no respond to, that friend pointed out that letter had about as much feeling in it as a neighbor one barely knows responding to another neighbor about their noisy dog or something. One even said, it sounds sociopathic, it's so devoid of emotion. That's no sister. Its hard to be on a social website, and see loving families, sisters, and people who had mothers who loved them and realized what I lost. No family is perfect not by any means, but facing what hand I got dealt has not been easy with everything else.
I got acouple "nice" cards from my mother since going NC, but they read like what someone think they should write someone to be "nice". Where there is little feeling in it. ho-hum, send a "nice" card, no skin off her back, and no emotion either. Her daughter exits her life, and Two big things missing though, she never asks, "Why did you leave?" or "What is wrong?" One friend said, "She already knows what is wrong, Peep."
When I was young, one thing both narc parents would constantly yell at me is, "You are too sensitive, toughen up!". While one can understand a parent maybe not wanting a child to cry over every little thing and to develop some resiliency, I realized just the fact I had feelings around these people seemed to make me an "enemy" of sorts. Parents who got angry at any tears were not normal parents. Any emotions outside of a neutral face mask or anger, seemed to upset them. I was trained to become like them, but failed, and that was a good thing! I no longer feel guilty for being sensitive anymore.
There is no "winning" in going "no contact", you just face the losses. Realizing since the family rotates around the matriarch, you'll never see a lot of people again? You do manage to stop the abuse. I have no more visits I'll be required to go on why sick.
But how can you replace a family? It's hard. The replacement ones always seem to fall away while the empty place remains where people with souls may have stood. Instead you ended up with these disappointments. Is that crass for me to call someone else a disappointment? But they were. They had no emotions. They had nothing to appeal to. They were just there, standing and staring. I dare say now that I am gone, they will wake up, go shopping, do their dishes, go on another trip, and not give me another thought. Not one iota of loss will cross their inner landscapes. They don't think about me and hopefully one day I'll be able to stop too with God's help.
Missing That Feeling of Belonging and Missing People
Aspies hate change. I am on the top of that list. My idea of the happiest life would have been being born into a small village or nice small town and living there the rest of my life. One of my best friends from college, believes in reincarnation, I have openly witnessed the Christian gospel to her but this starts with her surmising. She says, "If you come back, wouldn't you want a life, where you live in a small village life-long and have close life long friends and family that never move away? I usually respond saying reincarnation is not true but that yes, that would be ideal. Yes, I know this would be some people's versions of hell, but we have added on the dictate that the families are loving and kind.
Too much moving ruined my life. My parents began it, and I continued it as an adult and it was always usually related to economic survival. The sociologists write about how economic trials affect a person practically but ignore some of the deeper issues. No one mentions the people you lose over the years, the ebbing away of relationships. I refuse to ever move again. It has to be this town or the old one for the rest of my life. I can't move away from any more local friends or the familiar again.
Being middle-aged and a stranger to so many sucks. I feel no sense of belonging or connection to a place and grieve this. I had the feeling of belonging for a short time in my old town, but in some ways, I do not think I ever have recovered from that move 7 years ago, and when things economically collapsed there it made it worse. My old church and a volunteer organization I was involved with vanished, that made it even harder. Even now I worry about things I have here, sliding away.
What goads me in some strange way, is my mother who really does not feel close attachments to anyone or the same sense of loss, was blessed with living her entire youth in a small community and being able to have visits and connections with everyone there for the rest of her life. She sees extended cousins to great-aunts without pause. She just saw the entire family network for the holidays. They come to her while no one visits me. Funny how that works.
Despite great efforts to avoid this, I have joined the ranks of the "forgotten people". Some may point out, you went "no contact", so that's on you but the door was creaking shut on me from the other side just as much. My husband and I were discussing this, and he said, after his job lay-offs and we moved here which is the same distance from my mother's town as my old town but in a different direction, he noticed how I was cut off even more so. My mother actively worked to destroy relationships behind the scenes telling people lies.
One can't force people to be there, who do not want to be but it can bring some weird feelings. Some say its based on the overall break-up of society. My other long distance and disabled friends tell me their life is like this too. Even the healthy and active folks short on time, tell me how things do not seem the same as they used to be. Some accept it, some have given up, I met one of those people who told me with a straight face they have no friends at all.
Change to me always feels threatening. While there have been a couple good changes in my life such as when I played my own version of "Escape From New York" [insert name of another well-known giant American metro city here] to a small town in the middle of nowhere that brought me some years of happiness, there have been many changes that did not bring good things, but disappointment. Change for me has brought too many losses. I tell my best friends, "I have seen the back end of too many people." Some has been due to losing people to death but other factors have entered into it too. Sometimes it was torture when I was ostracized from my own family, hearing about my mother having the funds to visit every extended cousin and aunt or uncle, while I have not seen some people in years. I feel guilty too. A visit to my old town this fall was canceled due to health concerns, and money. It's like why do I have to work so hard to be present? Why do I have to lack the money and health to make it happen?
With time, and distance a person can become a stranger. Even with intense efforts, I sometimes struggle with the picturing myself as a "photo" that is being erased. Be careful reading 30 year old letters while cleaning out your bedroom and not crying over the lost people either to death, moving away, the march of time, or the machinations of narcissists.
