Fat Hate In the Art World

Warning images may be disturbing:

John Issacs "I can't help the way I feel" 2003

wax, resin, polystyrene, steel

86 1/2 x 59 x 70 inches

220 x 150 x 170 cm

Wellcome Trust Collection , London

Name unknown... {I did search but figured out it was a sculpture in a EU art museum]

I always suspected the worse fat haters saw me as a hunk of meat, and not much more. I believe in our society today, as focus on the body and temporal outdistances focus on the soul, this is part of the increasing evil in the world, but one can see this in the art world too. I refuse to go be a "hunk of meat" for anyone.

One thing, I majored in art education in college, so art was part of my life for a long time and this included a stint as an art teacher and even work in art therapy, in my pre-disability days. I was a good art teacher, one student even won a national award,  and used to make lesson plans up not even needing books, remembering to incorporate the core basics of what I wanted to teach. Good art can teach people many other skills, being able to visualize ideas, creativity and planning. If my health held out, I probably would still be an art teacher today, teaching in some high school. Even my career transitions [paralegal/residential counselor] was more about health needs then anything else and the price of failing medical clearances for the school districts due to my severe breathing issues and asthma by an early age. You can't tell a high school principal there will be no ceramics, because the clay dust makes me wheeze.

However I never was able to enter the art world, very easily though I have privately sold some paintings for hundreds of dollars including at a "do it yourself" art show where I sold 8 pieces. There was time when I tried to enter a painting in my college's art show, that I later sold for a very high amount , where it was rejected. I would go to that show to see what replaced my entry and would find a tall shelf, with different colors of pee [yes urine] in jars where some art school hipster actually had collected it from various people. How do you strike up that conversation? "Hi, I need some of your pee for my exhibit". LOL

This little episode would shock me and tell me what the art world had become. I often later joked, if I had burned up some baby dolls and glued them to a canvas, that I would have done far better in that particular art show. By the way that was not some punk gallery, but my collegiate alma matter having a "graduate" art show.

In the art world, from what I can tell only certain worldviews are espoused. Where does one go, if they find the facetious, ironic, hipster, "shock to make a point" art annoying. What if you crack open a copy of Juxtapoz and simply want to throw up and wonder why everything looks so evil? American Artist is more my speed. The art world is not an "open world" at all, you need connections to get in, and to be welcomed in the door. Upturned noses and wine parties with fancy finger foods, I've seen it all.

Being in a lower socio-economic group, well, the doors often have remained closed. The Art shows want $30-80 dollars a pop which you may as well light a match to once they reject your art work. Part of me thinks they just let their friends work in, and leave it at that. One friend even had international showings but still dealt with the expenses, the art world was NOT a lucrative field. I faced that of course too in the art education world where whenever the school or alternative school gets short on funds, the art teacher is the first out the door.  So years ago I parted ways. Don't get me wrong I love art, and art museum stints, but remained an "outsider".

One thing I have noticed though in the elitist art world, fat people aren't too welcomed. If you debase yourself and they decide to make you their pet, which I refused to do, sometimes some get in. I still remember the woman at one art group, who wore around a size 22 and painted endless paintings of herself being fat and NAKED in front of a mirror. She was middle aged and really not that distinctive, but every painting had every nuance of flesh, every roll, hair, pimple in full view. It seemed like narcissism run amuk. I being young and somewhat foolish about the politics of the art world, asked her, "Why do you only paint yourself and naked over and over?" She went into some diatribe about self acceptance and bodily context, blah blah, but I then said "But you're naked!"

Ever take a look at fat art, and notice how many have to get naked or dress like hookers to get a look-see? Why is everyone naked? Even Spock is out there taking naked pictures of fat women supposedly for art's sake.

Now no one is naked here, but the debasement rule is there.



I felt the same way about the Obeast Project. Fat person debases themselves, while calling it "contextual art" to supposedly prove a point and it gets museum attention. One question I have for the masses, why do fat people always have to shred every ounce of dignity to get any attention out there? Come on people, you are playing into fat hating hands. Even this painting that sold for 33 million seemed to be just about displaying a fat person as naked {I censored it a bit because I want to keep this blog at least PG} and sprawled out on a couch. She is displayed in a rather unseemly fashion. Yeah call me Victorian, repressed but come on, do you think a naked picture of a woman that could be someone's Mom looking like she passed out from a bender or the fat haters would say mountains of Ho-Hos and Doritos,  is great art?

Now back to the two art works at the top of this page, one I cropped because the lady is totally naked and someone else airbrushed the top part, that one definitely focused on the body to the demise of everything else. The art work is basically pornographic, but because it mocks someone who is fat, showing every crevice in exaggerated detail, the art museum denizens run for their checkbooks. Then you have the guy who hates fat people so much even the title, denotes the blame, as he sculpts a fat person as a hunk of flesh that has basically eaten their own head and left thinner legs with bad circulation. There he basically kicks any fat person especially of any supersize in the teeth, and does the typical status quo game blame.

Even when you take a look at the crop art world, I guess a pig on an exercise bike sums it up what is going on there.

I was once told by someone who was well meaning to turn in some art to an art show not in person because I would be discriminated against and they would not want a 500lb person showing up at the artist opening. I really wondered about that, and it made me pause. I know that goes on. But one thing I am really wondering is why is so much fat art if it happens to even be allowed based on open or willing debasement and nudity?

By the way, at the art show, I had where I sold 8 pieces, I sold them at REAL PRICES to REAL PEOPLE. Some made the three figure mark, but I didn't ask for the crazy prices you see at most art museums. There should be an "outsider art" movement aside from the snooty-ville, over-intellectualized nonsense, if I was 20 again, maybe I'd spear something like that. Lets have some art for FAT people, that doesn't insult us or make the price of being naked or degraded to show up to the party!

I think I am too old fashioned for the art world.

A Fat Artist

This was a batik I did before I took the wax off...

 More and more I consider myself an outsider artist though I have an art education degree. This was a topic of discussion this Sat with local artists. I do think the art world has some serious fat and class discrimination within it. Ever go to an art opening? I go to many around where I live because they are free, and you will see me in the local art museum at least twice a month when the weather is good. The artists always seem to be lean and wealthy. I know they come from a different world then I do, but I go to enjoy their art and many of them are nice. Art does need some money to keep afloat, but one thing that I support is keeping art available and accessible to all comers.

I know my art isn't considered the norm. I am going to do some art work for a themed art show. I have not been part of what people call the "normal art world" which class wise for me remains a place of expensive entrance fees my household cannot afford. My art shows have been independent sort of events, where I have tossed in music and food.  I've sold independent paintings and I've had  DIY [do-it-yourself] art shows. I want to plan another but need to do more art work since I sold a lot off 4-5 years ago. One thing with me the desire to write now wrestles with the battle of being an artist. I am working on a comic too that is a story about my life. Perhaps I am too scattered, but I know time is short and want to get some of these things done while I still can.

