Diabetes Frightens Me

The other day, my general practitioner told me I have to go to a diabetes specialist. I'm scheduled to go in a couple weeks. Some scary things about me and diabetes. She wasn't too happy to take a sugar about 45 minutes after I ate--non fasting, that blew the 260 mark.

When I eat less carbs, the sugars go up, when I eat too little, the sugars go up, when I exercise, the sugars go up. It makes a person think what am I supposed to do? I have only "gone out of control" twice,and they say they want to make me wait for insulin. The A1c for me usually averaged around 6.8. Now its 7.3. I'm already on a ton of meds. Life gets awful when your doctor says "You have to go to the endocrinologist and diabetes doctor, so they can figure out new meds or adjust them!"

Taking blood sugars, you think of your eye balls being eaten, and kidneys failing, 145, 167, 176...this week's list of numbers that condemn, and inside my brain is that little voice...[left over from years of abuse being fat]..."This is happening because you failed to lose enought weight, you fat so and so"! "How dare you eat anything!" But then from years of trial and error, not eating jacks up the sugars too, because the liver dumps insulin, and that gives high readings as well.

Even in the doctors eyes, you imagine them thinking "That fat person needs to stop eating those cartons of ice cream and 5 hamburgers at a sitting"[well I'm not] but you can tell they are thinking it. One doctor told me to give up the chocolate and cheese years ago. They see it as a failure on your part. Diabetes the disease that condemns the fat. Sometimes I think I'd be happier saying to heck with it all, but then that is when the infections start.

I am hoping to get it back under control but it so so tiring. I've been a controlled diabetic on meds except for 2 [now on the second time] periods ever since 2001,when they told me I became diabetic. Last month, I was sick as a dog due to digestion and hated food, probably ate far less then usual, and tested for having high sugars. That is one irony with me, I've figured out.

I have friends who have had diabetes and have said forget it, given up caring, and walked around with fasting blood sugars in the 200s for a time. Doctors world over talk about those who neglect diabetes, fat me was even once told I was one of his most vigilant patients. I can understand WHY they do it. There you are having a happy day, you take a blood sugar, it's high and your day is no longer happy and carefree. I still can feel my feet, and my sores still heal, but the whole thing just stinks.

Doctors really do not realize that what fuels my ever-vigilance, is fear of going blind, I am already deaf, I do not want to enter Helen Keller land. Diabetes sucks, it's like living with little time bombs in your blood. Ironically fear and stress raises diabetes. Even Mayo Clinic admits we are stressing out. Well I pray to God to help me with the worry but it's not good, you can be sitting watching TV, and there comes on diabetes commercial one after another to remind you of this dastardly disease.

Being housebound in winter isn't helping the exercise equation though I try to walk a little each day, and do arm exercises.

I found out, I am not a celiac, my skin condition remains undiagnosed and continued even with wheat-free diet for months. It helped me lose a little weight, but past that not much. I am wondering if it's something else. I have realized that if I eat too few carbs, my sugars go up. [stay away from processed ones]

When it comes to this body, its always been like an out of control monster, that does what it wants anyway. Just staying alive shouldn't take so much work. I know my history of insulin resistance and severe PCOS plays into this picture. It just gets so tiring.

One friend who spent years around severely obese told me if I manage to live long enough, she has seen severely fat people with diabetes lose weight and become thin, from illness. Not exactly the way you want to do it.

I bought a herb that is supposed to lower blood sugar [a little bit worried about how it may interact with diabetes drugs so still checking it out], and have done the cider vinegar and cinnamon thing.