I have not seen any relatives on my father's side of the family in 30 years.
I have not seen relatives on my mother's side of the family in 8 years [these are people I am in contact with]
I have not seen two nephews in 4 years.
I have not seen other nieces and nephews in 2 years.
I have not seen one good college friend since 1993 that I talk to weekly on the phone.
I have not seen my old town or my friends there since 2011.
Being a disabled person in American society, you do get forgotten about and shunted away, while some of us manage to make a few friends and ones who are good about visiting us, for many isolation is a serious problem that can take over one's life. Housebound? It can get serious some times. I feel like life is passing me by. I am invisible.
I put extraordinary effort into not giving in to it, and have a couple good friends that help me beyond just seeing these 4 walls, including one who picked me up to get coffee on a day it warmed up enough for me to escape outside two Saturdays ago. But it can be hard. You feel like a ghost in your life, I have laughed at my weeks being stuck in the apt unable to breathe in cold or too much heat, as like "doing time". I MISS a lot of people. It's like my lack of funds, and ability to travel, wiped too many people away. As I have written before modern American life, with its mobility and rest sucks for the poor, the working class and the disabled.
There's far too many people I miss. There's far too many people I have not seen in YEARS. What should I do about it? See them or pay my rent? I never wanted to become a stranger but I did.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Validating Myself: Better Late then Never!
From the book, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" [read this if you are an ACON: Adult Child of a Narcissist]
I am 45 years old and realizing I have more to break free from when it comes to my mother and the view of myself. Being middle-aged and "afraid" of your mother is rather silly isn't it? I have seen blogs though where some 60 somethings admit the same. Keep in mind us Aspies are late-bloomers. I am realizing at this advanced age, how behind I got on so many things. One thing I am asking myself, is "Can I pull off a turn around at this late age?"
One part of the healing from a narcissistic parent, is realizing that validation you yearned for is never going to be there. This fantasy that one day my mother, would pat my head, and say "I am so sorry!" is never going to happen. She is never going to run to the foot of one of my hospital beds, and cry tears and bring me cups of tea. My sister is never going to hug me, and say "I love you" or tell her children, "Aunt Peep is so fun!" even if the few times I saw them, I'd love to do art lessons with them. I suppose one part of growing up even in latter adulthood, is accepting what "is", not what you wish things were.
One may ask how long can you cry over your mother and father never loving you? Dr Laura, would say "GET OVER IT!" and I read her book 15 years ago, that said just that! I didn't want to be one of those people laying in a corner weeping till I was 60 that my mommy and daddy hated me. Some observers would say, "You can't blame your parents for the way your life turned out!" Thats true, but we can admit some of the influences and history. My parents didn't destroy the US economy or make newspapers obsolete affecting my husband's career, or invent autoimmune diseases after all. I chose my own professions and even my own religion.
While I discussed my past abuse with my two best friends for years who by the way both had narcissistic mothers of their own to contend with, for some reason middle-age brought some kind of odd crises where I couldn't ignore what was happening to me anymore and where disrespect and covert stuff was being carried into late adulthood.
During my 20s, enough walk-outs ended overt verbal stuff, but I couldn't stop any of the covert stuff no matter what I did! What a misery! I was low contact and only saw the woman on average 6 times a year for 4-7 hours, but so much craziness was stirred behind the scenes, so much mean things said to me when no one was in the room. I knew there never would be any respect, there never would be any change. She didn't care to hear my side of the story she only cared about her own. Who wants to spend years and years defending yourself to people where INVALIDATION is the given?
Even there I hung in far longer because I did truly need help a few times. A few times, years ago, after the abandoned years in the ghetto, she was generous, but oh what a pound of flesh. I only asked for help when incredibly desperate and there were plenty of times, I did not and went without food, medicine or other necessary items. My 20s, I was fully cut off, so there was no asking for any favors so this was more in my early 30s. She never neglected to throw it in my face either, and how lack of financial blessings were supposedly all my own fault.
The word "LOSER" was duct-taped to my forehead pretty early on as if I had spent my teens smoking pot and getting drunk every night instead of studying and working at a local restaurant. It stayed there, even during the time I graduated from college and was an art teacher at an alternative school because I didn't "make enough money". When I told her, I had to go on disability, she was personally offended and said, "Why do you have to do that, so you can "laze" around the house all day?". I had been in the ER 10 times that year for breathing problems and hospitalized at least for a total of 6 weeks. Even my job had demoted me to night shift because I could no longer handle the rigors of day shift.
What a set up to always feel in the wrong, to always feel like nothing I did was ever right. This is the set-up that leaves many adult children of narcissists carrying incredible burdens and being open to the predatory natures of others, as they seek to people please and walk on eggshells in their own lives knowing that every mistake supposedly makes them a bad person.
With narcissist parents one is never allowed to make mistakes, and if you do, it means you are "at fault". If I dropped something as simple as a wrench helping my father do his constant projects around the house, he would scream, "There's no such things as accidents!". Everything was a failure and your "choice". Imagine the day I dropped a can of paint at the age of 10 and how that panned out. Any clumsiness was not poor Aspie motor control but failure!