One dream for me would be to spend a week at a handicapped accessible artist colony. I would love this, I don't know if I can make this happen, but the best memories in college were old times in my painting and printing studios.  I did take a drawing class at our local art museum but have to call them to see if I can get a scholarship for one of the new art seminars. Once a week, if I am not housebound, I go to another local art school, to do collages, batik and spend time at. This is where some of my most fun times I have been. That's my arm in the picture working on a batik last year. This week I went and did collages.

Art has always been a part of my life, I majored in it, and was an art teacher for a time before I was disabled so young. I've kept it as a major part of my life. I hope to show more of my art on this blog, both older and newer stuff.

See:

Fat Hate and the Art World

Fat Art Show #2

A-Mini-Art Show: My Painted Fat Ladies

If you are a fat artist come say hello.....

Peep Poetry I: The Art Jury

snippet of painting by me some years ago     The Art Jury Dear Diary   The sixth art show that I entered Has just rejected me What meaning in my shapes and colors Did the art jury not happen to see? Who needs art by committee anyway or a long winding list of rules? Guess my brand of art isn’t weird enough Nor sufficiently free and easy to fool the upturned noses Of this particular art school! But there’s art projects that I do That I’ve held in a box And kept to myself There’s safety and privacy in leaving them on the shelf Back in 1991 Another art jury did a number on me Rejecting my Victorian teak painting For a modern art freak Armed with jar after jar Of brown and yellow pee All my years of painting Tossed and thrown to the side Favoring an artist Who only wanted to take everyone for a ride I remember the run-ins with art juries back in school And had good teachers Exceptions to the rule But everyone else Wanted it priced high enough To sit above a couch Hanging as high as the viewpoints Voiced by those jet-setting snobs Even if prices you paid for their friend’s creations Left you feeling cheated and robbed Some of the art seems tailor-made To fool if not disgust Maybe I’d have gotten further in life If I’d painted Rivers of pus Or standard issue skulls Or melted baby dolls Or a can gone to rust Maybe I am too much of a hick Too homegrown in my tastes Lacking the sophistication The sizzle, the flash and the gimmicks That guide the art jury’s taste If I could go back in time Would I give the away the paint If I knew the trouble that would follow me from art, it’s enough to make me faint Well I’ve had my own art shows in the past Selling 7 paintings at once to a handful of Friends and onlookers Whose appreciation was built to last The verdict is in I don’t even care I probably will still do art Even if I do not want to share.   ***********************************   I wrote this poem out of frustration of trying to enter the normal "art world". Each fee at the cheapest was $45.00 and I remember cringing thinking in a couple of them I was going to be left out for not having an excellent enough frame. This was one reason I came to call myself an "outsider artist". Isn't that a title someone can put on themselves? Even my comic will exist in that realm. I'm not drawing fancy super heroes with 300 dollar graphics programs to jazz them up but doing it old school.   The art world sadly is snob city. Low socio-economics do not apply! Yesterday I got a stack of magazines called Sculpture. This is a high art magazine. Someone had wrapped bits of yarn around a piece of burlap and shoved some newspapers in the gaps, and they called it art. Some of the sculptures looked like someone threw pile of mud on the floor and dried it, I kid you not. I am tempted to take pictures of some of this stuff to remark on it, maybe later.

My DIY art shows

The above is one of my favorite paintings.

I am kind of considered an "outsider artist". Social class can do this when you lack money for good framing and 80-100 dollar art fees, so years ago, I wanted to work outside the typical art system, which lack of money prevented me from entering. I don't think my art work was bad, just that I lacked the connections and cash. There is also another thing that influences this, I just do not fit in the art world very well. One friend told me, you seem to paint and draw in a multitude of styles. Maybe this an Aspie thing. I know artists need a certain "look" . DIY equals DO IT YOURSELF.

 One person warned me when I came in with my art work and 500lb plus body that there could be some discrimination happening there too. So my main endeavor is to work outside the system. With the comic I am working on even, it probably will be a self published pin money affair, but I am having fun with it.

Years ago I had a DIY art show in my poorer rural town. I priced the art works at a normal levels where working class people could afford them instead of that hugely expensive art world prices. I sold 8 pieces of my work. Later we would move to our more affluent town and I had a smaller DIY art show with a couple new paintings. I would sell two works from that one.

Here are some pictures from those art shows. [sorry the quality isn't the best, I had a cheap camera back then during those years]

I sold the drawing of the three women in pink and yellow, the crab painting I think I gave to a friend, those birds are hanging in my hallway right now. The painting that is green with birds, I sold or gave to someone.

In the future, I would like to have another DIY art show though my attention is more on the comic now, and try my hand at some craft shows. I would like to make a fat themed art show one day which may be kind of an odd idea. One new thing I am into of course is photography.

 This one sold at the earlier art show. Funny it was a quick sketch cartoon kind of thing when I was just playing around.

This is a multi-media college.

I do have a bunch of art work, filling up some bins, I did sell off or give away a lot of art over the years.

I still work on the graphic novel. There are 80 panels so far.. I am way too slow at this, with my body needs seeming to take over my life a lot of times but the other day I was even looking up little pigs to draw a pig farm for a panel dealing with Aunt Confused. I finished a panel about being an Aspie. There will be no other comic like this in the world. I'm doing it for fun, don't know what will come of it yet, but am enjoying it.

Is College Worth It? Not Anymore!

 

Is college worth it? Not Anymore! Small colleges are starting to close in my state. Many colleges are shutting down programs since there are no jobs in those fields. Maybe angry resentful graduates contacted them, maybe they noticed the numbers dropping and have adjusted accordingly. It didn't escape my notice most were cutting art education and journalism, two fields I and my husband shared. 

This website tracks all the college cuts and closures. You can see the different closures and program cuts there. Art schools are closing, most of them led to their students being unemployed anyway. The movie Art School Confidential showed some of the absurdity of art schools, twenty years ago. Charles Schultz may have gotten some practical lettering and other classes in his city art school in Minneapolis, but those schools changed. Graphic design was dying when I was in school 30 years ago and switching over to computers. AI has taken over a lot of graphic design, you can see small companies posting the AI ads all over the place. Fine arts? I was in a state college to get my art education degree but most fine art degrees lead to unemployment. Yes some artists do make a daily living at it, but it is very competitive. If you can sell ANY art usually you are a doing quite well. 

While art education is a positive, sadly in this utilitarian and growing totalitarian society, art is not valued anymore. Many artists are self-taught. I learned far more via the art centers than I did in college. There were so many missing holes I had to fill as an adult, this included obtaining proper art supplies and how to wire a painting. I'm not sure if I should judge my state school or not, some may say well they may have influenced you to continue learning, even while disabled. A lot of my life now is spent on studying art and making it. It's limited, the spoons are short in supply, but it's a large component of my life. Some may say, "Hey wait a minute, you got life enrichment then from your education!" Maybe so, but I don't want young adults to end up struggling like I did or not being able to support themselves, so this is why I warn on here. It wasn't all bad. Intellectual curiosity can exist outside of college too, my life was spent in libraries as well before I went to college. 

 I started college way too young at 17. I have told young people don't major in art, or art education if you are not independently wealthy. The jobs just are not there and the schools are cutting the arts programs all over. In my case, I can't decide, maybe if the body hadn't gone crazy, I may have been okay, and gotten a regular teaching job. Some said I was good at it. It's weird sometimes, I have taught art in volunteer situations, with helpers like in a one off class [only one day a week for an hour or so because physically I can't do any more] and people have told me, "You are good at teaching art!" It was kind of weird. Deafness would make this impossible now even for the volunteer situations I did on rare occasions. If you love a subject enough, enthusiasm and passion can float a teaching boat. It did for me.

Finding a viable career was on my mind, when I was doing my paralegal program. Some months ago, I was telling a close friend about how in my early 20s, the attempt to switch to being a paralegal. "It was time to be practical!" She told me people are born to be artists, and she saw that in me. I nodded, we were sitting in an art center where I had just shown some art. The paralegal field got glutted, soon after. Maybe in the 1990s if I had finished instead of becoming disabled I would have been okay but by 2002, the legal field included for lawyers was glutted to the max. Those with law degrees were going for the paralegal jobs too! One almost needs a crystal ball to know what career to choose anymore. Isn't STEM and health care being flooded now? It has to be. 

 I commented on this video and wrote: "Go to Vocational school while in high school for a specific job, that will put you ahead of many, don't waste money on college unless you are going to be a doctor or are talented at STEM. One can learn many things on their own now too via internet, libraries etc. One learns by DOING too with art, computers and more. You don't need to pay someone 10s of thousands of dollars to spoon-feed you.  The jobs don't pay enough to warrant this much debt, yes wake up young people!"

Have any of you tried to give advice to young people? Some of the young people in my family have been okay, the nepotism wheel has rolled for most of them as I have written about. My family is not typical. I've met far too many who have become perpetually unemployed and have less career hope then I had for a time. One thing makes me angry, is when I see someone with high functioning autism/Aspergers comes out of high school, and nothing is provided for them as far as making a living with any training. It's crazy what do these schools expect them to do, flip burgers? You need intense social skills for most other jobs like waitressing, child care and being a barista. There's no realistic preparation.

More young people should take advantage of vocational school in high school.  Get the skills for a basic job and then if you want to go to college later, it's a possibility. Hopefully those school programs have not been shut down. It was ironic, I used to substitute teach at one, and thought these kids probably will be able to get a job out of high school far easier than me, that will keep the bills paid. I had my reservations then already trapped in substitute teaching hell with feelings of wishing I could dial back time. I was not gaining independence fast enough from my family. College in my day cost a lot of money, but they didn't make it crushing as it is today. My alma mater, now wants around $125,000 for a 4 year degree! Will that pay off for most people? No Way!  Laying out that much money to get a 15 dollar an hour job just isn't worth it! Spend the money on a small house, you'll go much further. 

I've written about regretting going to college online some years ago. 

"Be careful of spending money on college, sometimes I think if one is going to spend 30,000 plus, oops college is 100,000 plus now, my old Alma Mater wants 25,000 a year, when I went to college it cost around 6,000 a year. Back then I could have purchased a small house for what it cost. Vo-ed in high school-LOL weird I substitute taught there later, would have been a far better outcome. Housing is what will strip you clean as you get old and if you are a renter in your 50s like I am, it is hell and the costs always go up up up. 

They are getting people with property taxes but I wish I had paid attention to HOUSING first. College didn't pay off for me. I wonder if young people are realizing college isn't paying off anymore. We are both college educated and poor as dirt. Both of us have full bachelors. I never made more than 14 an hour. BTW they pay less at some jobs I had 30 years ago. I made 12 an hour as a residential counselor in 1996, they pay them 10 dollars here, 30 years later. I made 14 an hour at my juvenile home in 1990, people in programs like that make only 15-17 an hour now. 

And yeah they wonder why people are so much poorer?

My husband considers college worth it, and disagrees with me on this matter. He does prize education. He's written books.  College definitely did spare him manual labor during his life. His career in newspapers lasted longer too. He saw college as a fulfilling place. I got into his college and could have gone there but picked the cheaper school. We could have met sooner!

I liked some parts of college quite a bit, some good memories were made there. Yes, this makes it complex. Some may even say to me, "Well you got 14/12 an hour instead of the 1980s/90s minimum wages which ranged from $3.35-5.30 an hour in our state!" In my dream world, college would be expanded and my neo-Renaissance world would have people hanging out the library and researching and studying things just for the joy of it but sadly in America, this isn't reality. Years ago, I got into this strange internet conversation, where I told these other people, maybe some folks should start underground colleges, that were far cheaper. They did have lecture societies in the 19th century! Credentialism and turning college into a career training field probably ruined it. It costs too much, and got bloated with too many administrators, and college sports. 

Can college pay off for anyone? It is a gamble. Those who are talented in STEM careers sometimes can be okay but you better do your research and examine where things are now like IT and computer programming. One reason STEM does pay better is there are far less people with an aptitude for it than other more ordinary fields. Some say health care is the way to go but make sure you research how much doctors and PAs have to borrow. Be mindful of how high those debts can go and the rules that may be imposed on you. Some degrees that seemed to have led people to dead ends are Communications, Psychology--[you usually just end up getting a job in a group home for 12-13 an hour], English, Drama/Theatre, gender studies, Sociology, Education, Anthropology, Art History, Philosophy, Theology, Foreign Languages [unless you are a Native Speaker seriously don't bother, that's who they will hire], Hospitality, Journalism [We know first hand journalism has died.], Fashion Design, Fine Arts and Film Studies. It's kind of sad because many people love these subjects. Our society is growing totalitarian and that means no more art or less focus on enriching intellectual pursuits. One friend I was having this college conversation with, summed it up well. She told me college used to be a place to learn liberal arts and how to think, now it's just a useless and expensive trade school. 

Art Success

Fat Pat has her brushes at the ready.

 I am having some small successes in art lately and have been entering art in member shows.  I've been part of several art shows in the last few years. There have been many fun times too with close art-loving friends I have as well. So I wanted to post on some positives in life. I do have art goals, and hope to accomplish more of them. One watercolor sold last week. I can't show my art anymore on here as I am showing it a lot locally and I have been in a local newspaper a few times for art related events.

This is one very positive part of life. I want my health and financial situation to improve so I can even achieve some art goals. The other day I did a drawing related to a poem and may be painting a Russian themed painting for another poem. I have shown watercolors and other paintings. I have a lot of art projects in mine including painting a giant black crow. I sold a crow themed painting overseas acouple years ago. 

Art is what keeps me going. I joke to people, "I go to the church of art."

I do keep my Fat Pat life separate from real life art, I'm still working on the Fat Pat Covid comic and am planning an Economic themed comic. 

Taking Another Art Class

recent painting, sorry it's tilted. This painting actually looks better in life. I was doing some painting layers on it that succeeded. I may sell it but have to get a better picture of it. I may keep it too for an art show. One painting I recently donated to a charity auction.

I'm taking another art class. I plan to start two paintings today and we will have some free working time in class tomorrow.. One is a fall scene, and another of a giant flower. I may paint a political painting too, that has war protesters in it. Lately, I want to try and break out of the traditional subjects in painting and talked to my new art teachers about that. Years ago I would paint some weird and goth stuff but then I went more traditional.