[picture source]
I was trained that if bad things happen to me, that they are MY FAULT. This means when my old cars broke down in high school, that it was MY FAULT, and not the car or it's broken hose or 25 year old carburetor. All the resultant screaming over any mishap proved this so. This means when bad things happened a little voice inside me says, "It's your fault". I am still struggling with this now. Car break down? My fault. Husband lost his job? My fault. Sick and leg is infected? My fault. I think about that nowadays, what a mind screw that all was. I was never prepared for resiliency or for failure. How does a young person grow along side of people who never admit one failure? How do you develop as a person and how to work through set-backs?
One of my nurses laid it out flat to me this last month while I had nursing care: "being sick is NOT your fault. Stop blaming yourself!" They know I try my best with the exercises, the eating, figured out how much of my body was fluids. People are born with bodies that do not work like others. Some die young because of this. Others live to be middle aged like me struggling for years.
I'll take responsibility for things I did do wrong, and there's been mistakes a long the way, but normal people make mistakes, they are vulnerable and give in to manipulation or have their own personality foibles they struggle with but this is a burden I want to throw off me, like a 2 ton weight to be FREE. Let God determine what I did wrong or didn't do wrong. The court of the narcissists is closed!
I'll be honest in many times in life, I prayed to win the Lotto, to have husband have a book or other publishing event hit it big {I tried to write and publish a book too back in the 90s} so we could come into our own, and not be the lowly ones in the room. Who wants to be seen as a worm, no matter how poor they are? Who wants to be middle aged, and on their knees? It's sad, and I have to admit one of the most painful things about my life. Even now being no contact my mind is plagued with images of me behind a shopping cart, showing up in rags before her door. This too came from the "training", she often yelled at me, that I would end up behind a shopping cart, homeless and bereft and getting everything I deserved! And obviously I have been pretty close to that shopping cart without wanting to be! Add to that the air of superiority, that I wrote about before, and it was a BAD MIXTURE! It's time to claim dignity!
My prayers now are to never be in the streets or desperate. I don't have the health or youth to handle losing my apartment or living in a dangerous area without needed items like I did in my 20s. My husband says he worries about me always thinking everything is going to be ripped away even when things are going good. This is the crucible it all was born in.
Then add in the fact I live in a society where everything that happens to a person in one's life is seen as a choice. I never chose bad lungs, infertility, severe obesity, or an infected leg. Our society is inherently narcissistic in it's winner take all and losers deserve what they get ethos. The King and Queen of the Mountains don't care about the suffering of anyone else!
The self esteem problems I face are no mystery to me. I know I am working through some serious stuff. I still laugh about that one nay-sayer who wrote on here, "You have issues!". Of course I do! I am in the midst of validating myself and developing long over-due strengths.
Old age, has brought some better ability to take care of myself, and get my needs met, and not take abuse and draw boundaries, but oh what a set-up a narcissistic mother [and father] can do to a person life-long! Trained to excuse yourself just for living and to put all your needs aside for the narcissistic parent, it can take 20 years of adulthood before you realize that your own needs and desires matter just as much as anyone else's. This doesn't mean be cruel to people or be selfish but holding healthy boundaries that never were developed as you grew up.
I know my mother never approved me. I supposed a rational side of me thinks, "Well you were not normal, you were fat and Aspie to the hilt and then as a adult got sicker, and fatter". There was no showing me off to the neighbors and there was this later focus on keeping me secret and hidden away especially after my giant weight gain. One thing we must remember with narcissists appearance is everything. No one is interested in deep explanations or intellectual forays on the science of obesity. All she cared about was being embarrassed by having such a fat daughter. Her friends would even tell me how horrified she was by my weight. Sadly many agreed with her. I didn't enjoy my very personhood stripped away. I feel for any other overweight person who may contend with this. Even if you are extremely fat, you can find beauty. You are beautiful. You will and can find people who will tell you that you are and I have!
When one gets to a certain point, they no longer are in the mode of making excuses for who and what they are. I'm done with that. No more begging for acceptance. No more blaming myself for everything that happened in the universe. Accepting where I have been and how I have gotten there. No more waking up feeling depressed because I am five hundred pound peep. Seizing what I can of the life I have left. Break free of that scapegoat training where self blame rules. Redefining myself and who I am. Thank God for my love of art as a young person that allowed me to at least see outside the prison walls. Thank God for my relationship with Him that is allowing me to throw the padlock away and walk into the light.
Lonely Holidays and the Lie That You Reap What You Sow
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Who Loves Salad? I Do!
Here is a salad I ate the other day at a restaurant., the one day I could escape outside this month since we had a very brief warm-up. I love salad. This was a chef's salad but of course I had to tell them to remove regular cheese and eggs from it which I am allergic to. I like to make salads and make everything from bean salad with sweet onions and Newman's Own Balsamic Vinegar to coming up with concoctions over iceberg lettuce or organic greens. Here are some salad-making links.
50 Meal-Worthy Vegan Salads
Vegan Salad on Pinterest
Regular Salad Recipes on Pinterest
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