One was a college art professor for thirty years, I am eager to see what he says about art. I did reveal my art past in this class during introductions of when I used to be an art teacher for such a short time. Some other older retired art teachers who had far longer careers got the same idea. One thing that troubles me, is I never have been able to break into the traditional art world. When I saw the "Members Show" at the local art center, I thought, "How did they manage to get in?" Some of my work I hope would be good enough to get in. I have always wanted to get into a regular art show but outside of school ones when young and my own several "Do it yourself" affairs, I have not managed it. Yes, the fees and framing and other financial concerns were a major barrier.

Positive Developments

 

                                  snippet of a painting.

Well beyond the Covid stuff, I am still enjoying time with my husband. I always say to him, "I'm glad we had each other during this crazy stuff." Today, we went to the library and got a cheap but tasty sandwich to eat. Most of our restaurants are closed here but there's a few we can find. He has enjoyed his contract job, the work had meaning to him. My art show will go well too in the spring.. I have more than 16 paintings, I'm not sure if everything will fit, but will put in the best of the best. Some hours were spent in thrift stores, getting frames to match paintings with a would up measuring tape. I like thrift stores so this was an enjoyable activity. There's more work to be done.

I'm pricing the art to sell. Trying to think of names for art work is weird, I'm naming some secretly after the strange things I like to study. Maybe you can guess some of my painting names.  I wish I could show some of the complete art here, but don't want to be doxxed. Whatever doesn't sell in the show, I will put up here later, it will be framed and wired for you. There's a tomato and lettuce still-life painting I'm working on now.  Many paintings are based on photos I took.  The theme is mostly plant based and gardening stuff does show in it. Maybe someone will want to put that one in a kitchen. Another painting is of a small town scene with a sun-set. Some of the paintings are a few years old but there's new stuff too. 

After this art show is done, I may go into more experimental directions with art but I did focus on beautiful things. Peep needs some lightness among the darkness. Probably most here think I am painting apocalpytical landscapes but the opposite is true. My art did get "lighter" as I got older but then I discovered the joys of professional grade paint, which has far brighter pigments. The last batch was bought on ebay for 25 dollars. I'm good at finding the art deals usually. One painting, I want 300 bucks for, I like it so much, so it either sells for a lot, or I'm keeping it. That happened with my old mountain painting, where I told someone 700 bucks or no sale. I'm usually not greedy when it comes to art pricing, I've sold some paintings for 45-75 dollars, but there are those exceptions.

The zine, is still being worked on, yes it is taking me forever. It will eventually be done. I read parts of this book to local people and they seemed to like it. I have to brighten it up so it's not just a doom and gloom tale of child-abuse and obesity horrors. I did write a section where the character gets a hole in one while golfing which is a true story. To have the right tone to such a tale, is not easy.  Its at 220 something pages. It's all in there. 

I'm working on a new illustration project, with the art show, it got pushed back, but part of art show will be displaying a few story illustrations I did for local authors. Tomorrow I have to work on it. I did become more skilled at Paint 3-D which is one reason I am still trying to add to the zine. Simple art programs are better. With the illustrations, they were hand drawn but then altered on the computer. I did learn some news skills these past few years and learned Publisher more to the point I've set up two-three zines for my husband. I do have to work around a lot of physical problems and fatigue, but when there is a little energy, work can be done on these projects. 

My studies of alternative medicine continue, and I want to join some new Zoom groups. My Aspie group has gone well, it's entered it's second year. I have a friend in there I message on Facebook that at least lives in my state and want to go visit when I am able. I do have a lot of commonalities. Most are younger then me but there's a few as old me who joined and even one older lady. I like discussions with fellow Aspies. The disability group wants to start a chronic pain disability group but not sure what is coming of that.

I like gardening, and well, while the garden failed this last year, I think it failed because some very tall flowers were sharing the box, I need to put in a barrier.  Experiments were done trying to grow heirloom which is not bred for productivity. More experienced gardeners with land can handle heirloom but when I made that leap the plants were too stunted and small. Some did turn out like small bokchoys. I'm going back to traditional seeds if I can garden this next year. Physically it is not easy, but I go slow, and sit on my walker while doing it. Soon it will be time to order or obtain seeds.

Recently I read a book by Bono called Surrender. I used to love U2. Bono annoys me sucking up to the elite, like Bill Gates and presidents, but his story was interesting. He seemed earnest and like he had good intentions so maybe just didn't figure these creeps out. His Irish memories of his mother Iris, and his father Bob appear in the book as well as recollections about The Edge, Larry, and Adam. He also talks about different celebrities he met and was friends with and I didn't realize his ties and work with Johnny Cash. I liked Johnny Cash a lot.  Unlike most celebrities he stuck with his wife of 40 years and seemed to treat his now adult children well. In my 20s I was obsessed with U2 and even saw them in concert, the one where Bono handed out pizzas to the people but I was too far back. I can still hear some music on headphones and went down memory lane listening to U2 songs while reading these books. My favorite U2 song was always "With or Without You" but there's a lot of lesser known ones I like off Rattle and Hum and other albums.

Another venture has been reading James T. Ferrell books from the 1930s. Warning they are not politically correct, but I read the Studs Lonigan series and Chicago Stories recently. Seeing how very different life was, Studs had many friends die very young, but how more social and connected life was, was kind of a learning lesson. Most of these books take place in Chicago so I was familiar with all the scenery and where they were at. 

"Art is Pointless"

. "Art is Pointless" by Jasmine Kay Uy for her University of Texas at Austin Department of Art and Art History Digital Foundations class https://www.behance.net/gallery/29917475/Other-Artworks

Seen on Facebook. Many artists get a lot of grief even entering the field, it's not an easy place to go since society can give one the negative messages and you see those negative messages above, but if you read each sentence from the right to left side, you can see what it really means to people. Yesterday I and my husband were driving by some giant new office building where you can see the lines of cubicles through the big windows. I said to him, "You know I had to be an art teacher, when I was young, I would have wilted being chained to one of those everyday". It was like my version of hell. Even when it comes to my husband, he never left writing behind. even now. I suppose that is a shared thing the both of us have.

I'm still working on different art projects, haven't given up on them. Need some real photography "training", wouldn't mind a class in that with a good teacher to explain things like shutter speed and the rest. My art education degree contained every art but photography in my classes and no one where I taught or subbed did the dark room thing.  Husband even has old camera I could use if I find an old school class, but think everyone has switched to digital.

My Lecture on the Transcendental Movement

                             [picture source]

My UU church is very interactive. They have us do readings or talks on the topic we are doing that Sunday. I have enjoyed my time there very much, even on an intellectual level it is quite wonderful. I was assigned doing a talk on the "Transcendental Movement". What's odd about this is I loved a lot about transcendentalism as a young UU, though Christians led me to temporarily reject it's precepts. I would feel some awe in nature and think "Oh no!" but there's aspects of it, I believe never left me. This was the short talk I wrote and gave. These are the notes. We are assigned 3-5 minutes for the timing and asked to make our examination of the topic "personal".

When I was young and in high school, I read Henry David Thoreau's book "Walden". This was probably my early introduction to transcendentalism. This book made quite an impression on me. His individualism while a negative to many people was not to me. I realized in some ways I resonated with his ideas and of wanting to go his own way. He was not the type to let the crowd dictate what he should do with his life. He taught following idealism and one's intuition. These were all things that appealed to me.

Here is a quote from that book.

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poorhouse. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man's abode; the snow melts before its door as early in the spring. I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there, and have as cheering thoughts, as in a palace.”

Transcendentalism. Most people don't even know what the word means. I actually learned what it was, when I went to **********in ***********[my state] around the age of 18 and learned about the transcendental movement influencing the Unitarian Universalist church. Many of its values resonated with me, not depending on established authority, relying on experience, and seeking out meaning in things including nature.

It described in some ways who I was. Later my spiritual journey would take me another direction but I would definitely return to these earlier foundations. I was an art ed major in college, but also had an extreme fascination with spirituality. Some may have called me a "seeker". Maybe some would have called me pretentious, but during this time in life, I studied religion too on the top floor of the ********* [my college] library during rare free moments and read the Bhagavad Gita as well as other religious writings.

Today we live in a society that is very math and science oriented and I believe both have their place but I am no good at math. I went into art. Art was a huge part of my spiritual seeking, and of my life. While I rejected those who claimed to have all the concrete answers in religion leaving my family's Catholic church, the same can apply to life. We live in a society that is growing more and more "technocratic" and "materialistic". People just want to deal with the numbers. They think in a linear fashion instead of a big picture. The forest is not seen for the trees. Life is cut down into pieces of data and being a human and meaning is lost. The transcendentalists, provided an alternative kind of life. In losing what they were trying to tell us there has been a corruption of the human condition. There are things to live that go beyond what numbers and lab graphs can tell us. The transcendentalists were showing us a way that has been too departed from today.

Transcendentalists believe in individualism. They believed in thinking for yourself despite the rules of a society. Thoreau wrote on "Civil Disobedience". In going beyond human traditions and authority from on high, the transcendentalists opened the door for individuals to stand up for what they believed in. Even today our protests against racism and various oppression in society are centered in ideas of civil disobedience. Most of human society had always emphasized conformity but Transcendentalists paved the way for individualism. While some think they over stressed the idea of self-reliance, the power of the individual guided America at least in our earlier history to be a place where the rights of the individual became important. I was the type of person who always asked "Why". I didn't want to conform just for the sake of conformity.

 

Art was a way, I practiced a lot of transcendentalism. My foray into evangelicalism for a time did not help my art. I felt like doing art was rebellion always when it came to those who taught simplistic answers to life.  Romanticism in art was a movement that would become very connected to the transcendental movement and is where emotion, imagination, and freedom from social conventions would become important. In many ways this movement would pave the way for modern art as we know it today.  Transcendentalists sought to seek out the soul in art.

Another way was nature. Transcendentalists believed in living close to nature. Thoreau definitely advanced this in his book Walden. That was another way that book spoke to me. I came out of a family that rejected me for all these ideas, they were people only interested in business and the here and now.

Spirituality and nature were intertwined for the transcendentalist. Emerson wrote about finding the sublime in nature. All my life, I had this attraction to nature and the outdoors. I worked at a camp and liked being outside as much as my health allowed. The nature center is a place of peace for me, and I like to collect rocks, especially geodes

Transcendentalists believed in seeking out life as it really was outside human social constructs, in nature and finding meaning there. During my time in evangelicalism, I noticed how nature was just an instrument for man to control and dominate, it lost beauty in that realm. I felt divided even in my early years in evangelicalism as I used to do some environmentally based volunteer work. I had a lot of cognitive dissonance in this area. Fundamentalist preachers would always go on about nature-worshipers and how "bad" they were. What did they mean? Why were they bad? Even while in I had thoughts like, "Aren't we part of nature?"

I was made to feel guilty for my propensity for it, now I am not of course. There was a narcissism to those who felt it was man's job to destroy the earth and that God would just give us a new one. I couldn't tolerate that anymore. When I filled some holes in my science education and read a book called "The Ends of the World" by Peter Brannen, and learned of the 6 epochs scientists had studied, I realized how limited the evangelical world view was on multiple levels. Mankind was simply one form of life that had arose, the earth itself had been filled with what many would have seen as "alien" life right here if they went back enough millions of years ago. 

 

Star Trek's theories of life in the universe seemed closer to reality then a 6,000 year old earth or one that had been created for only man's benefit and usage. To be frank, study of science can bring more awe, in many facets. Learning the sheer number of galaxies out there showed me how limited evangelical answers were for the world. The Hubble Space Telescope showed scientists there were at least 100 billion galaxies out there in space. They knew this number would advance with technology, we were only seeing a certain percentage of the galaxy. One astrophysicist named Christopher Conselice,  University of Nottingham, in 2017 estimated the number of galaxies to be around the 2 trillion mark.

Keep in mind transcendentalism arose, as natural sciences came to the forefront and discoveries were being made. There's a reason this philosophy arose as human knowledge increased past what scripture and written ancient revelation had described the world.  In  a way the transcendentalists were attempting to express the human poetry and art of science discoveries. One can ponder the fact and number of 2 trillion galaxies, but think about what that means in a transcendental sense, the sheer vastness. Emerson said, "But if man would be alone look at the stars."

My Art Show Has Gone Well

 My art show went well, I've sold several paintings so far, and there's still some time to go. Those paintings paid a few bills last month so it's good I sold them. So that's a positive. I feel far more motivated and have other art goals to pursue. I'm behind on a few projects but continuing to work on those. A local well-known artist in the region and art professor, wrote me an email, telling me he really liked my art work and the techniques I used. It feels good to accomplish a goal a year in the making.

I will be shutting down the show in July and mailing out the paintings I sold. So this was a good thing. This was my third art show, I had the two DIY ones, years ago. This was a sponsored one and not DIY so, I am glad it worked out. Others have complimented my art work as well. 

Comic Technological Pursuits

I've read FunHome before, honestly the story about the cold homosexual in the closet father, and her mother in a different graphic novel, I believe will resonate with ACONs no matter your views on the lifestyles presented. That said, I wish I had learned these computer techniques before doing my present comic. My main reason for posting this is to show how she did her comic on the technological end. The video is from 2009, so I'm sure some of that has changed since then.

 I think how much better it would be. I have a "Bamboo" board which was a present from a friend. While I have tried some graphic art...here's a quick drawing from an online free drawing service called "Pencil Madness". I seem more unsteady on computer art then regular. I haven't been able to achieve a real tight grasp of computer art. Maybe it is something that takes more practice, I'm not sure. 

I really need some who knows something about graphic art to tell me if it is possible to transpose a hand draw comic on bristol board and being able to tighten it up on a computer. Could I get it scanned, put it in a computer and then erase and change parts? What program would do this?

 I was even thinking if I could change the bubbles to typed and drawn more firm, it would tighten up the entire comic by quite a bit. The lettering gets weaker in some places. My comic is really old school, not crisp and polished, but I have wondered if there is any way I could transition it to a more polished media. I don't even know what computer program people use to do comics on. When I was in art school, they were breaking out the flat paint and letrasets, yes I am that old, the computer lab didn't come in until far later.

I did get the basic steps of the comic done. There's a 140 panels, but it needs so much more. I don't know what I am going to do with it. If I could learn computer art it would help my life. I am trying to work on my bamboo [a gift from a friend] more lately to transition to clean up on a computer and wondering if I can afford to get it scanned. At the very least, it will become a pin money zine or a gift to friends. I have to test how the story pans out and make adjustments. It's based on life here. If you have read this blog long enough you can imagine my comic, the main thrust of the story is my 400lb weight gain paired with the narcissistic family. Drawing some of the comic was a weird emotional journey.

The art is really good in places but I can see some panels where probably health made me waver on the quality and there is some reworkings to be done. I need to buy more bristol board and ink. It's almost coming out of my ears.

 Some friends will get to read it for free once I can afford to get it copied, to tell me how it comes across. Like test marketing. I don't want to pass out 2-3 zines where people are saying "What is this?" I even wonder if writing should be included with it.

Peep Fiction #3

I tried my hand at some fiction to describe my life earlier on. With the graphic zines, I figured this was a redundant enterprise and focused on expressing things in drawn form, but kept the writing and decided I would share it here. Names have been changed to protect the innocent and GUILTY.

Budgie went away to college and loved art. She also loved the quiet. Even the parties of her fellow college students were peaceful silence compared to narcissistic bellowing. She recovered years worth of lost sleep and never went home on weekends. Everyone warned her an art major meant she would starve but sadly she didn't listen.

 Everyone was against Budgie studying art but business bored her and she had flunked Chemistry in high school and avoided Alegbra II like the plague, so the science fields were beyond her. Years later Budge would learn that those who could unravel the logic of math had far more chance of making more money.

 Budge was naive and didn't know yet that studying art education would make her poor, but she loved the field and everything about it. Years later students and co-workers would remark on how enthusiastic she was about art. Maybe if Budge had stayed healthy she would have been okay, and gotten a job teaching junior high art or gone on for a master's in art therapy. She was turned down at two schools as one of the top candidates but failed medical exams they insisted on because all it took was looking at her, to know her lungs were toast. She was still midsized in the low to mid 200s at this time.


In college, Budge started going goth, and listened to nothing but The Sisters of Mercy and the Mission UK, Andrew Eldritch thrilled her, though skinny boys like that who chain-smoked cigarettes ignored fat girls like the plague. She also added bands like Bauhaus and the angrier Skinny Puppy and Ministry that appealed to darker emotions that laid within her.

The color black filled her closet and she wore ankhs and a pentagram ring. Peep went to a Midwestern state school that was on the conservative side of her state. Already the ex-cheerleaders and far thinner daughters of evangelical Christians started rumors in her dorm that she was a Satanist. She couldn't afford the fancier, more liberal state college and by then you had to have a 3.8 to get instead of just a 3.45 to get in there. With the other girls in her dorm, their mothers loved them and came up to their dorm rooms to help them decorate, sometimes they would show up and take them out to lunches, or bring one of their siblings for a visit. They told her to avoid that weird fat girl who wore too much black and who "needed Jesus".

College was great though, Budge spent hours in her painting and printing labs, the basement of the art education building was her favorite place to hang out beyond the 4th floor of the college library where Budge read every weird book she could get her hands on with her informal self-led "major" in comparative religions and esoteric subjects. Up there she could be alone. She kicked back in the magazine room at the college reading "American Atheist" and "Freedom from Religion" newsletters and "Life" magazines. Budge painted normal subjects, but also a few strange ones. One professor was outraged when she painted a burning flag surrounded by hypodermic needles and told her she was being "too art school". Budge had a fascination with the Victorian era, and it showed in her art.

Budge would meet her millionaire friend who she would know for 30 more years. Sally was dressed in late 1980s long flowing dresses and tunics with leggings and lots of jewelry including endless pieces of amber that her wealthy relatives had left her. She talked about her trips to Europe where her aunt broke her arm and the constant litany of castles.

Sally's mother was as old as Budge's grandmother and already going lightly senile. She wore cashmere sweaters as she potted violets and cooked tasteless microbiotic food, and nagged her submissive family to death. Sally hated her mother's constant encroachments, but did everything her mother told her to do. It was strange to Budge how an old 90lb woman who oddly dressed like a bag lady despite her gobs of money could keep her entire family in check. Her mother was angry that her daughter had gotten such a fat friend, and called Budge out of earshot, "that fat blob".

Sally back then was fun and introduced her to things like PBS News Hour, nature and art centers and Unitarian Universalism, things that the Spyders had kept her from knowing about. Sally was cultured, exciting and had a giant New Wave, Punk and Goth music library that included lots of mix tapes. However, her new friend was kind of bossy and seem to hold an air of superiority over her, but she at least could hold an interesting conversation. Budge didn't know what "slumming" was yet. After all she was far friendlier then Midge was. Budge didn't have any friends in high school, or freshman year, so when Sally showed up. Budge finally had a friend or so she thought.

Later Budge had to return home to student teach and looked for a good full time job while working 2-3 others. That year, her health started to break. The Spyders worsened towards Budgie while she was in college. College cost too much. Mrs. Spyder went on shopping sprees while mortgaging the house without telling Budge and told Mr. Spyder that Budge was costing the family lots of money and was a "burden". While John went to the same school and never heard a peep about how much he “cost”, Budgie did all the time. They hated the fact she majored in art education. Art was Budge's salvation and gave her a reason to wake up in the morning but the Spyders didn't care. Art was for "losers" and she would end up a starving artist that would bring shame upon the family. Sadly realities of the American economy would bring the Spyder's curse against Budge into reality.

Budgie had long wondered if she was adopted, she didn't look like any of her family members. She was far bigger, taller and fatter then all of them. Her father pudged up at times but could lose weight at the drop of a hat on any diet. She didn't look like anyone else either. Her cousins wore bikinis and ate whatever they wanted. As Budge got older, her personality and interests diverged even further from her family. None of them cared about art, or history or music, or much of anything. At this time, her father called her "arty-farty" and smacked her for being "too idealistic". Even Tears for Fears was considered the devil's music. One was not supposed to be altruistic or plan one's life to help others, except when serving as a personal Cinderella to two spoiled narcissists.

Mimi grew to be just like Midge. Like the movie Single White Female, Mimi, decided to dress and act like her mother, who esteemed her highly. Midge would cut Mimi's steak until she was 17 years old and help her select outfits to wear, to the day of high school graduation. Mimi never rebelled like most teens do, but did everything her mother said. She never developed her own identity. She promptly came home from school, ate her goldfish crackers, watched General Hospital and yelled at Budgie to do the dishes and then spent her evenings watching television with her parents.

With her low grades, Mimi went to community college earning an associates and majored in graphic arts, turning in Peep's leftover state school art for her class requirements, while doing early 1990s graphics on computers. Her would be future career was erased by technology and average people learning Adobe but it didn't matter, her husband made 6 figures. Mimi never had to clean out a fryer, nor scrub pots and pans in a giant sink, or work during high school. Mimi read only Garfield comic books and only what teachers demanded. A 10-15 hour brief internship at a print company would represent the only job she ever held down.

Mimi never dated in high school. She showed no interest in romance and said "Boys were gross and yucky." Suddenly at 18, she met a 28 year old executive while sitting on the right bar stool, only two months after high school graduation. He was Catholic and looking for a wife. They got engaged only a month later. Her new fiance, Philip had a good insurance job and his own two bedroom apartment with posters of blonde women wearing sunglasses, all invariably draped over Corvettes and lots of brass fixtures. He got Mimi a new car. Budgie at the age of 21, was condemned as an old maid. Mimi was celebrated as a perfect daughter while Budgie was dismissed as a failure even as she was graduating from college with a bachelors degree. It didn't help that Mimi was thin and Budge was fat.

The wedding planning started in earnest. Budge's emotional abuse with the new Bridezilla and her Bridezilla mother skyrocketed. Mr. Spyder filled with rage at having to pay for a 25,000 dollar country club wedding with 300 guests to boot. Budgie was deemed as just being in the way as Mimi became the center of attention. Mimi gloried in her attention. She had snagged the ultimate prize a well-off husband who came with connections, a great education and a father who had been mayor for many years of one of the largest cities in the state.

Midge arranged a bridal announcement in the local newspaper. Her bridal shower was held at one of her new millionaire in-laws' homes. Mimi didn't wear makeup, dressed as mannish as Midge in Lee jeans and Nike sneakers, and wore her hair in a tight perm, and still somehow had won the dating game with nary a sweat. Budge wondered years later if the marriage had been arranged, it had all the earmarks. How did she meet a husband that old at a teen club held at a local bar? The question puzzled Budge, since the drinking age was 21.

Midge loved Mimi's new husband, he was a young executive, and best of all a Catholic. Philip made clear to Mimi, what he expected in a new wife. He told her to get her weight down for the wedding and to avoid eating bread and Cheerios. He lectured her on voice tone, he required that she not yell like her parents. He was pleased as Mimi thinned down and used her "inside voice" and rewarded her with a new car. Plans were made for the wedding.

Mr. and Mrs. Spyder got angry and called Budgie a failure for not being married first before her younger sister and told her she was too fat to find a husband. Budge was not allowed to date during high school at all as Mrs. Spyder screeched about teenage pregnancy and young “whores and sluts”. As Budge's classmates dated in high school and married high school sweethearts they meet at teen parties or church youth groups, Budge wasn't even allowed to talk to boys. What did she know about boys? Budgie was too shy to date and had no confidence left. Peep lusted for bad boys but was afraid of them, too.

When Budgie moved home from college her abuse worsened. Her parents screamed and complained about her downstairs. Budge's days lasted from 6:00 am to 11:00pm. She had to student teach and then work a night job as a telemarketer selling carpet cleaning on the phone. She paid 120 a month for a 8 foot by 10 foot room she merely slept in and never otherwise saw. Later, when student teaching was over, she would substitute teach, work a daycare job and a restaurant job too. Budge was exhausted.

The Spyders told her over and over she was lazy and good for nothing. Mr. Spyder downstairs talked about beating her up and throwing all her things out on the lawn all the time to Midge, who agreed. They didn't know that Budge could hear every word through the heating vent. Budge was frightened. She didn't tell the Spyders that she had just gotten turned down for two good teaching jobs and told that her health was too poor. Both school districts required a medical exam which she failed despite being one of the top candidates. Her door to the middle class was being firmly shut for good. Her mean parents would have blamed her.

In college, Budgie found out she was severe asthmatic. All those years of gasping for air, and being ignored in high school had taken a toll. She was on her way to COPD early. She had bronchitis several times a year and constant panic attacks from being unable to breath. ER doctors gave her constant doses of Prednisone, which she would duly take, but every pill seemed to fatten her up. Her lungs hurt, she gasped for air all the time and would throw up on the way to work, with inhalers being used constantly. She was allergic to smoke, mold, dust, and life.

Everyone else went through life cheerfully without their body ready to collapse at the slightest exertion. Budgie didn't know what to do. She had been left totally unprepared for anything to go wrong in life. The Spyder's envying her youth, would dismiss all claims of ill health and told her as she gasped for her air, "You just can't cope!" One day Budgie got a severe asthma attack, and could not breathe. She was too scared to call an ambulance for herself. She laid on the stairs gasping for air, and her father walked by and yelled at her. He didn't care that she was dying. He sniffed his nose in the air, and walked by ignoring her. She knew she was on her own, and crawled up the stairs, to get her inhaler, which she used. She knew she was very sick, but with her inhaler, somehow got the strength to get in her car, and drive to get a breathing treatment, which wasn't exactly safe but better then dying or gasping for air for more hours.

Budgie was around 70lbs overweight and Mrs. Spyder never let up. One day she snootily said to Budgie, "I'll pay you 1,000 dollars to lose that weight so you will be thin like your sister! Maybe someone will marry you before you turn into an old maid! We don't want you living here for good." Budge was paying rent and working all the time. Nothing was ever good enough. One day her father tried to hit her in the basement, on one of Budge's rare days off but she grabbed his arm. By that time, being hit was rare, because she had grown to be midsized and nearly 6 feet tall and the Spyders knew she could take them on. He ranted and raved, “All that college, and you probably will never get a job, you are too ugly and fat!” “Everyone hates your personality too, it sucks!”

Budgie felt a dark feeling inside, as Mr. Spyder railed against her personality and got angry that she had not joined the convent "since she was a lesbian anyway". Peep was sexually attracted to men but her homophobic parents constantly focused on her being a lesbian. With the mannish clothes and hairdos being forced upon her, she wondered why she wasn't allowed to date or have anything to do with boys especially now, as the Spyders railed against her lack of paramours. No wonder she was not marrying like all her high schoolmates and sister. Budgie had graduated from college and worked hard. As Budge watched her career aspirations vanish, and her family grow more abusive, her health broke. No one gave her a break. The world hated her as much as her parents did too.

Other girls were loved by their fathers. Budge wasn't. She realized they both were evil. There was no proms, or Daddy-daughter dances in Peep's life but endless days of housework, fixing cars, and digging holes in the year for the Spyder's constant landscaping projects. Budge's mother had never bought her a dress to wear on a normal day, or showed her how to paint her nails, do make up, nor any of the feminine things which were for girls who were petite, thin, sweet, nice and loved by their families.

Budge became depressed. Her life was falling apart. Life was nothing but low paid work, and nothing to look forward to. Everyone criticized her. Midge's years of smear campaigns, and put-downs were coming to full fruition. No one respected her. They all saw her as a "loser" even with her newly minted college diploma. Budgie was a young Aspie, falling further and further behind who knew inside she was not loved and accepted like other people, and who always had be on her guard. The quote "Hell is other people." fit Budgie's existence.

The pressure for perfect housework even among several part-time jobs pieced together increased. Budge was hectored not to read, she was told by both parents that her artwork sucked and she had no talent. They didn't want her to be an art teacher in the first place, but offered no other advice or possible careers for Budgie. The neat-freakery and weirdness only grew as Mimi grew into a prig of a girl who criticized her as much as her mother did.

Budge began rebelling more overtly in college. She had become a Goth, and started talking back. Since her parents held so much of the purse strings, Budgie could only push things so far. All those endless jobs only paid so many bills. She was not prepared for an independent life. Her wealthy upper middle class high school had scared her out of Vocational training, claiming it would mean low wage work for life. Budge had no life skills and the Spyders had planned it that way. Older Budge would regret just not walking out at 18 and not investing so much soul into trying to get through college, so she could get a good career. It didn't matter how much she fought, Midge always won and her father followed.

The wedding planning proceeded. No expense was spared for Mimi, who grew more intolerable. One day, Budgie went along for some of the wedding dress shopping--usually she was left out, and Mimi decided on her virginal white wedding dress with a big white bow on the back. As Mimi pranced with her thinner body on the wedding shop walkway in front of the mirrors. Mr. Spyder said to Budge, “No one's ever going to marry you, as I said, you should rethink about the nunnery. Let them take care of you.” The Spyder's didn't care that Budge wasn't even the right religion anymore to be a nun, they just wanted her gone!

Mrs. Spyder one day told Budgie, “You are too fat, you can't be in your sister's wedding.” Budge at the time wore a size 22-24. “You'll ruin the pictures”, Midge said. Mimi accepted this, and agreed with Mrs. Spyder. Inside, Budgie's depression and hurt grew. Budge's outcast status in her non-family would be cemented for good. Mimi gloried in her golden child status. God in the future would bless Mimi, with a huge suburban house, 4 children, an even thinner body, a trip to London and never wanting for a dollar. He ignored all of Budgies pleas for financial stability and threw another match to light hell up bit hotter.

A few months before the grand production of her sister's elaborate wedding, one day Budgie came home from work, and found a box in the mail addressed to her. It was from a company known for wedding knickknacks. Budge felt suspicious opening it because she had not ordered anything. Opening the box, she found a paper addressed to her, and a credit card number in her name she did not recognize.Then Budgie remembered, she had sent away for a credit card in the mail a few months earlier! Her mother had taken the credit card when it arrived in the mail, and used it without Budge's knowledge.

At the time Budgie had forgotten about her application thinking she had been turned down.Mrs. Spyder had stolen Peep's identity! Her shopaholic ways had taken precedence over everything! Calling the credit card company, Budge found out over $1700 dollars had been charged in her name. No one asked for this financial help, no one talked to her saying, "We are short on funds could you help us out?" Budgie knew she had to leave then. There was no other choice. Budgie was too afraid of turning her mother into the cops for stealing her identity. She knew her parents would lie about her, and maybe even make counter accusations. Midge threatened her that if she talked she would do just that.

When she confronted her mother, Midge said, “You owe me because we paid for some of your college!” Her father was no help. He believed Midge's lies and refused to even accept it had happened. Budgie said crying, “Why did you lie to me or just not ask?”. Budge ran to take a day off from substitute teaching and rented a room in a woman's boarding house in a neighboring town.

Budgie had gotten a part time art teaching job at a juvenile home, which was part of the recreation program for incarcerated youth and required working during evenings and weekends. She chose to commute 45 minutes three times a week instead of living too close to her parents. The day Budgie moved out, her mother was at work. However her father was home, having retired early; and he went ballistic, screaming and yelling, as Budgie had not told her parents she was leaving. She didn't want to be sabotaged.

Mr. Sypder tried to rip Budge's few clothes out of her hands, claiming he had bought them when he hadn't, ranting and raving about a blue chair she took, which that week he had announced he was going to put in the trash. He screamed at her for “stealing” things, grabbing at her, and throwing paint cans, as she hustled the few possessions she owned into her car and on the trailer she had rented. As Budgie made her final dash for the car, he ran after her shouting, raging and throwing more paint cans.

The wedding was coming very soon after this time. Budge planned to cut them all off, and no one had disinvited her from the wedding. For some time, she wanted to give a message in the way she dressed. She had been abused and put down long enough. The Budgie of today does not advocate revenge, and will pause here, to say revenge is wrong. However she does not regret standing up for herself and the spirit of rebellion against injustice.

Her Bridezilla sister and narcissistic parents had pushed her to the breaking point. She was a little afraid, but she decided she was going to wear all black to her sister's wedding as a Goth bride. She planned out the outfit and got herself a teeny black veil and black shoes with buckles on them, and a pentagram silver necklace. The dress was custom made made out of black lace. She had black gloves. She got a friend to wear black and to go with her. When Budgie showed up, her family stared, and their eyes bugged out. Mimi was surprised. No one said a word. After the initial shock, Budge's family just ignored her. Her plan had backfired.

Years later, Budgie realized only walking away and going no contact worked. The narcissists froze her out and circled the wagons. Even 27 years later, her grunting cousin would invite her to his wedding reception but not the church part of the service. Years later Budgie's father would bitch about her showing up in black at her sister's wedding but he never questioned or stood against the ill treatment that led her to come as a Goth bride in the first place.

Budgie cut off the family as planned for three and half years. They would not know where she even lived. She went “no contact” before knowing what it was. Sadly the therapists Budgie voluntarily sought out for her abuse, severe anxiety disorders and panic disorder, while admitting that she'd been seriously emotionally abused, told her to reconcile with her parents and family, to “work things out, “to forgive and forget”, and “don't be bitter”. They had all read pleasant John Bradshaw books, with hopeful tales of families healing and coming together as new best friends.

“Mothers always loved their children.”, many of these therapists said, not realizing this didn't apply to everyone. Budge heard plenty of excuses for her parents, that they were “under stress”, that they needed to be “honored”, and to realize that “everyone makes mistakes”, and “not to hold grudges”. No one ever defended her. Even there, they told her something was WRONG with her not to be loved.

Other relatives joined the fray, telling her "that's just the way they are", "you have to accept them for who they are", or "You don't want to live your life angry do you?" Others told her it was simply wrong to cut off one's parents no matter how badly they had treated you. In 1990, few knew about narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathy and if they did, it wasn't for a mere layman to address.

Budgie's therapists did not tell her about going no contact or how severe emotional and physical abuse can affect a person for life or about protecting herself or about drawing boundaries. She'd have to learn these lessons later in life. For years Budgie would blame herself. She was a “bad daughter”, “cost too much”, “shouldn't have gone to college”, “didn't get along with people”, “didn't make enough money”, “messed up the relationships.”

Budgie worried that she was everything they'd told her that she was, unworthy, fat, lazy, and worse. For many years she dreamed of the day she would be thin or average sized and have great job making lots of money where her parents and family would finally love her. That was a wasted dream. It is for all adult children of narcissists. But Budgie had enough fire in her at a young age to cut the chains, once upon the time. This time she plans to stay free.

Peep Fiction #2

Peep Fiction #1